Friday, January 3, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: Fables of the Reconstruction

Wait. Did the Chargers just beat Peyton Manning in Denver? (Chargers 27, Broncos 20)

Signal Finder: PHI @ MIN, NYJ @ CAR, GB @ DAL


And the Vikings' Wheel Of Quarterbacks stops on... Matt Cassel again! I just noticed Patterson's wearing his dreads in a sock. He hasn't done that before that I've seen. Missed the field goal? OK. Hey, a Greg Jennings sighting. So I'm trying to put this chair together and it's a lot more difficult than I remember. Lot of passing by the Eagles on this drive. Oh, Nick. Really?

And if that wasn't bad enough, the Vikings come back on teh next drive and do whatever they feel like doing. Then this happens:

I guess the Eagles are back to never getting calls. Is there a reason I haven't heard LeSean McCoy's name at all? Not even to talk about how we haven't heard it? I mean, I get it: the Vikings' secondary is trash. Seriously, their left cornerback today is a bag full of actual garbage. But you have to get the ball in your best player's hands. I have no idea what went wrong on that Foles interception. Looks like everyone involved screwed that up. This defense is getting torched, which may be why Chip went for it on that 4th and 1 from his own 24.


Good job holding them to three, guys. Well that took no time at all. There's the real Matt Cassel. That took even less time. Are the Eagles gonna pull this out after sucking out loud for three quarters? 'Cause that's be hilarious. This kickoff strategy has largely been rendered irrelevant by the Eagles' defense, but that last one was particularly bad.


So the Cardinals game ended up happening two weeks later. Good to know. (Vikings 48, Eagles 30)



Tom Brady: 6-6 all-time in Miami. (Dolphins 24, Patriots 20)

Since Mike Shanahan's clearly trying to get fired at this point, I think every article about him should prominently feature his Redskins win-loss record. (Falcons 27, Redskins 26)

Can the Panthers bounce back? Yeah, probably. You know who's actually been decent in this stretch is Brandon LaFell — the Panthers have been looking for a No. 2 receiver for years. These offenses are moving up and down the field with relative ease but haven't had much to show for it so far. Guys, I think DeAngelo Williams is healthy. Don't worry about it, Ron. You're playing the Jets; it's OK to kick a field goal here. I'm amazed they've gotten three points. Hold up. The Jets are using Sheldon Richardson in the Refrigerator Perry role? And it WORKED? Blocked punt! WOW. Somebody blew THAT assignment. That's happened to the Jets a few times in recent years, I believe. I think we can safely close the book on this one. (Panthers 30, Jets 20)

I expect all of the points to be scored. Every. Possible. Point. And we're well on our way — four of the first five drives have ended in scores. At least Rodgers is growing a beard in so the mustache doesn't look nearly as hideous. Interesting that one of these defenses has actually showed up today. This is the kind of game where you'd almost expect Flynn to show how he got paid and he just hasn't.


Sooooo many field goals.


And that's something you never want to say sincerely. In all seriousness, though, it's actually kind of amazing that the Cowboys don't have, say, 38 points right now. Oh look, Scandrick just got toasted. That's never happened before. And he held? Brilliant. Suddenly the Packers are only down by two touchdowns. Flynn thinks he's playing against the Lions or something. You're kidding me with this, right? The Packers score again? OK, how is that not an interception? You can't tell if that hit the ground or not. And now we have three straight penalties. Absolutely horrible throw by Romo for a touchdown to Dez.




What's being done to this Cowboys secondary would be a felony in almost any other context. Seriously, Flynn's out here trying to get paid again. Touchdown Packers and the Cowboys are jittery.


OH MY GOD.


Joe Buck is going IN on the Cowboys' play calling and rightfully so. There's no reason to do things like that when you've been running the ball as well as they have today against a bad defense. There's no way they win now, right? Nope. There it is; Lacy (who had five carries on this drive) gives the Packers the lead.



OH MY GOD AGAIN.


I mean, I'd say this was unbelievable, but... is it?








