Signal Finder: OAK @ TB, NYG @ MIN, CAR @ NO (end), DAL @ PHI, MIA @ NYJ
I wonder if Gannon's having flashbacks. Ah, same old Raiders. Why is one of your offensive lineman getting blocked so hard by Ronde Barber it puts him on the ground? *cringes* Oh my God. Poor Cadillac. Thanks to CBS's superior sound, you can hear him screaming "Are you fucking kidding me?" after he grabs his knee there. Going for it's the right call even if they don't make it. Of course, you then must prevent that at all costs. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. How are the Bucs just letting the Raiders run all over them here? This should never have happened. crosses off Buccaneers (Raiders 31, Buccaneers 24)
I have no idea why the Vikings didn't punt before the end of the half. They do still need to win this game if only to prove something to themselves. David Carr what? Berrian just ran right by whoever that was. Wow, a Mario Manningham sighting. That ending was a train wreck. Good thing it worked. (Vikings 20, Giants 19)
Did anyone see the pre-game footage from Patriots-Bills with the goal posts literally swaying in the wind? And the field goal Lindell missed that got blown across the end zone? Given the latest possible Brady news, you have to wonder what's next for the Patriots. Oh, and by the way, the Super Bowl losers' curse? Alive and well. (Patriots 13, Bills 0)
What Jerry Jones doesn't realize is that the reason everybody kept asking him about Wade's status all week is that nobody believes him when he says he's not firing him. Astoundingly, everything's broken right for the Eagles... let's see what happens now. Oops. Yeah, that was probably a fumble. What's with the Eagles giving up all these third down conversions? Classic McNabb right there on the big pass to Buckhalter. Sneak it! Ding. Good job, Pacman! Wait, did the Eagles just score again? That's the first time I've heard Chris Clemons' name mentioned all year. Here come the Cowboys again, though I don't think they've got much left. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Did that really just happen again? This is an absolute massacre. How do you go an entire week knowing what's at stake and show up and do this? That speaks to leadership and character - or, in this case, the lack of. In retrospect, Folk kicking off out of bounds to start the game should have been an omen. PLAYOFFS? DON'T TALK ABOUT... oh, no. Oh no no no no no. Let's talk about playoffs. This is nothing short of unbelievable. Hey, Jerry, you might want to rethink that "our coaching staff is in place" thing. Or not. I don't mind. (Eagles 44, Cowboys 6)
Pennington doesn't seem like the vengeful type. The hell are they going for two there for? GUNSLINGER. Y'know, it'd be nice if Thomas Jones showed up, what with being the AFC's leading rusher and all, you'd think he'd produce in a game of this magnitude or something. Seriously, I'm watching this game and I can't figure out how the Jets got to 17 points in the first place. Geez, Brett. That one was worse than the one you threw in overtime of the Fourth And 26 Game. I've given up trying to figure out if this is it for him or not. On the flip side, who says you can't fire the players? The Dolphins brought in, what, 24 new ones or something like that? (Dolphins 24, Jets 17)
There's some serious dislike developing here. This is brutal. The Broncos' defense couldn't stop us at this point. Not to mention the fact that they'd have to find Sammy Winder's phone number if the season was two weeks longer. Slight miscommunication by the Chargers on the Manumaleuna touchdown. Well, there's some life from Denver. Ah, never mind. Didn't we JUST see this? crosses off Broncos Understand this: Mike Shanahan will never be fired. But if he was ever going to be fired, it would be after this debacle. Seriously, have this many teams ever folded like this at the end of a season in the history of sports? Johnny: "Better get the band warmed up - they have a song they'd like to play for us." (Chargers 52, Broncos 21)
RANKINGS:
