By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 16: Feeding the Beast

There was a game tonight? Oh. (Chargers 42, Titans 17)

Signal Finder: BAL @ PIT, CAR @ NYG, TB @ NO (OT), DEN @ PHI

PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. The Ravens are getting flagged like they're the Raiders. Oh! How does Mason drop that?! Seriously, this is ridiculous – that one just knocked them out of field goal range. Why is Ben throwing deep? Another penalty? Of course it's on Walker – he's secretly terrible. Two straight sacks to end all hope. How depressing, and in retrospect, the Suggs penalty that wiped out Foxworth's interception return for a touchdown may have ended up costing the Ravens the game. Also, the Steelers held their opponent scoreless in the fourth quarter! Stop the presses. If you're a Ravens fan, you should be a little worried – that game in Oakland next week is hardly a lock at this point. Ask the guys on the other sideline. Better yet, ask me. grumbles (Steelers 23, Ravens 20)

Three incompletions for Brady against the Jaguars after throwing only two incompletions against them during the 2007 undefeated run. Yeah, I don't know either. crosses off Jaguars (Patriots 35, Jaguars 7)

Nice to see Nick Folk get work again so soon. Oh, wait, that's not... oh. OHHHHH. And now is the time for the Buccaneers to give the ball exclusively to Cadillac because the Saints can't stop him. You rarely see an overtime drive go like this with one team just running at will down the field. You know Tampa's beaten two playoff teams? And they're talking about dumping Morris after one year when they had to know they were going to be bad? They're nuts, right? (Buccaneers 20, Saints 17, OT)

I would not have done what Jim Caldwell did when Jim Caldwell did it. Only a five-point lead against a desperate team that's got a little bit of crazy in it and has held you down so far? Actual AP Line: “The Jets needed five things to happen and they all did.” It was 15-10 when the Colts' starters were pulled. The Jets then scored 19 unanswered points. I guess that means that Peyton Manning is also the Colts' best defensive player. (Jets 29, Colts 15)

You know who got the biggest ovation? Westbrook. Help me out here: if it's a backwards pass, it's treated as a lateral and it doesn't matter that it hit the ground? Is that how it works? Dumervil has become a monster in the Broncos' new 3-4 defense. Wait, they're tossing Stokley? For what? Ohhhhh. That was completely unintentional but there's no give whatsoever on that rule. This... isn't gonna work. I'm not sure if it made the broadcast but on the radio report Dawkins was pointing to himself after the Celek touchdown. You know who doesn't seem to be doing a whole lot is Brandon Marshall. I said this to my dad also: I still maintain that pass interference penalties would be cut in half if defenders just turned around. Nice catch, Avant. I think the Broncos broke into the Eagles' locker room at halftime and stole all their defensive plays. Hey, guys, how about wrapping up Gaffney instead of just putting a hit on him and hoping he falls down on his own? I don't think Macho Harris should return kickoffs any more. There's been some horrific punting in this game. Wow, McNabb's gonna get the first down here. And finally a good punt by Rocca. McNabb's run was huge, as it completely turned the field position around. Did he catch that? He caught that. You can see Reid mouth “One second” there. It's GOOD. Also not going unnoticed: the Broncos might be doing it again. (Eagles 30, Broncos 27)

Thanks for showing up, Redskins! (Cowboys 17, Redskins 0)

The Vikings do know there's a game tonight, right? Geez. Meanwhile the Bears actually look like an NFL offense for more than two consecutive plays. Not a fan of the time management at the end of the first half – they could have buried the Vikings there with a touchdown. The Vikings can't even get seven points out of a touchdown, and then they can't cover the kickoff. This could end very, very badly, especially since the Bears came back and scored in about three plays. This Aromashodu kid's having a big night. Don't look now, but the Vikings are grinding their way back into this thing. It's tied? Really? Are you kidding me with that kickoff return? And it's about the third one to boot and Hester's hurt tonight, so he hasn't been in on any of them. It's one thing for Kurt Warner to do this to a good defense. But Matt Moore and now Jay Cutler? That's a little ridiculous. I love the spin on that stat about how Favre's never led a comeback from being down more than 17 points like it happens every day. Did the Bears really call a time out right after the Vikings did? What is this, the NBA? And after all that, why was Rice not double-teamed? It's like the Jets against Gonzalez last week: you know where the ball's going; put a man in front of him. Now if the Vikings can cover this kickoff we'll have overtime, but that's been a problem tonight. Think Childress'll try to pull Favre here to protect him? Gould missed? That's rare. Peterson fumbled? That's... less rare. TOUCHDOWN! I feel like this was the Bears getting a small but meaningful amount of payback for all the times Favre has beaten them down in their house over the years. (Bears 36, Vikings 30, OT)

