By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 10: Better Day Ahead

Signal Finder: CIN @ PIT, DET @ MIN, PHI @ SD, DAL @ GB (meaningless end), SEA @ AZ (another meaningless end)

Line of the Week: Maurice Jones-Drew apologizing to his fantasy owners. “I had myself today. So it was a tough call.” (Jaguars 24, Jets 22)

If the Lions are ever going to pick somebody off, this seems like the time it would happen. When did it become Mall of America Field? I just noticed that. There goes Peterson, making up for that fumble early. I vehemently disagree with the Vikings going for it here. Especially if you're going to give it to your backup tight end lined up as a fullback. Isn't that why you people pay Adrian Peterson? Speaking of “All Day”, there he goes aga- oops. He's got a thing about doing that. LOL at the giant Tarvaris Jackson poster on the stadium wall. The Vikings should really be winning by about 20; they've shot themselves in the foot on a couple of occasions. The fans can boo all they want; you can't launch yourself at the quarterback's head. You just can't. And it seems like the fans haven't stopped booing since then. Ten penalties? The Lions are one play away from tying this thing. They just can't get it. Nice coverage. I know he's only Jeff Dugan, but still. (Vikings 27, Lions 10)

All right, I somehow didn't know about the Steelers' struggles covering kick returns. No Benson? That could be a problem. I hope the Scott kid is up to the task because this is going to be a grinder. So Polamalu ended up taking himself out too? Wow. Still no more touchdowns. The Bengals' defense is playing like the Steelers, and the Steelers can't protect Ben or find the end zone. Why is Frostee Rucker getting interceptions? STILL no more touchdowns. I'm amazed the Bengals have gotten away with this for as long as they have. Get to know this defense. I've told you about the two cornerbacks but Robert Geathers is an underrated pass rusher and Dhani Jones is having his best year in about the last five. We've heard basically nothing from Mendenhall or Chad either. I don't believe that just happened but I guess I have to. (Bengals 18, Steelers 12)

Are the Broncos doing it again? (Redskins 27, Broncos 17)

The Eagles' back seven is in flux. Gocong at middle linebacker for the first time in about 10 years? A former Mr. Irrelevant as the dime corner? Speaking of defensive backs, we've been hearing about the Chargers' tall receivers all week and it continues to surprise me that cornerbacks haven't gotten taller as well in response. Who is that guy? Was he even listed in the starting lineup? This is not an optimal start to the proceedings. Something I've noticed the past two weeks is that the Eagles are doing an awful lot of running out of the shotgun. Last week was last week, Andy. You should have gone for the touchdown on fourth down there. What I think happens to Reid is that he gets gun-shy in these situations whenever one doesn't go his way and it lingers for a week or two. It's like how Vince Carter turns into a jump shooter for three weeks after one hard foul. Oh no. Another concussion? It's strange – the Eagles have taken Vincent Jackson out of the game but they've allowed LDT to just crush them. Has McCoy even gotten a carry in this game? Reggie Brown lives! I think not going for two on either fourth-quarter score was that gun-shyness manifesting itself again. Yet the Eagles still have a shot almost in spite of themselves. That is, until the defense failed yet again to get a stop. (Chargers 31, Eagles 23)

So the annual Romo meltdown starts in November this year? Is that it? (Packers 17, Cowboys 7)

Flex Game Prediction of the Week: Dec. 20; Vikings-Panthers out; Bengals-Chargers in.

Rivalry of the Decade, sure. Or just Game Of The Year Of The Month, I guess. It's actually a week late. Really. Hey, look, Laurence Maroney's contributing. Is that an Isaiah Stanback sighting? Great throw on the touchdown to Moss, though I do wonder why they're not picking on the Colts' corners. Uh-oh. Brady's going off now. I actually benched Dallas Clark this week in my fantasy league because I knew the Patriots would try to take him out of the game and they have. Nice job by Bethea to make up for getting beaten by Moss earlier. These are the two guys you'd least expect to throw effectively back-to-back interceptions. Laurence Maroney, ladies and gentlemen! It still stuns me that the Dolphins willingly gave Wes Welker to the Patriots. Hmmm. Didn't see the pass interference on Butler so I can't comment. I do know that these Colts are never to be counted out any more. Why did the Pats just burn two time outs inside of three minutes with the lead? Ohhhhh they just dodged a bullet – Powers had that picked off and dropped it. Wait... are they actually going for this? Oh my God. I don't agree with this at all. Especially if that's the play you come up with – you can't leave any margin for error in this situation. ZOMG THEY'RE OUT OF TIME OUTS AND CAN'T CHALLENGE. (Not that it would have been overturned.) That doesn't happen to them either. What is going on? You know what else that shows is that the Patriots can't run the ball. And of course, two plays later the Colts are at the 1. TOUCHDOWN! Nice save, Reggie. That almost took too much time. Here's two things I didn't know: 1) The Colts have won five of the last six games against the Patriots; 2) It's the first time Belichick's Patriots have had a 13-point lead in the fourth quarter and lost.