1. Tennessee (13-3) - Rest and wait
2. N.Y. Giants (12-4) - Even their backups give 100%
3. Carolina (12-4) - No longer sneaky, just good
(tie) Indianapolis (12-4) - Seriously, y'all don't want NONE of this
30. Kansas City (4-12) - Herm's watching the clock
31. Cleveland (4-12) - They scored one touchdown in their last six games! One! That's almost impossible!
32. Detroit (0-16) - Well, at least they still have the Red Wings
Tuesday, December 30, 2008
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Unsteady Hand
Apparently what happened at the end was the Cowboys were set up for an onside kick and the Ravens called a time out, then the Cowboys decided to kick it deep, which was... probably not the optimal strategy. Philly.com commenter: "We complain about our QB not being able to win big games; Romo can't even get out of December." (Ravens 33, Cowboys 24)
Signal Finder: PIT @ TEN, AZ @ NE, MIA @ KC (end), PHI @ WAS
PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Especially down there, Ben. You're better than that. Of course, he's getting no help from his offensive line again, which may well be what sinks them in the end. As usual, he rallies well, though. I'm not sure holding the football out with Troy Polamalu anywhere near you is a good idea. Simms brings up the valid point that the Steelers may just be beat up after a season with really no easy games (well, except the Bengals). That may have been the slowest interception return ever. Considering the history the Steelers have had hosting the AFC title game, this result may actually be for the best. (Titans 31, Steelers 14)
Yeah, so this 'Cardinals winning their first division title in 51 years' thing... I'm thinking that's as far as it goes. (Patriots 47, Cardinals 7)
I Have GOT To Get Out Of This Business, Part XII: I mean, it's bad enough that Rod Marinelli hasn't won a game this year, that he's coaching a team with exactly one good player, and that he's going to join the ranks of Detroit's unemployed at approximately 4:45 p.m. EST on Sunday. But he doesn't also need to deal with idiocy like this. There's a way to ask that question - and at its base, it is a somewhat legitimate question - without turning it into an unnecessary personal attack. At least no one will read about it. (Saints 42, Lions 7)
I don't think we'll be seeing that Mike Singletary Coors Light commercial any time soon. (49ers 17, Rams 16)
I think Zorn's being a little too hard on himself... the Redskins were never 6-2 good, but they're not as bad as the team that lost to the Bengals last week. Have the Eagles ever stopped Portis? I mean, ever? You know what this looks like? The bastard child of the 2003 NFC title game against Tampa Bay and the 2004 NFC title game against Carolina. Here's what I said in 2003: "I don't know, everyone's gonna be ripping Reid's game plan tomorrow, but the Eagles couldn't even get that right." And here's what I said after '04: "When a dozen catchable balls hit the ground, you NEED to lose." And yet... they're still one good drive from tying this game. Are the Redskins gonna blow this? Really, guys? Caught! Did he get... no, not even close. They're gonna run out of... yep. This should never have happened. (Redskins 10, Eagles 3)
Seriously, let's give it up one time for the Atlanta Falcons. (Falcons 24, Vikings 17)
Already you see how having Jacobs back makes a huge difference for the Giants. Problem is, the Panthers can play the same game even though they only have two guys. They're just going back and forth on each other. Seems like one of those nights where the last team to score will win, but with the twist that no passes will be thrown. Scratch that 'no passes will be thrown' bit. It's amazing that Ross almost had a play on that after falling down 40 yards back. The Giants cannot stop the Panthers' running game. That should be cause for concern. Wow. Just as the Giants had tightened up defensively in the second half, Williams breaks that one off. There's plenty of time left, but that could hurt. Unless, of course, Ward takes over. And we haven't seen Bradshaw at all tonight. This might be a little too long a try. Aaaaand he missed! TOUCHDOWN after about six second-effort tries. This was good stuff right here. (Giants 34, Panthers 28, OT)
Frozen tundra of Soldier Field, anyone? Two degrees is a record low for a Bears home game? That's actually hard to believe. Ron Winter being the referee is amazing. Apparently the Bears' offense has also been frozen. I thought the name "Amy Freeze" rang a bell... she used to work here. Rodgers looks too comfortable against a Bears defense, while Orton's doing his best Rex impression again. A Matt Flynn sighting? Nice throw on the touchdown to Olsen - the Bears needed that. The Packers just caught another break with the Collins interception and then proceeded to waste it. It's the Matt Forte show! And the Packers' defense fails in the fourth quarter yet again. Wait, how... oh, they blocked it? Wow. (Bears 20, Packers 17, OT)
FANTASY REPORT
JackSux 5: Yeah, we finished... seventh again.
RANKINGS
1. Tennessee (13-2) - They might regret that towel stunt
2. N.Y. Giants (12-3) - Back on track
3. Carolina (11-4) - Showed mettle in loss
30. Cleveland - Seriously, CEDRIC BENSON?! I mean, it was one thing when Jamal Lewis did it...
31. St. Louis (2-13) - Blew best shot at win they've had all year
32. Detroit (0-15) - Seriously, what's left to say?
----------------
Now playing: De La Soul - Ego Trippin' (Part Two)
via FoxyTunes
Signal Finder: PIT @ TEN, AZ @ NE, MIA @ KC (end), PHI @ WAS
PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Especially down there, Ben. You're better than that. Of course, he's getting no help from his offensive line again, which may well be what sinks them in the end. As usual, he rallies well, though. I'm not sure holding the football out with Troy Polamalu anywhere near you is a good idea. Simms brings up the valid point that the Steelers may just be beat up after a season with really no easy games (well, except the Bengals). That may have been the slowest interception return ever. Considering the history the Steelers have had hosting the AFC title game, this result may actually be for the best. (Titans 31, Steelers 14)
Yeah, so this 'Cardinals winning their first division title in 51 years' thing... I'm thinking that's as far as it goes. (Patriots 47, Cardinals 7)
I Have GOT To Get Out Of This Business, Part XII: I mean, it's bad enough that Rod Marinelli hasn't won a game this year, that he's coaching a team with exactly one good player, and that he's going to join the ranks of Detroit's unemployed at approximately 4:45 p.m. EST on Sunday. But he doesn't also need to deal with idiocy like this. There's a way to ask that question - and at its base, it is a somewhat legitimate question - without turning it into an unnecessary personal attack. At least no one will read about it. (Saints 42, Lions 7)
I don't think we'll be seeing that Mike Singletary Coors Light commercial any time soon. (49ers 17, Rams 16)
I think Zorn's being a little too hard on himself... the Redskins were never 6-2 good, but they're not as bad as the team that lost to the Bengals last week. Have the Eagles ever stopped Portis? I mean, ever? You know what this looks like? The bastard child of the 2003 NFC title game against Tampa Bay and the 2004 NFC title game against Carolina. Here's what I said in 2003: "I don't know, everyone's gonna be ripping Reid's game plan tomorrow, but the Eagles couldn't even get that right." And here's what I said after '04: "When a dozen catchable balls hit the ground, you NEED to lose." And yet... they're still one good drive from tying this game. Are the Redskins gonna blow this? Really, guys? Caught! Did he get... no, not even close. They're gonna run out of... yep. This should never have happened. (Redskins 10, Eagles 3)
