Sunday, October 17, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Talk Up

Thursday night opens with a "classic" matchup of two teams who have seen far better days. Heinecke with a tight throw to McLaurin for a touchdown. We're... tied? OK. Clearly I'm not paying any attention to this. Jonathan Allen brings down Jones. Jones touchdown run is called back by holding. "Not much?" Really, guys? The receiver didn't let go of the defender for 10 yards. Giants settle for three. So the big Hard Knocks announcement is that they're adding an in-season edition, and the Colts will be featured in the first one. Washington forgets to cover Sterling Shepard. Then they screw up the coverage on Slayton, but he drops a touchdown in the end zone. Back to back false starts. Nice work, Blue. Jones just takes off and runs. This is field goal range? OK. Gano is GOOD from 55. 26-20 with five minutes left. Down the sideline to McKissick. Touchdown! Ricky Seals-Jones! That is a CATCH. Bradberry picks off Heinecke! Gano puts the Giants back in front with exactly two minutes left. Why are they even throwing there? I'd expect that from the other coach. First down Adam Humphries! McLaurin catch stands on review. Hopkins on from 48. Wide right! But there's a flag... Giants were offsides! They'll re-kick from 43. It's GOOD! (Washington 30, Giants 29)

When's the last time the Steelers beat the Raiders? (Raiders 26, Steelers 17)

No. Not Graham. No. That looks really bad. 49ers' running backs are falling like rain. This looks like last year's "offense." Especially the part where Hurts never did anything in the second half. Is Doug calling plays again? (49ers 17, Eagles 11) Good God. Enjoy last week, Texans fans. You're not winning another game this season. (Browns 31, Texans 21) On the road? I think I would have, too. How is that not a safety, though? If you're the Seahawks, you have to make sure this punt isn't fielded under any circumstances, right? Well, so much for that. Henry gets a first down and it's all over but the shouting. (Titans 33, Seahawks 30, OT)

Touchdown! Or not, as the Chargers get flagged for an illegal shift. Announcers saw the taunting first. Steratore comes on and says that the Cowboys took the five-yard illegal shift penalty because they'd have had to accept the touchdown otherwise, which no sane coach would do. Not even McCarthy. Then Herbert gets rushed back and throws it away.

They called him in the grasp? Nobody likes that, including me. Longer-than-expected field goal ties it. When's the last time the Emmys were on CBS? This drive's had three big plays and the Cowboys are still on their side of the field. Not any more! Cooper hurt? Cowboys waste time with a run on second down, then don't call time out until four seconds are left. Mike McCarthy, ladies and gentlemen! Zeurlein for 56. It's... GOOD! God, the poor Chargers. (Cowboys 20, Chargers 17) Did Leif Ericson burn down a treeline full of bird nests or something? (Cardinals 34, Vikings 33)

SPACE ELEVATOR.

Ray Lewis comes out of the tunnel. Al jokes that the Ravens may have to activate him in a couple weeks. Lamar overthrows Hollywood. HONEY BADGER PICK SIX. Extra point CLANGS through and it's good. BIG run by new Raven Devonta Freeman. Williams fumbles the ball into the air, but Duvernay's right there, catches it, and takes it in. Tied at 7. DRIP MONTAGE. Didn't Frank Clark basically replace Justin Houston in Kansas City? Hot take: Hardman is the Chiefs' best wide receiver. Touchdown Robinson! I was sure that ball was gonna be overthrown. Poor read by Lamar leads to another Mathieu interception. Gotta cover Hollywood, guys. This isn't great tackling on this Kelce catch. Is he gonna score? Seriously? Gotta credit the blocking on that, too. Lamar decides to do it himself. Two-point try gets picked off. I admire the Ravens' unwavering commitment to running the ball no matter the circumstances. Touchdown! Ravens lead! PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. The Chiefs still have two time outs, which is a minor miracle. Third down pass falls short. Fourth and 1. Collinsworth suggests that the Ravens may go for it. They do! Jackson sneak picks it up! He's finally beaten the Chiefs. (Ravens 36, Chiefs 35)

MANNINGCAST. Jamaal Williams switched sides? Big pass play from Goff to -- what is this man's name? Cephus? Quintin Cephus -- that Peyton says wasn't anywhere close to the first read. Touchdown Lions, who lost all of their wide receivers last offseason. They could have shown Eli while he was talking about the touchdown. Clearly there's still some technical things to work out. Brett Favre's here. On the Manningcast, not at the game.

The Lions somehow have the lead at halftime? Huh. Rodgers to Adams for 50! Touchdown Tonyan! Lions go for it. Peyton wants them to run. They don't, and the pass is broken up. Peyton's not happy about it. Lions drop an interception after forcing Rodgers to throw into triple coverage. Rodgers comes back with a completion across the middle to Adams on almost a jump pass. Peyton: "I'm jealous of Aaron Rodgers." Rodgers finds Jones for the touchdown. Patrick Willis lives! He joins the brothers to break down the touchdown pass. Fumble? Fumble! Goff can't handle the snap and the Packers recover. Rain's coming down even harder as the fourth quarter begins. No one really likes this DPI call. Touchdown Jones. 35-17. Now Pat McAfee joins the show and asks why would anyone not want Aaron Rodgers' opinion on how things are run? ESPN flashes that Dan Campbell is the only one of the 539 players Bill Parcells coached to become a head coach himself. McAfee asks where Arch Manning (Cooper's son) is going, and Peyton says something about West Virginia, which seems like settling. (Packers 35, Lions 17)
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Sunday, October 10, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: Unidirectional

Drew Brees AND Maria Taylor join the pregame. We're getting back to peak late-2000s levels of too many people on this show. Look at all that smoke. And that's just gonna add more! That's a hell of a punt. Someone blew a coverage on that Cooper catch. Two big catches by Antonio Brown back to back. Al: "Went to Oakland for about 20 minutes."

