Big In 2006

Ownage of the Year: The 2006 elections

Blog Post of the Year (Home Team): One Man's Hunt For Barbecue Sauce

Blog Post of the Year (Offshore): The Tao Of Poker: The Wall Street Game

APB of the Year (And Possibly Next Year): Lindsay Lohan's sanity

Burning Question of the Year: "Whose country is this?"

Welcome Back: Leonardo DiCaprio (Does he have enough clout to just disappear for four years and come back in a Scorcese film?)

People I'm Glad I Wasn't: 1. Saddam Hussein; 2. Donald Rumsfeld; 3. Marco Materazzi; 4 (tie) 4+whatever number of Republicans were voted out of Congress

Most Pleasant Surprise: JBL as a color commentator

Still Funny A Year Later: "You can call us Aaron Burr / from the way we're droppin' Hamiltons"

Trend I Missed The Boat On: I was unaware that sexy had gone anywhere in the first place

Most Unwelcome Development: The rooster invasion

Trend I'm Most Sick Of: The same as last year

Underrated Hottie: Sasha Cohen (Tanith Belbin stole all her thunder)

I've seen just about enough of: Scarlett Johansson. (I'm waiting for one more thing. Actually, two.)

I've seen entirely too much of: Kevin Federline

Personal Nemesis of the Year: Tires

Under-the-Radar R.I.P.: Busta Rhymes' career

WTF Moment: Butch getting fired

Find of the Year: adtunes.com

Dubious Product Mash-Up of the Year: The OhMiBod

Most Questionable Career Decision: Mischa Barton

Best 30 Seconds of the Year: The Knicks drafting Renaldo Balkman and the immediate aftermath

Ambitions For 2007: Whatever I put for "Ambitions For 2006." Also, eat more fish.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Dark Clouds

Does the "NFL" in NFL Network stand for "No F'n Letup in the weather?" Sheesh. Rayner almost pulled a Charlie Brown on himself. I think we've found our insomnia cure in the Vikings' offense. Let's break this down all the way, though. SPEED can't catch. Marcus Robinson's managed to have his career stolen twice, first by Marty Booker and then by Nate Burleson. You've also got Billy McMullen, who the Eagles didn't want, and Travis Taylor, who the Ravens didn't want. I'm gonna need you to not be shocked. (I wrote this part before Robinson got cut, thank you very much.)

Signal Finder: NE @ JAX, NO @ NYG, CIN @ DEN, SD @ SEA (end)

How is it that I'm in Sears, in the electronics department, on Sunday, and none of the TVs have the game on? Answer me that. So Pats-Jags was the early radio game, and what, exactly, happened to that official? He got pegged in the throat with a pass? Was that it? I'm also wondering why Del Rio didn't even bother throwing the ball at the end of the half. All right, be honest. This Patriots team: anyone scared?

The irony here is that Ron Dayne was supposed to do this every single week for the past six years or whatever.

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Bucs-Browns.

That right there is the biggest problem the Saints are gonna have: getting beaten deep. And now they're running wild. What's going on today? There's been a lot of that. That may or may not be the first time Whitfield's headbutted a guy. At least he was wearing a helmet. This year's Giants are last year's Saints: stupid, undisciplined, with a coach that's in over his head who the players may or may not respect (and in this case, I say 'not'.) Seriously, if Coughlin's not in trouble, he should be.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Bears-Lions. Wait, that's... that's... THAT'S BRIAN GRIESE'S MUSIC! (CCR's "Fortunate Son", obv) Was anyone else waiting for Lovie to say, "Yeah, hello? We were losing to the Lions?"

Dexter Jackson's put on some weight. "Hi. I'm Ocho Cinco." Meanwhile, Lynch is killing fools and the Bengals are handing this one to the Broncos. Throwing at Champ <> a wise move. Why's this Marshall kid getting all this run? Oh, yeah, that's just what that city needs; more weather events. The Broncos that started the season would have put the hammer down by now. Well, we're going to overD'OH!!! OK, that... that was a flashback to the old Bengals. "After the game, Domonique Foxworth hyperventilated at his locker but said he was fine." Yeah, that actually happened.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Brad St. Louis; 2. Any Indianapolis Colts defensive player; 3. Michael Boulware; 4. Marcus Robinson; 5. Joey Harrington (this was Rex until Monday night)

So T.O. shows up at the Eagles' hotel the night before and plays dominoes with some of the other wideouts. How does a game of dominoes among millionaires get started? The line on this game possibly deciding the division title now looks like an EKG. Carrie Underwood? The Eagles' defense has been rightly maligned lately, but one thing that has happened, especially over the past few weeks, is they've been difficult to score on in the red zone - the Redskins and Giants kicked a lot of field goals. WHAT. A pitch on fourth and goal from the 2? Did the defenses switch sides or something because the Cowboys haven't done anything on the ground. Seriously, they look like they've OD'd on tryptophan. Thanks for leaving at halftime, Terrell! "More wine and turkey?" The dump to Smith behind the Cowboys' blitz that went for 65 may be the best play the Eagles have run all year. Wow. This was a straight-up punking. There's no way the Eagles were supposed to win all three of these games on the road. None whatsoever. Madden: "I hate these uniforms." I FEEEEEEEEEEEEL GOOD

Really, now, what is with the weather in this country? This is like watching water boil. Oooohhhhh. OUCH! Washington and Coles get flattened on back to back plays. Can we re-edit "Jacked Up?" All I ask, Nugent, is that you don't try to throw it. Cleo Lemon? God, that's gotta hurt. Is this game still scoreless? Zzzzzzzzz... Hey, a field goal. Cleo Lemon! That's the first time they've scored in weeks. He got in; challenge that. Thanks. Nugent, Hawk and Mangold are all from the same town? That's sick. It's GOOD! I hope the Jets make it. And if they don't, I vote we give them the final NFC spot.

FANTASY REPORT

USFLaPa: Finished fifth.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. San Diego (13-2) - LDT actually kept out of end zone
2. Baltimore (12-3) - Put Steelers out of their misery
3. New Orleans (10-5) - The real deal, folks

BOTTOM 3:
30. Cleveland (4-11) - It's a long, long road
31. Oakland (2-13) - They'll likely head straight to Times Square
32. Detroit (2-13) - A 100-person walkout protest? They can't even quit good

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: Close to the Edge

Bubbles? I'd have that looked at. Man, gameday weather in Seattle this season may be the worst I've seen ever. Anybody see the Seahawks' inability to do anything here becoming a problem? How about giving Gore a little more credit for staying open and then diving to make the catch? Wow. The Smith TD run was embarrassing.

Looks like a hell of a game nobody can watch. And since no one saw it, let's talk about how stupid T.O. is. A guy you've burned twice for touchdowns a couple of hours ago comes out and says you spit in his face, but no one else saw it. You're asked point-blank about it. Why would you ever admit to it? Did he hear about the brawl at MSG and figure this would be a good time to pull this? Nah, I'm giving him too much credit; I don't think he's smart enough to think of that.

Signal Finder: WSH @ NO, PIT @ CAR, JAX @ TEN (4th), PHI @ NYG

This may be more yards than Parker ever gained while he played at UNC. Is it too late for Carolina to bring Rodney Peete back? LOL at the graphic showing all of the things that still have to break right for the Steelers. crosses off Panthers

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass: Lions-Packers.

Not a good start for the Redskins. Someone wake up the Saints; they're getting run over. And all this time I thought it was the back of their defense that was most vulnerable. Maybe Betts is actually that good. Or he's running hot. Congratulations...?

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Buccaneers-Bears. Seriously, this was like a Bizarro World game. That Bucs comeback was ... unexpected, to say the least. Anyone see more than one replay of the Davis catch in overtime? How obvious was it?

Wow, special teams. Aaaaaand Tiki runs wild on the Eagles again. (I'm so glad he's retiring.) How is that a late hit? I'm glad to see that the irony of Shockey telling someone else to use their head wasn't lost on the announcers. This game is moving fast. What this is, right here, is a gut check. Touchdown! This game is still moving fast. How do you not get a touchdown on either of those two trips? Jason: "Run the ball?!" And then they did for the Westbrook TD, which reminds me that more teams (the Eagles included) should have the shotgun QB draw in their playbook that the Broncos have used for years. Why go for two there? WTF GARCIA. And then he follows it up by throwing a terrible interception. If they blow it because of that, he will be booed for life. Of course, the Giants can't stop the Eagles, either, so it may all work out. Remember that it was Brown who gave up the touchdown in overtime in the first game, and Cole who committed the penalty that led to overtime. Notice Tiki trying to knock the ball down, but he can't reach it. If the Giants end up not making the playoffs (and there's now a scenario where they could win out and not make it) Coughlin needs to be fired. There, I said it. Me, Week 11: "crosses off Eagles" OOPS.

SING THE SONG.

LOL at Chad's shoes. The detail is horrible. Nice to hear Merton Hanks has found work, though. (How random was that?) They say chicken soup is always good for what ails you; well, in the Colts' case, it's bread and butter. By which I mean Manning to Harrison. It doesn't seem like Peyton's been under pressure at all tonight. Dwight Freeney lives!

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. San Diego (12-2) - Grinding along
2. Baltimore (11-3) - Boller strong in relief again
3. Indianapolis (11-3) - Back on track

BOTTOM 3:
30. Tampa Bay (3-11) - Back to the bad old days
31. Oakland (2-12) - At least ... some of them ... can ... play defense
32. Detroit (2-12) - Does anybody care?

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Weak Links

Frenchy Fuqua had that record? I wouldn't have guessed that. And how about telling us his real name?

Signal Finder: PHI @ WSH, BAL @ KC, DEN @ SD

Ladell Betts? Seriously? Ladell fucking Betts is doing this? Awful. Hey, an interception! Great heads-up play by TAFKA Will Peterson on the Lewis pick, and check out the block by Considine right after he catches it. Garcia's thrown a few of those ugly-looking floater passes, but he's gotten away with it so far. Man, the Redskins cannot close. This game should be a lot closer than it is. It'd be nice if the Eagles could stop Betts one time, though. Baldinger pointed out that the Eagles haven't been using their eight-man defensive line rotation as much with Kearse out. I say go back to it. It can't hurt at this point. Who is calling these red zone plays for the Redskins? Why are they exhuming T.J. Duckett here when Betts has been running wild? Big, big sack there by Dawkins - now they have to kick it. This is how the first game ended, right?