Seriously, let's give it up one time for the Atlanta Falcons. (Falcons 24, Vikings 17)
Already you see how having Jacobs back makes a huge difference for the Giants. Problem is, the Panthers can play the same game even though they only have two guys. They're just going back and forth on each other. Seems like one of those nights where the last team to score will win, but with the twist that no passes will be thrown. Scratch that 'no passes will be thrown' bit. It's amazing that Ross almost had a play on that after falling down 40 yards back. The Giants cannot stop the Panthers' running game. That should be cause for concern. Wow. Just as the Giants had tightened up defensively in the second half, Williams breaks that one off. There's plenty of time left, but that could hurt. Unless, of course, Ward takes over. And we haven't seen Bradshaw at all tonight. This might be a little too long a try. Aaaaand he missed! TOUCHDOWN after about six second-effort tries. This was good stuff right here. (Giants 34, Panthers 28, OT)
Frozen tundra of Soldier Field, anyone? Two degrees is a record low for a Bears home game? That's actually hard to believe. Ron Winter being the referee is amazing. Apparently the Bears' offense has also been frozen. I thought the name "Amy Freeze" rang a bell... she used to work here. Rodgers looks too comfortable against a Bears defense, while Orton's doing his best Rex impression again. A Matt Flynn sighting? Nice throw on the touchdown to Olsen - the Bears needed that. The Packers just caught another break with the Collins interception and then proceeded to waste it. It's the Matt Forte show! And the Packers' defense fails in the fourth quarter yet again. Wait, how... oh, they blocked it? Wow. (Bears 20, Packers 17, OT)
FANTASY REPORT
JackSux 5: Yeah, we finished... seventh again.
RANKINGS
1. Tennessee (13-2) - They might regret that towel stunt
2. N.Y. Giants (12-3) - Back on track
3. Carolina (11-4) - Showed mettle in loss
30. Cleveland - Seriously, CEDRIC BENSON?! I mean, it was one thing when Jamal Lewis did it...
31. St. Louis (2-13) - Blew best shot at win they've had all year
32. Detroit (0-15) - Seriously, what's left to say?
----------------
Now playing: De La Soul - Ego Trippin' (Part Two)
via FoxyTunes
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: House Money Plays
Signal Finder: BUF @ NYJ, TB @ ATL, TEN @ HOU (end), PIT @ BAL
Part of the problem is that the Jets can't tackle Lynch. Which is good for the Bills since Losman really hasn't been very good at all. GUNSLINGER. Who am I talking about there? That kickoff return TD getting called back is a killer. And that Jackson touchdown is a crusher. Man, the Jets fans have absolutely turned on them. Listen to those boos. What the... why is Losman dropping back to pass? Lynch was running through the Jets' defense like it was butter. Sweet Jebus. MIRACLE AT THE MEADOWLANDS 3. (This is 2, because you're going to ask.) Oh, the referee got clocked during the scrum? I wondered what was going on there when Gumbel remarked on him and Favre joking around on the sidelines afterward. This should never have happened. (Jets 31, Bills 27)
Are these signs of life from the Chargers? And does it matter? (Chargers 22, Chiefs 21)
Bad move going for it there, Fisher. That's an easy field goal. Then there was that weird explanation about how he took the wind in the third quarter when he should have taken it in the fourth and he lost me. I mean, maybe it's not that easy a field goal, but I think you can get away with running the ball instead of throwing a medium fly pattern to a receiver who's not very good from a quarterback who's having a bad day. (Texans 13, Titans 12)
I mean... the Lions have been in these games. They just don't have any talent. (Colts 31, Lions 21)
This game got switched on us from Redskins-Bengals and huzzah to that. The announcers calling the Bryant touchdown before it happened - is that good or bad? I didn't expect the Bucs to get run on as badly again as they are today after Monday night. Turner's made life so much easier for Ryan it's not even funny. Wow, they just completely whiffed and missed the guy who blocked that punt. I guess the Falcons are ready to go to overtime. And there's the "contractually we can only keep you here until 4:15" speech, but it might not matter as this has been the fastest overtime ever. It's GOOD. A lot of NFC contenders are very unhappy right now. For the Falcons to look as sloppy as they did and still win is... something. I'm just not sure what. (Falcons 13, Buccaneers 10, OT)
crosses off Redskins (Bengals 20, Redskins 13)
The return game may well be the best weapon to counteract either of these defenses. I'm sure Nantz got it, Phil; he just chose not to acknowledge it. And now you're gonna leave him hanging? "We don't have time." This game is going basically exactly as expected. Really? Ed Reed didn't run that back for a score? I'm stunned. That's a great job by the Steelers to only give up a field goal there. 9-6 seems about right, doesn't it? Look at this drive. That might be the shortest big catch Nate Washington's ever made. How many clutch catches has Ward made in this game. This is "The Drive", isn't it? Didn't that start at the 8? Also these are the old Browns. WHY ARE YOU SPIKING THE BALL?? Wow. Really? I think he's in. Oh, I didn't notice the ball itself; I just thought his feet touched in the end zone. And they change the call. TOUCHDOWN. Harbaugh is displeased. Would they have gone for it on fourth and six inches or whatever? Would you have gone for it? (Steelers 13, Ravens 9)
Way to get the fans back on your side, T.O. Seriously, why has no one ever told him to shut the fuck up? Eli is getting killed out there. Romo's not feeling all that well himself. Can anybody run the ball tonight? Seriously, Eli's getting crushed. I think we've learned that the Giants can't survive without both Burress and Jacobs. See? Winning DOES solve everything. (Cowboys 20, Giants 8)
That's a good start. On one hand, it's nice to see Ken Dorsey getting work. On the other hand, Brian Sipe is two phone calls away. Donte' Stallworth LIVES. See, this is the other thing with Reid and this has always been true: He'll try to get too cute sometimes and end up outsmarting himself. (That said, a better throw and we're not bringing this up.) That's why we pay Samuel the big money. Again with bad things happening right before halftime. This might be the first game all season Braylon Edwards hasn't dropped a pass. How did Lewis get that wide open? Expectations this year for the Browns were, I thought, unrealistic, but they should be better than this. I mean, how do you not score a touchdown in a month even by accident? Well there's one. Put in A.J.! The Eagles could have easily scored 45. (Eagles 30, Browns 10)
FANTASY REPORT
JackSux 5: We have a consolation bracket? Why do we have a consolation bracket? Seriously, I just found this by accident. Not much has changed, though, as the Seagulls still can't score points to save their lives. Up with the big boys, it's Johnny vs. Rob for the title.
