Big In 2003 (besides stealing from Butch)

Favorite CD: Ben Folds Live

Favorite movie: X-2. Don't get to the movies much.

Trend I'm most sick of: Reality TV/Paris Hilton (tie)

My favorite new toy: Madden 2004's franchise mode

I'm totally obsessed with: Honestly, nothing

Best sex I've had this year: *dies laughing*

My 2003 regret: Not doing enough. Just in general.

Word or phrase of the year: "That's it! THAT's the list!" - Tony Kornheiser after every Top 5 on PTI

Who most needs a Queer Eye makeover?: Mark from work. And it's not even close.

Is Kobe guilty?: Of adultery, yes.

Ambition for 2004: Clean up this mess

Best song I downloaded this year: Talib Kweli - "Get By"

The drunkest I was this year: Hmmm. Probably the Tom and Nancy go-away bash

Where I'll be on New Year's Eve: Damned if I know.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 17

In Which Grooves Are Busted, History Repeats Itself, And Things Fall Apart

31-0? Hey, wasn't that the score of...

Donovan's celebration... yeah. I don't know where that came from. I blame Rob and his JIB agents. I had Westbrook on my fantasy team and I didn't realize he'd scored that many touchdowns. That's gonna hurt. Spurrier has to realize by now that what he's doing isn't working. And PLEASE tell me I'm not the only one who saw the Brian Dawkins German suplex.

My only guess is that the Eagles winning prompted Fox to change our game from Cowboys-Saints to Rams-Lions. This was... it was like the Rams thought it was "first to 20 wins" or something. I'd say they got up and left but Bulger just got sacked again. There's been an Otis Smith sighting! This happened to the Eagles LAST year, too, just with far less convoluted results (Jets, after learning the Pats beat Miami to give them life, lay smack down on Packers and win division; loss sends Packers from #1 seed to #3, where they get beaten by Vick). You can't drop your finale to the Lions' C-teamers. You just can't.

Me? I also got to watch the Bengals' dream die. Still, 8-8 is enough to get Marvin the key to the city at LEAST. Am I the only one surprised that Suggs didn't hurt himself on the touchdown run?

Neil O'Donnell! I don't care what your cap situation is, you've gotta find a way to keep three quarterbacks in today's NFL. Did we ever figure out what happened to the Bucs? Meanwhile, the Texans were putting it on the Colts until everybody remembered what was going on. Edge went nuts, and the Strickland interception basically decided the game. Forty-one in a row's nice, Vanderjagt. But if you get a shot next week and blow it like you did in 2000, you'll never hear the end of it.

The Cardinals have picked some people off at home this year, and the Vikings had been spitting up against bad teams, but this... I never would have expected this. I didn't see the official signal "push" the first time they showed the catch, so I didn't know why they were reviewing for possession at first. Chris said it perfectly - this should never have happened. The Packers invited Poole to the game. Free playoff game? Damn straight. And he's a Cardinal, so it's not like he's making any money ANYWAY.

I'd figured by this point that the Ravens would at least let Jamal get to 2,000 and then take it from there. Did anyone else find a lot of the playcalling completely nonsensical? Like the Ravens abandoning the run in the third quarter? Ray has twice as many interceptions this year as McAlister. Fake punt~~~~ Blood hatred~~~~ Dickerson's "I'm Not Nervous" sign~~~~ James initially thought Richey missed on purpose before being told it was from 52 or whatever.

TOP 3:
1. New England - They may not be stopped
2. Tennessee - McNair gets much-needed rest
3. Philadelphia - Third time the charm?

BOTTOM 3:
30. San Diego - The Chargers are ON THE CLOCK. My advice: Trade down and get off
31. Oakland - Players packing up Callahan's things for him
32. N.Y. Giants - No truth to the rumor team is changing logo to a tank

The Gathering

The Food:

Leg of lamb
roasted potatoes
collards

The Loot:

Ric Flair DVD
Soul Calibur II
Dave Barry 365-day calendar
three shirts, one a "RUST HTHR" color whatever the hell that is
Boogers Are My Beat by Dave Barry
two (!) Christmas ornaments
entertainment center

Illinois-Chicago Diary (Week 10)

Polls: WE HAVE A NEW NUMBER ONE. It’s 15-0 Alabama, who beat LSU and Mississippi State last week. Florida lost to both Georgia and South Carolina to drop to third. Oklahoma, the only other unbeaten team left at 16-0, jumped from No. 8 to No. 4. Maryland and Syracuse tumbled from fifth and fourth to 18th and 20th, respectively.

Recruiting: Meet the newest Flame:

PF Jared Street (6’8”, 188, Chicago; Sheridan, Wyo., JC)

We’re not quite sure where he fits in on our front line yet, but he’ll need to add weight for sure. Assistant coach Alonzo Bloom called coach Mills on Sunday and said there was someone a lot of schools had overlooked who could help solve our looming problem at small forward, and we gave the young man our final scholarship offer:

SF Sean Keyes (6’7”, 206, LaPorte, IN)

Awards:
Horizon League Player of the Week: PF #31 Martin Sanchez, 6’10” senior, Detroit (21.5 ppg, 10.5 rpg)
Horizon League Freshman of the Week: SF #24 Andy Hayes, 6’4” freshman, Wright State (17 ppg) And all was right with the world. Cooper was second in the voting.
National Player of the Week: PF Eugene Ellis, 6’7” senior, Bethune-Cookman (29 ppg, 14.5 rpg)
National Freshman of the Week: SF David Newby, 6’3” freshman, Charlotte (29 ppg, 20 rpg, 4 spg) 41 and 22 in an overtime win over Marquette.

Injuries: A little bit of good news — Miller’s recovering ahead of schedule and could be back in four weeks. However, it looks like Scott’s season is definitely over.

Game 17 Report
Illinois-Chicago (9-7, 2-2) at Wisconsin-Milwaukee (4-12, 0-4)
Saturday, January 18, 2003

The Horizon League has nine teams, which means there’s gonna be one week in conference play where a team only has one game. This is our week.

This also kicks off a strange four-week stretch during which we play the same three teams twice: this game, vs. Cleveland State and at Detroit next week, then at Cleveland State and home against these guys the following week, then Detroit comes in the week after that. So it’s the bottom-feeders mixed in with the preseason conference favorites. It’s probably our hardest stretch of the season.

For those of you who’ve forgotten, this is the team with the player from the Indiana School for the Blind on it. Freshman Greg Morrill has appeared in four games, played seven minutes total, took two shots and missed them both, and turned the ball over once. And yes, he is only legally blind. Maybe not even, but close. About 86% is what I heard.

Our initial problem as the Panthers took an early lead was stopping junior center Cory Felix. He got behind the defense for a dunk to start the game, hit a 16-footer a little later, and got his third basket on a layup in traffic. So a defensive switch was made, and we put White on him, leaving the shorter Williams free to defend off the post. Our second problem was a familiar one — our inability to take care of the ball. The Panthers got five steals in the first seven minutes of the game. To only be down 14-10 seemed almost miraculous. Our third problem was Correa picking up three fouls before the half was half over.

Fortunately, Fields was playing well off the bench, tying the score at 16 with the half nearly half finished on a jumper. The Panthers re-took the lead from the line before yet another “trademark” three-pointer by Muhammad tied it up again at 20 two minutes later. Jones actually played point guard for about a minute and a half to give Cooper a breather. Wagner gave us our first lead with a jumper, then Williams extended it with another jumper (What’s with all our big guys taking jump shots? Ah, well. At least they’re making them) and Jones drained a three that forced the Panthers to call time out. Is 13-6 really a “run”? I dunno, but we’ll take the 29-24 lead that went along with it. Three straight baskets by Damian Jackson put an end to the euphoria, however. Wagner got us the lead back with a putback, but the Panthers would score the last four points of the half and lead 35-31.

The second half didn’t start well for us, as we couldn’t stop the Panthers at all. They scored on their first six possessions to extend their lead to 49-40 at one point, and point guard Ian Okotie was becoming a fourth problem, as he’d come on in the later stages of the first half and stayed hot into the second. Poor free throw shooting on our part would likely be the fifth problem. The Panthers went back inside, to Felix and Jason Burch, and ran the lead to 62-50 before time was called. That was with 9:16 left. Two and a half minutes later, it was 69-55.

Nothing we tried defensively was working. Cooper got frustrated and committed a flagrant foul on Okotie, which left Mills steaming. We started chipping away at their lead, but we were losing time, and it soon became “give some fouls and make some threes” time. Two minutes left, down 76-68. Okotie missed the front end of a one-and-one, and Jones came down and hit a three. But Cooper fouled out on the next possession, and we got three shots at their end and missed all three, sealing our embarrassing fate.

An 11-point loss (82-71) to the worst team in the conference. Ick. Okotie had a double-double with 20 points and 10 assists to lead all five Panther starters in double figures. Williams led us with 17 while Jones added 15. Cooper had eight assists but only two points, and White only got one rebound the entire second half. We also turned the ball over 15 times to their seven.

Happy holidays to my five readers. See you this weekend.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16

In Which Fears Are Realized, The Unthinkable Happens - Twice, And Respect Must Be Offered

Dan Reeves was likely sitting at home cursing the gods. Who gave the Falcons' secondary recognition and coverage ability? Vick colliding with Duckett and STILL getting the first down was just... wrong. Bye-bye, Bucs!

Randy, about the hair. Never again. NEVER. You looked like Diana Ross. Fortunately for the Vikes, the Chiefs' defense PLAYED like Diana Ross. What was this? This was being horribly exposed, that's what. I said at the beginning of the season that their secondary was still weak. What had been saving them was their ability to force turnovers, and they haven't been able to do that recently.

They have to lose at some point, right? Right?

Funny yet sad was watching Nantz call the end of Titans-Texans on the post-game show. Is there anything he doesn't do for that network? And in a related note, is there anything McNair can't do for his team? Anything?

Quincy having to ask Richie Anderson to help him dump the bucket on Parcells was the funniest thing I'd heard all day.

Hang on, I'm being handed a bulletin... the Cleveland Browns have just been purchased by a J. Lewis, 24 years old, born in Atlanta. There's a statement here... he says: "I don't plan on making ANY changes."

I decided that the first lateral was straight across the field and it was all gravy from there. Then... oh man. I heard someone say the hold was botched and that that had been a problem recently? But Carney had only missed five extra points in his whole CAREER. Think about that. Forget walking back to New Orleans; he and Mitch Berger (punter/holder) oughta head south to Cuba. In separate rafts.

