I'm sorry, it turns out that THIS is the Seventh Sign of the Apocalypse.
My mistake.
Friday, August 27, 2004
Monday, August 23, 2004
Fantasy Draft Report, 2 of 2
Last year the Thread aPa~! Yahoo league did a brand extension, and last year the New Jersey Seagulls were the runners-up in the USFLaPa. This year we're in the other league, the XFLaPa. Picking 12th out of 14 teams, serpentine order, drawn about a month ago when Ska pulled names out of hats. No, REALLY. Again, I wasn't there to make my own picks Saturday night, as I had to work.
First pick was Johnny, who took Priest. One wonders how many leagues Priest WASN'T taken first in. Probably only San Diego-based ones.
1 (12) WR Marvin Harrison - See the tSC draft.
2 (17) WR Torry Holt - Took over as the main man on the outside of the Rams' passing offense last year. He's their main deep threat and should see the end zone a lot.
3 (40) WR Andre Johnson - ANOTHER wide receiver? Ah, crap. And Favre went with the next pick. Well, at least I'm set at the position with this emerging talent.
4 (45) RB Quentin Griffin - The starting running back job is up for grabs in Denver. Griffin did well in limited duty last year, and if nothing else, he'll proably at least be on return duty with Deltha O'Neal gone. Still, not a pick I would've made in person, especially with STEVE McNAIR still on the board. Damn you, Yahoo. Damn your SOUL.
5 (68) TE Kellen Winslow II - Big man, big mouth, but big-time potential.
6 (73) RB Emmitt Smith - What, AGAIN?
7 (96) QB Brad Johnson - Hmmm. On one hand, you won't get hurt by the interception with him. On the other hand, Keenan McCardell better get into camp soon.
8 (101) K David Akers - For the record, the run on kickers began at the beginning of the next round.
9 (124) Seattle DEF - Developing unit added veteran CB Bobby Taylor and rookie DT Marcus Tubbs. There wasn't a markedly better defense on the board at that point.
10 (129) WR Kevin Johnson - The Ravens settled for Kevin after the Terrell Owens situation. He's probably better than Travis Taylor, but I don't think he'll get the numbers he could.
11 (152) WR Quincy Morgan - Kevin's former Cleveland teammate. Good bench guy at this point only because I don't know who the Browns' No. 1 receiver is. Still, his numbers should go up now that there's a quarterback in Cleveland.
12 (157) QB Byron Leftwich - Oh, man. If he can build on the second half of last season, they'll have to arrest my ass for HIGHWAY ROBBERY.
13 (180) RB Larry Johnson - Will be lucky to get off the bench, in Kansas City OR here. Will be removed at the first available opportunity.
14 (185) Atlanta DEF - Yahoo? You're better than this. [/Kilborn] (Was dropped last week for TE Jim Kleinsasser.)
15 (208) K John Carney - Oooh, a backup kicker. And, to boot, the guy who blew the extra point after the Saints did their Cal impersonation last season. Won't last past the Eagles' bye week.
Yeah, this I'm not liking so much. If Griffin doesn't win the Denver job, I'm screwed at running back, but at least this year I know I could be screwed and have enough depth at WR that I can start actively looking for upgrades (Even Holt can be had for the right price.) Everything else is eh.
First pick was Johnny, who took Priest. One wonders how many leagues Priest WASN'T taken first in. Probably only San Diego-based ones.
1 (12) WR Marvin Harrison - See the tSC draft.
2 (17) WR Torry Holt - Took over as the main man on the outside of the Rams' passing offense last year. He's their main deep threat and should see the end zone a lot.
3 (40) WR Andre Johnson - ANOTHER wide receiver? Ah, crap. And Favre went with the next pick. Well, at least I'm set at the position with this emerging talent.
4 (45) RB Quentin Griffin - The starting running back job is up for grabs in Denver. Griffin did well in limited duty last year, and if nothing else, he'll proably at least be on return duty with Deltha O'Neal gone. Still, not a pick I would've made in person, especially with STEVE McNAIR still on the board. Damn you, Yahoo. Damn your SOUL.
5 (68) TE Kellen Winslow II - Big man, big mouth, but big-time potential.
6 (73) RB Emmitt Smith - What, AGAIN?
7 (96) QB Brad Johnson - Hmmm. On one hand, you won't get hurt by the interception with him. On the other hand, Keenan McCardell better get into camp soon.
