By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12

In Which Killings Are Made, Panic Sets In, And Others Bite The Dust

Johnnyb452: WHY MATT
Johnnyb452: WHY
Johnnyb452: :'(
IdeaMan405: Give me your keys.
Johnnyb452: NO
Johnnyb452: NO I CAN STILL DRIVE
IdeaMan405: DAMMIT LISTEN TO ME
Johnnyb452: I CAN DRIVE DAMNIT
Johnnyb452: IT'S OK
Johnnyb452: *sob*
IdeaMan405: I'm not letting you within TEN MILES of that parking garage
Johnnyb452: Too late. I had to work tonight.
IdeaMan405: Aw shit. :-)

What's more unbelievable - the Ravens SCORING 44 points or GIVING UP 41? The officials did I don't know what at the end, but much like the Colts' comeback, the tuck rule game, and Bill Buckner, it should never have come to that.

Notice how without Dawkins, the Eagles' run defense suffers? It's because he allows them to bring Lewis up into the box and use single coverage on the outside. Blocked kicks~~~. See, at the beginning of the season, this game was the one I was worried about and I figured next week would be the cakewalk. Oh, how times change.

*crosses off 49ers*

It's only been two years, but the Texans are already at that stage where they're just good enough to give you problems. This just in: this Tom Brady? He's good, which I'm sure is killing Sven after all those Argo jokes he made two years ago. :)

You know, I probably would have had to sit through Steelers-Browns during the Eagles' commercial breaks. Maybe there was billiards on ESPN2 or something.

As if the Falcons didn't have enough problems. Now they can't field kickoffs. Billy Volek? Who in the BLUEST of all hells is BILLY VOLEK?

Chris Chandler's hurt? I am SHOCKED. Is that... is that KORDELL STEWART'S music? This may be Upset of the Year.

Anybody got the Rams figured out yet? No?

MY EYES! MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING! Actually, these weren't as bad as the Browns' all-orange look. Tim Hasselbeck's almost as famous as his wife is. Yes, just ALMOST. Then Fiedler comes off the bench and... leads a comeback? WTF. *crosses off Redskins*

Keyshawn who? This game gave me unneeded agita. Does anyone WANT the ball? I believe Smith leveling Toomer in the end zone led directly to Toomer dropping that sure touchdown later. *crosses off Giants* *and, really, the Bucs too*

Coming up: The return of the FOX ROBOT TURKEY.

Fantasy Report: ISAAC BRUCE SCORED A TOUCHDOWN. So I'm up ten after Sunday with only Thomas Jones left for the Minions, and I figure I'm golden if he doesn't score a touchdown. So what do you know? HE SCORES. Then I see him run back a kickoff and figure I'm screwed. I won by 1.07. I'm 7-5 and in with one more game against league leader Chaz, who I may be able to cost the top seed in the playoffs if I can pull an upset. Westbrook'll likely replace Randle-El. I can't finish higher than third, and am hoping Nate wins and moves up to at least fifth so I don't have to face him in the first round ;)

TOP 3:
1. Kansas City - Chiefs win gut-check against biggest rival
2. Indianapolis - Edge TAKES OVER
3. (tie) Dallas - Wins battle of surprises
(tie) Philadelphia - Do YOU want to face these guys right now?
(tie) New England - Ditto

BOTTOM 3:
30. Detroit - You'd think a team owned by the Fords would travel better
31. Arizona - Little help?
32. Jacksonville - Little MORE help?

Ya Think?

Fox Chief Says Second 'Joe' Was Greedy
Mon Nov 24, 3:52 PM ET

NEW YORK - A top Fox executive acknowledged Monday that "we got greedy" in ordering a second edition of "Joe Millionaire."

In nine months, the show has gone from one of TV's most surprising successes to the new season's most spectacular flameout. The final episode of its second season was to air Monday.

"Our instincts told us from the very beginning that `Joe Millionaire' was a one-time stunt and I think we got greedy," Sandy Grushow, Fox television entertainment chairman, said on Monday.

