Friday, November 24, 2023

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Key Status

Dick Butkus's death was announced about 90 minutes ago. I'm not even kidding. The Bears... SCORE? On the opening drive? My God. Khalil Herbert breaks a big run. Bears add three more. Commanders doing absolutely nothing so far. Moore with another big catch. Fields gets away with intentional grounding. Touchdown Moore and it's 17-0. That's his second tonight. Howell throws up a deep ball that looks like it's getting intercepted, then goes through the receiver's hands instead. Slye puts the Commanders on the board. Howell gets picked off. Another good run by Herbert,who's averaging nine yards a carry. Touchdown Cole Kmet and this is a rout. 27-3 Bears with 26 seconds left in the half.

Touchdown Commanders? Sure. Logan Thomas gets dogpiled and the Bears rip the ball out of his hands. And Fields immediately gets sacked. Howell finds Antonio Gibson down the sideline. Howell avoids two sacks and gets 11 on third and 13, setting up... a field goal. Moore is cooking Emmanuel Forbes tonight. But he can't corral a third-down throw from Fields. Santos makes it 30-14. Howell finds Samuel on the run at the Bears 4, then finds him wide open in the back of the end zone. Two-point try fails miserably. This can't happen again, can it? Bears catch a break when this DPI flag is picked up. Howell finds McLaurin again on the next play. Pass goes through Gibson's hands and Slye misses right from 46. It was fourth and 15. TOUCHDOWN MOORE. Fuller tried to jump the route, whiffed, and that was that. Moore has 230 receiving yards tonight. Bears win for the first time in 15 games. (Bears 40, Commanders 20)

Turns out the Jaguars did spend the week. A sack fumble by AJ Espensa preserves the elevener at halftime, only it's 11-7 Jaguars.


Zay Jones fumbles and loses 15 yards before the ball rolls out of bounds, creating 4th and 29. Half of Allen's throws are too high for anyone. Still 11-7 after three. Lawrence fumbles again! Then Darius Williams gets his second interception in London in two weeks when he outjumps Diggs. That out to Ridley has been there all day. Jaguars should be running the ball more. Not like THAT. Bills keep losing defenders. Milano got carted off? I missed that, which explains a lot. Now Ed Oliver's down with cramps after a second straight Etienne run. Touchdown Etienne, who hits the Griddy afterwards. They went 93 yards. You kick this, right? Yeah. 18-7 with 7:44 left. Bills finally put together a drive. Not sure why you're running up the middle at this point with five minutes left down two scores. Josh Allen sacks Josh Allen, but their helmets collide and that's roughing. The quarterback is on his horse and finds Gabe Davis on the run for a touchdown. Eisen and Warner can't find the flag. Apparently there was OPI on Davis. So they go right back to him. This time the interference is on the defense and the touchdown counts. They go for two and Shakir's wide open, but Darius Williams comes flying in and stops him cold. 18-13 with 4:06 left. (It turns out the OPI was actually on Dalton Kincaid.) Lawrence goes deep for Ridley on third and 4 and he's got him for 32. Etienne goes left 35 yards for a touchdown and that'll do it, I think. Or not? Two big plays and the Bills are at the Jaguars' 3. Allen keeps it, gets stood up, but powers his way in. Onside kick gets some height, but Engram knocks it out of bounds. Don't field that punt! Luckily, the ball bounces out of bounds. Bills immediately try pitchy pitchy woo woo but there's nobody there. (Jaguars 25, Bills 20)

Signal Finder: BAL @ PIT, PHI @ LAR, KC @ MIN

"Chapter 59." More Justice Hill touchdowns. Brad Wing's back in the league after six years to replace the Steelers' injured punter. Bateman drops a touchdown on third down. Do the Steelers have a first down yet? They do now, thanks to Pickens. Steelers going up tempo, because they have to try something to wake this offense up. Pickett gets sacked by Arthur Maulet, who Eagle refers to as a former Steeler like anyone knows who he is. Hill fumbles and the Steelers recover at midfield. Boswell hits from 43. TJ plasters Lamar. Then Lamar finds Flowers for a first down with 54 seconds left. They pass up a field goal to go for it on 4th and 2, but Lamar gets flushed out of the pocket and overthrows Flowers. Davis says they should have called time out when the Steelers' defense shifted. Halftime. Steelers technically "win" this challenge and don't lose a time out because the fumble wasn't part of the initial call. But it's still first down Ravens. Sack is negated by a hold downfield. Agholor watches a deep ball go right through his hands. Promising Steelers drive ends with another sack. Steelers block the punt! That's probably a safety, and it is. That never had a chance. Warren's been so much better running the ball than Harris today it's not funny. He then loses two yards on first and goal. Pickens wants a flag on second down but doesn't get it. Boswell makes it 10-8. Steelers get a stop but fumble the punt return and it's Ravens ball! Announcers wonder if maybe his own teammate got run into him, knocking the ball free. Lamar makes a terrible throw and Joey Porter Jr. gets the pick in the end zone. Steelers now facing the bad end of TAFKA Heinz Field. But that won't matter because TOUCHDOWN GEORGE PICKENS! Two-point try fails and the Steelers are left with a hard 14. Highsmith forces a fumble and T.J. recovers!