RANKINGS
1. Tennessee (12-2) - They certainly didn't need that
2. Pittsburgh (11-3) - Things are officially interesting in the AFC
3. N.Y. Giants (11-3) - Two straight stinkers
30. St. Louis (2-12) - Late-game meltdown was vintage Haslett
31. Kansas City (2-12) - Growing pains, indeed
32. Detroit (0-14) - I got nothin'
Part of the problem is that the Jets can't tackle Lynch. Which is good for the Bills since Losman really hasn't been very good at all. GUNSLINGER. Who am I talking about there? That kickoff return TD getting called back is a killer. And that Jackson touchdown is a crusher. Man, the Jets fans have absolutely turned on them. Listen to those boos. What the... why is Losman dropping back to pass? Lynch was running through the Jets' defense like it was butter. Sweet Jebus. MIRACLE AT THE MEADOWLANDS 3. (This is 2, because you're going to ask.) Oh, the referee got clocked during the scrum? I wondered what was going on there when Gumbel remarked on him and Favre joking around on the sidelines afterward. This should never have happened. (Jets 31, Bills 27)
Are these signs of life from the Chargers? And does it matter? (Chargers 22, Chiefs 21)
Bad move going for it there, Fisher. That's an easy field goal. Then there was that weird explanation about how he took the wind in the third quarter when he should have taken it in the fourth and he lost me. I mean, maybe it's not that easy a field goal, but I think you can get away with running the ball instead of throwing a medium fly pattern to a receiver who's not very good from a quarterback who's having a bad day. (Texans 13, Titans 12)
I mean... the Lions have been in these games. They just don't have any talent. (Colts 31, Lions 21)
This game got switched on us from Redskins-Bengals and huzzah to that. The announcers calling the Bryant touchdown before it happened - is that good or bad? I didn't expect the Bucs to get run on as badly again as they are today after Monday night. Turner's made life so much easier for Ryan it's not even funny. Wow, they just completely whiffed and missed the guy who blocked that punt. I guess the Falcons are ready to go to overtime. And there's the "contractually we can only keep you here until 4:15" speech, but it might not matter as this has been the fastest overtime ever. It's GOOD. A lot of NFC contenders are very unhappy right now. For the Falcons to look as sloppy as they did and still win is... something. I'm just not sure what. (Falcons 13, Buccaneers 10, OT)
crosses off Redskins (Bengals 20, Redskins 13)
The return game may well be the best weapon to counteract either of these defenses. I'm sure Nantz got it, Phil; he just chose not to acknowledge it. And now you're gonna leave him hanging? "We don't have time." This game is going basically exactly as expected. Really? Ed Reed didn't run that back for a score? I'm stunned. That's a great job by the Steelers to only give up a field goal there. 9-6 seems about right, doesn't it? Look at this drive. That might be the shortest big catch Nate Washington's ever made. How many clutch catches has Ward made in this game. This is "The Drive", isn't it? Didn't that start at the 8? Also these are the old Browns. WHY ARE YOU SPIKING THE BALL?? Wow. Really? I think he's in. Oh, I didn't notice the ball itself; I just thought his feet touched in the end zone. And they change the call. TOUCHDOWN. Harbaugh is displeased. Would they have gone for it on fourth and six inches or whatever? Would you have gone for it? (Steelers 13, Ravens 9)
Way to get the fans back on your side, T.O. Seriously, why has no one ever told him to shut the fuck up? Eli is getting killed out there. Romo's not feeling all that well himself. Can anybody run the ball tonight? Seriously, Eli's getting crushed. I think we've learned that the Giants can't survive without both Burress and Jacobs. See? Winning DOES solve everything. (Cowboys 20, Giants 8)
That's a good start. On one hand, it's nice to see Ken Dorsey getting work. On the other hand, Brian Sipe is two phone calls away. Donte' Stallworth LIVES. See, this is the other thing with Reid and this has always been true: He'll try to get too cute sometimes and end up outsmarting himself. (That said, a better throw and we're not bringing this up.) That's why we pay Samuel the big money. Again with bad things happening right before halftime. This might be the first game all season Braylon Edwards hasn't dropped a pass. How did Lewis get that wide open? Expectations this year for the Browns were, I thought, unrealistic, but they should be better than this. I mean, how do you not score a touchdown in a month even by accident? Well there's one. Put in A.J.! The Eagles could have easily scored 45. (Eagles 30, Browns 10)
FANTASY REPORT
JackSux 5: We have a consolation bracket? Why do we have a consolation bracket? Seriously, I just found this by accident. Not much has changed, though, as the Seagulls still can't score points to save their lives. Up with the big boys, it's Johnny vs. Rob for the title.