About 40 million people watched in February when hunky Evan Marriott revealed to the woman he picked that he really wasn't the millionaire. The series as a whole drew an average of nearly 23 million viewers.

Some critics doubted that the show's concept would bear repeating, but Grushow said in February, "we're obviously optimistic that it will perform extremely well when it returns."

But despite moving the show's setting to Europe to find gullible women, audiences have yawned. This season, the series has averaged 6.5 million viewers (ranked No. 85 for the season), with 5.4 million tuning in last week, according to Nielsen Media Research.

"We tried to sneak it by the American public a second time and we got called on it," Grushow said.

I Jump Off The Hook And Jacko Takes My Place

Went back to the doctor today.

Everything's fine.

I'll probably be on the medicine for another three months at least, but that's a piece of cake - the doctor just wants to make sure that whatever caused it is completely killed off. But there's no diabetes to worry about, and I don't know how I would've dealt with it if I had.

And while I was AT the doctor's office... Michael Jackson gave it up.

Here's my favorite line in the whole story: "...to face charges that could destroy the pop star's career and send him to prison for years." WHAT career? This has been the only thing keeping him in the news for the past eight years!

And should I be concerned that Celebrity Justice is the number two source for breaking information on this?

And leave it to FOX News (YOUR source for evil) to find some yahoo who completely misses the point. Dayside was on in the waiting room and somebody in the audience actually blamed the liberal media for "making excuses for this guy" for the last 10 years instead of getting to the bottom of this.

A college friend of mine used to say, "I weep for the future." Fuck that. I weep for the present.

Picking Up Scraps

- I go back to the doctor tomorrow. I don't think it's anything serious because I imagine I would have heard from him sooner if it was. We'll see.

- When was the last time I watched RAW? I don't even remember.

- Iverson's sitting out against the Raptors tonight. That game'll be in the 50s.

- It's 7:15 p.m. I've got a pasta pot full of water and can't decide what to add to it.

- Been fighting with Ebay for the past couple of days over my access. I haven't been able to sign in, and they're telling me that I can fix it by changing my preferences. I don't think they quite understand that I can't change my preferences because I CAN'T SIGN IN.

- Prove you're not a teenybopper-chasing perv. Or that you are. Whatever.

- And finally...



78. Yeah, that's about right.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 11

In Which A Prophecy Is Fulfilled, The Pulse Slows, And The First Goodbyes Are Said

ALL HAIL KING MARVIN. This is astounding. Chad, unlike his cousin, can actually back up his talk. Peter Warrick! Are you making this up? Rudi runs wild AGAIN while Priest doesn't break 100 total yards. They're gonna win that division because it's just so bad. Hey, you know who I don't want to be right now? The Raiders.

Why can't this happen every week? A nice, easy, comfortable win where everything goes right. Oh, here's why the Eagles cut Brian Mitchell: He can't run anymore. This goal-line stand was not on par with the seven-play one against Arizona some years back, but it was still impressive. Brian Westbrook, Giant killa. Fassel's all but gone now.

Texans-Bills. Moving on. Ravens-Dolphins. Moving on. Jaguars-Titans. Moving the FUCK on. Who booked this crap? (At least I didn't have to watch any of it.)

After further review, I think Davis got in. And while it wasn't the most emphatic "fuck you" to Spurrier he could have delivered, it sure was effective.

And now we know where Warrick's been for the past five years - hanging out in a cave with RICK MIRER. Only fifteen rushes against a team that can't stop the run? And now Moss is starting to whine again. This isn't good.

So the Packers went down to Tampa, gave up zero sacks, and ran the ball down their throats for the game-winning touchdown. CHAD CLIFTON HAS BEEN AVENGED. Please tell me I wasn't the only one hoping Gruden would start channelling Mora. Then this happened today. It's over.

Everybody who picked the Cowboys to win Sunday night should be ashamed of themselves. Did you not think that Belichick would come up with a scheme that would eventually confuse the hell out of poor Quincy? The commentators kept referencing the Tampa game a few weeks back, and that's essentially what this was. Heck, the score was almost the same. I think Leary was the only other guy in A! who picked the Pats.

