By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 17: Gag Reflex

Signal Finder: OAK @ TB, NYG @ MIN, CAR @ NO (end), DAL @ PHI, MIA @ NYJ

I wonder if Gannon's having flashbacks. Ah, same old Raiders. Why is one of your offensive lineman getting blocked so hard by Ronde Barber it puts him on the ground? *cringes* Oh my God. Poor Cadillac. Thanks to CBS's superior sound, you can hear him screaming "Are you fucking kidding me?" after he grabs his knee there. Going for it's the right call even if they don't make it. Of course, you then must prevent that at all costs. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. How are the Bucs just letting the Raiders run all over them here? This should never have happened. crosses off Buccaneers (Raiders 31, Buccaneers 24)

I have no idea why the Vikings didn't punt before the end of the half. They do still need to win this game if only to prove something to themselves. David Carr what? Berrian just ran right by whoever that was. Wow, a Mario Manningham sighting. That ending was a train wreck. Good thing it worked. (Vikings 20, Giants 19)

Did anyone see the pre-game footage from Patriots-Bills with the goal posts literally swaying in the wind? And the field goal Lindell missed that got blown across the end zone? Given the latest possible Brady news, you have to wonder what's next for the Patriots. Oh, and by the way, the Super Bowl losers' curse? Alive and well. (Patriots 13, Bills 0)

What Jerry Jones doesn't realize is that the reason everybody kept asking him about Wade's status all week is that nobody believes him when he says he's not firing him. Astoundingly, everything's broken right for the Eagles... let's see what happens now. Oops. Yeah, that was probably a fumble. What's with the Eagles giving up all these third down conversions? Classic McNabb right there on the big pass to Buckhalter. Sneak it! Ding. Good job, Pacman! Wait, did the Eagles just score again? That's the first time I've heard Chris Clemons' name mentioned all year. Here come the Cowboys again, though I don't think they've got much left. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Did that really just happen again? This is an absolute massacre. How do you go an entire week knowing what's at stake and show up and do this? That speaks to leadership and character - or, in this case, the lack of. In retrospect, Folk kicking off out of bounds to start the game should have been an omen. PLAYOFFS? DON'T TALK ABOUT... oh, no. Oh no no no no no. Let's talk about playoffs. This is nothing short of unbelievable. Hey, Jerry, you might want to rethink that "our coaching staff is in place" thing. Or not. I don't mind. (Eagles 44, Cowboys 6)

Pennington doesn't seem like the vengeful type. The hell are they going for two there for? GUNSLINGER. Y'know, it'd be nice if Thomas Jones showed up, what with being the AFC's leading rusher and all, you'd think he'd produce in a game of this magnitude or something. Seriously, I'm watching this game and I can't figure out how the Jets got to 17 points in the first place. Geez, Brett. That one was worse than the one you threw in overtime of the Fourth And 26 Game. I've given up trying to figure out if this is it for him or not. On the flip side, who says you can't fire the players? The Dolphins brought in, what, 24 new ones or something like that? (Dolphins 24, Jets 17)

There's some serious dislike developing here. This is brutal. The Broncos' defense couldn't stop us at this point. Not to mention the fact that they'd have to find Sammy Winder's phone number if the season was two weeks longer. Slight miscommunication by the Chargers on the Manumaleuna touchdown. Well, there's some life from Denver. Ah, never mind. Didn't we JUST see this? crosses off Broncos Understand this: Mike Shanahan will never be fired. But if he was ever going to be fired, it would be after this debacle. Seriously, have this many teams ever folded like this at the end of a season in the history of sports? Johnny: "Better get the band warmed up - they have a song they'd like to play for us." (Chargers 52, Broncos 21)

RANKINGS:
1. Tennessee (13-3) - Rest and wait
2. N.Y. Giants (12-4) - Even their backups give 100%
3. Carolina (12-4) - No longer sneaky, just good
(tie) Indianapolis (12-4) - Seriously, y'all don't want NONE of this

30. Kansas City (4-12) - Herm's watching the clock
31. Cleveland (4-12) - They scored one touchdown in their last six games! One! That's almost impossible!
32. Detroit (0-16) - Well, at least they still have the Red Wings

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Unsteady Hand

Apparently what happened at the end was the Cowboys were set up for an onside kick and the Ravens called a time out, then the Cowboys decided to kick it deep, which was... probably not the optimal strategy. Philly.com commenter: "We complain about our QB not being able to win big games; Romo can't even get out of December." (Ravens 33, Cowboys 24)

Signal Finder: PIT @ TEN, AZ @ NE, MIA @ KC (end), PHI @ WAS

PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Especially down there, Ben. You're better than that. Of course, he's getting no help from his offensive line again, which may well be what sinks them in the end. As usual, he rallies well, though. I'm not sure holding the football out with Troy Polamalu anywhere near you is a good idea. Simms brings up the valid point that the Steelers may just be beat up after a season with really no easy games (well, except the Bengals). That may have been the slowest interception return ever. Considering the history the Steelers have had hosting the AFC title game, this result may actually be for the best. (Titans 31, Steelers 14)

Yeah, so this 'Cardinals winning their first division title in 51 years' thing... I'm thinking that's as far as it goes. (Patriots 47, Cardinals 7)

I Have GOT To Get Out Of This Business, Part XII: I mean, it's bad enough that Rod Marinelli hasn't won a game this year, that he's coaching a team with exactly one good player, and that he's going to join the ranks of Detroit's unemployed at approximately 4:45 p.m. EST on Sunday. But he doesn't also need to deal with idiocy like this. There's a way to ask that question - and at its base, it is a somewhat legitimate question - without turning it into an unnecessary personal attack. At least no one will read about it. (Saints 42, Lions 7)

I don't think we'll be seeing that Mike Singletary Coors Light commercial any time soon. (49ers 17, Rams 16)

I think Zorn's being a little too hard on himself... the Redskins were never 6-2 good, but they're not as bad as the team that lost to the Bengals last week. Have the Eagles ever stopped Portis? I mean, ever? You know what this looks like? The bastard child of the 2003 NFC title game against Tampa Bay and the 2004 NFC title game against Carolina. Here's what I said in 2003: "I don't know, everyone's gonna be ripping Reid's game plan tomorrow, but the Eagles couldn't even get that right." And here's what I said after '04: "When a dozen catchable balls hit the ground, you NEED to lose." And yet... they're still one good drive from tying this game. Are the Redskins gonna blow this? Really, guys? Caught! Did he get... no, not even close. They're gonna run out of... yep. This should never have happened. (Redskins 10, Eagles 3)

Seriously, let's give it up one time for the Atlanta Falcons. (Falcons 24, Vikings 17)

Already you see how having Jacobs back makes a huge difference for the Giants. Problem is, the Panthers can play the same game even though they only have two guys. They're just going back and forth on each other. Seems like one of those nights where the last team to score will win, but with the twist that no passes will be thrown. Scratch that 'no passes will be thrown' bit. It's amazing that Ross almost had a play on that after falling down 40 yards back. The Giants cannot stop the Panthers' running game. That should be cause for concern. Wow. Just as the Giants had tightened up defensively in the second half, Williams breaks that one off. There's plenty of time left, but that could hurt. Unless, of course, Ward takes over. And we haven't seen Bradshaw at all tonight. This might be a little too long a try. Aaaaand he missed! TOUCHDOWN after about six second-effort tries. This was good stuff right here. (Giants 34, Panthers 28, OT)

Frozen tundra of Soldier Field, anyone? Two degrees is a record low for a Bears home game? That's actually hard to believe. Ron Winter being the referee is amazing. Apparently the Bears' offense has also been frozen. I thought the name "Amy Freeze" rang a bell... she used to work here. Rodgers looks too comfortable against a Bears defense, while Orton's doing his best Rex impression again. A Matt Flynn sighting? Nice throw on the touchdown to Olsen - the Bears needed that. The Packers just caught another break with the Collins interception and then proceeded to waste it. It's the Matt Forte show! And the Packers' defense fails in the fourth quarter yet again. Wait, how... oh, they blocked it? Wow. (Bears 20, Packers 17, OT)

FANTASY REPORT

JackSux 5: Yeah, we finished... seventh again.

RANKINGS

1. Tennessee (13-2) - They might regret that towel stunt
2. N.Y. Giants (12-3) - Back on track
3. Carolina (11-4) - Showed mettle in loss

30. Cleveland - Seriously, CEDRIC BENSON?! I mean, it was one thing when Jamal Lewis did it...
31. St. Louis (2-13) - Blew best shot at win they've had all year
32. Detroit (0-15) - Seriously, what's left to say?

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Now playing: De La Soul - Ego Trippin' (Part Two)
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: House Money Plays

Signal Finder: BUF @ NYJ, TB @ ATL, TEN @ HOU (end), PIT @ BAL

Part of the problem is that the Jets can't tackle Lynch. Which is good for the Bills since Losman really hasn't been very good at all. GUNSLINGER. Who am I talking about there? That kickoff return TD getting called back is a killer. And that Jackson touchdown is a crusher. Man, the Jets fans have absolutely turned on them. Listen to those boos. What the... why is Losman dropping back to pass? Lynch was running through the Jets' defense like it was butter. Sweet Jebus. MIRACLE AT THE MEADOWLANDS 3. (This is 2, because you're going to ask.) Oh, the referee got clocked during the scrum? I wondered what was going on there when Gumbel remarked on him and Favre joking around on the sidelines afterward. This should never have happened. (Jets 31, Bills 27)

Are these signs of life from the Chargers? And does it matter? (Chargers 22, Chiefs 21)

Bad move going for it there, Fisher. That's an easy field goal. Then there was that weird explanation about how he took the wind in the third quarter when he should have taken it in the fourth and he lost me. I mean, maybe it's not that easy a field goal, but I think you can get away with running the ball instead of throwing a medium fly pattern to a receiver who's not very good from a quarterback who's having a bad day. (Texans 13, Titans 12)

I mean... the Lions have been in these games. They just don't have any talent. (Colts 31, Lions 21)

