Sunday, October 1, 2023

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: The Road Rises

No Kelce tonight after all. I've never heard of this woman. Is that Chris Jones up there?

Chad Henne banging the drum. Chiefs win the toss and defer. McKinnon reaches up and pulls down a third-down fling. Lions fake punt from their own 17? And they give it to the up man? It works!

Lions MOVING here. Touchdown Lions on an Amon-Ra crossing route. Don't let Mahomes out of the pocket. WHAT DID I JUST SAY? Cris: "You don't need me. Just watch the show." Lions sniff out the double reverse. But they don't see Rashee Rice in the end zone. 7-7. Chiefs defense clearly missing Jones. Snap hits the motion man? THAT'S Lions football! FUMBLE. There it is. That's a good punt. Oh COME ON, Mahomes. That's Justin Watson's second big play tonight. Hey, Lions, why did you accept the holding penalty? Touchdown Blake Bell? OK. Mahomes gets picked off on a deflection! Touchdown Brian Branch! That pass went right through Toney's hands. Mahomes now misfiring somewhat. Don't love the Lions punting from midfield. That's pass interference. Toney mishandles another one, but at least he only dropped it this time. Donovan Smith kneed Hutchinson in the chest. Field goal is good. That's not a fumble on the punt return — James's elbow clearly hits the ground. McAuley notes that right tackle Juwan Taylor is nowhere near as far up on the line as he should be. Cris likes being surprised by Carrie's Sunday Night Football song. It's... the same every year? Chiefs get another field goal. Big catch by Reynolds. And another one. David Montgomery runs with power and scores! Lions lead! Jet sweep but the Lions don't bite, and the Chiefs punt with 5:38 left. Lions got for it with 2:32 left from the Chiefs' 45, but the Chiefs knock the pass down! ANOTHER drop by Toney. Then Moore catches the same pass, but a hold brings it back. (And of course it's on Donovan Smith.) Now the Chiefs are going on 4th and 20 with 2:09 left. A false start makes it 4th and 25. That's incomplete. Two minute warning. First down Lions! THEY'RE TAKING KNEES. How about their fans traveling? Props. They hadn't won their opener in seven years!

(Lions 21, Chiefs 20)


Signal Finder: SF @ PIT, CIN @ CLE, TEN @ NO (end), JAX @ IND (end), PHI @ NE, GB @ CHI

Burrow's new extension dropped right after kickoff Thursday night, 5/$275 million. Garrett rushing from the middle? OK then. The Browns, on the other hand, need Watson to be a lot better than he was when he came back last season, There's a press conference at 2 about the guy who escaped from a suburban prison last week. I guess they caught him? Fumble by Jerome Ford ends a promising Browns drive. The Bengals' offense is bogged down right now. So is the Browns', if we're being honest. The cart's out for Jack Conklin, which isn't a good sign. At least the rain's stopped? Mixon gets nothing on third and 1. (Turned to the press conference. They think dude's still in Pennsylvania, for some reason, and they have a van on a trailer.) Elijah Moore making MOVES. Nice catch by Peoples-Jones. Watson scrambles and scores. 10-0 Browns at halftime. Watson throws a terrible interception right to Dax Hill AND the Browns were holding. McPherson misses from 51. Garrett wrecks Burrow on fourth down. And the Browns turn it into a touchdown. Two-point try is... good? Good. 24-3 with nine minutes left. Burrow pulled for his own protection. Hey, the Princeton kid's in for the Bengals. The Browns haven't won a Week 1 home opener since 2003? That's... actually not that surprising when you think about it for more than three seconds. (Browns 24, Bengals 3)


Good for her! 49ers' pass rush is twitchy to start. McCaffrey gets stopped on third and 1. Kittle's playing, to the surprise of some, and he gets the fourth down conversion. Touchdown Aiyuk as he was just sitting in the middle of the end zone. Oh, the defender slipped. Later, Diontae Johnson slips and Charvaris Ward picks off Pickett on a high throw. Wet field? Four Steelers jump offside. (At least.) AIYUK! He outfights Patrick Peterson and that's another touchdown. 17-0 49ers. Warner drops a possible pick-six. That's more pressure than Clelin Ferrell ever brought as a Raider. Pickett is under siege. Did Watt knock the ball out on this sack? Somehow the 49ers keep it, as Purdy reached behind his back to hold on to it. They rule that Purdy was down. Tomlin throws the challenge flag but he'll probably lose, and he does. Field goal makes it 20-0. That's a good kickoff return. Do the Steelers have a first down yet? I'm serious. Harris JUST got their first one right after I asked. Suddenly the Steelers' offense has awakened. Poor throw by Pickett on third down. They're going for it? They get it. Touchdown Freiermuth! 20-7 Niners at halftime. McCAFFREY! Aiyuk and McCloud with good blocking downfield and that's a 65-yard touchdown. I don't see this getting any better.

