Friday, December 27, 2013

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: White Magic

Look, people. I blew off Redskins-Vikings, a game with a division rival in it. You think I'm touching this horror show with a 10-foot pole? Although this was pretty good:

The only way the Jaguars will ever live that down is to win eight Super Bowls. In a row. (Jaguars 27, Texans 20)

Signal Finder: DET @ PHI, TEN @ DEN, MIN @ BAL (end), NYG @ SD


This wasn't there this morning. It started at about 11:30 and just ESCALATED.


Burkhart: "I think that's Chip Kelly, but to be honest, I have no idea." These announcers are utterly lost. I suddenly don't foresee a lot of points being scored in this... would this be a morass? I feel like a morass would be muddier so I'll go with sludge. The Lions have already fumbled twice but the ball's not moving on the ground in this snow. Now we can see the yard line numbers because LASERS.

That's three times. That delay of game was a bad break for the Eagles. That's FOUR. And the law of averages activates! How is this getting overturned? How is ANYTHING getting overturned? That's a big-time punt. Might want to double Megatron. ANOTHER lost fumble? And the interceptionless streak ends and that was a BAD one. What happened there? Looks like it just got away from Foles. We're not going to see any field goals, are we? In fact, that touchdown may be the only points we see today. They're going for two? Wow. How'd he catch that?
Now Foles is coughing it up. Hey, a completed pass. Hey, another one! Polk! They're going on 4th and 7?
Good job, Molly McGrath. I don't know what you do. There haven't been any holes up the middle. Suh and Fairley are just too good. Well, that's that. Time to start rooting for the Bears tomorrow night. I mean... did it never snow at Autzen? Or in the Washington stadiums? Not sure how Cooper pulled that one in. Jackson! That was pretty good.


Good stop. McCoy! WHAT THE HELL JUST HAPPENED. Who had the coverage units collapsing? And the Lions' extra point gets blocked. That's... not going to make any difference. SHADY!!! And now the Eagles are lining up for two. Got it. Calvin making that diving catch would not have surprised me. What... what happened? Seriously, all of a sudden a switch was flipped and this game got good, and I'm not just talking about how the Eagles are suddenly running all over the Lions. "We can't see the goal line." IMPORTANT. Not even thinking about kicking it. Sneak! Still not even thinking about kicking it (and I might have). More bad kick coverage. That PAT attempt... was expected.

Joique Bell elevating? ANOTHER FUMBLE. It's amazing McCoy can make moves like that in these conditions. Chris Polk again?  The Packers fans joining this game now cannot begin to imagine what's transpired. Celek is SAFE! Pulled a Westbrook. Fantastic. Good job, Chip. (Eagles 34, Lions 20)


Oh  my god, the tackling on that go-ahead touchdown by Clay was pathetic. Wait, WHAT happened?
Game of inches, friends. (Dolphins 34, Steelers 28)

This is exactly why I hate the squib/pooch kick, by the way. PATTERSON! Remember who wore that number last, too.
Does anyone want the second AFC wild card? That pass interference call could be big. WHAT? Oh, we're gonna have to look at this but it might be good. That's a touchdown!



I'm pretty sure the last two minutes of this game broke the Red Zone channel. And if it didn't, nothing will. Also, there's this:
(Ravens 29, Vikings 26)

I can't keep up with these finishes. Let's rewind a bit and note that Brady played the first half like it was September again. T.J. Ward just ended the Patriots' Super Bowl hopes — they can't score enough points without Gronkowski. Heck, they can't score enough points today. This would be the greatest victory in the history of Browns 2.0 if this holds. Of course, that's a rather massive "if". Then the Patriots recovered the onside kick, because of course they did. That's... I don't know about that one, either.
Oh, God. What did Cleveland ever do to You? (Patriots 27, Browns 26)

Welcome back, John Fox. Man, Champ has barely played this year. And the Broncos have missed him the most, as you see there.But here come the Broncos like nothing's wrong. Whoa, the Broncos went for it on 4th and 1 from the 8? Who are you, and what have you done with John Fox? Covering the kickoff afterwards would help. And Chris Johnson makes it look easy. They ruled Decker down at the 2? I'd have put him at the 1. This is not a catch. And apparently that wasn't a touchdown either. Ah, there's the Fox we know and love — punting on 4th and 3 from the Titans' 40. Chris Johnson can still play, you guys. The Titans are pretty much handling the Broncos right now, which is surprising. Whoa, spoke too soon. Nice catch, Julius Thomas. Did Pollard just knock out Welker? Oh, it was 21, not 31.I was beginning to think the Pollard vs. Patriots thing was transitive. Prater's going for 64? JESUS. Showing the Dempsey highlight, he wouldn't have made that from that spot today — the goal posts were still on the end line back then. Knowshon Moreno's career rebound should give hope to Trent Richardson. Man, this Broncos secondary is struggling. They've turned this into an unexpected shootout, though Kendall Wright is having a breakout season. It's starting to get away from the Titans now. And there it went. (Broncos 51, Titans 28)