Why isn't Tony Parrish in the Pro Bowl? This is going to sound weird, but I'm kinda glad they lost. Because the pressure of keeping up the streak is gone (do YOU think anybody's gonna win 15 in a row?) Emmons really was one of the unsung guys on this team - he'd cover tight ends, blitz, really did everything from that spot. T.O. had already cost himself even more money with those drops, and that may be the most underpublicized broken collarbone in history. I can't really criticize Erickson because he did what Parcells didn't do two weks ago and stuck with the run. Though this team should be better than their record. Then Akers goes and misses two field goals. What's going on here? Why isn't Tony Parrish in the Pro Bowl? Even more importantly, we may have just gotten a Rams-Pats rematch.

First Bad Jake showed up and gave the Colts the early advantage. Then Good Jake showed up and kicked his ass. "We're the Denver Broncos, and we make backs great." It's a strange time when the Broncos making the playoffs is a blip on the radar.

Brett Favre r00lz. That is all.

Fantasy Report: Well, I benched Bruce and hoped against hope Portis could go. He didn't. Plummer outplayed Manning, but Moss and Barlow were the difference as Nate beat me in the USFLaPa finals, 107-91 (rounding up.) He'll face Sven in the Bacardi Bowl. The scores from MNF haven't gone up yet, but I'm fairly certain that had I gone with my gut and started Javon Walker, I would've won. Oh well. To even make the finals after the horrific start my original core players had was an accomplishment in itself.

TOP 3:
1. New England - History's least imposing-looking juggernaut
2. St. Louis - Bulger still perfect in dome home
3. Tennessee - This one was way too close

BOTTOM 3:
30. Cleveland - This wasn't supposed to happen, was it?
31. San Diego - Sputtering to the finish
32. Arizona - Going nowhere slow

ZING

Grand Theft Rob: you work for a newspaper, right?
IdeaMan405: Yeah
Grand Theft Rob: which means you could fake the articles I need of Chris Gates beating up Packer fans. :-D
Grand Theft Rob: right, right!
IdeaMan405: I could.
Grand Theft Rob: okay, okay. I'll bribe you. *slips Matt a penny*
IdeaMan405: Whether I will is another matter entirely. :-D
Grand Theft Rob: and there's plenty more where that came from!
IdeaMan405: Oh you're gonna have to do better than THAT.
Grand Theft Rob: you're a tough sell. *slips Matt a dime*
Grand Theft Rob: and this is for your trouble. *slips Matt a nickel AND a dime*
IdeaMan405: What the hell.
IdeaMan405: I can't even buy A STAMP with that.
Grand Theft Rob: *slips Matt a roll of stamps* I got postage, too, baby.
Grand Theft Rob: *holds out trenchcoat to reveal Priority Mail stamps*
IdeaMan405: Apparently the saying "Everything's bigger in Texas" doesn't apply to your wallet

Bow Down

The Cowboys hat for Mom has arrived from Texas.

My work here is done.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15

In Which Claims Are Staked, The Spotlight's Glare is Blinding, And The Hot Get Hotter

Can anything else go wrong for the Seahawks on the road? "The back judge falls down and trips up a receiver, thwarting a game-winning touchdown" has to be near the bottom of the list, right above "Mike Martz calls five straight running plays." What I take issue with is the Alexander run two(?) plays prior on 3rd and 1.

Why were the Vikings even trailing the Bears in the first place? What kind of sense does that make? Grossman should have been starting about six weeks ago, by my estimation. This is getting dangerously close to '64 Phillies territory, here. And Rob? THE BEARS BEAT YOU TOO. You should both be ashamed of yourselves.

The rest of the AFC better hope the Jets can pick off the Pats Saturday night. Losing home field may be the only chance anyone else has.

It took the Panthers long enough, didn't it? Congrats.

If I ever get down to Texas, I'm having me a steak and whatever's in that water that made Troy Hambrick a 900-yard back. Six takeaways by two guys. Oh man. Repent.

Marty: "Our plan was to stop Ahman Green." That may not have been wise. And really, they didn't even do that. This one was weird to follow during the cut-ins, especially in that fourth quarter when they were taking turns scoring on each other. Oh, and this just in: Brett Favre r00lz.

This ALSO just in: Wide receivers are insane. Chad's sign > Horn's cell phone (and I don't remember where I read it, but someone speculated on how many other guys had stuff hidden on the field that they never got to use). And is there another cell phone still under the goalpost at the opposite end of the Superdome? I must know.

Welcome to the last good Monday night programming of the year. No, I have not been forwarding Sven's treatises on how the Dolphins' DBs can be beaten deep. Not only was Mitchell a high school quarterback, he also played baseball. Many thanks to Al for explaining the rules on the Buckhalter touchdown, though I'm still not sure if he actually crossed the pylon or not. A lot of bad tackling on the Dolphins' part in this one. WISHBONE~~~~~! I believe this is the first time they've ever won in Miami, also.

Fantasy Report: Again, thanks to Portis and a poor showing by Scott's RBs, I was down by less than two going into MNF with Westbrook and Akers left. The first Eagles touchdown won me this game and earned me the right to get my ass handed to me by Nate in the USFLaPa finals.

TOP 3:
1. New England - Snowing out Florida teams by the... pair
2. Philadelphia - You can run on them... but you'll LOSE
3. Indianapolis - Peyton for MVP? Sure, why not

BOTTOM 3:
30. San Diego - At least Brees is playing again
31. Detroit - Just nothing good going on
32. Arizona - Brace yourself, Eli

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14

In Which Guns Are Drawn, The Electricity Returns, And The Falls Continue

I still don't know why the Cowboys stopped running the football. The snap whizzing past Quincy's head... awesome comedy. "I don't know what happened."

Did anyone notice that Marvin never touched the ball with his other hand? Now we find out that McNair on the field means opponents don't score, too. You know, something like that happened in a high school game I covered once, only it was at the beginning. "All right. We'll spot the other team 16 points, then we'll take the ball." I think at some point, you have to put another return guy out there. You know, the only big game Peyton hasn't won yet is in the playoffs.

It looked like Moss just had a way of finding the worst Seahawk DB and getting himself matched up with him. Then running past him. This is becoming disastrous.

"Brett! Chicago Bears!" "Oh. Right! Shit, what am I doing? I own these motherfuckers." Then they scored 381 unanswered points or whatever it was. For some reason Fox took me here after Cowboys-Eagles ended and I was all "The hell is this?" and turned to the end of Colts-Titans that CBS picked up at 4 AND THEN CUT TO JETS-BILLS. W. T. F.

One of the Toss-Ups on PTI today was between Ray and Jamal and the idea that Jamal could break 2,100 yards rushing and not only would Ray be voted the team's MVP over him, but Jamal himself would vote for Ray, who has suddenly become an intercepting machine. When did this happen? Whoever loses that division, I don't think they make it.

PORTIS FOR WORLD CHAMP.

I know that snow was still falling in Foxboro, but I think you've gotta try to get in underneath that and CLEAR OUT SOME DAMN SEATS. On the Bruschi interception, it almost looked like the ball traveled farther than he returned it, if that makes any sense. What was that about the Lawyer Milloy situation dividing the team?

Did the 49ers just score again?

Never before and again will a crowd be that jacked about a 2-10 team. Did Kasay touch Feely on the shoulder before kickoff and pass the virus, like in that Denzel/John Goodman flick? People complained to ESPN because the announcers were all Vick this and Vick that - hello, that was the STORY of the GAME. And, gee, it's not like he won the game by himself or anything.

The Dawg Pound wedding means a Black Hole wedding can't be far behind. Though in that case, I imagine it'd be more of a ritual sacrifice.

Fantasy Report: Portis's five TD's sent Weeba sprawling to the curb. Though I do wish I could bank some of those points, since I face Scott in the semifinals. Top-seeded Chaz is out, losing to Chris by about two and a half points.

TOP 3:
1. New England - King of the snow-covered mountains
2. Philadelphia - Biggest run in years
3. Indianapolis - Taking opportunity by the teeth

BOTTOM 3:
30. Arizona - Just a dismal state of being
31. San Diego - Have they given up on Brees?
32. Oakland - *snapping of bones and tissue*

I Didn't Even Have To Use My AK

Eagles 36, Cowboys 10.

The BCS under attack again.

As Bill Simmons says, "Good times... good times."

Gettin' Deals

This vacation seems to be agreeing with me so far.

Tuesday night, I decided I want Pizza Hut. So I called them, placed my order, and went to pick it up, since I'm also getting lottery tickets. I got to Pizza Hut, and they didn't have it. They lost my order. So I ended up re-ordering getting a free pizza out of it.

The next day, I found out that the deposits for my gas and electric bills came back, so I'll have two fewer bills to pay for the next couple of months. Why can't that ever happen to my cable bill? Bastards.

The big thing this week was Ska recruting some of us to play poker in the Open Internet Challenge. The Gaming Club fronted us $50, and the objuect is to try to turn it into $2,000 by December 22. So far, I've been up and down - being down to $42 at one point, then all the way up to $90 before a horrible night last night dropped me to $67. Oh, well, there's time.

By The Pigskin (Or Turkey Carcass) Of Our Teeth, Week 13

In Which Tradition Rules, The Status Quo Fails, And Weirdness Reigns

Our Thanksgiving meal of choice was Prime Rib. But really, any Thanksgiving meal goes down well with a side of Dallas Cowboy pulp.

I'm still not sure about the Lions' throwback uniforms, especially the pre-logo age helmets. They look... Tecmo Bowlish? I dunno.

Many have questioned the play-calling at the end of Pats-Colts, and rightly so. When you know that there's going to be a 360-pound human being in the middle of the defensive line you're trying to get past, you have to think that running may not be the best idea. I didn't have a problem with the fade route: I DID have a problem with somebody other than Marvin or Reggie Wayne running the fade route. Then that last play - a two-yard run has to develop faster than that. I don't know, people. The irony? I SAW the end of this game.

My alternative viewing was Bengals-Steelers, which was also all kinds of fun. I flipped back for the end after the Steelers went ahead. The big key was Bennett returning the kickoff to midfield; I'm not sure the Bengals would have made it otherwise. "After reviewing the play, the receiver got three feet inbounds." So THAT'S how they're doing it - GENETIC MANIPULATION. Alert the media!

John Kasay hadn't missed a field goal under 40 yards in FIVE YEARS. So he goes out and misses three field goals and an extra point. Missed them badly, too. After the extra point I was all "What the hell?!" Goal-line stands~~~. And don't ask me to explain why what happened at the end happened. I'm as clueless as you are.

I find it hard to believe, but Anthony Wright may have been the quarterback Brian Billick has been looking for. 88 points in two games? W. T. F. Did I cross off the 49ers last week? If not, I'm doing it now.

The Bears are only two back? Eh. They won't make it.

