Big In 2004

Favorite CD: Did I even buy a CD this year? Oh, wait, the Franz Ferdinand disc.

Wedding present I would give Britney & Kevin: Some damn Tide

Trend I'm most sick of: Reality TV, surprise surprise. Honorable mention to it becoming more about the Yankees' choke than the Red Sox comeback

My favorite new toy: My new optical mouse, of all things

In 2004 I was totally obsessed with: Not being obsessed

Sex symbol of 2004: First half - EVIL TRISH~~~! Second half - Double L. I'm such a follower.

Underrated hottie: Natalie Coughlin

Best sex I've had this year: "A gentleman never tells." That's what my answer would be if I actually HAD one.

Biggest bitch move: Ricky Williams walking out on the Dolphins/Kobe telling cops that Shaq paid off his one-night stands (which led to Shaq saying, "I'm not the one buying love.")

Trend that's becoming disturbing: The return of the beer commercial wars

Worst personal moment of 2004: The lost checkbook incident

Favorite phrase of 2004 other than "I'm Rick James, bitch.": "I'm [insert name here], and I approved this message."

Number of times I said "I'm Matt Spaulding, bitch!": None. And thank God for that. Say it out loud and see how stupid that sounds.

Number of times I thought "Is Matt Spaulding gonna have to choke a bitch?": At least two

Number of times I watched the Paris Hilton sex tape: Negro, please.

Best song I downloaded this year: Jay-Z, "99 Problems"

I've seen just about enough of: Jude Law

I've seen entirely too much of: Tara Reid

Biggest disaster I NEVER *cough* would have predicted: "And starting at quarterback for the Washington Redskins, Mark Brunell."

People I'm glad I wasn't: 1. Scott Peterson; 2. The guy who threw the cup at Ron Artest; 3. Jim McGreevey; 4. Brock Lesnar at WrestleMania XX; 5. Tim Couch

Guiltiest pleasure: "Culo"

Where I'll be on New Year's Eve: Home, barring a miraculous healing

Ambitions for 2005: Start saving money, for real this time. Maybe consider moving into a bigger place. Actually try to get a girlfriend if I feel like it. Just generally try to improve.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Getting What You Give

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at the Triple H Dome. Sorry. I'd also like to apologize for the tackling in this game that ranks among the worst in the history of football. This is actually rather ingenious, asking for a measurement, and it's close enough that maybe you have time to take one more quick shot. Tice needs to stop complaining about that and start getting his guys to wrap up (and I mean that in every possible connotation.) And Evil Favre rears his head again. Now can the Vikings keep them at bay this time? What do you think? This game looks awfully familiar, doesn't it?

I saw none of this but:

"Nowadays everybody wanna kick like they got nothing to lose / But nothin' goes right when they squib the kick / It's enough to make you sick / and muthafuckas act like they forgot about Dante."

So that's where Doug Johnson (who's WHITE) ended up. I honestly didn't know.

The Jags laid an egg in that one, huh?

Plaxico's back, so Ben should start kicking ass again. And Heap's out, so Boller won't. And as if on cue, TOUCHDOWN. Wait, what's wrong with him? Isn't this how we got to this point in the first place? This game took literally two and a half hours.

Which meant I (and probably millions of other East Coasters) FINALLY got to see the Chargers. Not the best first impression they could have left. The kickoff return turned the game around; no need to deny it. CLANG! Way to go, Vanderjagt. Now this is dangerous because the Colts are gonna get the ball back. Peyton waving the punt team off the field~~~~~~~~~~~ 49!!! How'd Stokley get so open? The Chargers used his man to double Wayne on the outside, and the safety that was supposed to pick him up fell or something. Think the Colts try the kick if there's no flag after the interception?

I haven't seen a good angle of the Bears-Lions ending yet... did they rule the guy stepped out of bounds? I'm still not sure what happened here.

I don't know what all the disappointment and anger is all about. The Jets aren't better than the Patriots. Is is that hard to accept?

7-0 Cardinals? Are you kidding me? Oh, all right, that's more like it. Hey, a Trent Dilfer sighting! How bad is the NFC when it's Week 16 and the Cardinals have only now been eliminated?

Johnny: "THIS game may set the sport back 30 years." I hope everyone watching this display was properly medicated. Good Lord, this was awful. "We've got a case of the giggles right now."

Yeah, it's hard to care about this one. Has Bulger ever faced the Eagles before? I'm thinking not. I just want Bruce to catch a touchdown so I can get some cushion.

FANTASY REPORT
Not a good weekend for Johnny. I beat him in the third-place game in the tSC league after Reid rested all the important Eagles, and Ska opened up a can on him in the XFLaPA championship. Rob ended up winning the Circle league. Way to RIG it. ;)

RANKINGS
TOP 3
1. Pittsburgh - Maddox gets controls back for a week
2. New England - Just hanging out at this point
3. (tie) Indianapolis - Jim Sorgi, COME ON DOWN!
(tie)Philadelphia - B-teamers fail to impress

BOTTOM 3
30. Miami - ew.
31. San Francisco - Ew.
32. Cleveland - EW!

Christmas '04: Point By Point

- I swear, everybody in every store, mall, or line was on a cell phone. I can't imagine what they'd be talking about. "OK, here's what I got you..."

- Going into Lowe's may have been the most intimidated I've ever been by a shopping trip since the first time I went to Franklin Mills.

- Even CVS was packed on Christmas Eve. I'm not sure if I should be surprised by that, but I was.

- Lots of people heading south. Possibly to turn east and head for the casinos, Mom thinks.

- How about those poor bastards who got screwed by U.S. Airways?

- It snowed in Mexico. I'm going to repeat that, because it bears repeating. It SNOWED in MEXICO.

- My parents are getting lazy - the house wasn't decorated nearly as much as it's been in years past. They didn't even display the Christmas cards they got.

- Dinner: Prime Rib (why is it capitalized?), twice-baked potatoes, green beans, and deviled eggs. No cole slaw, which was a shock since every time I've been home since I moved, we've had cole slaw. Dad even went to the supermarket yesterday afternoon, but they were out.

- Comedy is listening to Al Michaels try to psychoanalyze the Kobe-Shaq situation just before tipoff.

- What you care about (read: the loot):
- new bathrobe
- slippers
- alarm clock
- The Great Philadelphia Fan Book
- The Great Philadelphia Sports Debate
- Dave Barry 2005 day-by-day calendar
- Christmas ornament
- Eight-piece cookware set (a sure sign that I'm getting old)
- Seinfeld DVDs
- Sports Immortals: Stories of Inspiration and Achievement

And I've talked about this before, I'm sure, but as you get older, you find (or at least we have) that you don't want as much.

- What a thing to wake up to.

- Apparently the snow will be two days late.

Since Butch Had No Idea What I Was Talking About...

The item in question

And with that, I'm out like the Niners and the playoffs.

Happy holidays, jabronis. See you Sunday.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: Taking Hits

The Giants are gonna need a miracle to - Whoa! THAT'LL help. Am I the only one who realizes that a big part of the reason Ben's struggled recently is that his favorite target (Plaxico) has been out? Does no one else watch these games? Eli actually looks competent this week. Ike Hilliard's still alive? I'll be damned. Are... are the Giants ahead? What have you got, Ben? Oh, that's what. OK.

This game may have set the sport back 15 years.

Grass just doesn't look right indoors. I'm just saying. It's not helped Vick that Price is looking more and more like the new Alvin Harper every week. You know Delhomme's had a broken thumb for two months? Peppers is lining up at receiver? Nice block, at any rate. Notice how Muhammad's getting the ball more than Colbert has been as the season winds down. This is basically how the Panthers' season has gone if you think about it. And it just might end the same way as Vick runs past EVERYBODY and scores. He never hit the ground. Rock on.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close I: Vikings-Lions, THE REMATCH. Second time this game's gotten this honor. I just hope Mariucci waits until the 26th to cut that kid. Still, you know the Vikings would've lost it in OT. You KNOW this.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close II: Cowboys-Eagles. The extra point getting blocked should have been bad sign #1. Somebody help that man off the field! Keep the weight off his leg! That's bad sign #2. What's happened to Pinkston? Has he been having nightmares or something? Then Donovan remembered he watched Vick last night and thought, "Hey, let's try that." Testaverde throwing a horrible interception at a crucial moment? Gee, that's never happened before. How in God's name has he stuck around for 18 years? It offends me as a football fan.

SING THE SONG. Next week they get their mettle tested.

OMG A JON KITNA SIGHTING. Who thought we'd see it this late? The Bills are basically the NFC's Panthers by now - beat up, dead and buried, they've dialed things down and made a late run of their own. Spikes, during his interception return: "You know, when I worked here, this shit happened to us ALL the time."

Should Hasselbeck really be playing with a shaky elbow? Pennington's clearly OK, and this is the difference between playing with confidence and, well, not.

*crosses off Buccaneers* And it's too little, too late for the Saints also.

That shit happens in Camden all the time - Darius may not know any better. I didn't even realize Ferguson's helmet had been knocked off until they showed the replay the second time. You know what was sort of great about that? The fans were all morose and mellow when they stretchered him out, and then that cheer exploded after the commercial when they announced Darius had been thrown out. The funny thing about Favre is that the ill-advised interceptions actually enhance his gutsy gambler persona a little bit. You know? It's like you expect it, and you learn to live with it when he's wrong, but he can still be right often enough to hurt you. The second Grant pick was just a great play on his part - we all thought Driver had it. Great win for the Jags, who still might end up making it.

I'll ask again: Does ANYBODY want to win the NFC West? *the Cardinals meekly raise their hands in the background*

I don't see Peyton getting it tonight. Just a hunch. Edge is second in the league in rushing? Really? You'd seriously never know it. Still, I'm surprised they don't have a touchdown yet. I can see why you take the field goal off the board if you're the Ravens - you're not beating this team with field goals. Interception! This one's over. I also like the kneeldown - you DON'T want to anger these people.

Anybody see Ricky on 60 Minutes?

Well, this is gonna suck. MY EYES! MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!! Special teams~~~ Impossibly, the Dolphins are now ahead and nobody's the least bit concerned. And rightly so. See? Well, at least they didn't completely embarrass themselves. Hey, a meaningless late touchdown. I'm sorry, WHAT? Was that Tom Brady or Peter Brady? He doesn't do that! That's awful. A.J. THREADS THE NEEDLE for the touchdown! Oh my God. Jason Taylor: "I hope they lost a lot of money with their 10-point spread." In my own twisted mind I imagine Heather jokingly offering anal to A.J. if the Dolphins won this game and her saying "Oh, shit" after Brady's fourth pick at the end. This should never have happened. Voting for "Upset Of The Decade" is now closed.

