Wednesday, February 12, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Throwback Throwdown

Wait, "Bittersweet Symphony"? These pre-game musical selections already have my head spinning.


Please, please take the over on the length of the National Anthem. That was fun. Note: That "Coin Toss" graphic is not actually ON the field.


No one knows how to take a knee on a kickoff return anymore. What caused THAT? Moreno just fell on it.







Harvin! Oh, he stepped on the sideline and he knows it. Fun fact: The tight end Wilson just overthrew — Zach Miller — is the highest-paid Seahawk. This replay angle looks like Wilson got there.


Wait, is that the Ian Rappaport from the NFL Network? God, I hope not.


Wait, that was a car commercial? I was expecting a movie. And since when does Maserati even advertise? That's why I hate challenging spots. Then there's a false start. That Silverado commercial had both way too much subtext and way too much actual text. Chancellor made that hit look effortless. It's weird seeing Aaron Paul with a full head of hair. The Seahawks keep converting these third downs. CHICANERY! Doesn't rule in that case. That's not grounding?


I mean, that's intentional grounding if it's anything. It's certainly not a fumble.


Avril was right in Peyton's face there. That's the difference... PRESSURE. The Patriots never laid a finger on Peyton and you'll remember he had one of the best games ever against them.






Yeah, that's pass interference. Touchdown Lynch. Why is Chancellor on the kickoff team? Seems strange.




The Broncos are throwing a lot of short passes. I mean, very short. They're not running the ball at all, either. There's a deep pass. Another interception! There's Avril again; that time he got Peyton on the arm and knocked that pass into orbit. Remember Malcolm Smith? The guy who made the game-sealing interception two weeks ago? He's making sure you know who he is now.




A fumble on the kickoff? Oh no. Oh, they're overturning it? Yeah, he's down. That could have ended the game right there.




I mean, I understand why they're doing it now, but how many times have the Broncos run the ball so far? Three? Four?



Can you try a field goal here? I don't know. I might consider it but whatever.




Meanwhile, Toyota's got Jan breaking the fourth wall.

Wait, is Bruno doing his own drumming? That's pretty good. I only know the one song of his that everybody loves, so I'm interested to see how this turns out. And of course he leads with it.

The band really does add a lot to the act. The sound in here isn't the greatest — I didn't realize he was doing "Shout" until he started bringing it back up. That's a fantastic transition even though it was telegraphed. Who's the Peppers' guitarist these days?

LEON SANDCASTLE PART 2.

A pooch kick? CHRIST ON WHEELS. Guys, the Seahawks played in the last lousy Super Bowl we had, and this one just ended.


How many sideline reporters does FOX have for this game? What was that? God bless you, Sarah McLachlan. Demariyus may have gotten away with OPI there. This punt is a white flag.

Lynch almost broke that, not that it matters. The one thing the Broncos can say is that they've largely kept Lynch in check. The rest of it, though. I mean... at least by punting they flipped the field? I don't know. I'm grasping at straws here. Clean strip by Maxwell and Malcolm Smith is trying to win the MVP award.








Kearse just ran through four guys to score and the Broncos look like they've quit. Bob Dylan? Really?

Why is Troy referencing a preseason game? It's so bad I'm not even noticing the Broncos are driving again. Also because they've all ended badly. Except for this one. Nice catch. So both teams have hit 8 points in this game.

Apparently Chris Pine is too big for these Star Trek xFinity ads. I keep forgetting Lynch actually has a backup. This probably won't count. There's another third down conversion. And Baldwin joins the scoring party. That Radio Shack 80's ad turned out to be the most appropriate Super Bowl ad ever because this game is straight out of the 80's, right through the Broncos being on the business end of the ass-kicking. Avril almost picked that off. Thomas hit Sherman in the back. Wait, when did Thurmond go down? Did I miss a play?

Let's talk about this Seahawks team for a minute. It is PACKED FULL of guys nobody else wanted. Harvin and Lynch were first-round picked who were dumped by the teams that drafted them. A punter was drafted before Russell Wilson. They grabbed two guys — Sherman and Baldwin — that now-49ers coach Jim Harbaugh coached at Stanford. Their highest-paid player, again, is ZACH MILLER.

