Sunday, January 12, 2014

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Proof and Pudding

Signal Finder: IND @ KC, DAL @ WAS, NO @ CAR (end), DEN @ HOU (end), PIT @ GB

SPECIAL TEAMS. Charles made that look... relatively easy. For some reason Luck needed to pump-fake six times. MORE SPECIAL TEAMS. Wait, what? Vinatieri doesn't miss. They reversed that incompletion into a sack? Um, okay? And Knile Davis fumbles again. That's why Charles touches the ball 80 times a game. Donald Brown came out of a wormhole and scored on that pass. That's the second time a Colt has vanished from the Chiefs' coverage. No one was anywhere near Hilton, who would have scored on a better throw. Holy hell the Colts just got jobbed out of a fumble recovery. Why are the Chiefs calling screens? And then running the ball on 4th and short with no time outs? Succop misses! Well that balanced out nicely.
Someone got Smith's arm there, right? Oh WOW Mathis knocked the ball out of Smith's hands and Smith basically punched it downfield. Brown again! Well, it took a full quarter, but the Chiefs are trying to rally here. Until that happened. That's probably it. (Colts 23, Chiefs 7)

THIS VIDEO PACKAGE. The other thing is these are two terrible defenses. MORE SPECIAL TEAMS. How that pass wasn't intercepted I'll never know. So neither side can cover a punt? Is that it? That's the second one Moss has gotten a good runback on. This is why they're 4-10. Another Cowboys linebacker down? I think they're down. I think that's their last one. The Cowboys have run out of linebackers, which means more safeties, which means more bad defense. Was there a hold on that Murray run? That was a good ten seconds! How does no one get to Romo? Even though the pass was incomplete, no one came close. Then he JUKES a guy? Dez got both feet down. The Redskins defense just went nuclear.


And there's a bad throw by Cousins that gets intercepted.

Well that's not Romo's fault but Cowboys. And the Redskins continue to do stupid things in the red zone.

I'm not even referring to the penalty here, but to lining up in quads bunch twice after the Cowboys called time out after the first time. Remember what I just said about the Redskins doing stupid things in the red zone? So do the Cowboys, if we're being honest. Touchdown. Why not go for two there, Shanahans? You're 4-10 and getting fired. No. You're kidding me. There's no way that just happened. Burkhart, on the Redskins turning run-happy immediately: "It's almost like the Redskins are taking what should be the Cowboys' script." And this Wilcox dude makes another stupid Cowboys mistake. That keeps the drive alive and the Redskins add three points.

Orakpo being hurt could be bad if it's for any length of time. You almost forget London Fletcher was on that Rams Super Bowl team. Now Romo's limping? Oh man, Rex Grossman and Kyle Orton are both in this stadium. Gotta go for it. Who moved? FALSE. START. I'm stunned they actually converted after all that. Actually I'm not because the Redskins remain terrible defensively. My God these teams are bad. What's DeAngelo mad about? The throw wasn't even close. Now what? They're kicking it and even that was needlessly adventurous. Of course the Cowboys gave up a 3rd and 9. Romo can barely move around back there. Oh, Wilson slipped. That's why Williams was so ridiculously open. Murray just lost 10 yards on 3rd and goal at the 1. JEBUS. No one covered Murray. NO. ONE. Now we got a fight. Seriously, Murray just stood there and waited.

There's still plenty of time for the Cowboys defense to blow this. Of course, Cousins then throws three bad passes. The Cowboys are lucky the Redskins are worse. (Cowboys 24, Redskins 23)

Domenik Hixon's still alive?

(Panthers 17, Saints 13)

FROZEN TUNDRA. James Jones just took that ball away from Ike Taylor. Usually that goes in the opposite direction.So ever since the first drive, these offenses have done whatever they feel like. The Steelers didn't even think about stopping Lacy on that touchdown. I mean, it never crossed their collective mind. FAKE PUNT! Big Ben runs! What is going on right now? We got some chaos here. That ball is out.


That's a massive defensive stop by the Steelers. BLOCKED!! Unbelievable. Wait, WHAT?!?!? Is this Leon Lett again? Is that what's happening right now? Now Tomlin's challenging this. He can't challenge that? They absolutely blew this one. Oh my goodness. Clark had that ball and was down before he pitched it.