You want to know what I think. So here's what I think. I've seen the metrics; I've read about the probability analysis, and I still think going for it was bad for two reasons. First, the play they ran was atrocious. Every single route needed to be five yards. How many times did John Madden say it over the last 10 years – you don't run a pass pattern that doesn't get you past the first-down marker on third (or fourth) down. And the second thing is that there was no guarantee that the Patriots would have been able to run out the clock had they made it – the Colts still had a time out and the clock would have been stopped for the two-minute warning. And yet... the Barry Switzer decision was still worse because he did it twice. (Colts 35, Patriots 34)

I see the Browns have dragged the Ravens down into their own morass. Are they the worst football team in Ohio? Would Mount Union throw down on them? I want to know. The difference between this and Bengals-Steelers is that those offenses were at least trying. Oh, look, there's another nail in Willis McGahee's coffin. Brady Quinn's not good. But none of his teammates are, either. (Ravens 16, Browns 0)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (5-5, W1): It was a sluggish week league-wide, really. Beat Jet on the few points Josh Cribbs got me before he got soul-wrecked on the last play Monday night. But the Ronnie Brown injury has me in dire straits. Moves are being explored. Two games separate third place and 11^th.

JackSux 6 (8-2, W4): We're rolling along at 8-2 after beating Dupin's squad, who had a lot of guys have bad days and he didn't have a whole lot of other options.

Lincoln Continentals (8-2, W2): Looks like the cure for what ailed the Titans defense was whatever the Bills call an offense these days, as the unit somehow got me half my point total.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (9-0) – That was also a bit too close

2. Indianapolis (9-0) – They should really rejigger Eli's watch commercial and put Peyton in it instead

3. Minnesota (8-1) – Effective, if not impressive

4. Cincinnati (7-2) – Forging a new identity yet again

BOTTOM 4

29. Detroit (1-8) – At least there's something resembling hope here. These next three...

30. Buffalo (3-6) – How did this motley crew win three games?

31. Oakland (2-7) – Turning it over to a guy who couldn't make the Buccaneers' roster

32. Cleveland (1-8) – Would lose to Quinn's best Notre Dame team, and those teams weren't that great

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 9: The No-Cigar Zone

Signal Finder: BAL @ CIN, AZ @ CHI, GB @ TB (2^nd half), SD @ NYG

Maybe someday, Houston Texans. Maybe someday. (Colts 20, Texans 17)

Cardinals-Bears? WEAKSAUCE. Oh, you can't do that. Marino, later: “Maybe he oughta try hitting Kurt Warner instead.” Check out the Cardinals actually running the ball well here. Nice adjustment by Olsen on the first touchdown. Where were these Cardinals last week? This Bears defense is getting used and abused and Fitzgerald should be paying Charles Tillman tolls. Oh, I thought Fitzgerald had stepped into the end zone, not just swung the ball around the pylon. I didn't know the Cardinals had switched to a 3-4. That reverse to Breaston looked like it was doomed from the start. Anthony Becht lives! And this is officially a beatdown. LOL at Fitzgerald helping Tillman up. It's the least he could do, I suppose. (Cardinals 41, Bears 21)

You have to wonder how much of a difference coordinators really make because the Ravens' defense just isn't the same this year. They're cutting themselves to pieces with penalties on top of it too. That's not a good spot and... the Ravens are challenging it. They should win this one. Yep. That's the biggest gain they've made on offense today, I think. I told you last year that Hall and Joseph were the two best players on what was then a bad Bengals' defense, and the rest of the unit has caught up this year. (Bengals 17, Ravens 7)

I'm disappointed this wasn't the targeted curbstomping we usually get from Brady whenever someone disses him as pointedly as Joey Porter did. (Patriots 27, Dolphins 17)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That... Oh, Wait, You Didn't: Jaguars 24, Chiefs 21)