Of course, the Eagles' run defense can look at the Colts' and say, "Y'all got issues." Garrard: 14 pass attempts. Of course, when you run for two miles, you don't need to throw the ball that much.

Are the Chiefs still punch-drunk from last week? Nice throw into triple coverage, Trent. Geez.

Disillusioned Panthers fans, this is your alternative. Watch and cower in terror. On the other side of this, if the Giants lose this, they're officially done. Eil seems to have righted his ship, though the Panthers being down to their fourth and fifth corners doesn't hurt, either. Foster might as well have waited another week to come back.

Did that rumored fourth-quarter walkout by Lions fans end up gong down? Anyone?

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1-4. The Houston Texans; 5. Deion Branch. (Oh, and in case you were wondering, the Saints visit Houston next season.)

Did anyone see this coming? Good Lord. It's a good thing the Patriots aren't going to the Super Bowl anyway because Brady's gonna have nightmares about Miami after this farce. More on this later.

On the other hand, the Jets seem to be allergic to potential prosperity. Better corners would help. As would the ability to stop a sick man from breaking off a 57-yard scoring run - apparently McGahee was sick during the game and was eating a sandwich on the side line to get some food in him. Yeesh. The Jets will live to regret this one.

This right here is a beatdown. Who the hell is Tony Scheffler? This is now starting to look eerily like the first game with the roles reversed. Oh, wait, never mind. I suggested that for our "Fantasy Heroes" graphic, we should perma-weld LDT in there and just pick four other guys every week.

Well, that was entirely too easy. No Horn for the Saints, but Colston's allegedly back. Who in the blue hell is Mike Karney? I'll ask again: Who in the BLUE HELL is Mike Karney? Parcells did that on purpose, right? It's not like there was 1:59 left and the clock was running or something; there were about 40 seconds left. Why would you do that? What a sequence this last 30 seconds has been. Wow. Where's T.O. been tonight? Ah, there he is, getting an extremely lucky deflection. How that wasn't picked off, I'll never know. Romo hasn't been great (though this wasn't the total meltdown that all new, young starting QBs inevitably have), but the Cowboys' defense has gotten lit up like Christmas tonight. They're taking a knee with three minutes left? That's almost a bigger insult than just keeping on playing. That's like saying, "This ass-kicking has become tiresome." I'll be that's never happened in Saints history. I want to bottle this game.

Barack~~~~~~~~~ Over/under on "Griese on the bench" shots tonight: 4. What the ... did the Rams secretly rehire Mike Martz? What was that? Like eight instead of seven is going to make a difference the way the Bears have been going? We actually missed the first Hester return because we were trying to figure out if the Rams had, in fact, gone for two at the beginning of the second quarter. Looks like Rex has reverted back to September form. And looks like the Rams' defense has reverted back to something less than optimal. Hey, it's that Hester guy again. Lovie should put Griese in at the end here for shits and giggles, am I right? crosses off Rams

FANTASY REPORT

Well. I'd had a feeling all week that I might lose to Wade in our first-round playoff game, but I never thought it would happen because of Tom Brady getting sacked four times, throwing for about 20 yards, and basically having his worst game ever.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. San Diego (11-2) - It's even nice in January
2. Baltimore (10-3) - A nice recovery at a tough venue
3. Indianapolis (10-3) - This has officially become A Problem

BOTTOM 3:
30. Houston (4-9) - Here, have some salt for that wound
31. Detroit (2-11) - Choose your hellhole, Brady Quinn, this one...
32. Oakland (2-11) - ...or this one

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Get A Grip

The production seems ... kind of minimalist, actually. Jamal Lewis lives! What this does remind me of is how much I hate Bryant Gumbel's voice. Reason #624 To Like Chad Johnson: His culpability. The Bengals' defense is crushing the Ravens otherwise tonight. Wipe off your camera lenses, please. THIS NEVER WORKS. Oh, wait. Wait, they couldn't have called that in time. Who doesn't love the flea-flicker? This is obvious, but B.J. Sams breaking his leg is a real blow, and the muff on the following punt was a direct result of that. These fans really want a shutout. Oops.

Signal Finder: MIN @ CHI, NYJ @ GB (for about 90 seconds), DAL @ NYG, JAX @ MIA

Shhhh... don't tell anyone, but the Titans have been getting better every week for the last month. Of course, Peyton can still do that and make it not matter so much. That's the 100th time? Wow. Witness how the Titans are tearing up the Colts' run defense. Interception? Interception. That might be too much time. Sixty yards? Are you kidding me? "Just a dream and the wind to carry me / Soon I will be free.."

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. The lost art of tackling (Guy who couldn't bring down Derek Anderson on his run in overtime, I'm looking at you); 2. Rex Grossman; 3. Nick Novak; 4. a Vikings quarterback; 5. The guy on the Broncos who fumbled the kickoff return on a hit by the kicker should have retired by now.

The way these two teams have gone, this could easily end up 6-5 or some nonsense. PROTECT THE $&(*^&#!(%$@# FOOTBALL. Once Hester got to the 30 and still had about eight Vikings to elude, I knew he'd make it. Look, I know you can throw on these guys, but Rex is trying to do way too much. I blame Steve Spurrier. Good Lord, what's happened to Brad Johnson? He's a Game Manager; he doesn't do stupid crap like that. Ricky Manning Jr. should really be starting somewhere. When did Cedric Benson start playing? Brooks Bollinger? Oh, shit. Is that Jackson? I thought he hurt his knee. What happened to Bollinger?

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Lions-Patriots. Seriously, I don't even know how that happens. I know a win's a win and all that, but if I'm a Pats fan I'm scared to death right now.

San Diego ... Super Chaaaaaaargers...

NO! NOT THE RED JERSEYS! They look like scuba suits, am I right? Does "Kiwanuka" translate into "curse" from whatever language that is? Good Lord. We're nearing the point where the hot-starting new quarterback crashes and burns horribly, so take that for whatever it's worth. You already knew this, but Plaxico's a complete idiot. By the way, who am I rooting for here? CRACK BACK. That's not a good start for Gramatica. More than anything else, it's the Raideresque stupid penalties the Giants always take that have me convinced that Coughlin's hold on this team is tenuous at best. Eli's played pretty well today, which is what he needed. Nice hands, T.O. Who the hell called that time out? That's a gutsy throw by Eli for several reasons, not the least of which is that it's Plaxico on the other end. You know who's good is Jason Witten. THIS NEVER WORKS. Buck: "Remember, of course, that nobody celebrates a field goal like a Gramatica." Aikman: "Yeah, if he makes this one, expect him to be out next week." As tempted as I am to cross off the Giants, the NFC's so bad.

As ineffective as Jake's been, I think this is a mistake. Cutler screws this up from here on and the Broncos are out of the playoffs. Of course, that may not matter if the Seahawks continue to move the ball at a pace that would make a snail say, "C'mon! Pick it up!" Eat it, Jay. EAT IT. See, that's why you eat that. Plummer: "I could've done that." I see Darrell Jackson's reverted to 2004 form. That's it; Shanahan's officially lost his mind. Why would you ever call a fake FG - and run that play especially - in that situation? I'll take back that D-Jack comment now. Mellencamp commercial count: 5. Why has Hasselbeck not thrown a single pass in the fourth quarter? OUCH. Oh, this looks bad. Man. You gotta go for it there, right? Fourth and 1 from the 5? OMG. Good thing they didn't, then. Is this too much time? Josh Brown for the win AGAIN! That guy's pretty good.

It's seriously weak how Panthers fans are turning on Delhomme. They do know Chris Weinke is their backup, right? LMAO at the teams going to the wrong sidelines after the coin toss. Why is Rod Hood covering Steve Smith one on one? I thought Garcia couldn't throw deep. What he has done is get away from pressure well. Can't really say the same for Delhomme. Somebody tackle DeAngelo Williams, please. Both punters are earning their money tonight. Does Delhomme usually complain this much, or is he just getting frustrated? Steve Smith's hip broke Michael Lewis's nose. The hell are you booing for? Nothing happened! OK, this routine where the game can't stay tied for more than five minutes is getting annoying. Gogogogogo Reggie Brown. Apparently the Eagles have found the one team that sucks worse at the fourth quarter than they do. I love the reverse in that spot. How do you throw a pass so high that a guy 6-5 and JUMPING can't catch it? At the end I figured they were booing Keyshawn for whining like the little bitch that he is. (Lito released him before they got into the end zone, and Theismann earns his money by pointing out that the refs have been a little lax with the contact rules all night.) He's gonna get fined for that.

"Predicted Week 15 Flex Game: Chiefs-Chargers (the best of a sorry lot)" DING.

FANTASY REPORT

USFLaPa (10-3, L1): We lose to Merc and drop to the No. 2 seed in the playoffs, which is actually good because the No. 1 seems to be cursed. We'll face Wade in the first round.

JackSux III (4-9, W1): Well, it's something. Actually, no, it isn't.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. San Diego (10-2) - LDT's "Fantasy Hero" streak: Five weeks and counting
2. Indianapolis (10-2) - The hell was that?
3. Baltimore (9-3) - *hiccup*

BOTTOM 3:
30. Tampa Bay (3-9) - I have to ask: is Gruden in trouble here?
31. Detroit (2-10) - So close... but not really
32. Oakland (2-10) - Someone please pull the plug

Stolen From Max II

Look at the songs listed on this site from the year you turned 18 and make note of the ones you like and dislike.