8 (101) K David Akers - For the record, the run on kickers began at the beginning of the next round.
9 (124) Seattle DEF - Developing unit added veteran CB Bobby Taylor and rookie DT Marcus Tubbs. There wasn't a markedly better defense on the board at that point.
10 (129) WR Kevin Johnson - The Ravens settled for Kevin after the Terrell Owens situation. He's probably better than Travis Taylor, but I don't think he'll get the numbers he could.
11 (152) WR Quincy Morgan - Kevin's former Cleveland teammate. Good bench guy at this point only because I don't know who the Browns' No. 1 receiver is. Still, his numbers should go up now that there's a quarterback in Cleveland.
12 (157) QB Byron Leftwich - Oh, man. If he can build on the second half of last season, they'll have to arrest my ass for HIGHWAY ROBBERY.
13 (180) RB Larry Johnson - Will be lucky to get off the bench, in Kansas City OR here. Will be removed at the first available opportunity.
14 (185) Atlanta DEF - Yahoo? You're better than this. [/Kilborn] (Was dropped last week for TE Jim Kleinsasser.)
15 (208) K John Carney - Oooh, a backup kicker. And, to boot, the guy who blew the extra point after the Saints did their Cal impersonation last season. Won't last past the Eagles' bye week.
Yeah, this I'm not liking so much. If Griffin doesn't win the Denver job, I'm screwed at running back, but at least this year I know I could be screwed and have enough depth at WR that I can start actively looking for upgrades (Even Holt can be had for the right price.) Everything else is eh.
Sunday, August 22, 2004
30: The Ultimate Guest List
Yeah. yesterday was my birthday. We'll go into that later.
But how about this for an August 21 birthday party:
Wilt Chamberlain
Alicia Witt
Kim Cattrall
Carrie-Anne Moss
Barbara Moore (Miss December 1992)
Amy Fisher
Chris Schenkel
Nathan Jones (Yes, THAT one)
John Wetteland
Friz Freleng
Loretta Devine
Melvin Van Peebles
Kelis
Jim McMahon
(I think Kenny Rogers, also, but I can't find any confirmation of this)
OK... so to save money, the party will have to be held somewhere without windows, 'cause with that group, they'll all get broken in new and interesting ways.
But how about this for an August 21 birthday party:
Wilt Chamberlain
Alicia Witt
Kim Cattrall
Carrie-Anne Moss
Barbara Moore (Miss December 1992)
Amy Fisher
Chris Schenkel
Nathan Jones (Yes, THAT one)
John Wetteland
Friz Freleng
Loretta Devine
Melvin Van Peebles
Kelis
Jim McMahon
(I think Kenny Rogers, also, but I can't find any confirmation of this)
OK... so to save money, the party will have to be held somewhere without windows, 'cause with that group, they'll all get broken in new and interesting ways.
Saturday, August 14, 2004
Fantasy Draft Report, 1 of 2
That's right, TWO. Rob ran the tSC (plus Johnny) draft Thursday, and I've jumped leagues in the Thread aPa~! draft and am now in the XFLaPa. That draft's next Saturday.
Scenario: 10 teams. Yahoo. Serpentine order, randomized beforehand. Lineups are QB/3WR/2RB/WR-RB/K/DEF. I'm picking fifth/sixth. Rob led off (FIX!) with Priest. Dillon took Tomlinson second, Butch grabbed Portis (who singlehandedly saved my season last year) third, and Dupin got his boy Peyton (he's a Colts fan) at 4. I think only Spear and Johnny were actually there. You know why I wasn't.
1 (5) WR Marvin Harrison - That's right, bitches. The best wide receiver in the league despite what Keyshawn Johnson thinks.
2 (16) RB Stephen Davis. - A workhorse who doesn't need to be, and can get you touchdowns. I think Dillon auto-picked Ricky Williams in this round, shattering Spear's spirits. He was promptly waived.
3 (25) WR Terrell Owens - T.O.! The best part? When he says something stupid, IT WON'T MATTER.
4 (46) WR Anquan Boldin - I knew this would happen. Out 8 weeks after surgery and I take him in the fourth round. Still, the Cardinals will trail early and often, so when he comes back, it's on.
5 (55) RB Curtis Martin - A good second back at this point in his career. Slowing down a bit, but still one of the underrated players of this era, IMO.