Creamsicles! Bucco Bruce! That was not an era worth celebrating. You really can't let a quarterback fake you out with a move like that. Did I hear that right? Rodgers has steel plates in his shoes? Forcing Smith to cut back inside on the kickoff return pretty much saved that one. I honestly have little recollection of Freeman playing in college and wasn't sure why he was so highly regarded but he's done some good things that I've seen. Hmmm. I think you go for it. I mean, you haven't won a game yet. Touchdown! And then the Packers don't bother covering Clayton on the two-point conversion afterward. You know who's bad is Daryn Colledge. I also didn't realize the Packers had lost seven of eight here. Jebus. Cadillac: “We won!” (Buccaneers 38, Packers 28)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Larry Johnson; 2. Tommie Harris; 3. DeAngelo Hall; 4. Charles Tillman; 5. Kris Brown

This is the first time Rivers and Eli have faced off, yes? That was... strange. Coughlin's all “What happened?” and he still might not know. It looked like Tynes hitched, then just stopped and nobody knew what to do next. The Giants are committing bad penalties like it's 2005. At least their defense is holding up. Did Smith even catch that? This is big. I'm also not sure the Giants know it wasn't a first down. That's an awful lot of time to put back on the clock. That didn't go well at all for the Chargers. Hey, Kevin Boss is back. Oh, that'll be that then. Wait, what? Why aren't the Giants going for the end zone? They blew an opportunity there – this game should be over. You know who's (finally) good is Vincent Jackson. Seriously, he's having a big year and he was much more open than he should have been. Lights Out, indeed. (Chargers 21, Giants 20)

100! If the Cowboys don't come out spitting fire and brimstone then they've got serious heart problems. Fokou? Oh, right, Gocong's out. I should have known that. You gotta catch that, Maclin. It's hard to throw a ball too high for Miles Austin to catch it but Romo's done it twice already. Oh, crap. Peters is hurt again? At least Herremans is back to slide over to left tackle. I liked McNabb's thoughtful pose in that “Under His Wings” graphic about the young guys. Now both teams appear to be having protection problems. Hobbs' reaction when he turned around and saw the flag was priceless. And by the way, thanks for that graphic about both of Reid's losses to the Cowboys in Philadelphia coming in prime time. The seams have been open all night, especially for the Cowboys. Wait, what? Oh, this is the same thing with Eli from the Giants game last year. Fokou's not having a good night. Wow, that was not a good throw by Romo. Peters didn't move! McNabb really should have gone somewhere else on the second pick – Maclin was too well-covered. Now we're getting into the drudgery. OK, looking at this replay, I don't see how McNabb didn't get that. Wow. That's gonna hurt. Well, you knew the Cowboys were going to try to find Austin again at some point. This is a much harder call than Al and Cris seem to believe it is. Fourth and 11, down 7, under six minutes left, and your only real choices are punting or a 52-yard field goal. That didn't look good and I'm surprised Akers made it. Well, that sucked. When's the last time the Eagles won on Sunday night? (Cowboys 20, Eagles 16)

Ty Law arriving on Friday and playing is oddly hilarious. Tirico: “We've been here longer than him.” And Ryan Clark is... not playing. Not that that's a surprise. That's the first interception Orton's thrown to a defensive back all year, believe it or not. Hey, it's the Broncos' other first-round pick. I'M MIKE WALLACE. And this just in: the Pittsburgh Steelers have scored an offensive touchdown again. Not surprised to see Parker get some run tonight – I imagine you have to rest everybody at altitude. That said, Mendenhall's pretty much earned his spot as the guy right now. Did Hines Ward just jump over Champ? He sure did. Well, that'll be that. (Steelers 28, Broncos 10)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (4-5, L3): Even after all these years, you still can't leave points on the bench against Sven. Even if they're Greg Olson's two garbage-time touchdowns in the second half of the Cardinals' blowout. I'd started Dallas Clark, who had 12 catches but didn't score on any of them, and I lost by seven.

Jacksux6 (7-2, W3): This is a welcome change – the running backs lead the way for once as both Turner and Addai score twice and get me 65 total points.

Lincoln Continentals (7-2, W1): And the same thing here as Mendenhall basically carries me. I'm in a five-way tie for first.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (8-0) – Broke Panthers' home hex

2. Indianapolis (8-0) – Just like last week, you gotta win games like that one

3. Minnesota (7-1) – How did Favre injure his groin on his week off? Wait, don't answer that...

4. (tie) New England (6-2) – Don't look now, but...

