Sunday, November 5, 2023

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Swift Technique

The Packers put David Bakhtiari on IR like, eight hours ago. Goff with a miscue as Rudy Ford picks him off. He threw that late. Packers capitalize with a field goal. Goff finds LaPorta on a crossing route and he gets 30. Touchdown Lions. Might want to cover Amon-Ra next time. Oh, Douglas fell down. Not great. Goff stumbling forward. Touchdown David Montgomery. Love not looking great so far tonight.

Second quarter starts with the Lions in first and goal. I saw no hold there. Riley Patterson (wearing #36) makes it 17-3. Al refers to the "cockamamie Internet." Love throws high and he gets intercepted! Anzalone tipped it, actually, and it went right to Jacobs. Touchdown Montgomery. Packers fans cheering a false start. A Lions player jumps offside twice and the Packers get a first down. Crowd cheers that, too. They're down BAD tonight. Goff escapes and finds LaPorta, who had to go up and get it. Lions add a field goal and it's 27-3. "They look athletic." Really, Kirk? Halftime Hail Mary falls short.


Brian Branch gets helped off the field. Packers go for it on fourth and 9 and Doubs makes a falling catch at the Lions' 2. Now Barnes is hurt but he gets up and walks off. No one covers Watson and that's a touchdown. Packers go for two and get it. Love with the deep ball to Reed!

Love keeps it, but he's brought down before he can reach the end zone. Did they give him a touchdown? REALLY? BOTH his knees were down! That's a joke. Oh, that was the two-point attempt? Lions decide to start running the ball again. They run on third and 9 and get seven, and they were always going for it on fourth down, or at least acting like they would. Packers don't jump, and Patterson hits from 30 to make it 30-17. But Quay Walker's dumb ass got called on a running start to leap across the line on the kick, and it's an automatic first down for the Lions! Now it's fourth and goal at the 1. Now what? Lions are going for it. Touchdown Montgomery, his third of the night. Extra point makes it 34-17 and this feels over. Al notes that a lot of fans are still here, and says that some of the Packers fans are holdovers from the Milwaukee years and tickets still have preferred games. (There are also a not-small amount of Lions fans here.) Branch back in the game, a good sign. Now he's down again, a less good sign. Love throws another pick and that's that. (Lions 34, Packers 20)


This implies that Drake London was thrown a pass, which can't be true.

So are the Jaguars just going to stay in London this week? (Yes.) (Jaguars 23, Falcons 7)

Signal Finder: WSH @ PHI, LV @ LAC, NE @ DAL

That's the slowest 99-yard interception return I've ever seen. Then the Vikings get their own defensive touchdown. This game was over before 3:45.


(Vikings 21, Panthers 13)

Howell getting the ball out fast, especially to McLaurin, who's primed to cut the Eagles up like he always does. Eagles force a fourth and 1. Commanders give it to Robinson and he gets it. Commanders move early on third down. Then the Eagles get called for holding to create first and goal at the 4. Jet sweep to Curtis Samuel and he walks in. Eagles on the move here. That's a horse collar. Flag came out late but it still counts. Goedert picks up third and 6. Swift runs through a huge hole on the left side for a touchdown. 7-7 after dueling seven-minute drives. McLaurin inexplicably left wide open on third and 6. Big catch by Logan Thomas and Edmunds gets flagged for unnecessary roughness. Eagles finally get to Howell but Edmunds drops an interception. Robinson fumbles into the end zone, but McLaurin recovers it in the end zone, because of course he does. The slant to Brown remains unstoppable. Fourth and short. Davis calls it the "tush push" while Moose says he prefers "Brotherly Shove." (I side with Moose here.) It works, but Dickerson gets called offside, and the Eagles punt.



Hey, a sack! Chase Young gets past Mailata for a sack. Announcers note that he's missed most of the last two seasons,and that Sirianni's never coached against him. Hurts overthrows Smith. Donna Kelce's at the game with... Jake from State Farm? Davis says she's planning on going up to the MetLife HQ to see Travis tonight and calls it a "tailor-made trip." Howell overthrows McLaurin, who had Jobe beat. But then he finds Diyami Brown for 35, and the Eagles had no idea where he was, either. Bradberry gets called for DPI on a ball ten feet above everyone's head. Howell trips and goes down. Commanders settle for three. Hurts throws to Goedert is off-target and Emmanuel Forbes just misses a pick-six. Slant to Brown is a yard short, and they go for it. Hurts takes it left this time and picks it up. BIG catch by Smith! Booth reviews it and it (pretty obviously) stands. Elliott hits from 41 to end the half.

