Thursday, October 12, 2023

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Traditions Upheld

It's Thursday night, and you know what that means. (Some truly terrible football coming your way.) Some Hall and Oates to open. This animation in the intro is cool. "Featuring Kaylee Hartung." Eagles get the ball first. Hurts escapes the rush on third and 4 and gets the first down. Hurts goes deep to Devonta! But again the offense gets bogged down in the red zone. Field goal is good. Jefferson with a big play, but he's stymied on the next snap. Cousins, under pressure, can't connect with Osborn. Covey fumbles the punt after getting spun around but the Eagles recover. Eagles lose contain on the return, but there's a fumble and they get it back! Swift finally does something. That's three straight carries. These tight end screens aren't getting any yards. Hurts throws long and gets picked off. Then Mattison fumbles! Christ.


A quarterback counter? Really? Elliott misses right from 55. Goodell here with Vick and Curtis Martin. Cousins finds Hockenson for the Vikings' first big play. Two plays later he breaks a tackle and scores. Eagles staying on the ground and it's working. Slant to Brown has never been stopped. Vikings call time out to prepare for the Hurts sneak and still can't stop it.

Jefferson converts a third down at midfield. I'll note that Maddox is also now out for the Eagles. Osborn wide open in the flat. Jefferson makes the catch, but loses the ball at around the 1. Al and Kirk wonder if this is actually a touchback. Terry McAuley thinks it is. This is a booth review.


Call REVERSED, as they rule the ball went over the pylon when Jefferson lost it. Eagles ball. The rule still sucks, by the way. Scott with a 21-yard run to midfield and the Eagles suddenly have a shot at more points. They look deep but it's not there. Elliott from 61. It's GOOD. 13-7 Eagles at halftime. Cousins FUMBLES and Cox gives the Eagles the ball at the Vikings' 7!

Swift to the goal line. Guess what happens next. 20-7 Eagles. Cunningham blows up a screen. Third and four and Hurt finds Smith for a touchdown! Herbstreit notes that Harrison Smith didn't drop deep on that play. Cousins uncorks a bomb to the rookie Jordan Addison, and he spins away from Jobe for a touchdown. The Eagles may not throw a pass again, except for four-yard hitches to Goedert. Rashaad Penny finally gets a carry! The Eagles get the Vikings to jump on third and 3! Hold on Penny cancels out an A.J. Brown touchdown. Hurts goes for Brown again but he can't bring it in. Akayleb Evans got away with one. Osborn drops a big gain. Udoh, who's replacing Darrishaw (who's been trying to play hurt tonight) is getting carted off. Jefferson having a much better game than last time. Osborn left wide open again, this time for a touchdown. 27-21 with 7:41 left.

Can't cover an 11 with a 98, Vikings. Swift! Eagles have rushed for 225 yards tonight. Then Swift cuts back inside for a touchdown. Most of Jefferson's big catches tonight have been against Goodrich, but he took the ball away from Slay there.

Another Vikings fumble, but it's taken off the board by an offsides call. Touchdown Hockenson with 1:10 left. Eagles recover the onside kick, ensuring that the Vikings will fall to 0-2 in one-score game after going 9-0 last year. Though it does ALSO secure the backdoor cover, for those of you interested in such things. Cousins can't throw it that far. I'm not sure anyone can. (Eagles 34, Vikings 28)

Signal Finder: KC @ JAX, GB @ ATL, NYJ @ DAL, WSH @ DEN (end)

The signs of success: This is the Chiefs' only 1 p.m. kickoff this season, and it probably wouldn't be most other weeks. Mahomes gets hit and Donovan Smith ends up catching the ball. Donovan Smith is the starting left tackle. Charles Davis is wondering why the Chiefs even threw on third and a foot.


Jaguars struggling to snap the ball properly. Ridley drops a long ball but there's a flag, and it's on Snead for interference. Jags get three out of it. This is a fumble and Jaguars ball. Then Kelce gets hit with an unsportsmanlike conduct call afterwards. Are we really not going to show this review? That might be a lateral and a turnover. It is! Chiefs ball! Then Mahomes almost fumbles it away on the next play. THEN he throws deep and Sisco makes a leaping interception! Agnew gets a first down by about two inches. Pederson going for it on 4th and 5, or is he? They call time out. They go for it but Chris Jones sacks Lawrence.