4. (tie) Denver (6-2) – Offense struggles for second straight week

BOTTOM 4

29. Detroit (1-7) – Johnny: “OK, THIS cracks me up: The Lions get spotted 17 points – AND STILL LOSE.”

30. Kansas City (1-7) – Tearing the rest of it down one brick at a time

31. Washington (2-6) – Hall's sideline throwdown most fight they've shown all year

32. Cleveland (1-7) – Didn't play, didn't notice the difference

Out and Back: Five Guys

The thing about the Internet is this: Word travels fast. Information and ideas fly around the world instantaneously. You can ask anybody anywhere about anything and somebody will be able to give you an answer or an opinion or whatever it is you're after. So that's how I first heard good things about Washington D.C.-based Five Guys Burgers and Fries.

But with all the speed of information comes a lot of hype. And hype gets especially magnified on the Internet, because everybody has an opinion about everything on and off the Internet. And you find yourself asking: Can it really be that good? Or that bad?

Enough of my babbling. Let's go eat!

If you can't go to the source, at least know where the source is.

There are bags of potatoes stacked on pallets when you walk in. I feel like it's a statement of some kind.

Time for my poison. Bacon cheeseburger with pickles, onions (diced, not grilled) and A-1. Now here's an important point: At Five Guys, every burger is automatically a double, with two patties instead of one, so you need to be prepared for that. The menu's very simple: burgers, hot dogs and fries. That's it. Five Guys can't be bothered with gimmicks.

Just like anywhere else, you place your order, then get your drinks, condiments, whatever. Then you can hang back and snack on some of these while you wait:



They used to put these on the tables in metal vessels, but now, at least at the one I go to, they stack boxes of peanuts on top of the trash cans with the paper trays and scoops.

Everything's open behind the counter so you can watch them work on the food. Sort of. The view isn't actually that great but you can hear and smell everything. When the burger's done, they wrap in it foil, dump the fries into a styrofoam cup (and toss some more in for good measure) and throw the whole thing into a brown paper bag. No frills, no fuss. OLD SCHOOL.

No, really. I don't love you just because of your looks.

Invariably, half of the fries - and that's no exaggeration - will fall out of the cup and end up at the bottom of the bag. They're cut from real potatoes, but they're not always crispy, though they're always tender on the inside.

"Look at it. LOOK AT MY BURGER!"

If only they used sliced onions instead of diced. Other than that, I haven't had a better burger that I didn't make myself and I'm not convinced I've made a better burger by myself. Just the right amount of juiciness, with a slight bit of char. Even with two patties, it's not hard to eat at all. I should point out that it's a bit pricey, but I'll pay it every time.

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 8: Shuffle and Repeat

Signal Finder: NYG @ PHI, MIN @ GB, OAK @ SD, CAR @ AZ (end)

I feel like I've seen this before. Different shade of blue, though. Leonard Weaver lives! I know I've seen this before. The extra point got blocked? It's an epidemic. That's the second week in a row where Jackson's somehow been left ridiculously wide open. How does that happen more than once? I also didn't realize that the Giants haven't had Ross all year in addition to Phillips being out. Meanwhile Eli's overthrowing people by 10 yards. Interception! This is getting ugly. Nice catch by Maclin.

Did we really need a shot of Brett Favre arriving at the stadium?

That's not a lateral. Oh, it wasn't even a fumble? Even better. That's why Jason Babin hasn't played all year. Just back away slowly next time. They're not gonna blow this, are they? Apparently not. Really? Down 23 and you're trying a 47-yard field goal? And not making it? One down, one to go. How YOU doin'? (Eagles 40, Giants 17)

FAKE FIELD GOAL! Hey, why not, right? Remember when we were talking about this game possibly being the end of the Lions' losing streak? (Rams 17, Lions 10)

Yeah, those are mostly boos. There are a few cheers, but... yeah. I also find it interesting that even though the Vikings came out as a team, he was last. At least the Packers getting the ball first gave the fans a break to catch their breath. Ahman Green? Really? I see Childress has learned his lessons from last week. But it doesn't work the second time! Even so, we've now reached the worst-case scenario for Packer fans – Brett Favre, as a Viking, in Lambeau, engineering a beatdown. You know who's good is Aaron Rodgers. You know who'd be better with a healthy offensive line is also Aaron Rodgers. One of my favorite things about sports has always been guys like Spencer Havner – a three-year practice-squadder and converted linebacker turning into a secret weapon. Uh-oh. We've seen the Vikings' defense let down like this at key points in games before. Friends, this is officially interesting. They are going to try to tackle Peterson, right? Oh, never mind. So is this story over finally? Please? (Vikings 38, Packers 26)