FANTASY REPORT:
tSC: It'll be me and Johnny... in the third-place game. What happened to me against Rob was what I feared might happen (and Rob can confirm this, as we talked about it) - the Ravens' defense cancelling out Harrison & Wayne to the point where none of them ended up helping me. It's Rob vs. Dupin for the title.

RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Pittsburgh - Big scoring burst puts Steelers in control
2. New England - Throw this one out?
3. Philadelphia - Won't drop them... yet

BOTTOM 3:
30. Miami - It didn't help you THAT much
31. San Francisco - Erickson should've taken the Ole Miss job
32. Cleveland - Brown is also the color of the paper bags

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Thinning The Herd Through Wanton Violence

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at the Ravens' home stadium again. I was hoping we wouldn't have any repeats, but alas. Still no Jamal? What we're seeing here with Boller is him finally getting confortable and the coaches allowing him to take risks. Having Heap back is huge - it turns this team into a new Chargers-style offense where the TE is the focal point, though I still think I'd rather have the Bolts' receivers. This game just Would. Not. End. Is... is that Kurt Warner's music?

I... I don't know why you call that play. Especially at that point in the game. I want Moss on the receiving end of any chicanery that might ensue. That's a game you not only can't lose, but you especially can't lose like that. Now I move that the Bills represent the NFC North in the playoffs. Anyone?

*crossess off Cowboys* I'm sorry, but if you play like that at home against the dumbest team in football, you don't need to be in the playoffs.

"PLAYOFFS?! Don't talk about... oh, wait, my kid? OK then."

*crosses off Bengals* Although this is sort of what they had in mind when they made the switch to Palmer. It just didn't come off quite as well. Next year. Dillon can lie all he wants, but he wanted 350 yards and eight touchdowns. Are you kidding me? Another pick for Troy Brown. Have you considered a career change?

Looks like McGahee was right after all.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Scott Linehan; 2. Chris Chandler; 3. Jake Plummer; 4. Mike Sellers; 5. Vinny Testaverde; 6. A McCown brother.

I don't care who you are or who's hurt or whatever; after the fourth interception, you're gone. Let's not forget that the Panthers are doing this without their four best players, too.

SING THE SONG.

Not only is shaving his head a loving gesture on Favre's part, but he kinda pulled off the look, I thought. I stuck the "next year" tag on the Lions, too, and I'll stand by that.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Dolphins-Broncos.

Old-time running. Gotta love it. This is a proving ground of sorts for the Jets, much like their visit to New England. And just like that game, they're hanging around, and this is a team that can pick you off if you let them hang around. This may have been Ben's worst game, but Chad wasn't much better. Okay, three things here on the Bettis pass and why it's better than the Moss pass: 1. Your best receiver isn't throwing it; 2. It's not a dire situation late in the game; and 3. It worked.

Anyone know who was announcing the 49ers-Cardinals game? Were they temps? Did Fox hire them for the day or something? This was the Yahoo! Pro Pick 'Em Upset of the Week and a game I wouldn't bet if my family was in front of a firing squad.

You know, the Redskins may be the second-dumbest team in the league, but their screw-ups only lead to penalties and not points for the other team. Give them this, though... they actually play well at times. These guys are beating the hell out of each other - I'm waiting for Freak to snap in half. OUCH. And you hate to see this, especially on a clean hit. Somebody cover Cooley, please! Thanks.

This has the marks of being another one of Those Games all over it, doesn't it? And so it was as neither team can stop the other. That personal foul call at the end was shaky at best.

FANTASY REPORT
tSC Playoffs: So with Bulger out, I swapped out Isaac Bruce for Anquan Boldin since the Panthers were on a roll and I actually didn't trust Chandler to not get hurt during the game. It didn't make a huge difference, as I beat Tyler anyway (though Boldin did have more points). Rob beat Butch and is next. Give Dupin Kristen Bell in a Drew Bennett jersey and he's a happy man.

RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Pittsburgh - Bettis doing it all
2. New England - Don't bother checking the classifieds
3. Philadelphia - No style points this week

BOTTOM 3:
30. San Francisco - Should play the Cardinals every week
31. Cleveland - May be ASKED to leave this time around
32. Arizona - No end in sight

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Less Wheat, More Chaff

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at a big-ass pirate ship. Seriously, have you seen this thing? It's HUGE. What's odd about the Bucs is that they're not on top, nor are they a laughingstock - they're just an afterthought. Yet they're the one team that's managed to have pretty consistent success controlling Vick. They've still got some players, and it's not like Gruden forgot how to coach. Mora: "We sure know how to lose, don't we?"

*crosses off Cardinals* Even the bad Kerry Collins would've been better than this collection of stiffs.

Huh. Bledsoe's still starting. I'll be damned. Isn't the December Bills-Dolphins game always in Buffalo? What happened? LINEMEN RUNNING WITH THE FOOTBALL. I read there were even problems with the anthem. Have the Dolphins always had this many problems and we're just now seeing them?

Bulger better be OK because Chandler won't last more than two weeks before his leg falls off or something.

Hey, look! It's Chad Hutchinson! Urlacher came back, too, which was kind of forgotten. But the Bears have been pretty forgettable anyway. Wow, this has been the best Bears quarterbacking performance in YEARS. And now it's all coming apart for Culpepper. Are they trying to blow this again?

*crosses off Saints*

It's an onside kick FESTIVAL. You know, Volek's not all that bad. This may be the greatest first quarter ever. They did it AGAIN!! Unfortunately, it was all downhill from there. Well, unless you're a Colts fan. There aren't words left to describe what Peyton's doing.

I... I don't know. It's like a sustained bombing run. I think you throw this game out if you're the Packers. Favre: "They're better than us, I know that."

Broncos. Chargers. CHARGERS?!? It's huge. Is LDT fully healed yet? The Chargers' defense is playin gout of its mind here - getting tips, knocking balls down. I think only one of the interceptions was actually Plummer's fault. Man, that play at the end... you're not supposed to have brain freeze in San Diego. Sing it. Sing it! SING THE SONG, BITCHES!

*crosses off Giants* I guess Coughlin realized they were playing over their heads in the first half, but why would you make the switch to Eli when he'd face the Eagles, Redskins, Ravens and Steelers defenses all in a row? You know who's been awful quiet this year is Jeremy Shockey. The Redskins should be putting up this many points every week, and Portis should be getting this many touches every week.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Any Seahawks defender; 2. Darius Watts; 3. Josh Scobee; 4. Jim Haslett; 5. Jake Plummer.

What's up with all the Jags' receivers having numbers in the teens? I don't think any announcing crew breaks down replay challenges better than these guys. What hasn't been said too much about Ben's struggles is how Plaxico was his favorite target and he's been out for three weeks or so. Uh-oh, it's late in the game and it's close. Here's your first big two-minute drill, Ben. Make it good. Aaaaaand he DOES! But that's still too much time left for the Jaguars. Wow. If that kick's on-line, I think he makes it.

OMG A JERRY RICE SIGHTING. This could get out of hand in a hurry. And it is - just for the other side. That's, what, 26 in a row? Oh, look, Vinny throws a pick at a crucial moment. That's never happened before. This other corner for the Cowboys is getting abused tonight - who knew they'd miss Pete Hunter so much? I'll say this: at least the Cowbys picked a running back when the time came. This is turning into the Baltimore game from last year. Keyshawn was... out of bounds? That's close. Then they get the onside kick. Whaaaaaaaat? You CANNOT let a team run the ball on you like that in the last two minutes. Holmgren: "Let's just say it. We should win those." This should never have happened. I move that the Broncos replace the NFC West winner in the playoffs. Who's with me?

FANTASY REPORT
XFLaPa: It's over. My sorry collection of running backs let me down all year, and the Seahawks' defense doomed me in the end, as I lost 107.58-77.71. Small consolation is my overall point total of 1032.31 was only exceeded by the top three teams. Finish at 6-7.

tSC: Johnny beat me in a meaningless rematch, as we were locked into 1 and 2. Tyler awaits in the first round. Why do 8 of 10 teams get into the playoffs? What is this, the NBA?

RANKINGS

TOP 3
1. New England - Hey, we can pile up points, too
2. Pittsburgh - A narrow escape
3. Philadelphia - Class of the NFC

BOTTOM 3
30. Cleveland - Needs to re-think things
31. Miami - Beached
32. San Francisco - What's left to say?

Odds and... Well, More Odds

- Everybody's doing pretty much the right thing so far with respect to the Pistons-Pacers brawl. Refreshing.

- I feel so DIRTY for liking Linkin Park's "Breaking The Habit". DIRTY, I say.

- It's over. In case you've been under the rock and all. Now I want her to stick around for a few days. It looks better.

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 12: Unabated To The Stomach

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at the Spaulding family Thanksgiving spread. Cornish hens, collards, stuffing, red potatoes, cole slaw and rolls. Oh, and Peyton Manning throwing 36 touchdown passes. That's like a record or something.

TOUCHDOWN BENGALS

Me: "Is this farce still going on?" OK, you know who should wear solid orange? Clemson and Syracuse. That's IT. Wait, isn't Vinny hurt or something? What's going on here?

TOUCHDOWN BROWNS

So now Eli gets to face this Eagles defense from the start. And there's a leisurely jog into the end zone by Donovan. Hey, Eli! You forgot the ball! And you probably shouldn't have thrown that pass where you did. Does it start now? Yes, it does. Yeah, there's some hatred here. Why, yes, this IS exactly how last week's game went.

TOUCHDOWN BENGALS

Byron! Randy! Good to see you both, sort of. Is it just me or is the Metrodome the darkest of all the domes? Wow, these passing stats look... familiar. Not many coaches can take a chest bump and live. FUMBLE! And here come the Jaguars, about to do it agai-FUMBLE! LINEMEN RUNNING WITH THE FOOTBALL. It never gets old, folks. Never.

TOUCHDOWN BROWNS

Here come... the Panthers?

TOUCHDOWN BENGALS

I think Ben's hit the rookie wall here. Fortunately, it's the Redskins, so 10 points ought to be plenty. What's happening there still doesn't make any sense. Is Duce ever coming back?

