Sunday, September 15, 2024

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: The Recipe

And we start off with... a weather delay? Apparently there's LIGHTNING, and we won't get going until 8:40. We kick off on time! Ravens get the ball first after the kickoff lands in the end zone. Flag on the first play. They get Ronnie Stanley for lining up too far back off the line of scrimmage. Cris notes that the league said they were going to emphasize that this season, which means they'll be ignoring it completely by Week 5. Didn't the Ravens sign Derrick Henry so that Lamar wouldn't have to do this any more? Touchdown 22. They give Xavier Worthy the ball on a reverse and he just kind of runs just a little faster than anyone else. Touchdown on his first NFL touch and it's 7-7.

CRIMES. Justin Madubuike changed his name to Nnamdi on Tuesday. Lamar fumbles and its Chiefs ball in the red zone already. Butker makes the field goal. No targets for Travis yet. Agholor whiffs on a block, thwarting the Ravens going for it on fourth down. Mahomes finally finds Travis on a busted play on third and 12. And there's our first shot of Taylor. Mahomes just broke Len Dawson's career passing yards record. Tucker MISSES from 53! We're done here. Mahomes gets picked off! Tucker hits and it's 13-10 at halftime. Chiefs suddenly finding holes in the Ravens' defense. LOL Pacheco kept that pile on its feet for about 10 seconds before finally scoring.

Mahomes pulls a Lamar and catches his own pass, but he does it with two guys on him. Ravens will have another shot. Lamar finds Bateman at the 11! Was he touched? (Yes.) Likely is hurt in the end zone after Lamar overthrows him. Don't you have to spike it there? Oh no, Flowers was wide open and didn't see it? No, that was a bad throw. LIKELY??? That's close. That's SO CLOSE. That first foot might be on the line. Call REVERSED. Wow. (Chiefs 27, Ravens 20)

This is BRAZIL!


Gotta love loopholes. Sao Paulo has 23 million people? Dude named Zeeba's singing the anthem. Both teams had 12 men on the field, negating this Jayden Reed touchdown. I don't think I've ever seen that. Rookie Quinyon Mitchell with good coverage on Watson. Packers go for it on 4th and 6, but they jump, and now they'll punt. Saquon slips on his first carry and loses five yards. Hurts throws late into triple coverage and ex-Giant Xavier McKinney picks it off. Baun with a sack, but Jalen Carter gets called for a personal foul. Sloppy game so far. Packers get three out of it. Early snap hits the ground and the Packers recover. Eagles stuff Jacobs on third and 1, but he gets fourth and 2 after a second push. OPI on Doubs. And now Watson slips in the end zone or he'd have had a touchdown. Hey, an Eagles first down! Another one! Shove time? Hard count draws the Packers offside. Hurts lofts one to Saquon for a touchdown! I say "lofts" but it was basically perfectly placed.

Packers burn their last time out with 10:24 left in the second. Jet sweep to Reed and this one will count. Two-point try is stuffed. MOTION!!! The first real Shove is successful.

Saquon! Love then finds a wide-open Reed for a 70-yard score. Hurts finds Smith on 4th and 3. Elliott field goal ends the half. 19-17 Packers. Bomb to A.J.! Touchdown! Refs letting nothing go. DPI on Maddox leads to a Watson touchdown. Blankenship with a diving interception! Three touchdowns for Saquon! CLANG and it's still 31-26 as the third quarter ends. Another bad Hurts decision and Jaire Alexander intercepts him in the end zone. Someone cover Reed. Why throw there? And an ineligible man downfield on top of it. Holding on the Packers bails them out.

Shouldn't the Packers be using their time outs here? Hurts to Smith for a first down. And AGAIN. That's ballsy but it worked. Elliott is money. The Packers return this kickoff out of the end zone? That wasn't smart. And again NO ONE covers Reed. Love down after the next play. Five seconds left. Love is helped off, as well as center Josh Byers. Malik Willis is the new backup and he's got the arm for a Hail Mary. He slips and Zack Baun brings him down to end it. Jebus. (Eagles 34, Packers 29)

Signal Finder: PIT @ ATL, NE @ CIN, ARZ @ BUF (end), TEN @ CHI (end), JAX @ MIA (end), DAL @ CLE

BIG news morning. Tyreek gets detained on his way to the game, the Cowboys finally reach a deal with Dak (more on that later) and Kendrick Lamar's doing the Super Bowl halftime. Suck it, Drake.