Damn it, Vick SHOULD be playing. Frankly, so should Brees and possibly Grossman too. It's the best way to improve (though Grossman's an ex-Gator, so odds are he won't improve anyway)

What have I been saying for the past three years? If Marshall Faulk is healthy, it almost doesn't matter who the quarterback is. Hell, even Isaac Bruce can crank off a pass if he wants. The fake field goal sounds like something Martz would call in that situation. Maybe he pulled the Jedi mind trick or something. Bulger has yet to lose in there.

And I do hope that Angie Harmon got as much screen time during her game as Elisabeth Hasselbeck did.

It's official - if the Saints win next week (and they might), they ARE playing this season backwards.

Imagine the frenzy if Smith and McCardell were still teammates. I don't know what to make of the Bucs anymore - I don't think they've given up, but it's like... I don't know. They're like a kid lost in the mall.

Who means more to his team, Vick or Pennington? And how did this happen, exactly?

Fantasy Report: Thanks mainly to Portis and Faulk (Ward also had 13 catches and Bruce THREW a pass), I beat the holy hell out of Chaz. Didn't matter, though, as the top three spots were already locked in. I'm the No. 3 seed at 8-5, facing Weeba in the first round. Gates got in when Brian came back to beat Jeff and Rob upset Wade to knock him out.

TOP 3:
1. Kansas City - Cut it way too close against sieve-like Bolts
2. New England - Brady starting to gather MVP buzz
3. Philadelphia - I know; I'm shocked too

BOTTOM 3:
30. N.Y. Giants - It's kinda sad
31. San Diego - Wade: "Tomlinson on the Chargers is looking more and more like Barry Sanders on the Lions. Someone please save that kid."
32. Oakland - Well, if the coach is the brains of a stupid operation...

Illinois-Chicago Diary (Week 9)

(Author's Note: I'm actually three weeks farther ahead in the game than what I'm posting here. But I haven't played recently, mostly due to Madden 2004's Owner Mode and planning and writing the Dyad Championship Match for Action's Players and Pawns [which I may devote a post of its own to when I finish the damn thing], so I'll be posting to try to catch up to myself.)

Polls: Florida lost! 89-79 to Tennessee on Friday. But they're still No. 1. The Vols moved up to No. 2, while unbeaten Alabama sits at No. 3. Five SEC schools are in the top 10.

Recruiting: Disaster. Winkfield swerved everybody (and I do mean everybody) as he signed with Southern Illinois. Even worse, our backup plan at SF, Antonio Morrison, committed to Central Michigan. And Alex Ahern signed with Southwest Missouri State. So, with only two weeks left in the recruiting period, last-minute offers went out to Street and:
C Jamison Harrington (6'11", 236, Central Catholic H.S., Lafayette, Ind.)
We're not sure why he's lasted this long. He's averaging almost 30 a game, though his rebounding numbers could be better. (Maybe that's it.) Several big programs have him as a fall-back option, but we're going after him hard.

Awards: Horizon League Player of the Week: C #11 Gabriel Ichaki, 6'6" senior, Butler (23.5 ppg, 15.5 rpg, 6.5 bpg)
Horizon League Freshman of the Week: PG #12 Chris Merton, 6'3" freshman, Wisconsin-Green Bay (14 ppg, 10 apg) Surprise! (Not really, actually.)
National Player of the Week: SG Demetrius Briggs, 6'5" senior, Dartmouth (27 ppg, 9 apg, 9 rpg, 8 spg)
National Freshman of the Week: SF Donald Dilligard, 6'3" freshman, Loyola Marymount (28 ppg, 5 rpg)

Game 15 Report
Illinois-Chicago (8-6, 1-1) at Wisconsin-Green Bay (5-9, 1-1)
Tuesday, January 7, 2003

These games are so unpredictable.

Early on, White was a demon on the boards and managed to do it legally to boot. We gave up and early three but used our advantage in the paint to put ourselves in it. Then the game hit a stretch where nobody could make a damn shot. The Phoenix (it's my understanding that they stopped Fighting several years ago) were shooting an inordinate amount of three-pointers and making more of them than we'd been led to believe they were capable of. But we hung tough and only trailed by three after seven minutes. Then, James Smith (or was it Josh? Must... check... PBP... more... closely) began to make some shots, and he helped extend the lead to 22-15 with 9:20 to go in the first half.

Things proceeded to get worse.

For a while, we couldn't make up any ground despite our best efforts. It didn't help that Jones, our leading active scorer, didn't get on the board until there were only five minutes left in the half. But James Smith sparked a run by the Phoenix that he put an exclamation point on with another three-pointer, giving them a 40-25 lead with 2:27 left on the first-half clock. Some uninspired (on our part) back-and-forth followed, and Phoenix reserve Mitch Cundiff hit a three at the end of the half for a 46-29 score.

James Smith is their leading scorer with 13.7 a game, and he already had 12 points at halftime. They had 12 assists to our three.

The guys came out of the locker room deadly serious. And they played like it, too - after a couple of early free throws, we went on an amazing 20-2 run over the next eight minutes that everybody got in on. It was good enough to give us a 51-50 lead with 12:47 to play, even. It ended up being a short-lived lead, but we were back in the game.

The Phoenix pulled away slightly, but improved defense on our part and James Smith being on the bench allowed us to come back. Muhammad hit another of his "trademark" threes with 7:30 to go to make it a two-point game again, and Fields tied it at 61 with seven minutes left on a nice baby hook. From there it was nip and tuck until the two-minute mark, when the Phoenix led 68-66 (we had two good looks underneath the basket to tie at around 2:20, but missed).

Two minutes left, our ball out of bounds, down two, both teams in the one-and-one and neither squad's been shooting the free throws particularly well tonight. White had four fouls of COURSE, and Merton and Josh Smith had four fouls for WGB. Correa's at three fouls. Williams tied the game with 1:33 left on a bank shot. We got a steal, but Cooper missed a 14-footer that would have given us the lead. The Phoenix got a fast break off of the miss, and Dan Gresham gave them a 70-68 lead with a dunk. 33 seconds left. Cooper drover the lane - and was fouled by Melvin Dearman. Remember, one-and-one.

Cooper... made them both. 70-all with 19 seconds left. The Phoenix got the ball in Merton's hands to create, but Cooper fouled him.

He missed the first free throw.

Jones came down with the rebound but didn't hear Mills yelling at him to call time, and he and Cooper ran the floor. Cooper got the ball and put up a shot with the clock running down...

And missed.

Overtime.

The first four possessions of overtime ended with turnovers before a Josh Smith turnaround jumper gave the Phoenix the lead. Nothing for us, then Dearman hit a fadeaway to make it 74-70. But Cooper came back with a big 3, then got fouled in the act on a fast break the next trip down. He made one of two to tie the game at 74. Gresham hit a jumper, but Cooper came back with one of his own. Tied at 76! The Phoenix took their time and worked the post, and James Smith got fouled. The foul was on White, and he fouled out with 27 seconds left in OT.

James made one of two, but rebounded his own miss - but Jones stole the ball! THIS time, he saw Mills signal and called time out. Cooper got the inbounds pass and was whistled for a very questionable travel, but the Phoenix lost the ball out of bounds on the ensuing possession. Seven seconds left. Cooper brought the ball up, turned, stopped, saw Correa and got him the ball. Correa's shot...

...missed.

77-76 final.

Ah, home court advantage. Nothin' like it.

This was a tough one to swallow, since we felt we could and should have won, especially after the comeback we had to make. Cooper had his best game so far, scoring a game-high 16 points and adding five assists. He was absolutely huge for us down the stretch and in OT. Correa had 15, while White had 11 points and 13 rebounds before fouling out. James Smith and Dan Gresham each had 14 for the Phoenix, but we shut down James very well in the second half and OT, as he only got two points after halftime.

Game 16 Report
Loyola-Chicago (6-8, 2-0) at Illinois-Chicago (8-7, 1-2)
Saturday, January 11, 2003

The first meeting of the season between the city neighbors and rivals. The Ramblers' size is deceiving; they start a 6'5" center, but their true "big man" is power forward Justin Mansell:

PF #42 Justin Mansell (6'9", 239, sophomore, Alexandria Monroe HS, Alexandria, IN)
10.4 ppg, 9 rpg (leads team), 3.1 bpg (leads team and conference), 2.49 GPA

They also bring 6'11" junior Russell Jordan off the bench, and he led them with 26 points in their 88-85 win over Wright State on Thursday.

Our plan? Go right at them; we have enough forwards (that's basically all our team is at this point) to handle any foul trouble they give us.

While it didn't work out quite that way at the start, it was an exciting beginning, each team missing only one shot in the first 4:40 en route to an early 11-11 tie. But no one would score for another two and a half minutes until a Correa free throw broke it. We went to our bench first but suffered little, as the score was 16-16 nine minutes into the game. Then the Ramblers reeled off an 8-2 run over the next two-plus minutes, only for us to respond with an 8-2 run of our own, tying the score at 26 on a White putback of a Jones miss at the free throw line. The half would end much the same way it began, with three straight makes, including a 16-footer from White at the buzzer to knot the game at 36 at the half.

White can be quite productive when he's not in foul trouble. He had 12 points at halftime, and Correa added nine. Mansell and Nathan Clay had eight apiece for the Ramblers. We must shoot better at the line; only 4-for-9 in the first half.

The Ramblers got the second half's first points from the free throw line, but we scored the next six. However, a bit of poor decision-making (and more bad free-throw shooting) left us with only a 43-42 lead four minutes into the second half when we should have been up by five or six. This trend continued, and the Ramblers were able to regain the lead on a Chris Paulding three with 13:31 left. A Cooper putback and a Wagner jumper enabled us to pull back into a 49-49 tie.

Greer sent Mansell to the bench with his fourth foul with 10:39 left to play. It's usually the situation we have with White, so it was nice to see it on the other side for a change. Another nice little flurry of consistent offense ended with us down two with 6:50 left. Substitutions were made, and we switched from our help defense (which the Ramblers were starting to beat more consistently) to a 2-1-2 zone. Jordan missed the back end of a one-and-one, and Greer's fadeaway got us the lead back, 65-64 with 4:03 left. Muhammad, gutting it out with four fouls, made the front end of a one-and-one, but missed the second shot, and two second chances also failed. Fields converted a three-point play when Mansell hacked him in mid-double pump, fouling out in the process. The shot banked in, and Fields made the following free throw. We were up five with 2:28 to go, and it's a good thing we already had the lead, because once again, only Cooper could make free throws down the stretch. A three by Dante Caskill at the buzzer preserved some of their dignity, but for us, a 76-69 victory still goes into the books as a victory.

We shot 66 percent from the floor and only 57 percent from the foul line. White scored 17 points for us. Cooper had another solid game with 13 points and eight assists and seems to be getting it. He's making better decisions, and is scoring more, mostly out of necessity. Correa added 14. Caskill and Ashley Phillips had 15 apiece for the Ramblers. Greer actually had more blocks than Mansell (3 to 2).