Sua Opeta replaces Cam Jurgens, who Pam reports has a foot injury. Covey in on offense? Perfect throw to A.J. for 28. Elliott makes it 17-13. That's not pass interference, either. Dotson has one go right through his hands. Kendall Fuller saves a big gain by Smith with a leg tackle. Hurts finds A.J., who follows his blockers and turns it into a 59-yuard touchdown! Hurts was roughed on the play, and the Eagles elect to take the penalty on the PAT and go for two. Gainwell gets it and it's 21-17 Eagles. Commanders use former quarterback Thomas to run their sneak on third and inches and it works. Slay shaken up. Howell gets away from Cox but not Morrow. Goedert with a diving catch after Kam Curl just misses the knockdown. Commanders can't get off the field. Eagles run it on third and 11 for... some reason, and Gainwell fumbles but Lane falls on it. Howell keeps running out of trouble. That hit might be late. It is, and it's costly, because he wouldn't have had the first down otherwise. Commanders try the Thomas sneak again but this time it gets stuffed. Refs call the illegal formation and not the false start, for some reason. Why'd they accept the penalty? Robinson scores and we're tied. Hurts evades a sack and gets to midfield. Refs rule that Crowder signaled for a fair catch at his own 6. Reddick's first sack is timely in his first game without the cast on his hand. Zaccheaus drops one but catches the next one. A.J.! Touchdown! But there's still 1:43 left, and A.J. got flagged for taunting afterward, so they'll be kicking off from the 20. Morrow with his THIRD sack today. Howell finds Diyami Brown on fourth and 2.

COVER McLAURIN YOU IDIOTS. Five seconds left. Howell throws incomplete to Samuel (who wasn't in the end zone anyway), but there's still one second left. Refs make it two. Touchdown Dotson as Jobe gets completely fooled. Commanders elect to tie it (???) and we're going to overtime.

Howell finds McLaurin but he can't stay inbounds. It goes to the booth. Call stands and the Commanders punt. Rare bad punt by Tress Way and the Eagles start at their own 41. Bubble screen to Smith comes up short. Now what? Sneak works! That was longer than usual. And I think Da'Ron Payne tried to go high and ended up gong over Hurts. Swift manages to stay inbounds and get a first down. Hurts gets called for intentional grounding on a miscommunication between him and A.J. that left Hurts throwing a long ball to nobody. They get nine yards back and here comes Elliott for a 54-yard try. It's GOOD! But it didn't need to be this way. (Eagles 34, Commanders 31, OT)

Um... Steelers? (Texans 30, Steelers 6)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1-75)


Talk about a dude who bought his own hype. Like a one-man version of the PG/Hibbert Pacers. The Bears were up 28-7. What happened? (Broncos 31, Bears 28)


Also, Garoppolo just showed up in concussion protocol on, like, Thursday, so rookie Aiden O'Connell is starting at quarterback for the Raiders. This game is gonna SUCK. O'Connell with a rushing touchdown? What? Herbert throws into double coverage in the end zone and it's broken up. O'Connell fumbles! Chargers ball! Recent Chargers draft bust Jerry Tillery gets flagged for roughing. That won't help his status. They ejected him! Wow! Herbert to Allen for an easy touchdown and it's 17-7. NOW what? The Chargers suddenly have the ball again in the red zone? O'Connell fumbled on a sack? Wow. Fourth and goal at the 1 and Herbert dives for the touchdown. Mack gets two sacks to start the second half, and he's got four TODAY. Make it five. Raiders manage a field goal. Herbert with a bad throw and that gets picked. Mack's SIXTH sack of the game makes it 3rd and 35. Raiders punt on 4th and 30 instead of trying a 57-yard field goal. I dunno. At least they got the punt they wanted there. They force a three-and-out. O'Connell force-feeding Adams. Touchdown Jacobs! Raiders get the ball back with 3:30 left and this may be turning into a Chargering.

Great catch by Adams on the sideline. Interception! Asante Samuel Jr. baited the rookie and picked him off.