6 (66) QB Brett Favre - Why did it take me this long to get a quarterback?
7 (75) WR Isaac Bruce - Had him last year in the USFLaPa. TD's plummeted. Will probably be my swing guy, as Holt's become the man in the Rams' passing game now.
8 (86) Baltimore DEF - YES. This pick started the run on defenses and...
9 (95) K David Akers - ...kickers. I got the best one in the league. Yes, I AM biased. What of it?
10 (106) TE Jason Witten - Ew. A COWBOY. I feel so... dirty. A guy I don't know a whole lot about.
11 (115) QB Trent Green - Not a big fan of the Chiefs' receivers, but Priest and Tony catching the ball more than make up for things.
12 (126) RB Emmitt Smith - Starting again ('cause Shipp's also hurt)
13 (135) WR Reggie Wayne - Marvin's running mate became dangerous last season. Maybe he'll be my swing guy instead.
14 (146) RB Jerome Bettis - You're kidding me, right?
15 (155) TE L.J. Smith - Has good TE speed downfield. May start.
16 (166) New Orleans DEF - Negro, please.
I can't complain TOO much. There's no way I would've taken Boldin in the fourth round ahead of a QB had I been there. Getting the Ravens' D first was a coup as long as the Madden curse doesn't kick in. Right now, I'm satisfied.
Scenario: 10 teams. Yahoo. Serpentine order, randomized beforehand. Lineups are QB/3WR/2RB/WR-RB/K/DEF. I'm picking fifth/sixth. Rob led off (FIX!) with Priest. Dillon took Tomlinson second, Butch grabbed Portis (who singlehandedly saved my season last year) third, and Dupin got his boy Peyton (he's a Colts fan) at 4. I think only Spear and Johnny were actually there. You know why I wasn't.
1 (5) WR Marvin Harrison - That's right, bitches. The best wide receiver in the league despite what Keyshawn Johnson thinks.
2 (16) RB Stephen Davis. - A workhorse who doesn't need to be, and can get you touchdowns. I think Dillon auto-picked Ricky Williams in this round, shattering Spear's spirits. He was promptly waived.
3 (25) WR Terrell Owens - T.O.! The best part? When he says something stupid, IT WON'T MATTER.
4 (46) WR Anquan Boldin - I knew this would happen. Out 8 weeks after surgery and I take him in the fourth round. Still, the Cardinals will trail early and often, so when he comes back, it's on.
5 (55) RB Curtis Martin - A good second back at this point in his career. Slowing down a bit, but still one of the underrated players of this era, IMO.
6 (66) QB Brett Favre - Why did it take me this long to get a quarterback?
7 (75) WR Isaac Bruce - Had him last year in the USFLaPa. TD's plummeted. Will probably be my swing guy, as Holt's become the man in the Rams' passing game now.
8 (86) Baltimore DEF - YES. This pick started the run on defenses and...
9 (95) K David Akers - ...kickers. I got the best one in the league. Yes, I AM biased. What of it?
10 (106) TE Jason Witten - Ew. A COWBOY. I feel so... dirty. A guy I don't know a whole lot about.
11 (115) QB Trent Green - Not a big fan of the Chiefs' receivers, but Priest and Tony catching the ball more than make up for things.
12 (126) RB Emmitt Smith - Starting again ('cause Shipp's also hurt)
13 (135) WR Reggie Wayne - Marvin's running mate became dangerous last season. Maybe he'll be my swing guy instead.
14 (146) RB Jerome Bettis - You're kidding me, right?
15 (155) TE L.J. Smith - Has good TE speed downfield. May start.
16 (166) New Orleans DEF - Negro, please.
I can't complain TOO much. There's no way I would've taken Boldin in the fourth round ahead of a QB had I been there. Getting the Ravens' D first was a coup as long as the Madden curse doesn't kick in. Right now, I'm satisfied.
Friday, August 13, 2004
Into the Aftermath
Hi. I'm Matt Spaulding. And my governor just outed himself.
So I went back home today to sort out my finances from the lost checkbook fiasco. And it has become a fiasco. They somehow got my landlord's address on my new account and explained it away by... I don't know what the hell they were saying, honestly. And now my ATM card won't access the new account. So I'll have to deal with that as well.