Wow, this is a demotion for the Albert/Moose/Goose crew. Eli is getting booed something fierce. That's Philly-esque. Good job, guys. Nicks needs to get back in the huddle and score a damn touchdown. Dude's sucked all year long. And then a tip leads to another Eli pick. Keenan Allen has been very good this season. I'm not sure that's reversible. They're STILL booing Eli. This is on that "Vince Carter in Toronto" tip except Eli never actually played for the Chargers. Also, screw you, Fox, for subjecting me to this gar-bahge. Offside on a missed field goal? There's your 2013 New York Football Giants, friends. Of COURSE Novak makes the second one. I don't know if I've said this yet, but the Giants stink. Pretty much all of them. It's not even halftime yet and this game may already be over. Coughlin to Goose: "This is not the same team we were last week." You lost last week, too! Wait, the Giants FORCED a turnover? What's up with Rivers? They're talking like he may have injured something but I can't tell what or how. Hillis took a week to get through that pile. Is it me or has Ryan Mathews actually been healthy all season? The Giants are trying to stay in this game. Professional pride, I'd imagine. Nicks catching that deflection is the greatest thing he's done all year. And Eli gets picked off again. They reversed it? Huh. Coughlin's all, "Please. Give me something." Only you can help you now, sir. (Chargers 37, Giants 14)


Corey Smith wearing the knit cap indoors. OK.I wonder how much material Steve Smith's saved up over the years to use tonight. Ginn just got facemasked by the PUNTER.


This drive by the Panthers seems too deliberate, especially with this field position.


Colston! Yeah, put your hands down, that's interference. Another flag? Wow the Saints offensive line does hold a lot. That one'll count. Is it just me or have the Panthers not taken a single shot downfield tonight? Prediction: This third Colston touchdown won't stand. Called it. Stunned the Saints didn't go for it on 4th down there. There's a deep ball — and Cam overthrows Olsen by 10 yards. I mean, I haven't heard Steve Smith's name at all tonight. There it is after he misses that one. Wow, he got clocked by Hawthorne. 50,000 yards! The Saints are just a different beast in this joint. Let's do this again in two weeks only better. (Panthers 31, Saints 13)

The classic Bears defense is mostly a rumor at this point. I mean, ESPN just showed someone named Benny Cunningham put up 107 on them. See it's like that.


I wouldn't kick to Hester at all tonight. Let's point out that there are actually two terrible defenses in this building tonight. The Cowboys do that a lot — have two or three guys standing around an open receiver but no one moves to cover him. Blitz! I was not expecting a stop. Is Alshon Jeffrey already the best wide receiver Steve Spurrier's ever coached? I mean, right now he's ahead of Sidney Rice and probably only behind Ike Hilliard. Seriously, what's going to happen to Jay Cutler? Not the greatest throw by McCown. AIR JOSH! He doesn't need to be doing that, though. This could be a total see-saw game. The WATER BOTTLES froze? Wow. That was pretty ridiculous. At least the weather's not so bad that these guys can still kick extra points. Wait, what actually happened to Dez? Oh, he landed on the ball. WHAT. There's no way Jeffrey stayed inbounds. Holy cow. He did. 100 touchdowns in one weekend! (For everyone, not just Jeffrey. That'd be, like, a record or something.) Forte just ran through someone. LOL at Tirico: "Terrific tackling!" Who'd he get? Oooh, Brandon Carr. And now Carr costs his team an interception with a blatant hold on a pass McCown shouldn't have thrown. Just think: He's their BEST defensive back. McCown's getting cocky now. And now Sean Lee's hurt again. The Bears are making this look easy now. Mostly because it is.


Why is the fourth quarter JUST starting? This is madness. Why are the Cowboys still running the ball down 28? Because it's working, I guess. And here comes the "Cutler's future in Chicago" questions. I don't think what McCown's doing right now is sustainable, plus he's 34 and not a long-term solution, and the Bears have a ton of other needs, especially on defense. Hey, it's Kyle Orton.


Speaking of McCown: He did this tonight. What happens if Aaron Rodgers comes back next week? (Bears 45, Cowboys 28)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Denver (11-2) — The machine regains its co-pilot
2. Seattle (11-2) — Rivalry games, man
3. New England (10-3) — Definitely getting lucky again
4. New Orleans (10-3) — Strong statement

BOTTOM 4:
29. Washington (3-10) — Simply embarrassing
30. Minnesota (3-9-1) — A rough ending
31. Atlanta (3-10) — Still fighting, but...
32. Houston (2-11) — And with that, Gary Kubiak was fired

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