RANKINGS
1. Tennessee (12-2) - They certainly didn't need that
2. Pittsburgh (11-3) - Things are officially interesting in the AFC
3. N.Y. Giants (11-3) - Two straight stinkers
30. St. Louis (2-12) - Late-game meltdown was vintage Haslett
31. Kansas City (2-12) - Growing pains, indeed
32. Detroit (0-14) - I got nothin'
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Checking For Pulses
Signal Finder: PHI @ NYG, DAL @ PIT, NYJ @ SF
Trent Cole leaping over two guys was pretty neat. Why'd they stop the clock? Not AGAIN! Are you kidding me? That's a momentum shifter. It's also just a crappy kick looking a the replay now. Nice drive by the Eagles to start the second half. It's also a good way to slow down the Giants' momentum as they've been flat all day. What, AGAIN?! We're closing in on a record, right? Pierce slowed up at around the 15 on the Westbrook touchdown. I guess DBs don't call each other off like outfielders in baseball. It'd be something if Samuel was thinking, "Dawkins is about to run into me." The third down situation is astounding. On both sides. Twins? What? Awww. Distractions schmistractions. The Eagles straight outplayed the Giants, which isn't saying much because the Giants were absolutely terrible. (Eagles 20, Giants 14)
Really, Packers defense? You let Matt Schaub go off for 414 in your house? Even though it's more than likely that the Texans are doing their annual late-season "Hey, watch out for us next year" tease before next year actually arrives and something goes horribly wrong. Schaub: "You just want to go around and give everyone a hug." This should never have happened. crosses off Packers (Texans 24, Packers 21)
Here's how bad the Bills have been running the last six weeks: They're playing in Toronto's dome, and it's in the teens and SNOWING in Buffalo. (Dolphins 16, Bills 3)
Yeah, I don't think Tashard Choice was who the Cowboys had in mind, either. I don't think this is a fumble but it's gonna be next to impossible to overturn. Wait, wait... that last view from behind the play might have shown that it was a fumble. Hey, can anybody here HOLD ON TO THE BALL? YOU CAN'T SEE IKE TAYLOR. Well, Romo clearly didn't. I'm not sure how to describe this. Wait, what? There's three guys around Romo and none of them get to him? It's almost like that little pump fake somehow froze all of them for just enough of a split second so he could get the throw off. Yeah, Ben's knee's down. Both of these guys have pulled off some Houdini-level escape acts in this game (of course, that's because both offensive lines have done a piss-poor job pass blocking. Seriously, you both practice against the 3-4 every freakin' day.) I don't mind the Steelers going for it on fourth and goal, but I don't like that play call on third. That's a big punt return. TOUCHDOWN. The Cowboys almost got to that extra point. Was that overthrown? That's pretty bad. Actually Witten never turned around now that they've replayed it. T.O. is furious. I love it. (Steelers 20, Cowboys 13)
The good news for the Jets: NO ONE saw this. (49ers 24, Jets 14)
Qwest Field has apparently been surrounded by ambulances. Again. The Patriots were about three minutes from getting crossed off. (Patriots 24, Seahawks 21)
Completely Unrelated Aside: Am I the only one who feels like "Secret Millionaire" and "Momma's Boys" should switch networks?
Madden: "The Ravens' offense is hot." That's the first time that sentence has ever been uttered. I don't know how smart it is to hang up on Ray Lewis, though I do hope Phelps said, "Not now. I'm watching film." Oh, look, Ed Reed's returning a turnover for a touchdown. That's never happened before. And now the Ravens' defense can go to work. And work they do, as the Redskins can't get anything started. Nice threading the needle by Campbell. The hell is Zorn challenging this for? Five yards can't be worth it at this point. Man, the Redskins got caught completely off guard by that. And you know things have gotten bad when Al Michaels is going to his bad Cosell impression. These guys and the Colts - the two AFC wild cards ITSWTERN - are probably the most dangerous teams in the race. (Ravens 24, Redskins 10)
This'll be interesting, sure. Two pretty obvious plays challenged practically back-to-back here. It is pretty amazing how two-dimensional the Panthers' passing game is. I mean, those guys are reliable and everything, and I guess it doesn't actually matter that much when you run the ball as well as they do, but still. This is going about how everyone would have predicted. Antonio Bryant lives?! I think the floodgates are opening. Now this is going about how the Panthers hoped. It's not often you see the Bucs defense get run over like this. Great catch by Bryant. Much like when the Giants gashed Baltimore, I fear for the Bucs' next opponents. (Panthers 38, Buccaneers 23)
FANTASY REPORT
JackSux 5 (6-8, L2): Lost to Butch in the season-ender. We just couldn't score enough points this year. Again, at least I didn't finish last.