This game got switched on us from Redskins-Bengals and huzzah to that. The announcers calling the Bryant touchdown before it happened - is that good or bad? I didn't expect the Bucs to get run on as badly again as they are today after Monday night. Turner's made life so much easier for Ryan it's not even funny. Wow, they just completely whiffed and missed the guy who blocked that punt. I guess the Falcons are ready to go to overtime. And there's the "contractually we can only keep you here until 4:15" speech, but it might not matter as this has been the fastest overtime ever. It's GOOD. A lot of NFC contenders are very unhappy right now. For the Falcons to look as sloppy as they did and still win is... something. I'm just not sure what. (Falcons 13, Buccaneers 10, OT)

crosses off Redskins (Bengals 20, Redskins 13)

The return game may well be the best weapon to counteract either of these defenses. I'm sure Nantz got it, Phil; he just chose not to acknowledge it. And now you're gonna leave him hanging? "We don't have time." This game is going basically exactly as expected. Really? Ed Reed didn't run that back for a score? I'm stunned. That's a great job by the Steelers to only give up a field goal there. 9-6 seems about right, doesn't it? Look at this drive. That might be the shortest big catch Nate Washington's ever made. How many clutch catches has Ward made in this game. This is "The Drive", isn't it? Didn't that start at the 8? Also these are the old Browns. WHY ARE YOU SPIKING THE BALL?? Wow. Really? I think he's in. Oh, I didn't notice the ball itself; I just thought his feet touched in the end zone. And they change the call. TOUCHDOWN. Harbaugh is displeased. Would they have gone for it on fourth and six inches or whatever? Would you have gone for it? (Steelers 13, Ravens 9)

Way to get the fans back on your side, T.O. Seriously, why has no one ever told him to shut the fuck up? Eli is getting killed out there. Romo's not feeling all that well himself. Can anybody run the ball tonight? Seriously, Eli's getting crushed. I think we've learned that the Giants can't survive without both Burress and Jacobs. See? Winning DOES solve everything. (Cowboys 20, Giants 8)

That's a good start. On one hand, it's nice to see Ken Dorsey getting work. On the other hand, Brian Sipe is two phone calls away. Donte' Stallworth LIVES. See, this is the other thing with Reid and this has always been true: He'll try to get too cute sometimes and end up outsmarting himself. (That said, a better throw and we're not bringing this up.) That's why we pay Samuel the big money. Again with bad things happening right before halftime. This might be the first game all season Braylon Edwards hasn't dropped a pass. How did Lewis get that wide open? Expectations this year for the Browns were, I thought, unrealistic, but they should be better than this. I mean, how do you not score a touchdown in a month even by accident? Well there's one. Put in A.J.! The Eagles could have easily scored 45. (Eagles 30, Browns 10)

FANTASY REPORT

JackSux 5: We have a consolation bracket? Why do we have a consolation bracket? Seriously, I just found this by accident. Not much has changed, though, as the Seagulls still can't score points to save their lives. Up with the big boys, it's Johnny vs. Rob for the title.


RANKINGS
1. Tennessee (12-2) - They certainly didn't need that
2. Pittsburgh (11-3) - Things are officially interesting in the AFC
3. N.Y. Giants (11-3) - Two straight stinkers

30. St. Louis (2-12) - Late-game meltdown was vintage Haslett
31. Kansas City (2-12) - Growing pains, indeed
32. Detroit (0-14) - I got nothin'

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Checking For Pulses

Signal Finder: PHI @ NYG, DAL @ PIT, NYJ @ SF

Trent Cole leaping over two guys was pretty neat. Why'd they stop the clock? Not AGAIN! Are you kidding me? That's a momentum shifter. It's also just a crappy kick looking a the replay now. Nice drive by the Eagles to start the second half. It's also a good way to slow down the Giants' momentum as they've been flat all day. What, AGAIN?! We're closing in on a record, right? Pierce slowed up at around the 15 on the Westbrook touchdown. I guess DBs don't call each other off like outfielders in baseball. It'd be something if Samuel was thinking, "Dawkins is about to run into me." The third down situation is astounding. On both sides. Twins? What? Awww. Distractions schmistractions. The Eagles straight outplayed the Giants, which isn't saying much because the Giants were absolutely terrible. (Eagles 20, Giants 14)

Really, Packers defense? You let Matt Schaub go off for 414 in your house? Even though it's more than likely that the Texans are doing their annual late-season "Hey, watch out for us next year" tease before next year actually arrives and something goes horribly wrong. Schaub: "You just want to go around and give everyone a hug." This should never have happened. crosses off Packers (Texans 24, Packers 21)

Here's how bad the Bills have been running the last six weeks: They're playing in Toronto's dome, and it's in the teens and SNOWING in Buffalo. (Dolphins 16, Bills 3)

Yeah, I don't think Tashard Choice was who the Cowboys had in mind, either. I don't think this is a fumble but it's gonna be next to impossible to overturn. Wait, wait... that last view from behind the play might have shown that it was a fumble. Hey, can anybody here HOLD ON TO THE BALL? YOU CAN'T SEE IKE TAYLOR. Well, Romo clearly didn't. I'm not sure how to describe this. Wait, what? There's three guys around Romo and none of them get to him? It's almost like that little pump fake somehow froze all of them for just enough of a split second so he could get the throw off. Yeah, Ben's knee's down. Both of these guys have pulled off some Houdini-level escape acts in this game (of course, that's because both offensive lines have done a piss-poor job pass blocking. Seriously, you both practice against the 3-4 every freakin' day.) I don't mind the Steelers going for it on fourth and goal, but I don't like that play call on third. That's a big punt return. TOUCHDOWN. The Cowboys almost got to that extra point. Was that overthrown? That's pretty bad. Actually Witten never turned around now that they've replayed it. T.O. is furious. I love it. (Steelers 20, Cowboys 13)

The good news for the Jets: NO ONE saw this. (49ers 24, Jets 14)

Qwest Field has apparently been surrounded by ambulances. Again. The Patriots were about three minutes from getting crossed off. (Patriots 24, Seahawks 21)

Completely Unrelated Aside: Am I the only one who feels like "Secret Millionaire" and "Momma's Boys" should switch networks?

Madden: "The Ravens' offense is hot." That's the first time that sentence has ever been uttered. I don't know how smart it is to hang up on Ray Lewis, though I do hope Phelps said, "Not now. I'm watching film." Oh, look, Ed Reed's returning a turnover for a touchdown. That's never happened before. And now the Ravens' defense can go to work. And work they do, as the Redskins can't get anything started. Nice threading the needle by Campbell. The hell is Zorn challenging this for? Five yards can't be worth it at this point. Man, the Redskins got caught completely off guard by that. And you know things have gotten bad when Al Michaels is going to his bad Cosell impression. These guys and the Colts - the two AFC wild cards ITSWTERN - are probably the most dangerous teams in the race. (Ravens 24, Redskins 10)

This'll be interesting, sure. Two pretty obvious plays challenged practically back-to-back here. It is pretty amazing how two-dimensional the Panthers' passing game is. I mean, those guys are reliable and everything, and I guess it doesn't actually matter that much when you run the ball as well as they do, but still. This is going about how everyone would have predicted. Antonio Bryant lives?! I think the floodgates are opening. Now this is going about how the Panthers hoped. It's not often you see the Bucs defense get run over like this. Great catch by Bryant. Much like when the Giants gashed Baltimore, I fear for the Bucs' next opponents. (Panthers 38, Buccaneers 23)

FANTASY REPORT

JackSux 5 (6-8, L2): Lost to Butch in the season-ender. We just couldn't score enough points this year. Again, at least I didn't finish last.

RANKINGS
1. Tennessee (12-1) - Titans keep rolling along
2. N.Y. Giants (11-2) - You don't show up, you drop a spot
3. Pittsburgh (10-3) - Always ugly, yet always effective

30. St. Louis (2-11) - Cardinals break 61-year division title drought on YOUR WATCH
31. Cincinnati (1-11-1) - Can Marvin Lewis be saved?
32. Detroit (0-13) - Really? We're resorting to cheap shots now?

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Home Crap Home

I have a solution, by the way: Make the Lions game the night game on NFL Network to expose them to as few people as possible. Well there's an inauspicious beginning. Are you kidding me with this? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Ah, Daunte. Nice to see some things never change. How does no one catch that guy? If I'm the Titans I don't throw any more passes. Seriously. I mean, it's not like the Lions can stop the running game or anything. Boy, that escalated quickly. I mean, that really got out of hand fast. I wonder if Vince Young's gonna get in. I wonder if Drew Henson's gonna get in. I wonder which one of them's gonna get in first. I'm looking for good players on the Lions; I'm struggling. I'm having trouble finding them. I feel like the Titans are just tired from the first half and don't feel like expending the effort to go all the way to the end zone anymore. And the answer is... Vince Young! With Henson a fairly close second, actually. Can we show Grey Cup highlights or something? Seriously, this year's Lions may be the worst football team I've ever seen. Who in God's name are they beating? (Titans 47, Lions 10)

Way to stick it to 'em, Julius. rolls eyes Where's the Seahawks pass rush? Romo's got enough time back there to listen to his girl's entire catalog. Also, somebody cover Witten, please. Hasselbeck hasn't looked that bad throwing the ball - if the Seahakws' receivers could catch some third downs, we might have something. I'm trying to figure out how the Bennett kid's older brother is still in college. I feel like Troy's reading some things into the Seahawks' future that just aren't there. I mean, I'm not there, so I don't know either, but it seems like he's making a lot of leaps. You didn't ask, but T.O.'s house in Jersey? STILL on the market. Ah, they've given the Gobbler a makeover. I always enjoy Buck struggling to hide his utter contempt for that thing. I DO miss the mutant eight-legged turkey, thank you very much. Didn't we JUST see this? (Cowboys 34, Seahawks 9)

I'd almost rather go on defense first. Back-to-back running plays? I'm stunned. How many Papas are there? Touchdown! There's a welcome sight. And now the thing I worry about - the Cardinals' offense. Well, Warner is prone to this sort of thing. Gotta love the precision here. Seriously, McNabb and Westbrook both look rejuvenated, which is even more amazing on a short week. Hey, an Edgerrin James sighting! On the sidelines, but still. Seriously, what is up with that? Is this the Rams game again? One thing Collinsworth's pointed out a few times is that the Eagles aren't swapping out their receivers on every play, and it's helping them, as Curtis and Jackson are clearly their two best guys right now. Boldin's having a rough night. "Put in Kolb!" They DID. Collinsworth: "Well, I'm kind of a jerk anyway..." What? Three straight ass-whompings. Nice work, National Football League! (Eagles 48, Cardinals 20)

