Sunday, December 8, 2013

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: Closer Calls

So. How long before this gets banned? (I'm kidding. Mostly.)


I mean, at least now we know how the Falcons won the "only one team is getting a new stadium within the Atlanta city limits" battle. Though after this season, they may be rethinking their choice. Also, there was no non-gambling-related reason whatsoever for Mike Smith to decide to kick that field goal. (Saints 17, Falcons 13)


Glad you asked, Mike!

Signal Finder: NYJ @ BAL, CAR @ MIA, SD @ KC (end), MIN @ GB (end), DAL @ NYG

The Ravens are busting out Tyrod Taylor? Someone's desperate. See, I'd put him in the backfield if I were going to do this because nobody's buying Flacco split out wide. Whoa that's a late flag. And they're picking it up, as they should. That's an ugly throw under pressure by Flacco but Clark caught it. Look at it flopping up there. That's a face mask. And that's the worst hold ever, so you know it ended with a sack. The snap hit the guy in motion? That's a brand new one. And then the Ravens screw up and Flacco throws an interception right to Cromartie. Jets didn't tackle all that well on the big Dickson catch and run.

Geno looks lost out there and the Jets are disorganized. How do you need to call a time out after a challenge? WHAT IS THIS CALL. Sideline interference with the officials or something like that? Great flashback to the Jets coach tripping the Dolphins player on the sideline. Rex burning another timeout? It occurs to me that the Jets still need better offensive players. Well that's just fantastic. Of course, Dierdorf has a point — that's about where a punt would have landed, and why not take a shot deep? Ladies and gentlemen, Ed Reed in 2013. On benching Geno: If Matt Simms is your alternative, you don't have an alternative.

This is sad to watch. And after that second Graham interception, it doesn't really matter. (Ravens 19, Jets 3)

The Ted Ginn Jr. Revenge Road Tour continues. Cam's already getting hammered. An interception leads to a blocked field goal that hits a guy in the head? That's quite the inauspicious start. grabs old dishrag and Pledge I'M MIKE WALLACE! These dives for first downs are always questionable. The Dolphins had what seemed like 10 minutes to decide to challenge or no. Reversed! Challenging this Wallace catch, however, is bad.


Is the key to Ryan Tannehill to make him start at his own 2 all the time? Then he faked two guys with that hard count. Oh God... I don't think anyone saw those two Panthers players, including Tannehill and the two Panthers themselves. Nice interception to turn the tide again. So was LaFell open or not? I think he was when Cam saw him. And unnecessary roughness on top of it? How have the Dolphins not scored yet? That... that's close. The problem I'm having is these replay angles aren't the greatest and it's hard for me to see where Kuechly hits him exactly. What is the Panthers' plan on this drive? Imitating the Bengals at the end of last week's game? That was dramatic and surprising after the malaise they were in earlier. I'm stunned they got three points out of that. Jonathan Stewart's still alive? Cam did that with ease. Tannehill's all, "Hey, I can run too, you know." And that's pretty much all the yards the Dolphins got there. That field goal attempt looked bad from the jump. I've said this before but I hate these overly complicated catch rules. The Panthers are killing themselves with penalties — they've lost several big plays because of flags. They also need to go down the field. These screens and swing routes aren't working. STEVE SMITH LIVES. That personal foul didn't help the Dolphins. Remind anyone of Bucs-Jets? Tolbert twice! He didn't get in on that second one, though. Touchdown! Wallace almost catching that last deep pass is his year in a nutshell. Throw it, Tannehill! Oh, well. (Panthers 20, Dolphins 16)


Meanwhile, the Chiefs' pass rush is in the trainer's room. I was not expecting a pointsplosion in this game. Who said the Chiefs couldn't keep up in a shootout?

Is Danny Woodhead going to win this game by himself? That's twice he's been wide open in a row. Ajira-WHO? And that's a touchdown.

Worst possible time for Smith to take a sack. Sing the song? (Chargers 41, Chiefs 38)

Wait... are the Buccaneers trying to save Schiano's job? And if so, why? (Buccaneers 24, Lions 21)

Is Matt Flynn playing hero again?!? That's a pretty blatant hold on Nelson.