Bucs now at the Cowboys' 6. Touchdown Godwin. How much did Subway pay Brady to do that? Dak looks fine so far. "The Cowboys want Elliott and Pollard to split more carries" because Zeke was absolutely terrible last season. It's OK to say it! Sick sideline catch by Gallup. Touchdown Lamb! Gronk catches a touchdown pass with two teammates in the area. I actually thought Godwin caught it at first. Now he's doing crypto ads? Dude, it's OK for your wife to make more money than you. And she's in the ad too! This doesn't close the gap, my man! Dak scramble! Super-long FG is... no good? Brady Hail Mary is intercepted. Somebody stop him! Jourdan Lewis is brought down at the Bucs' 40 but it's halftime, and it's 21-16 Bucs. Toledo-Notre Dame is a Peacock exclusive? L. O. L.

And he almost missed it! Is Legatron washed? Carlton Davis picks off Dak after a terrible decision on his part. On replay, it went through Lamb's hands. Brady finds Gronk in the seam on 3rd and 6 and Gronk finds the end zone. 28-19 Bucs. Touchdown Cooper but he might be hurt. He's slow to get up. Dak has 47 pass attempts through three quarters? What the hell, McCarthy? FUMBLE! Godwin loses it and it goes into the end zone! Lewis brings it out, which turns out to be a mistake, as it costs the Cowboys eight yards in the end. Bum rush by Vita Vea forces an incompletion. Yeah, that's not a fumble. Holding on Tyron Smith takes away a big gain. Two minute warning. Lamb! Cooper's not going to be a Cowboy next season, and it's largely because of that dude. Fourth down with 1:26 left and Zeurlein's on for a 47-yarder. This is too much time no matter the result. It's good! Mike Evans having a rough night. False start on the quarterback? Bucs spend their last time out to save 10 seconds. Gronk powers across midfield. Lewis slips and Godwin makes the catch at the 18! Did he push off? Kinda? But it also looked like Lewis initiated that contact. Brady just throwing it away at will now. Succop comes on. It's GOOD! Al: "Brady will go home and celebrate with a rhubarb souffle." What? (Buccaneers 31, Cowboys 29)

I have zero expectations for this season. The Eagles aren't good and it's best long-term if they remain not good. Devonta Smith's first catch going for a touchdown is the kind of thing we're rooting for this year. This Falcons' offense has died. (I didn't like their offseason strategy — I would have traded down from 4 and restocked the defense. With Brees retiring and Brady a year older, I thought there might be an opening to make one last run with Ryan and Julio Jones. Of course, I didn't know Jones wanted out, either.) The best news here is that an 0-6 start — which was entirely possible given the Eagles' schedule — is now an impossibility. (Eagles 32, Falcons 6)

That's such a Bengals way to lose. (Bengals 27, Vikings 24, OT)

How does that post-game conversation between Sam Darnold and Zach Wilson go? What does Darnold say? "I got out, kid. You can, too"? (Panthers 19, Jets 14)

This is not a good omen for the Jaguars. (Texans 37, Jaguars 21)

Did the Packers go to New Orleans by mistake? This may be the best football that stadium sees all year. Georgia-Florida might be second. (Saints 38, Packers 3)

Strange choice for the Sunday night opener. I can't believe someone actually signed Jason Peters. Andy Dalton, everybody! And the Rams score in three plays. Doing great. The Bears making the playoffs last year was the worst thing that could have happened. If they hadn't, I have to think they'd have at least a new coach, if not a new general manager as well. Dalton is sacked and fumbles and this may be Fields's job sooner than we think. Bears come back with a touchdown to end the half and are fortunate to be down six instead of 10. And now they're down 13. We're seeing the difference between these two offenses. Fields in for the fourth(?) time tonight. Fake to a shovel pass fools no one. Jimmy Graham lives? Fields keeper! Touchdown Bears! HIGBEE. This Kupp catch won't be a touchdown. Just delaying the inevitable, really. Why wouldn't the Bears run a play on 4th and 15, Al? (Rams 34, Bears 14)

Raiders get the ball first. Mariota is in on the third play and takes off for 30-plus before taking a SHOT. Josh Jacobs is slow to get up after a catch. Tackle Good is also being helped off. Bad snap on 3rd and 17 and Carr just falls on it. I wonder where Ty'Son Williams started on the preseason depth chart. Touchdown for Hollywood Brown, who I'm not sure can find the next level he needs in this passing scheme. Raiders finally get something going and Jacobs cashes in. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Harbaugh can signal "down" all he wants but that's a fumble. Jacobs picks up a big first down. Then he'll score and we're tied with nine minutes left. Gerald McCoy's a Raider? Latavius Murray ties the game. How does Waller break away from two potential tacklers? We're tied again! Lamar takes off for 28 against a zone. Tucker hits. There's time left. Carlson from 55. It's GOOD! We got OT. Edwards with a really good sideline catch. Touchdown? Touchdown! Wait, his knee's down. Ball at the 1. Carr sneak doesn't get there. A false start on the opponents' 1? That's SO Raiders. INTERCEPTION! That went through Snead's hands (an ex-Raven, no less), off DeShawn Elliott's HELMET, and Averett ended up with it. Lamar gets flattened. Ball out? Ball out! Raiders have it!

They run one play and send Carlson out on 2nd and 9 with 3:55 left. They run out of time and take a delay of game. Now the offense is back out. Carr throws up a duck... and Zay Jones is all alone on the far side! Touchdown Raiders, who outsmarted everyone on that play.

That's what happens when you combine Gruden's Gruden-ness with Harbaugh's worst tendencies. (Raiders 33, Ravens 27, OT)

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