TOUCHDOWN BROWNS

It's The Year Of The Tight End, and these two are leading the charge. What makes a man decide: "You know, I think I'll try pro football instead." Hey, Dante! You forgot the ball! How does that happen? That's gotta be demoralizing. Ah, the Chiefs' defense. Gotta love it. Talk about your role reversals: nothing's gone right for the Chiefs, while everything's gone right for the Chargers.

TOUCHDOWN BENGALS

Dolphins-49ers: Fucking NEXT.

TOUCHDOWN BROWNS

James: "Saints are gonna win... less than two minutes left." Me: "They can still blow it."

TOUCHDOWN BENGALS

Now this is an ugly scene. Games like this in conditions like this are why you go out and get a Corey Dillon. Boller's getting smacked around like a pinata here. Hey, where's Deion been? *snickers* I still don't think they're losing again.

TOUCHDOWN BROWNS

It's the Willis McGahee Show! Man, the Seahawks just don't seem like they have any confidence right now. Here come the... Bills? I'd like to say right now that I can't see Travis Henry being traded to the Dolphins.

TOUCHDOWN BENGALS

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Champ Bailey; 2. Tyrone Wheatley; 3. Drew Henson; 4. Kelly Holcomb (400+ passing yards three times and LOST THEM ALL); 5. An AFC team with six wins or less.

TOUCHDOWN BROWNS

SNOW~~~~~~~~ This went about like you'd expect for the first 28 minutes, then everything went haywire. Wow, Porter's kicking Champ's ass tonight. Nice, Seabass. *rolls eyes* MORE linemen running with the football. What's going on here? Are the Raiders actually coming back? Maybe not. Or maybe SO. BLOCKED! Wow. I don't know if it was because of the rivalry or the national exposure but last year's Raiders would've quit. This may be Upset of the Year.

TOUCHDOWN BENGALS

Did anyone else get the sense that Madden wanted to say "...and Mike Martz is just a bad coach" but he knew he couldn't? Bonnie Bernstein on the radio, what a waste. Man, the Rams just can't do anything outdoors this year. Does anybody want to win the NFC West? Seriously? Could you at least fake it?

FANTASY REPORT:
XFLaPa: Disaster. Got spotted a 31-point lead against Nate (29-minus-2) and LOST because I got absolutely nothing from my awful RBs and he has LDT and Westbrook. So now I'm 6-6 and in eighth place (the last playoff spot), tied with Ska, and PLAYING Ska next week.

tSC: Had an even bigger lead on Spear and lew it thanks to McGahee, but Favre's huge MNF game brought me back. I'm 11-1 (W11) and a lock for the top seed in the playoffs. It'll be Johnny next week, then either Tyler or Aaron in the first round.

RANKINGS
TOP 3
1. Pittsburgh - Still rolling along
2. New England - What weather conditions?
3. Philadelphia - Going after bigger game

BOTTOM 3
30. Washington - No gas in this tank
31. Miami - In need of a time machine
32. San Francisco - Lynda: "It's like a Major League thing or something."

Doin' Black Friday Dirty

GANGSTA.

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 11: You Step On The Field, It's Your Ass

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at the old Memorial Stadium site, which I assume is now parking or something. Yeah, this is about what you'd expect from these two. Just what this game needs: an injured Jamal Lewis. Holy crap - those... are those passes? Down the field? And being caught? Who are you, and what have you done with Kyle Boller? Hey, a Drew Henson sighting! The experts seem to think he'll take over after the Thanksgiving game.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Lions-Vikings.

Well, we knew this day would come. Ben's getting beaten up and battered. But what's good about this is that his teammates have confidence and have his back. That's huge, especially that they're behind. This is a game the Steelers needed to have just to see if they could win it, because they haven't had too many of them. And they're just better than the Bengals. (Of course, they're better than a lot of other teams.)

The surprise here was that the Colts only got 41.

If the Redskins had any offense, they'd be dangerous. And they really should have offense with the skill players they have. Puzzling. They haven't scored more than 18 points in a game all year. I think I'm going to start calling them TOuchdowns. Terrell's New Workout Plan? OK. That first-and goal farce... there's no other way to describe it. And they missed the field goal on top of it! It's all about home field now, I think.

"Over/under on Eli: Week 9" Oops. Oh, well. I dare anyone reading to yell out "Alge Crumpler!" just randomly somewhere and watch what happens. Nice pass, kid. They may make a game of this yet. Lost in all of the Eli talk was Tiki, who had another good outing. You know, all Vick is doing is winning games.

Well that's a way to lose you don't see very often. No, really. Out of curiosity, who's the Dolphins' third quarterback? Is it still Sage Rosenfels? (I don't care enough to look it up myself.)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Ron Artest; 2. associated with the Saints; 3. Butch Davis; 4. Koren Robinson; 5. Robert Gallery.

Hey, look! It's the Texans! The Packers started losing running backs like the Patriots were losing corners. But this is what happens when you put Favre against a team that, while improving, still isn't quite good enough to shut him all the way down. And I don't think I need to explain the difference between Favre throwing 50 passes and Vinny throwng 50 passes. That Longwell kick? Just BARELY made it.

It IS 9 o'clock. This could be interesting what with the Pats down to Ronnie Lippett and Mike Haynes in the secondary. (Why'd they ever trade Mike Haynes, anyway?) "Tony Gonzalez as unintentional decoy" is working wonders, though the Chiefs dearly miss Priest, who's good for two scores by himself at this point. This team may not lose again.

FANTASY REPORT
XFLaPa: That Boulware pick was huge, as it was the dealmaker in a much-needed 75.98-40.33 win over the not-even-inspired-enough-to-MAIL-it-in-at-this-point Grumpy Snails. We're in fifth place at 6-5 with the total points advantage. Up next: Loney and the Goat Boys of Iowa, the defending champs.

tSC: This was a little different. Oh, I won again (10-1, W10), but I had a comfortable lead for once and just had to wait and hope Patten and Blaylock didn't go nuts for Rob.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. Pittsburgh - Ben's steel supports come through
2. New England - Held down Chiefs despite decimated secondary
3. Philadelphia - That's quite a cloud of dust

BOTTOM 3:
30. Oakland - A bumbling mess
31. Miami - Absolutely painful
32. San Francisco - Dog Food Bowl this Sunday

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10: Too Much Time For Change

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at the Georgia Dome, which looks really weird with the new grass-like turf. Kind of a disconnect. Let's start with some points, shall we? Oh, you'd like some more? Okay! How about another touchdown? The Draft thing? They never blew any whistle. Then on the next play Pittman got clobbered by six guys. Yeah, we'll be taking that touchdown back now. Junior Mora's background was in defense, which, you'll remember, was a dirty word in Atlanta last year.

Proof that, unlike wrestling where it's all legal until the bell rings, you can actually get thrown out of a football game before it starts.

No Leftwich = who knows. The Lions haven't been fully healthy all year - no Rogers, Roy and Jones have been in and out, etc. We know the Jags play D, but their punt coverage apparently needs some work. Did I actually read that Harrington's teetering?

That halfback option was completely unnecessary. There's no reason for it. And this is what happens. Seriously, I don't understand where Quincy had a "great" performance - I mean, he didn't outright suck, but "great"? Come on. Get some standards. And you've gotta break the huddle faster than that.

What's the worst way to lose in overtime: that, or the opening kickoff getting run back?

And these are YOUR Indianapolis Colts. This is scarier than last year. And that was the best game that defense has played since Dungy took over.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Kurt Warner; 2. Mark Brunell; 3. Patrick Ramsey; 4. The Titan who fell on the ball in the end zone; 5. A Texans offensive lineman.

Didn't we go through this last week? So if the Colts beat the Packers and the Vikings, then that makes this... never mind. Burleson, I believe, led the nation in catches his senior year at Nevada, so this isn't a shock or anything.

Why, yes, this DOES deserve its own line: THE WISCONSIN BAND~~~~~~~~~~

And that's how you use time outs. Touchdown! Didn't we go through this last week? It's not about getting it, it's about keeping it. Dear Lord. Is it happening again?

This is the third time the Giants have done this. I think Warner's leash just ran out of room. Sure enough... Eli's coming. (Hide your... I got nothin'.)

Troy Brown getting an INTERCEPTION may be the funniest thing ever.

Damn. Nicolette Sheridan's still kinda hot. Good to know. She's 41 on Sunday. Yeah, that was a fumble. That other corner is gonna get abused tonight no matter who he is. The Simoneau takeaway was... odd. Speedskating? OK, the great and underrated thing about The Play was Mitchell never giving up on it when he easily could have (he's had a terrible year) and deciding to just go deep and figure Donovan would get out of it. How do you leave Owens open like that? They diagrammed it like they were gonna double him but both guys missed. The 'Boys hung in there, but it was just too much and they don't have enough weapons. Witten impressed me tonight - he's the only one. This week's "You've Been Sacked" was the best one yet.

FANTASY REPORT
XFLaPa (5-5, L3): Unwilling to attempt to make a playoff run with Josh McCown, late last week I got David Carr and Antwaan Randle El from Gates for McCown, Andre Johnson and Marcus Pollard. And promptly got trounced. TROUNCED. I've fallen into a tie for seventh.

tSC (9-1, W8): It's like this every week: close until Monday Night. T.O.'s big night put me over the top again. Me, Johnny, Dupin and Rob are already in the playoffs (Johnny and I clinched last week.)

RANKINGS
TOP 3
1. Pittsburgh - Puttin' the hammer down
2. New England - Doing it every way possible
3. Philadelphia - Blowout? What blowout?

BOTTOM 3:
30. Carolina - We must protect this house... but we... can't
31. San Francisco - Got tagged for 37 by the PANTHERS
32. Miami - Back to A.J.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: Tread Carefully, Cowher; The Last Two Guys To Beat The Pats? FIRED

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at the frozen... plastic grass... of Ralph Wilson... Stadium. Yeah, that'll never catch on. So the Bills have just decided to stop throwing, I guess? Is that it? Oh, it's windy out. All right then. Oh, shit, he landed right on his head. Why's Pennington on the bench? Did the Bills just win this game?

You know, these two teams shouldn't be getting into pregame fights with the guy who puts the CO2 in the soda machines, much less each other. Somebody want to do the work for me and stack up Emmitt's career stats against the entire Dolphins' offense's? I pity the poor bastards who had to sit through this farce. And McCown does it again! OK, not really. BREAKING NEWS (naw, for real, dog): Wannstedt to resign.

Ward's rendition was better than T.O.'s, mostly because he has the benefit(?) of seeing Ray do it close up twice a year. Forty-two minutes? 42 MINUTES? Didn't they do the EXACT SAME THING last week? Dear Lord, the sky is NOT falling. Credit where it's due, people!