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12

In Which Killings Are Made, Panic Sets In, And Others Bite The Dust

Johnnyb452: WHY MATT
Johnnyb452: WHY
Johnnyb452: :'(
IdeaMan405: Give me your keys.
Johnnyb452: NO
Johnnyb452: NO I CAN STILL DRIVE
IdeaMan405: DAMMIT LISTEN TO ME
Johnnyb452: I CAN DRIVE DAMNIT
Johnnyb452: IT'S OK
Johnnyb452: *sob*
IdeaMan405: I'm not letting you within TEN MILES of that parking garage
Johnnyb452: Too late. I had to work tonight.
IdeaMan405: Aw shit. :-)

What's more unbelievable - the Ravens SCORING 44 points or GIVING UP 41? The officials did I don't know what at the end, but much like the Colts' comeback, the tuck rule game, and Bill Buckner, it should never have come to that.

Notice how without Dawkins, the Eagles' run defense suffers? It's because he allows them to bring Lewis up into the box and use single coverage on the outside. Blocked kicks~~~. See, at the beginning of the season, this game was the one I was worried about and I figured next week would be the cakewalk. Oh, how times change.

*crosses off 49ers*

It's only been two years, but the Texans are already at that stage where they're just good enough to give you problems. This just in: this Tom Brady? He's good, which I'm sure is killing Sven after all those Argo jokes he made two years ago. :)

You know, I probably would have had to sit through Steelers-Browns during the Eagles' commercial breaks. Maybe there was billiards on ESPN2 or something.

As if the Falcons didn't have enough problems. Now they can't field kickoffs. Billy Volek? Who in the BLUEST of all hells is BILLY VOLEK?

Chris Chandler's hurt? I am SHOCKED. Is that... is that KORDELL STEWART'S music? This may be Upset of the Year.

Anybody got the Rams figured out yet? No?

MY EYES! MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING! Actually, these weren't as bad as the Browns' all-orange look. Tim Hasselbeck's almost as famous as his wife is. Yes, just ALMOST. Then Fiedler comes off the bench and... leads a comeback? WTF. *crosses off Redskins*

Keyshawn who? This game gave me unneeded agita. Does anyone WANT the ball? I believe Smith leveling Toomer in the end zone led directly to Toomer dropping that sure touchdown later. *crosses off Giants* *and, really, the Bucs too*

Coming up: The return of the FOX ROBOT TURKEY.

Fantasy Report: ISAAC BRUCE SCORED A TOUCHDOWN. So I'm up ten after Sunday with only Thomas Jones left for the Minions, and I figure I'm golden if he doesn't score a touchdown. So what do you know? HE SCORES. Then I see him run back a kickoff and figure I'm screwed. I won by 1.07. I'm 7-5 and in with one more game against league leader Chaz, who I may be able to cost the top seed in the playoffs if I can pull an upset. Westbrook'll likely replace Randle-El. I can't finish higher than third, and am hoping Nate wins and moves up to at least fifth so I don't have to face him in the first round ;)

TOP 3:
1. Kansas City - Chiefs win gut-check against biggest rival
2. Indianapolis - Edge TAKES OVER
3. (tie) Dallas - Wins battle of surprises
(tie) Philadelphia - Do YOU want to face these guys right now?
(tie) New England - Ditto

BOTTOM 3:
30. Detroit - You'd think a team owned by the Fords would travel better
31. Arizona - Little help?
32. Jacksonville - Little MORE help?

Ya Think?

Fox Chief Says Second 'Joe' Was Greedy
Mon Nov 24, 3:52 PM ET

NEW YORK - A top Fox executive acknowledged Monday that "we got greedy" in ordering a second edition of "Joe Millionaire."

In nine months, the show has gone from one of TV's most surprising successes to the new season's most spectacular flameout. The final episode of its second season was to air Monday.

"Our instincts told us from the very beginning that `Joe Millionaire' was a one-time stunt and I think we got greedy," Sandy Grushow, Fox television entertainment chairman, said on Monday.

About 40 million people watched in February when hunky Evan Marriott revealed to the woman he picked that he really wasn't the millionaire. The series as a whole drew an average of nearly 23 million viewers.

Some critics doubted that the show's concept would bear repeating, but Grushow said in February, "we're obviously optimistic that it will perform extremely well when it returns."

But despite moving the show's setting to Europe to find gullible women, audiences have yawned. This season, the series has averaged 6.5 million viewers (ranked No. 85 for the season), with 5.4 million tuning in last week, according to Nielsen Media Research.

"We tried to sneak it by the American public a second time and we got called on it," Grushow said.

I Jump Off The Hook And Jacko Takes My Place

Went back to the doctor today.

Everything's fine.

I'll probably be on the medicine for another three months at least, but that's a piece of cake - the doctor just wants to make sure that whatever caused it is completely killed off. But there's no diabetes to worry about, and I don't know how I would've dealt with it if I had.

And while I was AT the doctor's office... Michael Jackson gave it up.

Here's my favorite line in the whole story: "...to face charges that could destroy the pop star's career and send him to prison for years." WHAT career? This has been the only thing keeping him in the news for the past eight years!

And should I be concerned that Celebrity Justice is the number two source for breaking information on this?

And leave it to FOX News (YOUR source for evil) to find some yahoo who completely misses the point. Dayside was on in the waiting room and somebody in the audience actually blamed the liberal media for "making excuses for this guy" for the last 10 years instead of getting to the bottom of this.

A college friend of mine used to say, "I weep for the future." Fuck that. I weep for the present.

Picking Up Scraps

- I go back to the doctor tomorrow. I don't think it's anything serious because I imagine I would have heard from him sooner if it was. We'll see.

- When was the last time I watched RAW? I don't even remember.

- Iverson's sitting out against the Raptors tonight. That game'll be in the 50s.

- It's 7:15 p.m. I've got a pasta pot full of water and can't decide what to add to it.

- Been fighting with Ebay for the past couple of days over my access. I haven't been able to sign in, and they're telling me that I can fix it by changing my preferences. I don't think they quite understand that I can't change my preferences because I CAN'T SIGN IN.

- Prove you're not a teenybopper-chasing perv. Or that you are. Whatever.

- And finally...



78. Yeah, that's about right.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 11

In Which A Prophecy Is Fulfilled, The Pulse Slows, And The First Goodbyes Are Said

ALL HAIL KING MARVIN. This is astounding. Chad, unlike his cousin, can actually back up his talk. Peter Warrick! Are you making this up? Rudi runs wild AGAIN while Priest doesn't break 100 total yards. They're gonna win that division because it's just so bad. Hey, you know who I don't want to be right now? The Raiders.

Why can't this happen every week? A nice, easy, comfortable win where everything goes right. Oh, here's why the Eagles cut Brian Mitchell: He can't run anymore. This goal-line stand was not on par with the seven-play one against Arizona some years back, but it was still impressive. Brian Westbrook, Giant killa. Fassel's all but gone now.

Texans-Bills. Moving on. Ravens-Dolphins. Moving on. Jaguars-Titans. Moving the FUCK on. Who booked this crap? (At least I didn't have to watch any of it.)

After further review, I think Davis got in. And while it wasn't the most emphatic "fuck you" to Spurrier he could have delivered, it sure was effective.

And now we know where Warrick's been for the past five years - hanging out in a cave with RICK MIRER. Only fifteen rushes against a team that can't stop the run? And now Moss is starting to whine again. This isn't good.

So the Packers went down to Tampa, gave up zero sacks, and ran the ball down their throats for the game-winning touchdown. CHAD CLIFTON HAS BEEN AVENGED. Please tell me I wasn't the only one hoping Gruden would start channelling Mora. Then this happened today. It's over.

Everybody who picked the Cowboys to win Sunday night should be ashamed of themselves. Did you not think that Belichick would come up with a scheme that would eventually confuse the hell out of poor Quincy? The commentators kept referencing the Tampa game a few weeks back, and that's essentially what this was. Heck, the score was almost the same. I think Leary was the only other guy in A! who picked the Pats.

Fantasy Report: Plummer with three TD passes to Sharpe. GAME. OVER. And I had Westbrook on the bench. I paid zero attention to the Monday night game because I didn't need the points. I'm thinking I might just switch to 2 WR/3 RB because Bruce isn't scoring any touchdowns. Four of the six 5-5 teams won, so I am now in fourth place with the red-hot Dr. Cube as my next opponent (He's won five in a row.) Chris beat Chaz, so there are no more unbeatens here, either. Poor Nate. Got 106 points and LOST.

TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis - 38 without Harrison and Pollard? Daaaaaaaaamn
2. Carolina - Hey, Rob, guess what? You were right
3. Kansas City - It was bound to happen sooner or later

BOTTOM 3:
30. Jacksonville - I'll ask again: What's the plan here?
31. San Diego - Why leave Flutie in down 34-0?
32. Atlanta - Mike, come home

Illinois-Chicago Diary (Week 8, Part 2)

Game 13 Report
Youngstown St. (4-8) at Illinois-Chicago (7-5)
Wednesday, January 1, 2003

There's something just... wrong about that date. Nevertheless, the Horizon League season started on New Year's Day with three games.

The start of this game was spent mostly trying to figure out the best substitution pattern for Cooper and Correa. As the only two guard-like players left, they both started, and since Correa is (was?) Cooper's backup, one of them would have to be on the floor at all times. Mills has also slowed down the tempo so the guys won't get fatigued as easily. It was decided that if either man struggled early, he would sit, and Jones would slide to the shooting guard spot. That man for this game was Cooper, but it was more a case of him not really getting to do anything with the ball. Up 9-8 early, we were surprised at how quickly the Penguins went to their bench - Sean Miller's a decent forward, but there's nowhere in the starting lineup to put him with Coursey, Richardson, and one of the Martin Sanchezes.

Youngstown's Pat King got off to an awful start, missing three straight shots before scoring on an alley-oop. Jones did yeoman's work for us, collecting five rebounds before going to the bench with 11:14 left in the first half. White, as usual, was in foul trouble. (It's 'cause he's STUPID, see.) Out of the timeout, Mike Dersch came in and promptly gave the Penguins a 13-12 lead with a three, then went back to the bench as if nothing had happened. Odd.

Here's an example of the dire straits we're in personnel-wise: with nine minutes to play in the first half of a tie game, Will Wagner checked in. You know, just got off academic suspension, the guy who, in Mills' angry words, "is barely good enough to play D-I ball"? Yeah, him. But God bless him, he scored on a putback dunk. Correa checked back in and hit a three at the 6:21 mark to cap off a 10-3 run and force the Penguins to call time, down 24-18. We continued to roll, and a jumper by Fields gave us a 37-24 lead at halftime.

