I have a solution, by the way: Make the Lions game the night game on NFL Network to expose them to as few people as possible. Well there's an inauspicious beginning. Are you kidding me with this? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Ah, Daunte. Nice to see some things never change. How does no one catch that guy? If I'm the Titans I don't throw any more passes. Seriously. I mean, it's not like the Lions can stop the running game or anything. Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast. I wonder if Vince Young's gonna get in. I wonder if Drew Henson's gonna get in. I wonder which one of them's gonna get in first. I'm looking for good players on the Lions; I'm struggling. I'm having trouble finding them. I feel like the Titans are just tired from the first half and don't feel like expending the effort to go all the way to the end zone anymore. And the answer is... Vince Young! With Henson a fairly close second, actually. Can we show Grey Cup highlights or something? Seriously, this year's Lions may be the worst football team I've ever seen. Who in God's name are they beating? (Titans 47, Lions 10)
Way to stick it to 'em, Julius. rolls eyes Where's the Seahawks pass rush? Romo's got enough time back there to listen to his girl's entire catalog. Also, somebody cover Witten, please. Hasselbeck hasn't looked that bad throwing the ball - if the Seahakws' receivers could catch some third downs, we might have something. I'm trying to figure out how the Bennett kid's older brother is still in college. I feel like Troy's reading some things into the Seahawks' future that just aren't there. I mean, I'm not there, so I don't know either, but it seems like he's making a lot of leaps. You didn't ask, but T.O.'s house in Jersey? STILL on the market. Ah, they've given the Gobbler a makeover. I always enjoy Buck struggling to hide his utter contempt for that thing. I DO miss the mutant eight-legged turkey, thank you very much. Didn't we JUST see this? (Cowboys 34, Seahawks 9)
I'd almost rather go on defense first. Back-to-back running plays? I'm stunned. How many Papas are there? Touchdown! There's a welcome sight. And now the thing I worry about - the Cardinals' offense. Well, Warner is prone to this sort of thing. Gotta love the precision here. Seriously, McNabb and Westbrook both look rejuvenated, which is even more amazing on a short week. Hey, an Edgerrin James sighting! On the sidelines, but still. Seriously, what is up with that? Is this the Rams game again? One thing Collinsworth's pointed out a few times is that the Eagles aren't swapping out their receivers on every play, and it's helping them, as Curtis and Jackson are clearly their two best guys right now. Boldin's having a rough night. "Put in Kolb!" They DID. Collinsworth: "Well, I'm kind of a jerk anyway..." What? Three straight ass-whompings. Nice work, National Football League! (Eagles 48, Cardinals 20)
Signal Finder: NYG @ WSH, IND @ CLE, MIA @ STL(!)(end), CAR @ GB (end), PIT @ NE, DEN @ NYJ (end)
I think what we've learned about the Giants this week is that they don't actually need Plaxico, which makes giving him that new contract at the beginning of the season seem, well, kind of stupid in retrospect. (Giants 23, Redskins 7)
This is some serious drudgery. I mean, serious. I guess the Browns'll do that. The Colts' goal-line offense looks like the Eagles'. Wait, what happened? Oh, the Dave Casper rule. How did nobody notice that Peyton fumbled the first time around? Even the kickers are being dragged down by this molasses-like pace. OMG A TOUCHDOWN. You kind of got the feeling that that's what it was going to take, didn't you? The interesting thing about that touchdown was that Freeney never actually touched Anderson - he had Thomas so far back on his heels that Thomas backed into him. And things continue to get worse for the Browns. I'm pretty sure no one wants a piece of the Colts right now. (Colts 10, Browns 6)
Hey, who here had the 49ers breaking the "West Coast teams traveling east for 1 p.m. games" losing streak? (49ers 10, Bills 3)
Yeah, that's gonna be overthrown at best. Intercepted? Sure, why not. (Buccaneers 23, Saints 20; Dolphins 16, Rams 12; Panthers 35, Packers 31)
crosses off Chargers (Falcons 22, Chargers 16)
Nobody guaranteed a victory this time, right? No? Good. I'm sure that's not the start Ben wanted. I mean, we've seen this before. What's with the Patriots dropping all these balls? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Man, the Pats are getting beat up here. Teams should just stop covering Gaffney. He won't catch it. I don't understand how Polamalu is ever allowed to blitz untouched. It's not like he's hard to find. WOW Welker just got destroyed. Cassel threw that one right to Timmons. Me, Week 6: "There's a couple more of these coming, Patriots fans." Yeaaaaah. (Steelers 33, Patriots 10)
Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass: Chiefs 20, Raiders 13
Johnny: "Thomas Jones scores after the Denver D thought he was down. Hmmmm, where have I seen this before?" Um, about 30 minutes ago? What happened here? Did the Jets show up early, see nobody there, and leave? (Broncos 34, Jets 17)
I don't expect another shootout and neither should you. Then again... Wait, did I hear that right that Hester's off kickoff returns? What's that about? The Bears' goal-line offense looks like the Eagles'. That throw was pretty much perfect. I wonder what getting absolutely owned on national television feels like. Keep Gus away from the wall, guys! I see Orton is doing his best Grossman impression tonight. (Vikings 34, Bears 14)
Welcome to Monday Night Football, Houston Texans. I'd forgotten how disgustingly fast Slaton was. Bigger bust: Chargers or Jaguars? It's close. (Texans 30, Jaguars 17)
FANTASY REPORT
aPaFL (4-9, L2): Anybody ever start in a 98-5 hole after three games before? Anyone? No? Fuck. At least we didn't finish last.
JackSux 5 (6-7, L1): It's over here, too. Damn you Rob and Laveranues Coles. Oh, and John Harbaugh for not playing McGahee at all. WTF.
RANKINGS
1. N.Y. Giants (11-1) - Same as it ever was
2. Tennessee (11-1) - Effectively got two weeks off
3. Pittsburgh (9-3) - Trademark stifling defense comes through again
30. Oakland (3-9) - A fake FG play that ends up with a 265-pound kicker running the ball? That's so Raiders
31. Cincinnati (1-10-1) - Did you know they've scored the fewest points in the league?
32. Detroit (0-12) - On pace to be historically bad
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