By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: The Big Bum Rush

Signal Finder: CIN @ NYG, ARZ @ WSH, TB @ CHI (end of regulation), PIT @ PHI

Good Lord. This may be the greatest day in Dolphins history since the last time they beat the Patriots. (Dolphins 38, Patriots 13)

I find it interesting that the announcers are still calling him 'Johnson.' Oh, wait, Gumbel referenced it, at least. Is Carson's nose broken again? Maybe, since he's been sacked six times. What about Pierce jumping offsides after realizing that the Giants only had 10 guys on the field? CHICANERY! Did that get deflected? OMG a touchdown pass from the Bengals! And the defense gives half of it back. Seriously. Is Carson freezing Chad out? Seemingly every pass in the fourth quarter has gone to T.J. This is the offense we're used to. Overtime! Can we get a better look at that sideline? No? OK. (Giants 26, Bengals 23)

So if Brian Griese threw 67 passes, that means the Bucs lost, right? Right? What? (Buccaneers 27, Bears 24, OT)

Usually when somebody steps on someone else's foot, it's the step-ee that takes the worst of it, not the stepper. Ben is getting killed out there. Where was this last week? Seems to me like Buckhalter's done that before. That exact move, even. Eagles fans will spend all year wondering "Is this it?" whenever anything happens to McNabb. Seriously, where was this last week? They're probably 3-0 if they get to Romo a couple times. These have been some unfortunate, if correct, replay reviews. The Steelers have been absolutely stifled. That's a clutch punt. It shouldn't have been called grounding because his knee was down in the end zone. The result's correct, but there's semantics involved. Why is Tomlin going for it? They're gonna have to kick a field goal at some point, and Reed's one of the better ones... odd. This is the third week in a row I've watched the Eagles and said afterwards, "Well. Wasn't expecting THAT." And I'm not sure what that means. (Eagles 15, Steelers 6)

I'm incredibly frightened right now. (Cowboys 27, Packers 9)

PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. And learn to snap it while you're at it. AGAIN I SAY. And Cromartie should've had that one. How does he not bring that in? Lookit Jammer run. That one wasn't really Favre's fault - Cromartie made a great play to take it away there. There is a fairly large hole in the Chargers' kickoff coverage. That's gotta be one of the worst feelings in the world, to take it back that far and not make it. How much defense is actually being played? OK, THAT one you can put on Favre. Sproles just takes off like a rocket. Man, it's hard to argue against the Jets going for it there even though it didn't work. Uh-oh. They're rallying. (Sort of.) Blowing this one buries the Chargers, right? Well, that'll help. But here come the Jets right back. Again, holes in the kickoff coverage. Not enough time for it to happen now. Another flag? I think you can call a run now, Mangini. You're at the half-yard line for crying out loud. Seriously, is this some kind of record? AND WHY ARE THEY STILL IN THE SHOTGUN? And then they don't even get it. Serves 'em right. What a baffling sequence. This was the Chargers saying "We don't really think the 1-3 trick is going to work two years in a row." (Chargers 48, Jets 29)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (0-3, L3): This team is in shambles. My quarterbacks stink, my receivers stink, even my defenses are crap. At least Larry Johnson's not dead.

JackSux (2-1, L1): Johnny tore me to shreds. Or, rather, my own instincts tore me to shreds. I left 70 points on the bench in Brees (WTF Broncos, I thought your defense was good), Addai and McGahee (who wasn't even supposed to play this week). Rivers tried his hardest to rally the troops by himself on Monday night, though.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. Dallas (3-0) - They may have flaws, but they haven't been exploited optimally yet
2. N.Y. Giants (3-0) - Still the forgotten champions
3. Denver (3-0) - Cutler's breaking out in a big-time way

BOTTOM 3:
30. Detroit (0-3) - Junior Ford: "I'd fire Millen, but Dad won't let me."
31. Kansas City (0-3) - Does Tyler Thigpen even know who he is?
32. St. Louis (0-3) - What in the blue hell is going on here?