Correa led us with 13 at the half. Nobody else on our team had more than five. King got hot for Youngstown, taking 10 into the locker room, but the Penguins' big two were struggling mightily - Richardson's 1-for-7 from the floor and Coursey had only taken one shot. We owned them on the boards so far, 20-8.

Correa and Jones started the second half in our backcourt - get used to seeing some odd combinations back there to start the second half. White just cannot stay in the damn game as he picked up two more fouls within the first four minutes of the half. He's making this harder than it already is. Although we weren't too worried, being up 45-29 and all. The Penguins then switched to a production of "Spot-Up Jumper Theater" to try to get closer. Point guard Otis Moran hit three threes as every shot they took was of the 15-foot and out variety. With 11:53 left, they'd just about halved our lead to 53-44.

Balanced scoring kept us in front. Jones, Cooper, and Greer all contributed as we held our ground for almost eight minutes, trading baskets and getting a break or two to hold a 65-55 lead with just over four minutes left in the game. White returned and was fouled, but missed both free throws. Williams was there to swoop in and get the rebound, and he was fouled, making one of two. 66-57, 3:11 left.

Our free throw shooting down the stretch left a lot to be desired save for Cooper. Fortunately, Youngstown couldn't get the ball all the way down the court when they had it. Richardson fouled out with 1:14 to go and only two points to his credit. The end came and went, and when it was over, we'd won our conference opener, 72-64.

Correa led us with 15 points. Williams had 12, and Cooper added 10. Jones just missed a double-double with nine points and nine rebounds. We got a shockingly productive 14 minutes out of Wagner in his first meaningful action of the season. The rebounding edge was 36-24 in our favor. For the Penguins, Moran scored all of his game-high 19 points in the second half and had eight assists. Sanchez pumped in 13, while King finished with 10. But the big story for them was Richardson getting only two points on 1-for-7 shooting, and Coursey playing only 13 minutes and being shut out. "That won't happen again," Mills said when told of those numbers post-game. "That's a good team whose two best players had a bad night. This is a very good win for us."

Game 14 Report:
Illinois-Chicago (8-5, 1-0) at Wright State (4-9, 1-0)
Saturday, January 4, 2003

Wright State. And you know what (or who) THAT means. Sure, Horizon League superfrosh Andy Hayes is the team's leading scorer, but he was held in check by Wisconsin-Milwaukee Thursday night, scoring only four points. But shooting guard Lloyd Petteway dropped 29 on the Panthers, and two bench players - Mike Jenkins and Bobby Augustus - gave the Raiders 19 apiece in a 99-59 win. Let's meet Lloyd:

SG #12 Lloyd Petteway (6'3", 189, senior, Gage Park H.S., Chicago)
10.3 ppg, 5.8 apg (leads team), .367 3-pt pct., 2.50 GPA

We came out in a 3-2 zone and promptly gave up two threes to start the contest. Dubious. And so much for slowing things down - there were only four shots missed in the first five minutes of play, and it was already 14-13. It took us almost that long to get a rebound. Correa came back with a three to give us our first lead, and he already had seven points after that. After some putzing around on both sides, Correa drained another three to force the Raiders to call time with 13:20 to play.

"Looks like we can run with these guys," Mills says in the huddle. With frequent substitutions the norm these days anyway, Coach has no problem shuffling guys in and out to keep them fresh, even if they've got a hot hand. Wright State came back with six unanswered points to take the lead before we got it back.

At 8:30 and up by one, something very bad happened. Cooper picked up his second foul. Correa replaced him as Mills and the assistants realized they hadn't considered this - what if both guards were to get into foul trouble? Another problem that's just as immediate was the fact that we were getting manhandled on the glass. The game was nip and tuck for the next stretch, with a Jenkins three giving Wright St. a 40-37 lead with three minutes to play in the half. Correa needed a breather badly, so Mills reluctantly put Cooper back in, two fouls and all. "You can NOT mess this up," Coach told the freshman.

So next trip down he got called for a charge.

Back to the bench. Four straight Raider points had Mills wanting a TO. Jones returned to the floor, but nobody wanted the ball at the end of the first half (seriously - the half ended with four missed shots, three out-of-bounds, and a travel) and the Raiders went into halftime with a 44-39 lead. Once again, Correa was our halftime leader with 13 points. Petteway, Colin Jefferson and Kendrick Hunter had eight apiece for Wright State, who doubled our rebounding total, 18-9, over the first half, which was why they were winning.

Jones came out firing in the second half, scoring five points to give him 10 and bring the Flames within four. Other than that, the beginning of the second half was the opposite of the first, that is, nobody could make a shot. So the Raiders went back to their advantage, their inside game, and built a six-point lead that way. Then, bad things. Augustus for two. Turnover. Hunter for two. Petteway for three. Marvel for three. Shot clock violation. With nine minutes left, Wright State had built a 63-50 lead.

Three more minutes went by, and a Cooper three-pointer made it 68-58. After three more minutes, it's 72-62 and Jones was back in. Time to open the launch doors. No points were scored in the next minute. Boy, could we use Clyde and/or Kiwane right now. We had a foul to give and gave it, but we couldn't make any meaningful baskets down the stretch and lost, 76-65.

That early rebounding deficit was just too much to overcome. I don't think we got any second-chance baskets until a three by Jones near the anticlimactic end. He ended up with a team-high 15 points for us. Correa had 13, and Williams 11. For Wright State, Petteway led the way with 17. Hunter had 14 and eight rebounds, while center Jefferson had 10 and seven. Hayes finished with 11. Point guard Paul Marvel had 10 points and nine assists. That's all five starters in double figures. Something we're seeing also is that with Jones being forced to play a lot of SG, the output from the SF position has fallen off. Wagner's actually taking minutes away from Fields, who's done nothing all week.

On The Other Hand...

Radical Rob T: It is quite a relief
Radical Rob T: to see that you are NOT John Stamos
IdeaMan405: It's good to check every once in a while.
Radical Rob T: now....if we can prove you're NOT Chris Tucker, we'll be doing great.
IdeaMan405: I'm not sure how to react to that.
Radical Rob T: well, I find that giving me money is a great reaction for any situation. However, in lieu of that, I'd suggest either killing Russo or placing a curse on Bill Parcells.
IdeaMan405: Hmmm.
IdeaMan405: (You're not getting my money, by the way.)
Radical Rob T: but it is an excellent reaction. Especially if you have large bills.
IdeaMan405: I don't.
Radical Rob T: credit cards? Bonds? the pictures of Vince and the goat you've got under your mattress?
IdeaMan405: Ew.
Radical Rob T: I don't want them for viewing. I'm gonna blackmail Vince.
IdeaMan405: I have no such photos
Radical Rob T: I'm thinking - new RAW world champion: Lance Storm. New SD! world champ - Rich Gannon. (He's got some time on his hands)

With One Hundred Percent Certainty

Find Out If You Are John Stamos!

*peeks into bedroom*

*makes note of lack of Rebecca*

Finally, an online quiz that's guaranteed to be right.

*thumbs up*

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10

In Which Our Commentator Uncovers A Conspiracy, The Opposite Of Insomnia Is Considered, And The Meek Say, "Fuck INHERITING. We TAKIN' This Shit."

How the hell did I manage to sleep through all the early games?

Berman pretty much nailed the Giants during their Prime Time highlights with this: "They're always nice, always well-dressed, just, the fly is down, sometimes." This happened last year and made just about as much sense (read: NONE) then. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Reeves said his grandkids asked him "What took you so long?" Fassel's damn near out of lives.

It's Rudi with an "I" for some reason. No matter. They win next week and Lewis:Cincinnati::Josh Beckett:South Florida. Hey, Corey! Don't let the door hit you in the ass on your way out, you ungrateful bastard!

G Of The Year: Fred Taylor, Jacksonville Jaguars. Told the man he was gonna run him over, DID IT, and then turned around and looked at him. I haven't seen anything like that since Iverson stepped on Tyronn Lue in the Finals.

Will somebody please tell the Dolphins it's only November?

Giving up 12 to the Panthers the first time was expected. But 27? In the rematch? WITHOUT Davis? Wow. Just... wow. We'll know by the end of the month if a Panthers collapse is in the offing. I'm thinking not.

Coles was right - Spurrier would've gotten killed if that fourth down play had failed. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. And you have to win on the road if you want to get anywhere in this league.

Lookit the little old guy run! Lookit Kevin Williams get clowned by that juke! Did this team really start 6-0?

Well, I've found a worse group of wide receivers than the Eagles': the Baltimore Ravens. It's Travis Taylor and a bunch of guys whose names weren't even mentioned. Marshall Faulk! Nice to see you. When was the last time a team got so much out of so little? Hell, the Texans only got 24 points in that game against Pittsburgh last year. As unbelievable as this will sound, Boller's injury just opened the floodgates in that division. Redman looked like shite, and Wright's a No. 3 for a reason.

It's raining, it's pouring, and nobody can hold on to the ball. When Green wasn't fumbling, he was running through what's left of the Eagles' defensive line. I'm still shocked the Packers didn't challenge the McNabb touchdown. I actually supported the Eagles going for it on fourth down there; as I said in the office, "I have seen no indication that they're gonna get this close again." Going back and catching that floater was the first good thing Thrash has done all year. Duuuuuuuuce. Someone emailed the local post-game show complaining that they named Green Player of the Game. They're trying to kill me and I don't know why. I've been a loyal fan for over 20 years. I don't understand why they're doing this.

THIS JUST IN: Anybody else think there's more to the Kevin Johnson situation?

Fantasy Report: Two TDs each from Blake, Ward, and Faulk and this thing was over by 9:30. I'm now second of six teams at 5-5 and facing Brian next week. Plummer says he'll be back for this week's game against the Chargers, but damned if I know what to do. A side benefit to all the Packers' ball protection problems is that Butch finally won a game. Beating Scott's juggernaut, no less. Trading deadline is Friday; playoffs start in three weeks.

TOP 3:
1. Kansas City - Believe it or not, now it gets difficult
2. Tennessee - Titans catch break after romp over Fish
3. Carolina - Buried the Bucs? Maybe

BOTTOM 3:
30. San Diego - OK, now what?
31. Chicago - Another fire might be in order
32. Oakland - My God.

Illinois-Chicago Diary (Week 8; Part 1 - Horizon League Preview)

We are physically incapable of catching a damn break.

Academics: Here’s the good news: Will Wagner got his GPA up to a respectable 2.39 and was reinstated. Here’s the bad news: Kiwane Jefferson’s now ineligible with a 1.75 GPA. We have one true guard left. ONE. This is unbelievable. Mills destroyed the phone in his office after hearing the news. It’s the most frustrated I’ve seen him since he arrived on campus. Granted, that was only six months ago, but still. “I lose my best outside shooter and the fourth-best free throw shooter in the country and get back a guy who’s barely good enough to play D-I ball. Fabulous. Just fucking fabulous.”