Fantasy Report: Plummer with three TD passes to Sharpe. GAME. OVER. And I had Westbrook on the bench. I paid zero attention to the Monday night game because I didn't need the points. I'm thinking I might just switch to 2 WR/3 RB because Bruce isn't scoring any touchdowns. Four of the six 5-5 teams won, so I am now in fourth place with the red-hot Dr. Cube as my next opponent (He's won five in a row.) Chris beat Chaz, so there are no more unbeatens here, either. Poor Nate. Got 106 points and LOST.

TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis - 38 without Harrison and Pollard? Daaaaaaaaamn
2. Carolina - Hey, Rob, guess what? You were right
3. Kansas City - It was bound to happen sooner or later

BOTTOM 3:
30. Jacksonville - I'll ask again: What's the plan here?
31. San Diego - Why leave Flutie in down 34-0?
32. Atlanta - Mike, come home

Illinois-Chicago Diary (Week 8, Part 2)

Game 13 Report
Youngstown St. (4-8) at Illinois-Chicago (7-5)
Wednesday, January 1, 2003

There's something just... wrong about that date. Nevertheless, the Horizon League season started on New Year's Day with three games.

The start of this game was spent mostly trying to figure out the best substitution pattern for Cooper and Correa. As the only two guard-like players left, they both started, and since Correa is (was?) Cooper's backup, one of them would have to be on the floor at all times. Mills has also slowed down the tempo so the guys won't get fatigued as easily. It was decided that if either man struggled early, he would sit, and Jones would slide to the shooting guard spot. That man for this game was Cooper, but it was more a case of him not really getting to do anything with the ball. Up 9-8 early, we were surprised at how quickly the Penguins went to their bench - Sean Miller's a decent forward, but there's nowhere in the starting lineup to put him with Coursey, Richardson, and one of the Martin Sanchezes.

Youngstown's Pat King got off to an awful start, missing three straight shots before scoring on an alley-oop. Jones did yeoman's work for us, collecting five rebounds before going to the bench with 11:14 left in the first half. White, as usual, was in foul trouble. (It's 'cause he's STUPID, see.) Out of the timeout, Mike Dersch came in and promptly gave the Penguins a 13-12 lead with a three, then went back to the bench as if nothing had happened. Odd.

Here's an example of the dire straits we're in personnel-wise: with nine minutes to play in the first half of a tie game, Will Wagner checked in. You know, just got off academic suspension, the guy who, in Mills' angry words, "is barely good enough to play D-I ball"? Yeah, him. But God bless him, he scored on a putback dunk. Correa checked back in and hit a three at the 6:21 mark to cap off a 10-3 run and force the Penguins to call time, down 24-18. We continued to roll, and a jumper by Fields gave us a 37-24 lead at halftime.

Correa led us with 13 at the half. Nobody else on our team had more than five. King got hot for Youngstown, taking 10 into the locker room, but the Penguins' big two were struggling mightily - Richardson's 1-for-7 from the floor and Coursey had only taken one shot. We owned them on the boards so far, 20-8.

Correa and Jones started the second half in our backcourt - get used to seeing some odd combinations back there to start the second half. White just cannot stay in the damn game as he picked up two more fouls within the first four minutes of the half. He's making this harder than it already is. Although we weren't too worried, being up 45-29 and all. The Penguins then switched to a production of "Spot-Up Jumper Theater" to try to get closer. Point guard Otis Moran hit three threes as every shot they took was of the 15-foot and out variety. With 11:53 left, they'd just about halved our lead to 53-44.

Balanced scoring kept us in front. Jones, Cooper, and Greer all contributed as we held our ground for almost eight minutes, trading baskets and getting a break or two to hold a 65-55 lead with just over four minutes left in the game. White returned and was fouled, but missed both free throws. Williams was there to swoop in and get the rebound, and he was fouled, making one of two. 66-57, 3:11 left.