Love
1. Baby Got Back - Sir Mixx-A-Lott (Come on. How can you not?)
5. Bohemian Rhapsody - Queen (bigger hit as a reissue)
12. Mysterious Ways - U2
31. One - U2
47. Under The Bridge - Red Hot Chili Peppers
54. Scenario - A Tribe Called Quest
59. Damn I Wish I Was Your Lover - Sophie B. Hawkins
73. Tennessee - Arrested Development

Like
3. End Of The Road - Boys II Men
20. Caribbean Blue - Enya
26. Don't Let The Sun Go Down On Me - Elton John & George Michael
29. Tears In Heaven - Eric Clapton
32. Give It Away - Red Hot Chili Peppers
33. Life Is A Highway - Tom Cochrane
34. Even Better Than The Real Thing - U2
38. These Are Days - 10,000 Maniacs
43. Layla (Unplugged) - Eric Clapton
46. Nothing Else Matters - Metallica
52. Right Now - Van Halen
53. Friday I'm In Love - The Cure
56. Constant Craving - k.d. lang
57. My Lovin (You're Never Gonna Get It) - En Vogue
67. Free Your Mind - En Vogue
70. Galileo - Indigo Girls

Guilty Pleasure
17. Rump Shaker - Wreckx-N-Effect
24. Mr. Loverman - Shabba Ranks
39. Ain't 2 Proud 2 Beg - TLC
41. Sexy M.F. - Prince (& The New Power Generation)
45. All 4 Love - Color Me Badd
50. Little Miss Can't Be Wrong - The Spin Doctors
61. Jump - Kris Kross

OK With Hearing
6. Smells Like Teen Spirit - Nirvana
7. Save The Best For Last - Vanessa Williams
8. Come As You Are - Nirvana
9. Jump Around - House Of Pain
16. Lithium - Nirvana (The thing about all the Nirvana songs is that this is the year I started college. So I was pretty sick of them after about a week or so of hearing them nonstop. This also applies to any early Pearl Jam.)
23. Sometimes Love Just Ain't Enough - Patty Smyth & Don Henley
35. Beauty and The Beast - Peabo Bryson & Celine Dion
64. Symphony of Destruction - Megadeth
71. Just Another Day - Jon Secada

Do Not Remember
4. Move This - Technotronic
11. Twilight Zone - 2 Unlimited
18. Masterpiece - Atlantic Starr
21. Baby Baby Baby - TLC
22. Finally - CeCe Peniston
25. If I Ever Fall In Love - Shai
28. Always Tomorrow - Gloria Estefan
30. The Hitman - AB Logic (This is clearly made up)
36. Everybody'd Free (To Feel Good) - Rozalla
37. Trashy Women - Confederate Railroad
44. Jump! - The Movement
48. Bang Bang - David Sanborn
49. Make It Happen - Mariah Carey
55. Humpin' Around - Bobby Brown
58. Hazard - Richard Marx
60. Am I The Same Girl - Swing Out Sister
62. 57 Channels (and nothin' on) - Bruce Springsteen (I'm not sure how you can be from New Jersey and miss a Springsteen song, but I managed to do it)
65. I Love Your Smile - Shanice (I remember her being cute but I have no recollection of this song, and from the title I probably would have hated it)
66. I Wanna Rock - Luke
68. Keep It Comin' (Dance Till You Can't Dance No More) - C+C Music Factory (I don't think this is the one you all think it is)
69. The One - Elton John
72. Juice (know the ledge) - Eric B. & Rakim
74. Take A Chance On Me - Erasure
75. Good Enough - Bobby Brown

Disliked Hearing
10. I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston
15. I'll Be There - Mariah Carey
42. Remember The Time - Michael Jackson
51. Can't Let Go - Mariah Carey
63. This Used To Be My Playground - Madonna

Probably Blocked Out as a Mercy to Myself
13. Boot Scootin' Boogie - Brooks & Dunn
27. To Be With You - Mr. Big (A third-rate Extreme. Does it get worse?)
40. How Do You Talk To An Angel - The Heights

Would Die Happy Never Hearing Again
2. I'm Too Sexy - Right Said Fred
14. November Rain - Guns N Roses (Pretentious overblown crap. The beginning of the end.)
19. Achy Breaky Heart - Billy Ray Cyrus

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: A Leg (Of Lamb) Up

And Harrington is greeted with a cacophony of boos. The Lions seem ... I don't really want to say 'inspired', but more so than normal. Can no one cover a deep route in this game? Harrington looks disoriented and confused: "What is that... that... is that cheering? I haven't heard that in years!" Thumbs up for the Holt interception. If this keeps up the Lions may have to bring back Billy Sims. The Dolphins were supposed to play this well all year, right?

May I just say that the Fox voters suck. Is this really the Bucs' first Thanksgiving game? Didn't we just see this? The Williams interception was unexpected because that's exactly the kind of pass that he gets torched on with regularity. This is almost a carbon copy of the first game. How do you get lit up by Tony Romo? I'm sure the Salvation Army will put that game ball to good use.

Signal Finder: PIT @ BAL, NO @ ATL, JAX @ BUF (end), NYG @ TEN, CHI @ NE (end)

So I just found out two weeks ago that I actually have NFL Network - are people actually sitting and watching "The Red Zone"? It looks absolutely mind-numbing and pointless.

Blood hatred~~~~ I'm still astounded that nobody seems to realize that Billick is saving his job with this run. I don't want to call this a 'return' to the 'old-school' Ravens defense because, well, it's the Ravens, but they certainly look like the unit we all remember. They are absolutely crushing. Literally. Every time Ben has pump-faked, something bad has happened. Every time. He should really stop doing that. I've already crossed off the Steelers, right? OMG a Kyle Boller sighting. This one's over. Yes, already. Seriously, this game took about two hours.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Panthers-Redskins.

I have to believe having McGahee back has helped at least a little bit. We jumped into this one during the Jags' game-tying drive and it was pointed out that they were in that 'win on Monday night then go on the road' spot for the second time this season and they lost the first one. Matt Jones! Who? Yeah, this is going to overtime PROVIDED THEY COVER THE KICKOFF. I can't remember a better catch than the one Parrish made here. There's no way that's not good.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Eli Manning; 2. the Cleveland Browns; 3. a Seattle meteorologist; 4. Jake Plummer; 5. an Atlanta Falcons quarterback, wide receiver, or tight end

True Stat: LDT touchdown passes in 2006: 2. Aaron Brooks touchdown passes in 2006: 2.

Here's a good spot for Eli and the Giants to get well, no? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Wow, they're actually using Jacobs outside the two-yard line. This is different. Nothing has happened for the longest time in this game. When did Pacman decide to stop sucking? And why did Plaxico just give up on the route and not even try to tackle him afterwards? Well, at least they won't get shut out. All right, now this is getting interesting in the bad way. Did he just let Young out of his grasp? Are you kidding me? I mean, I know these days guys are getting roughing the QB penalties after actual sacks, but you don't let him go after you've got him. Don't you watch film? And now this game's going to overtime. Just throw it away, Eli. Just throw it aw- dear Lord. This should never have happened.

Predicted Week 15 Flex Game: Chiefs-Chargers (the best of a sorry lot)

REVENGE FOR SUPER BOWL XX. For all the hating I've done on Rex over the years, I think we all forget that this is only his 18th actual start or so. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. This game could end up 0-0 at this rate what with nobody wanting to score and all. It's a good thing Brady makes his money with his arm and not his feet. Man, both of these teams looked like crap.

On a professional level, this matchup yielded the best headline I've ever written: "STAMPEDE!: Colts run roughshod over Eagles". The problem?: That was back in 1999. OK, I take back what I said earlier about the Parrish catch. The Wayne catch was sick. Madden keeps harping on the Eagles' need for a big back and he's right and all, but I think it'd carry a little more weight if they weren't DOWN BY 21 POINTS. Although Westbrook's playing big tonight. Damn, Lito just took that ball out of Harrison's hands. That never happens. Why are they teasing us like this? They can't pull this off. Let me remind you all that I knew this was going to be bad. I did not, however, expect it to go down like this. I mean, I know the Colts' running game has been steadily improving all year, but this is ridiculous.

Has this been the worst year for Seattle weather ever? Seems like every Seahawks game this year it's been raining or raining or ... snowing? That's a new one. And that's the opposite of a good start. On 2+2 they're trying to figure out which team's had the fewest quarterbacks since Favre's streak began. I liked Kimmel throwing out that timely question to Theismann about handling the ball in the snow, but I got lost after the bit about Branch's gloves. The Packers should really be up by 21 at least. Did Hasselbeck practice this week? He's got no timing. I don't think any running play yet has ended with an actual tackle. It's more like the ball carrier just slides sideways for a bit at the end of the run and is touched down afterwards. Seriously, how are the Seahawks only down two at halftime? Oh, wait, I know what happened: the real Hasselbeck didn't arrive until halftime. Either that or there was Chunky Soup involved. It's like night and day. That may have been the quietest 200-yard rushing day ever. Alexander hearts ESPN. Johnny: "Well, that was fun. I think."

FANTASY REPORT USFLaPa (10-2, W4): We're basically racing with Chaz now for the No. 1 seed.

JackSux (3-9, L1): You know what's really maddening? I have more total points than half the teams in the league, and yet I'm in last place.

RANKINGS TOP 3:
1. San Diego (9-2) - Why mess with a working formula?
2. Indianapolis (10-1) - Edge who?
3. Baltimore (9-2) - Best team performance of the week

BOTTOM 3:
30. Arizona (2-9) - Just fire them all already
31. Oakland (2-9) - See "True Stat"
32. Detroit (2-9) - Harringtowned

The Not-So-Great Escape

Click the title. (The picture absolutely makes it.)

Hope none of you guys out there were supposed to get any of those.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 11: The Beginning of the End

Signal Finder: TEN @ PHI, SEA @ SF, IND @ DAL

Yes, I started Chad this week.

It's way too early to be plugging the halftime show, isn't it? Jebus. That's 14 points the Eagles have flat-out dropped. What happened there? What do you mean, he can't put any weight on it? Oh, no, here comes the cart. This never ends well. Is Garcia still dating what's-her-name? Anybody know? Ever heard of tackling? Hey, the Titans found something Pacman can actually do. Good for them. Voting for Upset of the Year is officially closed. What's that, Andy? Oh. crosses off Eagles

Is it just me or do the Browns have the market cornered on ways to lose games they had won ever since they came back?

