Tuesday, January 28, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth: Kinetic Slide

Uh-oh. Jamaal Charles is already walking off the field? That's potentially awful. Smith got chased on that 2nd and goal pass and it could have been disastrous. Bowe just got across the line. They're gonna wear Luck's arm out at this rate. It's all Hilton, all the time right now. That didn't take long. I don't know if the Chiefs kick this field goal if Charles is healthy. Then again. who knows what Andy'll ever do down here. The Colts have too many Boston College guys to be taken seriously. (Same for the Patriots and Rutgers, which I've discussed before.) So Donnie Avery outran everyone. That's two long pass plays so far. FUMBLE. Poor Trent Richardson, who's throwing up in his mouth on the sideline. (Not literally.)

SHOVEL PASS. Dump that "Song #2" remix ASAP, NBC DJ. The Colts really need Hilton to not be hurt badly if they want a shot to come back from this. Luck in the shotgun on 4th and inches? NICE. Slide! There he is. Man, somebody catch something. Andy's screen game has always been on point. Mayock's convinced the Colts' corners Davis and Toler are still hurt. He won't stop talking about it. I mean, he may be right — Toler's already left the game — but simmer down already. 31-10? That's a final. Who says the Chiefs can't score? Hilton tripped himself out of at least 10 more yards. Where was Luck going with that pass? Double coverage? That was the slowest non-fat guy return ever.

Oh, boy, that's another bad pass by Luck. Touchdown! This may officially be out of hand. Whoa! Nice catch by Rogers. Was Brown even touched? Fumble! Wait, hang on, that's pretty close to the sideline... did he have it? Yeah, I can't overturn that. Big break for the Colts.
Mentioned because Pagano appears to have Belichicked him. Here we go... this is the other thing that Luck does a lot of. These anonymous non-Hilton receivers are playing much better this half. Meanwhile, the Chiefs are running out of players. Good stop by the Colts defense after that touchdown. Uh-oh. Bad throw and everything, but it was in Hilton's hands and he couldn't hold on to it.The worst part of all of these Colt turnovers is that the Chiefs keep scoring points afterwards. Lots of big gains on this drive. That touchdown to Fleener was a bullet. There is plenty of time left in this game.


Dude's catching passes all over the place. I think this happened in their first meeting, too; just not to this destructive extent. Way to jinx Donald Brown's fumbling, Hicks. Wait, Luck did WHAT?!?!


How does no one see him? Or get to him before he crosses the goal line? The ball went backwards. Anything's possible at this point. The Chiefs are down to their third-string running back. Why are they calling time outs? That was puzzling. All that and now they're only up six with five-plus minutes left. OH MY GOD.
You know what the Chiefs could use is a couple of time outs. GROUNDING. A timeout AFTER THE TWO MINUTE WARNING? SERIOUSLY?

That was ridiculous. In every way possible. (Colts 45, Chiefs 44)

All right... let's do this.

You don't see Brees short hop a throw that often. Debris on the field? What is this, a NASCAR race? Oh, crap, did the Eagles jump on 4th and 2? NO! Spectacular. A couple of Brees' throws have been off already. Who kicked that into the end zone? CUT HIM.


OOPS. Interception! That ball kind of died up there and Stills couldn't adjust. Hey, McCoy gained yards on a carry. That hadn't happened yet. The fans are booing, which probably means the field goal team is out. Oh, it's a Saints injury that they're not buying. Bad move if it IS a fake, though — they're just giving Chip more time to decide what he wants to do. And McCoy got it anyway. Then Foles takes a bad sack and wastes the effort.

Then Henery misses a field goal that should have been 20 yards shorter than it was. Possible turnover here? He MIGHT be down. It's close. The other thing is, if he's ruled down (reversing the call), he's also short of the first down. Yep, they overturned it. Another false start? Wow. I didn't see him move on the replay. So six minutes into the second quarter and we have our first points.


I think Brees is the Saints' leading rusher so far. ANOTHER interception! They're not booing; they're saying "Coop." "American Bandstand"? Really? I think the DJ emptied his "Philadelphia" folder two weeks ago. Uh-oh, Foles is holding the ball again. Touchdown! Thank God Cooper got open.


That hold Brees begged for and got on Cox was the latest flag ever. Like, 2002 NCAA national title game late. I mean, it probably was a hold, but it's disingenuous as hell. That time the three-man rush worked. Moore on the touchdown was the first Saint tonight to get away from a defender after the catch. Cooper may have just dropped another touchdown, which hasn't happened very often this season. That's the first time Colston's seen the ball tonight and it won't count. Ingram's running like his job is at stake, and it kind of is. Did he get in? He did — you can tell from the other side. At least the Flyers just went ahead? And the Sixers are leading the Blazers by the same score IN PORTLAND. What's weird about the way this is playing out is that the Eagles' run defense was actually almost good this year. DeSean! Finally! Also he was held twice but whatever.