Injuries: Here’s the worst news: Clyde Miller needed a hernia operation and is now expected to miss two months. That projects to him coming back for the last week or so of the regular season and the conference tournament. He was our leading scorer, and his absence showed against Pittsburgh. If we get Noel Scott back from his torn Achilles, it’ll be about the same time, but we’re not counting on that.

Polls: Florida is STILL No. 1. The Gators are 15-0, including a 90-75 win over then No. 5 and now No. 8 Michigan State. Remember that Albany team we beat three weeks ago? Well, they went into Georgia and beat the Bulldogs last Monday, 89-82. D.A. Martin had 21 points in that game. Then the Bulldogs barely beat Maryland-Eastern Shore on Sunday, 77-75. They dropped to 14th.

Recruiting: No big news this week other than the final college eligibility scores coming out. No one we’re targeting was ruled ineligible. Aquil Cooper committed to Kansas State but we weren’t all that high on him anyway. Minnesota’s dropped out of the Winkfield derby, but Youngstown State’s jumped in. We’re still pursuing Morrison aggressively as well. Only two of the top 40 players haven’t made decisions yet.

RV’s Ronny Largent committed to George Washington after getting their offer last week. Go A-10. *thumbs up* It’s a good spot for him, as the Colonials need young frontcourt players. Sadly, interest in teammate Chris Simpson has dried up.

Awards:
Horizon League Player of the Week: PG #31 Paul Marvel, 6’2” senior, Wright State (29.5 ppg, 6 apg)
Horizon League Freshman of the Week: Guess. C’mon! All right, I’ll tell you: SF #24 Andy Hayes, 6’4” freshman, Wright State (19 ppg, 5 apg; fourth week in a row, fifth time overall, and I could have sworn he was 6’5” last week)
National Player of the Week: SG Dusty Dix, 6’4” senior, University of San Diego (34 ppg, 6 rpg, 6 apg, 3 spg)
National Freshman of the Week: SG Alex Vitas, 6’2” freshman, Wisconsin (21.5 ppg, 10 apg, 5.5 spg)

Horizon League Outlook: Going into conference play, a few things stand out. Our assist-to-turnover ratio as a team is barely over 1, second-worst in the conference only to Wisconsin-Milwaukee. We’re the worst rebounding team in the conference, averaging 30.7 per game. We’re also dead last in shooting percentage allowed (50.5% from the floor; 44.5% from behind the arc), shot blocks, and steals. On the other hand, despite all of that, we’re somehow No. 2 in scoring defense, allowing 73.8 points per game. We’re also the conference’s best shooting team from the field (49.7%) and the free throw line (75%).

Right now Detroit (8-4) looks like the best team in the conference. All five starters average double-figures in scoring, and they play good defense and aren’t missing any key players, unlike Cleveland State (8-4). Another team to watch is Youngstown State — despite their 4-8 record, the Penguins beat Duke in Durham and only lost by 10 to Michigan State on a neutral court. C Ramon Richardson had 39 in the season opener, and swingman Bobby Coursey can go off at any time — he almost single-handedly beat the Blue Devils. It’s really hard to say how we’ll do in the conference with all the injuries and not having people. I think at full strength, we’d probably be good for a second or third-place finish. Now? Who knows. We could end up anywhere from second to eighth. (I’m pretty sure we’re better than Wisconsin-Milwaukee.)

Have some stats! First, for the Flames:

Scoring: Clyde Miller (12.3), Danny Jones (11.2), Kiwane Jefferson (9.2)

Rebounding: Glendon White (7.3), Damon Williams (5.6), Miller (4.5)

Assists: Rashun Cooper (5), Miller (3.4), Noel Scott (2.3)

3-pointers: Jefferson (.474), Miller (.450), Jones (.406)

Now some national stats:

Scoring: Josh Johnson, Alabama (23.8); Aurumias Vitas, Tenn. Tech (22.3); Brandon Henderson, Long Beach St. (22.2); Riley Perdue, Cal St.-Northridge (22); Julian Welch, South Alabama (21.5)

Rebounding: Errick Sherill, Utah (14.8); James Bibby, USC (14.2); Jamal Glover, Nebraska (14), Gabriel Ichaki, Butler (13.9); Ray Claxton, Michigan State, and Ed Asbury, North Carolina (13.8)

Assists: Calvin Fox, Holy Cross (10.7); Perry Hancock, Tulane (10.5); DeMarcus Simmons, Alabama (10.4); Rodney Schwab, Bradley, and Xavier McKie, UC Santa Barbara (10.2)

FG%: Andreas Durkin, Tennessee (80.4%); Kenyatta Nunn, Illinois (79.4%); Doug Green, Mount St. Mary’s (77.5%); Doylan Edwards, San Diego State (75.9%); John Diamond, Western Michigan (75.8%)

Blocks: Brian Cox, Appalachian St. (4.9); Asbury, North Carolina (4.4); Sherrill, Utah (4.3); David Moore, Temple (4.2); Derek Tyler, Michigan (4.1)

Steals: Jason Murray, Oklahoma (3.7); Keith Wilson, Virginia (3.6); Donald Griffith, Fordham (3.4); five tied with 3.3

3-point shooting: Derek Stokes, Rutgers (.880); Mike Floyd, Oklahoma (.765) John Jefferson, Texas-Arlington (.750); Johnson, Alabama (.735); Marques Shipp, Villanova (.731)

The Value of Team Play: Top-ranked Florida has only one player in the top 30 in the nation in any major statistical category: Jermaine Wyatt is shooting 93.9% from the foul line, good for eighth nationally.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9

In Which Trust Is Betrayed, Monkeys Are Thrown Off Backs, And Gifts Are Exchanged Early

Rob, I'm writing them off. It is OVER.

Well, THIS was interesting. It's at least the second time that I've seen that the Giants have gone with Levens over Tiki in the fourth quarter. Think his fumbling's on their minds much? What's happening to this team? Pennington was on point - the TD to Becht at the end was a great play at both ends. My station switched to the Eagles game after regulation, but it sounds like the Doug Brien situation was similar to the Tampa game in McNabb's rookie year, where the clock was running and Norm Johnson was late getting on the field.

Peter King's column sums up the Bucs' situation better than I could. The bigger question: are the Saints playing this season backwards?

If "hops" are vertical, then what's the horizontal equivalent? I ask, of course, because of the Ray Lewis interception.

Colts/Dolphins was odd - poor tackling from the Fish? Harrison fumbles? Ricky gets nothing? Indy actually WINS in Miami? Damn.

"What if the Bears had started the season with Chandler?" He'd be HURT right now, that's what. At least Thomas has found himself.

I don't remember if that's why the Eagles got rid of Rossum, but that didn't help any case he might have made. OMG A FREDDIE MITCHELL SIGHTING. Then Duckett and Dunn started running through what's left of the defensive line. Once again the tight ends became key. A good football player? From RUTGERS? Hell's frozen over. That was the first block of Akers' career, believe it or not. Believe this, too: the Eagles are 21-7 in their last 28 road games. The same thing happened on the Sheppard INT that happened on the Lewis INT LAST week. Falcons schmalcons. I'm sure Donovan will take it. You know, they'd be in the playoffs If The Season Were To End Right Now.

Inexplicability (it's a word NOW, damn it) Of The Week: Rams/49ers.

I don't know... on the one hand, I'm enjoying watching Spurrier and Snyder crash and burn, but on the other hand... it's the fucking Cowboys.

I'll tell you what happened: Moss got taken out of the game. The announcers said several times that the Vikings' LBs aren't fast enough to keep up with Green (and, like Chris said, couldn't tackle him when they did) Favre went nuts, as if he was legit pissed off about being only 2-9 in the Homerdome. I think the Packers just wanted this one more than the Vikings did.

Great, now ELAM'S hurt? When Anderson caught the TD from Kanell, my night was ruined. See below as to why. I didn't like Shanahan's decision to punt on 4th and 3 near the end, both for football and selfish reasons. It didn't sound like Madden was thrilled with it, either (and in retrospect, it basically cost them the game). "I am a believer!" Brilliant. Also brilliant was Belichick deciding to take the safety and free kick from the 20 instead of risking a block and putting the game out of reach. Brady saves the Pats AGAIN. How is this happening?

Fantasy Report: Got another surprisingly productive day from Blake, and Hines Ward returned, but Faulk sitting and Javon Walker's surprising game ended up killing me - I needed 23 points from Portis and Sharpe and, by my quick calculations, only got about 19. So now I'm 4-5 and get Kelvin, who's seemingly been thisclose to beating about four teams. The Butch-Max game may set some kind of Yahoo! record for fewest combined points. I wonder if we can find that out.

TOP 3:
1. Kansas City - Hey, it's not like they LOST
2. Indianapolis - Best start in over 20 years
3. New England - Belichick winning with bandages and IVs

BOTTOM 3:
30. Oakland - Falling apart at the seams
31. Atlanta - What's left to change?
32. San Diego - QB flap the last thing this team needs

Don't forget to vote!

Was It Something I Said?

We haven't gotten a lot of trick-or-treaters around my apartment complex. I only got one last year, and one again this year.

It was real early, around 4. I answer the knock at the door, and there's a little girl, couldn't have been older than three, in a giraffe costume. Her mom's with her, coaching her on what to say, but she looks either confused or scared and is just standing there. She tries to walk in a couple of times, but Mom pulls her back. She has yet to say anything, and I've been caught off guard, not expecting anyone to show up.

I say, "Hang on a second" and go open a bag of Hershey's Kisses I happen to have lying around. I grab a handful and go back to the door. Nothing. She's just standing there. She's got candy in her little bucket, so it's not like she's had stage fright all day, either. The standoff continues for about 30 more seconds until she cries out. Mom tries to figure out what's wrong, and the girl suddenly starts walking away. Mom tries to bring her back, but to no avail.

Wow. Now I feel sad and horrible. :( I'm sorry I brought it up.

Go-Go Training Camp

High School Girls Pummel Man Who Exposed Himself
Fri Oct 31,10:31 AM ET

PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) - A man described by authorities as a known sexual predator was chased through the streets of South Philadelphia by an angry crowd of Catholic high school girls, who kicked and punched him after he was tackled by neighbors, police said on Friday.

Rudy Susanto, 25, who had exposed himself to teen-age girls on as many as seven occasions outside St. Maria Goretti School, struck again on Thursday just as students were being dismissed, police said.

But this time, a group of girls in school uniforms angrily confronted Susanto with help from some neighbors, police said. When Susanto tried to run, more than 20 girls chased him down the block. Two men from the neighborhood caught him and the girls took their revenge.