(49ers 30, Steelers 7) BIJAN. Bryce Young? Not so much so far. (Falcons 24, Panthers 10)


Refs are reviewing this Shaheed catch but that should stand. Jamaal Williams run seals it. (Saints 16, Titans 15)

Why does Justice Hill have two touchdowns? And apparently Dobbins has gotten hurt AGAIN, so he'll probably have more. Dude's cursed. WEEK 1 SCORIGAMI. Praise be. (Ravens 25, Texans 7)

No need for Richardson to take off there. MInshew comes in to likely finish the game, with only 59 seconds left. (Jaguars 31, Colts 21)

J.J. Watt joined The NFL Today? Huh.

The Patriots are down three starting offensive linemen. Let's ruin this party.


Eagles get the ball first. Bad snap, but the Patriots were in the neutral zone. Those things might be related. Good run by Gainwell. Hurts on a draw gets 14 on third and 11. Judon gets a free run at Hurts on the following third down. Elliott hits from 32. It's Nantz's 20th year as CBS's No. 1 NFL guy. Zeke's a Patriot now, and he goes right for a first down. Intercepted by Slay! Touchdown! That wasn't a great throw and Bourne couldn't handle it, and it's 10-0 Eagles early. And now Zeke fumbles (a rare event in itself) and Zach Cunningham falls on it. Defensive holding negates a sack. Devonta with a sliding catch for a touchdown. Extra point goes wide but it's already 16-0. Juju can't handle a low throw and the Patriots punt again.

Now both offenses look sluggish. Pats go deep for Bourne but Slay breaks it up. Juju makes a play, then Mac finds Damario Douglas across the field. Ty Montgomery's still in the league? Hunter Henry reaches up and pulls in a touchdown. That's a tough call on Dickerson for a chop block. Wait, he TRIPPED. What? Sweat gets drawn offsides. Mac scramble? Touchdown Bourne, who outran Bradberry. Good punt return by Covey. That slant to Brown hasn't been stopped yet. Holding on Mailata creates first and 20 and eventually leads to a 56-yard Elliott field goal try — which he hits! The Eagles' defense looks tired. Two offensive holding penalties have set the Pats back here. Then they lose yards on a sweep and are out of field goal range. Bama really had Hurts, Tua and Mac all at the same time. And now they don't have anyone. Elliott makes it 25-14. Bourne. Juju. Bourne again for a touchdown! That was FAST. Mac scrambles and gets the two-point try, but it's coming back for holding, and they don't get it the second time. Hurts gets PLASTERED and the Patriots recover! Why not slide there? Sweat with a TIMELY sack. Eagles can't convert and the Pats will get a final shot with two minutes left. Oh, they're going for it? They throw it and it's incomplete, and Christian Gonzalez may have gotten away with a hold.

Gesicki left wide open on the sideline. Jalen Carter gets his first sack. Fourth and 11. Mac finds Boutte at the 8, but it looks like he's out of bounds. Call REVERSED. WHEW. Sirianni's won all three of his season openers, all of which have been on the road. (Eagles 25, Patriots 20)

Bears run two straight quarterback sneaks and fail to fool the Packers both times. Here's Jordan Love. Packers now moving backwards. They bring out the chains after this Doubs catch, and it's a first down. Ill-advised shovel pass falls incomplete. Touchdown to Doubs. Bears getting jumpy on the offensive line. They've used three different running backs on three straight plays. Fields takes off and gets hit and we've got some unpleasantries being exchanged. That's a legal hit, but then D.J. Moore shoves Jaire Alexander in the back after it's over. Offsetting penalties, but somehow that's not one of them. Second field goal makes it 7-6. Wait, Mason Crosby's gone? 10-6 Packers at halftime. Big catch and run by Aaron Jones to get inside the Bears' 10. He scores three plays later. Bears do nothing. Another touchdown for Jones, but he pulls up holding his leg afterwards and he's on the bench. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Bears force a three-and-out after that, then Fields finds Mooney for a touchdown. Two-point conversion makes it 24-14 after three. Then the Packers score, then Quay Walker gets a pick six.


Some things never change.

