Tuesday, September 21, 2004

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Quality Milkshakes Or Suffer The Consequences

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at Exit 16W off the New Jersey Turnpike, and if you stand in the right spot, you might recover a Redskins fumble. There is a Rutherford proper, FYI. What in the blue hell was going on here? Some D.C. columnist actually called the NFC East "wide open". Not after this display, it's not. Joe Gibbs teams didn't used to do this; then again, Joe Gibbs teams used to be intelligently constructed. Two good games in a row from Warner. Hold the phone, people. This is also This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close, to get that out of the way.

We're starting a petition at the office that Roethlisberger must be referred to in the media as Ben Jones. Who's in?

PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I can't imagine anyone having to sit through Broncos-Jags - just seemed like an exercise in tedium and agony. How is this team 2-0?

The Falcons beating the Rams was both surprising and not. Discuss.

Not one mention of Rex Grossman in the Bears' highlights. Odd. But who cares when you've got Mike Brown wrecking shop? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Then HE went down. How did this one happen?

Roy's wearing #11? What, are we back in the Run 'n' Shoot days where they had 19 wideouts on the roster?

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Dave Wannstedt, 2. Kellen Winslow II, 3. Brad Johnson, 4. A Washington Redskins offensive player, 5. A Baltimore Ravens offensive player.

So it's Patriots > Colts > Titans, then? Is that it? And the radio call on the Harper interception was HIGH-larious. "Mason's got it! No! Harper took it away from him! FUCK!" Okay, maybe I made that last bit up.

The Bills haven't visited the Raiders since '77? The Jets go there every damn year, it seems. I wonder when somebody realized the Rice streak was about to end.

What's the turnaround time for game film distribution? Because apparently the Browns and Cowboys decided that the Redskins-Giants game needed to be repeated. There wre damn near back-to-back picks at one point, which houls lead to a forced stoppage or something. I'm only harping on this because Vinny's been making the same mistakes for eighteen years. They're not gonna win with him. I honestly believe that. Also, who here knew before that that you could onside a free kick?

It's genuinely frightening how much Chris resembles Phil. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL.

Prophecy of the Week: "Caveat: no Brian Simmons or Deltha O'Neal, though." And who ran back an interception for a TD? Maguire killing the Dolphins' O-line throughout the second half was nutty. The old Bengals lose this game. No two ways about it. I think this Palmer kid's gonna be all right.

Why hasn't anyone started calling Reid "Mr. Monday Night" yet? Note to self: Consider starting L.J. Smith. All of a sudden, the Eagles' pass rush just exploded and they were chasing Daunte all over the field. This "settling for field goals" business isn't gonna help anyone. That wasn't Daunte that fumbled at the goal line; it was a member of the Washington Redskins. You HAVE to score touchdowns in this league. The game ended at that point. Before Gates complains, Moss did push the guy, though I will cop to some acting on Hood's part. I'm impresed that Donovan got that much drag on his moonwalk in cleats. How many false starts did the Vikings have? Would it have killed them to throw deep more than, oh, ONCE? Are you like me and was somehow expecting, I dunno, more points?

This Week's General Observation: PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Duh.

Fantasy Report:
XLFaPa: Jeff KICKED MY ASS. Didn't he beat me in Week 2 LAST year, too? Brad Johnson: -1.32 points. That's all you need to know. With K2's injury, Jim Kleinsasser was dropped for Marcus Pollard.

tSC: As I told Rob, I doubted Emmitt's ability to duplicate last week's effort against the Patriots. Thanks to the Ravens' D playing like they should (20 pts.), the Saboteurs beat Rob like he owed us money, which he actually might ;)

RANKINGS~:
TOP 3:
1. New England - Who betta?
2. Seattle - Two road wins in two tough places
3. Philadelphia - Bend? Sure. Break? Nope

BOTTOM 3:
30. Miami - At least they still have the Heat
31. (tie) Arizona and San Francisco - "I would take the Under Armour team over the Cardinals and 49ers." - Robert Cressey, Cincinnati

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