RANKINGS
1. Tennessee (12-1) - Titans keep rolling along
2. N.Y. Giants (11-2) - You don't show up, you drop a spot
3. Pittsburgh (10-3) - Always ugly, yet always effective
30. St. Louis (2-11) - Cardinals break 61-year division title drought on YOUR WATCH
31. Cincinnati (1-11-1) - Can Marvin Lewis be saved?
32. Detroit (0-13) - Really? We're resorting to cheap shots now?
Trent Cole leaping over two guys was pretty neat. Why'd they stop the clock? Not AGAIN! Are you kidding me? That's a momentum shifter. It's also just a crappy kick looking a the replay now. Nice drive by the Eagles to start the second half. It's also a good way to slow down the Giants' momentum as they've been flat all day. What, AGAIN?! We're closing in on a record, right? Pierce slowed up at around the 15 on the Westbrook touchdown. I guess DBs don't call each other off like outfielders in baseball. It'd be something if Samuel was thinking, "Dawkins is about to run into me." The third down situation is astounding. On both sides. Twins? What? Awww. Distractions schmistractions. The Eagles straight outplayed the Giants, which isn't saying much because the Giants were absolutely terrible. (Eagles 20, Giants 14)
Really, Packers defense? You let Matt Schaub go off for 414 in your house? Even though it's more than likely that the Texans are doing their annual late-season "Hey, watch out for us next year" tease before next year actually arrives and something goes horribly wrong. Schaub: "You just want to go around and give everyone a hug." This should never have happened. crosses off Packers (Texans 24, Packers 21)
Here's how bad the Bills have been running the last six weeks: They're playing in Toronto's dome, and it's in the teens and SNOWING in Buffalo. (Dolphins 16, Bills 3)
Yeah, I don't think Tashard Choice was who the Cowboys had in mind, either. I don't think this is a fumble but it's gonna be next to impossible to overturn. Wait, wait... that last view from behind the play might have shown that it was a fumble. Hey, can anybody here HOLD ON TO THE BALL? YOU CAN'T SEE IKE TAYLOR. Well, Romo clearly didn't. I'm not sure how to describe this. Wait, what? There's three guys around Romo and none of them get to him? It's almost like that little pump fake somehow froze all of them for just enough of a split second so he could get the throw off. Yeah, Ben's knee's down. Both of these guys have pulled off some Houdini-level escape acts in this game (of course, that's because both offensive lines have done a piss-poor job pass blocking. Seriously, you both practice against the 3-4 every freakin' day.) I don't mind the Steelers going for it on fourth and goal, but I don't like that play call on third. That's a big punt return. TOUCHDOWN. The Cowboys almost got to that extra point. Was that overthrown? That's pretty bad. Actually Witten never turned around now that they've replayed it. T.O. is furious. I love it. (Steelers 20, Cowboys 13)
The good news for the Jets: NO ONE saw this. (49ers 24, Jets 14)
Qwest Field has apparently been surrounded by ambulances. Again. The Patriots were about three minutes from getting crossed off. (Patriots 24, Seahawks 21)
Completely Unrelated Aside: Am I the only one who feels like "Secret Millionaire" and "Momma's Boys" should switch networks?
Madden: "The Ravens' offense is hot." That's the first time that sentence has ever been uttered. I don't know how smart it is to hang up on Ray Lewis, though I do hope Phelps said, "Not now. I'm watching film." Oh, look, Ed Reed's returning a turnover for a touchdown. That's never happened before. And now the Ravens' defense can go to work. And work they do, as the Redskins can't get anything started. Nice threading the needle by Campbell. The hell is Zorn challenging this for? Five yards can't be worth it at this point. Man, the Redskins got caught completely off guard by that. And you know things have gotten bad when Al Michaels is going to his bad Cosell impression. These guys and the Colts - the two AFC wild cards ITSWTERN - are probably the most dangerous teams in the race. (Ravens 24, Redskins 10)
This'll be interesting, sure. Two pretty obvious plays challenged practically back-to-back here. It is pretty amazing how two-dimensional the Panthers' passing game is. I mean, those guys are reliable and everything, and I guess it doesn't actually matter that much when you run the ball as well as they do, but still. This is going about how everyone would have predicted. Antonio Bryant lives?! I think the floodgates are opening. Now this is going about how the Panthers hoped. It's not often you see the Bucs defense get run over like this. Great catch by Bryant. Much like when the Giants gashed Baltimore, I fear for the Bucs' next opponents. (Panthers 38, Buccaneers 23)
FANTASY REPORT
JackSux 5 (6-8, L2): Lost to Butch in the season-ender. We just couldn't score enough points this year. Again, at least I didn't finish last.