OOF. (Packers 38, Bears 20)

TUA. Go off, son. That game-winning pass to Tyreek was art. (Dolphins 36, Chargers 34)


This is the correct response. (Rams 30, Seahawks 13)

The hell is this outfit, Carrie? At least they've gotten rid of the unnecessary key changes this year. Tirico describes "The unmistakable New York skyline" which they are nowhere near. Barkley gains four on the first touch of his last season as a Giant. Darren Waller's wearing #12? Jones gets hit in the head as he slides. Good bootleg. Bad snap! BLOCKED FIELD GOAL. TOUCHDOWN COWBOYS. That was ridiculously easy. PAT is... no good? Wait. The Cowboys' new kicker didn't kick in college, and only started kicking this year in the USFL? Who's making these decisions? Parsons flies through the gap and gets to Jones. Lamb freezes McKinney with a stop-and-go and gets about 20 more yards. New kicker's name is Brandon Aubrey, and he make a shortie to put the Cowboys up 9-0. Barkley gets the pass knocked out of his hands and Bland runs it in for a touchdown! The Giants are starting two rookie cornerbacks? Jeez. Cowboys go for it on fourth and 3 around midfield and get it just to piss the Giants off.


They add another field goal and it's 19-0. Now this is ruled an interception by Stephon Gilmore and it's Cowboys ball AGAIN. Unless it skipped off the turf and not his hands. It didn't, and this place is silent. Touchdown Pollard. Hooker almost gets another interception. Giants driving? Jones gets sacked. Gano MISSES. This game's over.

Phil Simms, Jeff Hostelter and Eli are here to support a group for suicide prevention, which may be extremely needed on the premises at this moment. Pollard fumbles a pass but the Cowboys still keep it. A touchdown here may end Dak's night. Touchdown Pollard. And let's see. Well, Jones has been sacked six times now, so he probably shouldn't stay in this game any longer, either. This massive leg tattoo Dak got — it was 11 hours in total, right? You can't do that shit in one session, right?

Jesus. Get your starters out before someone dies. Are they gonna be able to turn the field around in 24 hours for Bills-Jets tomorrow night? Let's find out! (Cowboys 40, Giants 0)

Did her mic cut out? That was weird. Bills get one first down and that's all. "Here comes 8." But it's Breece Hall who gets 26 on the first play. Rodgers eludes a sack and throws it away, Oh my God. Rodgers is down. He's being helped off and Zach Wilson's in the game.


He completed a pass! Buck saying that there's a cart over by the medical tent. They load him onto it and Peyton's in shock.



Now James Cook is outshining big brother Dalvin so far. Bills are driving. Sack sets them back. Bass hits from 40 over Peyton's objections. Good throw by Wilson to convert third and long. But he gets sacked on the next one.

Allen gets stood up and the ball comes out, but the refs rule forward progress was stopped. This throw is too long and it's picked off. HALL!!! 83 yards and he doesn't score? That's so Jets. They end up kicking a field goal and we're tied. Rodgers ruled out with an ankle injury of some kind. Allen finds Davis in a crowd. Then he rolls right and flips it to Diggs for a five-yard touchdown. The officials take a look to see if Allen had crossed the line of scrimmage — he just barely didn't — and it's officially 10-3. Matt Milano picks off Wilson and gets hit with a taunting flag afterwards. That throw was why the Jets traded for Rodgers in the first place. LOL some Jets fan just flipped the bird on camera.

Buck says this 24-hour stadium turnaround hasn't happened since 1987 AND there were two big concerts here last week. Refs pick up a holding flag. Quincy (not his younger, larger brother Quinnen) Williams with a pass breakup in stride. Field goal makes it 13-3 Bills at halftime. Zach Wilson just blew that drive and the Jets are stuck kicking another field goal.

Jordan Whitehead picks off Allen AGAIN, this time in the end zone! Quincy's having a night. That punt was almost blocked. Hall's trying to win this game all by himself. And Allen's trying to lose it all by himself. That's THREE interceptions for Whitehead! Zach Wilson finds a wide-open Lazard. OH MY GOD TOUCHDOWN GARRETT WILSON. He juggled that three times. We're somehow tied with 4:55 left. Now Allen mishandles the snap and the Jets have it!

And now we got a fight. They'll measure after this short Dalvin Cook run. I don't think he got there. That's about a foot, if that. Jets go for it. Wilson sneaks it and gets it, which, as Aikman pointed out, keeps the clock running as well. Legatron's a Jet? He just gave them the lead with 1:45 left. Allen takes a hit after a run. They get Diggs for OPI! Allen beats the blitzing safety and finds Diggs for 15. Bills use their last time out. Bass on for a 50-yard try with six seconds left. CLANG and it goes through! It actually hit the flag. Bills win the overtime coin toss. Not a great punt. Kid's got a block. TOUCHDOWN.
Xavier Gipson, take a bow. (Jets 22, Bills 16, OT)
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