Is anybody going to score here? Anyone? Hello? Oh, here's ... oh, wait, Clark fell down. Scratch that. He was down, right? Right? Wow, Dungy really should have challenged that. Bad job by his staff on that one. Way to go, Vanderjagt! Both of these teams have looked pretty bad. Uh, Peyton? Who the hell was supposed to catch that? This should never have happened. I, for one, am disgusted. And NBC just threw up in its mouth.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. The Vikings' offense; 2. Andrew Walter; 3. The Browns' defense

Look who's back! Nice suit, Coach. Alexander looks rusty, like he didn't practice enough last week or something. Is this right? I'm seeing things, right? Eh, the Niners are so bad defensively it'll never hold up. See? Like I said. Whoa, big stop there. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I'm going to repeat that, because it bears repeating. TIIIIICK tick tick tick tick TIIIIIIICK tick tick tick tick ... oops.

So the Chargers are going to come into Denver and lose again? Is that it? As a side note, we've heard that damn song three time already and the first quarter isn't even over yet, though that's not as bad as last week when they ran it three times before kickoff. Did we ever decide if it was the system or the backs? Because I have no idea who the hell Damien Nash is and he's gaining eight yards a pop. I don't think the Chargers are gonna be able to make this comeback running the ball. Well, they can always do that. Uh-oh. UH-OH. OK, the run LDT has been on as of late is borderline historic, isn't it? And what's sort of been overlooked in the midst of this and Rivers' improvement is how closely the two are related. This offense, while not as good overall as the Colts', has made the Broncos' defense look like clowns in the second half. Look at this. They're kicking off inside Broncos territory. That's got to be a first. This ending sequence here is completely unpredecented - you never see "the dumbest penalty ever" happen four times in a row. If the Chargers end up blowing this, Marty will set that stadium on fire on the spot, mark my words. Madden: "There's two footballs on the field."

I'm beginning to wonder if MNF should have a talk show-type announcer telling us who's going to be visiting the booth every week. Del Rio ALSO choosing to rock the suit. I like this trend. At the outset here, it looks like the good Jaguars have shown up tonight. The Giants are really spinning their wheels here. How'd he get away with that one? Was no one there? Eli is completely off, and they're going to miss Toomer more than people realize. I'm pretty sure I've expressed my David Garrard fandom before -- that big run he had there is what I'm talking about. The Giants didn't need this. You know the Jags are 3-1 against the NFC East (and could make a case for 4-0)?

FANTASY REPORT: USFLaPa (9-2, W3): So glad I didn't try to trade Brady last week for WR help. So, so glad. I'm smart. S-M-R-T. Oh, yeah, we're 9-2 after beating the Yorkville Gamblers.

JackSux 3: Oooh. This one's gonna be close. Jen had a lead of about 2.5 on me going into MNF, and I had Eli and she had Shockey. (EDIT: HOLY CRAP I WON! I WON! IT'S MORNING AGAIN IN AMERICA.)

RANKINGS TOP 3:
1. San Diego (8-2) - Comeback kids du jour
2. Chicago (9-1) - Bears 2, East Rutherford 0
3. Indianapolis (9-1) - Too many little things went wrong

BOTTOM 3:
30. Houston (3-7) - J.P. Losman? Really? Inexcusable
31. Detroit (2-8) - Leinart wins!
32. Oakland (2-8) - What question is Brooks possibly the answer to at this point?

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10: Home Sour Home II

Signal Finder: WSH @ PHI, DAL @ AZ, DEN @ OAK, STL @ SEA, NO @ PIT (end)

Nice weather today. Welcome back, Mr. Stallworth. Look at Dawkins come swooping in to break up a sure touchdown. That's why we love him. Was it a fumble or a lateral? I'm still not completely sure, as it looked like Brown slipped when he turned and the ball came out. The radio guys called it a lateral but Reid said it was a fumble. Yeah, it's officially not Portis's year. I'm looking at this, and I think it should be Redskins ball at the 1. Oooh, they got that one wrong. Re-kick? When did they kick it? What's going on down there? Oh, on the field goal. OK. Jebus. Stockton: "Well, that's over." And this is just about where the Redskins have been shutting themselves down all game. See? T.J. Duckett LIVES! WTF with the slant call? I need to ask: did Miller Lite pay to get some of the new crowd signs planted this season? We had "B-lock" this week, and I'm almost certain I saw "OFF-fence" somewhere either last week or two weeks ago. crosses off Redskins

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Bills-Colts. Though the Colts' running game just might end up being good enough.

Clearly I should bench Chad in fantasy every week. Looks like the Bengals have finally woken up. Looks like the Chargers have finally woken up. This ... this is nuts. Words are inadequate. And yet the Bengals are staying in front ... until that happened. LDT is a man among men. Clearly, I should bench Chad in fantasy every week. Marty: "If you didn't enjoy this ... then you might not enjoy football."

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close II: Patriots-Jets. Apparently the story all week was that Belichick was annoyed when Mangini took the Jets job against his wishes/advice, and that Mangini showed the Jets a tape of Clay-Liston I the night before. Still, there's no reason for this. You know all three of the Patriots' losses have been at home? The Jets are 5-4? Jebus.

Didn't the Texans beat the Jaguars like, just last week?

Eh, go for it. You're 1-7 and all getting fired anyway, for the love of God. Shame for Leinart that Reggie Bush wasn't around to push him over there. I have to say, if nothing else, these are nice digs the Cardinals have. Is there a more one-sided 'rivalry' in sports than this one? Do Cowboys fans even care about the Cardinals?

Way to go, Jake! I've clearly chosen poorly today. And this game has come to a screeching halt. Hey, the Denver defense is back! Ah, same old Raiders. They could've won this game if they didn't suck so hard.

Are the Saints regressing?

I need to know something; maybe you guys can help me out. Whose country is this?

And the weather here hasn't gotten any better. Not the start Rex wanted after last week. How do you let a guy break off a run - a RUN - like that on 3rd and 22? Can't anybody here hold on to the football? Well, Mark Bradley can, at least. Tiki hasn't been the same since he went out. The Giants are running out of guys again, it looks like. Holy - are they gonna do this again? Wow. Wowowowowowow. I don't know where 'hold a candle up to it' came from, but Al and John were right - the Giants really should've just tried to get closer for a closer FG attempt or just punted, since you're likely not getting the first down there. When they dug up the stat on third down runs of over 20 yards, I questioned how there's unemployment in this country.

I was going to predict the next flex game but I've already learned it'll be Eagles-Colts, which means NBC must have wanted to televise a bloodletting that night. Peyton owns us like he owns the Broncos.

FANTASY REPORT USFLaPa (8-2, W2): We held off the Mid Season Quitters (who are anything but at 7-3) and are tied for first.

JackSux III (2-8, L8): So, yeah, I benched Chad Johnson. Who proceeded to score 45 points. And I would have won had I played him. Shoot me. Shoot me in the head.

RANKINGS TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (9-0) - Even the narrowest escapes work sometimes
2. Denver (7-2) - Broncos survive gut check
3. San Diego (7-2) - Bouncing into 2 vs. 3 showdown next week

BOTTOM 3:
30. Detroit (2-7) - Not much going right here
31. Oakland (2-7) - Bad enough to lose again
32. Arizona (1-8) - Should face Ohio State-Michigan loser

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: The Clearing

Signal Finder: DAL @ WSH, HOU @ NYG, DEN @ PIT

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass: Packers-Bills.

Three cheers for hated rivals. There's an auspicious beginning. Doesn't the chart also say that you should never go for two before the fourth quarter? If not, it should. Romo looks decent. If the Redskins lose, you can cross them off and start getting Jason Campbell prepped. Hey, T.O., nice catch. Wait, here they come now. And here's the Redskins' season possibly on the line. He missed? Good Lord. Did the Cowboys really get down there in like 12 seconds? LIQUORED-UP IDIOT KICKER. I don't know if that was a 15-yard face mask - in fact, I'm thinking it wasn't - but I'll take it. OMG Nick Novak again. That JUST made it.

Chaz: "Lost to the Dolphins, huh? They ARE the '85 Bears!"

You know who's good is Roy Williams. Even the biggest pessimist had to see this one coming out of the Lions at some point, as this is what Mike Martz's offenses do. The Falcons were supposed to win this game, right?

The Ravens are 6-2? Really?

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Texans-Giants. Seriously.

Rod Smith lives! I think Plummer's implosion in the championship game last year caused Shanahan to scale back his passing opportunities. His stats don't show it, but it seems like they're running the ball early in games more than ever. Man, the Steelers look like they've been hit by lightning. Still, there's some shades of the old Ben on the TD pass to Parker, and a good job by Parker to get himself open. The crowd cheering when Wilson replaced Holmes on the punt return ... you know it's a rough year. Wow, Javon Walker is just going off. Cuts across the field to beat the pursuit and then just ... he may still be running. Oh, no, he had to stop and line up to catch another touchdown pass. crosses off Steelers

The thing about this is the Colts aren't intimidated any more after last year. Wait, don't run it out! "Nice catch, Hayes. Don't ever fucking do it again." Huh, I thought I heard Maroney might not play tonight. And playing the role of Reggie Wayne last week will be ... Marvin Harrison. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Did the ending of the first half remind anyone of last year's playoff loss to Denver? That whole "Are these the Patriots?" vibe? What I'm noticing about Wilkins on his punt returns (and it's strange that I'm noticing this) is he doesn't force anything. He'll actually slow down and wait for some blocks to be set up instead of immediately changing direction. Wrap him up, Freeney! WRAP HIM UP! Great catch by Harrison. WTF Vinatieri. Wow. Brady was nothing short of bad tonight (Granted, he got no help from his receivers) but not as bad as the MNF loss to the Dolphins a couple of years ago that is still Upset of the Decade.

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Kevin Faulk Tyler Brayton; 2. Kevin Faulk; 3. Ben Roethlisberger; 4. Santonio Holmes; 5. A placekicker.

And things continue to go wrong for the Raiders. Gotta love that weather. The Raiders' defense has acutally sort of been able to hold the Seahawks down after that start, but they can't move the ball at all. Man, Moss is having an awful night. That's Bosworth? I thought it was Terry Bradshaw until he started talking. I'm starting to fear for Andrew Walter's health. What's helping the Seahawks is that they don't actually have to play all that well to win this game. What the hell was that? Was that the Harley Race knee? Is dude a Triple H fan or something? Throw his ass out! shakes head And the Raiders become the first team to be shut out on MNF twice in the same season or something obscene like that.