Signal Finder: NYG @ WSH, IND @ CLE, MIA @ STL(!)(end), CAR @ GB (end), PIT @ NE, DEN @ NYJ (end)

I think what we've learned about the Giants this week is that they don't actually need Plaxico, which makes giving him that new contract at the beginning of the season seem, well, kind of stupid in retrospect. (Giants 23, Redskins 7)

This is some serious drudgery. I mean, serious. I guess the Browns'll do that. The Colts' goal-line offense looks like the Eagles'. Wait, what happened? Oh, the Dave Casper rule. How did nobody notice that Peyton fumbled the first time around? Even the kickers are being dragged down by this molasses-like pace. OMG A TOUCHDOWN. You kind of got the feeling that that's what it was going to take, didn't you? The interesting thing about that touchdown was that Freeney never actually touched Anderson - he had Thomas so far back on his heels that Thomas backed into him. And things continue to get worse for the Browns. I'm pretty sure no one wants a piece of the Colts right now. (Colts 10, Browns 6)

Hey, who here had the 49ers breaking the "West Coast teams traveling east for 1 p.m. games" losing streak? (49ers 10, Bills 3)

Yeah, that's gonna be overthrown at best. Intercepted? Sure, why not. (Buccaneers 23, Saints 20; Dolphins 16, Rams 12; Panthers 35, Packers 31)

crosses off Chargers (Falcons 22, Chargers 16)

Nobody guaranteed a victory this time, right? No? Good. I'm sure that's not the start Ben wanted. I mean, we've seen this before. What's with the Patriots dropping all these balls? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Man, the Pats are getting beat up here. Teams should just stop covering Gaffney. He won't catch it. I don't understand how Polamalu is ever allowed to blitz untouched. It's not like he's hard to find. WOW Welker just got destroyed. Cassel threw that one right to Timmons. Me, Week 6: "There's a couple more of these coming, Patriots fans." Yeaaaaah. (Steelers 33, Patriots 10)

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass: Chiefs 20, Raiders 13

Johnny: "Thomas Jones scores after the Denver D thought he was down. Hmmmm, where have I seen this before?" Um, about 30 minutes ago? What happened here? Did the Jets show up early, see nobody there, and leave? (Broncos 34, Jets 17)

I don't expect another shootout and neither should you. Then again... Wait, did I hear that right that Hester's off kickoff returns? What's that about? The Bears' goal-line offense looks like the Eagles'. That throw was pretty much perfect. I wonder what getting absolutely owned on national television feels like. Keep Gus away from the wall, guys! I see Orton is doing his best Grossman impression tonight. (Vikings 34, Bears 14)

Welcome to Monday Night Football, Houston Texans. I'd forgotten how disgustingly fast Slaton was. Bigger bust: Chargers or Jaguars? It's close. (Texans 30, Jaguars 17)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (4-9, L2): Anybody ever start in a 98-5 hole after three games before? Anyone? No? Fuck. At least we didn't finish last.

JackSux 5 (6-7, L1): It's over here, too. Damn you Rob and Laveranues Coles. Oh, and John Harbaugh for not playing McGahee at all. WTF.

RANKINGS

1. N.Y. Giants (11-1) - Same as it ever was
2. Tennessee (11-1) - Effectively got two weeks off
3. Pittsburgh (9-3) - Trademark stifling defense comes through again

30. Oakland (3-9) - A fake FG play that ends up with a 265-pound kicker running the ball? That's so Raiders
31. Cincinnati (1-10-1) - Did you know they've scored the fewest points in the league?
32. Detroit (0-12) - On pace to be historically bad

When Black Friday Comes

A sort-of photo essay on New Jersey's mall parking situations on this most treacherous of days:

Moorestown Mall, rear food court entrance

Cherry Hill Mall

Cherry Hill again (They're actually doing construction here, which just made things worse. They're putting a Nordstrom with its own attached two-level parking garage in the middle of the mall complex.)

Deptford Mall, 5 p.m. (the after-work crowd taking up the spots vacated by the all-dayers)

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Now playing: Better Than Ezra - In The Blood
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: On Pin(e)s and Needles

Signal Finder: PHI @ BAL, DEN @ OAK, NYG @ AZ

But first, a few questions. What the hell were Buck and Aikman doing at 49ers-Cowboys? Why'd I get the CBS late game instead of the early one? Was there some sort of convoluted conflict with the Baltimore market? I demand answers.

Butch: Not only were the Lions actually up 17-0, but the Bucs scored 35 straight points after that. Seriously, who is this team beating? (Buccaneers 38, Lions 20)

The Ravens defense is going to be angry after last week. Seriously, you don't think Ray Lewis gave a speech? Not much going on so far. Well, not much different, I should say. DeSean's gotta fight harder to pull that one down. That's a nice leaping grab by Wilcox. Go Quintin! We've been waiting for this - he's come tantalizingly close to breaking one a few times. And that may be the worst pass Donovan's ever thrown. What the what? Kolb? What happened? The announcers are in shock. This... isn't going that much better so far. Did Considine just go the wrong way? What happened there? This isn't a bad drive. Shame Westbrook got tackled at the 2 - I can tell you now how this is gonna end. Aaaand I'm tragically wrong. They put the list up afterwards of the 10 longest plays in NFL history - Reed has two of them. Has the Grey Cup started yet? I'd settle for the MLS Cup (which has started). I hate this team right now. I haven't turned on them, but I hate them. That makes sense, doesn't it? Really, Andy? You didn't tell McNabb you were benching him? That ain't right. (Ravens 36, Eagles 7)

So much for the mystique of Arrowhead. (Bills 54!, Chiefs 31)

Ward didn't make it. Oh, wait, he did. Never mind, then. I'd like to officially submit Edgerrin James as a Ewing Theory candidate. The announcers haven't even mentioned his name. The Giants have that "We'll beat you however the hell we feel like it" thing going on that the Patriots did last year. Hmmm, kickoff coverage seems to be a problem for the Cardinals. Wait, was... was he rowing? That's the worst celebration ever. How does he not catch that onside kick? (What do y'all think of that, by the way? I don't mind it, especially since the Cards hadn't stopped the Giants all day, and I also think the Eagles should've considered it in a similar spot when they played three weeks ago.) I think what we've learned is that the Cardinals, while relatively legitimate, aren't quite there. Hey, what happens if the Giants and the Jets are both the home teams for their respective conference championship games? That's a serious question, by the way. (Giants 37, Cardinals 29)

Zzzzzzzz. The Raiders' goal line offense looks like the Eagles'. Oh, look, a Raider commits a crippling penalty in a crucial spot? That's never happened before. This is the second time in two weeks this Higgins kid has burned somebody on a return. And the floodgates have opened. REVENGE THE TIME IS NOW. Listen, I know it's a rivalry game. But how do you get beat down like that in your house by the Raiders? This may be the worst 6-5 team ever. (Raiders 31, Broncos 10)

Don't look now, but the Colts are getting dangerous. Gonzalez on third down again! Teams might want to start maybe looking to find out where he is on the field or something like that. Y'know, for completists' sake. Well this is interesting, Dungy going for it on 4th and goal here. And it works! Hey, a Jacob Hester sighting. Did he make it? I don't think he made it. You can't call a sneak here, Madden. They need more yards before they can stop the clock again. Yeah, that's what you do. I feel like we've been here before. It's GOOD! OK, maybe we haven't. (Colts 23, Chargers 20)

Yeah, this is about the start I expected too. Lance Moore? Really? I predict the first team to make two consecutive stops will win this game. I can't keep up. And it looks like the Saints are going to get those stops. Sick shoulder block by Rodgers on David to save a touchdown... for the moment, at any rate. The crowd's going crazy for Deuce. What's happened to the Packers' defense? Did the Saints just try to go for two or something? What's that about? (Saints 51, Packers 29)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (4-8, L1): Our goal is to not finish last.

JackSux V (6-6, W1): We're not completely out of it, but we need to win out and get a lot of help.

RANKINGS:

1. N.Y. Giants (10-1) - Have that look about them
2. Tennessee (10-1) - It was bound to happen sometime
3. N.Y .Jets (8-3) - Hottest team in sports right now?

30. St. Louis (2-9) - What do you do now?
31. Cincinnati (1-9-1) - Seriously, Carson, it's not worth it
32. Detroit (0-11) - How about this: Make them play Thanksgiving night so nobody has to watch them

A Few Words, And Then, Time Permitting, A Few More Words

So by now you've all seen the interview after last week's Eagles-Bengals tie where Eagles quarterback Donovan McNabb says he didn't know that the game would end in a tie after one overtime period. The fact that he didn't know that is both unbelievable and completely irrelevant to the actual outcome of the game. And he got killed for saying that, which is somewhat understandable. I mean, yeah, how do you not know that? But it doesn't really matter and is hardly the Crime Against Football And All Of Humanity that we in the media made it out to be. The only thing that worked in McNabb's favor was that it took some of the attention off of how badly he played.

But as far as the overtime rule goes, it's not like Donovan was the only one.

Here's a story from Tuesday where the Steelers' Hines Ward admits he didn't know the overtime rules, either. And the thing about this? That last tie back in 2002? Hines Ward was in it. This story stuns me because I figured somebody would try to write it, but I didn't think anyone else would ever admit to not knowing that rule, especially after all of the heat McNabb took for not knowing it.

But here's the real issue, and it's something I've believed for years: No football organization in the history of America has ever gotten overtime right. And that's all of North America. The NFL, college (which is the worst system ever), high school, the CFL, the XFL, the USFL, the Mexican Desert Sands League, none of them.

Here's what they should do:

1. Coin flip and kickoff to start overtime. None of this "start at the opposing team's 25" business.
2. Play until one team scores.
3. The other team then gets one drive to tie or win the game. The game ends after that drive, regardless of the result.

That's gold, Jerry. GOLD. It doesn't change the way the game is played (which is my biggest problem with the college/HS rules), and it gives both teams an equal opportunity to win the game.

See how smart I am?

I Have GOT To Get Out Of This Business, Part XI

1. People aren't spending money on print advertising any more.



Source: SeekingAlpha.com (Butch found this)

2. One of the nice things about working the sports desk is that I don't often have to deal with bullshit like this:

USDA report details more involvement by Vick

By HANK KURZ Jr., AP Sports Writer
Fri Nov 21, 10:53 pm ET

RICHMOND, Va. – Michael Vick put family pets in rings with pit bulls and thought it was funny watching the trained killers injure or kill the helpless dogs, a witness told federal investigators during the dogfighting investigation that brought Vick down.