Anyway, remember the "disaster at the house" I refer to at the end there? What happened was the toilet in the upstairs bathroom overflowed and flooded out, basically, the whole center of the house. It set off the alarm in the garage and shorted it out. Nobody was home when it happened, and the cops showed up two different times. When my mom finally got home, she saw what had happened and immediately caled Dad, and they spent that night cleaning up water from the top floor all the way down to the basement.
That was the beginning of June. There is currently no carpet upstairs or in the basement. The kitchen lights are being replaced, and the water seeped into the wall of the stairwell going down to the basement, and they had to cut into it and replace the sheet rock. Basically, the house is still a mess.
And I haven't even looked at my Squared Circle League fantasy team yet. I missed the draft to do this. I'll get to that tomorrow.
So I went back home today to sort out my finances from the lost checkbook fiasco. And it has become a fiasco. They somehow got my landlord's address on my new account and explained it away by... I don't know what the hell they were saying, honestly. And now my ATM card won't access the new account. So I'll have to deal with that as well.
Anyway, remember the "disaster at the house" I refer to at the end there? What happened was the toilet in the upstairs bathroom overflowed and flooded out, basically, the whole center of the house. It set off the alarm in the garage and shorted it out. Nobody was home when it happened, and the cops showed up two different times. When my mom finally got home, she saw what had happened and immediately caled Dad, and they spent that night cleaning up water from the top floor all the way down to the basement.
That was the beginning of June. There is currently no carpet upstairs or in the basement. The kitchen lights are being replaced, and the water seeped into the wall of the stairwell going down to the basement, and they had to cut into it and replace the sheet rock. Basically, the house is still a mess.
And I haven't even looked at my Squared Circle League fantasy team yet. I missed the draft to do this. I'll get to that tomorrow.
Friday, August 6, 2004
Dead Dryer Office, Day 4: The Pimp's Irony
So here's the latest: The guy showed up yesterday (after I had to call and remind him) and took a look at things. They'll need to order a new part, and in the meantime I can use pliers - very carefully - to work the switch. The switch itself is fine; the dryer will still work, but if I'm not careful, I could damage that, too.
Information that would've been useful to me THE DAY BEFORE.
The other drawback to this situation is something I hadn't anticipated, but will make perfect sense after I explain it; this whole episode has clearly gotten my unimpressive-yet-constantly-evolving mack game on tilt.
Wednesday I went to the laundromat because, you'll remember, no dry socks. I should point out here that I'm pretty sure I've never been to a laundromat before in my life. I was surprised at how bland it was. You'd think there'd be more color what with there being clothes washed there and all. But it's really a gray, depressing place. General Hospital was on. At least I think it was General Hospital. That still comes on at 3, right?
Anyway, my point. I tossed my stuff in the dryer and bounced over to a little gift shop next door. I was in there to get a bottle of water (99 cents there as opposed to $1.25 from the machine in the laundromat) and I'm browsing past the candles and stuff when I spot this blonde out of the corner of my eye.
Okay, "I was blinded by this blonde" is more accurate. Dirty blonde hair, light blue cross-neck tank top (with matching bra. What? The straps were right out there) and a little micro mini with "CHAMP" written on the back. Guys, this was Anna Kournikova with a rack. There's no other way to say it. By herself, buying party supplies, no visible claiming jewelry, nothing.
What do I do? Nothing.
I might have tried to say something funny to break the ice if I was in a better mood. But one thing I have learned is that you have to be in a positive frame of mind, or at least just have a "WTF?" attitude about the whole thing. I was neither. Now, I could have tried to play it cool, but women see through those things. It IS a little like poker; if you're on tilt, if you're not OK mentally, your game will suffer.
(The other problem you run into, especially down here at this time of year, is the whole age thing. This is really a whole other post, but I swear girls are maturing and developing even earlier now. And it keeps happening at earlier and earlier ages. It's extremely dangerous. I'm at the point now where I almost can't tell anymore. You really do have to err on the side of caution, I think. Lord knows we don't need any more Dupins walking around.)
See, I was in the mood I was in because I was at the freakin' laundromat.
Of course, if I didn't need to go to the laundromat, I wouldn't have seen her in the first place.
How do you like them apples?
Information that would've been useful to me THE DAY BEFORE.
The other drawback to this situation is something I hadn't anticipated, but will make perfect sense after I explain it; this whole episode has clearly gotten my unimpressive-yet-constantly-evolving mack game on tilt.