FANTASY REPORT

USFLaPa (7-2, W1): Back on track after LDT carried me to a win over Doom.

JackSux III (2-7, L7): The trade: Brad Johnson and Tony Gonzalez to Butch for Issac Bruce, Byron Leftwich, Michael Turner, and the Bengals D. The result: A loss to Butch. Chad Johnson is benched until he gets his shit together.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (8-0) - Two huge road wins give Colts top spot
2. Denver (6-2) - Nice bounce-back
3. San Diego (6-2) - Chugging along under radar

BOTTOM 3:
30. Houston (2-6) - Meh for moral victories
31. Oakland (2-6) - This wouldn't be happening if Al Davis was still alive
32. Arizona (1-7) - At least they didn't lose

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: All You Can Eat, Baby

Signal Finder: JAX @ PHI, STL @ SD, IND @ DEN, UCONN @ RU

The other reason the Tampa Bay loss is so bad is that the Eagles have a bye week next week, and they always lose this game and usually look horrible doing so. With that in mind ... that's as ominous a beginning as possible. And it's just getting worse from here. The Jaguars aren't even pretending to consider passing the ball. Apparently the rule there is once you, as the punter, start to run with the ball, you're fair game regardless. (Aside: How the hell was that #1 on "Jacked Up!"? That was the weakest hit of the five.) "There are no cameras allowed within the player box" because Stroud was on the sideline with a camera in his bag taking pictures of the action, I guess. You know it's getting bad when McNabb has to lobby to get a clear facemask call. The field-level mics are excellent today. What's with all the penalties? It's like they've become the Raiders. Wow, the Jaguars are literally running wild here like nobody has this season. In a way, I'm not surprised by any of this. CATCH THE FUCKING BALL. What is this, 2001 again?

OCHO CINCO. LOL at Carson ripping the fake name banner off the back. And it's about time Chad got involved, isn't it? Vick's going off again. Can he keep it up? Why is Schaub in on the two-point conversion?

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Texans-Titans.

Reggie Bush, while good, is clearly no LaDanian Tomlinson, as evidenced by that ill-advised pass there. These are the Saints of, well, most years: the bunch that can't get out of their own way. Man, Heap catching the ball off the tip by Craft - now they're just sabotaging themselves. Billick takes over the playcalling and the Ravens put up 35? Was that the solution all these years?

from the wire story: "About half the team the Seahawks took to the last Super Bowl seemed either suspended, demoted or lame." Is Brock Huard still in the league? Man, the Seahawks' offense is beyond bogged down; it's positively stagnant, though give Seneca credit for trying. LJ's running wild. Are they really getting lit up by Eddie Kennison? Really? Don't throw it! At least not there! The Chiefs are really, really trying to lose this game ... first that, then Law dropping the pick, then he fell on the Jackson touchdown. Wow, did they get bailed out.

The Cardinals may not recover from the Bears chokeout. I mean ever. The hell were you thinking, Edge? At least he finally scored.

The Jets are 4-4? If it weren't for the Saints, this would be the surprise of the year.

THIS IS A CLASH OF TITANS. This should be very interesting if only to see if Shanahan lets the Broncos' offense try to do anything against the Colts' defense. The Colts would be better served at this point using the pass to set up the run. Darrent Williams is getting used and abused. You know who's good is Peyton Manning. This can't be what the Broncos wanted - they're putting uppoints, but they have to because their vaunted defense is getting cut up. On the flip side, usually the score would be about 33-10 by now. Mike Bell in the house! 1:48? Yeah, that's way too much time. See?

I got the two years switched in my head. Sorry, Rob. (But I'm right about the fallout from that Arizona loss.) WTF Ben. Hey, a Jerry Porter sighting! He could be just the... spark... this offense... needs? Wow. This is truly pathetic. On both sides. Cowher really just needs to put Batch back in because Ben's not right.

LDT goes off. Lather. Rinse. Repeat. It's strange actually seeing the dramatic philosophical shift the Rams have undergone under Linehan. Falling behind early put the kibosh on that, though. Stephen Davis? I'm not sure about the onside kick in that spot. I mean, yeah, you'd have to score almost immediately if you stop them on defense, but if they get it and score, it's over. Maybe next time they'll listen to me.

What's happened to the Panthers?

It's almost too obvious a strategy, isn't it? Throw the ball repeatedly against a good run defense? So that's where Brooks Bollinger ended up. I didn't know.

FANTASY REPORT USFLaPa (5-3, L1): Thanks to McNabb's no-show (not to mention, well, everybody else's), Chaz crushed us. I'm not a fan of my WR depth at this point. Next is Doom, who scored all of 20 points last week.
JackSux (2-6, L6): Enough is enough AND IT'S TIME FOR A CHANGE. My six-player deal with Butch had not been approved at press time.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. Chicago (7-0) - If they can keep scoring points like this...
2. Indianapolis (7-0) - Clear leader in AFC
3. (tie) New England (6-1) - Don't look now, but...
(tie) San Diego (5-2) - The Merriman situation bears watching

BOTTOM 3:
30. Oakland (2-5) - Ah, sweet home cooking
31. Detroit (1-6) - Meh
32. Arizona (1-7) - Same old Cardinals

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: A Real Kick In The Pants

Signal Finder: PHI @ TB, WSH @ IND, DEN @ CLE (what)

I'd love to know why we got a CBS early game last week but not this week. As it is, all I've got to watch during the commercials is a DirecTV infomercial hosted by Brooke Burke. Didn't the Steelers and Falcons play to some high-scoring tie last time they hooked up? Ben looks better. Vick looks good. I can't say the same for the alleged coverage on Ward. CLANG. Just looking at Ben being carted off, you can tell he has no idea where he is. He might think he's still dating Natalie Gulbis. Somebody get that man his shoe! How does a field goal get screwed up three times? Wow. This one's going to linger. After this I expect Arthur Blank to pay Terry Bradshaw to rip Vick every week.

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Packers-Dolphins.

What's happened to the Jaguars?

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Eagles-Bucs. The worst part of Joe Buck doing World Series games is you've got nobodies like whoever this is with Baldinger doing second-tier games. I can't imagine who's in Oakland. I say the block of cream cheese melts about 1/4 of the way but the cheesesteak is unaffected. Wow, the Bucs have no offense. Who are you and what have you done with Donovan? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I'm sure they're good people, and they come across like they are, but from a strictly competitive standpoint I really don't like the Barber brothers. Ronde owns Donovan like John Welbourn used to own Warren Sapp, and Tiki's been killing them for years. You wanna throw that into the end zone next time? Good Lord. And now it's time for the third quarter comeback. Thomas Tapeh lives! There's a nice visual, thanks for that. There's always a point where there's a few plays in a row where everything on both sides happens noticeably slower than anything else that's gone on so far, and this is that point. YAY WESTBROOK. Nice tackling. Okay, they're kidding themselves. Dude hasn't even broken 40 yards this year, and he's never cleared 50. Nice straight kick at least. WTHITGDSMF. You know what the worst part about that is? There are a few guys in this league who can realistically make that kick. One of them is in this game. And it sure as hell isn't MATT FUCKING BRYANT.

Wow, that Super Bowl losers' hangover is in full effect, isn't it?

Not a good-looking hit on Peyton there. What's all this nonsense? When did the Redskins become the Raiders? They're kicking off from their own 5. That has to be a record. If Peyton doesn't come out for the second half there's gonna be problems. Oh, never mind then.

No one but me remembers this, but it was an overtime loss at home to the Cardinals that started the Raiders' collapse that year when they ended up in the Tuck Rule game, and then, really, started this steep descent into the mess they're in today. I wonder if the Raiders are who they thought they were, also. Why did Fox even bother cutting to this?

I forgot to mention this last week but I don't recognize Barry Alvarez not wearing a red shirt. (The entire BCS segment on the O.T. threw me. The whole time I'm thinking "Why is the BCS trophy there? And who's the suit?")

The Giants have never won in Dallas on Monday night? I didn't know that. If I'm them I rush on every down - this line can't block a casket. SAFETY! ding You can't throw that pass. You just can't. Who's luckier at this point? The case could be made that the Fastest 3 Minutes is now the best NFL highlights paackage on the air. Tony freakin' Romo gets a standing ovation? You realize that's one step closer to the Lions, right? Welcome to the big leagues, kid. Nice catch, T.O. The Giants are just piling on now. Quarterback draw! Told you. Parcells: "They out-everythinged us."

FANTASY REPORT
USFLaPa (6-1, W6): CROSS-LEAGUE REVENGE FROM LAST WEEK as I hang on to beat Gates by .12. I was hoping Tiki didn't score any touchdowns, but I forgot that he also has Jay Feely. LDT's touchdown pass was big.

JackSux (2-5, L5): On the other hand, SHV can't get out of its own way. I think the lesson I've learned here is I should never actually draft my own teams.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. Chicago (6-0) - Week off gives Rex time to learn to set feet
2. Indianapolis (6-0) - No one's talking about them, which might be a good thing
3. Denver (5-1) - How does a 5-1 team have a quarterback controversy?

BOTTOM 3:
30. Detroit (1-6) - At least Roy Williams is showing something
31. Miami (1-6) - Joey should consider golf. Or poker
32. Oakland (1-5) - Yeah, yeah, they won. They still suck

Molinowned

No Mets.

No Yankees.

No Red Sox.

No 80+ years of fan angst.

This is gonna be the best World Series ever.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Crown Their Asses

Signal Finder: PHI @ NO, HOU @ DAL (ew), TEN @ WSH, CIN @ TB (end), KC @ PIT, MIA @ NYJ

I was gonna ask if the Saints got the same new indoor grass that the Falcons did but it's plainly obvious. Joe Horn lives! It's the beginning of the Houston game again, isn't it? One thing I'm noticing about the Saints that's going to be a problem down the road is their issues with downfield coverage. The Eagles' receivers get open downfield and they just run wild. Like the Brown touchdown. And the Schobel catch. And a couple by Smith. Hey, how about some pass blocking? WTF Michael Lewis. First the Terry Glenn deal last week and now you bite on a double move that Lito picked up on three plays before? Who are you, Roy Williams? Why are there 12 men on the field? Wow, Johnson's pissed. And rightly so. I'm not as mad about this loss as a lot of people are. Is something wrong with me? As for the Saints, it's amazing what a difference having a coach and quarterback with actual football intelligence makes.