Our free throw shooting down the stretch left a lot to be desired save for Cooper. Fortunately, Youngstown couldn't get the ball all the way down the court when they had it. Richardson fouled out with 1:14 to go and only two points to his credit. The end came and went, and when it was over, we'd won our conference opener, 72-64.

Correa led us with 15 points. Williams had 12, and Cooper added 10. Jones just missed a double-double with nine points and nine rebounds. We got a shockingly productive 14 minutes out of Wagner in his first meaningful action of the season. The rebounding edge was 36-24 in our favor. For the Penguins, Moran scored all of his game-high 19 points in the second half and had eight assists. Sanchez pumped in 13, while King finished with 10. But the big story for them was Richardson getting only two points on 1-for-7 shooting, and Coursey playing only 13 minutes and being shut out. "That won't happen again," Mills said when told of those numbers post-game. "That's a good team whose two best players had a bad night. This is a very good win for us."

Game 14 Report:
Illinois-Chicago (8-5, 1-0) at Wright State (4-9, 1-0)
Saturday, January 4, 2003

Wright State. And you know what (or who) THAT means. Sure, Horizon League superfrosh Andy Hayes is the team's leading scorer, but he was held in check by Wisconsin-Milwaukee Thursday night, scoring only four points. But shooting guard Lloyd Petteway dropped 29 on the Panthers, and two bench players - Mike Jenkins and Bobby Augustus - gave the Raiders 19 apiece in a 99-59 win. Let's meet Lloyd:

SG #12 Lloyd Petteway (6'3", 189, senior, Gage Park H.S., Chicago)
10.3 ppg, 5.8 apg (leads team), .367 3-pt pct., 2.50 GPA

We came out in a 3-2 zone and promptly gave up two threes to start the contest. Dubious. And so much for slowing things down - there were only four shots missed in the first five minutes of play, and it was already 14-13. It took us almost that long to get a rebound. Correa came back with a three to give us our first lead, and he already had seven points after that. After some putzing around on both sides, Correa drained another three to force the Raiders to call time with 13:20 to play.

"Looks like we can run with these guys," Mills says in the huddle. With frequent substitutions the norm these days anyway, Coach has no problem shuffling guys in and out to keep them fresh, even if they've got a hot hand. Wright State came back with six unanswered points to take the lead before we got it back.

At 8:30 and up by one, something very bad happened. Cooper picked up his second foul. Correa replaced him as Mills and the assistants realized they hadn't considered this - what if both guards were to get into foul trouble? Another problem that's just as immediate was the fact that we were getting manhandled on the glass. The game was nip and tuck for the next stretch, with a Jenkins three giving Wright St. a 40-37 lead with three minutes to play in the half. Correa needed a breather badly, so Mills reluctantly put Cooper back in, two fouls and all. "You can NOT mess this up," Coach told the freshman.

So next trip down he got called for a charge.

Back to the bench. Four straight Raider points had Mills wanting a TO. Jones returned to the floor, but nobody wanted the ball at the end of the first half (seriously - the half ended with four missed shots, three out-of-bounds, and a travel) and the Raiders went into halftime with a 44-39 lead. Once again, Correa was our halftime leader with 13 points. Petteway, Colin Jefferson and Kendrick Hunter had eight apiece for Wright State, who doubled our rebounding total, 18-9, over the first half, which was why they were winning.

Jones came out firing in the second half, scoring five points to give him 10 and bring the Flames within four. Other than that, the beginning of the second half was the opposite of the first, that is, nobody could make a shot. So the Raiders went back to their advantage, their inside game, and built a six-point lead that way. Then, bad things. Augustus for two. Turnover. Hunter for two. Petteway for three. Marvel for three. Shot clock violation. With nine minutes left, Wright State had built a 63-50 lead.

Three more minutes went by, and a Cooper three-pointer made it 68-58. After three more minutes, it's 72-62 and Jones was back in. Time to open the launch doors. No points were scored in the next minute. Boy, could we use Clyde and/or Kiwane right now. We had a foul to give and gave it, but we couldn't make any meaningful baskets down the stretch and lost, 76-65.