"The girls came and started kicking him and punching him, so I wasn't going to stop them," neighbor Robert Lemons told The Philadelphia Inquirer.

Susanto was later treated for injuries at a local hospital. Police said he would be charged with 14 criminal counts including harassment, disorderly conduct, open lewdness and corrupting the morals of a minor.

Illinois-Chicago Diary (Week 7)

Polls: No changes.

Recruiting: We got our first commitment!

Liam Paisley (SG, 6’5”, 160, Zurich, Switzerland; Proviso East HS, Maywood, IL)

He chose us over Loyola-Chicago (Coach Stanley will be disappointed — he was very high on him), and Marquette missed out on him because they were slow to make an offer. About the name: his parents are transplanted Scotsmen and work for an export company that has a lot of dealings with the chocolate makers, hence the Zurich hometown. He talked his parents into letting him come to the U.S. as an exchange student, and he picked up the game here. Interesting kid. He wears No. 22 for his high school team, and likely also will with us.

Eric Braddick signed with Creighton, while Matt Conrad — oh, this one hurts — committed to conference foe Youngstown State. Ouch. Norman Joyce was at the Alabama State game and promptly signed with Western Illinois. Nebraska and DePaul have entered the Winkfield chase now, and with only three weeks left in the recruiting period, we’ve only got one player signed and our chances of landing the big man we need appear nonexistent.

We aggressively went after Winkfield, made Antonio Morrison an offer, placed a call to Aquil Cooper (no relation to Rashun), and opened talks with another JUCO guy:
PF Jared Street (6’8”, 188, Chicago; Sheridan, Wyo., JC)

A check-in with my RV guys shows that Largent’s gotten an offer from George Washington.

Awards
Horizon League Player of the Week: SG #51 — DeLawn Mydra, 6’5” junior, Butler (22 ppg, 6 apg, 4 rpg)
Horizon League Freshman of the Week: SF #24 — Andy Hayes, 6’5” freshman, Wright State (16.5 ppg; third week in a row; fourth time overall; I’m looking forward to seeing him in person and yet at the same time I’m not.)
National Player of the Week: SG Kendall Fife, 6’2” senior, Eastern Washington (28.5 ppg, 5 apg, 8.5 rpg)
National Freshman of the Week: PG Lavar Camara, 6’4” freshman, Oklahoma State (20.5 ppg, 10 apg)

Game 11 Report
Florida State (3-6) at Illinois-Chicago (6-4)
Thursday, December 26, 2002

We wanted to slow things down at the start, and the Seminoles were only too happy to play along. Some questionable shot selection by Jones early on had us puzzled, but with a 6-3 lead after four and a half minutes, we weren’t quite ready to complain. Especially since Florida State couldn’t make anything or, really, do anything right — backup point Morgan Marshall fouled Williams going for a rebound and got posterized on top of it. We grabbed a 13-5 lead about eight and a half minutes in before the ’Noles, who’d only made one shot from the floor to that point, called time.

Out of the timeout, Stephan Brown made a couple of threes for them, but we kept our cool and kept the lead. Williams, in particular, played big for us during this stretch as we actually got second shots. In fact, we owned the glass in the first half, which is rare for us. With four minutes to play in the half, we had a 28-19 lead and a 19-9 rebounding advantage. FSU made a little rally to get within three, but we were getting to the line and were able to push the lead back to eight, and it was nine (36-27) at halftime.

Brown had 11 at the half to lead all scorers. Jones and Miller had eight apiece for us, while Williams had seven points, three rebounds (all offensive) and three blocks. We don’t block shots, either, as our two primary centers are 6’6” and 6’7”. Quite a surprise there.

The second half started with Florida State actually making shots. Brown led them, hitting back-to-back three-pointers followed by a Marques Phillips layup. Our lead was cut to 41-37 before we got a steal and called time to get our act together. Fortunately, Correa came off the bench and led the charge like a good senior should, getting a key steal and hitting a three that helped us stretch the lead back to 47-40. He followed that up with another three-pointer and a beautiful alley-oop pass to Greer. With 9:22 left, we led 57-47, and after a couple minutes of basket trading, Correa returned to the bench with 14 points and a nice ovation for a good night’s work. The 63-56 lead didn’t hurt, either.

FSU’s Brown tried, but he couldn’t bring his team back by himself. Marshall was having a decent outing with starter Phillips in foul trouble, but Williams and Cooper got some easy baskets, and White was crashing the boards like a beast. We were up 11 with four minutes to go, and it looked like our losing streak was soon to end.

And it did, but Miller went down with an injury after being blocked (though the official called it a charge) with 59 seconds left in the game. The final was 78-66, but it was hard to enjoy the needed victory with the possibility of losing another member of our already thin backcourt. Correa led us with 15 points, and Jones added 14. Miller had 10 before he went out, and White scored eight points and pulled down 14 rebounds. FSU’s Brown was the high man with 23 points.

The next day we got the news on Miller, and it’s not great. He’s got a groin injury, possibly a partial tear, and our trainer isn’t sure how long he’ll be out. He’ll definitely miss our game at Pitt on Saturday and the following week of action at least. Time to scramble. Jefferson would obviously move into the starting lineup, but that means even more minutes for Correa in the backcourt.

Game 12 Report
Illinois-Chicago (7-4) at Pittsburgh (3-6)
Saturday, December 28, 2003

Despite the records, we were a little wary going into this one. The thinking was this: a road game against a Big East team playing a tough schedule (Pitt has the 25th toughest schedule in the country, with losses to UCLA and a surprising 10-2 Baylor team) could lead to problems. Kiwane Jefferson knew he’d have to change his approach offensively now that he was starting. Still, I don’t think even he expected his first points to come on a putback. Early on, just about everybody got involved for the Flames as we built a 13-8 lead before both teams went to their benches. Once this started, we made substitutions about every two minutes, since we’re down to two healthy true guards right now. The Panthers rallied to tie the score at 16, but Jefferson came back in soon thereafter and hit a three to break the tie about halfway through the first half.

It stayed close for a few more minutes until the Panthers took their first lead at 24-23 with about 7:30 left in the half. More subbing led to Correa coming into the game, and he hit a jumper with 5:16 left to put us back up, 25-24. The back-and-forth continued until Correa tied the game at 28 with a three-pointer, giving him 10 at that point. Pitt mounted a small run at the end of the half, however, and took a 35-30 lead into the locker room.

Pitt center Darrin Reese had been giving us problems down low in the first half — while only 6’7”, we didn’t have anyone who could stop him down there. We were reluctant to switch White onto him, as he was (as usual) in foul trouble. So Reese kept going down into the post and hurting us, scoring the first four points of the second half as Pitt ran its lead to 42-34. They would expand it to 50-40 at the 12-minute mark. Five more Panther points (highlighted by a rare 3 from Timmy Hester — Pitt doesn’t shoot threes often or well) and Mills had seen enough. Time out!

Did it help? Well, two minutes later we had a four-on-one and the shot got blocked, so I’d have to say no based on that alone. The lead swelled to 65-48 with 5:34 left when White returned to the floor with four fouls. We made a little run before a flagrant foul on Correa took what little wind there was left out of our sails. Final was 81-60.

Pitt point guard Mekeli Scott led all scorers with 19 points. Reese had 18, while Hester and Anthony Anderson had 14 apiece. Correa and Jefferson each had 15 for the Flames. Cooper had nine assists, which was surprising since he’s running out of guys to pass to. With conference play starting next week, we’re 7-5 and hurting.

Literally.

Conference Roundup: It was a big Saturday for the Horizon League. Not in results, however. Loyola-Chicago went to Texas and lost, 98-77. Wisconsin-Milwaukee visited No. 10 Syracuse and suffered a 75-60 defeat. Fifth-ranked Michigan State went to Youngstown State (actually, for our purposes and because this would never actually happen in real life, the game was played at a neutral site — Gund Arena in Cleveland) and won 78-68.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8

The Drew Bledsoe Memorial Edition

That crash you heard was Corey Dillon's remaining leverage. Is anybody else getting tired of this? First glimmer of hope that team's had since Boomer's halcyon days and he's still complaining. It wouldn't shock me if Lewis did get rid of him after the season, as his mentality is the same as mine would be - you don't want to be here; we'll get you out. Then they went and beat the Seahawks without him anyway. Chad is Key's cousin? I did not know that.

I didn't hear anything about a hostage situation or a kidnapping at Tampa Airport. Did you guys?

Air travel seems to agree with the Giants - that was the first game they've flown to all season. "It's Michael Strahan!" The Vikings' defense reverting to last season's form didn't help either.

Browns-Pats. Moving on!

Memo to Brian Billick: "'n the blue hell are you so angry about? What are you walking around here so angry for? Walking around here mad. With your face all squinched up. (squinches up face) What's all that about? What are you so angry about, you beat the Denver Broncos. You're LEADING the AFC North. You should be HAPPY. Go eat some crab cakes. Go drink a protein shake, go make yourself one of Boog Powell's barbecue SSSSSAMMICHES. Go do somethin' - but don't be angry."

You know, this wouldn't be happening if Bill Cowher was still alive.

What an unexpectedly fast start this was. CHICANERY RULES~! even when it's against you 'cause you gotta love anybody with the sack to call something like that. I don't wanna say Pennington's play-fakes are as good as Boomer's, but they're up there (though the Lewis INT was just a badly underthrown ball). This was good - if you gotta throw, throw to the tight ends. On the game-winning TD I'm sitting there staring a hole through the TV trying to psychically will Donovan to THROW THE DAMN BALL.

Bill Walsh is throwing up in his mouth. Are you SURE Al Del Greco doesn't want to come back?

Dante Hall, big-play wide receiver? Scary. If you saw this game, you know where the title came from; Bledsoe got hit and hit and hit and got his ass kicked, pretty much. The same thing's going on here hta's made the Vikings' D better: a pass rush. And Priest just scored another touchdown.

That's the most noise that stadium's heard in years. This is Brian Griese, right?

Fantasy Report: I beat Rob's ass. He had Bledsoe; I actually got a TD from Blake and picked up Antwan Randle-El during the week. It actually would have been worse had I started the Chiefs' defense instead of the Titans'. Five-way tie at 4-4 for fifth place, and I should be getting Faulk back for my next game against Chris.

TOP 3:
1. Kansas City - Still waiting for WRs to show up
2. Carolina - Would play overtime every week if they could
3. Indianapolis - Horses return to the track this week

BOTTOM 3:
30. San Diego - At least LDT isn't an embarrassment
31. Atlanta - Vick out until December? Good Lord
32. Detroit - Long, long way to go

Fox Will Sue Itself

Wow. Just... wow.