The Skins can play some D despite the fact that they should've used the Brunell money for a pass rush. Though their punt blocking schemes appear to be in fine shape. Hey, a Clinton Portis sighting! Where have you been since Week 2?

The Chiefs are back... who else would give up 34 to the Bucs?

Parcells is coming unglued. "Would you put Drew Henson in the middle of this?" I wouldn't want to be these guys next week. The only people scared of anybody on the Cowboys' offense are Cowboys fans. The orange unis... no. Just no. They were wrong when the Browns tried it, and they're wrong now. Leave them to Clemson; we'll all be better off.

Dillon's back. Can he play corner? Never mind, Troy Brown will do it. "Earthwind Moreland"? What, is his middle name "Fire"? (Cultural aside: Why do we DO this to our kids?) ADAM VINATIERI, PINPOINT PASSER. Martz: "I don't think that was the trickiest thing in the world. I mean, where was he going, to the john? We've got to pay more attention than that." Nice catch by Vrabel, too.

How the hell do you give up 28 straight points to the BEARS?!?!? The ALCS turned me into an ESPN Radio junkie, and Randy Mueller was on Sports Bash Monday saying how the Giants have done the opposite of what a team coached by a guy like Coughlin is supposed to do (like give up 28 straight points to the Bears.)

MY EYES! MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, YOUR New Orleans Saints! *crickets chirp* Free idea for Chargers management: trade Rivers (who you DIDN'T NEED) to the Packers. It worked out all right last time.

Well, that's one way to score on the Ravens. You know, it's the halfway point and I still have no idea what to make of the Browns. Yeesh. That ball went right through Shea's hands WHILE Ray was dragging him down. You need to catch that pass.

Just FALL ON IT. Somebody FALL ON IT. They're using Edge tonight. How about that. Nice to see some defense in the early going. OK, that punt should've either been blocked or never caught, and I'm mildly surprised Dungy didn't challenge there. THAT, Jake Plummer, is how you throw with your off hand. Did the Vikings ever get around to using that last time out? I was sorely disappointed in the lack of scoring in this game.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. T.O.; 2. Jim Haslett; 3. Lance Johnstone.

FANTASY REPORT

XFLaPa: Lost again (5-3, L2). The worst scenario in a larger league like this is losing a quarterback, since the only ones available at this point in the season are available for a reason. And most of the extra guys aren't any better than Josh Freakin' McCown. Trade efforts have thus far been rebuffed. Come back soon, Byron. The Seagulls need you.

tSC: WON again (8-1, W7). And again, was running neck-and-neck with Aaron until MNF (Harrison/Wayne vs. Bennett/Vanderjagt) and held on to win by three.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. Pittsburgh - Now with the power to STOP TIME
2. New England - Boston's mastery over St. Louis continues
3. Philadelphia - It was bound to happen

BOTTOM 3:
30. Arizona - Probably should've lost
31. San Francisco - Apparently looking to 2006
32. Miami - I'm slowly running out of material

Thinking Out Loud

"Democracy is a device that ensures we shall be governed no better than we deserve." - George Bernard Shaw

And Steve Gilliard joins the sidebar with this entry. Here's the highlight:

"Josh Marshall has a really good post about the future of the Democratic Party. He said he wondered if people would walk away because we lost. And he was told no, because this is where you build a movement.

You do not build strength in good times. You cannot. It is the hard times when your character shines through. I know some of people here bitching the loudest care the most. And they have to use that passion to remake what they love. Not hide, not walk away.

Because I learned in the most stark way possible that you cannot quit when things do not go your way. And IV tubes and ventiators and a foot long scar on your chest define not going your way far better than an election."

A Reason To Save Reality Television

Happy birthday, jackass

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 8: And When It Falls Down Who You Gonna Call Now?

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at the REAL Center Of Democracy, and we've bugged the opening coin flip: "All right, gentlemen. This side is heads, this side tails, and the fate of the free world is at stake. Captain, call it in the air."

We've also tapped a certain phone line: "Is this the NFL scheduling office? Yeah, you're damn right I'm from the Vikings. The next time you put us against the Giants, make THEM the home team?"

And from Drew Pearson's answering machine: "Hi, Drew, this is Coach Parcells. We're in a bit of a bind..." Seriously, who the hell were these guys? Smartly, Parcells decided to run the ball all game and damn the consequences.

We've been here before, too, right? Oh my God, a PUNT. Nice to see Peyton and Reggie patch things up. IF YOU NEED THE LORD, CALL A PRIEST. Hey, thanks for showing up, Edge. *rolls eyes* And an interception at the end seals it. 1,095? That's, what, two-thirds of a mile? Isn't this exactly how the playoff game went?

The sad thing is, the lesson of Leon Lett is such an easy one to learn.

This was exactly what the Ravens wanted - low scoring and serious defense. Did you notice Hartwell waited until Donovan was spinning before going after the ball? Then Dawkins knocks the ball out of Chester's hands with an elbow. Oh, man. T.O. Men have been killed for lesser transgressions. Why go for two there? Do you actually think the Ravens are capable of scoring 14 points? Boller had four more passing yards than McNabb, believe it or not.

(And is it just me or do I sense some sour grapes from Ray: "Don't be a coward and wait until you make one play to do something." Isn't that when you're supposed to do something? *shrugs*)

I left the house and Atlanta had just pulled to within three. I got to work and they were at 28 and climbing.

No Dillon? That could be important. Now Law's out? Problematic. And they immediately pick on the new guy! PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. OBVIOUSLY YOU DIDN'T HEAR ME THE FIRST TIME. Ben just looks so cool back there, like not a damn thing bothers him. There's that "Duuuuuce" chant in full effect. What about that time of possession: 42:57-17:03. Revenge for Kordell and Kris Brown? Well, it had to end sometime. I just didn't think it'd go down like this. This was a whipping, pure and simple. (And no, I don't like our chances.)

Why is no one talking about what Drew Brees is doing? This is almost like Manny being put on irrevocable waivers.

It's Dorsey/Krenzel II! With far less at stake! Do their college teams ('their' meaning the ones they personally played on) beat either of these teams?

Madden, on an official with glasses: "I was just glad they finally started admitting they couldn't see."

FANTASY REPORT
XFLaPa: Got the smack laid down on me by the first-place Ontario Surge. Leftwich's poor effort doomed me and the Jets' D didn't get enough turnovers to catch up. Now 5-3.
tSC: Pulled away from Hawley late on Martin's big game. It's lonely at the top. :)

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. Philadelphia - Style points don't mean anything in the pros
2. Pittsburgh - Biggest Eagles-Steelers game in 57 years(!)
3. New England - No excuses necessary

BOTTOM 3:
30. Arizona - At least Boldin's back
31. Miami - Al Michaels: "The best thing to happen to the Dolphins this year? Shaquille O'Neal."
32. San Francisco - GAH

And GO VOTE. Unless, of course, your country's not... having... elections.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: Bury Me Deep, I'm Cold and Clammy

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at... damn, they scored ALREADY? That was quick. "T.O. has B.O."? WEAK. I expect better from Browns fans. Which team is more schizophrenic - the Browns or the Rams? What's happening here is that the Browns are running the ball to stay in the game so they can keep running the ball. To the Eagles' credit, they were a lot better about stopping them in the second half. How in the blue hell is that roughing the passer? Suggs backing into him did more damage. Hey, wait a minute... there's nobody on the left side of the field. And THAT, friends, is why they're the best road team in football.

Never mind that schizophrenic question... it's obviously the Rams. Maybe the Dolphins should just run nothing BUT trick plays. We know the conventional approach hasn't worked.

Oh, great. A Deion highlight. *vomits*

One has to wonder what Vick did on the flight to Kansas City without any teammates to talk to. Sweet fancy Moses. Those eight (and nothing but) rushing touchdowns? Never happened before - a fact that really isn't that surprising.

The Chargers are a game back with a quarterback they don't want. I find this funny for some reason.

MKD IN THE HOUUUUUUUUSE! So we can blame him, then, for this, I guess. We've got balls and flags flying around like it's nobody's business. Did the Colts even have the ball in the third quarter? Uh, it was on camera, Reggie. Don't tell us it didn't happen. And all of a sudden the Jags are in first place. How did this happen?

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Bears-Bucs.

WE HAVE COME TO AVENGE OUR PINSTRIPED BROTHERS IN ARMS. 5-0 vs. 5-0 hasn't happened in 21 years. Is there still bad blood over the Parcells thing or is that over with finally? And then after halftime everything stopped. No, we're Ok with seven points, thank you very much. Pennington should've looked off Chrebet at the end. This team isn't losing until Week 11. OF 2005.

Have the Cowboys really never won on the Frozen Tundra? I thought their defense was supposed to be a strength. Sherman's been calling most of the plays the last two weeks and they've scored 72 points.

This Week It Sucks To Be: Tim Couch. What a fall, huh? From being the top overall pick and dating Heather Kozar to being told by the Bears, "Yeah, we'd rather not, actually."

If nothing else, Johnny, "I'd also like to remind everyone to be careful of flying pundits as they jump off our bandwagon" is an early favorite for Line Of The Year.

FIFTEEN YEARS. Not a peep from a humbled Chad this week, then he embarrasses Champ twice. Are the Bengals winning this game? Save the one pick by Champ, Palmer's looked sharp tonight. And that "Marvin Night Football" sign isn't getting topped on artistic merit this year or next, so don't even bother. Maybe the Bengals should only play night games.

FANTASY REPORT:

tSC: The train continues to roll as the Saboteurs beat up on Tyler. 6-1 and tied with Johnny, of all people, for first.

XFLaPa: Balance has been the key for me. Five double-digit efforts helped me beat Wade and move to 5-2.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England - It continues
2. Philadelphia - I'm pretty certain nobody expected this
3. Pittsburgh - I'm positive nobody expected this

BOTTOM 3:
30. Miami - On the strength of beating someone that doesn't suck
31. Buffalo - Fans trying to heal Losman's leg through telepathy
32. Chicago - Jeff George still waiting by his phone

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Get With This Or Get With That

Man, I was all ready to play the Bill Simmons Movie Quote Game and give "Fuck pride. Pride only hurts. It never helps" to Jerry Rice but then he got traded.

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at The Really Big Bank in Philadelphia, P-A. REVENGE THE TIME IS NOW. Actually, this really wasn't all that interesting outside of Jake taking that hit and coming completely unglued. The Sheppard interception runback was everything a good run aspires to be.