That early rebounding deficit was just too much to overcome. I don't think we got any second-chance baskets until a three by Jones near the anticlimactic end. He ended up with a team-high 15 points for us. Correa had 13, and Williams 11. For Wright State, Petteway led the way with 17. Hunter had 14 and eight rebounds, while center Jefferson had 10 and seven. Hayes finished with 11. Point guard Paul Marvel had 10 points and nine assists. That's all five starters in double figures. Something we're seeing also is that with Jones being forced to play a lot of SG, the output from the SF position has fallen off. Wagner's actually taking minutes away from Fields, who's done nothing all week.

On The Other Hand...

Radical Rob T: It is quite a relief
Radical Rob T: to see that you are NOT John Stamos
IdeaMan405: It's good to check every once in a while.
Radical Rob T: now....if we can prove you're NOT Chris Tucker, we'll be doing great.
IdeaMan405: I'm not sure how to react to that.
Radical Rob T: well, I find that giving me money is a great reaction for any situation. However, in lieu of that, I'd suggest either killing Russo or placing a curse on Bill Parcells.
IdeaMan405: Hmmm.
IdeaMan405: (You're not getting my money, by the way.)
Radical Rob T: but it is an excellent reaction. Especially if you have large bills.
IdeaMan405: I don't.
Radical Rob T: credit cards? Bonds? the pictures of Vince and the goat you've got under your mattress?
IdeaMan405: Ew.
Radical Rob T: I don't want them for viewing. I'm gonna blackmail Vince.
IdeaMan405: I have no such photos
Radical Rob T: I'm thinking - new RAW world champion: Lance Storm. New SD! world champ - Rich Gannon. (He's got some time on his hands)

With One Hundred Percent Certainty

Find Out If You Are John Stamos!

*peeks into bedroom*

*makes note of lack of Rebecca*

Finally, an online quiz that's guaranteed to be right.

*thumbs up*

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10

In Which Our Commentator Uncovers A Conspiracy, The Opposite Of Insomnia Is Considered, And The Meek Say, "Fuck INHERITING. We TAKIN' This Shit."

How the hell did I manage to sleep through all the early games?

Berman pretty much nailed the Giants during their Prime Time highlights with this: "They're always nice, always well-dressed, just, the fly is down, sometimes." This happened last year and made just about as much sense (read: NONE) then. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Reeves said his grandkids asked him "What took you so long?" Fassel's damn near out of lives.

It's Rudi with an "I" for some reason. No matter. They win next week and Lewis:Cincinnati::Josh Beckett:South Florida. Hey, Corey! Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out, you ungrateful bastard!

G Of The Year: Fred Taylor, Jacksonville Jaguars. Told the man he was gonna run him over, DID IT, and then turned around and looked at him. I haven't seen anything like that since Iverson stepped on Tyronn Lue in the Finals.

Will somebody please tell the Dolphins it's only November?

Giving up 12 to the Panthers the first time was expected. But 27? In the rematch? WITHOUT Davis? Wow. Just... wow. We'll know by the end of the month if a Panthers collapse is in the offing. I'm thinking not.

Coles was right - Spurrier would've gotten killed if that fourth down play had failed. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. And you have to win on the road if you want to get anywhere in this league.

Lookit the little old guy run! Lookit Kevin Williams get clowned by that juke! Did this team really start 6-0?

Well, I've found a worse group of wide receivers than the Eagles': the Baltimore Ravens. It's Travis Taylor and a bunch of guys whose names weren't even mentioned. Marshall Faulk! Nice to see you. When was the last time a team got so much out of so little? Hell, the Texans only got 24 points in that game against Pittsburgh last year. As unbelievable as this will sound, Boller's injury just opened the floodgates in that division. Redman looked like shite, and Wright's a No. 3 for a reason.

