Saturday, October 27, 2012

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: Dropping The Bar

This has the makings of a low-scoring affair. Like, one team may not crack double digits. I don't know why the 49ers are doing the same things that didn't help them against the Giants on Sunday against a better defense. Seriously, they got to the NFC title game last year by not relying on Alex Smith. Why change that? Meanwhile, the Seahawks keep literally letting opportunities slip through their fingers, which isn't smart considering you only get so many of those. Hey, a pass! Hey, a touchdown! Not sure I was expecting that after this game turned into a boxing match in the second half. That might do it, actually. Bad throw, rook. GORE! GORE! GORE! Bad throw, Alex. More Gore, of course. A quarterback draw? The 49ers must not think the Seahawks can get seven points, and frankly, they're probably right. That was a weird sequence with the challenge and then the Seahawks calling time for no apparent reason. The league's best punting is in the Bay Area. Wait, what, A flag? Chop block in the end zone for a safety?! Okay, what's going on? They're... measuring downfield? Harbaugh just took two points off the board and the line was 7.5!!!


Ladies and gentlemen, Jim Harbaugh just trolled Las Vegas. (49ers 13, Seahawks 6)

Signal Finder: WAS @ NYG, BAL @ HOU, TEN @ BUF (end), DAL @ CAR (end), NO @ TB (end), NYJ @ NE

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Every time I see Justin Tuck's facemask, I feel like I've never seen it before. It's uncanny how Shanahan finds these guys to just run for 100 yards whenever they feel like it. These defenses have not played well. 26 passes to five runs? Is Reid calling the Giants' plays? And now we're seeing some stupidity by both quarterbacks.


I know the Redskins have given the Giants problems recently, but how is this a game? Either JPP or the Gangnam Style dance just jumped the shark; I'm not sure which yet. The Redskins are now in the situation the Eagles put themselves in against the Steelers: you went for it back there, you might as well do it again. Man, Webster's been getting picked on even when they don't actually throw the ball. Wait, what? His knee may have been down. Oh, never mind. Seriously, Eli? That was terrible. And what's with the pitch to the tight end on third down, then kicking a field goal here? This division sucks. And now the Giants throw on first down with 5 minutes left? What is going ON up there?



Griffin just ran around for about two hours back there before that fourth down conversion. The pass was the easiest part. Are you kidding me? There's that Giants defense for you. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? There's that Redskins defense for you. I've grown to hate the salsa shimmy. It just looks stupid. Aaaand that'll be that. Those last two minutes were something. The six minutes before that were the complete opposite of that something. (Giants 27, Redskins 23)

The Ravens without their leader, the Texans coming off a nationally televised ass kicking... this may have been expected, but not to this extent. Joe Flacco played football like Joe Shlabotnik played football. The AFC is terrible so far. (Texans 43, Ravens 13)

Hasselbeck's TD pass to Washington happened at the same time as RG3's go-ahead pass, by the way. Also, Chris Johnson rose from the dead. (Titans 35, Bills 34)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close II:


Maybe it was sabotage. Or maybe the Cowboys legitimately aren't very good. I'm thinking both, actually. (Cowboys 19, Panthers 14)

Why bring the creamsicles back? They signify nothing but pain and misery. Of course, that may change if the Bucs can finish this drive and tie this game. Dallas Clark lives! What's gotten into Vincent Jackson? Touchdown! Wait, what? He was out of bounds? Oh, he was pushed out of bounds then came back in. Tough break. That's how the Bucs would lose back in the bad old days. (Saints 35, Buccaneers 28)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close III: So all the nice work the Jets did on that drive gets canceled out in 15 seconds. Covering Gronkowski would probably help. Sanchez on the safety: "Oh, crap, ball's loose in the end zone. I can't let them recover it; it'll be a touchdown. Should I just fall on it? I could just — oh, no, here comes Wilfork. If I fall on it, he'll fall on me, and I may die. I'll just get it out of here like it's an undisarmable bomb." That the Jets are only down six at halftime should raise eyebrows on both sides.