If T.O. had a crap game this week he'll end up leading the nightly news in the bad way. Why is Houston ahead? At any point? Ah, that's ... I don't want to say 'better', but order's been restored.

Dare I say it ... Boller looked better than McNair has.

I don't get showing the highlights from every Bucs late-game collapse this year when the Bengals have no time left. Oh, and has Chad forgotten where the end zone is? This is getting ridiculous. Does Marvin actually think this is going to work?

Would it be inappropriate to say that the Chiefs haven't stopped anyone since Derrick Thomas died? I ask because I'm having trouble remembering the last time their defense was any good. Here's the best way to cure what ails Ben: Hand the ball off 50 times. That never happened to Ricky Williams, right? You'll note it's mostly defensive guys who have the long dreads hanging out of their helmets like that.

I think CBS has shown us all of their games now. Yeesh. Mare missed that badly. He's better than that. Must be those Meadowlands winds.

One of my colleagues is a Mets fan so we watched the baseball game. The Mets nearly outscored both teams. At least the Raiders covered.

Glendale is a 'developing suburb' that only has this and the hockey arena. I'm not convinced anyone actually lives there. WTF. WTF. Just when I get on the Grossman bandwagon he turns into Browning Nagle. Meanwhile, Leinart and Boldin are absolutely clowning the Bears. Is this happening? The Cardinals haven't been on MNF since 1999 and it shows. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Nice blocking on the Brown fumble TD. If they blow this... Man, Edge has run behind better lines in Pop Warner. And they're bringing Arrington in to spell him? Urlacher's been in on every defensive play for the Bears. Wow the Cardinals' running game is terrible. OMG. Does Hester have a position yet or is that all he does? I'd say "And that's what makes them the Arizona Cardinals" but this is devastating even for them. Edge: Most carries for fewest yards. Bears: Only team in NFL history to win after being down by 20 with no offensive touchdowns. Oh, and Green's postgame press conference meltdown is the new "PLAYOFFS?!"

Butch: "That was just ... special."
Nate: "TEAM OF DESTINY"
Johnny: "Pray for Cardinal Nation tonight."

FANTASY REPORT

USFLaPa (5-1, W5): We're in a three-way tie for first after beating Scott. LDT was huge again, as was Coles.

JackSux (2-4, L2): I had a .02 lead on Chris going into Monday night, so I basically needed a Bears shutout and Boldin to get in a car accident on the way to the game or something. Didn't happen. We're in a four-way tie for ... well, last despite having scored the third-most points in the league.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. Chicago (6-0) - Bears don't look gift horse in the mouth
2. San Diego (4-1) - SUPER CHARRRRRRRGERS
3. Denver (4-1) - Score points, please

BOTTOM 3:
30. Houston (1-4) - Ain't a damn thing changed
31. Miami (1-5) - I thought the AFC was the superior conference
32. Oakland (0-6) - Madden: "Sometimes you go to lick your fingers and there's nothing there."

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Proof of Pwnership

Signal Finder: WSH @ NYG, BUF @ CHI, MIA @ NE (2nd half), DAL @ PHI, SD(P) @ STL

When you're already overmatched, you can't give your opponents opportunities, either. That's what's hurting the Bills as much as anything else. Where'd this Davis come from? Arena League? OK. This is a beating, plain and simple. When these commercials end, I expect to be watching something else.

Joey Harrington? Really? (I got switched over at 30-0.) What's sad is that this might actually be one of his ten best games. Seriously, how did this happen? It's not like he's a head case like Ryan Leaf was and you could see it coming. Baffling. The Evans touchdown call may have been the least enthusiastic in the history of broadcasting.

I'm calling it now: if the Giants lose today, they're toast. Yet the Redskins aren't acting like they're aware of that. They're very passive. This whole game seems to be running at three-quarter speed. Shockey's gone missing. This is why I don't trust the Redskins -- they're too Jekyll and Hyde. They did this all of last year, too.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Titans-Colts. Young had a force field around him or something on his touchdown run. How did both Harrison and Wayne go four games without catching a touchdown pass?

It's just a matter of time before the "REG-GIE! REG-GIE!" chant comes back. The Saints are approaching something resembling actual legitimacy, which is as big a surprise as anything else that's happened this year.

Three reasons this game is legitimately important: 1) the Eagles haven't won a division game in over a year; 2) it's a division game; 3) the Eagles haven't beaten a decent team all year. Let's see if I can manage to not mention him by name in this recap. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. (Repeat for the entire first quarter.) Having Lito back is big. What's odd about all of this is that it seems like the nicer digs at Lincoln Financial have subdued the fans somewhat. I mean, it's still loud, but it's a tiny bit less hostile, if you can believe that. Hey, how about covering Witten one time? I know he's good, but still. Baskett's mad at himself. Guys, he was undrafted. I'm surprised Bledsoe has that many rushing touchdowns. Have they even thrown to him other than the Dawkins pick? This is killing him. Absolutely killing him. Roy Williams getting owned on a deep route? That's never happened before. Loved the multiple crowd shots after his drop. PROTECT THE... QUARTERBACK. (Swerve~) FLEA FLICKER!!! WTF LEWIS. Although Glenn would've caught it otherwise (and he dropped it as it was). LITOOOOOOOOO. Good Lord. I think Bledsoe's replaced Brett Favre. What a horrible throw. The other thing that did was cost a lot of gamblers a lot of money (the line was Dallas +7.5).

Hey, Matt Leinart! Your new uniform? I don't know about it. Aesthetically, I mean. I don't know if he's "ready", but I do know he's looked better than Warner did in his last eight or so games. At least MNF has a reason to even mention the Cardinals next week. WTF Kansas City. You have Larry Johnson and can't get four yards? Speaking of LJ, he's gonna want his head back after that face mask. Ouch.

Could San Francisco Bay overflow and drown both teams? It's possible, right? Can we hope?

The Padres are going to regret not jumping all over Carpenter here -- he's too good to not come out of this and shut them down afterwards. You know what's been kind of forgotten about him is that he was supposed to be this good -- he came up with Halladay in Toronto and they were going to bring the Blue Jays back, but he was just never healthy. Ryan Klesko's still alive? Well, barely, I guess.

Why is Michael Turner in the game? And why does he keep getting the ball? Did something happen? I need answers.

SNOW~~~~~~~ God bless Denver. If either team breaks 10, I'll be shocked. Okay, I'm shocked. But it was close.

FANTASY REPORT

USFLaPa (4-1, W4): We beat the winless Basselopes despite subpar outings from everyone not named Donovan McNabb.

JackSux 3 (2-3, L2): To be fair, half of my roster this week was backups, but still.

RANKINGS TOP 3:
1. Chicago (5-0) - And it's no longer close
2. Denver (3-1) - Though more than 12 point a game would be nice
3. Indianapolis (5-0) - You can't stay at #2 after almost getting picked off by the Titans

BOTTOM 3:
30. Tennessee (0-5) - A little something for the effort
31. Detroit (0-5) - Marinelli admits they're still undisciplined
32. Oakland (0-4) - Moss couldn't look more bored if he tried

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Roger That

Signal Finder: IND @ NYJ, DAL @ TEN, NO @ CAR (end), NE @ CIN, JAX @ WSH (end)

Were it not for the broken collarbone that ended his last year in San Francisco, I might buy T.O. having an adamantium skeleton or something. The Vince Young thing was supposed to be a surprise but it got leaked. Is there really a good time to make a move like that when you're this bad? WTHITGDSMF. OK, I hate the Cowboys and everything, but that ain't right. Terry Glenn's still alive? Why did T.O. give Pac-Man his shoes after the game? Identification purposes?

I'm surprised at the back and forth here. This'd be better if the Jets could actually stop Peyton. I mean, he does what he wants most of the time as it is, but this is just sick. The Colts are even running the ball with some success, and that hasn't happened yet this year. If you're gonna go for it in that situation, call a better play. I swear the Colts pull people off the street and put them in uniforms. Who are these guys and why are there so many of them? What the Jets could use right now is... that? Wow, that's an awful lot of time left even without any time outs. And here's Peyton doing his Eli impression. How do you let yourself get pinned at the 2 on a kickoff? Does it look that chaotic when they practice it? Because when you set it up like that, it's obviously a designed play. Just a wonderment: if Washington gets that last lateral, do the Jets make it?

I might catch some flak for this, but I think Culpepper's problems can be summed up in two words: Randy Moss.

Big plays, high scoring, Mike Furrey... Joe Klopfhenheim ... well, there goes my train of thought.

Dillon getting booed~~ It's not like the Bengals to leave points on the field like this. But can the Pats capitalize? Yeah, it looks that way. Man, Dillon and Maroney are just beating up this defense. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Hey, Troy Brown's playing defense again. Where's Chad?

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Browns/Raiders.

What happened to the vaunted Jaguars defense?

Did they really ditch the Sunday Night Football song after three weeks? Grossman is hitting everything so far. I'm thinking the four-receiver set might not be the best idea tonight. This score is backwards, right? I never saw this coming. I might have to change my mind about these guys. We've seen Manning do this before, you know. There's a word for what we've just seen: "BeatDOWN." Thank you, Mr. Wilbon.

No Westbrook AND no Green? Good Lord. I keep looking up and somebody's got first and goal and no one seems to know how it's happening. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. The Eagles seem badly out of sync without Westbrook, like they haven't adjusted to knowing that he wouldn't be playing (though, to be fair, it was a game-time decision). Reid's running an awful lot. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. This right here is how you lose a game you're supposed to win easily. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. And that is how you lose a game that a better team is trying to hand to you. Donovan's taking over the running duties almost out of necessity at this point. Yes, he did drop some weight. Dawkins and Lewis are absolutely laying people out. You know who I like is the Jennings kid. Greg Lewis's still alive? I'm officially feeling better.