FANTASY REPORT

I went out with not one whimper, but three:

aPaFL: An uninspired loss to Brian relegates me to sixth place. Congrats to Johnny, who will represent our side in the Bacardi Bowl after winning our league playoffs as a 6-7 No. 7 seed (!)

JackSux6: Indeed. After getting knocked into the consolation final, I leave 59 points on the bench in McNabb and Sproles and lose... by 54. I will now light myself on fire.

Lincoln Continentals: Another big loss, this time in the consolation game. Such promising starts, such disappointing ends. Now I know what the Giants feel like.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. San Diego (12-3) – SING THE SONG

2. Indianapolis (14-1) – Just might beat Buffalo anyway with all backups

3. Philadelphia (11-4) – As usual, surging late

4. New Orleans (11-4) – Desperately need Sedrick Ellis back

BOTTOM 4

29. Washington (4-11) – Has basically packed it in

30. Kansas City (3-12) – Still bad, but at least under-the-radar bad

31. Detroit (2-13) – Well, it's better than last year

32. St. Louis (1-14) – No Jackson, no chance

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 15: Blizzard of Confusion

Has Peyton missed yet? No? Oh. The Jaguars are hanging in there but they don't want to play this game like this – they'd have been much happier with a repeat of the pace of the 14-12 opener. Is Cox the Jaguars' best corner? Because I'd think you'd want to have your best corner on Reggie Wayne and the Colts have been exploiting that matchup all night. Like that. Peyton f'n Manning. I mean, this is how Colts-Jaguars always ends. (Colts 35, Jaguars 31)

Wow. The absolute last team you'd have expected to pull this off, given its history, did. In the Superdome, no less. Which will only make it the funniest thing ever if the Cowboys lose to Washington next week. (Cowboys 24, Saints 17)

Signal Finder: SF @ PHI (nope; maybe later), ATL @ NYJ (coverage expanded), NE @ BUF (swapped in), SF @ PHI (sure, how 'bout now?) CIN @ SD (broadcast rules now prevent it), GB @ PIT (well, just the end now)

And thus, we now get a win-or-piss-off game here at the Meadowlands. What? The Falcons are already eliminated? Whatever then. The amount of red zone fail in this game has been off the charts. How does no one stand in front of Gonzalez there? You know he's getting the ball. You've got three guys on him. How are they all behind him? Strange. crosses off Jets (Falcons 10, Jets 7)

Josh's postgame Facebook status: “I was OK, I was at peace with the fact that the Dolphins' season was over and then they had to go and force overtime and lose the game a second time. THAT was a bit annoying.” (Titans 27, Dolphins 24, OT)

You know who's good is Jamaal Charles. Larry who? There's a move the Chiefs don't regret. Didn't we just see this? For once, I agree with Deion: Pay the man his money. Here's how bad Brady Quinn is: Three hours from now, Matt Forte – who also isn't very good – will have rushed for more yards than Quinn threw for today (69 to 66). Seriously, how does your team score 41 points and you can't claim to have contributed to any of them? (Browns 41, Chiefs 34)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Cardinals 31, Lions 24

You just never get a feeling until after the first score, regardless of who gets it. Nineteen yards? Please. Jackson's caught longer touchdowns in his sleep. Really, Andy? Why are you doing that? Help me understand. Way to bail out your coach, defense. Moose: “Thank you, Shelton!” Kevin Curtis lives! And gets a nice cheer after that catch. Is McNabb gonna make it? He made it! Gore's broken off a few too many big runs for my taste. You know who we haven't heard a lot from today is Vernon Davis, which is a good sign when you consider how tight ends have killed the Eagles all year. Well, that'll be that. PLAYOFFS. (Eagles 27, 49ers 13)