Yeah, the Chargers can't keep giving away games like this. Vick right now is in that Randall Cunningham "make five big plays and we'll win" phase.

Hey, look, Clinton Portis is back. Are these the two worst starting quarterbacks in the league right now? And do either of these teams play Arizona this year? I'd just like to point out that I was right about Kelly Holcomb last year, and it looks like I'm going to be right about Brunell this year, too.

The Dolphins will win the rematch because the Bills aren't really any better and Bledsoe won't be starting by then.

This proved that Favre's like a vampire - if you're gonna put him down, you need to put him ALL THE WAY DOWN.

If nothing else, the Seahawks'll be used to the crappy weather. This is a bad spot for them, especially after last week. They're not winning this game. They're not winning this game. CLANG! Let's re-think that. Did Johnson catch that? I'm not sure. I demand multiple shots of Bridget up in the skybox. And why bother with that last play? You'll still LOSE.

So much for the Titans' bounce-back.

It sucks about Gannon, but it wouldn't make a difference... the Raiders just aren't very good.

Meet the new Steelers, same as... the OLD Steelers? The "Duuuuuuce" chant was bigger in Dallas than it was in Pittsburgh. Get with the program already. It's not just that Ben's not making mistakes - he's actually playing well.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: 49ers-Jets OR Vikings-Saints.

Fantasy Report

aPaXFL: Scott Christ beat me, and there wasn't a whole lot I could have done about it, what with bye weeks and all. Holt made it close on Monday night, though. I dropped to 4-2, and Wade is next. Brad Johnson wasn't traded, so he's gone.

tSC: Another nail-biter, this time with Butch. The Rams' four takeaways on Monday night (and the irony of us having the opposing defenses) allowed me to hold him off despite getting virtually nothing from Bruce and absolutely nothing from L.J. Smith. 5-1. First place. It's a celebration, bitches. (Rob beat Hawley by about .5 - he didn't realize the Colts were off this week.)

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England - 20!
2. Philadelphia - Still chugging along
3. Pittsburgh - Surprise? Kinda

BOTTOM 3:
30. Chicago - Just nothing there
31. Buffalo - Yeah, way to go, guys
32. Miami - By that much

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Separation Anxiety

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at the outdoor stadium that really isn't. In case you were wondering (and even if you weren't, I'm telling you anyway. My recap, not yours) my order of NFC East hatred goes like this from worst to least: Cowboys, Redskins, Giants. Hey, Shockey! Nice to see you actually catching the ball again! Did you notice when he pushed off on Roy that he was blocking the ref's view as he did it? What Tiki's doing is he's holding the ball up higher on his body now so there aren't any gaps. Eli who?

Has Chris Simms been absolved at Texas yet? Because it's obvious now that it wasn't all his fault. Is that... wait a minute, that... THAT'S BRIAN GRIESE'S MUSIC!!! You'd think he'd have taken No. 12 for posterity or something. Time to start the clock on Haslett, methinks.

Oh my God. The Vikings played a bad enough endgame to lose... and DIDN'T! Outside, no less.

The "Duuuuuuuuce!" cheer hasn't quite caught on yet in Pittsburgh.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Dolphins-Patriots. I say that only because the Dolphins actually scored.

Has there ever been less talent in an NFL game than Cardinals-49ers? And they get to do this AGAIN.

Bobby Taylor's not starting? What's that about? Bulger was absolutely awful for the middle two quarters. The Seahawks probably should've had five or six picks instead of just three. Can't any of these guys catch? It's like they switched coaches after three quarters or something. The amazing thing about this was that it wasn't Holt and Bruce making the plays downfield - it was all these anonymous other guys. I still would have taken one more shot at the end zone with 13 seconds left, but it worked out this time. This should never have happened. I don't know who No. 34 is - I couldn't catch his name because he was running so fast after the Rams' receivers - but he needs to go.

POWDER BLUE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3-2? How did THAT happen?

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Ahman Green; 2. Matt Willig; 3. whoever No. 34 is on the Seahawks.

Reuben Droughns? Now injuries are beating down the Panthers. The plan now appears to be for Plummer to do one absolutely nutty thing every week. What is your dumb ass doing? You don't throw a flag in disgust when the official is standing right there! Rip him a new one, Fox! On the up side, we've got an early front-runner for this year's Dwayne Rudd Memorial Abject Stupidity Award.

Yeah, we've got a perfectly serviceable young quarterback who got beat up a lot, but showed some big-time potential as well. So let's overpay a washed-up veteran we don't actually need. THAT was a smart move. *rolls eyes* Was it just me or did Ed Reed win this game all by himself?

Has the Packers' defense actually gotten WORSE? Add Green's fumbling to that and they're forced to put it all on Favre again, which just doesn't work as well as it used to. Why was McNair still in the game at the end?

Fantasy Report

XFLaPa: The unbeatens are NO MORE. Andre Johnson's big game and Green's bad hands helped me hold off Aaron, while Will's Ontario Surge knocked off Jeff with a whopping 120 points. But never has a 4-1 team had so many holes. I'm starting Richie Anderson at RB this week, for God's sake. Although, I'm facing Scott Christ, who's put out the white flag.

tSC: Dupin and I were in a dogfight, and he had Chris Brown on Monday night. But Favre did just enough for me to win by 1.36. Butch is next, but I've got a trade offer in to Dillon to get some depth and clear out some deadwood.

RANKINGS

TOP 3
1. New England - Streak? What streak?
2. Philadelphia - Licking their chops at wounded Panthers
3. Indianapolis - It only gets easier from here

BOTTOM 3
30. Arizona - At least McCown finally threw a TD pass
31 (tie) Buffalo & Miami - This may end up a scoreless tie. Seriously

I'm A Little Late On This One

Hey, remember this?

Well, Stern's thrown in the towel and did what Easy suspected then he might do - jump to satellite radio. And Sirius is paying him a metric assload of money to do it. Apparently he's not waiting around for the election results before bailing out.

The upshot? The Stern vs. O & A feud continues... IN THE DEEPEST REACHES OF SPACE.

USPC #-1

Toto Leonidas will NOT repeat as the U.S. Poker Champion in 2004.

I know this because I saw him get knocked out.

Welcome to the 2004 U.S. Poker Championship at the Trump Taj Mahal.

(as spoiler-free as possible)

When I arrived, there were 21 players left and Huck Seed went all-in with two queens on the board. I want to know what he had. Seed turned out to be the last player there who I knew just by name. What's left are your mid-level players, your "That Guys" of poker for you Bill Simmons fans out there. I think I saw Johnny "World" Hennigan there, but he wasn't entered. It's a drive through the tunnel for him, at any rate. (For the record, here are the Famous Poker Players I missed: Chip Reese, Layne Flack, Howard Lederer, Chris Ferguson, Josh Arieh, Scotty Nguyen, Erik Seidel.) The field for this event is smaller because, unlike he WSOP, you can only qualify through a live tournament.

Right after the dinner break, Michael White was talking about a hand he had earlier in the tournament. He had A-J with 13,000 left in early position. He bet 7000, a second player raised, and a third player went all-in. White went all-in by calling.

Player #2 turns over K-K. Player #3 turns over A-A.

The flop? K-Q-10.

White flopped a straight and the poor bastard with Aces got bounced. He held on to win the hand and triple up.

There's a lot of sitting around at a live tournament. One thing I saw a lot of was somebody raising the pot - didn't matter where - and everyone else just folding.

There were two tables still in play when I got there. The setup wasn't what I expected - I knew the feature table was in the concert arena at the casino, but it's just that one table. And it's a small area - closed in with curtains and about six rows of spectators for a "live crowd" feel. It was probably done this way because the tables in the actual poker room at the Taj are so close together, there's really no room to stand around anywhere or to put a crowd in. The "outer" table was in the poker room proper, and they had a lesser camera setup. They'll stop to move people from table to table to keep both looking relatively full.

One thing that threw me was during the sessions at the feature table, there was a small group of people in the audience who were cheering for EVERYBODY. It wasn't until after the session ended that I found out what this was about... AUDIENCE COORDINATION. Or, Plants. And they... got their parking validated for their trouble? Talk about working cheap.

There was a Norman Chad sighting at about 9:45.

Funny moment: On one of the screens behind the feature table, they were showing the other table, and at one point when there were only 11 players left, about five people sitting in the "standby" area, including myself, all jumped up and moved over to get a look at the screen. Everybody at the other table was standing because there was an all-in, and if the guy was eliminated, everyone was coming over to the feature table.

The guy was eliminated.

I'll try to get back tomorrow. But it's the final day, and they expect the place to be packed.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Observing The Gap

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at The Confluence of the Ohio, the Allegheny, and... what? They're not there anymore? Ah, crap. Part of the problem for the Bengals is that people know they're coming now. This whole "back to basics" approach seems to be working for the Steelers. Which leads us into This Week It Sucks To Be: Any Bengal who got schooled on Polamalu's interception return.

The Cleveland Browns: An enigma wrapped in a mystery.

BOUNCE. The human head's not supposed to do that. And, typical Favre, he can't help himself and comes back in and THROWS A TOUCHDOWN PASS. I'm thinking Warner should've just gone in, but he didn't think he'd make it even though he's have scored easily if he dove instead of slid. Probably just the fact that he was running in the first place had a lot to do with it. Doug Pederson in any game at any time is a bad sign, folks. Lookit the G-Men at 3-1. Then McKenzie was traded. I don't care how good a player is, if he wants out, you'll always be better off without him.

This may have been what Rob was afraid of, I think: the first view of Kerry Collins being the bad Kerry Collins.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Eagles-Bears. Though, having now seen them, I'd like to be the first to give the Bears some credit for keeping their motors running. Here's how you disguise a shaky run defense: Take early leads. Did he just bump into the punt returner? Don't you have to know where he is? Apparently three hours of football wasn't enough for T.O. to work off the big dinner at the McNabb family household the night before.

The Patriots won? Really?

Emmitt~~~~ Would he be the best quarterback on the team right now? The Cardinals pick somebody off at home every year. You just hope when it happens to you, it's not at a time when it matters.

Holy shit! It's the Chargers!

What's happened to the Ravens' defense? I know it's the Chiefs, but they don't have any receivers. Right now the choice between Priest & Jamal is fairly obvious, I think.