This just in: JaMarcus Russell has thrown another interception. No, really. Somewhere in Tennessee, Lane Kiffin is smoking a cigar and saying, “I told you so.” Butch: “The last time the Raiders beat the Chargers the successful Cyrus was Billy Ray.” I must confess: This game was on here but I watched maybe 45 seconds of it. (Chargers 24, Raiders 16)

This'll be interesting, sure, even though the Falcons' biggest problem on defense plays right into the Saints' hands. Or maybe because of that. You know, this also happened last week. Saints doin' what they do. Well, except for that. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I'm not sure how much attention Jeremy Shockey's revival is getting but it's important to note. That happened fast. So did that. This game isn't really over yet, y'know? I mean, it really isn't. It's going to end, right? Right? I'm not kidding; I turned to this after the baseball game ended and it was about midnight and there were still two minutes left. Onside kick! Did they get it? They got it! Did someone touch it? Oh, OK. Oh, look, a Darren Sharper interception. That's never happened before. (Saints 35, Falcons 27)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa (4-4, L2): A flat week all around as I lose to Nate by two points when a running game of any kind would have given me a win.

JackSux6 (6-2, W2): Ted Ginn's Bench-Riding Redemption indirectly helped me, as I got credited with the two return touchdowns for the Dolphins defense and special teams and beat Johnny – who had Chris Johnson – by seven.

Lincoln Continentals (6-2, L1): Did something unusual: forgot to set my lineup and ended up with two players on open weeks. It didn't matter, as I still lost by 56, but it's the principle of the thing.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (7-0) – Is 11 in the cards?

2. Indianapolis (7-0) – You gotta win games like that one

3. Minnesota (7-1) – Another hiccup, but they've survived so far

4. Denver (6-1) – This is the Broncos team we all feared we'd see

BOTTOM 4

29. Kansas City (1-6) – I mean, it's not like Larry Johnson's helping them or anything

30. Washington (2-5) – I think “I-23” is actually in their snap count

31. Tampa Bay (0-7) – Extra week of prep for Freeman

32. Cleveland (1-7) – Offense has been outscored by the Saints. ...DEFENSE.

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 7: Day of Destruction

Signal Finder: MIN @ PIT, NE vs. TB @ Wembley, ATL @ DAL, NO @ MIA (end)

Well, one longtime power got upset today; can another one be far behind? Um... no. I should really be having fish and chips while sitting through this. I'm disappointed in myself. Hey, a Josh Freeman sighting. Yeah, it looks like it's time. (Patriots 35, Buccaneers 7)

This is playing out the way it probably should be playing out so far. Aaaaaand the Vikings' defense is collapsing at the end of a half again. I'M MIKE WALLACE. As soon as he caught it I knew he was going in. Favre seems to be targeting Rice to the exclusion of all others. I don't love the play calling down here. You have the best back in the league; I think you have to run it at least twice. One play-action pass is fine, but two pass plays? Dubious. Rice didn't catch that? I thought he caught that. Oh, there we go. Wait, what? And it's LaMarr Woodley and six of his closest friends. I still haven't seen the play where the alleged tripping occurred so I won't pass judgment. It's not over, though – here comes Percy Harvin with the kickoff. And it's definitely not over after Mendenhall fumbled while trying to jump over one of his linemen. Harvin's shoulder's going to be a problem all season. Didn't we JUST see this? Yeah, that'll be that. You gotta catch that, Taylor. (Steelers 27, Vikings 17)

There's another aspect of the Browns' quarterback situation that no one seems to have brought up: Mangini inherited both of these guys and might not actually like either of them. (Packers 31, Browns 3)

Speaking of quarterbacks, looks like it's Round 2 for Alex Smith. (Texans 24, 49ers 21)

If I'm a Cowboys defender I think long and hard about trying to make a stop on third down sometime during this drive. Or... not. Whatever. It's mind-boggling how little they've gotten out of Roy Williams. I thought he was going to be better than Fitzgerald coming out of college and he's dropped two of the easiest catches ever. Seriously, PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Actually, that hadn't been a problem for the Falcons until today. Hey it's that Miles Austin guy again. He went to Monmouth? How about that. The Cowboys should be throwing down the field with the Falcons' pass defense issues. Boy, this turned around in a hurry. (Cowboys 37, Falcons 21)