FANTASY REPORT USFLaPa (3-1, W3): Thank you, Donovan McNabb. We trailed Missing In Action by 10 points going into MNF, but McNabb accounting for four touchdowns erased that deficit and then some.
JackSux (2-2, L2): We were doomed by matchups. Larry Johnson ran all over the 49ers, Terry Glenn torched the Titans for two TDs, and even Kevin Jones had a big game for Mammy's Dull Thins.

RANKINGS TOP 3:
1. Chicago (4-0) - Third in points scored on top of all that
2. Indianapolis (4-0) - Ground game slowly improving
3. Baltimore (4-0) - But are they actually this good?

BOTTOM 3:
30. Detroit (0-4) - Insert New Coke analogy here
31. Tennessee (0-4) - Vince, stay in running shape
32. Oakland (0-3) - Will be lucky to win three games

Redirected Outrage

The latest Terrell Owens drama bomb has me pissed off.

But not for the reasons you'd think.

It's been about 24 hours now since the story broke nationally. In that time, Owens has been wheeled into the emergency room, treated for a reaction to painkillers, apparently told police he had attempted to commit suicide, been released, attended Cowboys practice, and held a press conference.

Why the hell isn't he still in the hospital?

Maybe it's just me, but if someone comes into the hospital groggy and reacting to medication, and I've just been told that he said he tried to kill himself, regardless of the state he's in, he's not leaving the hospital until he's fully evaluated.

And he's also not going anywhere near a football field, practice or otherwise, for at least a week.

(For the record, I don't believe it was a suicide attempt -- T.O. loves himself too much. I also don't believe he's thinking about trying to get out of coming back to Philadelphia in two weeks after he said he would definitely be there -- if he wanted to do that, there are much easier and less risky ways. Plus, we all know T.O. has no filter or sense of tact; he said he'd be back for the Eagles game and he meant it.)

Who made that call? How did he get out so quickly? Do the Cowboys have that much pull? And if they do, it's disgraceful, even if it turns out to be much ado about nothing.

And the hell of it is, I don't even like the guy.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: Where It All Begins... Again

Signal Finder: CIN @ PIT, CHI @ MIN, PHI @ SF

Is Chad getting triple-teamed or something? I haven't heard his name called yet. Ben hasn't looked all that sharp either, again. I don't think he's healthy yet. Carson's not doing much better, but at least he's making plays, and T.J.'s been huge in his first action. The Williams interception in the end zone was huge in retrospect. Um ... call a fair catch there, sir.

Anyone surprised that nobody's scored a touchdown in this game yet? No? That's the correct answer, believe it or not. You get the sense that we're going to see a game like this every week this year. I think it was the Winfield interception where there was a flag that everyone was sure was going to nullify the touchdown, but it didn't. I know I saw that happen at least once. Why is Brad Johnson running the football? Nice coverage on Davis there at the end.

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Titans-Dolphins.

You're telling me nobody on that defense can reverse field and chase down Peyton Manning? The Jaguars are tired of moral victories against these guys.

Two teams off to disappointing starts. Something's gotta give, right? Steve Smith, y'all! But why is Keyshawn getting all the air time? Yes, Chris Simms played the entire fourth quarter with a ruptured spleen. (Big ups to SportsCenter for the spleen Did You Know?, by the way.)

Kenny Albert and Brian Baldinger are our new Sam Rosen and Bill Maas. No Stallworth? The hell? CHICANERY RULES. The Westbrook touchdown run is the kind of run that his critics don't think he can make. This is what Norv Turner does best; the 49ers offense is showing some flashes here. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Man, that really never gets old. Did you notice how nobody realized what was happening for about three seconds? Even Dawkins was celebrating the stop until he turned and saw Patterson running. Why does Baldinger keep talking about Ryan Howard? It's just out of place. Hey, a Michael Robinson sighting! It's not happening again, is it? Yeah, let's nip that in the bud.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what makes them the Arizona Cardinals.

REVENGE THE TIME IS-- wow, the Seahawks sure slapped that down quick. It doesn't help that the Giants are taking the same stupid penalties they seem to do every week. I really overestimated the Giants' defense - these guys should be collecting tolls. I'm waiting for Eli to start channeling Scar from The Lion King: "I'm surrounded by idiots."

Jake Plummer's maligned? This is news? Meanwhile, the Broncos' defense has been handing out beatdowns every week and no one seems to notice. The Patriots are having problems.

The Falcons have no shot tonight, right? blocked punt Yeah, looks that way. Morten Andersen lives! "You know how old he is? He's 206."

FANTASY REPORT

USFLaPa (2-1, W2): Got 20 points each from Donovan and Keyshawn to beat Will. Yes, Donovan started over Brady, and as long as the Patriots' passing offense functionally resembles the Ravens', it'll stay that way.

JackSux 3 (2-1, L1): Dupin kicked my ass with Westbrook's and Portis's big games. I benched Coles here, but Houshmandzadeh had a big game and Randle El stepped up. Chad needs to get with the program, though. I thought this was my earliest loss in a Rob-run league ever, but research showed that I lost the first game two years ago by 1.5 points or something ridiculous.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. Cincinnati (3-0): Imagine when they peak
2. Chicago (3-0): Grossman's showing me something I didn't think he had
3. Indianapolis (3-0): Though running game is a concern

BOTTOM 3:

30. Tennessee (0-3): Titans paying for botching QB situation
31. Oakland (0-2): Hmmm... to use my line now or save it?
32. Houston (0-3): I could conceivably put "Should have drafted Reggie Bush" here every week but that'd be a bit much

By the Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Seared In Its Own Juices

Signal Finder (since I should probably be including radio, also): NYG @ PHI, NE @ NYJ, KC @ DEN

When Roy Williams guaranteed victory, did he specifically say this week?

What was THAT? Has the humidity already gotten to Akers? It is hot here today. Apparently the Eagles stole this no-huddle from the Colts last week. The prevailing theme so far seems to be "blown pass coverages". And it continues! Things are getting contentious. When they showed Jones's jam on Shockey I immediately thought, "That's the flag, isn't it?" Things are GETTING CONTENTIOUS. The crowd reacting to the Akers miss was priceless. Do the Giants even know Smith is on the field? That may be one of the cheapest touchdowns ever. I'm against the Eagles going for it here, and that wasn't even close. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I don't know why Coughlin's so angry; this review can only help him. Oh, they've fucked this all up. THINGS ARE GETTING CONTENTIOUS. What? He KICKED him? What the FUCK? Good Lord. But this is what Eli does. I've got a bad feeling about this. What's an 'illegal snap'? Anyone? If this was a playoff game, Plaxico drops that. What a disgrace.

306 rushing yards? Is that a record or something? Modern era, at least?

Something's very wrong with the Panthers. Do they really miss Steve Smith that much? Oh, in case y'all forgot; Julius Peppers? Still a bad-ass. WTF Chris Gamble. They just gave you the ball voluntarily and you're gonna give it back? Wow, Ryan Longwell now has a higher passer rating than Aaron Brooks. Was he out of bounds? Seriously, I'm asking. Oh, there's the ball; never mind. Wait, that came from the sideline? WTF John Fox.

"Sprained shoulder." Riiiiiiiight. Are the Ravens ripping off the Rams from last week? Oh, a safety. OK.

You know the saying, "If you have two quarterbacks, you don't have any"? What if you have three, and three running backs on top of it? Hey, a ... Charlie Whitehurst sighting?

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Patriots-Jets. So are the Pats just going to split out their tight ends now? Is that the plan? Did these two teams watch the end of regulation of Eagles-Giants and say, "Hey, that looks entertaining. Let's try that"? But the Jets suck too much, Coles's nifty touchdown aside. Another blocked kick? Is this the Clemson game again?

Old NFL Primetime > The Blitz > New NFL Primetime > Football Night in America

No Portis? That's unfortunate. And it looks like the Steve Smith question above, when applied to Portis and the Redskins, is a definite "yes". Nice to see Bledsoe slap down this Tony Romo foolishness for one week at least. How about Madden being unusually blunt about the Redskins' offense? "I don't think they have the right personnel." Damn it, you were supposed to suffer the performance-inhibiting injury IN Philadelphia, not three weeks beforehand! Asshole.

Hey, it's Ben! Would it have killed Peterson to at least drop his own name during the Jaguars' lineup introductions? ZZZZzzzzzzz... oh, wait, a Jaguar defender just smacked somebody in the mouth. LOL at Leftwich selling out Pennington as being slower than he is. I know it's only Week 2 and they were both home games but the Jags have made a couple of serious statements.

FANTASY REPORT

USFLaPa (1-1, W1): LDT ran wild again in a 100.80-67.64 win over Wade. Donovan will start next week because he's facing the 49ers while Brady draws the Broncos.

JackSux (2-0, W2): I don't think Jen's going to take being beaten by a Manning very well. Eli going nuts in the second half and Antonio Bryant going nuts, period, gave SHV a 154.28-110.73 win.

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 1: Home Sour Home

The new theme song... leaves me nonplussed. Nice of NBC to pick up the tradition of the individual player intros. Can I just mention now how strange it is to see Al Michaels holding an NBC mic? Nice leap, sir. It is REALLY LOUD down on that field ... I can barely hear Costas. Nice play call on the Batch-Miller hook-up, but is Miller that fast or is Will Allen that slow? Whoa, his knee was down. Why aren't the Dolphins challenging this? Wait... you mean they did? Wow, somebody was asleep at the switch on that one. When DID they get rid of the replay buzzer? And will this bring it back? Nice read of the play by Polamalu. Did someone get a piece of that kick? Reed never misses that badly. Aaaaaand the Dolphins give it right back.

View Finder: PHI @ HOU, NYJ @ TEN, NO @ CLE (end), DAL @ JAX, Federer @ Roddick

New graphics for everybody!

Vince Young, y'all! Has Pacman Jones always had "P. Jones" on the back of his jersey? Like that's his actual name?

AGAINST: The new referee uniforms.

Is this... is this pass protection? From the TEXANS? It's an insane world. And Carr looks like he likes it. Over/under on T.O. references: Seven. Nice fake by Donovan, and Stallworth ended up ridiculously open. Maybe I should have made that the over/under for the first half. Jeez. Excellently done, sirs. Wali Lundy? Wow. I'm fairly certain I saw him play in high school.