In a 17-page report filed Aug. 28, 2008, by case agent James Knorr of the U.S. Department of Agriculture and released Friday under the Freedom of Information Act, a person identified as confidential witness No. 1 said Vick placed pets in the ring against pit bulls owned by "Bad Newz Kennels" at least twice and watched as the pit bulls "caused major injuries."

I think this is the first time I've ever written a headline and needed to shower immediately afterwards.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 11: Beat The Clock

GUNSLINGER. This may be the Jets' biggest win since the merger. It's at least top 5. (Jets 34, Patriots 31, OT)

Signal Finder: PHI @ CIN, BAL @ NYG, DEN @ ATL (end), HOU @ IND (end), SD @ PIT

Oh, Sage. Will you ever stop sucking? (Colts 33, Texans 27)

Wow, the Ravens' defense just got gashed big-time. 20-0 before anything happens? So much for stopping the run. Where's Jacobs been since then? That's an unfortunate bounce. The more I watch the Giants the more unfathomable that loss to Cleveland seems. And what's getting overlooked somewhat is how maligned that offensive line was only two or three seasons ago. (Giants 30, Ravens 10)

And Donovan's starting erratically again. Wow. Haven't seen that in a while. The Bengals' goal line offense looks like the Eagles'. McNabb's throws have nothing on them. There's no zip, no height, nothing. Meanwhile, Fitzpatrick's getting pounded and the Great Ocho Cinco Freezeout Of 2008 continues. Seriously, why does Reid keep calling pass plays when the only guys worth a damn on the Bengals' defense are the two corners? Wait, whoa! What? That hit on Chatman didn't look that bad - Mikell just stood him straight up. Okay, this is really bad. And it just got worse. Good thing it's the Bengals. T.J. started out returning punts for them, right? Really? They've been that bad on third downs? Wow, the Eagles made a fourth-and-short. Stop the presses. And the field goal's the right move here - you have to get points. The Eagles should be coming after this punt, and yes, I know how bad the Bengals' offense has been today. Are you kidding me with overtime? And what's with the Eagles getting all these penalties all of a sudden? This game's gonna end in a tie (6:45 left) because the offenses haven't gotten any better. Fourth and 1 from their own 22. The Eagles should probably go for it, but they're not going to make it - they haven't made it all year - and when they don't make it, they're going to lose because the Bengals' field goal team is coming right out. Now it's the Bengals who should be trying to block this punt. Yeah, that was not roughing the passer. And some more questionable play calling as they decide to run the ball on 3rd down with a crappy RB instead of a quick pass to get closer. Oh. My. God. I know it's 47 yards but that guy's good. Seriously, that's such a Bengals way to... not win. (Interestingly, this happened 11 years to the day of the last Eagles tie.) I'd like to officially apologize to everyone who got sent to this game after their Fox game ended. Kenny Albert: "Nobody knows how to react!" This should never have happened. (Eagles 13, Bengals 13, OT)

Spencer Larsen is a man among men. Was it really that smart to do the 10th anniversary of the Super Bowl team with the team that beat them in the building? (Broncos 24, Falcons 20)

Wow. Maybe the Rams really were that bad. (49ers 35, Rams 16)

Is that snow? There's no way he caught that. Actually, wait. Wow. That is an interception to end all interceptions. Get rid of the football, Philip. Seriously. So much for the snow being a factor. It's already gone. If this game ends 8-7 I will laugh and laugh. Seriously, here was your scoring progression: 7-0, 7-2, 7-5, 8-7, 10-8, 11-10. I blame Norv. What is this foolishness now? What? Does it count or doesn't it? Amazingly, I'm still not sure. (Steelers 11, Chargers 10)

All blessings to the mighty Saint Anthony. Go 'Skins! One wonders how this new funky delivery's going to help Romo's ball control. Of course, he can make it easy on himself by just handing off to Barber 70 times. The Redskins are really locking in on T.O. Oops. Welcome to D.C., DeAngelo. Not much going on so far. Ouch. Owens got drilled and that's an unfortunate bounce. And here's Madden to disagree strongly with another replay decision. I'm not convinced Darcy Johnson and Martellus Bennett aren't the same person. Guess we'll have to hold off on those epitaphs. Damn it. (Cowboys 14, Redskins 10)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Shayne Graham; 2. Donovan McNabb; 3. Rian Lindell; 4. Any officials working a Charger game; 5. Chris Perry.

Paging J.P. Losman. And the Browns are so bad they only got six points off of three first-quarter interceptions. Take some notes: when your quarterback's thrown three interceptions, the handoff is probably the best play to call for a while. And it's working, as Edwards has definitely settled down. That's a long run. Who is Jerome Harrison? Who are these people? Bills special teams! Did that pick get overturned or something? It must've. Fifty-six! Well, all right then. crosses off Bills (Browns 29, Bills 27)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (4-7, W1): We beat Ska's team. Ska's 2-9 team. Big whoop.

JackSux 5 (5-6, L3): Lee Evans can't catch one pass against the Browns? Really? Really? crosses off Seagulls

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. N.Y. Giants (9-1) - Reporter: "What's it like getting tackled by Ray Lewis?" Brandon Jacobs: "I wouldn't know."
2. Tennessee (10-0) - crosses off Jaguars
3. Carolina (8-2) - Sneaky good

BOTTOM 3:
30. St. Louis (2-8) - So much for the renaissance
31. Cincinnati (1-8-1) - At least they haven't given up?
32. Detroit (0-10) - Can't even win a catfight

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Now playing: Clash, The - London Calling
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10: Locked Down

Signal Finder: BUF @ NE, STL @ NYJ, TEN @ CHI (end), SEA @ MIA (end), NO @ ATL (end), IND @ PIT, KC @ SD (end)

I'm sorry, was Scott Linehan re-hired? I'm shocked to learn that Favre hasn't broken 200 yards passing. I'm even more shocked that FOX is still showing this game. Seriously, how did we see the end of this game? (Jets 47, Rams 3)

This last drive by the Seahawks... man. I think this is why Holmgren's retiring. He's slipping. This is some awful play-calling. Did they throw to the sideline once? (Dolphins 21, Seahawks 19)

And this is the time of the game where Rex is 50-50 to throw a crippling interception. Well, a couple of bad incompletions will do, I suppose. (Titans 21, Bears 14)

Am I the only one wondering if Belichick's thinking to himself, "See that? I can still coach, you sons of bitches." (Patriots 20, Bills 10)

Brees looked furious after that interception return. (Falcons 34, Saints 20)

Oh, Ben is playing. Nice spin move by Wayne after the tip. That's a bad pass by Ben. In fact, why even throw at all in that situation? Seriously, Peyton is carrying this offense. They can't run the ball at all. That's also a bad pass by Ben. A penalty followed by a sack? Really? You're not winning this one, Steelers. This ending looks... familiar. (Colts 24, Steelers 20)

Wow, the Chargers potentially got hosed on that pass interference call. How did Gonzalez catch that?! I swear I've seen more quarterbacks throw into double and triple coverage this year than I can remember. You PLAY to WIN the GAME! I agree with going for two there, by the way. You're already 1-7 and going nowhere this year and probably next. What else do you have to lose? (Chargers 20, Chiefs 19)

Dan Patrick: "You had to really love football to watch this game." (Panthers 17, Raiders 6)

The Eagles being favored by 3 here may be the most puzzling line of all time. A Feeley jersey? They couldn't mock up a No. 35 for Hamels? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Why is Jacobs trying to hurdle people? Big man doesn't need to be doing that. This really is a copycat league, though I can't see Coughlin ever adopting the Wildcat formation. Donovan getting his legs back in the last month is kind of a weird development. The VP-elect in the house! Can we stop Jacobs one time? Actual AP Line: "Baskett's reception on a fade pass was his second biggest catch this week." I keep looking up and the Giants always seem to have the ball. Wait, what? You're telling me Eli didn't cross the line of scrimmage? I don't buy it and neither does Madden. See, the ball's still in his hand, though, is what I'm seeing. Ah, so Ward is "Wind" and Bradshaw is "Fire". Glad we got that resolved. Hmmm. You know whose name we haven't heard all night is Brian Westbrook, and that's a bad sign. If you're the Eagles, do you consider an onside kick here? Why are they just standing there? (You don't call time out until you're across midfield, but still.) Is this the Super Bowl again? How do you not have another play called already? Geez. (Giants 36, Eagles 31)

I wonder what the thought process behind putting this game on Monday night was. That's an inauspicious beginning. I don't know who any of these people are. Hey, how about covering Boldin? Is Edge still on the Cardinals? I haven't seen him at all tonight. I'm still wondering what the Cardinals are gonna do to piss this one away. Oh, never mind. Worse quarterback: Shaun Hill or Sage Rosenfels? Seriously, there wasn't a 49er within 15 yards of where that ball went. (I got two words for Niners management: Byron. Leftwich.) Some dreadful attempts at tackling by the Cardinals here. I can't even call it tackling. Oh my God. First and goal from the 2? After all that? I guess this is our answer. This would be such a Cardinals way to lose. Wait, what are they reviewing? Oh, the spot, I guess. THEY HELD! THEY HELD! Welcome to a new and glorious age. (Cardinals 29, 49ers 24)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (3-6, L2): So check out how bad my season's going. I agree to a trade with Bob on Tuesday: Delhomme and Fitzgerald for Cutler, Chambers and Breaston. And it doesn't get processed until MONDAY. So I lose out on the 30+ points Cutler got against the Browns and get stuck with Delhomme's -0.9 effort against the Raiders. (Seriously, Russell outscored him from the sideline of the REAL GAME.) crosses off Seagulls

JackSux (5-5, L2): A bad loss at a bad time, as I get annihilated by Johnny. How does Coles get 1.90 points in a game where the Jets score 47?

RANKINGS:
1. (tie) N.Y. Giants (8-1) - As their games get uglier, they seem to be more effective
(tie) Tennessee (9-0) - Raiders fans everywhere are wondering, "Where the hell was this Kerry Collins four years ago?"
3. New England (6-3) - It's ALIIIIIIIIIIIIIVEEEEEEEEE

30. Oakland (2-7) - Maybe things can get worse
31. Cincinnati (1-8) - A joke searching for a punchline
32. Detroit (0-9) - Seriously... who are they beating?