Touchdown McCoy. MOTOWNPHILLY. YES.

Good punt return by DeSean. Now it's the Eagles who are abusing this kid #38. And really, for a good #38 in the NFL you probably have to go all the way back to George Rogers. Oh boy. Now what? Fourth and 1 from the opponent's 6 in a six-point playoff game in the fourth quarter... I don't like kicking the field goal here. There's a false start on the field goal attempt, which pretty much settles that decision. I expect Patrick Chung to be plying his trade elsewhere next season. At least the Saints only got three out of it.


That's a BIG pass interference penalty. TOUCHDOWN. Either Jackson or Ertz was getting that one.


Horse collar on top of a big return by Sproles? Not good. It's weird having the Saints be in a position of having to prove something but here we are. Where'd this Robinson guy come from? Damn it. The worst part is the Saints are almost too far away from the end zone for the Eagles to just let them score. Think about this, Saints. Do you REALLY want to go back to Seattle? THINK ABOUT THIS.

And that's that. Well, that was fun while it lasted. (Saints 26, Eagles 24)

What, they couldn't get Ken Anderson to do the game intro with Fouts? I mean, I know Boomer's on staff but he wasn't in that game. (Was he even in college yet?) So this Green kid on the Chargers is their other tight end, yet I don't think he ever lines up as one. This drive feels like someone's picking at a scab, which would make the Wood head touchdown drawing blood. Wow, Dalton missed Bernard badly on that one.


Obligatory chili montage. And Rivers misses Allen badly to counter.

Dalton almost got plastered on that touchdown pass, and Gresham almost didn't catch it. I should mention at some point that the Chargers have lost their starting center, which makes this about the 5,791st offensive line combination they've used this season. And King Dunlap had a really good year, which is stunning to me. Really, McCoy? That's the kind of low-reward, doomed-to-fail challenge that Marvin usually pulls.

Nice catch on the sideline by Jones again. Nooooo Gio! Wait, was he down? Oh, OK, he definitely wasn't — I'm asking the wrong question. Yeah, turning and taking two steps is a football move. Hey, they got it right! Good job, sirs. Fans are booing and the clock's running. Oh, he didn't go forward? That's a rule? I did not know that. Why are they reviewing the catch? This actually benefits the Bengals because it stops the clock, and even more if it's an incomplete pass because they should get those eight seconds or whatever back. So it's a catch.

So the spike DOESN'T COUNT? Now they have to kick this, like, immediately. Is Shannon Sharpe wearing purple velvet? Punting at midfield isn't appreciably better, Bengals. The Chargers are walking down this field and now they have the lead back. Dumb dive, Dalton, whether this is a fumble or not. I mean, that's WHY you slide, so nothing can happen to you. It's a fumble, and he would have been short of the first down even if it hadn't been. Like I said, dumb dive. Hey, it's raining. The blitz caused that interception. Wait, James Harrison just committed a needlessly stupid and dangerous penalty? That's never happened before. That's a semi-critical stop by Maualuga. I say semi-critical because the Bengals' offense has done absolutely nothing this half. I mean, A.J. Green has three catches.
More field goals! Oh. That's just a bad everything by Dalton.




Wow. Green had double coverage beaten and still couldn't hang on. That's the way things have gone for the Bengals today. And the fourth down throw goes five yards over the receiver's head. Shut it down. What, again? I mean, make it stop. We don't need to play these last five minutes. The Bengals aren't coming back. You know who's even more pissed right now? Steelers fans. I meant to mention this earlier but I'm a but surprised Ronnie Brown's gotten so much run in this game. Did Mathews get hurt and I missed it?


(Chargers 27, Bengals 10)


Good Lord, this field looks like a farm yard. I'm looking for feeding troughs and chicken coops. Someone got crossed up on that failed 3rd down. They're going for it? Yeah, I guess they have to — 4th and 6 from the opposing 40 is no man's land. What the... seriously? Harbaugh burns timeouts like he's the brother who coached under Andy Reid for six years. Does Kaepernick always roll left? Even on run plays? Man, Shields and Neal are already out for Green Bay. The Packers have attempted one pass so far. Kaepernick screwed that one up. And why throw in Williams' direction, anyway? They'd done so well picking on House.

And from the air, the field looks like a dirt race track. Daniel Snyder sees nothing wrong with this.