Again: Covering Gronkowski would probably help. Dustin Keller lives! This is a classic case of the resistible force overpowering the movable object. Stephen Hill just dropped first and goal. And Devin McCourty just fumbled away the Pats' lead. Terrible timing for Sanchez to get sacked and he was taking some heat in the chat room for not throwing it away, but he'd almost gotten away from Hightower and probably would have chucked it or taken off and run. Again: COVERING GRONKOWSKI WOULD PROBABLY HELP. What? Sanchez fell on that sack like he tripped over something. Ball's out! That's such a Jets way to lose. And if you're a Patriots fan, are you the least bit reassured right now? (Patriots 29, Jets 26, OT)


Matt Leinart: "You have got to be kidding me with this. I could outplay both of these clowns in my sleep. I've done it on Madden 13. I did it in Madden 12! IT SHOULD HAVE BEEN ME. I COULD HAVE SAVED YOU FROM THIS TORTURE. I WILL COME OVER THERE RIGHT NOW AND HUMILIATE BOTH OF YOU WITH ONE HAND TIED BEHIND MY BACK."
Carson Palmer: "Dude!"
Matt Leinart: "...that was out loud, wasn't it?"
Carson Palmer: "Just a little bit."
Matt Leinart: "...damn."
(Raiders 26, Jaguars 23, OT)

That Suh sack on Cutler looked weird but was perfectly legal. I don't know how Brandon Marshall or anyone else is saying something about a leg whip because there wasn't one. Jason Campbell not getting a starting gig baffles me — almost half the teams in the AFC would take him right now. The Lions are in trouble. (Bears 13, Lions 7)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Atlanta (6-0) — Could probably play better
2. Houston (6-1) — Short memories are crucial
3. Chicago (5-1) — Back to battering and bruising
4. San Francisco (5-2) — Should stick with the basics

BOTTOM 4:
29. Carolina (1-5) — Newton embroiled in controversy again
30. Jacksonville (1-5) — Could use a quarterback or two
31. Kansas City (1-5) — At least no more damage was done
32. Cleveland (1-6) — Maybe new ownership will help
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Friday, October 19, 2012

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Form and Dysfunction


And that bad decision was "trusting Shaun Suisham from 54 yards," which should be done approximately never. (Titans 26, Steelers 23)

Signal Finder: DET @ PHI, NE @ SEA, BUF @ AZ (end) NYG @ SF, MIN @ WAS (end)

Nice runback, Jacoby Jones. Now why did you bring it out from eight yards deep in the end zone in the first place? Felix Jones lives! Wasn't that the same play as the touchdown pass? And Dez caught that one and dropped this one? Wild. They got the onside kick! What in the name of... why would you throw a quick slant there? Why not go farther down the field? What is it lately with these coaches asking their kickers to try ridiculously long field goals? The Cowboys deserved this loss just for that. (Ravens 31, Cowboys 29)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Buccaneers 38, Chiefs 10

Somebody screwed up that snap and it wasn't Michael Vick. That's a big pass interference penalty. Touchdown. Seems like the Eagles have been running fewer screens since Vick took over. No Jason Peters is probably a factor there also. Security let Ricky Watters in? Wow. Eagles have come out with a good drive here. Celek needs to catch that. It occurs to me that that's the first time I've heard Calvin Johnson's name mentioned, and it's for arguing for a pass interference call after the ball was past him. Get up, LeSean. Please? Bryce Brown's done more to help the Eagles this year than Ronnie Brown did all of last year. And McCoy's back in. That's a forward pass. That's a touchy flag right there.


These field goals bug me. So apparently Cox punched the guy on the extra point and that's why he got tossed. Oh, Vick. That should have been a touchdown. Big stop on 3rd down there. Maclin! That's how you beat this team, and especially today when the running game hasn't worked at all. This game has suddenly gone completely off the rails, and it's coincided with Megatron finally getting on them. Tony Scheffler? Why is Tony Scheffler beating anyone deep? Nice three and out, guys. sarcasm Apparently this is what the Lions do these days. Overtime? Dear Lord. What are the new rules again? Not that it'll matter if that's how you're going to start. I've been a fan of this team for about 30 years, and people who have followed it in that time have seen a lot of bad offensive line play. This game has been among the worst I've ever seen. The Eagles are now punting from about their 7-yard line and this game could be over in five plays. Well, six if you count the actual kick. (Lions 26, Eagles 23, OT)


Apparently whatever happened to the Eagles' defense in the fourth quarter made its way to Philly from Cleveland, where it had finished humiliating the Bengals. How do you give up 34 points to that collection of stiffs? (Browns 34, Bengals 24)

It's a good thing for the Redskins that 1) Griffin broke off that big run at the end, and 2) regulation isn't five minutes longer. Because without both of those conditions, they probably lose. (Redskins 38, Vikings 26)