Though he probably shouldn't have slid down with so much time left. (Chargers 24, Raiders 17)

Where's Pollard? Rico Dowdle getting the work on this series. There he is, getting cut down on a sweep. Christian Gonzalez leaves the game with an in jury and Lamb immediately catches a touchdown over his replacement. 10-3 Cowboys. Zeke with a vintage carry. Mac finds Gesicki in a tight window. Juju gets 14 on third and 15. Patriots try the push and it doesn't work. Burkhardt: "The problem is nobody does this play as well as Philly does it."


Dak gets sandwiched. Jalen Tolbert buries the punt returner. Mac gets sacked — and the ball comes out! Vander Esch picks it up and scores. Then the Cowboys run a fake on the extra point and get two out of it. What's going on down there? Parsons into the blue tent with a leg issue. Ferguson gets flattened but hangs on for a 23-yard gain. Field goal makes it 21-3. And THAT'S why you're taught never to throw back across the field. Pick-six for Bland and it's 28-3.

Cowboys get the ball back and get to midfield, and McCarthy's clearly high on his own supply here trying a 66-yarder. False start puts an end to that foolishness. Things get chippy as the half ends.

Donovan Wilson pops Mac on a scramble, keeping him from a first down. And then Bland picks off Mac on fourth and 2! Pats hold them to a field goal, like it'll matter. Patriots aren't letting the Cowboys drive the stake in on offense, at least — they sack Dak on fourth and 3 to take over. Only to punt again. Mac's been pulled. The Patriots aren't good any more, you guys. (Cowboys 38, Patriots 3)

McCaffrey's going to beat the Cardinals all by himself, isn't he? Yeah, looks like it. Purdy only had one incompletion? (49ers 38, Cardinals 16)

Tirico: "She's here."


The intro is The Voice set and all about Taylor Swift because this game is going to be an absolute dud. Two straight catches by Kelce and no shots of Taylor's suite. DO YOUR JOB. Jets mange to hold them to a field goal, which is a glorious triumph. Pacheco breaks a tackle in the backfield and he's GONE. 48 yards! Cris highlights guard Trey Smith flattening Jordan Whitehead, who he mercifully does NOT name. Another big run by Pacheco along with two penalties on the Jets. Touchdown Noah Gray. 17-0. This Morstead punt landing at the 6 is the best play the Jets have so far. Wait, what? Jawaan Taylor gets called for a face mask in the end zone, giving the Jets a safety. Free kick goes into the end zone, which is rare. It looks like the officials got that one wrong — the grab was in the field of play — but McAuley says that the twist happened in the end zone. I don't know, and it probably won't matter.

Graphic shows how Wilson is much worse when he holds the ball for longer than 2.5 seconds. Lazard comes back to pull down a deep pass from Wilson. Field goal makes it 17-5. Ashton Davis (?) picks off Mahomes! Cobb with the extension to get the first down. Gipson on a reverse and it's first and goal. Touchdown C.J. Uzomah and this is, shockingly, a game.

Mosley drops what would have been another pick. Toney gets drilled. Butker makes a 37-yarder. Wait, the Jets' two Michael Carters went to Duke and Carolina? Legatron hits the upright and misses. Is Rodgers sitting in the bleachers? This time Mosley gets the interception! Eighteen seconds and two time outs. Hmmm. Zach takes off and gets to midfield. Half ends with a sack. Jets honor Joe Klecko at halftime. That's the second tough catch Tyler Conklin's made tonight. Jeremy Ruckert? This is the best football Zach Wilson's ever played. Touchdown Lazard. They go for two, Wilson keeps it, evades a sack, and gets there! We're somehow tied! Footage of Pacheco running interspersed with Marshawn Lynch, a comparison Tirico says Saleh made. Breece Hall takes off for 43 but the Jets can't do anything with it. Cris talking about how the Chiefs' big plays are gone with Hill and Mecole Hardman elsewhere (Hardman is actually on the Jets, but as Tirico pointed out earlier, he hasn't done much.) You could hear that pass get batted down. Encroachment? Sure. The hell of it is that Cris is 100 percent right about how taking off in the convertible with Travis after last week's game is the most freeing thing she's done in 20 years. Butker puts the Chiefs back in front with 10:30 left. Bad snap, Wilson fumbles, and it's Chiefs ball at midfield. One Mahomes scramble is called back for a penalty, but the subsequent one, a 25-yarder, stands. Chiefs now face third and 20 with Kelce catching his breath. Mahomes throws another interception but the Jets get called for holding, a call nobody seems to like. Pacheco picks up a key first down. Big game for him in his first pro game in New Jersey. (I believe it was mentioned last week that this is also Mahomes' first start in "New York".) Mahomes scrambles, gets the first down, and slides at the 2. Ball game. The Chiefs had the ball for the final six minutes or so.

