By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14

In Which Guns Are Drawn, The Electricity Returns, And The Falls Continue

I still don't know why the Cowboys stopped running the football. The snap whizzing past Quincy's head... awesome comedy. "I don't know what happened."

Did anyone notice that Marvin never touched the ball with his other hand? Now we find out that McNair on the field means opponents don't score, too. You know, something like that happened in a high school game I covered once, only it was at the beginning. "All right. We'll spot the other team 16 points, then we'll take the ball." I think at some point, you have to put another return guy out there. You know, the only big game Peyton hasn't won yet is in the playoffs.

It looked like Moss just had a way of finding the worst Seahawk DB and getting himself matched up with him. Then running past him. This is becoming disastrous.

"Brett! Chicago Bears!" "Oh. Right! Shit, what am I doing? I own these motherfuckers." Then they scored 381 unanswered points or whatever it was. For some reason Fox took me here after Cowboys-Eagles ended and I was all "The hell is this?" and turned to the end of Colts-Titans that CBS picked up at 4 AND THEN CUT TO JETS-BILLS. W. T. F.

One of the Toss-Ups on PTI today was between Ray and Jamal and the idea that Jamal could break 2,100 yards rushing and not only would Ray be voted the team's MVP over him, but Jamal himself would vote for Ray, who has suddenly become an intercepting machine. When did this happen? Whoever loses that division, I don't think they make it.

PORTIS FOR WORLD CHAMP.

I know that snow was still falling in Foxboro, but I think you've gotta try to get in underneath that and CLEAR OUT SOME DAMN SEATS. On the Bruschi interception, it almost looked like the ball traveled farther than he returned it, if that makes any sense. What was that about the Lawyer Milloy situation dividing the team?

Did the 49ers just score again?

Never before and again will a crowd be that jacked about a 2-10 team. Did Kasay touch Feely on the shoulder before kickoff and pass the virus, like in that Denzel/John Goodman flick? People complained to ESPN because the announcers were all Vick this and Vick that - hello, that was the STORY of the GAME. And, gee, it's not like he won the game by himself or anything.

The Dawg Pound wedding means a Black Hole wedding can't be far behind. Though in that case, I imagine it'd be more of a ritual sacrifice.

Fantasy Report: Portis's five TD's sent Weeba sprawling to the curb. Though I do wish I could bank some of those points, since I face Scott in the semifinals. Top-seeded Chaz is out, losing to Chris by about two and a half points.

TOP 3:
1. New England - King of the snow-covered mountains
2. Philadelphia - Biggest run in years
3. Indianapolis - Taking opportunity by the teeth

BOTTOM 3:
30. Arizona - Just a dismal state of being
31. San Diego - Have they given up on Brees?
32. Oakland - *snapping of bones and tissue*