And now for the end of the game we were all supposed to see before the Apocalypse happened. All right, Mike Tomlin. I like you and everything but what's this onside kick about? Holy crap it almost worked. Except now you've given your defense that's been lit up all night no margin for error... and that's what happens when you do that. Of course, now the Packer are playing a prevent and we all know the saying that goes with that. This ending seems... familiar. (Steelers 37, Packers 36)

Hey, you know all those AFC teams I've crossed off the last two weeks? Not so fast, my friends! You kind of wonder how the Raiders would have fared had they held on to Jeff Garcia and made him the starter. I'm pretty sure he could have pulled out two more wins. (Raiders 20, Broncos 19)

So here's how NBC ended up getting stuck with this sure-to-be dog of a game: CBS and FOX both get to protect one of their games from being flexed. The obvious choice – Bengals-Chargers – CBS held onto like grim death. The second-obvious choice – Packers-Steelers – FOX kept but moved to its doubleheader Game 2 slot. The result? We get to watch Matt Moore all night. PRO TIP: When you try to tackle Adrian Peterson, make sure he stops moving. Favre is getting used and abused. How about adjusting the pass protection? Anyone? Is Steve Smith trying to win this game by himself? Sure seems like it. And we really haven't heard anything from A.P. since that touchdown. Man, the Panthers are manhandling the Vikings. Surprising. The Cardinals didn't beat them down like this two weeks ago. RULES AND REGULATIONS. (Panthers 26, Vikings 7)

Eli just picked those guys apart on that opening drive. That was masterful. Imagine I just said that again. And again. Wait, what? Really? You're going back to the Swinging Gate after only a month? And using the same freeze-out trick you did the first time as well? That was Doomed To Failure. There's a reason Andy only onside kicks to start the game every couple of years. This is like Morimoto against the Ohta faction (with the Davis TD being the faction's only win, natch.) Johnny: “We could coach the Skins.” Bruce Allen couldn't have been a fan of this. (Giants 45, Redskins 12)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL: Into the consolation bracket we go, and we beat Gunslinger Mentality to get into the fifth-place game.

JackSux 6: So, yeah. I lost by 1.96 points despite leaving 40 points on the bench in the form of Reggie Wayne and Beanie Wells. But I'm not sure if that's more to blame than the -3 I got from the Steelers 'defense'. It's me against Johnny in the third-place game for at least the second time.

Lincoln Continentals: I got absolutely crushed by the Mustangs, who got 333 points from the Browns' defense and special teams.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. Indianapolis (14-0) – It's how they roll

2. San Diego (11-3) – Big win over Bengals just the latest

3. New Orleans (13-1) – Injuries help end perfect season

4. Minnesota (11-3) – Another December swoon for Favre?

BOTTOM 4

29. Tampa Bay (2-12) – Winning the battle of who could care less

30. Detroit (2-12) – Culpepper not helping own cause

31. Cleveland (3-11) – Only entertaining against equally incompetent opponents

32. St. Louis (1-13) – So many needs and only one No. 1 overall pick

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 14: Shock and Awe

Two things I can't get over right now: How bad Brady Quinn is playing, and how bad the Steelers' offensive line is. Are you kidding me? Looks like it's time to re-open voting for NFL Upset of the Decade. Also, the ultimate question has finally been answered: the Madden cover curse is more powerful than the Super Bowl losers' curse. crosses off Steelers (Browns 13, Steelers 6)

Signal Finder: CIN @ MIN, NO @ ATL, GB @ CHI (end), CAR @ NE (end), SD @ DAL

The Colts – Peyton Manning specifically – usually destroy the Broncos, so for them to hang in there the way they did was a good sign. Let's put Brandon Marshall's day in perspective: He caught 21 passes. The Colts caught 20. (Colts 28, Broncos 16)

It's funny to hear the Panthers' DBs talking about how they think Moss slowed down when they lost and Wes Welker absolutely lit them up. Belichick: “They haven't won a lot of games this year.” (Patriots 20, Panthers 10)

As beatable as the Saints have looked at times, they still haven't been beaten. That says a lot. (Saints 26, Falcons 23)

