Sunday, October 10, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: Unidirectional

Drew Brees AND Maria Taylor join the pregame. We're getting back to peak late-2000s levels of too many people on this show. Look at all that smoke. And that's just gonna add more! That's a hell of a punt. Someone blew a coverage on that Cooper catch. Two big catches by Antonio Brown back to back. Al: "Went to Oakland for about 20 minutes."

Bucs now at the Cowboys' 6. Touchdown Godwin. How much did Subway pay Brady to do that? Dak looks fine so far. "The Cowboys want Elliott and Pollard to split more carries" because Zeke was absolutely terrible last season. It's OK to say it! Sick sideline catch by Gallup. Touchdown Lamb! Gronk catches a touchdown pass with two teammates in the area. I actually thought Godwin caught it at first. Now he's doing crypto ads? Dude, it's OK for your wife to make more money than you. And she's in the ad too! This doesn't close the gap, my man! Dak scramble! Super-long FG is... no good? Brady Hail Mary is intercepted. Somebody stop him! Jourdan Lewis is brought down at the Bucs' 40 but it's halftime, and it's 21-16 Bucs. Toledo-Notre Dame is a Peacock exclusive? L. O. L.

And he almost missed it! Is Legatron washed? Carlton Davis picks off Dak after a terrible decision on his part. On replay, it went through Lamb's hands. Brady finds Gronk in the seam on 3rd and 6 and Gronk finds the end zone. 28-19 Bucs. Touchdown Cooper but he might be hurt. He's slow to get up. Dak has 47 pass attempts through three quarters? What the hell, McCarthy? FUMBLE! Godwin loses it and it goes into the end zone! Lewis brings it out, which turns out to be a mistake, as it costs the Cowboys eight yards in the end. Bum rush by Vita Vea forces an incompletion. Yeah, that's not a fumble. Holding on Tyron Smith takes away a big gain. Two minute warning. Lamb! Cooper's not going to be a Cowboy next season, and it's largely because of that dude. Fourth down with 1:26 left and Zeurlein's on for a 47-yarder. This is too much time no matter the result. It's good! Mike Evans having a rough night. False start on the quarterback? Bucs spend their last time out to save 10 seconds. Gronk powers across midfield. Lewis slips and Godwin makes the catch at the 18! Did he push off? Kinda? But it also looked like Lewis initiated that contact. Brady just throwing it away at will now. Succop comes on. It's GOOD! Al: "Brady will go home and celebrate with a rhubarb souffle." What? (Buccaneers 31, Cowboys 29)

I have zero expectations for this season. The Eagles aren't good and it's best long-term if they remain not good. Devonta Smith's first catch going for a touchdown is the kind of thing we're rooting for this year. This Falcons' offense has died. (I didn't like their offseason strategy — I would have traded down from 4 and restocked the defense. With Brees retiring and Brady a year older, I thought there might be an opening to make one last run with Ryan and Julio Jones. Of course, I didn't know Jones wanted out, either.) The best news here is that an 0-6 start — which was entirely possible given the Eagles' schedule — is now an impossibility. (Eagles 32, Falcons 6)

That's such a Bengals way to lose. (Bengals 27, Vikings 24, OT)

How does that post-game conversation between Sam Darnold and Zach Wilson go? What does Darnold say? "I got out, kid. You can, too"? (Panthers 19, Jets 14)

This is not a good omen for the Jaguars. (Texans 37, Jaguars 21)

Did the Packers go to New Orleans by mistake? This may be the best football that stadium sees all year. Georgia-Florida might be second. (Saints 38, Packers 3)

Strange choice for the Sunday night opener. I can't believe someone actually signed Jason Peters. Andy Dalton, everybody! And the Rams score in three plays. Doing great. The Bears making the playoffs last year was the worst thing that could have happened. If they hadn't, I have to think they'd have at least a new coach, if not a new general manager as well. Dalton is sacked and fumbles and this may be Fields's job sooner than we think. Bears come back with a touchdown to end the half and are fortunate to be down six instead of 10. And now they're down 13. We're seeing the difference between these two offenses. Fields in for the fourth(?) time tonight. Fake to a shovel pass fools no one. Jimmy Graham lives? Fields keeper! Touchdown Bears! HIGBEE. This Kupp catch won't be a touchdown. Just delaying the inevitable, really. Why wouldn't the Bears run a play on 4th and 15, Al? (Rams 34, Bears 14)

Raiders get the ball first. Mariota is in on the third play and takes off for 30-plus before taking a SHOT. Josh Jacobs is slow to get up after a catch. Tackle Good is also being helped off. Bad snap on 3rd and 17 and Carr just falls on it. I wonder where Ty'Son Williams started on the preseason depth chart. Touchdown for Hollywood Brown, who I'm not sure can find the next level he needs in this passing scheme. Raiders finally get something going and Jacobs cashes in. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Harbaugh can signal "down" all he wants but that's a fumble. Jacobs picks up a big first down. Then he'll score and we're tied with nine minutes left. Gerald McCoy's a Raider? Latavius Murray ties the game. How does Waller break away from two potential tacklers? We're tied again! Lamar takes off for 28 against a zone. Tucker hits. There's time left. Carlson from 55. It's GOOD! We got OT. Edwards with a really good sideline catch. Touchdown? Touchdown! Wait, his knee's down. Ball at the 1. Carr sneak doesn't get there. A false start on the opponents' 1? That's SO Raiders. INTERCEPTION! That went through Snead's hands (an ex-Raven, no less), off DeShawn Elliott's HELMET, and Averett ended up with it. Lamar gets flattened. Ball out? Ball out! Raiders have it!

They run one play and send Carlson out on 2nd and 9 with 3:55 left. They run out of time and take a delay of game. Now the offense is back out. Carr throws up a duck... and Zay Jones is all alone on the far side! Touchdown Raiders, who outsmarted everyone on that play.

That's what happens when you combine Gruden's Gruden-ness with Harbaugh's worst tendencies. (Raiders 33, Ravens 27, OT)

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