Touchdown Moore, already a massive improvement over last week.

Calvin Ridley back? Flag on the Chiefs and it'll stand. It sets up ex-Bronco Brandon McManus for a 49-yarder, and he hits. Big run by Pacheco to start the second half. How does Kelce get that open? Iain: "Kelce finds a blank space for the score!" Come on, man. Chris Jones highlights montage. Eagle wonders if they were rope-a-doped on Jones being on a snap count. Davis says he thinks Jones is winning the discussions on the sideline about it. Lawrence goes deep to Kirk. Engram never tried this hard as a Giant. Zay Jones with a nice over-the-shoulder grab but he can't stay in the end zone. DPI gives the Jags first and goal at the 1.

Nobody buys the fake on this Lawrence bootleg. Run the ball, Doug. Jesus. Field goal squeaks through. McKinnon gets pulled down just short of the marker but the announcers seem to think he made it? Even forward progress doesn't get him there. Yeah, he's short, but the Chiefs pick it up on fourth and short. Chiefs moving backwards. Moore slips past the defense and that's that. (Chiefs 17, Jaguars 9)

Geno turned back into Geno at the end of regulation, then shredded the Lions in overtime. Lot of regression here. (Seahawks 37, Lions 31, OT)

Likewise, the winner of the "Who's going to screw up the end of this game worse, the Chargers or Mike Vrabel" contest ended up being the Chargers. (Titans 27, Chargers 24, OT)

No Aaron Jones, no Watson, and no Bahktiari for the Packers. Not great. Why is Mack Hollins a starter? (For the Falcons.) So many flags. How did Jonnu Smith catch that? Falcons are giving Ridder a lot of short passes, not letting him hold on to the ball. Smart. Four tight ends? OK. See now they're trying to get cute. Two passes from the 2-yard line? Just give the ball to Bijan. Well, that didn't work either. That entire sequence sucked. They go for it — and false start. HOT MIC! Falcons stuck settling for a field goal. Big spot here on a Dillon run. Packers challenge and it's successful. Touchdown Jayden Reed, who stepped on the pylon. Falcons get a fourth and 1 on a toss to Bijan. Touchdown London! 10-9 Pack at the half. Someone named Octavian Wicks has a touchdown catch for the Packers.


Another PI call against the Falcons. And now Reed has another touchdown. FLEA FLICKER to Hollins! Fourth and 4 and Ridder takes it in himself. 24-19. Not smart leaving Bijan open like that. Fourth and 7 with 8:17 left? Falcons kick it, which is probably the right move. Packers not only fail to get the Falcons to jump, but they jump themselves. Ridder scramble is ruled short. Falcons challenge. Still short. They go for it and GET it! Vilma thinks Bijan got this first down. Shockingly, he's right. Then this gets reviewed and they say he didn't. I didn't think he did, either. Falcons call time out before sending Koo out for a 25-yarder. It's GOOD with 1:01 left. Love gets plastered. Was this even caught? Dean Blandino doesn't seem to think so. Incomplete! Falcons win in spite of themselves. (Falcons 25, Packers 24)

So did Burrow come back too soon from his leg injury in camp, or is he just bad right now? (Ravens 27, Bengals 24)

Big catch by Lamb. Dak runs past the blitz and gets upended at the Jets' 5. Touchdown Ferguson, the first opening-drive touchdown the Jets have allowed in their last 15 games. Jets run a fake punt with a direct snap to the up man and it works. Quarterback sneak doesn't work, which allows Romo a chance to contrast it with the Eagles' sneaks and talk about how not every team uses the subtleties the Eagles have. 10-0 Cowboys in the second after a field goal by Aubrey. The Jets can't sustain anything offensively. Wilson to Wilson touchdown! Lamb with a great job holding on to this catch after getting hit in midair. Oh man, that's a pick-six for Sauce if he holds on. Deuce Vaughn making moves. Dak gets taken down. That's not pass interference. Touchdown Luke Schoonmaker. OK then. The Jets held AND roughed Dak on that play. Nice work, guys. They're going for two? Weird. It works, though. The Zach Wilson scramble has become the Jets' best play in the two-minute drill. Replay on the third-down incompletion shows DeMarcus Lawrence got his hands on that pass, making it come out wobbly. Jets get a field goal and trail 18-10 at halftime. Pollard breaks one off. Cowboys have two guys open on third and goal and don't score. Good stand by the Jets.