So let's break this down: The Steelers signed Russell Wilson after the Broncos cut him. Then they traded for Justin Fields when the Bears decided they were drafting Caleb Williams. Wilson then beat Justin Fields for the starting quarterback job. But he suffered a calf injury, so Fields is going to start. Meanwhile, the Falcons signed Kirk Cousins, who suffered a torn Achilles tendon last season, to a four-year contract. Then they drafted quarterback Michael Penix Jr. with the No. 8 overall pick. Got all that? Bijan's getting touches? Whoa. Things ARE different. Also, and I forgot about this, Arthur Smith, who the Falcons fired after least season, is the Steelers' new offensive coordinator. Steelers having snap problems. Boswell from 57(!!) to tie it at 3. Why is Ray-Ray McCloud the Falcons' best player right now? Steelers offside on a Cousins fumble. Touchdown Pitts! Is that his first one?

So the Steelers' punter took a long time to get that off, and there's a flag. It looks to me like the Falcons player was blocked into the punter. They call holding on the STEELERS and they have to punt again, but this guy is hurt. There's no way he can kick this. Boswell's gonna come in to punt. Cousins gets picked off! That's why I'm out on the Falcons. You KNOW you can't trust that man. Boswell makes it 18-10 with his sixth(?!) field goal of the day with 28 seconds left. (Steelers 18, Falcons 10)

Jamar Chase is out with an illness? Yeah, he's sick of Mike Brown's cheap ass. Burrow fumbles the snap but falls on it. Oh, he's playing? Never mind, then. Mike Gesicki hits the Griddy after an apparent touchdown, but it's overturned on review. Then Hudson fumbles on his way into the end zone and the Patriots recover! The Bengals are SO back. Fumble on a punt return? The Bengals are ABSOLUTELY back. Joey Slye makes it 13-0 Patriots. And the Patriots will run it out. You know what? Good for Jerod Mayo. (Patriots 16, Bengals 10)
So Sam Darnold completed his first 10 passes against the Giants.


You can guess how the rest of this went. (Vikings 28, Giants 6)


Simone BIles's husband just returned a blocked punt for a touchdown! What the hell, Levis? Pick-6 and the Bears lead. This is only the fourth time that the No. 1 pick has won the season opener in his debut. And the Bears didn't score a single offensive touchdown! (Bears 24, Titans 17)

Bills go up six with two minutes left. Oh, that's a bad drop. Why is Greg Dortsch the target there? You drafted Marvin Harrison Jr. for a reason. (Bills 34, Cardinals 28)


Sanders from 52. It's GOOD! And it all stems from Etienne's goal line fumble, which would have put the Jags up 27-7. Apparently after the game, Calais Campbell said he got put in cuffs by the same cops who stopped Tyreek. What the hell's going on down there? (Dolphins 20, Jaguars 17)

The Broncos have TWO safeties? In the SAME QUARTER?


Yeah, they're gonna be bad again this year, too. (Seahawks 26, Broncos 20)

So the Cowboys gave a guy who's never been to a conference championship game in eight years as a starter an $80 million signing bonus and $231 million guaranteed. This feels like the definition of insanity. Cowboys get the ball first.


Offensive holding, then a sack. Then a crappy punt that's returned into Cowboys territory. Then the Browns false start on 4th and 2. They're still going for it? Why are they trying to get the Cowboys to jump on 4th and 7? Just kick the field goal, you clowns. Hopkins hits from 51. Lamb wins that battle against Ward for a 44-yard gain. The Browns lose Cooks and he catches an easy touchdown. Mike Periera's back! Ward wins round 2 with a near-pick. These Brady promos are weird as hell. "Why don't you buy a soccer team?" "Got one." (I did not know he bought a stake in Birmingham City.) Did they rule that a catch? That's not a catch, and they expedited the review and realized it wasn't. Touchdown Zeke, which is all he's good for at this point. Tip drill pick for Eric Kendricks.

