Tuesday, December 11, 2012

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 11: Breaking the Time Clock

Seriously. Don't even bother. There was a punt return for a touchdown and a kickoff return for a touchdown. And that's it. That was all that happened. Go watch the NBA doubleheader or something. (Bills 19, Dolphins 14)

Signal Finder: PHI @ WAS, NYJ @ STL (Really, Channel 3?), CLE @ DAL (end), IND @ NE


Barnwell, ever the diplomat, didn't say: "And also, your team stinks." Because he's said it before. Houston giving up that many yards and points to an offense that bad isn't what I'd call "sustainable". On the other hand, they're the first NFL team to score twice in overtime, so that's a fun thing they can use at the bar afterwards. (Texans 43, Jaguars 37, OT)

Aaaand the kid's off to a rollicking start. How do you get picked off by DeAngelo Hall in 2012? Hey, the Eagles' screen game is back! This drive's been going for a while and it doesn't seem to be accomplishing much. Well then. Two drives, two interceptions. If this game was in Philly they'd be chanting for Trent Edwards for the first time in Trent Edwards' career. The Redskins aren't doing much either and yet I don't like the Eagles' chances.


There seems to be something here with the short passes to McCoy. This drive stalling out is actually an improvement. It also ended in points, which is even better. That play action bomb blew up the Eagles' defense. I mean blew it up. As in a guy actually exploded. (The specific guy that exploded was the safety help that Asomugha was expecting that never materialized. Still, why is he running 10 yards parallel to the guy? Close  in already.) More end-of-the-first-half foolishness: The Redskins were lining up to go for it on 4th and short, got confused on the play call, the Eagles called time out, the Redskins punted into the end zone, then the Eagles ran the ball instead of taking a knee and fumbled, giving the Redskins three more points (and they kept a time out in their pocket). This is why both of these teams stink.



OK, Murphy's Law has officially set in for the Eagles' secondary. That was a stupid throw by Griffin and it went for a touchdown. Now what is this? 4th and 1 from the Eagles' 18 and the Redskins are going for it? Why you gotta be like that, Shanahan? You think you're losing this game? Please. Seriously, we can't find a guy off the street better than Kurt Coleman? Okay, unless something actually hilarious happens, I'm checking out. Why is Shanahan being such a dick? That's the pettiest challenge ever. Oh no. Why was McCoy still in the game to begin with? Ridiculous.



(Redskins 31, Eagles 6)

Matt Ryan is something like 30-4 at home when he starts for the Falcons. He threw five interceptions. The visiting team benched its quarterback after one quarter with a 13-point lead. The game was tied at halftime. The visiting team's vaunted defense allowed a team that has botched three notable late-game short-yardage situations in the last two years to score a 1-yard touchdown to win the game. The Arizona Cardinals are BACK, ladies and gentlemen! (Falcons 23, Cardinals 19)

You may want to sit down for this one. I just saw Mark Sanchez complete a touchdown pass. I know, I KNOW. I can barely believe it myself. And it came two plays after a turnover and one play after Dan Fouts was lamenting that teams don't go for big plays right after forcing a turnover any more. This game isn't much better, to be honest. I mean, the Jets are actually pulling away here — they haven't scored this many points since the opener. Why are the Rams going for two here? There's no difference between being down 13 and being down 12. Harmless idiocy there. Wow, this game sucked, too. (Jets 27, Rams 13)

And I'm sure that this game, despite the score, hasn't been any better. I mean, think about it: The Cowboys suck for letting the Browns build a 13-point lead, and the Browns suck for giving it up.


Terrible play call, terrible throw. There'll be a new coach in Cleveland next year, too. So what do you think the Cowboys did here? If you said, "Run into the line three times, gain two yards, punt to midfield and allow a 25-yard return", give yourself a gold star. Bonus points if you also predicted a penalty on said punt return that wasn't an illegal block in the back. That... might not be a horse collar. That's NOT a horse collar. He got the guy's hair. But still. TOUCHDOWN CLEVELAND. Please let this hold up; it would be the funniest result in years. Now the Cowboys are driving again with plenty of help from the Browns. Sheldon Brown was mugging Harris down there. This game should end in a tie but the Browns could easily blow it. Romo almost fumbled that one. Kick is good. This is the worst tied game ever.