Ah, Winfield's back. That'll help. Except for somehow losing track of Chad on the touchdown, this game's been more about the Vikings' defense shutting down the Bengals' passing game than anything else. I worry about the Bengals' offense at this point. Chad doesn't stretch the field like he used to. (Vikings 30, Bengals 10)

It's the unstoppable force versus the extremely movable object. WILD FROG. The thing about the Chargers' receivers is they don't have blazing, afterburner-type speed, but they're big, strong and tough and it almost isn't worth trying to be more physical than them. And there's another red-zone failure by the Cowboys. They obviously don't trust Folk right now but nobody else is giving them any kind of lift in those situations. And they were so effective running the ball on that drive. Must be that unimaginative play calling that Cowboys fans have been complaining about the last two years, and how do they not run a play fake at any point? Something I noticed going through the box scores: there have been a lot of missed kicks today. Was that a blown coverage? Either way, a sweet drive by Romo and company that actually ends with points for once. Man, if Rivers doesn't step up into the pocket, the Ware injury doesn't happen because Ware would have gotten him. Gates to the corner... touchdown. And after that touchdown, the Cowboys had the ball for about 3½ minutes the rest of the game. This is how the downward spiral continues. Also, how many points did the Cowboys leave on the field? Ten? Thirteen? That's not gonna get it done. (Chargers 20, Cowboys 17)

Did Seabass really try a 66-yarder? I see the benching hasn't helped Russell any. (Redskins 34, Raiders 14)

It's the state of the NFL these days that on the fumble return touchdown, Brown slowed down and turned around because it all seemed too easy. I mean, it was an obvious fumble but you're never sure if there's gonna be a flag of some kind. Aw, Trotter. You gotta bring that one in. Manningham's route-running... needs work. Hakeem Nicks will not be thanking his hands. He should be thanking his moves. See, the Eagles need to have McNabb and Vick on the field together more often, though that play would have worked better if Vick had started on the other side. Okay, after seeing the Jackson punt return seven times I just noticed that on his first cut, he looks like he's just sliding. The best thing that can happen to the Giants is their running game making a comeback. Looks like this is gonna be one of those games. Going for it on 4^th down has become an epidemic. Terrible tackling on the Hixon touchdown. And equally terrible coverage on the Jackson bomb. Michaels: “This is like a street game.” That's the shortest flea-flicker you'll ever see. Watching Eli on the escape/dump to Bradshaw reminded us all that the most underrated part of the David Tyree Super Bowl catch was Eli using all the minimal mobility he had to not get sacked on the back end. Manningham's route-running... really needs work. Wow, that's close. I couldn't overturn it. And they do! That's why I don't have that job. Goodbye, Meadowlands. Apparently the Giants' defense couldn't wait to leave. (Eagles 45, Giants 38)

Programming Note: For you Sunday night owls who have NFL Network but not Red Zone, the Network replays Red Zone at 4 a.m. Eastern so you can see what Gates has been raving about.

I'm not gonna say it again. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Nate: “If the Bears are who we thought they were, who the hell are the Cardinals?” (49ers 24, Cardinals 9)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL: The other fallout from the Steelers' complete and utter failure was me getting knocked out of the playoffs by DeSean Jackson, of all people. With Willis McGahee and his two touchdowns sitting on my bench (because who figured the Ravens would dig him out of mothballs to help them destroy the Lions on the ground?) Charlie beat me by slightly more than a point.

JackSux6 (10-4, W1): I held on to beat the Lunatics... only to draw them in the playoffs, which start this week.

Lincoln Continentals: I did get some revenge on Charlie here, knocking him out of his own league's playoffs. Thanks, Ahmad Bradshaw! Well, sort of.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (13-0) – Entirely too close a call

2. Indianapolis (13-0) – Par for the course

3. San Diego (10-3) – Probably playing the best of all the top teams

4. Minnesota (11-2) – An unremarkable performance, but back on track

BOTTOM 4

29. Tampa Bay (1-12) – Building a new ship is hard

30. Detroit (2-11) – These rumors about trading Megatron need to stop

31. Cleveland (2-11) – They've almost gotten worse QB production in their wins than their losses

32. St. Louis (1-12) – Somebody named Keith Null started at quarterback? Really?

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 13: Rise Up

O CANADA. Seriously, what's happened to Braylon Edwards? Any chance the Jets bring him back? Mark Sanchez clearly needed more sliding lessons. (Jets 19, Bills 13)