Yeah, there's a reason the Jets traded for Aaron Rodgers. And I would have sent Zach Wilson out in that trade. There was no reason to keep him around. (Cowboys 30, Jets 10)


Like, if the Giants lose today, they could be staring at 0-6 and a home game against Washington that they may not be favored in. The Giants score! The Giants KEEP scoring!

The Giants LEAD! But Barkley's hurt. Oh boy. (Giants 31, Cardinals 28)

What happened, Broncos defense? It was 21-3! Broncos taking their sweet time down two scores. Now their offensive line can't block. Wil Lutz in for a field goal with 1:50 left. (I didn't realize McManus had left Denver when the Broncos traded for Lutz.) Wilson throws up a Hail Mary but it'll be short. KNOCK IT DOWN! TOUCHDOWN BRONCOS! Two-point try is INCOMPLETE. Sutton wanted a flag and probably could have gotten it.



Are we sure it's Russ who's washed? (Commanders 35, Broncos 33)

Wait. Was Carrie trying to play drums last week? I'm very interested to see how this Dolphins defense functions without Jalen Ramsey, who got hurt in preseason and will miss the year. Marcus Jones is down for the Patriots, and he's replacing Jonathan Jones. Patriots hold the Dolphins to a field goal, like last week. Tirico tells us that there was a $250 million renovation at Gillette Stadium, to enclose it and put in that big new video scoreboard you're looking at. Eli Apple committing a stupid penalty? That's never happened before. Mac takes a shot deep but Bourne can't bring it in. FUMBLE. Dolphins ball! That dude's benched for the rest of the game. Waddle slips through some blockers and only doesn't score because he tripped over his own feet. Then he gets hit late and pops up in the defender's face. Marcus Jones is down again. In fact, Jones got hurt trying to stop Waddle, whose foot hit him in the head. Mostert goes left and scores. Dolphins challenging this incompletion, saying it's actually a fumble. Call STANDS. Pats are held to three. Tua's placing the ball well on this drive. But THAT one was a great play by Brandon Berrios between two defenders. He's ruled inbounds, which will cost the Dolphins a 10-second runoff. Quick pass to Tyreek for a touchdown. Tua was 7-for-7 on that drive. Dolphins have started to attack downfield more with all the injuries in the Patriots' secondary. Oh, this kick's getting blocked! Dude ran in from out wide and came in untouched (and almost unseen.)


Belichick challenging a spot? He's lost it. LOL at him angrily spiking the challenge flag. He's also (predictably) lost this challenge. Did Xavien Howard intercept this and stay inbounds? He did! Dolphins lead 17-3 after 3. Touchdown Henry and it's 17-10. Cris points out on the replay that all sorts of illegal things happened here, including Henry catching the pass after blocking someone. Tua corrals a high snap and hands it to Mostert, who salvages positive yardage. Leaping interception by the rookie Christian Gonzalez! Patriots ball! But the Dolphins force a three and out. Mostert! Touchdown! Another penalty on Apple. Cris says that's one of those penalties where "you just ask: Why?" proving he's clearly new to Eli Apple. Parker caught that? Huh. Juju gets shoved out of the end zone onto the field before making this catch. Touchdown Stevenson and it's a one-touchdown game with 5:25 left. Belichick does NOT like this personal foul call that sees Waddle knocked to the ground. But it's a helmet-to-helmet hit with no illusion of playing the ball, which is what Belichick claimed. The Dolphins have had some bad snaps tonight. Sanders from 55, but he's not good from 50-plus. He misses left. Mac finds Bourne near midfield. Chubb with a sack! Gesicki gets 14 on third and 18. They throw it to Gesicki, who gets stopped short, but he laterals it to a lineman, who might have gotten it? They're reviewing this. Tirico invokes the Dan Connolly kickoff return. They call him short.


Gesicki slams his helmet in disgust. And that's how the game ends! (Dolphins 24, Patriots 17)

It's a little weird that they put Fowler with Orlovsky and Riddick in the booth, but maybe it's just because Bryce Young's playing and Fowler's seen him more than the other guys. Shaq Thompson's probably the second-best player left on the Panthers. He's not a guy they can lose. I remain stunned that Michael Thomas is still a Saint. Saints gotta challenge this — Thomas caught that. Oh, the refs changed it? OK then. Carr and Tony Jones can't connect on third down. Saints go up 6-3 on another field goal. Carr makes another bad decision and this one leads to a Vonn Bell pick. Did Riddick call them the "Carolina Saints"? Now Young gets hit and he fumbles. And the Saints again can't capitalize. 6-3 Saints at halftime.