Hey, the Packers are throwing the ball now! About time, McCarthy. And Rodgers finishes it off with an actual frozen rope to Nelson. There's the big Kaepernick run that the Packers always give up. Gore lives up to his name. Buck called that Eric Reid interception like he knew it was coming back. It feels like the Packers haven't stopped throwing once they finally started. They have been mixing in the run, but it doesn't feel like they have. They may as well just run a play on third down here with the clock running. Just not THAT one. And didn't they have a time out left? Well, they got three out of it. We are seeing some historically bad timeout management and the second half just started. That was all quite ineffective. Another one? Andy Reid is shaking his head.


Other than that, this third quarter has been pretty much a non-event except for Brent Celek's little brother catching a pass and Rodgers getting sacked twice in a row. The Packers are really working the run game on this drive. WOW. How did the 49ers let Rodgers get away there? And a Kuhn run seals it. He doesn't make his money with his hops, I'll tell you that much. Attacking House was bound to yield a flag at some point. Now he's hurt?


Nice spin by Davis to catch that. Both of these guys can bring serious velocity on their throws. Getting Rodgers back these last two weeks has done so much for the Packers' offense and that's obvious, but getting Cobb back at the same time really does add another layer. That probably should have been a touchdown.


Every big run Kaepernick's had today — and against the Packers in general — has been to the left side, whether Clay's been there or not. (And it's telling that I'm only now mentioning that Clay Matthews hasn't played today.)

This ending feels... familiar. (49ers 23, Packers 20)


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Sunday, January 19, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 17: Who We Thought They Were

Signal Finder: CLE @ PIT, CAR @ ATL, NYJ @ MIA (end), BAL @ CIN (end), GB @ CHI, KC @ SD


I'm slightly surprised to see the Steelers throwing so much so early, their success with it notwithstanding. That's not a good turnover by Campbell... gotta have better awareness than that. And that's an equally bad turnover by Ben. Not that any turnovers are good, but those were egregious. Now Roethlisberger's throwing screens into double coverage. (To say nothing of the Browns double covering the receiver on a screen.) This turned into a good drive — Pittsburgh's using lots of underneath stuff. There's another touchdown and that might do it the way the Browns are going. And the Browns' season ends the way it always does — with a horrible interception. Hang tight, Steel City! (Steelers 20, Browns 7)

Falcon touchdowns won't get bigger cheers than Gonzalez catches today. See? Or rather, hear? Three sacks already for the Panthers and they've gotten them all with base pressure. Good Lord, everything is going wrong for the Panthers offensively right now. First the pick, then Williams' big run gets knocked out by a fumble. WHAT. Someone screwed up on that pass and Carolina gets a pick-six out of it. Now Cam's all, "Screw it, I'll do this myself." Most obvious pass interference ever. Dude never let go. Tolbert! Nice coverage. Blink of an eye and Carolina's ahead. When Ryan's had time to remain upright, the Falcons have moved the ball through the air today. That touchdown to White was telegraphed. Late hit? OK. Nice catch by Olson to put the Panthers back up. Matt Ryan's getting demolished out here. That drive took too long to only get three points out of it. A screen to Tolbert on 3rd and 10? Really, Ron? NINE sacks. If you were wondering what happened to the Falcons in 2013, that's one of the things. How didn't the Panthers run out the clock? HOW DOES THAT HAPPEN? That bad snap just cost the Falcons the game — they lost 16 yards, they didn't get back up to the line right away, and then they lost five more yards and a 10-second runoff on the false start. Unbelievable. Sorry about that, Tony. (Panthers 21, Falcons 20)

Why are the Giants kicking 50-yard field goals? Why kick field goals at all? I'd go on 4th and 20. What have you got to lose besides another game?

Hopefully this brings the "Kirk Cousins is better than RGIII" talk to a violent end:

Also, I love how Fox stayed in-studio between games and never even thought about going to this farce even though it took the longest to end. Godspeed, London Fletcher. (Giants 20, Redskins 6)



crosses off a LOT of people in Miami, probably

Jay Cutler's only beaten the Packers once in his career. Is this a good challenge? I'm not sure. It feels extremely early. Yeah, that's a hold. As easy as the one in the Panthers game. That interception was the first good play Conte's made in about two months.

Both these defenses are going to struggle stopping the opposing offense, even on a full field after a turnover like the Bears just got. Marshall's really good at that. That was a fun video package. Oh, Randall Cobb's back, too? Another interception — that went off Nelson's hands. Good hold by the Packers defense. You've gotta catch that punt. That's not a late hit. I mean, it was late, but it wasn't a hit. Another Hester turnover on a return? What's up with that? Starks has run the ball better than Lacy today. WHAT. They all just stood there for about 20 seconds before Boykin finally jogged into the end zone. That's a fumble.