Fantasy Report:
aPaXFL: The Jets' defense (a free-agent pickup), Emmitt and David Akers (18 pts) led us to a rout of Max's Happy Little Trees. I went with Leftwich at quarterback, and Brad Johnson's benching today means I'll be going with Leftwich for quite some time. I'm 3-1, and next week is The Team That Has Not Been Named.

tSC: Johnny and I were in a proverbial dogfight right up to the bitter end, when The Man held Dante Hall down and I won by nine, giving him his first loss. I'm one of three teams at 3-1, and face another one (Dupin's Sweet Zombie Jesus) next week. Lineup changes abound: Bruce becomes a starter, and Emmitt slides into the flex spot.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England - Yawn
2. Seattle - Running in place
3. Philadelphia - Best start in years

BOTTOM 3:
30. Tampa Bay - Is Phil's kid in to stay?
31. Miami - Somebody call Marine Rescue
32. San Francisco - It's... it's not good, people

The Heat Is On

The Week 4 recap is coming later today. Promise. Things have happened.

Things like THIS, for instance.

I come home from work last night, and I drive past my apartment complex to get to the entrance to my parking lot, and I see a red flashing light out of the corner of my eye. I think nothing of it.

I turn off the road and go to park... and there's a fire engine right in front of me.

Needless to say, I won't be parking there.

I drive around to the other side and see two more fire trucks and a couple fo rescue vehicles. Add it up.

Thankfully, it wasn't my building. Though I won't lie to you... I was scared. Things seemed to be wrapping up when I got to the actual scene - I saw some firefighters dragging hose out of the building and down the stairs, and they were pretty much milling around with no real sense of urgency. Some neighbors showed up a few minutes after I did, and I told them what was going on.

I don't know when exactly things cleared out. More info if I get it.

Audio Slave

So about two weeks ago, I'd been getting messages from the good folks at Arbitron, and they finally caught up with me a week ago. They talked about the system, I gave them some info, and I'm in for a week, starting today. They sent me the diary, the little survey on the back, some cash (new bills, even), the whole bit.

Yet I don't feel like I'm affecting anything.

See, in this market, there's the hip-hop station - and everyone else is playing for second. They say they're "number one with everybody" and they ARE. They've won the last two spring ratings books by four points. That's astronomical. The 500-pound gorilla down here is Equity Communications, and like any self-respecting radio conglomerate, they've got their hands in every genre.

I don't listen to the radio at home, partly because the reception is terrible. God alone knows what these walls are made of. I've usually got either some CDs playing or I'm listening to my MP3's on my MusicMatch jukebox. The only time I'll have the radio on is in my car. So this is going to be a very small sample.

We've got an independently owned rock station that's headquartered about a mile from work. Yes, it's as rare as you think it sounds. It actually plays stuff you wouldn't expect - you'll hear Philadelphia bands just as frequently as you would on the Philly stations. It has a reggae show on Sunday afternoons. It had a great book last fall, but fell back a bit in the spring. It's the other local station I listen to down here, so I'll try to give them a bump. Ratings talk in radio, and I figure every little bit helps.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: Follow Me To Triage

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at the prettiest thing IN Detroit, Ford Field. They've had a Super Bowl in this city. Think about that for a minute. This is the NFC team I see the least, I think. Did Harrington just DROP the ball? I'm thinking he's a little frightened. Mike f'n Bartrum? First he gets face time in the Eagles' Chunky Soup commercial, now this? He's a LONG SNAPPER, for God's sake. Roy's been the second-best player on the field. He's gonna be scary good. They never mentioned on MNF last week that Donovan's wife was about to GIVE BIRTH. I'm not sure how you get "Roxy" from "Raquel" but whatever.

Can the Jaguars really make a habit out of this?

Haslett vs. Martz. How this didn't end in a tie, I'll never know. They let John Carney back in the country? You blow an extra point and probably cost your team a playoff berth in the process, then come back and hit two from 50-plus? Explain yourself, sir.

Keep in mind the Chiefs only lost three games all last season. What's changed? Nothing. And that may be the problem. Chew on that for a while.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Vikings-Bears. No Urlacher, three injured secondary starters, a Florida quarterback, and you can only win by FIVE? You're doing it again, people... you're doing it again. Who IS the Bears' backup? I don't even know.

When they flashed the Falcons final I thought it was the Braves score. And this was before I found out they were THE SAME.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Roy Jones Jr., 2. Any Chiefs defender, 3. Any Packers DB

SPEAKING OF. Man, think about the viewers who went from Cardinals-Falcons to THIS. Their heads probably exploded. I think I even missed the first score, or it happened right after the switchover. Have the Colts run the ball yet? A lot of this was just the receivers outrunning the secondaries, both of which were banged up though I doubt it would've mattered. Favre can still bring it, but the Colts' D was just a little bit better. How ironic - a rushing touchdown ends it.

You're letting me down, Quentin. I'll take Lelie's catch here slightly over Andre Johnson's only because this one was a touchdown.

This is uncharted territory for all of us. 1977's just before the Niners got good, and none of us are old enough to remember them ever being bad.

Was it really just two seasons ago? Gannon goes down and Rob bursts into tears. (I really need to razz him about this next time I talk to him, by the way.) There's at least 10 teams in this league Collins could start for. The Bucs have nothing on offense. Nothing. Ken Dilger isn't even good anymore.

Nice of them to keep the lights off at Pro Player to save power. That is one big fucking puddle, I must say. Seriously, did you see this shit? Are the Dolphins even the best team in Miami at this point? (A.J.'s still better than Brock Berlin, though.)

Remember the last time these two played on MNF and they BROUGHT THE COMEDY~~? Vinny throwing on the first three plays? Problematic. YOU'VE BEEN SACKED~~~~~

This Week's General Observation: The inside of an MRI machine

Fantasy Report

aPaXFL: Went against Sean's Baton Rouge Tigers, who have... Favre. 36.16. But Brad Johnson having to play catch-up and the Seahawks D blanking the Niners gave me a six-point win. Still, I have no confidence in my current crop of QB's or RB's, so I'm willing to deal. Manning didn't outscore any teams in this league...

tSC: I have Favre in this league. 113-44. Spear may not want to talk to me anytime soon. Favre by himself outscored both Butch AND Tyler, and Manning beat both of them plus Spear. I'm 2-1 in both leagues.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England - DNP. DNM.
2. Seattle - Shutouts are hard
3. Philadelphia - Continuing mastery on road

BOTTOM 3:
30. Arizona - Kept Vick out of the end zone, at least
31. Miami - Surprised hurricanes haven't washed them away yet
32. San Francisco - Shutouts are hard

And This Time, Could You Let Me Know?

My parents have been out looking at houses. This, by itself, is nothing remarkable. It's like a hobby to them, looking at houses. Has been for years. They've actually gone out for the sole purpose of looking at houses that they have no intention of even considering thinking about buying. That's how insane this is.

But this time, they're thinking about moving.

STORY ALERT~ May 1995. I'm finishing up my junior year at college, and during finals week I talked to my parents and learned that I'll have to come home by myself. That meant packing my car (brown '83 Cavalier; originally Mom's) with the contents of my dorm room and driving two hours. During the conversation, nothing was said about a possible move. Nothing was even said about a trip to look at houses.

I get on the street to my house and there's a "For Sale" sign out front. I have no idea what's going on. My parents aren't home yet, so I unpacked the car and sat in the driveway, waiting for them. I think Mom got home first, and she got out of the car and I didn't say anything, but pointed to the sign. Turns out they'd mistakenly thought they'd told me.

Anyway, the house was sold a couple months later, but the house Mom and Dad were having built wouldn't be ready until February, and the buyers neded to be in at the end of October - like my dad, they were moving here because the husband had been transferred to McGuire Air Force Base. So we (including our sheepdog) spent Thanksgiving and Christmas in this tiny two-bedroom apartment.

The winter of 1995 was pretty bad and knocked construction behind schedule, so the house now wouldn't be finished until March. It was - just barely missing the Blizzard of '96.

And now they've both decided that the place is too big for the two of them, so I learned tonight that they've been looking into "adult communities." I think a lot of the stuff that happened this summer with the toilet flooding and everything that came out of that had a lot to do with it, plus it really is just a lot of house and property to manage that they don't even really use. When we first moved in, I thought it strange even then that they would move up to a bigger house when I was about to graduate from college and wasn't expecting to come back at all (I was still hopelessly optimistic that I'd actually, you know, get a job right out of college. I thought that still happened. I ended up staying in that house for five years after that.), so I end up being right eight years after the fact.

Ah, well. At least this time it won't be a surprise.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Quality Milkshakes Or Suffer The Consequences

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at Exit 16W off the New Jersey Turnpike, and if you stand in the right spot, you might recover a Redskins fumble. There is a Rutherford proper, FYI. What in the blue hell was going on here? Some D.C. columnist actually called the NFC East "wide open". Not after this display, it's not. Joe Gibbs teams didn't used to do this; then again, Joe Gibbs teams used to be intelligently constructed. Two good games in a row from Warner. Hold the phone, people. This is also This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close, to get that out of the way.

We're starting a petition at the office that Roethlisberger must be referred to in the media as Ben Jones. Who's in?

PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I can't imagine anyone having to sit through Broncos-Jags - just seemed like an exercise in tedium and agony. How is this team 2-0?

The Falcons beating the Rams was both surprising and not. Discuss.

Not one mention of Rex Grossman in the Bears' highlights. Odd. But who cares when you've got Mike Brown wrecking shop? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Then HE went down. How did this one happen?

Roy's wearing #11? What, are we back in the Run 'n' Shoot days where they had 19 wideouts on the roster?

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Dave Wannstedt, 2. Kellen Winslow II, 3. Brad Johnson, 4. A Washington Redskins offensive player, 5. A Baltimore Ravens offensive player.

So it's Patriots > Colts > Titans, then? Is that it? And the radio call on the Harper interception was HIGH-larious. "Mason's got it! No! Harper took it away from him! FUCK!" Okay, maybe I made that last bit up.

The Bills haven't visited the Raiders since '77? The Jets go there every damn year, it seems. I wonder when somebody realized the Rice streak was about to end.

What's the turnaround time for game film distribution? Because apparently the Browns and Cowboys decided that the Redskins-Giants game needed to be repeated. There wre damn near back-to-back picks at one point, which houls lead to a forced stoppage or something. I'm only harping on this because Vinny's been making the same mistakes for eighteen years. They're not gonna win with him. I honestly believe that. Also, who here knew before that that you could onside a free kick?

It's genuinely frightening how much Chris resembles Phil. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL.