It's raining, it's pouring, and nobody can hold on to the ball. When Green wasn't fumbling, he was running through what's left of the Eagles' defensive line. I'm still shocked the Packers didn't challenge the McNabb touchdown. I actually supported the Eagles going for it on fourth down there; as I said in the office, "I have seen no indication that they're gonna get this close again." Going back and catching that floater was the first good thing Thrash has done all year. Duuuuuuuuce. Someone emailed the local post-game show complaining that they named Green Player of the Game. They're trying to kill me and I don't know why. I've been a loyal fan for over 20 years. I don't understand why they're doing this.

THIS JUST IN: Anybody else think there's more to the Kevin Johnson situation?

Fantasy Report: Two TDs each from Blake, Ward, and Faulk and this thing was over by 9:30. I'm now second of six teams at 5-5 and facing Brian next week. Plummer says he'll be back for this week's game against the Chargers, but damned if I know what to do. A side benefit to all the Packers' ball protection problems is that Butch finally won a game. Beating Scott's juggernaut, no less. Trading deadline is Friday; playoffs start in three weeks.

TOP 3:
1. Kansas City - Believe it or not, now it gets difficult
2. Tennessee - Titans catch break after romp over Fish
3. Carolina - Buried the Bucs? Maybe

BOTTOM 3:
30. San Diego - OK, now what?
31. Chicago - Another fire might be in order
32. Oakland - My God.

Illinois-Chicago Diary (Week 8; Part 1 - Horizon League Preview)

We are physically incapable of catching a damn break.

Academics: Here’s the good news: Will Wagner got his GPA up to a respectable 2.39 and was reinstated. Here’s the bad news: Kiwane Jefferson’s now ineligible with a 1.75 GPA. We have one true guard left. ONE. This is unbelievable. Mills destroyed the phone in his office after hearing the news. It’s the most frustrated I’ve seen him since he arrived on campus. Granted, that was only six months ago, but still. “I lose my best outside shooter and the fourth-best free throw shooter in the country and get back a guy who’s barely good enough to play D-I ball. Fabulous. Just fucking fabulous.”

Injuries: Here’s the worst news: Clyde Miller needed a hernia operation and is now expected to miss two months. That projects to him coming back for the last week or so of the regular season and the conference tournament. He was our leading scorer, and his absence showed against Pittsburgh. If we get Noel Scott back from his torn Achilles, it’ll be about the same time, but we’re not counting on that.

Polls: Florida is STILL No. 1. The Gators are 15-0, including a 90-75 win over then No. 5 and now No. 8 Michigan State. Remember that Albany team we beat three weeks ago? Well, they went into Georgia and beat the Bulldogs last Monday, 89-82. D.A. Martin had 21 points in that game. Then the Bulldogs barely beat Maryland-Eastern Shore on Sunday, 77-75. They dropped to 14th.

Recruiting: No big news this week other than the final college eligibility scores coming out. No one we’re targeting was ruled ineligible. Aquil Cooper committed to Kansas State but we weren’t all that high on him anyway. Minnesota’s dropped out of the Winkfield derby, but Youngstown State’s jumped in. We’re still pursuing Morrison aggressively as well. Only two of the top 40 players haven’t made decisions yet.

RV’s Ronny Largent committed to George Washington after getting their offer last week. Go A-10. *thumbs up* It’s a good spot for him, as the Colonials need young frontcourt players. Sadly, interest in teammate Chris Simpson has dried up.

Awards:
Horizon League Player of the Week: PG #31 Paul Marvel, 6’2” senior, Wright State (29.5 ppg, 6 apg)
Horizon League Freshman of the Week: Guess. C’mon! All right, I’ll tell you: SF #24 Andy Hayes, 6’4” freshman, Wright State (19 ppg, 5 apg; fourth week in a row, fifth time overall, and I could have sworn he was 6’5” last week)
National Player of the Week: SG Dusty Dix, 6’4” senior, University of San Diego (34 ppg, 6 rpg, 6 apg, 3 spg)
National Freshman of the Week: SG Alex Vitas, 6’2” freshman, Wisconsin (21.5 ppg, 10 apg, 5.5 spg)

Horizon League Outlook: Going into conference play, a few things stand out. Our assist-to-turnover ratio as a team is barely over 1, second-worst in the conference only to Wisconsin-Milwaukee. We’re the worst rebounding team in the conference, averaging 30.7 per game. We’re also dead last in shooting percentage allowed (50.5% from the floor; 44.5% from behind the arc), shot blocks, and steals. On the other hand, despite all of that, we’re somehow No. 2 in scoring defense, allowing 73.8 points per game. We’re also the conference’s best shooting team from the field (49.7%) and the free throw line (75%).