And I don't understand why that restriction even exists. Makes no logical sense. Now Jeffrey fumbles? Oh Lord. Meanwhile, the Packers have done an abysmal job with their timeouts this half. The Bears are lucky to only be down six at halftime. There's the Devin Hester we know and fear. Forte! That's a heavy dose. There's that Bears run defense. And there's that Bears pass defense. I think the shootout we anticipated is coming. Well somebody screwed that up. Jeffrey just ran away from Shields and it looks like the safety was on the other side of the field. That wasn't a touchdown? Well, that was. This Quarless play should be a catch — the ball never hit the ground. What? Eh, if y'all say so. Someone cover Forte out of the backfield please. How did that work? That pass started off heading nowhere near Marshall and he ended up catching it for a score. Nelson just made four Bears miss at the same time. How does Conte not intercept that? He's so bad. Lacy!

This Packers drive is reminding me of the Falcons' late drive earlier — a lot of time to not make a lot of progress. Fourth and 8 and the Packers have to go. TOUCHDOWN! The safeties on both of these teams would fit in nicely in the NFC East. Because they suck. Here's the thing about that extra point now, though: The Packers are only up five. Do the Bears have this in them? No. Also, fair or not, Cutler's Bears career may well be over. (Packers 33, Bears 28)


CHASE DANIEL LIVES!!!! Notice the Chargers immediately going after the ball on Knile Davis' first carry — they know he's a fumbler. A.J. Jenkins? Well that was quick. I think the Chargers responded in exactly the same manner. What happened? Oh, Allen slipped. Touchdown Chiefs? Touchdown Chiefs. I know I've said this already but Ryan Mathews has been very good this past month. Right now it looks like the Chiefs' offensive backups are better than the Chiefs' defensive backups. Looks like Daniel learned the art of the quick release from Brees — he was being bull rushed before getting off that swing pass to McCluster. We've had several Manti Te'o sightings on this drive. None of his girlfriend, though. Are the Chargers also resting their defensive starters and nobody told us? The Chiefs just went ahead again.

What is surprising to me is that there hasn't been a Raideresque flood of penalties. Keenan Allen might end up Offensive Rookie of the Year. That field goal just tied this game. Is this where the Chargers turn it on? Wait, why is Daniel on the sideline? Heck of a time to go full Wildcat, Andy. Well, now it's over. HE MISSED?!?!? Oh God. We're going to overtime.

Mike McCoy is your new God. This drive is taking forever and that's a key point. It's almost like the Chargers are playing for a field goal here, which isn't all that smart. They made it, at any rate. That pass to McCluster just put things on the borderline of interesting. This would be a great time to put Alex Smith in, am I right? Alas. crosses off Steelers


SING THE SONG. (Chargers 27, Chiefs 24, OT)


I'm scared as hell. They're nervous. Three guys jumped offsides. This isn't good so far. Fumble! RIGHT INTO Fletcher's hands. Polk catching the ball too? Don't understand calling a run on 2nd and 20 but whatever. They probably could have gone for it there. Murray just leveled Damion Square — the backup nose tackle.


That hasn't been called once all season. Why start now? The Eagles have gotten themselves into and out of some bad long situations so far. Avant! How does he concentrate on a ball that was being thrown away? Also, they are abusing this Heath kid. Touchdown. Wait, why is Romo's wife at the game and he's not? That seem odd to anyone else? That wasn't even bad coverage by Boykin but a good catch by Williams. I mean... there wasn't anyone even close to the tight end. You'd think it was Witten they'd failed to cover. It's kind of amazing the Eagles are leading this game given some of the dumb mistakes they've made. That fair catch interference on Boykin was ticky-tack as all get out. KENDRICKS! Dude's been on fire this month. And Jason Witten's too good a player to do that. Wow. Foles is good at that high arcing throw. Turnover, two plays, touchdown. There's that missing coverage again. Good hold. So a sack, followed by a big run by McCoy. Foles had McCoy on the left side on that one. And ANOTHER hard count draws the Eagles offsides. The other side of that is the Eagles have gotten no pressure. Called it, and nice play by Boykin to break that up.


Oh crap. It feels like the Eagles' offensive line has been getting bashed all night and that's what happens. Another good hold by the defense. Hmm, the Eagles have found something on this right side. Hey, Celek's open again. That was... interesting, I guess. DeSean got stuffed at the 6-inch line. Do you go for this? Oh man, somebody on the Cowboys iced the defense. They run a sneak with Foles and he doesn't even come close to making it.