SodaStream seems below Scarlett Johansson. Maybe it's me. So those were spots for the new 24 miniseries. The last one looked like a Battlefield/COD commercial (which I still struggle to tell apart). Man, Eli looks sadder than Peyton does.


Tarvaris Jackson LIVES! I'm not sure I would have let him throw a pass, though. I don't know why Peyton's still out there. No one had this outcome. No one.





Marcus Allen? It's an AFC West BONANZA up in here! Al Davis is throwing up in his grave. Malcolm Smith's your MVP.

Howie Long makes a great point: The NFL now is SO offense-focused and offense-favored. For a defense to do this to an offense, especially THIS offense... holy crap. (Seahawks 43, Broncos 8)

FINAL RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Seattle (16-3) — Champions at last
2. San Francisco (14-5) — Oh, the agony
3. Denver (15-4) — Opening old wounds
4. Carolina (12-5) — Interesting times ahead

BOTTOM 4:
29. Oakland (4-12) — Can they finally start getting better?
30. Cleveland (4-12) — Just a complete mess of an organization
31. Houston (2-14) — New beginnings abound
32. Washington (3-13) — Could use some inspiration
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Sunday, February 2, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: A Ticket Punchers' Chance

I have to think that the move to change the start times of these games to 3 and 6:30 Eastern was, at least in part, for this very set of circumstances. You have to CATCH the snap, Peyton. That's better. That's two three-and-outs by the Patriots already.


I know I keep saying this but who are these jabronis Brady's throwing to? Uh-oh. Manning hit his groove. That's not pass interference? Way to not answer Nantz's question, Simms. It was kind of important.


Hey, a completion! That Ridley run was only the third that's been called so far. That still doesn't answer the question, Phil. Well, there it is, and it's by a guy who will never get the ball thrown to him again. Gotta call holding sometime.


Did the Broncos just give a backup tight end the ball on a RUNNING play? The Broncos have split Patriots defenders a few times already on this drive. Just finding holes and slipping through them. Did Peyton just say "Batman?" (Turns out it was "Fat man.") Moreno! DON'T FEED THE MACHINE, CBS GRAPHICS DEPARTMENT.


The Broncos won't risk a sneak here. Jebus, Peyton had at least three targets to choose from. Belichick going with the cap? Huh. Neither quarterback has faced any real pressure so far. Peyton is threading some needles on this two-minute drive. Why is Bon Jovi in Kraft's suite? That should have had a more successful ending. Wait, Peyton's 10 for his last 10? I  might have gone for it before the half if I'd known that. We're already talking about defensive fatigue, Simms? Though it should be noted that the Broncos got the ball to start the third quarter. Ball just plowed through the defense on that 3rd down run. Touchdown. Brady's all "I'm gonna have to do this myself again, aren't I?" The Patriots need this drive, and they probably need a touchdown. Everyone called time out there, apparently. The Patriots are still going for this. Aaaand that didn't work out so well. Knighton's been beating down fools all game and just got rewarded.


Julius Thomas just worked whoever was trying to cover him. Man, a touchdown would have ended it for sure. Although as badly as the Patriots are playing offensively, it might not matter. I mean, I didn't think they'd be able to score enough points but this is ridiculous.


How did Brady complete that? He was going down and lobbed it up there — I thought it had a better chance of getting intercepted. They needed that conversion. The overthrow followed by the touchdown to Edelman only underscores how not good Brady's been today. That's a big pickup from Peyton to Julius. But the one where he missed Demariyus could have ended it. Still, though. Uh-oh, Brady's doing that surgical thing. The Broncos are sitting back and the Patriots are killing them with underneath stuff. Brady could run for this. And he does! How do you fail to tackle Tom Brady, of all people? Just stand him up and wrap up. Not. Even. Close.