Let's go bigger picture here: Pete Carroll knows defense. He got his first NFL head coaching job off of knowing defense. If you lined up all the USC guys he sent to the NFL, offense on one side, defense on the other, the defensive players have been better pros by a mile. That's why Brady somehow got called for intentional grounding before the half. That's why he had to throw 58 times. That's why the Pats were 1-for-6 inside the red zone. That's not why Sidney Rice was able to burn the safety on what became the game-winning touchdown (the reason for that is that Bill Belichick and Scott Pioli relied on each other more then even they realized.) The Seahawks won this game the way the Patriots used to win this game. (Seahawks 24, Patriots 23)

That's such a Cardinals way to lose. (Bills 19, Cardinals 16, OT)


This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Alex Rodriguez; 2. Nick Swisher; 3. Dallas Reynolds; 4. Demetress Bell; 5. Philip Rivers

Ladies and gentlemen, the last 12 years of Chargers football, summed up in one game. (Broncos 35, Chargers 24)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Atlanta (6-0) - Just getting it done
2. Houston (5-1) - An inauspicious Sunday Night debut
3. Baltimore (5-1) - Defensive losses will hurt going forward
4. Chicago (4-1) - No points to be had here

BOTTOM 4:
29. Oakland (1-4) - Let a big win slip away
30. Jacksonville (1-4) - What's that in the distance? Oh, nothing
31. Cleveland (1-5) - At least they won't go 0-16
32. Kansas City (1-5) - Well, that went as expected

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Sunday, October 14, 2012

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: The Weekly Slog

This is a surprisingly crisp and pass-happy drive to start for the Rams. Also a successful one. And the Cardinals did a good job trying to counter but fell short. This could be interesting. Boy, this game's pace has slowed dramatically from what we saw at the start. Kolb's getting crushed out there. CRUSHED. Seriously, who's the Cardinals' other backup? Because he may not survive. Uh-oh, Amendola's down and he's not happy. This could complicate things. And now nothing's happening. It's become a punting contest. Well, at least the Rams can run the ball. I guess this would be a good time to say that given what the NFL wants to accomplish with al of these Thursday night games, concentrating on division matchups like this one is probably the best way to go. Because let's be honest: If this were, say, Chiefs-Buccaneers, absolutely nobody would be watching. At least a division game you can sell sort of. Oh, the Rams scored again. On a pass, no less. This one's over. And so is Ryan Williams. The Cardinals were trying to do what, exactly, at the end? (Rams 17, Cardinals 3)

Signal Finder: PHI @ PIT, CLE @ NYG, MIA @ CIN (end), GB @ IND (end), DEN @ NE

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: We are five minutes in and the Browns are up 14-0 and that weird stat about how they've beaten four straight reigning Super Bowl winners is popping up in everyone's heads. Weeden just gave that one away. Wow, he's not good. Biases aside, I'm not a fan of the salsa dance. This is escalating into what we expected. OK, there's no way that's legal. That's what I thought. And of course the next pass goes into double coverage and gets intercepted. Wait, Bradshaw has 200 yards?



Not good. Not good for anyone involved. (Giants 41, Browns 27)

Oh, we're already back to doing this, Mike? This wasn't going to be easy anyway despite the Steelers' lackluster start — they've still got too many guys who just know what they're doing, and some of them just got back. The Steelers don't look much better. This is awful. Simply awful. Vick can't hold on to the ball and the Steelers can't get out of their own way. Oh, and it looks like Polamalu reinjured himself.  The Eagles haven't gotten to Ben at all. They're not even getting pressure. Did Rodgers-Cromartie just throw Antonio Brown's shoe to the sideline? This is hard to watch even without a rooting interest. When did the Steelers turn into the Raiders with all of these penalties? And McCoy walks right in. This is... questionable. (And by "this", I mean the challenge, the spot, and the decision to go for it on 4th down.) Got it! Good second effort. Well, they went for it last time, so you'd think they'd have to here... and it works again! How... how does the same enterprise produce a first half like that and then a drive like this? It's baffling. That's at least the third one Wallace has let slip out of his hands. That's a big first down. Getting Mendenhall out of bounds will help, but not much. The Eagles simply cannot get a stop for some reason — that's another big first down. Of course, now I'm not sure why the Steelers aren't sitting on the clock more. Ah, there we go. This isn't a lock with the weather and Shaun Suisham's inherent untrustworthiness. Also, which end of the field is this? And there it is.