Now the Cowboys have a problem on 4th and 1 from the 40. I think you go. Good job by Collinsworth pointing out the effectiveness of the hard count so far. Barwin knocks it down! He could have hauled it in and gotten some yards. Hey, a Riley Cooper sighting. Chip has gradually slowed the pace here on this drive. Hey, a Bryce Brown sighting! That drive was longer than most Eagles touchdown drives.


You know who's been good tonight is Kyle Orton. That ball to Witten was a laser. Delay of game? Seriously? That seemed sudden and yet it's so Cowboys. What? The clock operator screwed up? Oh, you can't make this stuff up. This is a home game!


Also, given my complaining about the refs earlier, I should point out that they are calling nothing on the outside. Like, Dez and Cary Williams are going to have to draw swords if they want anything called. NOOOOOOOOO!!!! Who called THAT defense? Why would you leave Chung by himself in coverage, and on Bryant, no less? Now for the two-point try. DENIED. Did Barwin get a piece of that one, too? Oh, it was Williams. That kickoff was odd on both sides. What happened there? I mean, at least Foles slid to stay inbounds. BASED PUNTING GOD.















That pick was Romo-esque. Everything after this is... well, I don't really like gravy, so let's call it the whipped cream on a McDonald's milkshake. And I leave you for now with this:


(Eagles 24, Cowboys 22)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Seattle (13-3) — Puts down another brick
2. Denver (13-3) — Three incompletions for Peyton. THREE.
3. Carolina (12-4) — Bringing the pressure cooker
4. San Francisco (12-4) — Streaking and dangerous

BOTTOM 4:
29. Oakland (4-12) — The Raiders don't matter. And that's a bad thing
30. Cleveland (4-12) — Wait... they fired Chudzinski after one year?
31. Houston (2-14) — The misery is over
32. Washington (3-13) — About to start over yet again

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Sunday, January 12, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Proof and Pudding

Signal Finder: IND @ KC, DAL @ WAS, NO @ CAR (end), DEN @ HOU (end), PIT @ GB

SPECIAL TEAMS. Charles made that look... relatively easy. For some reason Luck needed to pump-fake six times. MORE SPECIAL TEAMS. Wait, what? Vinatieri doesn't miss. They reversed that incompletion into a sack? Um, okay? And Knile Davis fumbles again. That's why Charles touches the ball 80 times a game. Donald Brown came out of a wormhole and scored on that pass. That's the second time a Colt has vanished from the Chiefs' coverage. No one was anywhere near Hilton, who would have scored on a better throw. Holy hell the Colts just got jobbed out of a fumble recovery. Why are the Chiefs calling screens? And then running the ball on 4th and short with no time outs? Succop misses! Well that balanced out nicely.
Someone got Smith's arm there, right? Oh WOW Mathis knocked the ball out of Smith's hands and Smith basically punched it downfield. Brown again! Well, it took a full quarter, but the Chiefs are trying to rally here. Until that happened. That's probably it. (Colts 23, Chiefs 7)

THIS VIDEO PACKAGE. The other thing is these are two terrible defenses. MORE SPECIAL TEAMS. How that pass wasn't intercepted I'll never know. So neither side can cover a punt? Is that it? That's the second one Moss has gotten a good runback on. This is why they're 4-10. Another Cowboys linebacker down? I think they're down. I think that's their last one. The Cowboys have run out of linebackers, which means more safeties, which means more bad defense. Was there a hold on that Murray run? That was a good ten seconds! How does no one get to Romo? Even though the pass was incomplete, no one came close. Then he JUKES a guy? Dez got both feet down. The Redskins defense just went nuclear.


And there's a bad throw by Cousins that gets intercepted.

Well that's not Romo's fault but Cowboys. And the Redskins continue to do stupid things in the red zone.

I'm not even referring to the penalty here, but to lining up in quads bunch twice after the Cowboys called time out after the first time. Remember what I just said about the Redskins doing stupid things in the red zone? So do the Cowboys, if we're being honest. Touchdown. Why not go for two there, Shanahans? You're 4-10 and getting fired. No. You're kidding me. There's no way that just happened. Burkhart, on the Redskins turning run-happy immediately: "It's almost like the Redskins are taking what should be the Cowboys' script." And this Wilcox dude makes another stupid Cowboys mistake. That keeps the drive alive and the Redskins add three points.