By the Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: Exercise Your Right

Signal Finder: GB @ TEN, NYJ @ BUF, PHI @ SEA

The Bengals' remaining opponents just breathed a huge sigh of relief. Actual AP Line: "At 1-8, the Bengals are no longer on pace to be historically bad." (Bengals 21, Jaguars 19)

Who ARE these guys? Nice Favre impression by Edwards. There's three Jets over there. Looks like Lynch lost his load running down the interception. Those 27 plays the Bills went without getting any points were pretty impressive. Think about that. They had the ball for a quarter and didn't score at all. GUNSLINGER. See, that's how you grind out a drive. I feel like the Jets got lucky here, which is saying something since they never win in Buffalo. (Jets 26, Bills 17)

Did we really have two non-quarterbacks throw touchdown passes in the same game? That's never happened before, right? I feel like this got under-reported. (Buccaneers 30, Chiefs 27, OT)

Bironas and Crosby have gotta be getting tired. "This is not Chris Johnson!" And neither side really gave too many inches apart from that big run by White. The thing about the Titans is, their passing game's probably their biggest weakness, but the way they play, we'll never find out for sure. CLANG! I've always wondered how frustrating it is to be an offensive player stuck on the bench in overtime. And Fox is forced to cut away at the worst possible moment (because Bironas has already clanged one off the upright, so this wasn't a lock by any means). Can't you do a split-screen or a little PiP action? Something? (Titans 19, Packers 16, OT)

ESPN Radio: "If you've never seen an NFL quarterback throw a changeup, there you go." This sounded like a massacre. Was it even that close? (Giants 35, Cowboys 14)

Seriously, how do you get fooled that badly on a fake on the first play you see? Not only is Donovan misfiring, but the play selection's been awful. Run the ball one time for the love of God. Of course, after that first play, the Seahawks haven't done any better. Are you kidding me with that? Double coverage? I almost burned my fries after that. Isn't this how we started last week, only less ridiculous? Man, the Seahawks are just getting stifled now. Hey, that's how the Texas Tech game ended. This is how we started last week. Ah, the tackle-eligible. It NEVER gets old. Brent Celek's playing BIG. Seriously, I think the Seahawks have had two big plays since that first score. You know what I'm noticing is that the Eagles seem to be knocking down a lot of passes, which is unusual for them. I don't know if that's been a problem with Seneca in the past or not. Now, about that goal line offense... (Eagles 26, Seahawks 7)

It's just not the same without Brady, man. The Colts are done if they lose tonight; let's put that out there right now. Have the Patriots had the ball yet? Harrison's returning punts? Wow. Gonzalez has been all over the place, or at least as much as you can be in a game like this. This isn't the first time Jabar Gaffney's dropped a gift touchdown against the Colts. I'm gonna have to go against Belichick on that one; I think he outsmarted himself. 52! GOOD! Why are the Patriots out of time outs? What an odd score. This was, like, the third-fastest game ever. (Colts 18, Patriots 15)

The Redskins have never worn all-burgundy before? Odd. What the hell was that? When you do that, it's not supposed to go straight forward. And the Redskins have six points without a first down. Is this the Eagles game again? Ooh, a blocked punt. That may be just what the Steelers needed given the way the defenses have clamped down so far. Byron Leftwich lives! And there's Nate Washington again. So much for Campbell's interception-less streak. Polamalu immediately signaled for Tomlin to throw the challenge flag. Like, before the play actually ended. Yeah, that's not even close. How do you not go to Portis there? We haven't heard his name all night, by the way. (Steelers 23, Redskins 6)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (3-6, L2): Worst. Performance. EVER. Seriously, this was a futility record and I don't even have to check it. 29.23 points. "High"lights: Backup JaMarcus Russell: -3.3. Selvin Young: Inactive. The Bears' defense: Lost about 15 points due to their mid-game meltdown against the Lions, of all teams. CHANGE IS COMING.

JackSux 5 (5-4, L1): This wasn't much better, to be honest. McGahee didn't play. Todd Heap might as well not have played. And I was against Kurt Warner.

RANKINGS
1. N.Y. Giants (7-1) - The total package
2. Tennessee (8-0) - Who's scoring on them? Seriously
3. Pittsburgh (6-2) - Ben's status pending, of course

30. Oakland (2-6) - They almost can't get worse, and yet...
31. Cincinnati (1-8) - It's not a good sign when "merely dreadful" is an improvement
32. Detroit (0-8) - What the hell question was asked that Daunte Culpepper could have possibly answered "Yes" to? Besides "Would you like a job?" obviously.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: You Lose, You Snooze

Signal Finder: ATL @ PHI, NYG @ PIT, CLE @ JAX

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Redskins 25, Lions 17

Welcome back, Brian. Now if you can get McNabb's accuracy back, that'd be a plus. Why is Ryan throwing into triple coverage? Oh. Mike Smith looks like Jeffrey Lurie. Hey, a quarterback sneak! This game has flowed the exact opposite way of every other Eagles game this season. You know who's good is Roddy White. And the goal-line struggles continue. Take the points! That's not a muff ZOMG THEY'RE OUT OF TIME OUTS AND CAN'T CHALLENGE. That's kind of a raw deal. (Eagles 27, Falcons 14)

How'd Smith stay inbounds? This is why you just can't believe in the Cardinals. (Panthers 27, Cardinals 23)

The NFL might have to rethink this London thing because everyone keeps finding things to complain about. Though there's no reason to take a home game away from the Saints, of all teams. (Saints 37, Chargers 32)

Ah, so that thing about the Browns playing in plastic bubbles for the rest of the year was a vicious rumor. I see. Rogers is all over the place and the defense actually looks quality. I'm not sure I see it flipping around, though. (Browns 23, Jaguars 17)

I don't know why Coughlin's challenging this. Jacobs didn't make it. And even if he did, there's absolutely no way to tell that he did. Ben's getting beat up again. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. You remember what I said about Nate Washington last week, right? FYI, it's not yet been determined which of Ward or Bradshaw is "Wind" and "Fire". So I come back from the bathroom and it's... tied at 14? Long snap, indeed. Seriously, that ball was at about the 20-yard line. I don't know how much the Steelers' defense has left. Did Plaxico not get booed off the field? I'm disappointed. (Giants 21, Steelers 14)

The Colts cannot stop this running game. I mean, it's not like they're not trying. Still, they're ahead because their defense has risen up when it's counted - well, until White broke that one off. Ah, geez, Peyton's having flashbacks. How'd they get from 17 to 31 so fast? Is it too early to cross off the Colts? Because they've got... issues. (Titans 31, Colts 21)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (3-5, L1): It's getting dire, friends.

JackSux 5 (5-3, W1): The league this year sets up nicely with eight teams so that everyone ends up playing twice. The second half begins with another win over Rob's little brother. Now to find a quarterback for next week...

RANKINGS
1. N.Y. Giants (6-1) - That was ugly
2. Tennesse (7-0) - That was gritty
3. Pittsburgh (5-2) - That was unfortunate

30. Kansas City (1-6) - Can't afford to give away games
31. Detroit (0-7) - Seriously, what's the point?
32. Cincinnati (0-8) - Stay away, Carson! You've got your whole life ahead of you!

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: Are You Ready For Some... Baseball?

Signal Finder: PIT @ CIN, SF @ NYG, NYJ @ OAK

Cedric Benson's starting? HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. What a sorry state of affairs. Holy crap, Ward just punked that guy. Seems like every time you see Nate Washington he's catching a 40-plus-yard pass. Ah, that's more like it. (Steelers 38, Bengals 10)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Giants 29, 49ers 17

Admit it. You thought Brad Johnson was dead. Here's the thing: I still don't think Jim Haslett's a very good head coach, but the Rams should not have been as bad as they were the first month of the season. Jackson is shredding this defense. I wonder who regrets more the events that allowed him to end up with the Rams: the Cowboys (who traded down out of what everybody figured was his spot and went on to draft Julius Jones later) or the Bills (who traded up into this spot to take... J.P. Losman)? (Rams 34, Cowboys 14)

These two teams aren't supposed to play a game that ends up with this score. (Bears 48, Vikings 41)

Jets-Raiders, Channel 3? Really? Really? Favre is getting pounded. Ah, same old Raiders. There are flags all over this field. Sebastian Janikowski: still shaky after all these years. How many chances are the Jets gonna squander here? Favre hasn't thrown deep at all today, for one thing. Sweet Jebus, this game is horrible. You know what's strange? The stats say Thomas Jones rushed for 159 yards, but I don't remember seeing him once. I think at one point I actually wondered if he'd gotten hurt. Jay Feely from 52? I got doubts about this one. DINK. What. Are you kidding me. And he makes the re-kick. That'd be such a Raiders way to lose. Or tie. YOU'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME. Of course, he'll make this one. Told ya. (Raiders 16, Jets 13, OT)

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Seriously, you know why Madden took this week off? Because he knew this game would suck. (Buccaneers 20, Seahawks 10)

That's quite the inauspicious start. You can see Cutler looking down at his hand like something's wrong. Looks like taking Pittman out was a bad move. Did he just fumble again? I can't figure out how a defense with this many good players on it can be so bad. Moss's attempt at a Lambeau Leap was... lacking. Seriously, this is a beatdown. Patrick Ramsey lives! The human leg's not supposed to bend like that. Who can figure out either of these teams. If I'm the Broncos, I sign this guy immediately. (Patriots 41, Broncos 7)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (3-4, W1): Oh, look, I beat Charlie again, mostly because the Bears' defense and special teams went off.

JackSux 5 (4-3, L2): Great Cowboys debut, Roy Williams. I should cut him out of spite. Or on general principle. Willis McGahee sitting on my bench because I still thought he was 50/50 didn't help either.

RANKINGS
1. N.Y. Giants (5-1) - It was ugly, but so what?
2. Tennessee (6-0) - The tests are coming
3. Pittsburgh (5-1) - Who needs a first- or second-string running back, anyway?