Prophecy of the Week: "Caveat: no Brian Simmons or Deltha O'Neal, though." And who ran back an interception for a TD? Maguire killing the Dolphins' O-line throughout the second half was nutty. The old Bengals lose this game. No two ways about it. I think this Palmer kid's gonna be all right.

Why hasn't anyone started calling Reid "Mr. Monday Night" yet? Note to self: Consider starting L.J. Smith. All of a sudden, the Eagles' pass rush just exploded and they were chasing Daunte all over the field. This "settling for field goals" business isn't gonna help anyone. That wasn't Daunte that fumbled at the goal line; it was a member of the Washington Redskins. You HAVE to score touchdowns in this league. The game ended at that point. Before Gates complains, Moss did push the guy, though I will cop to some acting on Hood's part. I'm impresed that Donovan got that much drag on his moonwalk in cleats. How many false starts did the Vikings have? Would it have killed them to throw deep more than, oh, ONCE? Are you like me and was somehow expecting, I dunno, more points?

This Week's General Observation: PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Duh.

Fantasy Report:
XLFaPa: Jeff KICKED MY ASS. Didn't he beat me in Week 2 LAST year, too? Brad Johnson: -1.32 points. That's all you need to know. With K2's injury, Jim Kleinsasser was dropped for Marcus Pollard.

tSC: As I told Rob, I doubted Emmitt's ability to duplicate last week's effort against the Patriots. Thanks to the Ravens' D playing like they should (20 pts.), the Saboteurs beat Rob like he owed us money, which he actually might ;)

RANKINGS~:
TOP 3:
1. New England - Who betta?
2. Seattle - Two road wins in two tough places
3. Philadelphia - Bend? Sure. Break? Nope

BOTTOM 3:
30. Miami - At least they still have the Heat
31. (tie) Arizona and San Francisco - "I would take the Under Armour team over the Cardinals and 49ers." - Robert Cressey, Cincinnati

"Where The White Women At?"

Not up in here, apparently

(Shamelessly stolen from Lindsay)

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Week 1: Mildly Sexier Than Keith Olbermann

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at Brady's Razor in Lesser Boston, Massachusetts. Nice weather. Who knew turnovers in the red zone would become an unfortunate theme of the week. Dillon's going to make life so much easier for that team. Vanderjagt... MISSES? WTF? I suddenly miss Ralph Wiley again :( He HATED Vanderjagt.

Curtis Martin? Really? I still maintain that he is one of, if not the, most underrated players of this era. Palmer actually looked pretty good, but the Bengals' defense hurt them. Badly. Caveat: no Brian Simmons or Deltha O'Neal, though.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Charles Rogers; 2. Mike Vanderjagt; 3. Brian Billick; 4. the guy who Leftwich burned on the last play.

Way to make an impact, Deion. *snickers* The Browns, unwilling to be schooled again, brought a 12-man front or something; I don't know what this was. Garcia looked sharp and controlled; Boller looked lost and confused. Thank God they don't play the Bears this year... that might have been the first game where negative points were scored.

Butch: "PROJECTED SEASON STATISTICS FOR JEROME BETTIS: 16 yards, 48 touchdowns. WHAT." And in retrospect, I should've been watching this instead of Bucs-Redskins, since things were happening here. 70's rivalries renewed! Old-time football! DUUUUUUUCE. Last-second field goals! This was football the way God intended.

Maybe Portis is just a damn good running back. You've been able to do this to Tampa for years, though. Well, when you have no pass rush, BLITZ! Dare I say they looked like the Eagles defense out there.

Can I just remind you, first of all, that last year the Eagles didn't have a wide receiver catch a touchdown pass until Week 9. Neidermayer? DEAD! Dean Wormer? DEAD! Jeff Feagles? DEAD! That second McNabb to Owens TD we're going to start calling the Air Hockey Pass, 'cause that's what it looked like. *hears "Eli" chant* How many passes did the Giants drop? CRASH! Welcome to the big leagues, kid.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Falcons-49ers.

Fifty pass attempts? FIFTY? Vinny should NEVER throw fifty passes in a game. It's not because he's old, it's because he sucks. Now do you see why I'm not believing in this team?

Pat Summerall! And somehow we went from this to remembering Jimmy the Greek at work and trying to figure out who the Redskins' other quarterbacks were the year Doug Williams won the Super Bowl for them. (Jay Schroeder and who else? Anyone?) Every time they try to throw at Champ, something bad happens. Have you noticed that? He's covering Gonzalez. No, REALLY. Boy, the refs dropped the ball here, huh? How do you forget to mark off the yardage? I thought this was the same crew that blew the coin toss in that Thanksgiving game a few years ago but I've since been corrected. Is Quentin succeeding Alexander as the new "Mr. Sunday Night"? And now we've gone from Good Jake to Bad Jake. Course, the Chiefs can't stop either one...

Why, yes, the Packers ARE going to miss McKenzie. STOP GIVING GREEN THE BALL. ESPECIALLY ON PASS PLAYS. See the above comment on the Redskins blitzing the blue hell out of the Bucs and apply it here. Man, the Panthers' lines are just getting embarrassed. Who called this one? I sure didn't.

This Week's General Observation: As somebody (Jaworski?) predicted, the new enforcement of the 5-yard bump rules has actually helped the tight ends more than the wideouts.

Fantasy Report:

XFLaPa: Thankfully, Quentin Griffin did win the Broncos' RB job, and he led the way over Merc.

tSC: Lost to Air Force Blues by 1.43! Bettis rode my bench and ran for three scores on one yard. Then Favre had to complete a touchdown pass... TO GREEN. I'm physically angry right now.

(Mike Spears contributed to the Fantasy Report.)

Fearful Forecast '04

So here it is. Bear in mind that the top five or so NFC teams are pretty much interchangeable, and none of them are better than the Patriots (and may not be better than the Colts, either)

NFC EAST
(3) Philadelphia - Birds going for broke
Washington - No pass rush, but at least they're not...
Dallas - When Vinny Testaverde is your quarterback... well, you all know the rest
N.Y. Giants - Eli's over/under: Week 9

NFC NORTH
(2) Minnesota - No pressure. Really! *rolls eyes*
(6) Green Bay - Favre/Green combo still dangerous
Detroit - Will make a move, but probably a year away still
Chicago - Is Lovie his real name?

NFC SOUTH
(4) Carolina - 3 D's (Delhomme, Davis, and defense) win four-way toss-up
New Orleans - We're gonna find out about Haslett... and I don't think it'll be pretty
Atlanta - Now to build the rest of the team
Tampa Bay - Too many losses to overcome

NFC WEST
(1) Seattle - How about winning some road games?
(5) St. Louis - Martz's last stand
San Francisco - WHA HAPPENED?
Arizona - I'll say it again: Dennis Green better be right about McCown

AFC EAST
(1) New England - This time, Pats improved after Super Bowl
N.Y. Jets - A healthy Pennington is key
Miami - I may be quarterback by Week 10 at this rate
Buffalo - Who knows, man... who knows

AFC NORTH
(4) Cincinnati - Why the hell not
Pittsburgh - Over/under on Rothlisberger: Week 13
Baltimore - Could face 11-man fronts. No, REALLY
Cleveland - Don't like this defense one bit

AFC SOUTH
(2) Indianapolis - But that D's stil a concern
(5) Tennessee - Titans reshuffling the deck
Jacksonville - Leftwich on move upwards
Houston - As is Carr

AFC WEST
(3) Denver - Champ will be worth the price paid
(6) Kansas City - Can Gunther pump life into defense?
Oakland - Over/under on QB controversy: Week 3
San Diego - LDT one step closer to DEATH

WILD CARD
Philadelphia over Green Bay; Carolina over St. Louis
Denver over KC; Tennessee over Cincinnati

DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS
Philadelpha over Minnesota; Seattle over Carolina
New England over Tennessee; Indianapolis over Denver

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS
Philadelphia over Seattle
New England over Indianapolis

SUPER BOWL 39
New England over Philadelphia

A Somewhat Major Miscalculation

I'm sorry, it turns out that THIS is the Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse.

My mistake.

Fantasy Draft Report, 2 of 2

Last year the Thread aPa~! Yahoo league did a brand extension, and last year the New Jersey Seagulls were the runners-up in the USFLaPa. This year we're in the other league, the XFLaPa. Picking 12th out of 14 teams, serpentine order, drawn about a month ago when Ska pulled names out of hats. No, REALLY. Again, I wasn't there to make my own picks Saturday night, as I had to work.

First pick was Johnny, who took Priest. One wonders how many leagues Priest WASN'T taken first in. Probably only San Diego-based ones.

1 (12) WR Marvin Harrison - See the tSC draft.

2 (17) WR Torry Holt - Took over as the main man on the outside of the Rams' passing offense last year. He's their main deep threat and should see the end zone a lot.

3 (40) WR Andre Johnson - ANOTHER wide receiver? Ah, crap. And Favre went with the next pick. Well, at least I'm set at the position with this emerging talent.

4 (45) RB Quentin Griffin - The starting running back job is up for grabs in Denver. Griffin did well in limited duty last year, and if nothing else, he'll proably at least be on return duty with Deltha O'Neal gone. Still, not a pick I would've made in person, especially with STEVE McNAIR still on the board. Damn you, Yahoo. Damn your SOUL.

5 (68) TE Kellen Winslow II - Big man, big mouth, but big-time potential.

6 (73) RB Emmitt Smith - What, AGAIN?

7 (96) QB Brad Johnson - Hmmm. On one hand, you won't get hurt by the interception with him. On the other hand, Keenan McCardell better get into camp soon.

8 (101) K David Akers - For the record, the run on kickers began at the beginning of the next round.

9 (124) Seattle DEF - Developing unit added veteran CB Bobby Taylor and rookie DT Marcus Tubbs. There wasn't a markedly better defense on the board at that point.

10 (129) WR Kevin Johnson - The Ravens settled for Kevin after the Terrell Owens situation. He's probably better than Travis Taylor, but I don't think he'll get the numbers he could.

11 (152) WR Quincy Morgan - Kevin's former Cleveland teammate. Good bench guy at this point only because I don't know who the Browns' No. 1 receiver is. Still, his numbers should go up now that there's a quarterback in Cleveland.

12 (157) QB Byron Leftwich - Oh, man. If he can build on the second half of last season, they'll have to arrest my ass for HIGHWAY ROBBERY.

13 (180) RB Larry Johnson - Will be lucky to get off the bench, in Kansas City OR here. Will be removed at the first available opportunity.