Signal Finder: PHI @ ATL, WSH @ NO (the last two minutes except for the final 32 seconds – WTF Fox), DAL @ NYG, SD @ CLE

Look, it's one thing to go cross-country and lose to a team that bad. But to have them come into your house and do that to you? Really? “I thought it was the Super Bowl loser who was supposed to be cursed.” Even so... I can't do it yet. But the Steelers are in “Act of God” territory now. (Raiders 27, Steelers 24)

The pace of this game seems really frenetic early, especially on the Falcons' side. Redman's acting at about two times speed. Well, here he comes. That reaction is decidedly mixed. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. It's the Leonard Weaver show! You know Moose enjoyed that. One thing I'm seeing right away is how on the ball the Eagles' defenders are. Very few runs after catches going on here. Why are the Eagles in the shotgun on their own 2-yard line? Oh. Peters is hurt again? He's becoming this year's Elton Brand. You know who's still good is Tony Gonzalez. The Falcons are finishing drives like they're the Redskins. I think you try to punch it in, too, because like Moose said, you make this, it's a one-score game. I might have called a different play, though, especially since they did that three times and didn't score. DENIED! Not even close. That's putting the hammer down and might be a game-changer. Is Andy going for it here? Well then. Touchdown Michael Vick. Has any other Falcons wide receiver caught a pass today? Smith's going to go for it again here, as he probably should at this point in the game. Oops. Sheldon jumped that route like he was Asante. Now the crowd wants Vick. This went well. (Eagles 34, Falcons 7)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Bears 17, Rams 6. Aside: How did Dick Stockton get stuck with this dog of a game? This matchup had Ron Pitts written all over it.

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: The Meachem play is not only the “C'MON, MAN!” Play of the Year, it also sums up the Redskins in a nice little 30-second package. Twenty-three yards? And it wasn't even close! If the Redskins lose this game they should cut Suisham immediately. And of course the Saints go right down the field and score. Meachem was five yards behind the secondary. Really, Channel 29? You're not going to show me overtime? I think the only reason they were able to overturn the Sellers play in OT was that the Saints didn't take off and run with it after recovering it for whatever reason. It's GOOD! (Saints 33, Redskins 30)

This wouldn't be happening if Bill Belichick was still alive. (Dolphins 22, Patriots 21)

On the one hand, a Cowboys loss precipitates their annual December downfall. On the other hand, a Cowboys win buries the Giants, and I'd really like to have them out of the way as early as possible. Nice to see Roy Williams show up tonight. The Cowboys have been in control for the most part and yet they're only up three after the nice catch by Nicks. There's the Brandon Jacobs that's been missing, well, most of this season, to be brutally honest. You know how some animals are dangerous when cornered? That's what the Giants remind me of here. This is starting to look like a repeat of '06 when the Cowboys lost the ability to run the ball. Of all the adjectives that have been used to describe Jacobs, “fast” has never been among them. Has Romo really thrown 50 passes? (Giants 31, Cowboys 24)

They couldn't have moved Pats-Dolphins back to the late CBS slot? This is all we've got? Weaksauce. This apparently got interesting late. (Chargers 30, Browns 23)

Yeah, that's a touchdown. “Three feet?” Is that legal? I could see the Vikings sorely missing Winfield tonight. I mean, you can't double two guys. And it's coming true as Warner and the receivers are just lighting this defense up. You know two words I haven't heard all night? Adrian Peterson. The Cardinals have shut him down like I don't think anyone has. GUNSLINGER. GAH! The Henderson injury is giving me Tim Krumrie flashbacks. I'm not sure I expected this. That Warner kid's pretty good. (Cardinals 30, Vikings 17)

This is the first MNF game in Green Bay in December? Odd. No Ed Reed? That's dicey. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Hey, Rodgers has time to throw again. And he's not using too much of it, either. How does Finley keep getting open? LOL at Washington getting shoved out of the end zone stands. Wait, what? That didn't hit the ground? Wow. It's like the Antonio Freeman play in reverse. Willis McGahee lives! I've seen fewer flags at the United Nations. Just turn around and wave at the ball. Is it really that difficult? Also it wasn't very smart of Mason to grab Woodson and push him away when he was about to overrun the route anyhow. (Packers 27, Ravens 14)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (8-5, W4): We didn't get a lot from Derrick Mason on Monday night, but we got enough to beat the Fire Island Ferries and secure the No. 4 seed in the playoffs. We brought in Justin Fargas to take Ronnie Brown's roster spot, and signed Mike Wallace for Hines Ward insurance, but our real question will be at quarterback: Favre or Palmer?