The thing is, Cedric Benson has either forgotten or just doesn't realize that all the things he got bashed for while he was with the Bears... were true. And that's what makes this somehow even more compelling. We were trying to think of another player whose career improved after voluntarily joining the Bengals. The best we could do was Jon Kitna when he was the starter in Carson Palmer's rookie year. Also, Jay Cutler was bad today. But he wasn't playing defense. Although... (Bengals 45, Bears 10)

James Brown: “What is JaMarcus Russell missing?” The Rest Of The NFL Today Crew: start laughing And if “Bruce Gradkowski” is the answer, I don't want to know what the question is. (Jets 38, Raiders 0)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Bills 20, Panthers 9

So is Boldin playing or not? The visor's usually not a good sign. Oh, all right then. Is Wells really still going by 'Beanie'? Come on; you're a grown man and 'Chris' is a fine name. Um... OOPS. That certainly wasn't DRC's intent. Are the Cardinals ahead here? Wow. They've never had any real success in the Meadowlands (or anywhere, really.) I'm half-paying attention because of Game 6 but every time I look up the Cardinals have the ball. What happened to the Giants? I never thought they'd lose two in a row, and certainly not these two. And just as important: are the Cardinals, of all teams, trying to break the curse? They are back in first place. (Cardinals 24, Giants 17)

That's more like it. People were actually up in arms last week that the Eagles traded Brandon Gibson to get Witherspoon. Yes, really. I hope those two plays silenced their concerns. G-56! (Obligatory Bingo reference.) Did they forget to cover Jackson again? He was ridiculously open there. Oh, that's not good. I wasn't really paying attention at first and thought it was Westbrook's brother who was down because 'Brian' and 'Byron' sound ridiculously alike. Cooley's down? Wow. The Redskins' offense is basically dead now – he's their best player at this point. This is depressing to watch in a way. I mean, I didn't think the Redskins would be good this year, but I had no idea their offense would be this bad. Like the Raiders, they can play a little defense but they can't move the ball at all. It's one thing to hear about it, but quite another to see it. (Eagles 27, Redskins 17)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa (4-3, L1): A weird game from Drew Brees (Three interceptions? Two rushing touchdowns?) and Hines Ward and Willie Parker not even getting me a point combined led me to get stomped by 52 by Hijo Atomicoooo~! Fun fact: Two of my running backs have all but lost their starting jobs.

JackSux6 (5-2, W1): Halfway through the schedule and we're in first place by ourselves after beating the Lunatics in a first-place showdown.

Lincoln Continentals (6-1, W4): Welcome back, Wes Welker. Not that you really went anywhere, but still.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (6-0) – At halftime, I said, “They have the offense to come back” and they did

2. Indianapolis (6-0) – Seems like they're under the radar, which I'm sure they're OK with

3. Denver (6-0) – Players actually didn't want week off, and who can blame them?

4. Minnesota (6-1) – A slight tumble

BOTTOM 4

29. Washington (2-5) – Worse when you see it live

30. Tampa Bay (0-7) – Clearly not used to flying east

31. St. Louis (0-7) – At least they held Peyton under 300 yards. “LET'S BUILD ON THAT!”

32. Cleveland (1-6) – Not exactly swimming in options

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Listening to: Bitter:Sweet - The Mating Game
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 6: Lines of Demarcation

Signal Finder: BAL @ MIN, BUF @ NYJ, PHI @ OAK

So who's the Redskins' backup quarterback? It's still Todd Collins? Yeesh. (Chiefs 14, Redskins 6)

What's happened to the Ravens' defense? Seems like they've lost some teeth with Rex and Bart Scott leaving maybe. After sputtering at the start, the Ravens' offense is getting something going thanks to some random Vikings foolishness. This may actually be Favre's best game so far – I haven't seen a truly horrible throw yet. And now the Ravens are getting some big-time plays – Ray Rice seems to be putting nails into Willis McGahee's coffin by the week. We also learned on that play that there are only about six guys left in the league who can tackle. I mean, the Ravens aren't supposed to score points that quickly. Childress needs to be yelling at his defense, which has been embarrassed on three touchdown drives today. Jebus. Drive safely, everybody. Are you kidding me? That one never had a chance. (Vikings 33, Ravens 31)