RANKINGS
1. Tennessee (12-1) - Titans keep rolling along
2. N.Y. Giants (11-2) - You don't show up, you drop a spot
3. Pittsburgh (10-3) - Always ugly, yet always effective
30. St. Louis (2-11) - Cardinals break 61-year division title drought on YOUR WATCH
31. Cincinnati (1-11-1) - Can Marvin Lewis be saved?
32. Detroit (0-13) - Really? We're resorting to cheap shots now?
Tuesday, December 2, 2008
By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Home Crap Home
I have a solution, by the way: Make the Lions game the night game on NFL Network to expose them to as few people as possible. Well there's an inauspicious beginning. Are you kidding me with this? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Ah, Daunte. Nice to see some things never change. How does no one catch that guy? If I'm the Titans I don't throw any more passes. Seriously. I mean, it's not like the Lions can stop the running game or anything. Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast. I wonder if Vince Young's gonna get in. I wonder if Drew Henson's gonna get in. I wonder which one of them's gonna get in first. I'm looking for good players on the Lions; I'm struggling. I'm having trouble finding them. I feel like the Titans are just tired from the first half and don't feel like expending the effort to go all the way to the end zone anymore. And the answer is... Vince Young! With Henson a fairly close second, actually. Can we show Grey Cup highlights or something? Seriously, this year's Lions may be the worst football team I've ever seen. Who in God's name are they beating? (Titans 47, Lions 10)
Way to stick it to 'em, Julius. rolls eyes Where's the Seahawks pass rush? Romo's got enough time back there to listen to his girl's entire catalog. Also, somebody cover Witten, please. Hasselbeck hasn't looked that bad throwing the ball - if the Seahakws' receivers could catch some third downs, we might have something. I'm trying to figure out how the Bennett kid's older brother is still in college. I feel like Troy's reading some things into the Seahawks' future that just aren't there. I mean, I'm not there, so I don't know either, but it seems like he's making a lot of leaps. You didn't ask, but T.O.'s house in Jersey? STILL on the market. Ah, they've given the Gobbler a makeover. I always enjoy Buck struggling to hide his utter contempt for that thing. I DO miss the mutant eight-legged turkey, thank you very much. Didn't we JUST see this? (Cowboys 34, Seahawks 9)
I'd almost rather go on defense first. Back-to-back running plays? I'm stunned. How many Papas are there? Touchdown! There's a welcome sight. And now the thing I worry about - the Cardinals' offense. Well, Warner is prone to this sort of thing. Gotta love the precision here. Seriously, McNabb and Westbrook both look rejuvenated, which is even more amazing on a short week. Hey, an Edgerrin James sighting! On the sidelines, but still. Seriously, what is up with that? Is this the Rams game again? One thing Collinsworth's pointed out a few times is that the Eagles aren't swapping out their receivers on every play, and it's helping them, as Curtis and Jackson are clearly their two best guys right now. Boldin's having a rough night. "Put in Kolb!" They DID. Collinsworth: "Well, I'm kind of a jerk anyway..." What? Three straight ass-whompings. Nice work, National Football League! (Eagles 48, Cardinals 20)
Signal Finder: NYG @ WSH, IND @ CLE, MIA @ STL(!)(end), CAR @ GB (end), PIT @ NE, DEN @ NYJ (end)
I think what we've learned about the Giants this week is that they don't actually need Plaxico, which makes giving him that new contract at the beginning of the season seem, well, kind of stupid in retrospect. (Giants 23, Redskins 7)
This is some serious drudgery. I mean, serious. I guess the Browns'll do that. The Colts' goal-line offense looks like the Eagles'. Wait, what happened? Oh, the Dave Casper rule. How did nobody notice that Peyton fumbled the first time around? Even the kickers are being dragged down by this molasses-like pace. OMG A TOUCHDOWN. You kind of got the feeling that that's what it was going to take, didn't you? The interesting thing about that touchdown was that Freeney never actually touched Anderson - he had Thomas so far back on his heels that Thomas backed into him. And things continue to get worse for the Browns. I'm pretty sure no one wants a piece of the Colts right now. (Colts 10, Browns 6)
Hey, who here had the 49ers breaking the "West Coast teams traveling east for 1 p.m. games" losing streak? (49ers 10, Bills 3)
Yeah, that's gonna be overthrown at best. Intercepted? Sure, why not. (Buccaneers 23, Saints 20; Dolphins 16, Rams 12; Panthers 35, Packers 31)
crosses off Chargers (Falcons 22, Chargers 16)
Nobody guaranteed a victory this time, right? No? Good. I'm sure that's not the start Ben wanted. I mean, we've seen this before. What's with the Patriots dropping all these balls? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Man, the Pats are getting beat up here. Teams should just stop covering Gaffney. He won't catch it. I don't understand how Polamalu is ever allowed to blitz untouched. It's not like he's hard to find. WOW Welker just got destroyed. Cassel threw that one right to Timmons. Me, Week 6: "There's a couple more of these coming, Patriots fans." Yeaaaaah. (Steelers 33, Patriots 10)
Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass: Chiefs 20, Raiders 13
Johnny: "Thomas Jones scores after the Denver D thought he was down. Hmmmm, where have I seen this before?" Um, about 30 minutes ago? What happened here? Did the Jets show up early, see nobody there, and leave? (Broncos 34, Jets 17)
I don't expect another shootout and neither should you. Then again... Wait, did I hear that right that Hester's off kickoff returns? What's that about? The Bears' goal-line offense looks like the Eagles'. That throw was pretty much perfect. I wonder what getting absolutely owned on national television feels like. Keep Gus away from the wall, guys! I see Orton is doing his best Grossman impression tonight. (Vikings 34, Bears 14)
Welcome to Monday Night Football, Houston Texans. I'd forgotten how disgustingly fast Slaton was. Bigger bust: Chargers or Jaguars? It's close. (Texans 30, Jaguars 17)
FANTASY REPORT
aPaFL (4-9, L2): Anybody ever start in a 98-5 hole after three games before? Anyone? No? Fuck. At least we didn't finish last.
JackSux 5 (6-7, L1): It's over here, too. Damn you Rob and Laveranues Coles. Oh, and John Harbaugh for not playing McGahee at all. WTF.