And now the Packers' defense is getting gashed not just by AD, but by Toby Gerhart? Is this happening? OMG Patterson just dropped the game-winner. Also worth noting: the Vikings have taken about seven minutes off the clock. We're tied again. Two minutes left and a tie is absolutely in play here. Now the Packers are crippling themselves with penalties. That incompletion may have been the best outcome. A five-yard out? And now the Packers HAVE to punt. ONE SECOND. See, I'd have thrown it up and hoped for a flag. That's amazing. Nobody wants to win the NFC North, either.


LEAVE DONOVAN ALONE. (Vikings 26, Packers 26, OT)

Can we exercise the nuclear option on Cowboys-Giants? When's the last time we had two ties in one day? Don't really like that PI call on Claiborne. Just now seeing the replay of the Cruz fumble and that's pretty funny stuff. Randle's a decent actor. Nice pass, Romo. And apparently McBride's trying to piss Dez off and get him off his game. We'll have to watch that. BREAKING: These teams aren't very good. Andre Brown goes out of bounds on a 2nd and 26 or whatever. He just did it again? You've got a defensive back in front of you! TRUCK HIM. And as Aikman said, why are they throwing it to him in the first place? LOL @ "Overtime non-thriller". I don't understand anything right now. Huh? Why are the Giants going for it?


Oh. Well that makes sense even if they didn't get it. Neither team is inspiring or scaring me during this game. That's about what happened in 49ers-Saints last week — one of those deals where the rules may suck, but you have to follow them. Still, Coughlin's going to have a heart attack. Is he trying to get thrown out? This isn't baseball. That's a hit out of bounds on Rolle. There's a lot of anger in this building right now. Five guys were standing around Witten and not one moved toward him. Like Romo was throwing to anyone else in that spot. Good job, G-men. NOBODY TOUCHED MYERS?!?! YOUR 2013 NFC EAST, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.


And what was THAT?


A tie is still in play, people. Have I mentioned the anger in this building? The Giants just doubled their rushing total for the year. Are we... WE HAVE A TIE.


That seemed like it took forever. Now let's see if the Giants can get a stop. Apparently not. Bailey better miss this. Oh well. crosses off Giants for a second time (Cowboys 24, Giants 21)


I have no idea what city that is. It's not Boston OR Foxborough. Would Franklin be watching the Grey Cup if he wasn't working tonight? I'd like to think so. Well, we won't see Ridley for the rest of the half. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Yes, I know the Patriots just fumbled. THEY FUMBLED AGAIN.And that's another Broncos touchdown. Who needs Peyton Manning, anyway? ANOTHER one? This is madness.

And this one will stand... but the return won't. Dude, we didn't need to know what hashmark it's gonna be on. Who you gonna bench now, Belichick? Now the play clock's frozen, and it may actually be frozen, like, temperature-wise. At least they held them to a field goal. Wait, didn't they already shut the play — oh, now the GAME clock's stopped working? THE TIME LORDS HAVE COME TO DESTROY US ALL. Let's also point out that Edelman mishandled that punt twice and got away with it, and how Brady was lucky to recover the fumble after that sack two plays later.


Vereen just dropped big yardage. Demariyus Thomas also just dropped big yardage. The Pats gave up a screen for a first on 3rd and 20? What's going ON down there? Collinsworth talking about the Pats trying to take away Thomas and Welker should make Eric Decker feel slighted. Or Jacob Tamme. (Or even Andre Caldwell.) It's weird hearing and seeing people invoke the 49ers game from two years ago when talking about Patriots deficits — I keep coming back to that one playoff game against the Ravens when it was 14-0 after about two minutes. (The Patriots lost.) DRC just racked himself diving for that Hail Mary. "Belichick: WE DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WELL." That's the first time we've seen Gronk aside from getting blocked off the screen on the Von Miller touchdown in the first quarter. I don't think that Edelman catch is worth a challenge. That touchdown is exactly what the Pats needed. Now the Broncos are coughing it up? These things turn fast, man. Welker getting lustily booed after that first down catch. How do you run a clip of Peyton on SNL that isn't the United Way sketch? Covering Edelman is recommended. Uh-oh. UH-OH. That pass died in the air and Ryan cut the route off. UH. OH.