Orakpo being hurt could be bad if it's for any length of time. You almost forget London Fletcher was on that Rams Super Bowl team. Now Romo's limping? Oh man, Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton are both in this stadium. Gotta go for it. Who moved? FALSE. START. I'm stunned they actually converted after all that. Actually I'm not because the Redskins remain terrible defensively. My God these teams are bad. What's DeAngelo mad about? The throw wasn't even close. Now what? They're kicking it and even that was needlessly adventurous. Of course the Cowboys gave up a 3rd and 9. Romo can barely move around back there. Oh, Wilson slipped. That's why Williams was so ridiculously open. Murray just lost 10 yards on 3rd and goal at the 1. JEBUS. No one covered Murray. NO. ONE. Now we got a fight. Seriously, Murray just stood there and waited.

There's still plenty of time for the Cowboys defense to blow this. Of course, Cousins then throws three bad passes. The Cowboys are lucky the Redskins are worse. (Cowboys 24, Redskins 23)

Domenik Hixon's still alive?

(Panthers 17, Saints 13)

FROZEN TUNDRA. James Jones just took that ball away from Ike Taylor. Usually that goes in the opposite direction.So ever since the first drive, these offenses have done whatever they feel like. The Steelers didn't even think about stopping Lacy on that touchdown. I mean, it never crossed their collective mind. FAKE PUNT! Big Ben runs! What is going on right now? We got some chaos here. That ball is out.


That's a massive defensive stop by the Steelers. BLOCKED!! Unbelievable. Wait, WHAT?!?!? Is this Leon Lett again? Is that what's happening right now? Now Tomlin's challenging this. He can't challenge that? They absolutely blew this one. Oh my goodness. Clark had that ball and was down before he pitched it.

Maaaaaan, if the Steelers end up losing by less than seven I do NOT want to deal with all that. I know I've said this several times already this season but Bell may already be the Steelers' best player, which is both good and bad. And the Steelers go back on top. Let's tack on a pick-six while we're at it, sure. Now Ben's throwing odd interceptions. Hey Steelers defense: The one guy you can't let get away is Jordy Nelson. Now we're tied. Flynn fumbles! Why did the Steelers burn a time out with the clock stopped? Touchdown!

Who's this Hyde dude? That's a massive return. A false start? Seriously, Packers? That is literally out of the Cowboys-Redskins game. So that's a 10-second runoff and the Packers just screwed themselves.

Let's be honest, though: Asking Mike McCarthy to make the correct clock management decision is a lot like asking a Kardashian to split the atom. It might just take the push of a button, but do you really trust them to do that much? (Steelers 38, Packers 31)

This Week It Sucks To Be:


(Giants 23, Lions 20, OT)

So now it's the Bears with a chance to win their division. And that's not the way you want to start that game out. That punt wasn't good.Well that didn't take any time at all. Hester FUMBLED? Whoa.


Give it to Shady! Are the Bears aware of the circumstances? Celek just strolled into the end zone. Like he was taking the dog for a walk.Hey, the Eagles didn't score. Hey, the Bears got a first down! This is unbelievable. Cutler was throwing well before those back to back sacks. It's just... there are so many moving parts.


That's a bad spot but the way things look right now it won't matter. Uh-oh. Fumble? Wow that's close. Wait, what? Did Chip just break the Schwartz Rule? Overturned. Then things just hit a pothole or something. Nice punt. Nice punt coverage. That's a safety, right? Safety!


This Bears defense is utterly exhausted. Well, that's probably that. Bah. Celek fumbled? Now what? Wait, did the Bears lose yards? I could have sworn they were at midfield. Oh, right, the Trent Cole sack.


HALL & OATES! THE BALL FELL OFF THE TEE. Yeah, Trestman was planning something. The Eagles aren't even thinking about throwing the ball anymore. Polk!


Congrats to Cutler for breaking Sid Luckman's record in four years. LOL at "It's kinda sad." Bad throw, Jay. Everybody take the rest of the night off.


Let's say this: This wasn't Cutler's fault. (Eagles 54, Bears 11)

Seriously? The Raiders think they're too good for Candlestick? Always good to see Eddie DiBartolo in the house. I have to say I never liked the Stephen Jackson signing for the Falcons — just seemed like he had too many miles on him to be what they wanted him to be. Wait, Matt Ryan's already completed five passes? Kaepernick hasn't had a great year but he's played better recently. How did Ryan not cross the line of scrimmage? I mean, he didn't, but how? Nice throw and good blocking downfield. I don't know about that call. Looks like Whitner hit him clean. Touchdown.(And yes, I know I just pooh-poohed the Jackson signing. Shut it.) Sure Ryan's outplaying Kaepernick so far but the Falcons have only put one decent drive together. Until this one, that is. The 49ers can't afford to forget that the Falcons do still have Roddy White (hobbled though he may be) and Harry Douglas, as well as that Gonzalez dude. Just that quickly we're tied. The Niners needed that. That's an awful pass interference call


There's Kaepernick going up the left side again. More touchdowns. Remember when I mentioned Roddy White earlier? Did something happen on that big Hunter run that I missed? I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here. I'll tell you what: It's been a miserable season for the Falcons but they haven't quit at all. Gonzalez! What? Hmmm... probably should have been offsetting.