14 (185) Atlanta DEF - Yahoo? You're better than this. [/Kilborn] (Was dropped last week for TE Jim Kleinsasser.)

15 (208) K John Carney - Oooh, a backup kicker. And, to boot, the guy who blew the extra point after the Saints did their Cal impersonation last season. Won't last past the Eagles' bye week.

Yeah, this I'm not liking so much. If Griffin doesn't win the Denver job, I'm screwed at running back, but at least this year I know I could be screwed and have enough depth at WR that I can start actively looking for upgrades (Even Holt can be had for the right price.) Everything else is eh.

30: The Ultimate Guest List

Yeah. yesterday was my birthday. We'll go into that later.

But how about this for an August 21 birthday party:

Wilt Chamberlain

Alicia Witt

Kim Cattrall

Carrie-Anne Moss

Barbara Moore (Miss December 1992)

Amy Fisher

Chris Schenkel

Nathan Jones (Yes, THAT one)

John Wetteland

Friz Freleng

Loretta Devine

Melvin Van Peebles

Kelis

Jim McMahon

(I think Kenny Rogers, also, but I can't find any confirmation of this)

OK... so to save money, the party will have to be held somewhere without windows, 'cause with that group, they'll all get broken in new and interesting ways.

Fantasy Draft Report, 1 of 2

That's right, TWO. Rob ran the tSC (plus Johnny) draft Thursday, and I've jumped leagues in the Thread aPa~! draft and am now in the XFLaPa. That draft's next Saturday.

Scenario: 10 teams. Yahoo. Serpentine order, randomized beforehand. Lineups are QB/3WR/2RB/WR-RB/K/DEF. I'm picking fifth/sixth. Rob led off (FIX!) with Priest. Dillon took Tomlinson second, Butch grabbed Portis (who singlehandedly saved my season last year) third, and Dupin got his boy Peyton (he's a Colts fan) at 4. I think only Spear and Johnny were actually there. You know why I wasn't.

1 (5) WR Marvin Harrison - That's right, bitches. The best wide receiver in the league despite what Keyshawn Johnson thinks.

2 (16) RB Stephen Davis. - A workhorse who doesn't need to be, and can get you touchdowns. I think Dillon auto-picked Ricky Williams in this round, shattering Spear's spirits. He was promptly waived.

3 (25) WR Terrell Owens - T.O.! The best part? When he says something stupid, IT WON'T MATTER.

4 (46) WR Anquan Boldin - I knew this would happen. Out 8 weeks after surgery and I take him in the fourth round. Still, the Cardinals will trail early and often, so when he comes back, it's on.

5 (55) RB Curtis Martin - A good second back at this point in his career. Slowing down a bit, but still one of the underrated players of this era, IMO.

6 (66) QB Brett Favre - Why did it take me this long to get a quarterback?

7 (75) WR Isaac Bruce - Had him last year in the USFLaPa. TD's plummeted. Will probably be my swing guy, as Holt's become the man in the Rams' passing game now.

8 (86) Baltimore DEF - YES. This pick started the run on defenses and...

9 (95) K David Akers - ...kickers. I got the best one in the league. Yes, I AM biased. What of it?

10 (106) TE Jason Witten - Ew. A COWBOY. I feel so... dirty. A guy I don't know a whole lot about.

11 (115) QB Trent Green - Not a big fan of the Chiefs' receivers, but Priest and Tony catching the ball more than make up for things.

12 (126) RB Emmitt Smith - Starting again ('cause Shipp's also hurt)

13 (135) WR Reggie Wayne - Marvin's running mate became dangerous last season. Maybe he'll be my swing guy instead.

14 (146) RB Jerome Bettis - You're kidding me, right?

15 (155) TE L.J. Smith - Has good TE speed downfield. May start.

16 (166) New Orleans DEF - Negro, please.

I can't complain TOO much. There's no way I would've taken Boldin in the fourth round ahead of a QB had I been there. Getting the Ravens' D first was a coup as long as the Madden curse doesn't kick in. Right now, I'm satisfied.

But First...

The funniest thing I've read in weeks

Into the Aftermath

Hi. I'm Matt Spaulding. And my governor just outed himself.

So I went back home today to sort out my finances from the lost checkbook fiasco. And it has become a fiasco. They somehow got my landlord's address on my new account and explained it away by... I don't know what the hell they were saying, honestly. And now my ATM card won't access the new account. So I'll have to deal with that as well.

Anyway, remember the "disaster at the house" I refer to at the end there? What happened was the toilet in the upstairs bathroom overflowed and flooded out, basically, the whole center of the house. It set off the alarm in the garage and shorted it out. Nobody was home when it happened, and the cops showed up two different times. When my mom finally got home, she saw what had happened and immediately caled Dad, and they spent that night cleaning up water from the top floor all the way down to the basement.

That was the beginning of June. There is currently no carpet upstairs or in the basement. The kitchen lights are being replaced, and the water seeped into the wall of the stairwell going down to the basement, and they had to cut into it and replace the sheet rock. Basically, the house is still a mess.

And I haven't even looked at my Squared Circle League fantasy team yet. I missed the draft to do this. I'll get to that tomorrow.

Dead Dryer Office, Day 4: The Pimp's Irony

So here's the latest: The guy showed up yesterday (after I had to call and remind him) and took a look at things. They'll need to order a new part, and in the meantime I can use pliers - very carefully - to work the switch. The switch itself is fine; the dryer will still work, but if I'm not careful, I could damage that, too.

Information that would've been useful to me THE DAY BEFORE.

The other drawback to this situation is something I hadn't anticipated, but will make perfect sense after I explain it; this whole episode has clearly gotten my unimpressive-yet-constantly-evolving mack game on tilt.

Wednesday I went to the laundromat because, you'll remember, no dry socks. I should point out here that I'm pretty sure I've never been to a laundromat before in my life. I was surprised at how bland it was. You'd think there'd be more color what with there being clothes washed there and all. But it's really a gray, depressing place. General Hospital was on. At least I think it was General Hospital. That still comes on at 3, right?

Anyway, my point. I tossed my stuff in the dryer and bounced over to a little gift shop next door. I was in there to get a bottle of water (99 cents there as opposed to $1.25 from the machine in the laundromat) and I'm browsing past the candles and stuff when I spot this blonde out of the corner of my eye.

Okay, "I was blinded by this blonde" is more accurate. Dirty blonde hair, light blue cross-neck tank top (with matching bra. What? The straps were right out there) and a little micro mini with "CHAMP" written on the back. Guys, this was Anna Kournikova with a rack. There's no other way to say it. By herself, buying party supplies, no visible claiming jewelry, nothing.

What do I do? Nothing.

I might have tried to say something funny to break the ice if I was in a better mood. But one thing I have learned is that you have to be in a positive frame of mind, or at least just have a "WTF?" attitude about the whole thing. I was neither. Now, I could have tried to play it cool, but women see through those things. It IS a little like poker; if you're on tilt, if you're not OK mentally, your game will suffer.

(The other problem you run into, especially down here at this time of year, is the whole age thing. This is really a whole other post, but I swear girls are maturing and developing even earlier now. And it keeps happening at earlier and earlier ages. It's extremely dangerous. I'm at the point now where I almost can't tell anymore. You really do have to err on the side of caution, I think. Lord knows we don't need any more Dupins walking around.)

See, I was in the mood I was in because I was at the freakin' laundromat.

Of course, if I didn't need to go to the laundromat, I wouldn't have seen her in the first place.

How do you like them apples?

Bad Things, Man... Bad Things

OK, it must just be something about this time of year that causes this shit.

Yesterday I did a load of whites and I put them in the dryer and turned it on... only for the knob to snap off in my hand. I'm standing there with this blank look on my face and a knob from a dryer in my hand. Can you imagine what that looks like?

So I get on the phone with my landlord and we brainstorm, trying to think of who specifically to call to get it fixed. He says he'll get back to me. In the meantime, I've got a basket full of wet clothes, and I'm out of socks.

But of course, that wasn't enough.

Today I lost my checkbook.

I have no idea how this happened. Nobody broke in; I was off all last week and therefore out of the house even less often than usual; I never leave the house with it (and, in fact, would support legislation banning the use of paper checks as payment in public places); I'm utterly clueless as to how this happened. The only thing I can think of is that I accidentally threw it out when I cleaned the apartment last week.

So I call the bank, and after getting disconnected once, I get through. They freeze my account, and I have to go and open a new one and get new checks and all of that chewy goodness.

The worst part about it is I now have to ask my parents for money so I can cover my bills this month. I swore I would never allow myself to end up in that position. So much for that.

At this rate, I won't have to worry about turning 30. I'll be fucking dead by the weekend.

Legitimate Questions

1. What is it with poker and guys named Phil? There's Phil Gordon, Phil Hellmuth, Phil Ivey, Phil Laak...

2. What's the fingernail situation in the WNBA?

3. If Butch should meet Jessica Alba this weekend, will we ever see him again? (After - assuming? - he tells us about it.)

Trotting On Back

MLB Trotter returns to Eagles

Jeremiah Trotter's had a strange career.

Ray Rhodes drafted him in 1998, his final year as coach, talked him up incessantly during camp... then never played him. I mean NEVER. I don't remember who the starting middle linebacker was - for some reason James Willis's name is rattling around in my head - but you'd have thought this guy was Singletary for Trotter not to be playing.

The next year, Reid came abuard, and the Eagles drafted Barry Gardner, also a middle linebacker, in the second round, mostly because they didn't know what they had with Trotter 'cause he never saw the field his rookie season. Well, Trotter ended up living up to expectations. Big, fast, smart, liked to hit people. That's what you want out of a middle linebacker.

Two Pro Bowls later, the Eagles put the franchise tag on him. Some bad things happened. Things were said, the kinds of things you regret, and the Eagles tired of it and lifted the franchise tag. Soon, Trotter was off to the Redskins as part of one of Daniel Snyder's blind spending sprees.

Didn't work out so well. There wasn't a major dropoff in his numbers, but he wasn't the same player, especially after he blew out his knee in 2002. Needing cap space (SHOCK!), the Redskins cut him on June 1.

So he's back, ostensibly to help the Eagles' run defense, which took a dive after he left. Some of that was due to his departure, yes. But another factor - and one that I'm annoyed nobody else (including, by the way, the Eagles themselves) ever addressed was that they had four defensive linemen get hurt last season, among them their best run stoppers.

The lesson? People in need do unexpected things.

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Also, Lista Caliente update.