That was... special. (Packers 37, Cowboys 36)



SAFETY! No? Not a safety? Al and Cris are thinking Marvin should challenge but they (and I) can't see how he'd win it, and that's a challenge you don't make unless you're sure you can win.And even if you were sure, why would you? By not getting it, you're virtually guaranteed at least one additional point and most likely five. And there they are. You know who's good is Antonio Brown. What happened to the punter? Did he get racked? He sure did. Now Mike Nugent's taking drop kicks like he's gonna have to punt.

Underrated: The Bengals holding the Steelers to a field goal on that last drive. This has been their best sequence. Didn't expect a Dalton sneak but it worked. Touchdown! This game is going slooooooow. Look at Bell jumping over people. I remain amazed that Pacman Jones is still in the league. And here comes Nugent in to punt. That... actually wasn't a disaster. I mean, this game's already over but it's still oddly compelling. It's weird how to me, Polamalu has gone from "guy I didn't know was still on the Steelers" to "guy who's had to do everything for the Steelers on defense this year." Whoa, the Bengals are trying to get frisky. This Steelers' secondary looks like the Eagles'. Did everyone lose Marvin Jones? I'm not sure why the Bengals kicked it deep but whatever. Has any decent team blown more opportunities than the Bengals these last few years? I think we're done here. (Steelers 30, Bengals 20)

"Silver Bullet Band?" I like it. They flagged the wrong guy there — 51's the one who hit Stafford in the head.
Calvin just dropped a possible touchdown. He doesn't do that. Remember when we talked about the Ravens' one-dimensional offense and we were referring to how they ran all the time? Has Calvin not been open at any point tonight? The Lions almost blew up that 3rd and 1 pass. That's the second time these refs have called the wrong guy on  a penalty. Good stop by the Lions. Wow, Calvin with another bad drop. What's going on down there? 

So Delmas's helmet shot actually saved the Lions about 25 yards there, because Bentley was all over Brown's arm.


Tip! Interception. Penalties and turnovers, man... killing the Lions forever. And on the other side of the penalties coin, the Lions, with their reputation, will never get any calls. Whoa, Gruden's channeling his inner Van Gundy right now.


Looking at it further, it does look like Levy was tossed to the ground and his helmet hit Flacco's knee. A bad throw by Stafford costs Calvin a touchdown. Clutch leap by Pettigrew to get the first down. The Lions are starting to work the middle now. Pettigrew again! The Ravens want to challenge this? Why? Hmmm... this one looks like it was still in his elbow when the nose hit the turf. Of course, I have no idea what that actually means any more. That means it stands. OK. Hey, is this Fauria any relation to Christian? Wait, the Ravens are calling another time out? Ah, they are related. Tirico: "There was more time than this last week, and there were five scores." THAT'S what this game reminds me of. Remember how Vikings-Ravens was an utter slog until the last three minutes? A draw on 3rd and 10? And then going for it on 4th and 8? I don't get this — if you were going to go for it on 4th down, why run straight into the line on 3rd when you haven't run the ball all year? Now, after the time out, they're trying the field goal, which makes even less sense. If that was your plan, why not throw the ball on 3rd down to get closer? Harbaugh did not think this through. ARE YOU KIDDING ME. Just barely made it in both dimensions. This may be too much time with three timeouts. OR NOT. Way to channel Romo, Stafford. I love the crowd cheering the personal foul like it matters. Why are the Lions sitting on their time outs? Probably because they're shell shocked. Tucker shouting out the fantasy owners! I assume he had himself also.




Also, this is what makes them the Detroit Lions. (Ravens 18, Lions 16)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Seattle (12-2) — It wasn't a week off... it just felt like one
2. Denver (11-3) — That was... disconcerting
3. Carolina (10-4) — Seizing an opening
4. (tie) Kansas City (11-3) — Who says they can't score?
4. (tie) San Francisco (10-4) — Heating up again

BOTTOM 4:
29. Cleveland (4-10) — Back in a familiar spot
30. Atlanta (4-10) — Moral victories and all that
31. Washington (3-11) — Simply embarrassing
32. Houston (2-12) — Time to start playing for jobs




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