This is what about 98% of TV commentators don't understand. They're going onside kick even with the penalty? Hmmm. Whoa! Great play by Snelling on the onside kick! Are the Falcons actually going to pull this off? NOPE. The 49ers sent the house and somehow got to the receiver. That's it, probably.
This is the longest 1:28 ever. Harbaugh's, like, about where they place the ball for the snap. Get out, sir. This is all very unnecessary.

(49ers 34, Falcons 24)


RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Seattle (12-3) — Picked off by the Cardinals? Really?
2. Denver (12-3) — Peyton takes his record back
3. Carolina (11-4) — Cam clutch
4. San Francisco (11-4) — Farewell, palace of ruins

BOTTOM 4:
29. Oakland (4-11) — The trudge continues
30. Cleveland (4-11) — Can we just shut this down?
31. Houston (2-13) — Innocent bystanders
32. Washington (3-12) —Not-so-innocent bystanders

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Friday, January 3, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: Fables of the Reconstruction

Wait. Did the Chargers just beat Peyton Manning in Denver? (Chargers 27, Broncos 20)

Signal Finder: PHI @ MIN, NYJ @ CAR, GB @ DAL


And the Vikings' Wheel Of Quarterbacks stops on... Matt Cassel again! I just noticed Patterson's wearing his dreads in a sock. He hasn't done that before that I've seen. Missed the field goal? OK. Hey, a Greg Jennings sighting. So I'm trying to put this chair together and it's a lot more difficult than I remember. Lot of passing by the Eagles on this drive. Oh, Nick. Really?

And if that wasn't bad enough, the Vikings come back on teh next drive and do whatever they feel like doing. Then this happens:

I guess the Eagles are back to never getting calls. Is there a reason I haven't heard LeSean McCoy's name at all? Not even to talk about how we haven't heard it? I mean, I get it: the Vikings' secondary is trash. Seriously, their left cornerback today is a bag full of actual garbage. But you have to get the ball in your best player's hands. I have no idea what went wrong on that Foles interception. Looks like everyone involved screwed that up. This defense is getting torched, which may be why Chip went for it on that 4th and 1 from his own 24.


Good job holding them to three, guys. Well that took no time at all. There's the real Matt Cassel. That took even less time. Are the Eagles gonna pull this out after sucking out loud for three quarters? 'Cause that's be hilarious. This kickoff strategy has largely been rendered irrelevant by the Eagles' defense, but that last one was particularly bad.


So the Cardinals game ended up happening two weeks later. Good to know. (Vikings 48, Eagles 30)



Tom Brady: 6-6 all-time in Miami. (Dolphins 24, Patriots 20)

Since Mike Shanahan's clearly trying to get fired at this point, I think every article about him should prominently feature his Redskins win-loss record. (Falcons 27, Redskins 26)

Can the Panthers bounce back? Yeah, probably. You know who's actually been decent in this stretch is Brandon LaFell — the Panthers have been looking for a No. 2 receiver for years. These offenses are moving up and down the field with relative ease but haven't had much to show for it so far. Guys, I think DeAngelo Williams is healthy. Don't worry about it, Ron. You're playing the Jets; it's OK to kick a field goal here. I'm amazed they've gotten three points. Hold up. The Jets are using Sheldon Richardson in the Refrigerator Perry role? And it WORKED? Blocked punt! WOW. Somebody blew THAT assignment. That's happened to the Jets a few times in recent years, I believe. I think we can safely close the book on this one. (Panthers 30, Jets 20)

I expect all of the points to be scored. Every. Possible. Point. And we're well on our way — four of the first five drives have ended in scores. At least Rodgers is growing a beard in so the mustache doesn't look nearly as hideous. Interesting that one of these defenses has actually showed up today. This is the kind of game where you'd almost expect Flynn to show how he got paid and he just hasn't.


Sooooo many field goals.


And that's something you never want to say sincerely. In all seriousness, though, it's actually kind of amazing that the Cowboys don't have, say, 38 points right now. Oh look, Scandrick just got toasted. That's never happened before. And he held? Brilliant. Suddenly the Packers are only down by two touchdowns. Flynn thinks he's playing against the Lions or something. You're kidding me with this, right? The Packers score again? OK, how is that not an interception? You can't tell if that hit the ground or not. And now we have three straight penalties. Absolutely horrible throw by Romo for a touchdown to Dez.