(Chiefs 23, Jets 20)

This is a Manningcast game. Jamal Adams back. Peyton's already annoyed that Jones has passed up/missed two shots downfield. Giants run the sneak at the Seahawks' 27. It doesn't work!


Kenneth Murray was... not down? The graphic says touchdown as Murray rolled over a Giants defender, got up, kept running, stopped, then kept running to the end zone. Let's see. Yeah, his elbow hits the turf.

Peyton: "We talk about cheeks a lot." Call REVERSED and it turns into a two-yard loss. Adams headed to the locker room already? Giants muff this punt but retain possession. "This hasn't been a smooth game so far." Jones runs have been the Giants' best plays so far. Devon Witherspoon comes on a corner blitz and sacks Jones. Offsetting penalties on a Seahawks deep ball. Will Ferrell comes in early to compliment Peyton's acting, not just in his new film, but while demonstrating a play call earlier. Vintage Daniel Jones: gets sacked and fumbles. Seahawks ball at the Giants' 7. Geno rolls out and finds Metcalf for a touchdown, fulfilling Ferrell's prediction of a touchdown pass.

7-0 to end the first quarter. Why does Peyton have a Giants helmet? Now Ferrell's giving him plays. "Make it slippy." Brieda catches a wheel route but slips and is mad at himself afterwards. Will rates Eli's impression of him a 1.1, which is about right.

Geno's pass gets batted back to himself! He takes a two-yard loss. Thibodeaux (who Ferrell calls "the French kid") can't corral another deflection or he'd have had six. Now Geno's being looked at on the sideline after getting hit on that deflected pass. And the Giants have a new center at their own 1. Low snap but Jones salvages it and finds a first down. Witherspoon blows up what Eli thought was a double pass. He's been hitting people tonight. Gano makes a 55-yarder. Lock's still warming up, and he's coming in. Peyton: "I don't like seeing quarterbacks with action shots in the tunnel. That's the same room Rodgers went in." Noah Fant heads down the sideline and breaks several poor Giants tackles and... well, he'll be ruled down at the 2 after they look at this, but still.

Touchdown Murray and we've got more unpleasantries. Ty Woolen almost had a diving interception. This is a great punt. This Seahawks punt is also quite good, but the Giants ran into Dickson AND held on the back end, so the Seahawks keep the ball. There's a guy in an Eli jersey and a lucha mask and the girl next to him is rolling her eyes in disgust. Eli: "Is Taylor Swift at this game?" Peyton: "If she is, she left." Geno back out to start the third. He gets called for taunting? What? That flag should've been on the Giants for throwing Lockett out of bounds. They go for it inside the Giants 25 but Zach Charbonnet can't catch a rollout pass. Eli hates the call. "I feel like that's never open." Bobby Wagner sacks Jones. Jason Myers misses left from 53. Peyton wants the Giants to play Jalin Hyatt. Jones runs have been the Giants' best plays tonight. He's got them inside the 5. How are there still two minutes left in the third quarter? WITHERSPOON WITH A PICK SIX.


The Giants could be on their way to 1-8. Look at their schedule! Eli's center, Shaun O'Hara, joins the boys to start the fourth. Jones throws a long floater right to Quadray Diggs. There's only one problem. O'Hara talking about how he's been mistaken for Jeff Saturday on multiple occasions. How many sacks is that? (It ended up being 11.)

The brothers remember Dartmouth coach Buddy Teevens, who passed away last week, as Lock comes back in to finish this off.

(Seahawks 24, Giants 3)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. San Francisco (4-0) — The machine continues to churn
2. Philadelphia (4-0) — No smooth sailing this week
3. Buffalo (3-1) — An early statement
4. Detroit (3-1) — Another early statement
BOTTOM 4:
29. New England (1-3) — Haven't looked that bad in 35 years
30. N.Y. Giants (1-3) — Shouldn't they be better than this?
31. Chicago (0-4) — Everyone's taken a step back
32. Carolina (0-4) — This was their chance!

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