And that failed onside kick will put a wrap on this. Tamme! And that IS that. Hey, an Eli and Archie sighting! Also, John Fox's Revenge. (Broncos 26, Patriots 16)

Joe is PUMPED. Dr. Dre here to support his Beats clients. Stealing the "Crank It Up" box? The NASCAR people are gonna be PISSED. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL.


Giving up only three isn't the greatest thing here. Lynch got stuffed. That wasn't close either. That's why the fair catch signal was invented. You can't take that hit under any circumstances. Not sure how Reid didn't intercept that. It went off his hands! Kaepernick's running like he's playing the Packers. This is... I don't think he made it. Good thing these get reviewed. Nope. So what do the 49ers do? Run it back, that's what.
Wilson's getting chased all over this field.


Baldwin!! That may have been the miracle Greeny just referenced. The Seahawks are down enough receivers as it is — they better hope Baldwin's okay.


I don't like anything about this call. Not the call itself or the fact that the 49ers benefit from it.


Somehow, LaMichael James is back on this kickoff.


Whoa, Gore almost put that on the ground. Lynch is starting to find some holes. Like THAT one. That was the longest delay for an obvious touchdown ever.


I would have edited Cam's Play 60 commercial completely differently. They cut the best parts! Nice grab by Crabtree. Fumble! And the 49ers get lucky that their center ends up with it.


SO MUCH going on with that touchdown. First, Kaepernick was off the ground when he threw it. How did Earl Thomas not knock that down? Also, great concentration by Boldin there. Then Baldwin comes right back with a big kickoff return. The ones that are going the distance you can tell are going the distance. That one never looked like it but it was still huge.


The Seahawks cannot handle the 49ers' pressure. Taking out the punter? OK, that one's grounding.


They're gonna kick this? OK. That was disjointed. Now they're going for it? You can't ask for more than that. Free play and a touchdown!


Harbaugh is SOUR. Delay of game on San Francisco? That took longer than it normally does. FUMBLE! The Niners were due to lose one, too. Who's got this now? What all happened? Kearse didn't reach the end zone, Bowman has the ball on the replay, then gets hurt, and... loses it at some point? It's not reviewable because it was ruled that the Seahawks recovered. Oh man. And Pereira just said that who recovered it isn't reviewable, just whether it was a fumble or not. Oh, Bowman was down before he lost it? Wow. And now he's hurt? Oh God, his leg.


Now the Seahawks are going for it. FUMBLE! Well that worked out, I guess? I don't know. I tend to think not.




Kaepernick never should have thrown that pass. Just run straight ahead, Tate. Jebus. You've got the lead; you don't need to stop the clock. Converting that first down would have been preferable.


That wouldn't have worked anyway. How much time is left? Gore! Gotta play the man there, not the ball. Hey, a Vernon Davis sighting. Seahawks need to crank it up here. Tipped... INTERCEPTION! And there's where you play the ball. You KNOW Sherman loved doing that.









And we've got ourselves an old-school AFC West throwdown. See you in the urban jungle. (Seahawks 23, 49ers 17)

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By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Side Out


What's up with describing Brandi Carlile as a "Local recording artist" like they plucked her off the street or something? That's a terrible punt.  That hit's late. Also it caught Harvin in the helmet and we won't see him again until 2016. Seriously, when did Mark Ingram stop sucking? Damn it, Graham, you couldn't have done that last week?




Wilson got rid of it too fast. Hauschka sneaked that one through. Fumble? Fumble! There'll be no overturning that. Touchdown! And Lynch doesn't care who's trying to bear down on him. That looks like a good burger. Where do I get that? So are the Seahawks covering Graham with a tank or something? Who is Josh Hill and why is he being targeted? The left tackle did a good job of protecting Brees there despite the incompletion. That's more like it.


I think all that hit to Harvin did was piss him off. We're seeing a lot more of Robinson since Ingram's fumble. Good play by Wagner to knock that 4th down pass down. Did Brees not see him? Seriously, Lynch is all, "Y'all remember me, right?" That's a dangerous lob — WHOA! Nice catch by Harvin, who's the smallest guy out here. Not a good red zone sequence for the Seahawks. This is the longest kickoff setup ever. The Seahawks haven't changed their game at all. This is two weeks in a row where Brees hasn't played well in the first half. Bradshaw thinks it's the gloves? That's the best pass Brees has thrown all day. Running on 3rd and 9? Okay. That replay they just showed — that should be a fumble. Seahawks should have challenged.