What's being done to this Cowboys secondary would be a felony in almost any other context. Seriously, Flynn's out here trying to get paid again. Touchdown Packers and the Cowboys are jittery.


OH MY GOD.


Joe Buck is going IN on the Cowboys' play calling and rightfully so. There's no reason to do things like that when you've been running the ball as well as they have today against a bad defense. There's no way they win now, right? Nope. There it is; Lacy (who had five carries on this drive) gives the Packers the lead.



OH MY GOD AGAIN.


I mean, I'd say this was unbelievable, but... is it?








That was... special. (Packers 37, Cowboys 36)



SAFETY! No? Not a safety? Al and Cris are thinking Marvin should challenge but they (and I) can't see how he'd win it, and that's a challenge you don't make unless you're sure you can win.And even if you were sure, why would you? By not getting it, you're virtually guaranteed at least one additional point and most likely five. And there they are. You know who's good is Antonio Brown. What happened to the punter? Did he get racked? He sure did. Now Mike Nugent's taking drop kicks like he's gonna have to punt.

Underrated: The Bengals holding the Steelers to a field goal on that last drive. This has been their best sequence. Didn't expect a Dalton sneak but it worked. Touchdown! This game is going slooooooow. Look at Bell jumping over people. I remain amazed that Pacman Jones is still in the league. And here comes Nugent in to punt. That... actually wasn't a disaster. I mean, this game's already over but it's still oddly compelling. It's weird how to me, Polamalu has gone from "guy I didn't know was still on the Steelers" to "guy who's had to do everything for the Steelers on defense this year." Whoa, the Bengals are trying to get frisky. This Steelers' secondary looks like the Eagles'. Did everyone lose Marvin Jones? I'm not sure why the Bengals kicked it deep but whatever. Has any decent team blown more opportunities than the Bengals these last few years? I think we're done here. (Steelers 30, Bengals 20)

"Silver Bullet Band?" I like it. They flagged the wrong guy there — 51's the one who hit Stafford in the head.
Calvin just dropped a possible touchdown. He doesn't do that. Remember when we talked about the Ravens' one-dimensional offense and we were referring to how they ran all the time? Has Calvin not been open at any point tonight? The Lions almost blew up that 3rd and 1 pass. That's the second time these refs have called the wrong guy on  a penalty. Good stop by the Lions. Wow, Calvin with another bad drop. What's going on down there? 

So Delmas's helmet shot actually saved the Lions about 25 yards there, because Bentley was all over Brown's arm.


Tip! Interception. Penalties and turnovers, man... killing the Lions forever. And on the other side of the penalties coin, the Lions, with their reputation, will never get any calls. Whoa, Gruden's channeling his inner Van Gundy right now.


Looking at it further, it does look like Levy was tossed to the ground and his helmet hit Flacco's knee. A bad throw by Stafford costs Calvin a touchdown. Clutch leap by Pettigrew to get the first down. The Lions are starting to work the middle now. Pettigrew again! The Ravens want to challenge this? Why? Hmmm... this one looks like it was still in his elbow when the nose hit the turf. Of course, I have no idea what that actually means any more. That means it stands. OK. Hey, is this Fauria any relation to Christian? Wait, the Ravens are calling another time out? Ah, they are related. Tirico: "There was more time than this last week, and there were five scores." THAT'S what this game reminds me of. Remember how Vikings-Ravens was an utter slog until the last three minutes? A draw on 3rd and 10? And then going for it on 4th and 8? I don't get this — if you were going to go for it on 4th down, why run straight into the line on 3rd when you haven't run the ball all year? Now, after the time out, they're trying the field goal, which makes even less sense. If that was your plan, why not throw the ball on 3rd down to get closer? Harbaugh did not think this through. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Just barely made it in both dimensions. This may be too much time with three timeouts. OR NOT. Way to channel Romo, Stafford. I love the crowd cheering the personal foul like it matters. Why are the Lions sitting on their time outs? Probably because they're shell shocked. Tucker shouting out the fantasy owners! I assume he had himself also.




Also, this is what makes them the Detroit Lions. (Ravens 18, Lions 16)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Seattle (12-2) — It wasn't a week off... it just felt like one
2. Denver (11-3) — That was... disconcerting
3. Carolina (10-4) — Seizing an opening
4. (tie) Kansas City (11-3) — Who says they can't score?
4. (tie) San Francisco (10-4) — Heating up again

BOTTOM 4:
29. Cleveland (4-10) — Back in a familiar spot
30. Atlanta (4-10) — Moral victories and all that
31. Washington (3-11) — Simply embarrassing
32. Houston (2-12) — Time to start playing for jobs




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