By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: Tread Carefully, Cowher; The Last Two Guys To Beat The Pats? FIRED

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at the frozen... plastic grass... of Ralph Wilson... Stadium. Yeah, that'll never catch on. So the Bills have just decided to stop throwing, I guess? Is that it? Oh, it's windy out. All right then. Oh, shit, he landed right on his head. Why's Pennington on the bench? Did the Bills just win this game?

You know, these two teams shouldn't be getting into pregame fights with the guy who puts the CO2 in the soda machines, much less each other. Somebody want to do the work for me and stack up Emmitt's career stats against the entire Dolphins' offense's? I pity the poor bastards who had to sit through this farce. And McCown does it again! OK, not really. BREAKING NEWS (naw, for real, dog): Wannstedt to resign.

Ward's rendition was better than T.O.'s, mostly because he has the benefit(?) of seeing Ray do it close up twice a year. Forty-two minutes? 42 MINUTES? Didn't they do the EXACT SAME THING last week? Dear Lord, the sky is NOT falling. Credit where it's due, people!

The Skins can play some D despite the fact that they should've used the Brunell money for a pass rush. Though their punt blocking schemes appear to be in fine shape. Hey, a Clinton Portis sighting! Where have you been since Week 2?

The Chiefs are back... who else would give up 34 to the Bucs?

Parcells is coming unglued. "Would you put Drew Henson in the middle of this?" I wouldn't want to be these guys next week. The only people scared of anybody on the Cowboys' offense are Cowboys fans. The orange unis... no. Just no. They were wrong when the Browns tried it, and they're wrong now. Leave them to Clemson; we'll all be better off.

Dillon's back. Can he play corner? Never mind, Troy Brown will do it. "Earthwind Moreland"? What, is his middle name "Fire"? (Cultural aside: Why do we DO this to our kids?) ADAM VINATIERI, PINPOINT PASSER. Martz: "I don't think that was the trickiest thing in the world. I mean, where was he going, to the john? We've got to pay more attention than that." Nice catch by Vrabel, too.

How the hell do you give up 28 straight points to the BEARS?!?!? The ALCS turned me into an ESPN Radio junkie, and Randy Mueller was on Sports Bash Monday saying how the Giants have done the opposite of what a team coached by a guy like Coughlin is supposed to do (like give up 28 straight points to the Bears.)

MY EYES! MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING!!!

Ladies and gentlemen, YOUR New Orleans Saints! *crickets chirp* Free idea for Chargers management: trade Rivers (who you DIDN'T NEED) to the Packers. It worked out all right last time.

Well, that's one way to score on the Ravens. You know, it's the halfway point and I still have no idea what to make of the Browns. Yeesh. That ball went right through Shea's hands WHILE Ray was dragging him down. You need to catch that pass.

Just FALL ON IT. Somebody FALL ON IT. They're using Edge tonight. How about that. Nice to see some defense in the early going. OK, that punt should've either been blocked or never caught, and I'm mildly surprised Dungy didn't challenge there. THAT, Jake Plummer, is how you throw with your off hand. Did the Vikings ever get around to using that last time out? I was sorely disappointed in the lack of scoring in this game.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. T.O.; 2. Jim Haslett; 3. Lance Johnstone.

FANTASY REPORT

XFLaPa: Lost again (5-3, L2). The worst scenario in a larger league like this is losing a quarterback, since the only ones available at this point in the season are available for a reason. And most of the extra guys aren't any better than Josh Freakin' McCown. Trade efforts have thus far been rebuffed. Come back soon, Byron. The Seagulls need you.

tSC: WON again (8-1, W7). And again, was running neck-and-neck with Aaron until MNF (Harrison/Wayne vs. Bennett/Vanderjagt) and held on to win by three.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. Pittsburgh - Now with the power to STOP TIME
2. New England - Boston's mastery over St. Louis continues
3. Philadelphia - It was bound to happen

BOTTOM 3:
30. Arizona - Probably should've lost
31. San Francisco - Apparently looking to 2006
32. Miami - I'm slowly running out of material