Steelers taking knees even though the Ravens have two time outs. Mild "T.J. Watt" chant. Steelers kick a field goal with 52 seconds left, and Eagle notes that the penalty on third down stopped the clock. Watt sack ends it. A gross loss for the Ravens and an improbable win for the Steelers. (Steelers 17, Ravens 10)

A 102-yard pick six? How do you allow that?


Now Jones is out with a neck injury, which may be for the best, at least as far as today goes. (Dolphins 31, Giants 16)


This has been a beatdown. The Patriots may officially be bad. (Saints 34, Patriots 0)

It's weird getting the lead announce team in the late game of Regional Coverage. Lots of Eagles fans at SoFi. Goedert getting fed early. Hurts outruns a blitz, then keeps it and takes it to the Rams' 4. Touchdown Goedert as Hurts proverbially threads the needle. Kupp making his season debut today but it's Puka Nacua, who's come out of nowhere, who gets the first throw. There's Kupp on the second one. He gets another first down on third and 8. Eagles miss a sack but Stafford overthrows Nacua. Rams are going for it, and it's Kupp again. Slay or Bradberry is going to have to be on him at all times — that's too much to ask of the young kids. They go to Atwell and he's got a touchdown. Bad drop by A.J. Hurts overthrows Quez. Gainwell runs through a tackle and gets a first down after making himself Hurts's safety valve. Quarterback draw on third and 9? Sure, why not. Brotherly Shove on third down! Graphic shows the Eagles are 93% successful with it as opposed to everyone else at 81 percent.


Screen to Quez gets stuffed on third and 2. He probably should have cut inside. Field goal is good.

Two minute warning already? These 4:05 starts mess with my timing paradigms. There's Kupp again, and this one goes for 39. Nacua beats Bradberry for a touchdown. Hurts finds Brown for a big pickup, and that horse collar at the end will put the Eagles in the red zone. And now it'll be first and goal at the 1 as Brown gets interfered with. Rough last two plays for Kendrick. Burkhardt thinks it's shove time. They get it, going through like they're drilling for coal or something. Eagles lead 17-14 at halftime. Carter dumps Stafford for an 11-yard sack. Face mask gets called on Cunningham on a give-up run and I think the refs got that one wrong. Then they call intentional grounding for some reason. Big Goedert game. Hurts underthrows to the end zone and it's intercepted. Lamar did the same thing earlier. Nucua again, and Blankenship gets called for a horse collar. Morrow appears to get an interception off a deflection, but replay shows it hit the ground. Rams fumble, but they get it back, but it's fourth down. Eagles turn to the ground game. Hurts is such a tough, smart runner. Two guys who've been neutralized: Aaron Donald and Devonta Smith. Donald has never had a sack against the Eagles. Eagles are starting to get more pressure on Stafford. Reddick with back-to-back sacks to end it. Defense pitched a shutout in the second half. Proper. (Eagles 23, Rams 14)

It's the FIRST PLAY, Vikings! PROTECT THE FOOTBALL! Nice leaping catch by Gray. Touchdown Pacheco. Double corner blitz? OK, Chiefs. Vikings convert fourth and 5 by going to Jordan Addison. They get three out of it. Cousins misses Osborn in the end zone, throwing it right over his head. Field goal is good. Nantz and Romo rave about the stadium, then Chris Jones sacks Cousins. FAKE PUNT! They snap it to a side man, who hands it to the up man on a reverse! That's a new one. Touchdown Addison and the Vikings lead. Chiefs running their two-minute drill as Kelce hobbles off. Replay shows he just went down without being touched, which is rarely a good sign. Delay of game? Butker ties it at 13 as the half ends. Kelce back out to start the second half but his foot's wrapped in tape. Mahomes flicks it to Rice, who speeds into the end zone. Touchdown Kelce! Vikings come back with a touchdown catch by Addison. Vikings are out of time outs with nine minutes left. That won't come back to haunt them at ALL. Vikings driving again. Remember, they can't stop the clock. Flag comes down in the end zone and Sneed is stunned. Now the officials are discussing it, and they pick it up.