I guess that's why Josh Hill is being targeted. Touchdown Saints, though it took some grinding at the end there.Amazingly this is a one-score game despite how thoroughly dominant the Seahawks have been. They have beaten down this Saints offense, along with poor execution and bad penalties like the one that wiped out that Stills catch. Robert Meachem... I don't know if he's a true bust but he's never really lived up to his first-round draft position.  But that catch he made is how Auburn beat Georgia. Why are the Saints trying this field goal? I know it's 4th and 15 but 48 yards INTO the wind? See? Wasn't even close. The best coach on the Saints sideline today has been Rob Ryan, and that's a thought I never dreamed I'd have.



VINTAGE BEAST MODE. That should wrap this up. Damn, Thomas isn't even trying to play off what happened to him there. Lot of "Don't get fired!" going on in the FOX booth right now. Wait, hang on here. Something's cooking. That OPI on Moore may have sunk this. Or not. First they've got to get the onside kick before anyone can worry about the fact that there's only 30 seconds left. They... got it? THE HELL IS COLSTON DOING? That's a fireable offense.

(Seahawks 23, Saints 15)

I still struggle with the idea that Allie LAFORCE is her real name. I suspect it's not. Anyone? More rain? Luck should never have thrown that ball. That happens a lot. Edelman's making $1M this year and he had the season the Patriots paid Danny Amendola big money to have. Speaking of Amendola, halfway through the first and he's still healthy — check your pool sheets. Did that skip off the ground? I guess not. This Pats' reinvention as a running team was absolutely necessary given all the inexperience at receiver and the... problems at tight end. Hilton's limping off? That's bad. Whoa! The Colts needed that. Their receivers have elevated their games since Reggie Wayne went out but they may need more than they can give now.
Good job by the Colts getting a field goal there after that — could have been disastrous otherwise.


High snap! Wait, that's a safety, what are they even discussing here? Unless there's a claim of an incomplete pass? Zoltan would not have screwed this up, by the way. The thing the punter should do there is just try to boot it out of the end zone.


Meanwhile, Luck was, er, blessed that that one wasn't intercepted. And cursed that that one was. Wait, Gostkowski punted that? Did Belichick bench the regular punter, too? I mean, we've seen Stevan Ridley tonight for the first time in five weeks. Oh, the punter's holding his shoulder? Nice route and catch by Hilton, losing Talib in the process. Uh oh, here come the Colts again. That was an unfortunate fizzle out. Amendola! Wait, what? That's a worse call than the one that screwed the Browns.


"Holder-challenged." Wow! Luck beats the blitz twice and just like that it's a seven-point game again.


Another big-time punt from Gostkowski. Who knew? This could add five years to his career. Man, Blount is SLOW. Brady's holding? Has he ever held? Maybe in his rookie year? Bad decision, Luck. That was double coverage before Collins (who's been huge tonight) swooped in. Well, that's that. I mean, these aren't the Chiefs. Why are the Colts punting on 4th and 1? Even Dierdorf's questioning it. Blount was faster there than he was on the touchdown run.





Oh, it was Lundquist. And Dick Enberg before him, too. (I couldn't remember who Dierdorf's partners were before Gumbel.) I much preferred his CBS work to his time on Monday Night Football, for the record. (Patriots 43, Colts 22)




I also support more instrumental anthems in general. That guy's a semi-regular anthem player at Eagles home games. Dude's a beast. Hold up. They called that a late hit? That wasn't as late as the one on Harvin yesterday. Then Kaepernick was lucky the next pass wasn't picked off. A wide receiver pass by Boldin? What? Did the 49ers see something?