Why are they showing Brady watching his own Tostitos commercial? That was Edelman? The Cowboys brought Aubrey on to try a 66-yarder, he HIT it, but they didn't get it off in time. They're going for 71! Now the Browns call time. They're not gonna do this. They don't. 20-3 Cowboys at halftime. I know he doesn't have Chubb or his two starting tackles but Watson's looked terrible. Turpin with a punt return for a touchdown. Refs forget to give the Browns a first down. Christ. It's SECOND and goal. How did this happen? Touchdown Jerry Jeudy, which may be his first career one. (He was bad in Denver.)

(Cowboys 33, Browns 17; Buccaneers 37, Commanders 20)

Oooh, a new arrangement. I like it. Calvin Johnson doing the intro. Lions are jacked up. Good Rams drive suddenly gets throws into reverse. Third and 23? Sure. If I'm the Lions I'd be using Montgomery more in these short yardage situations. Good juke by Gibbs, though. Oh, this is close. Refs say no. Call REVERSED. Touchdown Lions. Bad throw by Stafford under pressure and he's picked in the end zone. Puka Nakua is out after being hurt earlier, coming back, and getting hurt again. Touchdown Jameson Williams, who put a double move on Tre'Davious White and set him on fire. If he's figured it out... Touchdown Kyren Williams. Yeah, that's interference. Lions hold Rams to three, which will matter later. John Johnson picks off Goff. Did he hold on? I think he did. Call STANDS. Rams ball. OK, that's great footwork by Kupp. The Rams did the Lions a favor by hurrying to get that next play off, because the Lions would have challenged it, and they would have lost. Touchdown Kupp and the Rams lead. This Gibbs run is interesting — if he's ruled down inbounds, does either team call timeout to save 10 seconds? He is, and they don't. Goff can't hit Gibbs, so they settle for a field goal try. We're tied 20-20 with 17 seconds left. Carlton Davis watches an interception go through his hands. Hutchinson sacks Stafford and we're going to overtime. Montgomery with a 31-yard blast. He's certainly fresh. Have the Lions attempted a pass on this drive? And should they, seeing how they're rolling the Rams here? Touchdown Montgomery! (Lions 26, Rams 20, OT)

No McCaffery? Uh-oh. Jets get the ball first. We're on a snap count. Even Buck's on it after two three-and-outs. (Also, Leonard Floyd, who took Rodgers out last year, is a 49er this year.) Warner punches the ball out of Breece Hall's grip and the 49ers have it. Deebo wearing 1 now. Moody puts the Niners on the board. Big catch by Garrett Wilson over Lenoir. Touchdown Hall on a drive that was all him and Wilson. Nice run by Jordan Mason, yet another undrafted (in his case) or low-drafted guy that a Shanahan has gotten a lot out of, as Buck mentions. And this 49ers' offesnsive line isn't even that great outside of Trent Williams. Double reverse to open the second quarter gets blown all the way up, but Deebo manages to salvage enough that the 49es can still try a kick.


It's good from 51. Mason slashes through for a touchdown, but Deebo gets caught holding. Redemption! Touchdown Deebo and it's 13-7 49ers. They'll get the ball to start the second half after another field goal. This Jets defense is gassed. They can't get a stop! Touchdown Mason. Interception! Rodgers had to rush that throw a little and Lenoir tipped it to a teammate.

Talk turns to the Hasson Reddick situation, which was COMPLETELY AVOIDABLE. Moody CLANGS one in from 53. Rodgers with a strike to Lazard on a free play. He can't keep getting away with this. They give it to Hall but he doesn't make it. 26-13. Legatron's kick hits in the landing zone before rolling in to the end zone, so it's 49ers ball at the 20. Jets can't convert third and 1 or fourth and 1.
Moody is 6 for 6. 32-13 with 4:20 left. This was a roasting. Wait. Is this...

It is! (49ers 32, Jets 19)
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