Steratore mentions "Catchability" which means that the pass being uncatchable — which this one was — is still a thing after all. (Chiefs 27, Vikings 20)

Russ gets caught from behind and fumbles! The Jets pick it up and that's gonna be a touchdown! Oh my God. Suck it, Payton.



(Jets 31, Broncos 21)

T.O. with a mini history lesson. Parsons was offside, negating a 49ers fumble and Cowboys recovery. You can trace Purdy's emergence directly to the acquisition of Christian McCaffrey. Lot of guys moving on this play and Purdy finds Kittle in the end zone. Nick Bosa gets to Dak. Warner forces a Pollard fumble, but did the 49ers recover inbounds? Why does NBC keep showing the same replay that doesn't show the actual recovery? Oh, there's a different angle. That looks clean. Call STANDS. 49ers ball. Then McCaffrey FUMBLES! Dak, if you have to pump fake twice, throw it away. DOUBLE REVERSE FLEA FLICKER. TOUCHDOWN KITTLE. It's so over.


Touchdown Turpin, who just outruns anyone who's covering him. McCaffrey runs tough, too. And there's his 14th straight game with a touchdown. Why is all the traffic on the Bay Bridge going in one direction? Oh man. Giants are reduced to having Thibodeaux in their "next week's preview" graphic. Warner chases Dak down and the Cowboys give up and head into halftime down 21-7. Hargrave stops a third down Cowboys run, forcing a field goal.

Offensive holding erases a big play to Aiyuk. Touchdown Kittle, his third of the night! Gipson picks off a Dak deep ball under pressure. Purdy's carving these dudes up. I think I may have been wrong about him. He finds Juzsczyk for a touchdown and it's 35-10 early in the fourth.
"
Dak throws to a covered Gallup, the pass is knocked away, and Warner comes up with the interception. Then Jordan Mason (Who?) runs free to the end zone. We're done here.

What do you mean, he's inactive? How do you not activate him for THIS game if only for the memes? At the very least, Dak should be out.

There's ANOTHER interception. Christ. (49ers 42, Cowboys 10)

Packers come out running without Aaron Jones. They line up to go for it but they can't draw the Raiders offside, so they take the five-yard delay of game penalty and punt. Anders Carlson (whose brother Daniel is the Raiders' kicker) puts the Packers on the board. Raiders try a running back pass with Jacobs but the Packers don't bite and Jacobs eats it. Garoppolo finds Meyers and he fights for a first down. They go to him again and he fights his way into the end zone. Love throws an interception which the Raiders turn into a Daniel Carlson field goal. The Raiders don't call time out after stopping the Packers on third down, for some reason. Meyers with a sliding catch, and that IS a catch. Garoppolo threads the needle to Meyers again. How that wasn't picked I'll never know. Now Savage is hurt.


Packers block Daniel Carlson's field goal to end the half. 10-3 Raiders. Where's Scott? Buck hosted Countdown and his wife Michelle Beisner's hosting halftime. Jack Eichel's here with the Stanley Cup. Hockey's back tomorrow night! What's with all the smoke? Rudy Ford picks off Garoppolo. Raiders can't tackle Dillon. All the way to the end zone. Garoppolo throws on the run and just misses a wide-open Michael Mayer.

Later, Love finds a wide-open Watson and he damn near scores. As it was, it went for 77 yards and then Marcus Peters did a horse-collar tackle on him. The Raiders hold them to a field goal. Good run by Jacobs. There's Adams finally. And there he is again to set up first and goal. Jacobs scores to open the fourth. Spillane gets his second interception of the night off a deflection by Marcus Peters. Watson wasn't anything close to open there. Garoppolo gets sacked on third and 3. He's not really helping matters. Someone on the Packers threw a block on a rusher that may have saved Love's life. The Packers don't have anything for Crosby. Raiders running clock. McDaniels chooses a 52-yard field goal, but it hits the upright and bounces out. This man doesn't know what he's doing. The only saving grace is that they're up four. Aikman: "Well, they'd better block 98." Buck: "That's your analysis?" Refs are looking at this catch by Patrick Taylor to see if he got a first down here. They overturn the call and give it to him. Don't know why the Packers are running the ball here with only one time out left. Love throws up a prayer and it's intercepted in the end zone! Oh boy. I don't know about this guy. (Raiders 17, Packers 13)

RANKINGS: TOP 4:
1. San Francisco (5-0) — A bit too easy, maybe
2. Philadelphia (5-0) — Marching on
3. Detroit (4-1) — Is this happening?
4. Kansas City (4-1) — Can't shake 'em
BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (1-4) — They... won?
30. New England (1-4) — Oh dear
31. N.Y. Giants (1-4) — Outrun by fish
32. Carolina (0-5) — This... was not their chance

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