30. Kansas City (1-5) - Len Dawson is two phone calls away
31. Detroit (0-6) - Does anyone care anymore?
32. Cincinnati (0-7) - In the stormy sea that is this NFL season, the Bengals sucking is like a lighthouse

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Now playing: Fabulous Thunderbirds, The - Wrap It Up
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: Don't Leave Just Yet

Signal Finder: BAL @ IND (first half), STL @ WSH, CIN @ NYJ (second half), MIA @ HOU (end), PHI @ SF, DAL @ AZ (end)

Dan Orlovsky's (Close To) Actual Quote: "When the whistle blew, I thought, 'Did we false start? Were they offsides? Man, I'm an idiot.'" (Vikings 12, Lions 10)

I'm not sold on the Redskins' game plan so far - they should be bum-rushing the Rams' awful secondary. Plus they look a little sluggish. JUST FALL ON IT. That's the first thing that's gone right all year for the Rams. "Incognito", huh? That's a wildly inappropriate name right now. He probably just cost them the game. Or not. Lord knows I've been wrong before. (Rams 19, Redskins 17)

Wow, Schaub walked in untouched. Kubiak learned that play from Shanahan. Why are they going for two here? There's not enough time for the Dolphins to stop the clock and kick a field goal. (Texans 29, Dolphins 28)

Yeah, this is exactly why I hate the squib kick. Are the Falcons really 4-2? (Falcons 22, Bears 20)

Cross-country trip after a bad loss for a game they always lose - you can understand my trepidation. "Strikeability?" That's a new one to alert to Simmons, I think. Nolan's jacket looks too big. Allen Rossum! Hey, I remember you. stop doing that. "Splashability?" Tim Ryan's making this up as he goes along, isn't he? The double pitch? That's one I've never seen before. If Jackson goes left, he's in. Oh, no. What do you wanna call that one, Ryan? "Missedblockability?" This is where it all goes south. Or maybe not, as McNabb's trying his best to rally the troops. You know who's been good today is Buckhalter. The hell are they challenging that for? You'd almost think Mike Martz was invol... oh, wait. Juqua Parker! With SPEED! I still don't know how this happened. (Eagles 40, 49ers 26)

I know, "letter of the law" and all that, but it seems kind of harsh to call offsides when the guy's clearly hurt. Yeah, it's five more yards. Don't you people know that? BLOCKED! WHAT?! Wow. This would be such a Cardinals way for them to lose. BLOCKED! WHAT?! Wow. That was such a Cardinals way for them to lose. And yet... (Cardinals 30, Cowboys 24, OT)

Think the Chargers watched Ravens-Colts and said, "Hey, let's do that to... Deltha O'Neal?" I wonder what vengeance tastes like. Probably pepper bacon. Mmmmm. There's a couple more of these coming, Patriots fans. (Chargers 30, Patriots 10)

Odds of a Brady Quinn sighting tonight? 3:1? Jamal Lewis is still getting it done. Is this Old Eli resurfacing? I'm not sure it matters as I don't thin the Browns can hold the giants down all night. Unless that keeps happening. This is Old Eli resurfacing. Wow. That's Dawg Pound Pride right there. (Browns 35, Giants 14)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (2-4, L1): Got nothing from anyone. NEXT.

JackSux (4-2, L1): Losing to Rob is never fun.

RANKINGS:

1. N.Y. Giants (4-1) - Man, I don't know. Seriously. I have no idea
2. Tennessee (5-0) - Yes, I'm pulling an Alabama in them
3. Pittsburgh (4-1) - Same here

30. St. Louis (1-4) - They tried their damnedest to lose
31. Cincinnati (0-6) - Gah
32. Detroit (0-5) - Are unaware of the dimensions of the field

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Points of Comparison

Signal Finder: WSH @ PHI, PHI @ MIL, CIN @ DAL

Mike and Mike floated the idea Monday morning that the start times for games on the East Coast where a West Coast team is visiting should be pushed back to 4 because the visiting team's gotten slaughtered every tine it's happened so far. I don't know if there's anything to that, but I don't know how else you explain this. (Dolphins 17, Chargers 10)

Snap. Crackle. Pop. (That's for the Rollins HR.) What a sweet drive. And that's why they drafted the kid. Though the refs never pick up the flag on a block in the back on a return (which happens ALL THE TIME), so that was kind of strange. I feel like Buck's going to be a step behind the seemingly random Phillies-related cheering all day. While the Eagles' idea of shutting down Santana has merit, they're doing it at the expense of everything else. Seriously, Portis can't be stopped right now. The Randle El touchdown pass was pretty much perfectly executed. Man, the Eagles are just getting pushed around. Lay a hand on a guy, something. Wait, how can there be a late hit out of bounds on a guy when he's already got him by the face mask? The officiating in this game has been strange. I'm not saying 'bad', I'm saying 'strange'. What was that? The play clock freezes, the refs restart it, Reid apparently sends in an audible to McNabb, and they end up losing three yards? The Eagles are becoming last year's Redskins. (Hey, anybody out there watch Poker After Dark? Did you see last week with the amateur Featherstone's dream table? His play last week was pretty much how the Eagles played: a good start (flopping the straight against Hellmuth's two pair), a whole lot of nothing after that (his card deadness), a missed opportunity late (the 77 hand), and then a failed last gasp (getting outdrawn by Gavin at the end).) We also learned that the Redskins are better than a lot of people thought, myself included. The rain better end in Chicago soon because Bengals-Cowboys is going to suck long and hard. (Redskins 23, Eagles 17; Phillies 6, Brewers 2)

So if the Eagles are last year's Redskins, are the Giants last year's Patriots? (Giants 44, Seahawks 6)

And the Lions... well, they're definitely last year's Lions. (Bears 34, Lions 7)

You gotta slide. YOU GOTTA SLIDE! PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Dear God. I expect a screencap of Rosenfels getting helicoptered and fumbling to be a new FAIL picture meme within 10 days. (Colts 31, Texans 27)

Hey, Carson's back. Is it 17-0 yet? Well, it's close. What's going on with the Cowboys' offense? ONSIDE KICK~! Yep, just as I thought... Chris Perry sucks. I can't believe the Bengals are still in this game. Seriously, the Cowboys can't get anything going. I guess since the Bengals are freezing Ocho Cinco out they figured Dallas wouldn't expect them to go to Utecht, but that was still odd. I'm pretty sure either Crayton or Austin wasn't supposed to be there. T.O.: "God used me today for His glory." What? You caught two passes and almost got beat by the Bengals! I'm pretty sure God's better than that. (Cowboys 31, Bengals 22)

Did Heath Shuler win that Congressional seat? I don't remember. Brees never saw Winfield coming and he shouldn't have gotten close to him anyway. How do you miss that facemask call? How do you punt to Bush again after what happened earlier? Pass interference when you've got the guy doubled? That's a new one. Not the ending I was expecting. (Vikings 30, Saints 27)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (2-3, W2): Anquan Boldin breaking his face means more opportunities for Larry Fitzgerald, and combined with Chris Cooley faking everybody out, that equals another win for me.

JackSux V (4-1, W1): See, here's the thing about fantasy football: Portis running wild ticked me off as an Eagles fan, but he also helped get me my highest point total of the year.

RANKINGS

1. N.Y. Giants (4-0) - I feel like I'm on an island here
2. Tennessee (5-0) - Who saw THIS coming?
3. Washington (4-1) - Campbell getting better and better
(tie) Pittsburgh (4-1) - That was a revenge-fueled gut check

30. Cincinnati (0-5) - Yeah, Chris Henry'll help matters
31. Detroit (0-4) - I feel like the Lions should be contracted
32. St. Louis (0-4) - Blah

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: A Real Cool Hand

Signal Finder: CLE @ CIN; GB @ TB; FLA @ NYM; DEN @ KC (end); WSH @ DAL

I don't have kids - and maybe that's the reason for what I'm about to say - and I can't imagine how Matt Bryant's doing this. This game's had a ridiculous number of swings. Wait, Flynn's in? I thought Brohm was the main backup. Not that it matters since none of the Packers' QBs have played more than eight games, but Flynn popping up there was not something anyone expected. (Buccaneers 30, Packers 21)

Um, when people thought they might see a quarterback change in this game, I doubt they were figuring it'd be the Bengals. Man. This game is terrible. I mean, it's really bad. OMG Chad scored a touchdown! He should have about four against this bunch. They've gotta be freezing him out. It's the only explanation. (Browns 20, Bengals 12)

I guarantee this wouldn't have happened if Elway wasn't marrying an ex-Raiders cheerleader. There should be a hole in space-time because of that, right? (Chiefs 33, Broncos 19)

I don't understand how Schoeneweis was allowed to park at the stadium, much less pitch in the eighth inning, especially to a guy who comes off the Marlins' bench seemingly for the sole purpose of hitting home runs. I don't know what the Shea Stadium equivalent of slicing rolls at Tony Luke's (which is what I'm convinced the Phillies had Adam Eaton doing last September) is, but he should have been doing that. (Marlins 4, Mets 2)

PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I'M SERIOUS. This is how it's ended everywhere else for Warner. Meanwhile, Favre can't be stopped, and the Cardinals just got pwned on that play fake that the Jets went to Coles on. GUNSLINGER. Thirty-four points in one quarter? Are you kidding me?! This Cardinals rally is nice but it'd help if they, y'know, had more time. Also getting a stop might be a good thing to try, too. cringes Boldin might be lucky to be alive after that. The 34 is more impressive than the 56. Discuss. (Jets 56, Cardinals 35)

"Sorry, Lane. I'm just doing my job. You gotta appreciate that." "Nah - calling it your job don't make it right, Boss." (Chargers 28, Raiders 18)

I like that Aikman and I are of the same mind about the squib kick. Newman is getting used and abused here. Can you even fair-catch a kickoff? And why would you? And now we're back to the end of last year with the Cowboys where they inexplicably couldn't run the ball at all. Uh-oh. Here come the Redskins. "I was rooting for you all along, Butch." "Well, thank you, Flatnose. That's what sustained me in my time of trouble." (Redskins 26, Cowboys 24)

I don't know... I thought Olsen had it and it wasn't even all that close. Anyone think the touchdown play was designed so that DeSeasn would end up in the back of the end zone? I gotta say, Orton's been making good throws. I still maintain he can be successful in this league and should've been starting all along. I'm beginning to worry about Akers. The last three games the Eagles have given up a score in the last two minutes of the first half and I feel like that's why some other things have been happening. This is the bad night for DeSean that we all figured was going to happen at some point. He hasn't been the same since that muffed punt. What's with all these red-zone flameouts tonight? Is it last year again? I agree with going for it there. The play call... that I'm not sold on. On the other side, the Bears finally hold late in the game, which can only help their psyche. This is the second year in a row this result should've gone the other way. (Bears 24, Eagles 20)

Well, that'll surely blunt some of the blood hatred that this matchup always envokes. You forget sometimes what a violent game this is, and then you see that and Boldin the day before and you also start to realize that this has been happening a lot lately. Man, Ben's having flashbacks. Who is Carey Davis? Flacco's doing a few things. Wow. The Steelers have looked awful. Are those boos? One of the great things about sports is how situations can change lightning-fast. Flacco never realized the rush was coming - that's the first mistake he's made. McLain just bulldozed that poor guy, whoever that was. This was one heck of an escape job. (Steelers 23, Ravens 20, OT)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (1-3, W1): Finally! Of course, I had to sweat out MNF and the worst team Sven's ever had, but another big game from Larry Johnson and a Herculean effort from Delhomme gets the Seagulls their first win. Ocho Cinco's still going to the bench, though. Sidenote: The guy who had Favre didn't start him.