Maaaaaan, if the Steelers end up losing by less than seven I do NOT want to deal with all that. I know I've said this several times already this season but Bell may already be the Steelers' best player, which is both good and bad. And the Steelers go back on top. Let's tack on a pick-six while we're at it, sure. Now Ben's throwing odd interceptions. Hey Steelers defense: The one guy you can't let get away is Jordy Nelson. Now we're tied. Flynn fumbles! Why did the Steelers burn a time out with the clock stopped? Touchdown!

Who's this Hyde dude? That's a massive return. A false start? Seriously, Packers? That is literally out of the Cowboys-Redskins game. So that's a 10-second runoff and the Packers just screwed themselves.

Let's be honest, though: Asking Mike McCarthy to make the correct clock management decision is a lot like asking a Kardashian to split the atom. It might just take the push of a button, but do you really trust them to do that much? (Steelers 38, Packers 31)

This Week It Sucks To Be:


(Giants 23, Lions 20, OT)

So now it's the Bears with a chance to win their division. And that's not the way you want to start that game out. That punt wasn't good.Well that didn't take any time at all. Hester FUMBLED? Whoa.


Give it to Shady! Are the Bears aware of the circumstances? Celek just strolled into the end zone. Like he was taking the dog for a walk.Hey, the Eagles didn't score. Hey, the Bears got a first down! This is unbelievable. Cutler was throwing well before those back to back sacks. It's just... there are so many moving parts.


That's a bad spot but the way things look right now it won't matter. Uh-oh. Fumble? Wow that's close. Wait, what? Did Chip just break the Schwartz Rule? Overturned. Then things just hit a pothole or something. Nice punt. Nice punt coverage. That's a safety, right? Safety!


This Bears defense is utterly exhausted. Well, that's probably that. Bah. Celek fumbled? Now what? Wait, did the Bears lose yards? I could have sworn they were at midfield. Oh, right, the Trent Cole sack.


HALL & OATES! THE BALL FELL OFF THE TEE. Yeah, Trestman was planning something. The Eagles aren't even thinking about throwing the ball anymore. Polk!


Congrats to Cutler for breaking Sid Luckman's record in four years. LOL at "It's kinda sad." Bad throw, Jay. Everybody take the rest of the night off.


Let's say this: This wasn't Cutler's fault. (Eagles 54, Bears 11)

Seriously? The Raiders think they're too good for Candlestick? Always good to see Eddie DiBartolo in the house. I have to say I never liked the Stephen Jackson signing for the Falcons — just seemed like he had too many miles on him to be what they wanted him to be. Wait, Matt Ryan's already completed five passes? Kaepernick hasn't had a great year but he's played better recently. How did Ryan not cross the line of scrimmage? I mean, he didn't, but how? Nice throw and good blocking downfield. I don't know about that call. Looks like Whitner hit him clean. Touchdown.(And yes, I know I just pooh-poohed the Jackson signing. Shut it.) Sure Ryan's outplaying Kaepernick so far but the Falcons have only put one decent drive together. Until this one, that is. The 49ers can't afford to forget that the Falcons do still have Roddy White (hobbled though he may be) and Harry Douglas, as well as that Gonzalez dude. Just that quickly we're tied. The Niners needed that. That's an awful pass interference call


There's Kaepernick going up the left side again. More touchdowns. Remember when I mentioned Roddy White earlier? Did something happen on that big Hunter run that I missed? I'm not even sure what I'm looking for here. I'll tell you what: It's been a miserable season for the Falcons but they haven't quit at all. Gonzalez! What? Hmmm... probably should have been offsetting.


This is what about 98% of TV commentators don't understand. They're going onside kick even with the penalty? Hmmm. Whoa! Great play by Snelling on the onside kick! Are the Falcons actually going to pull this off? NOPE. The 49ers sent the house and somehow got to the receiver. That's it, probably.
This is the longest 1:28 ever. Harbaugh's, like, about where they place the ball for the snap. Get out, sir. This is all very unnecessary.

(49ers 34, Falcons 24)


RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Seattle (12-3) — Picked off by the Cardinals? Really?
2. Denver (12-3) — Peyton takes his record back
3. Carolina (11-4) — Cam clutch
4. San Francisco (11-4) — Farewell, palace of ruins

BOTTOM 4:
29. Oakland (4-11) — The trudge continues
30. Cleveland (4-11) — Can we just shut this down?
31. Houston (2-13) — Innocent bystanders
32. Washington (3-12) —Not-so-innocent bystanders

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