This is really unimaginative play calling by Carolina here. Why not throw it or send Cam on a bootleg? Ted Ginn Jr. was a top-10 overall draft pick and this is really the only thing he excels at. Still, way to flip the field. That throw though. Cam placed it perfectly in the middle of good coverage. That long pass to Olsen on the next drive looked like it was headed for trouble, too. You know who else doesn't slide is Newton. The problem right now is that the Panthers' backs haven't done much so far and Newton's their best runner. WHAT. Why is Brooks running his mouth after he jumped OVER THE PANTHERS' OFFENSIVE LINE? That was amazing and terrible.

I think I'd normally want Rivera to go for it but what does he call that can work given what just happened.


Great leaping catch by Crabtree. And he jumped into Florence to get that pass interference call but whatever. Did Davis get that back foot down? That's the question. It may not matter now because Harbaugh had a heart attack and cost his team 15 yards. Well they're reviewing it. Pereira thinks it'll be a touchdown and the penalty will be enforced on the kickoff. He's right.


Boldin just embarrassed Munnerlyn on that one. What was that? Florence just flat out missed Kaepernick. I think that's what Harbaugh meant by "cranking" the chippiness up. Of course, the danger is in pissing the Panthers off.


This drive is taking a long time for something that doesn't seem to be progressing.


That didn't end well. Huh, hadn't seen the 49ers take too long to call a play yet until now. That's a backbreaker run by Gore and I'm not sure a field goal doesn't bury the Panthers here. That's a big penalty. And that bad throw by Cam probably ends it. That personal foul on 22 definitely does. (49ers 23, Panthers 10)

Yeah, that's a facemask. Couldn't tell at first. Figures, first time the Chargers actually cover someone and they miss an interception. Wait, the Chargers have used two timeouts already? Is Jim Harbaugh coaching?


Some physical running here by the Broncos at the end of this drive. And that's a touchdown. I think Thomas might have been down there. But I'm not sure enough to be confident in a reversal. Well, I've been wrong before. Rivers got crushed on that sack, which probably puts them Chargers in that no man's land where they might as well go for it. That kick never had a chance. Novak slipped? Seriously, the Broncos are really wearing the Chargers out with the run here. Another touchdown pass. How did Decker not break that punt return? Looks like the punter slipped chasing him down, too.


(I will refrain from making the Manti Te'o joke that eight million people have already made.) Can we get a dryer on that field? NICE pick by Butler in the end zone to kill the drive — that went off Decker's chest (and the coverage was good so he might not have caught it cleanly anyway).


Hey, Holliday's back and he almost broke that one. The Chargers are short on answers here. Man, Prater cut that CLOSE. I think the goalposts work the same way as the plane of the goal line where it just goes on forever. Hey, an Antonio Gates sighting. Hell, a Chargers FORWARD PASS sighting. I can count the number of things that have gone right for the Chargers on one hand. At least Scifres, their punter, is back. Good on the Chargers getting those run stops. Whoa, Prater doesn't miss but could you kind of see that coming the way his last attempt went?


The Punt, Pass and Kick kids are always a highlight. Cue the "Well, they switched to the no-huddle and it started working, so why didn't they do it sooner?" discussion. It's also interesting that Woodhead is the running back now, since he's the best pass catcher of the Chargers' backs and they've gotten nothing from Mathews. At least they won't get shut out. Wait, what's going on?


Man, Rivers is STAYING mad. And I can't blame him. Welker tripped and fell; that shouldn't be a flag on anybody. By the way, this is the guy who picked up the flag for no good reason at the end of Pats-Panthers, so. When's the last time a quarterback in this game lined up under center? Three straight Moreno runs and it's back to a 17-point lead. THAT was quick. Onside kick? Novak is working that tee like they're gonna do something. Chargers recover! Decker had it and let it get away from him. It is the Keenan Allen show out here now. Um... hang on here. Novak just kicked a field goal. They can't try another onside kick here, right? The probability of two in a row working isn't even on the board in Vegas, right? OK, they're kicking it deep. Smart. Good Lord. That coverage was so blown it was blown twice.

That Moreno run will sew this up.


(Broncos 24, Chargers 17)

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