That was... disappointing. (Steelers 16, Eagles 14)

And now off to The House That Peyton Built AND WE HAVE A DEVELOPING SITUATION. Big run for the Packers by whoever that was. That didn't take long and it never does if it doesn't have to. The two-point attempt... does not succeed. All right, rook; here it is. Notice that Luck's only thrown to two guys: Wayne, who's been around for 13 years, and Fleener, who was Luck's tight end at Stanford. And I have to say it — this is why there was so much hype. That's the longest run by a Colts quarterback in about 25 years. Touchdown! Wayne is massive. Is this enough time for the Pack? It might be... ick. Crosby missed that like Gostkowski missed against the Cardinals. And suddenly the Packers have Cause For Concern. CHUCKSTRONG. (Colts 30, Packers 27)




(49ers 45, Bills 3)

So, this last drive by the Chargers... didn't we see this last Sunday night? Also, enjoy the record, Drew; Brady's literally right behind you. (Saints 31, Chargers 24)

That first Texans drive was masterful. I think J.J. Watt just blocked a Carmelo Anthony three-pointer. Sweet throw by Sanchez to... Jeff Cumberland? Should the fake punt have worked twice in three weeks? This is what film study's for. Maybe the Jets should try McKnight at wide receiver full-time. I'm serious. He clearly has big-play ability but he hasn't been able to do it consistently at running back, but he needs opportunities and Lord knows the Jets need to use everything they've got. Sanchez is bad, Greene is bad, the offensive line is bad. And here's a more "out-there" suggestion:



Meanwhile, if the Texans have a pronounced weakness, it's that their non-Andre Johnson wide receivers are pretty pedestrian. Owen Daniels becoming the Owen Daniels of a few years ago might help. I'm not even gonna be mad about the Jets punting from the Houston 40 with 9 1/2 minutes left. It was 4th and 15. You think they're getting 15 yards? Please. And now this is one of the most convoluted two-minute drills you will ever see. Say "Watt" again! SAY "WATT" AGAIN!!! Well, that's that. You know it's bad when you're claiming moral victories in front of live microphones. (Texans 23, Jets 17)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Houston (5-0) — Probably should have been easier than it was
2. Atlanta (5-0) — See above
3. San Francisco (4-1) — Once-inexplicable loss to Vikings suddenly doesn't look so bad
4. Baltimore (4-1) — Playing down to the competition on the road again, I see

BOTTOM 4:
29. Jacksonville (1-4) — Charles Tillman is still running
30. Buffalo (2-3) — Not getting remotely close to what they paid for
31. Cleveland (0-5) — Even the good bounces aren't good
32. Kansas City (1-4) — Hey Chiefs fans: You know the next man up is Brady Quinn, right?
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Friday, October 5, 2012

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Return to Sender

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together for the REAL NFL OFFICIALS! I predict this honeymoon ends in the first half. I'm not sure how much better Weeden looks tonight than he did in the opener, but he's gotten absolutely no help from his receivers, who were already the worst group in the league before Cribbs went down (on a clean hit, BTW). Despite that, this game remains uncomfortably close, even for a rivalry game. Let me note right off the bat how smoothly this game has been run. The officials are in control, they know the rules, they're not taking any more time than they need to, and they're not taking any crap from the players or coaches. Also, this rain. Well that lasted longer than I thought. "At least we're booing professionals." Tucker finally misses... and then Weeden gives the Ravens those points back and then some. These receivers are awful. I can't overstate this. And yet here they are with another chance after the roughing call and... no. (Ravens 23, Browns 16)

Signal Finder: SF @ NYJ, CAR @ ATL (end), NE @ BUF, NO @ GB

Watching Kaepernick on that quarterback pitch makes me realize I have no idea how fast Tebow can actually run. This Jets offense is ponderous. Where's the speed? Where's the talent? Where's the creativity? Honestly, at this point 17 might be enough. Wait, what? Holmes just went down and inexplicably flipped the ball into the air and it got returned for a touchdown. He's definitely hurt, but what happened there? And things get worse after the Jets fail to block one guy rushing a punt. (49ers 34, Jets 0)


Welcome to Atlanta, where the contest is actually competitive. I did not know those wrinkles in the "spotting the ball after a fumble" rules. Now what do the Panthers do? They may be at the spot on the field where going for it would be worth it - even if they don't get it, the Falcons will still need to get a first down before thinking about a field goal. Honestly, I can go either way on this. That's a good punt. That was immediately negated. From what little I've seen of this game the Falcons threw to that left side a lot. Then nobody on Carolina bothered covering Douglas. How do you not park a guy over there? Put it on the board. (Falcons 30, Panthers 28)

Pereira on the Sproles fumble on the kickoff (which McCarthy couldn't challenge because he wasted one in the first quarter)