JackSux VI (3-1, W1): The opposite story here, as I handed Charlie his first loss of the season behnd Coles' massive game and another big passing day from Drew Brees.

RANKINGS

1. N.Y. Giants (3-0) - Plaxico situation bears watching
2. Dallas (3-1) - Is the T.O. bomb about to go off?
3. Buffalo (4-0) - Why the heck not?

30. Oakland (1-3) - At this point, I feel like it's just the fact that Lane Kiffin's not old enough to know better... and I kind of admire that
31. Cincinnati (0-4) - Yep, the bad old days are back
32. St. Louis (0-4) - So they fire the head coach one week after he benches the starting quarterback... and elevate the guy who's running the defense that's given up 147 points

They're Getting Ballsy

I guess the fact that there's someone new on the Interwebs every single day keeps these scams going.  But it takes a special kind of degenerate to put this particular twist on it:

Wed, 17 Sep 2008 12:46 PM ( 1 week 3 days ago )
From "Mrs. Suha Arafat" [Add]
To undisclosed-recipients: ;
Subject Investment Programme

Dear Friend, 

This mail may not be surprising to you if you have been following current events in the international media with reference to the Middle East and Palestine in particular. I'm Mrs. SUHA ARAFAT, the wife of YASSER ARAFAT, the Palestinian leader who died some years ago in Paris. I'm contacting you for investment purposes in real estate in your country. You must have heard over the media reports or the Internet on the discovery of some fund in my husband secret bank account/ companies and the allegations of some huge sum of money deposited by my husband in my name of which I have refused to disclose or give up to the Palestine Government. In fact the total sum allegedly discovered by the Government so far is in the tune of about $6.5 Billion Dollars, they are not relenting on their effort to make me poor for life hence my desire for an assistance. You can visit the BBC news broadcast below for better understanding of what I am talking about; http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/3995769.stm http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/middle_east/3479937.stm 

I personally deposited the sum of US$20 million dollars with a security firm in Europe whose name is withheld for now until we open communication. I shall be grateful if you could receive this fund into your bank account for safe keeping and Investment into real estates or any viable investment. This arrangement is known to you and my personal Attorney. He might be dealing with you directly for security reasons as the case may be. In view of the above, if you are willing to assist for our mutual benefits, we will have to negotiate on your Percentage share of the $20,000,000 that will be kept in your possession for a while and invested in your name for my trust pending when my Daughter, Zahwa, will come off age and take full responsibility of her Family Estate/inheritance. 

I will greatly appreciate if you accept my proposal in good faith. Please include your tel, numbers to expedite action. Kindly reply through (arafatsuha26@yahoo.com.co) 

Yours sincerely, 

Mrs. Suha Arafat

Note that the first paragraph - particularly the part about the money transfers - is true.  Hoo boy.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: The Big Bum Rush

Signal Finder: CIN @ NYG, ARZ @ WSH, TB @ CHI (end of regulation), PIT @ PHI

Good Lord. This may be the greatest day in Dolphins history since the last time they beat the Patriots. (Dolphins 38, Patriots 13)

I find it interesting that the announcers are still calling him 'Johnson.' Oh, wait, Gumbel referenced it, at least. Is Carson's nose broken again? Maybe, since he's been sacked six times. What about Pierce jumping offsides after realizing that the Giants only had 10 guys on the field? CHICANERY! Did that get deflected? OMG a touchdown pass from the Bengals! And the defense gives half of it back. Seriously. Is Carson freezing Chad out? Seemingly every pass in the fourth quarter has gone to T.J. This is the offense we're used to. Overtime! Can we get a better look at that sideline? No? OK. (Giants 26, Bengals 23)

So if Brian Griese threw 67 passes, that means the Bucs lost, right? Right? What? (Buccaneers 27, Bears 24, OT)

Usually when somebody steps on someone else's foot, it's the step-ee that takes the worst of it, not the stepper. Ben is getting killed out there. Where was this last week? Seems to me like Buckhalter's done that before. That exact move, even. Eagles fans will spend all year wondering "Is this it?" whenever anything happens to McNabb. Seriously, where was this last week? They're probably 3-0 if they get to Romo a couple times. These have been some unfortunate, if correct, replay reviews. The Steelers have been absolutely stifled. That's a clutch punt. It shouldn't have been called grounding because his knee was down in the end zone. The result's correct, but there's semantics involved. Why is Tomlin going for it? They're gonna have to kick a field goal at some point, and Reed's one of the better ones... odd. This is the third week in a row I've watched the Eagles and said afterwards, "Well. Wasn't expecting THAT." And I'm not sure what that means. (Eagles 15, Steelers 6)

I'm incredibly frightened right now. (Cowboys 27, Packers 9)

PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. And learn to snap it while you're at it. AGAIN I SAY. And Cromartie should've had that one. How does he not bring that in? Lookit Jammer run. That one wasn't really Favre's fault - Cromartie made a great play to take it away there. There is a fairly large hole in the Chargers' kickoff coverage. That's gotta be one of the worst feelings in the world, to take it back that far and not make it. How much defense is actually being played? OK, THAT one you can put on Favre. Sproles just takes off like a rocket. Man, it's hard to argue against the Jets going for it there even though it didn't work. Uh-oh. They're rallying. (Sort of.) Blowing this one buries the Chargers, right? Well, that'll help. But here come the Jets right back. Again, holes in the kickoff coverage. Not enough time for it to happen now. Another flag? I think you can call a run now, Mangini. You're at the half-yard line for crying out loud. Seriously, is this some kind of record? AND WHY ARE THEY STILL IN THE SHOTGUN? And then they don't even get it. Serves 'em right. What a baffling sequence. This was the Chargers saying "We don't really think the 1-3 trick is going to work two years in a row." (Chargers 48, Jets 29)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (0-3, L3): This team is in shambles. My quarterbacks stink, my receivers stink, even my defenses are crap. At least Larry Johnson's not dead.

JackSux (2-1, L1): Johnny tore me to shreds. Or, rather, my own instincts tore me to shreds. I left 70 points on the bench in Brees (WTF Broncos, I thought your defense was good), Addai and McGahee (who wasn't even supposed to play this week). Rivers tried his hardest to rally the troops by himself on Monday night, though.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. Dallas (3-0) - They may have flaws, but they haven't been exploited optimally yet
2. N.Y. Giants (3-0) - Still the forgotten champions
3. Denver (3-0) - Cutler's breaking out in a big-time way

BOTTOM 3:
30. Detroit (0-3) - Junior Ford: "I'd fire Millen, but Dad won't let me."
31. Kansas City (0-3) - Does Tyler Thigpen even know who he is?
32. St. Louis (0-3) - What in the blue hell is going on here?

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: A Giant Spanner In The Works

Signal Finder: IND @ MIN, NYG @ STL, NE @ NYJ, SD @ DEN (end)

This is horrific. Seriously, I'm not sure the Rams secondary could cover us. Nice job by Holt to outfight Phillips for the touchdown and make things interesting, if only for a few minutes. (Giants 41, Rams 13)

Peterson's shredding the Colts right now. Not that it matters because the Vikings seem to be stuck between the 20s. Which is better than the Colts right now, who can't run the ball at all. The Colts are basically out of offensive linemen, right? Was that the longest delayed hook-and-ladder ever? Is it even technically a hoook-and-ladder at that point? Whoa. I don't think Addai made it. Neither do Gumbel and Dierdorf, who basically said if he did make it, it was by the slimmest margin possible ever. In the back of my mind I'm thinking, "All Peyton has to do is do that one more time and they can win this game." Did you catch him on the sideline after Vinatieri missed? He was shaking his head and had this look on his face like "What else can go wrong today?" And then Longwell comes back and misses? What is going ON here? As a colleague of mine is fond of saying, "Field goals lose games." Vinatieri is basically Mariano Rivera at this point, right? (Colts 18, Vikings 15)

Man, leads are getting blown left and right here today.

Well, let's see how this goes. I'm expecting the Patriots to call six plays. The Jets don't need to be leaving points on the field like that. Where'd this Stuckey kid come from? I had to look up his name. Is it just me or have the Patriots been running the ball better ever since Maroney went out? The Jets must have five guys on Moss or something. GUNSLINGER. That pass was 10 yards short. Adalius Thomas sacking two guys at once was pretty great. So I guess they're going to do it with defense this time around? Is that it? It's a good plan if that's what that is. (Patriots 19, Jets 10)

And we come in just in time to see Cason make a nice play to pick off Cutler. Wait, that's a fumble, isn't it? He blew the whistle? I don't know if I take any comfort in the fact that he admitted he screwed up or not. Shanahan's going for two? (This caught Enberg completely off guard.) And the announcers don't know how much time is on the clock? Wow. Just wow. (Broncos 39, Chargers 38)

Who the hell is Logan Payne? Here's how bad the Rams are: Seattle's a 10-point favorite next week. (49ers 33, Seahawks 30, OT)

This weather looks eerily familiar. Michael Phelps pretty much has the NBC logo branded on his ass at this point, right? Wait, what? Ben's got a separated shoulder? No wonder he only throws eight passes a game. (Steelers 10, Browns 6)

That's not the way the Cowboys wanted to start. Three tight ends? I hope the Seahawks are taking notes. Maybe they only need one receiver after all. Nice coverage, Lito. rolls eyes I was left disappointed by the ESPN Deportes call of Felix's kickoff return. That kid's crazy fast, by the way. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Or just fall on it at the very least. I hope he doesn't handle Jessica that clumsily. Was that even 30 seconds? That's good play design to have T.O. end up one-on-one against Dawkins. PRO TIP: DeSean, the end zone is a different color than the rest of the field. Keep that in mind for next time, hmmm? Anyway, an Arena game appears to have broken out. Romo's gotten near-impeccable pass protection all night long. Things have calmed down considerably. And now Donovan's struggling with handoffs. I know you don't run the ball but still. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Nice spin move by Barber. It's kind of scary how little mileage he has on him relative to his experience. That hook-and-ladder didn't have enough ladders. This was the exact opposite of last year's game in Texas Stadium, which, again, I wasn't expecting. And let's put away the anointing oils for the Cowboys, while we're at it. (Cowboys 41, Eagles 37)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (0-2, L2): This Larry Johnson thing is cause for concern.