Yeah, that's holding. It also just occured to me that we've barely called Demariyus tonight. And he's made two big catches since then. Peyton's made a couple strong throws — the one to Tamme on 3rd and 5 looked like it was picked. Thomas just beat Talib to tie the game.

Also, when did Quentin Jammer join the Broncos? No wonder the Chargers are so bad against the pass this year... they lost all their cornerbacks. Now Welker's back to return this punt for the first time in who knows how long. That odd floater. That's a good punt. Overtime. Wait, Brady's not one of the captains? That's weird. I'm... not sure why the Patriots aren't taking the ball first here.

Although with the new rules, maybe it changes things. Holy crap Moreno's closing in on 200? Broncos stay pulling running backs out of nowhere. Where was... oh, Decker set a pick. OK. Another good punt. Why are the Pats going to an ice-cold Bolden here? Damn, Brady's about to kill somebody. Probably should have been called, but still. Al: "There's your fertilizer chant again." For a 31-31 game we've had some fine punting. Another nice run for Moreno before he limps off.

Talib's down too? Have we seen Montee Ball since his fumble? And on cue, this Anderson kid almost scuttles it. Now I'm with Collinsworth — go downfield. Not digging all of this running now. And this is why... you've failed to take advantage of a suddenly obvious weakness and now you've forced yourself into a decision where none of the choices are all that appealing. Well, the Broncos got the stop they wanted. OH MY GOD NO. Seriously, when's the last time Welker returned punts on the regular? I wouldn't even run a play here. Kick it and get the hell out. The Broncos have their back up quarterback, who's 6-foot-8, in on the field goal defense. Well that ending SUCKED. (Patriots 34, Broncos 31, OT)



The sophomore slump is real. Very real. Oh, Manningham's back? That'll help. Well, eventually, I mean. I see the "find Boldin at all costs" plan is still in effect and working successfully. That play fake fooled no one. Aldon Smith could have just stood there and he would have busted that play up. The horrible throw and interception were just bonuses. Deep throws to Vernon Davis will be there all night long. That speed field goal was done rather well, actually. Really, the only thing that has been for the Redskins tonight, if we're being honest. Griffin is... uncomfortable... after that latest hit. That ain't the midsection, Tirico.


Wait, there was a disputed catch there? That three-and-out — particularly, the things that happened on it — are the Redskins' season in a nutshell. They're going for it? OK, scratch that last thought... that four-and-out is the Redskins' season in a nutshell. Oh man, I'm just seeing what actually happened to Griffin and that was some Suh shit.


You're not going to stop Boldin by trying to take him out. The Redskins have hitting safeties in a coverage league. How did Kaepernick find that opening? Oh, OK, I thought it was a tighter hole than it was. Still, though. The Shanahans are gonna get this kid killed


That's a good punt return. That's a spectacular play fake. No one spotted McDonald until he was 20 yards downfield. There's that .C. efense at work. (See what I did there?) I'm serious: you really have to start asking questions about Shanahan if this continues. The guy's 48-70 since 2006. Meanwhile the 49ers have three backs who can help any team in the league and Marcus Lattimore essentially redshirting. It's a good deal for him, too — rehab at the best facilities with top-level training staff. Seriously, there's a scenario where Chip Kelly is the longest-tenured coach in the NFC East next year.


Meanwhile, Aldon Smith just sacked RGIII again. No, I'm not kidding. There's another sack. There are so many things going wrong here I can't even describe or explain them all.




Why call time out? Why prolong this misery? (49ers 27, Redskins 6)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Seattle (10-1) — Top of the map... and the rankings
2. Denver (9-2) — An unfortunate stumble
3. New England (8-3) — Wait, what?
4. New Orleans (9-2) — Kicking dirt on the grave

BOTTOM 4:
29. Atlanta (2-9) — The embarrassments pile up
30. Minnesota (2-8-1) — Seriously, people?
31. Jacksonville (2-9) — Transitive property
32. Houston (2-9) — Weren't they 2-0 at one point?
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