RANKINGS
1. N.Y. Giants (11-1) - Same as it ever was
2. Tennessee (11-1) - Effectively got two weeks off
3. Pittsburgh (9-3) - Trademark stifling defense comes through again
30. Oakland (3-9) - A fake FG play that ends up with a 265-pound kicker running the ball? That's so Raiders
31. Cincinnati (1-10-1) - Did you know they've scored the fewest points in the league?
32. Detroit (0-12) - On pace to be historically bad
Way to stick it to 'em, Julius. rolls eyes Where's the Seahawks pass rush? Romo's got enough time back there to listen to his girl's entire catalog. Also, somebody cover Witten, please. Hasselbeck hasn't looked that bad throwing the ball - if the Seahakws' receivers could catch some third downs, we might have something. I'm trying to figure out how the Bennett kid's older brother is still in college. I feel like Troy's reading some things into the Seahawks' future that just aren't there. I mean, I'm not there, so I don't know either, but it seems like he's making a lot of leaps. You didn't ask, but T.O.'s house in Jersey? STILL on the market. Ah, they've given the Gobbler a makeover. I always enjoy Buck struggling to hide his utter contempt for that thing. I DO miss the mutant eight-legged turkey, thank you very much. Didn't we JUST see this? (Cowboys 34, Seahawks 9)
I'd almost rather go on defense first. Back-to-back running plays? I'm stunned. How many Papas are there? Touchdown! There's a welcome sight. And now the thing I worry about - the Cardinals' offense. Well, Warner is prone to this sort of thing. Gotta love the precision here. Seriously, McNabb and Westbrook both look rejuvenated, which is even more amazing on a short week. Hey, an Edgerrin James sighting! On the sidelines, but still. Seriously, what is up with that? Is this the Rams game again? One thing Collinsworth's pointed out a few times is that the Eagles aren't swapping out their receivers on every play, and it's helping them, as Curtis and Jackson are clearly their two best guys right now. Boldin's having a rough night. "Put in Kolb!" They DID. Collinsworth: "Well, I'm kind of a jerk anyway..." What? Three straight ass-whompings. Nice work, National Football League! (Eagles 48, Cardinals 20)
Signal Finder: NYG @ WSH, IND @ CLE, MIA @ STL(!)(end), CAR @ GB (end), PIT @ NE, DEN @ NYJ (end)
I think what we've learned about the Giants this week is that they don't actually need Plaxico, which makes giving him that new contract at the beginning of the season seem, well, kind of stupid in retrospect. (Giants 23, Redskins 7)
This is some serious drudgery. I mean, serious. I guess the Browns'll do that. The Colts' goal-line offense looks like the Eagles'. Wait, what happened? Oh, the Dave Casper rule. How did nobody notice that Peyton fumbled the first time around? Even the kickers are being dragged down by this molasses-like pace. OMG A TOUCHDOWN. You kind of got the feeling that that's what it was going to take, didn't you? The interesting thing about that touchdown was that Freeney never actually touched Anderson - he had Thomas so far back on his heels that Thomas backed into him. And things continue to get worse for the Browns. I'm pretty sure no one wants a piece of the Colts right now. (Colts 10, Browns 6)
Hey, who here had the 49ers breaking the "West Coast teams traveling east for 1 p.m. games" losing streak? (49ers 10, Bills 3)
Yeah, that's gonna be overthrown at best. Intercepted? Sure, why not. (Buccaneers 23, Saints 20; Dolphins 16, Rams 12; Panthers 35, Packers 31)
crosses off Chargers (Falcons 22, Chargers 16)
Nobody guaranteed a victory this time, right? No? Good. I'm sure that's not the start Ben wanted. I mean, we've seen this before. What's with the Patriots dropping all these balls? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Man, the Pats are getting beat up here. Teams should just stop covering Gaffney. He won't catch it. I don't understand how Polamalu is ever allowed to blitz untouched. It's not like he's hard to find. WOW Welker just got destroyed. Cassel threw that one right to Timmons. Me, Week 6: "There's a couple more of these coming, Patriots fans." Yeaaaaah. (Steelers 33, Patriots 10)
Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass: Chiefs 20, Raiders 13
Johnny: "Thomas Jones scores after the Denver D thought he was down. Hmmmm, where have I seen this before?" Um, about 30 minutes ago? What happened here? Did the Jets show up early, see nobody there, and leave? (Broncos 34, Jets 17)
I don't expect another shootout and neither should you. Then again... Wait, did I hear that right that Hester's off kickoff returns? What's that about? The Bears' goal-line offense looks like the Eagles'. That throw was pretty much perfect. I wonder what getting absolutely owned on national television feels like. Keep Gus away from the wall, guys! I see Orton is doing his best Grossman impression tonight. (Vikings 34, Bears 14)
Welcome to Monday Night Football, Houston Texans. I'd forgotten how disgustingly fast Slaton was. Bigger bust: Chargers or Jaguars? It's close. (Texans 30, Jaguars 17)
FANTASY REPORT
aPaFL (4-9, L2): Anybody ever start in a 98-5 hole after three games before? Anyone? No? Fuck. At least we didn't finish last.
JackSux 5 (6-7, L1): It's over here, too. Damn you Rob and Laveranues Coles. Oh, and John Harbaugh for not playing McGahee at all. WTF.
RANKINGS
1. N.Y. Giants (11-1) - Same as it ever was
2. Tennessee (11-1) - Effectively got two weeks off
3. Pittsburgh (9-3) - Trademark stifling defense comes through again
30. Oakland (3-9) - A fake FG play that ends up with a 265-pound kicker running the ball? That's so Raiders
31. Cincinnati (1-10-1) - Did you know they've scored the fewest points in the league?
32. Detroit (0-12) - On pace to be historically bad
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