JackSux (2-0, W2): One bright spot from the DeSean Drop: It helped me beat Dupin (who has Jackson) by three points. If he scores that touchdown, I lose.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: Bunting, Blowouts and Breaks

Wait, what? 7 o'clock? Oh, right, the Republicans. Still, you'd think we'd have gotten some kind of buildup. That's how you start a game, Eli. The Redskins look... off. Seriously, this team going to the West Coast offense is a cultural adjustment as much as anything else. The Giants' defense hasn't missed a beat, either. Why are people counting these guys out again? (Giants 17, Redskins 6)

Signal Finder: STL @ PHI, HOU @ PIT, NYJ @ MIA (end), TB @ NO (end), DAL @ CLE

Um... ouch? I don't know if I'd call it dirty, but it's certainly dubious. (Remember the Carson Palmer hit? Same thing essentially.) Then Brodie Croyle goes down and no one gives a rat's ass. Which, to be honest, would have been the case regardless, though at least he didn't get Charlie Frye-d, which was what I thought when I saw Huard randomly pop up in a highlight. Is this how the Super Bowl losers' hangover manifests itself? Because Matt Cassel... could really suck. Actually, you know what? I think I did call it dirty when Vince Wilfork did it to J.P. Losman... last year? It should be a penalty at the very least. So much for my prediction. (Patriots 17, Chiefs 10)

DeSean's starting by default. Though I'm sure no one has any complaints! What, another one? The Rams' DBs are getting embarrassed all over the place here. Reggie Bush to Stephen Jackson; "I feel you, bro. I feel you." The most amazing thing about the Baskett stat with him having the most 80+ yard touchdowns over the last three years is that he never plays. Hmmm, that fake QB sneak into a quick pitch is a new wrinkle. You know whose name I haven't heard at all is Torry Holt. Well. This was unexpected. There was this one shot of Jim Haslett near the end and he had this look on his face that summed everything up, including why he's not a head coach any more. LOL at the fans booing the Ram field goal. (Eagles 38, Rams 3)

DOUBLE REVERSE~~~~~~ Harbaugh learned his lessons well. (Ravens 17, Bengals 10)

Pennsylvania: Land of Beatdowns. Comparison to chew on: The Eagles game was an air strike. The Steelers did it with tanks. (Steelers 38, Texans 17)

I wonder if I'll ever get used to that. MAN DOWN! MAN DOWN! Favre still has hops at his age? Amazing. And where'd the receiver come from? The Jets actually asked Favre if he could kick. That bit about one-win teams winning the following season's opener? I did not know that. Did the Dolphins receiver try to put Revis in a double chickenwing or something? What was that? (Jets 20, Dolphins 14)

They flagged T.O. for that? Weak. The Cowboys called the dogs off in the second half. (Cowboys 28, Browns 10)

We weren't really paying attention to this because of Phillies-Mets but it looks like the Colts' run defense has reverted back to 2005 levels. That's the only explanation I can come up with. (Bears 29, Colts 13)

All right, Aaron. Saddle up. Wow, look at all those penalty flags. Zzzzzzz... I'm not sure how Jennings came down with that and not the defender. We've seen that before somewhere. Meanwhile, Tarvaris looks like he's always looked, which is, not like a quarterback who's ready to lead a team on a deep playoff run or anything like that. Peterson can't do it alone. And he's certainly going to need more help than that from his special teams. Rodgers is sharp. Well, that wasn't bad. You can see the flashes from Tarvaris, like on the drive that ended with the Rice touchdown. I feel like this is as far as it goes, though. Lambeau Leap for Rodgers! That says so much right there. I've never noticed this before but his nose is huge. (Packers 24, Vikings 19)

What an ass-kicking this was. I thought DeAngelo Hall was good. LOL at Skycam getting into the shot. Edit that out! (Broncos 41, Raiders 14)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (0-1): The Seattle Supersonics live on! Facing Willie Parker was not fun.

JackSux 5 (1-0): On the strength of Drew Brees and a mildly surprising effort from the Bears' defense.

Fearful Forecast 2008

NFC

EAST

(1) Dallas - On paper, the Cowboys are probably the best team in the conference. But games aren't played on paper, especially not playoff games. And there are still enough potential time bombs that could cause things to go horribly wrong.

(5) N.Y. Giants - I'm not as down on these guys as everybody else is, and not just because they're the defending champions.

(6) Philadelphia - Friends, I don't remember the last time I've ever been so uncertain about this team. The defense has gotten dramatically younger over the past two years, and the hope is that Samuel can get some interceptions. It's a critical year for McNabb and everybody knows it - if he gets hurt again, say hello to Kevin Kolb.

Washington - I don't see it. Even with Jason Taylor and his dancing feet, they don't do anything better than any of the other teams in the division... including finishing games.

CENTRAL

(4) Green Bay - They've got a new quarterback. That's pretty big news. But it's the same group that surprised people and got to the NFC title game last year, and they seem to have accepted Aaron Rodgers. Is he produces, I like the Packers in a two-team division...

Minnesota - ...the other team being the Vikings. So much hinges on Tarvaris Jackson it isn't funny. If he becomes what the Vikings obviously think he can become, they could do big things.

Detroit - They're probably not as good as they started out last year.

Chicago - What the hell is going on here. They finally go with, IMO, the right quarterback among the ones they have, but when Devin Hester is your best offensive player, you've got... issues.

SOUTH

(2) New Orleans - They waited a year too late to make some moves to improve their defense, but they can score points with anybody. Plus, this division seems to have a different winner every year.

Carolina - Delhomme's arm looked OK when he faced the Eagles in that weird preseason game that got delayed by lightning for an hour. This is a team that will have to dip into its past - Delhomme, Peppers, and the returning Muhsin Muhammad will need to rediscover some of their old form. If they can, the Panthers could sneak into the playoffs.

Tampa Bay - They just don't excite me, y'know? The Bucs may be the most mediocre team in the league. I think last year's division title bought Gruden some time.

Atlanta - The Falcons are starting over. Again.

WEST

(3) Seattle - Apparently it takes three guys to replace Shaun Alexander. Even though they're banged up all over the offense in preseason, they're still the best of a seriously bad lot.

Arizona - They were 8-8 last year? Really? Huh. Look, I agree that Warner gives them a better chance to win right now than Leinart does. Still, the same standard holds: until they prove otherwise, they're still the Arizona Cardinals.

St. Louis - The Rams got ripped to shreds - literally - by injuries last season. They're also getting older in some important spots.

San Francisco - J.T. O'Sullivan? Really? Really? Daunte Culpepper might have a point.

AFC

EAST

(1) New England - Forget Spygate. Forget Brady's foot. The Pats will never admit it publicly, but they are going to be angry and out for blood after their season ended the way it did. I fear for the rest of the league. Yes, again.

N.Y. Jets - They have a new quarterback; perhaps you've heard of him. And a lot of new other things. They're going for it; it's just unfortunate for them that they're in the AFC.

Miami - No, really. Chad Pennington remains the third-best QB in this division, but he's now the best quarterback on his new team. Don't forget the Dolphins lost more than their fair share of close games last year.

Buffalo - You got faith in Trent Edwards? I don't. Not yet, anyway. I see them treading water, both American and Canadian.

NORTH

(4) Pittsburgh - Their schedule is absolutely brutal.

(6) Cleveland - Last year's biggest surprise team, as usual, enters this year with higher expectations. I don't know how much I believe in the Browns' defense yet.

Baltimore - Things can't get worse, you know? Even with a rookie quarterback who's starting almost by default.

Cincinnati - I see this ending very, very badly. A team known for its offense suddenly has a lot of question marks (Are the receivers healthy? Was Chris Perry not overrated coming out of college?), their defense actually got worse, and the Chris Henry thing might drive Marvin Lewis to drink.

SOUTH

(3) Indianapolis - Can they stay healthy? That's the big question for a team that's been there before and is good enough to get back.

(5) Jacksonville - The jaguars made moves to improve at receiver, and they'll need that extra dimension to get over the hump, because they've got everything else.

Houston - They'll break .500. Playoffs? Maybe next year. The best thing that could happen to the Texans is Steve Slaton getting some run at running back, because who knows what Ahman Green's got left.

Tennessee - They were a playoff team last yeat, but Vince Young still needs help.

WEST

(2) San Diego - Shawne Merriman's making a colossal mistake. Besides that, this is a team that got close last year and is good enough to go all the way as long as Rivers keeps improving.

Denver - You get the feeling that Mike Shanahan would have to shoot Pat Bowlen in the face to get fired?

Oakland - One year and Lane Kiffin is walking on eggshells. On the actual field, the Raiders did some odd things in the offseason, and I'm not sure they're all that much better for it.

Kansas City - There's a youth movement afoot for the Chiefs, and expectations are low.

WILD CARD:
Philadelphia over Seattle, N.Y. Giants over Green Bay
Indianapolis over Cleveland, Jacksonville over Pittsburgh

DIVISIONAL PLAYOFFS:
Dallas over Philadelphia; New Orleans over N.Y. Giants
New England over Jacksonville, Indianapolis over San Diego

CONFERENCE CHAMPIONSHIP
New Orleans over Dallas
New England over Indianapolis

SUPER BOWL... 43?
New England over New Orleans