The following is hilarious: Romo" "53's the MIKE." 53 (Craig Robertson): sacks Romo That's a good punt return. Is this even reviewable? Ed Hochuli just looked at that play before telling us it wasn't reviewable. Dierdorf: "You were under the hood, Ed." I thought Austin dropped this one. Obviously not. And the Browns choke it away.


(Cowboys 23, Browns 20, OT)

Now to actual football played by competent professionals. And as I say that Gostkowski pulls a Mason Crosby.


Nice runback by Edelman and poor tackling by the Colts. What the... and there's a bad throw by Luck and great runback by Talib.


The Patriots' superiority is just taking over now. That was too easy for Dennard. And there's another return for a touchdown. The Colts' tackling looks like... well, like most NFL teams' tackling, to be completely honest. Well, that's that. Also I had no idea Edelman looks like Zack Ryder when he was one of the Major Brothers. (Patriots 59, Colts 24)

Somehow they look worse at night. And the flesh-colored pants... oh my. Did they wear those the first time, too? Good thing they weren't televising the games back then. Who approved this? Both then and now. Who thought this was a good idea?



Oooh, taking a shot right out of the gate. That's not Steeler football. And neither is that. Heck, that isn't anything that should be allowed. I mean, Byron Leftwich runs like a long-lost Manning brother and he was making Ravens players miss.


I'm MIKE WALL- oops. Oh, look. The ball found Ed Reed again. It really is unbelievable how that always happens. Good job by the Steelers to only give up a field goal — that could and should have been worse. I think Leftwich's windup is powered by a hand crank. Wow. Jacoby Jones again. I'm pretty sure he just punched his Pro Bowl ticket with that one. Welcome to the dead end of Heinz Field, Justin Tucker. The Steelers haven't thrown many deep balls since the first play of the game. Strange. There's a bad throw by Leftwich that rightfully gets picked off. Now this has settled down into a typical Ravens-Steelers game, with the traded field goals in the third quarter being a prime example. Oh, Tomlin. If you get this wrong you probably lose. But I think it's a first down. By a NOSE it is. Aaaaand then Ngata kills Leftwich, so that ended up not making much difference.



I mean, it's getting ridiculous and clearly taking a toll on the man. Neither team has played particularly well tonight — the Steelers needed a bigger lift from the rest of their guys than they got, and the Ravens have been scuffling on offense all game long (it took Rice until the fourth quarter to outrush Leftwich.) Offsides? By two guys? That's stupid and near-fatal — they hit the 2-minute warning, so the Steelers will lose 40 seconds even if they get the stop. Why is Flacco dropping back? Who called a pass there? And why is Baltimore calling time out? Flacco taking the sack was the smartest thing anyone on the field has done in the last three minutes of real time. The Steelers are playing this like the Colts did at the end of the first half. Pick it up! A low snap? Well, that'll do it. (Ravens 13, Steelers 10)

This isn't the first time the Bears and 49ers have played on ESPN with both of their backup quarterbacks starting. I'm a bit surprised the 49ers are coming out throwing but Kaepernick is slinging that ball out there. Uh-oh. This is getting ugly fast. The Bears can't block well enough to give Campbell a chance to come back, or at least they haven't so far. But the bigger shock to me is how easily Kaepernick is making this look — this is one of the league's best defenses and he's slicing it to ribbons. Also, Aldon Smith is making a seven-course meal out of J'Marcus Webb, who really needs some help over there and he's not getting it. It's reminding me of that Eagles-Giants Sunday night game a few years back where rookie Winston Justice was pressed into service at left tackle and got destroyed all night.



Now Campbell's getting beat up like Leftwich was last night. Kaepernick still can't be stopped, by the way. That safety was hilarious. (49ers 32, Bears 7)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Houston (9-1) — Those impromptu track meets can be killer
2. Atlanta (9-1) — Not exactly a command performance
3. San Francisco (7-2-1) — Quarterback controversy looming?
4. New England (7-3) — Well look who just popped up

BOTTOM 4:
29. Oakland (3-7) — Too much upheaval at once leads to disaster
30. Cleveland (2-8) — Gave that one away
31. Jacksonville (1-9) — Might as well start taking chances
32. Kansas City (1-9) — Baby's back to crawling
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