The Lions in Lambeau? Yeah, whatever. (Packers 26, Lions 0)

I'm very upset that I didn't get to see this one. The really impressive stat from this game to me: the Giants didn't sack Brees once. They didn't even get close to him. And when a guy's got all day to throw and all those guys to throw to, you can't cover them all forever. That's just math. (Saints 48, Giants 27)

Russell drops back and that's a recipe for disaster. Although this one wasn't his fault. I just saw that, didn't I? Ouch! Murphy just took out two guys and Miller just followed the blocks all the way to the end zone. This is how it happens. The Raiders just got jobbed out of another touchdown – that wasn't pass interference at all. Winston Justice is looking at what's happening to King Dunlap and having flashbacks. You know who's good is Zach Miller. You know who's really good is Richard Seymour. How many more guys are the Eagles going to lose? How about that pigeon just chilling on the field? The Eagles are just getting punched in the mouth repeatedly, and yet I still feel like there's something big coming. You know that tension you feel when you're filling up a balloon and you feel like it's going to pop, but it doesn't? It's kind of like that. I mean, they'll win this game if they manage to score a touchdown. But that's not going to happen, is it. I also blame Antonio Pierce. I'm glad John Madden enjoyed this one. Because I didn't. (Raiders 13, Eagles 9)

I was going to say “Looks like the Jets came crashing back to Earth” but that'd be wildly inappropriate. I feel like nobody really wanted to win this game. (Bills 16, Jets 13, OT)

This... this... I think I used up all the words I had to describe this when it was happening every week two years ago. Driving in to work, I picked this game up on the radio just before halftime and the announcers were talking about how just about everyone on the Titans had made a crippling mistake. Then the punter shanked one off his foot and it went about six yards. Can the Pats take a knee to start the second half? Is anybody else watching at this point? Is there precedent for the away market to get switched to a different game? Because no one in Tennessee needs to see any more of this. Maybe Vince Young can play defense. (Patriots 59, Titans 0)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Any Tennessee Titan; 2-4. Jim Zorn; 5-15. A member of the Chargers' kick coverage units; 16. Dante Wesley (Seriously, you can't do that.)

Fisticuffs! You heard? And clearly the Broncos are still angry over their Week 17 chokeout here last year that led to everything that's happened. I'm not sure Royal was touched on that kickoff return. Were his feet inbounds? looks closer All right, I'll take it. Is this off a punt? You're kidding me, right? The Chargers should sign the pigeon from the Raiders game. Or just have Sproles try doing the same thing. I'm getting that same feeling again I had for the Eagles game where it could break at any moment. Wait, they called that a touchdown? I don't think so. I'd like to join the crow-eating hordes now, please. (Broncos 34, Chargers 23)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (4-2, W2): Brees is back, putting up 39 for the aPa Seagulls this week as we just held on to beat Scott by a little more than a point.

JackSux 6 (4-2, L1): Despite getting 32 from Wes Welker and having everyone score in double digits, I still lost because Russ got 36 from Moss and 26 from Hines Ward to beat me by seven.

Lincoln Continentals (5-1, W3): You tend to like your chances when you're playing a team with a baseball-related name.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (5-0) – Why, yes, this was a statement game. Why do you ask?

2. Indianapolis (5-0) – Recharging the batteries

3. Denver (6-0) – Anyone who saw this coming is LYING

4. Minnesota (6-0) – A little luck never hurts

BOTTOM 4

29. Washington (2-4) – Once-proud franchise now national punchline

30. Tampa Bay (0-6) – Lost to those guys

31. St. Louis (0-6) – Getting closer? Probably not

32. Cleveland (1-5) – You know it's bad when Rolling Stone is taking shots at you

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 5: The Worst of the Best

UFL notes: These are some of the worst color schemes I've ever seen. ... In case you were wondering, J.P. Losman still isn't all that good. ... Overtime rules: each team gets one possession, then it becomes sudden death. They're getting closer. ... How about Kordell Stewart as a sideline reporter interviewing Denzel Washington? That's about ten different streams crossing there. Also, Denzel will be the most famous person on any UFL field for at least three years.