Seriously, I don't think I'd ever use a challenge in the first half. Now that all scoring plays are reviewed, I'm not sure there's ever a need to. So here we go. The Saints will have to use every second on this clock to win this game because they're so bad defensively that the Packers only need about 30 seconds to score on them if they have to. That's definitely too much time. What? Offensive holding? So they'll kick it again. He missed? Wow. It is not the Saints' year. Also, I expected these scores to be higher. Maybe not West Virginia-Baylor high, but... somehow more than this. (Packers 28, Saints 27)

See, that's how the Eagles normally lose to the Cardinals. (Cardinals 24, Dolphins 21, OT)


(Redskins 24, Buccaneers 22)

Dawkins led them out of the tunnel! Awesome. Man, both of these defensive lines are just doing whatever they feel like. It's been said before: If the running game doesn't work early, Andy will abandon it at the drop of a hat. It's subtle, but noticeable: the Eagles have shortened their offense. Shorter dropbacks for Vick, shorter passes, shorter routes. And they're actually using McCoy in the passing game, because even if the running game isn't working they need to get the ball in his hands somehow. Meanwhile, they're still getting tons of pressure on Eli (but haven't sacked him yet) and the Giants' receivers seem to be jumping a lot to make catches. Remember what I said earlier about never using a challenge in the first half? I mean, I initially thought Jackson caught it, and they got the call right in the end, but still. The prospects of anyone scoring in the game remain quite low. Things seem to be shifting in the second quarter as both offensive lines have tightened up somewhat. I think Nnamdi got poked in the eye - it looks like they're giving him eye drops on the sideline. That was easy enough. Jackson left two guys behind on that one. Kickoff returns have kept the Giants in this thing. Hey, look, the Eagles can run the ball. Did Eli drop that snap? That was crazy.Nice pick, DRC. Now why did you run it out of the end zone? That graphic about McCoy running on the Giants in the fourth quarter is becoming prescient. The Giants have lost the ability to contain the run game. McCoy just turned the corner on Osi like nobody's business, and Vick's gotten some free runs tonight as well. And once again poor playcalling down by the goal line leaves points on the field. I'm not sure what it means that the two best cornerbacks on the field tonight have been Prince Amukamura and Brandon Hughes. I have a bad feeling about this. Are they going to pass interfere themselves to a loss? (Both were the right calls, BTW. You could justify the one on Rodgers-Cromartie being offsetting because his facemask did get grabbed.) And there's another flag. This is ridiculous. Wait, what? Offensive? Oh, well, yeah. The guy almost gave Asomugha a reverse bulldog. I don't know what Collinsworth's carping about; that's as blatant as it gets.


Now the Giants have to kick a 54-yard field goal., but Tynes hasn't missed all year. Oops. Hooked it! What? Time out?  Who- DEAR GOD ANDY WHAT ARE YOU DOING? And while I'm processing that, Coughlin decides to just kick it again and not try to get closer even though he has a down and time and Tynes already missed. Seriously, a five-yard out to the sideline and the Giants win. Oh, well, they'll probably win anyway.

HE MISSED AGAIN?!?!?!?



Just as I was thinking "Nothing insane has happened yet. That usually means a Giants win." Also, the only people who didn't completely botch that last drive... were the officials. Also also, look, Ma, no turnovers! And in my lifetime, of all of the crazy things that have happened in this rivalry, I think every single one of them has gone in the Eagles' favor. (Eagles 19, Giants 17)

This game is starting off like Eagles-Giants. Or, more dreadfully, Browns-Ravens. Or maybe I have those backwards? Whatever. Lot of Bears fans here tonight. Finally, some action. Dez Bryant isn't helping his own case (did he even see that?) and the Bears have bottled up the running game because the Cowboys' offensive line is bad. Way to salvage the first half there. And now it's all gone to hell. It's amazing how Romo's the one who's thrown four picks and Dez Bryant is arguably having a worse night. Wait, never mind.



Thanks for pitching in at the end, Orton! Yeah. The Bears made the Cowboys' offense look really bad tonight, which is quite a feat since it hasn't looked all that good except for the opener. (Bears 34, Cowboys 18)

RANKINGS

 TOP 4: 
1. Houston (4-0) - Taking care of business
2. Atlanta (4-0) - A few hiccups, but still unbeaten
3. San Francisco (3-1) - Repeating the formula
4. Baltimore (3-1) - Survived a few narrow escapes

BOTTOM 4:
29. Jacksonville (1-3) - Gabbert still isn't good
30. New Orleans (0-4) - Headed for disaster?
31. Cleveland (0-4) - Can't catch a break... or anything else, really
32. Kansas City (1-3) - You know it's bad when Brady Quinn's name is being mentioned


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