Wednesday I went to the laundromat because, you'll remember, no dry socks. I should point out here that I'm pretty sure I've never been to a laundromat before in my life. I was surprised at how bland it was. You'd think there'd be more color what with there being clothes washed there and all. But it's really a gray, depressing place. General Hospital was on. At least I think it was General Hospital. That still comes on at 3, right?
Anyway, my point. I tossed my stuff in the dryer and bounced over to a little gift shop next door. I was in there to get a bottle of water (99 cents there as opposed to $1.25 from the machine in the laundromat) and I'm browsing past the candles and stuff when I spot this blonde out of the corner of my eye.
Okay, "I was blinded by this blonde" is more accurate. Dirty blonde hair, light blue cross-neck tank top (with matching bra. What? The straps were right out there) and a little micro mini with "CHAMP" written on the back. Guys, this was Anna Kournikova with a rack. There's no other way to say it. By herself, buying party supplies, no visible claiming jewelry, nothing.
What do I do? Nothing.
I might have tried to say something funny to break the ice if I was in a better mood. But one thing I have learned is that you have to be in a positive frame of mind, or at least just have a "WTF?" attitude about the whole thing. I was neither. Now, I could have tried to play it cool, but women see through those things. It IS a little like poker; if you're on tilt, if you're not OK mentally, your game will suffer.
(The other problem you run into, especially down here at this time of year, is the whole age thing. This is really a whole other post, but I swear girls are maturing and developing even earlier now. And it keeps happening at earlier and earlier ages. It's extremely dangerous. I'm at the point now where I almost can't tell anymore. You really do have to err on the side of caution, I think. Lord knows we don't need any more Dupins walking around.)
See, I was in the mood I was in because I was at the freakin' laundromat.
Of course, if I didn't need to go to the laundromat, I wouldn't have seen her in the first place.
How do you like them apples?
Tuesday, August 3, 2004
Bad Things, Man... Bad Things
OK, it must just be something about this time of year that causes this shit.
Yesterday I did a load of whites and I put them in the dryer and turned it on... only for the knob to snap off in my hand. I'm standing there with this blank look on my face and a knob from a dryer in my hand. Can you imagine what that looks like?
So I get on the phone with my landlord and we brainstorm, trying to think of who specifically to call to get it fixed. He says he'll get back to me. In the meantime, I've got a basket full of wet clothes, and I'm out of socks.
But of course, that wasn't enough.
Today I lost my checkbook.
I have no idea how this happened. Nobody broke in; I was off all last week and therefore out of the house even less often than usual; I never leave the house with it (and, in fact, would support legislation banning the use of paper checks as payment in public places); I'm utterly clueless as to how this happened. The only thing I can think of is that I accidentally threw it out when I cleaned the apartment last week.
So I call the bank, and after getting disconnected once, I get through. They freeze my account, and I have to go and open a new one and get new checks and all of that chewy goodness.
The worst part about it is I now have to ask my parents for money so I can cover my bills this month. I swore I would never allow myself to end up in that position. So much for that.
At this rate, I won't have to worry about turning 30. I'll be fucking dead by the weekend.
Yesterday I did a load of whites and I put them in the dryer and turned it on... only for the knob to snap off in my hand. I'm standing there with this blank look on my face and a knob from a dryer in my hand. Can you imagine what that looks like?
So I get on the phone with my landlord and we brainstorm, trying to think of who specifically to call to get it fixed. He says he'll get back to me. In the meantime, I've got a basket full of wet clothes, and I'm out of socks.
But of course, that wasn't enough.
Today I lost my checkbook.
I have no idea how this happened. Nobody broke in; I was off all last week and therefore out of the house even less often than usual; I never leave the house with it (and, in fact, would support legislation banning the use of paper checks as payment in public places); I'm utterly clueless as to how this happened. The only thing I can think of is that I accidentally threw it out when I cleaned the apartment last week.
So I call the bank, and after getting disconnected once, I get through. They freeze my account, and I have to go and open a new one and get new checks and all of that chewy goodness.
The worst part about it is I now have to ask my parents for money so I can cover my bills this month. I swore I would never allow myself to end up in that position. So much for that.
At this rate, I won't have to worry about turning 30. I'll be fucking dead by the weekend.
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