Clearing The Decks

Went to the doctor yesterday afternoon to get this skin irritation looked at that's been bothering me for a while. (I called to make the appointment a month ago, and this was the earliest doc who was available.) Now I've gotta get blood work done this morning - he asked me a couple times if I was diabetic, and Mom told me later that diabetes is usually detected via an infection of some kind, usually yeast in women. She's been an RN for 25 years. She knows this.

The big deal here is that I have to fast beforehand, but I didn't know for how long and (because I'm an IDIOT, see) didn't think to ask. By the time I get up and get it done this morning, I won't have eaten anything for... about 18 hours by then. I had some hot dogs before the appointment, and that's it. I found out from Mom later that I could have eaten something else, but I didn't want to risk it. Stupid me.

So what was dumber: not eating, or going grocery shopping right after leaving the doctor's office?

If Joe doesn't come back on AIM soon I'm going to bed.

Never mind... Rob's gonna bug me for a while.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7

In Which A Missed Opportunity Is Not Lamented, Special Teams Are Validated, And Lives Are Barely Spared

First off, a note to Butch: Yes, I know I forgot to make picks in Action! this week. It's just as well - I'd have gotten my ass kicked. For one, I wouldn't have picked Jon Kitna over the Ravens' defense if you put a gun to my head.

True story: 1:45 or so left in Eagles-Giants, and I've written it off. I hop in the car and go to the bank, putting the game on the radio for official purposes. Right before the punt, Merrill Reese says something to the effect of: "I have seen too many strange things happen in this stadium." Then Westbrook got the ball. When Merrill yelled "BRIAN WESTBROOK!" at the Giants' 30, I damn near drove off the road. The worst part about it for Giants fans was the Eagles were going for the block. Mind you, not a damn thing was solved, but 3-3 at this point is infintely better than 2-4. The Birds would be better served pulling back and becoming the rich man's Panthers at this point.

This wasn't supposed to happen. Parcells wasn't supposed to fix things this quickly. This is bad. This is very bad. Mariucci had the Line Of The Year in reference to Harrington's game QB rating of 7.12(?): "That's a hell of an earthquake."

Moss was all "I saw SOMEBODY" afterwards. Great stuff. Who are these new Vikings DBs and why are they good? The pinky finger's not meant to bend in that manner. Here's how far off the radar Danny Kanell was: He was playing independent baseball in Newark two years ago. I shit you not.

Well, that Cubs fan can cross south Florida off of his list of places to hide out. What happened with that coin toss? Doesn't the ref tell them which side is heads and which is tails?

So. What the hell do the Falcons do now?

Do McNair's stats even matter anymore?

You know how I've said in the past that linemen running with the football never gets old? Add "and old white quarterbacks" to that. Vinny scampering on the last Jets drive and Chandler's two-point scramble (I'm surprised his foot didn't fall off) - just great comedy.

OK, HOW long have I been saying that you can run on Tampa?

Fantasy Report: Poor Weeba. He started Tim Couch. I don't think anything more needs to be said. I picked up Jeff Blake late last week to compensate for Plummer's injury, and with Gannon's status up in the air after tonight... yeah. At least he'll throw a lot since they'll be behind early. I'm 3-4 now. Hey, Rob? YOU'RE NEXT.

At least the Raiders were smart enough to not kick to Hall.

TOP 3:
1. Kansas City - Scarily, Vermeil's right - they can play better
2. Minnesota - Only the second biggest surprise of the season
3. (tie) Indianapolis - A week off to refuel the machine
(tie) Dallas - *cries*

BOTTOM 3:
30. Arizona - Time to bring back those "Weakest Link" jokes
31. Atlanta - Also, defense is in shambles
32. Chicago - It's over. It's all over.

Men After My Own Heart. Well, Almost

- Took a chance and bought the No Mercy webcast. Not a good night for it, as my connection was particularly bad. Still, got to see plenty of Match Of The Night Cena/Angle.

- Many thanks to Ska for this story.

- I'm lucky to not be in the hospital right now. I'll tell you why in the Week 7 roundup. (Ooooh. SUSPENSE~!)

Illinois-Chicago Diary (Week 6)

Polls: Florida's still No. 1. Georgia actually dropped a spot in the .400 Sports poll, from No. 7 to No. 8. We must have covered the spread or something. Duke's loss to the Penguins sent them tumbling from No. 12 to No. 22.

Recruiting: Aaron Swift (the JUCO) chose Ball State over us. Minnesota's jumped into the race for Winkfield's services, while Paisley has offers from both us and Loyola-Chicago. Conrad appears to be bound for Eastern Michigan.

Remember this guy?:
SF Norman Joyce (6'4", 189, Highland Park, IL)
He's coming to campus this week, as is:
SG Alex Ahern (6'2", 171, Centerville, IN via Conkary, Guinea)

None of our underclassmen are skipping town to go pro. Not that we're at all surprised. Seven juniors declared, including Max Cambridge, the Texas A&M point guard who was Player of the Week a couple weeks back.

Awards: Coursey was NOT Horizon League Player of the Week. That honor went to:
PG #5 Adonis Harris, 6'1" senior, Detroit (24 ppg, 6 apg, 10-11 3P)
Horizon League Freshman of the Week: SF #24 Andy Hayes, 6'5" freshman, Wright State (18.5 ppg, 5 rpg; second week in a row; third time this season)
National Player of the Week: SG Bill Tice, 6'3" senior, Toledo (32 ppg, 7 apg, 6.5 rpg, 13-14 3P)
National Freshman of the Week: PG LaRon Lancaster, 6' freshman, Rice (25.5 ppg, 7 apg)

Game 9 Report
Illinois-Chicago (6-2) at Western Michigan (2-6)
Thursday, December 19, 2002

We had plenty of time to get over the Georgia shellacking. Not that it was unexpected or anything, but you can't predict how kids will react to a loss like that. Anyway, we got off to a nice, nondescript start in this one. 10-9 after six minutes; things were pretty balanced all around. The guys knew their jobs; White was grabbing boards, Cooper was running the floor, Miller was shooting. It was good to see. We're using a one-guard front set, and Mills thought we could outrun the Broncos, so he picked up the pace a little.

Nobody got into foul trouble, either! Things started getting physical when the reserves came in, and the Broncos took a 20-19 lead at the 11-minute mark. Correa's in, and he was really struggling with his ball handling (not that he's great, but more so than usual and poorly timed) and we were forced to bring Cooper back in a little sooner than we would've liked. From here, the game turned into a three-point shooting contest, and the Broncos were able to actually make theirs (Jefferson was off again for us) and took a 28-21 lead with six minutes left in the half. We got our act together and closed to within one at one point, but a dumb foul on a three-pointer helped the Broncos make it a six-point game (39-33) at halftime.

Team stats were pretty even at this point except for turnovers. Our guys have got to take better care of the ball. One thing we had to do on the fly was adjust to their sudden craving for the three-point shot, as they don't shoot them very well as a team.

We didn't start the second half very well, offensively or defensively. We weren't playing our game on offense - seemingly everybody was taking completely wrong shots for them - and we weren't getting defensive boards even though the rebounding stats were about even. But a small flurry got us back to within four after being down nine early in the half. We were soon down nine again. Another problem we were having is that the Broncos were using 6-8 sophomore Mikko Brown in the backcourt and running everything through him, using him to set screens, picks, and so on, and we've got no one who can play in the backcourt big enough to contain him. With eight minutes passed in the second half, it's 53-47 WMU.

Frustration set in. Two uncharacteristically hard fouls and then a shot clock violation on our end. We got down 13 with seven and a half minutes left and went back to our opening strategy. They started extending their rebounding advantage, but we managed to cut the lead to seven for a while before Geoff Reed hit a three-pointer with just under five minutes to go. Jones got us five points, but he was tiring, and we were wary of taking him out because nobody else had stepped up to try to help him offensively. Clyde, I'm looking at you. With 2:07 left and a foul to give, we went into panic mode, and the game, from there, turned into a free-throw shooting contest. Which we lost. The game, that is. 74-66.

Thanks mostly to a strong second half, Jones led all scorers with 20 points. Reed's 17 led five Broncos in double figures, including reserve Tony Simpson, who added 14 in their first home victory of the season. But we turned the ball over 21 times. That's not acceptable. We went straight home afterwards... we had another game to play, and guests to entertain.

Game 10 Report:
Alabama State (4-4) at Illinois-Chicago (6-3)
Friday, December 20, 2002

A two-game losing streak? Not a good feeling. Although, both games were on the road, but we had won our first three on the road. So who knows?

During the coaches' meeting, we immediately saw that Alabama State's bigger guards could pose a problem, and that their offense came from the frontcourt. So how to best cut them off? 2-1-2, maybe?

Not at first, no. Cooper got off to a horrible start, getting called for traveling, losing the ball out of bounds, getting called for a double dribble, and missing badly on a fadeaway. We could barely rent a basket in the first four minutes and were very quickly down 13-2. WHAT. Alabama State's Colin Pangrazio got knocked silly by Miller, and he had to leave the game. During the TV timeout, Mills ditched the zone and manned up, read the boys the riot act, and they responded. Things began flowing, and we crawled back to make it 20-16 with nine minutes to go in the first half.

It wouldn't last, though. Alabama St. went on a 9-0 run. Pangrazio's replacement, Kevin Adams, had 10 off the bench already. Another time out, and Jones, Miller and Williams came back in to try to stop the bleeding. We still couldn't make anything. Cooper got called on two B.S. fouls back-to-back, giving him three (Miller had already picked up his second) and coach Mills damn near got T'd up. It was 35-20 Alabama State with 4:15 left in the half, and it didn't look like things were going to get better anytime soon. They didn't - 43-26 at halftime.

We were shooting 31 percent to their 52. Cooper, Miller, and White all had three fouls apiece, and Correa had two.

The second half didn't start as badly as the first did, though we didn't make up a lot of ground before Cooper and White both picked up their fourth fouls. Their lead kept hovering around the 11-12 point mark for most of the first part of the half. Cooper and White returned with six minutes left and the Flames down 68-54. Three minutes later, it was 73-54 and we're set to concede if two of our guys foul out here. And while that didn't happen, neither did much of anything else. 81-57 final, and we've lost three in a row.

Alabama St. PG Mihari Jefferson had 17 points and nine assists. PF Jon Foreman had 16 points and 14 rebounds, while Adams added 15 filling in for the injured Pangrazio (skull fracture, season over). I think that, while unintentional on Clyde's part, pissed them off. Kiwane Jefferson (no relation) led us with 10. We shot 33 percent. You're not beating anyone shooting 33 percent. The question now is, who are the real Flames? The group that started 6-0, or this crew? We've got the Christmas holiday to figure that out.

Conference Roundup: Thirteenth-ranked UConn held Wisconsin-Milwaukee to 18 first-half points in a 68-42 win. On Saturday, Michigan crushed Wright State, 99-46.