Van Pelt recaps the foolishness in Browns-Steelers. Fowler: "Thanks for sorting that out, Scott." Saints are buried in their own end. Panthers move on fourth and 1, making it fourth and 6. Piniero hits a 54-yarder to tie the game at 6. Juggling catch by Olave on the run. Touchdown! Jones! Wait, Johnny Hekker's in Carolina? Long drive ends with the Panthers losing four on third down and kicking a field goal with 5:30 left. Carr finds Shaheed deep. Olave on the move! He scores but this might come back? They ruled he stepped out of bounds at the 7. Touchdown Jones and that'll ice it. Young finds fellow rook Jonathan Mingo inside the 10. Thielen with a late touchdown. Young does everything wrong on this two-point try (rolls straight, throws across his body, AND into traffic) and Thielen still catches it. Onside kick fails, because of course it does. (Saints 20, Panthers 17)

Chris Stapleton and Snoop? OK then. And we start with a pick-six by Alex Highsmith! The Browns are BACK, ladies and gentlemen! It went off Harrison Bryant's hands, Fitzpatrick got it, the Bryant ran into HIM and knocked the ball out, but it went right to Highsmith. Browns come back with an actual drive but Joey Porter Jr. ends it with a pass breakup. Field goal is good. Now Grant Delpit intercepts Pickett! Watson gets sacked. Hopkins MISSES from 43 and the Browns get nothing out of it. Steelers don't do much, either. This Elijah Moore play is correctly ruled incomplete. Watson keeps and gets it, but Tomlin challenges it after the break because the ball came out, and even though the Browns got it back, was it across the line of gain when that happened?


Wait, they're saying the Steelers recovered it? Buck: "We're going back in time," as they go back to the first quarter by putting 22 seconds on the clock. Then the Steelers false start. Quite the exhibition here tonight. FUMBLE! Browns ball! FUMBLE! Did Olzewski even catch this? Delpit's on it again. Now HE fumbles, another Browns player tries to pick it up, and then the ball goes out of bounds. Aikman's not convinced the ball was caught in the first place. Call stands. Buck: "I'm being told this is definitely the end of the first quarter." Fitzpatrick's down for the Steelers. And Chubb's down for the Browns. Oh man — Fitzpatrick ran right into Chubb's knee. The cart's out and Chubb goes off to applause.

Game resumes and Watson finds Jerome Ford for a touchdown. They go for two (?) and get it (.) Jaylin Warren wheel route gets 30. Steelers get a field goal out of it. Pickens! 71 yards untouched. Pickett gets up slowly after taking a hit. The Browns jump on the PAT attempt, and the Steelers then decide to go for two (which they probably should have done originally.) Does the Holy Roller rule apply on two-point attempts? That's a yes. 16-11 Steelers. Steelers lobby for a flag on this Browns punt and get it. Aikman doesn't think the guy ever saw the fair catch signal. Hopkins drills one from 55. 16-14 Steelers at halftime. Boswell makes a 50-yarder after a shady snap. Ford takes a counter to the left side, gets a block from Watson, and goes 70 yards — but he stumbles and is ruled down at the 1, which he was. That's a STUFF. Pierre Strong Jr. punches it in. They get two after Watson gets flushed from the pocket. Watson overthrows Goodwin and Levi Wallace watches an interception go through his hands. Then Watson gets flagged for a face mask. You don't see that every day. Najee Harris finally waking up. Tomlin's about to lose this challenge on this Cooper catch. Dawand Jones, the Browns fourth-round rookie tackle filling in for Jack Conklin, is a massive human being. Njoku fumbles and it's Steelers ball! Pickett gets sacked by Takitaki. Watson hit and fumbles! Touchdown Watt! This is the best terrible game of all time. Ford's having a night. Whose dumb idea was that Pickett keeper?

Is Watson washed? He was bad after his comeback last season, he wasn't great last week, and he made some terrible mistakes tonight.

(Steelers 26, Browns 22)
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