Signal Finder: TB @ PHI, PIT @ DET (end), CLE @ BUF (end), NE @ DEN

Would this qualify as a trap game? I'm not sure because Andy's never lost this one. Besides, what would the trap be? Going to Oakland next week? Please. Welcome to the show, Mr. Maclin. I don't recognize any of these people playing for the Buccaneers. This Johnson guy's got a good arm on him. Too bad he doesn't have anyone besides the Soldier to catch balls. Sure, why not. You're 0-4 and going to suck all year probably. CAN WE GET A STOP ONE TIME. Oh, OK. What? Eh, if you say so. Let's go down and get the touchdown anyway. In addition to Al Davis, I'd also like to thank the Cleveland Browns for allowing us the services of Jeremy Maclin. Seriously, you don't think the Browns could've used him? Back to the present: how will the Bucs not score this time? Never mind. Where's the ball? OMG. The left tackle? This could get comedically disastrous. I think Samuel just bounced off him. Well, so much for that. The Eagles really are blitzing this kid like it's going out of style, and rightly so, probably. The Bucs have been getting killed by the big play all year, and today was no exception. (Eagles 33, Buccaneers 14)

Here's the thing: Normally when a key player's status is in question, there won't be a line on the game. Eli was listed as questionable all week and the Giants were still favored by 15. I don't expect Eli to be in very long. LOL at Boomer's “we're contractually obligated to show these highlights” line. (Giants 44, Raiders 7)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: It's like I'm looking at a bad team and a better version of the same bad team. If that makes any sense. Are the Chiefs actually ahead here? Cowboys fans have been talking up Miles Austin for about four years while the rest of us waited for him to actually do something. He'd become the Houston Texans of individual players. And he finally came through today. Though it should not have come to that. (Cowboys 26, Chiefs 20, OT)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Browns 6, Bills 3

Wait, are the Browns playing again? What are those things? They really are going all out with the AFL tribute thing, especially with the Patriots calling themselves “Boston” for this game. I do like the hat on that one Broncos' PR guy. That pass hit Welker right in the back. I just noticed that the Patriots have not scored since halftime. Brandon Marshall does it again! See, this is how you get paid. You see the benefits of shutting up and playing? Wow, Brady missed Moss big-time there. He's had bad games before just like everybody else, but I don't ever remember him being so inconsistent. Oooovertime. This isn't a lock. Well, now it is. So instead of a brief, awkward hug that would have been psychoanalyzed to death by the woefully under-qualifiedd, Belichick and McDaniels agreed to just give each other a courtesy wave afterwards, and now McDaniels is in the end zone doing his best Tiger Woods impression. What a bizarre game. (Broncos 20, Patriots 17, OT)

Seriously, it's high time for Vince Young, Round 2, isn't it? I mean, it's not Kerry Collins's fault, but this season's over. (Colts 31, Titans 9)

Hey, a Marc Anthony sighting. Gloria Estefan still looks good, by the way. Is that Ricky Williams going off? Edwards is playing? Interesting. Fake punt~~~~~ Okay, how do you fall for it the second time? Chad Henne is picking the Jets' defense apart, and that's not a sentence I expected to write this year. Nice catch by Edwards, who's fitting in well so far despite the fact that he's down at the 1 here. SPEED! Can't anybody here hold a lead? I'm sorry, that's not pass interference. This certainly isn't the game I was expecting to see. What's crazy about this is that the Ravens defense – which Rex was in charge of – completely squashed the Wildcat in their playoff game last year. Why is Rex still looking at the clock? TOUCHDOWN. (Dolphins 31, Jets 27)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (3-2, W1): Sure, Carson Palmer had a lousy game. But you know who didn't? Ronnie Brown. The Vikings' defense. And Andre Johnson (Desperation fourth-quarter touchdowns~~~~).

JackSux 6 (4-1, W1): That's better. Peyton basically only needed to show up for me to beat Rob. And he did – to the tune of three more touchdowns and over 41 points.

Lincoln Continentals (4-1, W2): Won again despite leaving 68 points on the bench in Ahmad Bradshaw and Glen Coffee, of all people.

RANKINGS:

TOP 4:

1. N.Y. Giants (5-0) – Big test next week

2. New Orleans (4-0) – Rested and ready for G-Men

3. Indianapolis (5-0) – Seriously, Peyton can't be stopped right now

4. Minnesota (5-0) – Favre might be right about his “best team ever” comment

BOTTOM 4:

29. Tampa Bay (0-5) – Things might get better eventually

30. Kansas City (0-5) – Had a chance, but just aren't good enough

31. St. Louis (0-5) – This... this is gonna take a while

32. Cleveland (0-5) – Clearly a seller's market