By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Less Wheat, More Chaff

YOU ARE LOOKING LIVE at a big-ass pirate ship. Seriously, have you seen this thing? It's HUGE. What's odd about the Bucs is that they're not on top, nor are they a laughingstock - they're just an afterthought. Yet they're the one team that's managed to have pretty consistent success controlling Vick. They've still got some players, and it's not like Gruden forgot how to coach. Mora: "We sure know how to lose, don't we?"

*crosses off Cardinals* Even the bad Kerry Collins would've been better than this collection of stiffs.

Huh. Bledsoe's still starting. I'll be damned. Isn't the December Bills-Dolphins game always in Buffalo? What happened? LINEMEN RUNNING WITH THE FOOTBALL. I read there were even problems with the anthem. Have the Dolphins always had this many problems and we're just now seeing them?

Bulger better be OK because Chandler won't last more than two weeks before his leg falls off or something.

Hey, look! It's Chad Hutchinson! Urlacher came back, too, which was kind of forgotten. But the Bears have been pretty forgettable anyway. Wow, this has been the best Bears quarterbacking performance in YEARS. And now it's all coming apart for Culpepper. Are they trying to blow this again?

*crosses off Saints*

It's an onside kick FESTIVAL. You know, Volek's not all that bad. This may be the greatest first quarter ever. They did it AGAIN!! Unfortunately, it was all downhill from there. Well, unless you're a Colts fan. There aren't words left to describe what Peyton's doing.

I... I don't know. It's like a sustained bombing run. I think you throw this game out if you're the Packers. Favre: "They're better than us, I know that."

Broncos. Chargers. CHARGERS?!? It's huge. Is LDT fully healed yet? The Chargers' defense is playin gout of its mind here - getting tips, knocking balls down. I think only one of the interceptions was actually Plummer's fault. Man, that play at the end... you're not supposed to have brain freeze in San Diego. Sing it. Sing it! SING THE SONG, BITCHES!

*crosses off Giants* I guess Coughlin realized they were playing over their heads in the first half, but why would you make the switch to Eli when he'd face the Eagles, Redskins, Ravens and Steelers defenses all in a row? You know who's been awful quiet this year is Jeremy Shockey. The Redskins should be putting up this many points every week, and Portis should be getting this many touches every week.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Any Seahawks defender; 2. Darius Watts; 3. Josh Scobee; 4. Jim Haslett; 5. Jake Plummer.

What's up with all the Jags' receivers having numbers in the teens? I don't think any announcing crew breaks down replay challenges better than these guys. What hasn't been said too much about Ben's struggles is how Plaxico was his favorite target and he's been out for three weeks or so. Uh-oh, it's late in the game and it's close. Here's your first big two-minute drill, Ben. Make it good. Aaaaaand he DOES! But that's still too much time left for the Jaguars. Wow. If that kick's on-line, I think he makes it.

OMG A JERRY RICE SIGHTING. This could get out of hand in a hurry. And it is - just for the other side. That's, what, 26 in a row? Oh, look, Vinny throws a pick at a crucial moment. That's never happened before. This other corner for the Cowboys is getting abused tonight - who knew they'd miss Pete Hunter so much? I'll say this: at least the Cowbys picked a running back when the time came. This is turning into the Baltimore game from last year. Keyshawn was... out of bounds? That's close. Then they get the onside kick. Whaaaaaaaat? You CANNOT let a team run the ball on you like that in the last two minutes. Holmgren: "Let's just say it. We should win those." This should never have happened. I move that the Broncos replace the NFC West winner in the playoffs. Who's with me?

FANTASY REPORT
XFLaPa: It's over. My sorry collection of running backs let me down all year, and the Seahawks' defense doomed me in the end, as I lost 107.58-77.71. Small consolation is my overall point total of 1032.31 was only exceeded by the top three teams. Finish at 6-7.

tSC: Johnny beat me in a meaningless rematch, as we were locked into 1 and 2. Tyler awaits in the first round. Why do 8 of 10 teams get into the playoffs? What is this, the NBA?

RANKINGS

TOP 3
1. New England - Hey, we can pile up points, too
2. Pittsburgh - A narrow escape
3. Philadelphia - Class of the NFC

BOTTOM 3
30. Cleveland - Needs to re-think things
31. Miami - Beached
32. San Francisco - What's left to say?