Right now Detroit (8-4) looks like the best team in the conference. All five starters average double-figures in scoring, and they play good defense and aren’t missing any key players, unlike Cleveland State (8-4). Another team to watch is Youngstown State — despite their 4-8 record, the Penguins beat Duke in Durham and only lost by 10 to Michigan State on a neutral court. C Ramon Richardson had 39 in the season opener, and swingman Bobby Coursey can go off at any time — he almost single-handedly beat the Blue Devils. It’s really hard to say how we’ll do in the conference with all the injuries and not having people. I think at full strength, we’d probably be good for a second or third-place finish. Now? Who knows. We could end up anywhere from second to eighth. (I’m pretty sure we’re better than Wisconsin-Milwaukee.)

Have some stats! First, for the Flames:

Scoring: Clyde Miller (12.3), Danny Jones (11.2), Kiwane Jefferson (9.2)

Rebounding: Glendon White (7.3), Damon Williams (5.6), Miller (4.5)

Assists: Rashun Cooper (5), Miller (3.4), Noel Scott (2.3)

3-pointers: Jefferson (.474), Miller (.450), Jones (.406)

Now some national stats:

Scoring: Josh Johnson, Alabama (23.8); Aurumias Vitas, Tenn. Tech (22.3); Brandon Henderson, Long Beach St. (22.2); Riley Perdue, Cal St.-Northridge (22); Julian Welch, South Alabama (21.5)

Rebounding: Errick Sherill, Utah (14.8); James Bibby, USC (14.2); Jamal Glover, Nebraska (14), Gabriel Ichaki, Butler (13.9); Ray Claxton, Michigan State, and Ed Asbury, North Carolina (13.8)

Assists: Calvin Fox, Holy Cross (10.7); Perry Hancock, Tulane (10.5); DeMarcus Simmons, Alabama (10.4); Rodney Schwab, Bradley, and Xavier McKie, UC Santa Barbara (10.2)

FG%: Andreas Durkin, Tennessee (80.4%); Kenyatta Nunn, Illinois (79.4%); Doug Green, Mount St. Mary’s (77.5%); Doylan Edwards, San Diego State (75.9%); John Diamond, Western Michigan (75.8%)

Blocks: Brian Cox, Appalachian St. (4.9); Asbury, North Carolina (4.4); Sherrill, Utah (4.3); David Moore, Temple (4.2); Derek Tyler, Michigan (4.1)

Steals: Jason Murray, Oklahoma (3.7); Keith Wilson, Virginia (3.6); Donald Griffith, Fordham (3.4); five tied with 3.3

3-point shooting: Derek Stokes, Rutgers (.880); Mike Floyd, Oklahoma (.765) John Jefferson, Texas-Arlington (.750); Johnson, Alabama (.735); Marques Shipp, Villanova (.731)

The Value of Team Play: Top-ranked Florida has only one player in the top 30 in the nation in any major statistical category: Jermaine Wyatt is shooting 93.9% from the foul line, good for eighth nationally.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9

In Which Trust Is Betrayed, Monkeys Are Thrown Off Backs, And Gifts Are Exchanged Early

Rob, I'm writing them off. It is OVER.

Well, THIS was interesting. It's at least the second time that I've seen that the Giants have gone with Levens over Tiki in the fourth quarter. Think his fumbling's on their minds much? What's happening to this team? Pennington was on point - the TD to Becht at the end was a great play at both ends. My station switched to the Eagles game after regulation, but it sounds like the Doug Brien situation was similar to the Tampa game in McNabb's rookie year, where the clock was running and Norm Johnson was late getting on the field.