Braylon's gotta catch that.

How 'bout that new Mike Martz offense! Johnny: "Man I hate ugly wins AND Ford Field. I hope they burn that fucker down."

All of one yard to start. Well played. Also, what's with the Cowboys seemingly opening every season these days on the road against an AFC team? When did it become "Maurice Jones-Drew", anyway? I'm just waiting for Fred Taylor to get hurt, myself. Hey, a Reggie Williams sighting! The Jaguars have pretty much owned the second half. You know who hasn't been all that good is Bledsoe. Is this really an upset? The Jags were a playoff team last year.

I'm just glad the game's finally being played. The Giants aren't letting the Colts run the ball at all, really. But they keep dropping interceptions. Man, they just look sloppy in general. The Colts have been trying to replace Harper for years and he keeps sticking around by doing things like that. What a time for Shockey to have a blonde moment. Coughlin's gonna pitch a fit.

Is that Lee Corso as the mascot in the Nike commercial? (Edit: It is. And Leinart's the backup QB.)

AGAINST: The Vikings' new shoulder striping. I seem to remember the Vikings' punter-as-new-holder story being something of a big deal in the offseason and then that happens. Clearly HANDS is not among Troy Williamson's buzzwords. Theismann: "Sean Taylor doesn't care who he hits." I don't know about anybody else but I thought Tony owned Joe on Tirico's "Does Taylor's reputation work against him when it's the difference between a flag being thrown or not?" question.

Wow, when did the Raiders sign the Texans' offensive line? Andrew Walter? Already? This is surprising mostly because it's happening so soon. For some reason I was sure he was a lefty.

FANTASY REPORT

USFLaPa (0-1, L1): WTF. Now I know how the Panthers feel. I got ambushed by the Cargers defense and lost to Shaken Baby Syndrome by five. (Of course, if I hadn't started Brady over McNabb this could have been avoided.)

JackSux III (1-0, W1): Now this is more like it. A 141-102 win over Brady's Bunch. If SHV actually scored touchdowns, we'd be dangerous.

Fearful Forecast 2006

NFC EAST

N.Y. Giants (4) - Eli Manning's continued improvement will be the key to the G-men's fortunes. An overhauled defensive back seven will help, headlined by OLB LaVar Arrington, who's desperate for a fresh start and a chance to stick it to his former team.

Philadelphia (5) - Overly optimistic? Yes. (Remember, I'm biased.) But what you also have to remember is that everything that could go wrong for a team in a season short of a death went wrong for the Eagles last year. (Jerome McDougle getting carjacked and shot didn’t even crack the top five.) Donovan McNabb is healthy and has something to prove, the defense should return to form, and new WR Donte' Stallworth will help the offense.

Dallas - Way too many questions. Was Bill Parcells actually considering Tony Romo as a serious option at quarterback? Is last season's catastrophic playoff miss still in new kicker Mike Vanderjagt's head? Can the offensive line keep Drew Bledsoe upright? Oh... and the T.O. time bomb is already ticking.

Washington - The Redskins won their last five to reach the playoffs with a pedestrian offense, and I don't know if it's gotten any better. Antwaan Randle El only caught 35 passes last year, Brandon Lloyd's nothing but a highlight reel, and Mark Brunell's dangerously close to the end.

NFC NORTH

Minnesota (3) - How do you clear out all of your playmakers on offense and get picked to win a division title? Simple: You play in a horrible division with a very easy schedule (they get Carolina, New England and St. Louis at home) and the most reliable starting quarterback in said division. If new RB Chester Taylor proves he’s a No. 1 guy, this team will be helped immensely.

Chicago - They're not going to sneak up on teams anymore, and if opponents can luckbox their way into 13 points, they'll win because the Bears did absolutely nothing to improve their offense. Rex Grossman still isn't any good, and Brian Griese's his backup.

Detroit - This team is screwed for at least the next three years because of a multitude of bad decisions. New head coach Rod Marinelli may have the league's most thankless job at the moment. Jon Kitna, while not a terrible quarterback, is not the guy who's going to clean up this mess.

Green Bay - Brett Favre will immediately regret this decision. Didn't I say that last year? And every single move the Packers made was designed with the idea of getting him to retire in mind, and that didn't work. QUARTERBACK PROJECTION FOR 2006: Aaron Rodgers starts a game this year.

NFC SOUTH

Carolina (1) - Steve Smith's balky hamstrings are cause for concern, but his maturation and mergence last year made a good team borderline great. The Panthers have very few weaknesses and could win it all.

Atlanta (6) - Lost in the Falcons' overall drop-off last season was the fact that the defense suffered a drop-off. John Abraham should help fix that, bolstering the pass rush to help out their young corners. Also - and this is based on little more than a few games of observation where he seemed to start trusting his WRs more and a hunch - I think Michael Vick's gonna have a big year.

Tampa Bay - And it'll come at the expense of the Bucs, who are good enough to win 10 games and not get out of one of the league's toughest divisions. Chris Simms showed signs of being a keeper and will get every chance to succeed, but he needs WR Michael Clayton to bounce back.

New Orleans - Things can only go up for the Saints, whose collective football IQ took a big leap when Jim Haslett was fired and Aaron Brooks was allowed to leave. Drew Brees and Reggie Bush were brought in to energize the offense and the city, but there's still a lot of work to do to make this team respectable.

NFC WEST

Seattle (2) - Last year's Super Bowl losers have to deal with the Madden cover curse on top of it. And Shaun Alexander's not going to have a repeat of last season - that just doesn't happen. But what's gonna save them is the mediocrity of their division.

St. Louis - It'd be almost impossible for Scott Linehan to be a worse game-day coach than Mike Martz, so that's a step up. They filled a lot of holes in the offseason and still have plenty of offensive talent. That and a relatively easy schedule could set this team up as a surprise playoff team.

Arizona - The addition of Edge was vital, and Matt Leinart falling into their laps should bode well for the future, but until they prove otherwise, they're still the Arizona Cardinals. I'll believe it when it happens. Not a moment sooner.

San Francisco - Their best defensive player left to sign with a division rival. Their best offensive player is a rookie tight end. This ... this is gonna take a while.

AFC EAST

New England (2) - Is the Deion Branch situation the beginning of the end? Too soon to tell. But the Pats lost some key players and may be reeling after a rare playoff loss. That aside, they're not going to beat themselves.

Miami - The Dolphins actually came on last season, showing that they're buying what Nick Saban's selling. Then they went out and grabbed Daunte Culpepper, whose recovery from completely shredding his knee has been remarkable. But it'll all be for naught if he plays like he did before he got hurt last year. Their defense is showing its age a bit but is still solid.

Buffalo - The Bills haven't done anything right since drafting Willis McGahee three years ago. Other than him, Nate Clements and London Fletcher, there's very little to like here. They'd be a candidate for the worst team in the league if not for...

N.Y. Jets - Last year the bottom fell out, and whether it looks like it or not, the Jets are starting over. Rookie offensive linemen D’Brickashaw Ferguson and Nick Mangold should anchor the line for the next 10 years. Who will be behind them is another matter entirely.

AFC SOUTH

Indianapolis (3) – Dominic Rhodes and rookie Joseph Addai should pick up for the departed Edgerrin James, but I’m worried that the Colts have taken too many hits to their collective psyche with their playoff failures to make another big run at a Super Bowl.

Jacksonville (6) – The Jaguars sneaked into the playoffs last year and may have to do so again. The offense needs to find another level if this team wants to be a Super Bowl contender.

Houston - Mario Williams may turn out to be a top player, but the Texans still drafted the wrong guy No. 1. The biggest surprise here is that David Carr's still alive.

Tennessee - There's chaos in Nashville right now, where the last-minute addition of Kerry Collins has people wondering about the quarterback situation. But which of Travis Henry, Chris Brown and LenDale White will be the main running back? And will Pac-Man Jones ever pull his head out of his ass?

AFC NORTH

Pittsburgh (1) - Ben's health problems notwithstanding, the champs are still the champs, and they didn't lose anyone who can't be replaced. And don't forget, they didn't win the division last year.

Cincinnati (5) - Carson Palmer looks fine coming back from his knee surgery, and will again be at the helm of one of the league's best offenses. An improved defense will help make life easier for the Bengals, and it'll have to be with their brutal schedule.

Baltimore - Kyle Boller finally started getting it late last season, but Steve McNair was brought in because head coach Brian Billick's job is on the line, whether anyone will admit it or not. While his presence will help, I don't think it'll be enough in what's become a much tougher division.

Cleveland - The Browns still aren't good, but new DE Willie McGinest brings winning credentials and badly needed leadership, and Kellen Winslow II and Braylon Edwards can add some firepower and attitude if they stay healthy for once.

AFC WEST

Denver (4) - Is the Jake Plummer era already ending? The drafting of QB Jay Cutler would seem to say so. It really doesn't matter anymore who's running the ball for this team, but I fear Cutler's presence will mess with Plummer's head, and we all know wht happens when Plummer's head's messed up.

San Diego - I still don't like that they let Drew Brees walk when they could have gotten something for him but whatever. They still have LDT, and he’s going to have to carry even more of the load until Philip Rivers and the defense prove themselves. Fortunately, LDT’s good enough to do that.

Kansas City - Larry Johnson's studliness aside, I think their window's closed. The rest of the offense is getting old, the wide receivers are still crappy, and the defense still hasn't undergone the overhaul it's needed for years.

Oakland - They might as well have brought Kerry Collins back if they were going to sign Aaron Brooks instead. You think Jerry Porter's pissed off now (and there's a certain irony in a team with Randy Moss having an unhappy WR and it's NOT Moss), what's gonna happen after Brooks throws the other way into double coverage? Plus they lost their best defensive back and DE Derrick Burgess is on schedule to rip his knee up again.

WILD CARD

N.Y. Giants over Philadelphia; Atlanta over Minnesota
Indianapolis over Jacksonville; Cincinnati over Denver

DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS

Carolina over Atlanta; N.Y. Giants over Seattle
Indianapolis over New England; Pittsburgh over Cincinnati

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIPS

Carolina over N.Y. Giants
Pittsburgh over Indianapolis

SUPER BOWL XLI

Carolina over Pittsburgh