Peter King's column sums up the Bucs' situation better than I could. The bigger question: are the Saints playing this season backwards?

If "hops" are vertical, then what's the horizontal equivalent? I ask, of course, because of the Ray Lewis interception.

Colts/Dolphins was odd - poor tackling from the Fish? Harrison fumbles? Ricky gets nothing? Indy actually WINS in Miami? Damn.

"What if the Bears had started the season with Chandler?" He'd be HURT right now, that's what. At least Thomas has found himself.

I don't remember if that's why the Eagles got rid of Rossum, but that didn't help any case he might have made. OMG A FREDDIE MITCHELL SIGHTING. Then Duckett and Dunn started running through what's left of the defensive line. Once again the tight ends became key. A good football player? From RUTGERS? Hell's frozen over. That was the first block of Akers' career, believe it or not. Believe this, too: the Eagles are 21-7 in their last 28 road games. The same thing happened on the Sheppard INT that happened on the Lewis INT LAST week. Falcons schmalcons. I'm sure Donovan will take it. You know, they'd be in the playoffs If The Season Were To End Right Now.

Inexplicability (it's a word NOW, damn it) Of The Week: Rams/49ers.

I don't know... on the one hand, I'm enjoying watching Spurrier and Snyder crash and burn, but on the other hand... it's the fucking Cowboys.

I'll tell you what happened: Moss got taken out of the game. The announcers said several times that the Vikings' LBs aren't fast enough to keep up with Green (and, like Chris said, couldn't tackle him when they did) Favre went nuts, as if he was legit pissed off about being only 2-9 in the Homerdome. I think the Packers just wanted this one more than the Vikings did.

Great, now ELAM'S hurt? When Anderson caught the TD from Kanell, my night was ruined. See below as to why. I didn't like Shanahan's decision to punt on 4th and 3 near the end, both for football and selfish reasons. It didn't sound like Madden was thrilled with it, either (and in retrospect, it basically cost them the game). "I am a believer!" Brilliant. Also brilliant was Belichick deciding to take the safety and free kick from the 20 instead of risking a block and putting the game out of reach. Brady saves the Pats AGAIN. How is this happening?

Fantasy Report: Got another surprisingly productive day from Blake, and Hines Ward returned, but Faulk sitting and Javon Walker's surprising game ended up killing me - I needed 23 points from Portis and Sharpe and, by my quick calculations, only got about 19. So now I'm 4-5 and get Kelvin, who's seemingly been thisclose to beating about four teams. The Butch-Max game may set some kind of Yahoo! record for fewest combined points. I wonder if we can find that out.

TOP 3:
1. Kansas City - Hey, it's not like they LOST
2. Indianapolis - Best start in over 20 years
3. New England - Belichick winning with bandages and IVs

BOTTOM 3:
30. Oakland - Falling apart at the seams
31. Atlanta - What's left to change?
32. San Diego - QB flap the last thing this team needs

Don't forget to vote!

Was It Something I Said?

We haven't gotten a lot of trick-or-treaters around my apartment complex. I only got one last year, and one again this year.

It was real early, around 4. I answer the knock at the door, and there's a little girl, couldn't have been older than three, in a giraffe costume. Her mom's with her, coaching her on what to say, but she looks either confused or scared and is just standing there. She tries to walk in a couple of times, but Mom pulls her back. She has yet to say anything, and I've been caught off guard, not expecting anyone to show up.

I say, "Hang on a second" and go open a bag of Hershey's Kisses I happen to have lying around. I grab a handful and go back to the door. Nothing. She's just standing there. She's got candy in her little bucket, so it's not like she's had stage fright all day, either. The standoff continues for about 30 more seconds until she cries out. Mom tries to figure out what's wrong, and the girl suddenly starts walking away. Mom tries to bring her back, but to no avail.

Wow. Now I feel sad and horrible. :( I'm sorry I brought it up.