JackSux 6 (9-4, L2): Lost to the Original Pulp Heroes again after Rodgers' big night. I probably won't lose the top seed (I'm 150 points ahead of the top second-place team, so the tiebreaker likely won't go into effect) but I need to right this ship with one week left in the regular season and three 8-5 teams behind me.

Lincoln Continentals (11-2, W5): And here I was worried because late pickup Justin Forsett got hurt on Friday and I never reset my lineup. This was a crushing the likes of which I don't think I've ever put on anyone. My opponent had Shaun Hill at QB, who hasn't played in a month. Anyway, playoffs. Top seed here, and I'm facing Charlie in the first round AGAIN.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (12-0) – Entirely too close a call

2. Indianapolis (12-0) – 12 > 5

3. San Diego (9-3) – That Philip Rivers is so hot right now

4. Minnesota (10-2) – Speed bump

BOTTOM 4

29. Tampa Bay (1-11) – You're supposed to pull the QB after the fourth interception

30. Detroit (2-10) – Not historically bad, just dreadful

31. St. Louis (1-11) – Steven Jackson deserves a medal

32. Cleveland (1-11) – Worse than last year's Lions. Seriously.

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 12: Unstuffed

That's a different start. I'd like to think that if Aaron Rodgers had an actual turkey with him on the bomb to Driver that he had enough time to gut it, stuff it and tie it off before throwing down there and yelling “It's ready, Don! Put it in the oven!” I was just about to say that at least the Lions weren't thoroughly embarrassing themselves like they did last year but Stafford just threw another interception. Is Woodson really having that good a season? Huh. Things have officially taken a turn. The challenge on the safety was... different. There has been some extremely questionable playcalling down at these goal lines. For the last example, why kick the field goal now? I feel like if the Lions drafted nothing but defense next year there'd be little cause to complain. Time for roast chicken! (Packers 34, Lions 12)

Really, Mom? You've got Christmas dinner decided already? I'm pretty sure that's a record. As for the matter at hand, this is how you beat bad teams: you knock them down early. (You'll remember the bad feeling I had about Eagles-Raiders right after Miller broke that long touchdown to start that game.) Also, who thought it would be a good idea to put the Raiders in this spot when they were terrible last year and you figured the Chargers were probably going to be good? Bad job by the schedule makers. This was nice and everything but I still don't trust the Cowboys to not screw this up. (Cowboys 24, Raiders 7)

I don't remember having to turn the board every time it was someone else's turn. Or at least doing it so often. See, I never make the “form two words at one time” play so I don't know how to do it. That's why I asked for the rules and read them over for about three minutes. So I started the second game with one of the V's. Then I drew the X. Then I drew the K. Then I drew the J. Those were the first four plays. (Broncos 26, Giants 6; Me 2, Parents 0, NFL Network -1)

Signal Finder: WSH @ PHI, KC @ SD, JAX @ SF (most of second half)

Well. Haven't seen that in a while. And of course all the armchair analysts will decry it as a foolish gamble when they would all be saying how brilliant it was if it had worked. (Aside: A couple of Redskins players told Howard Eskin afterward that they knew it was coming because one of the Eagles was lined up in a different spot than usual. We didn't buy it, and as David Akers said, if that was the case, why did they all back up eight yards just before the kick?) I see “cover DeSean Jackson” is still not in the Redskins' game plan. Although I'm not sure if that was worse than Trotter and Harris just standing there while Santana Moss scooted in unencumbered. How about getting a stop on third down, huh? Just once. That's all I ask. I mean, Fred Davis? You can't stop Fred Davis one time? You cannot telegraph your throws when Asante Samuel's on the field – he and Ed Reed might be the best route-jumpers in the league. Celek's having an awful game. The Eagles are noticeably running the ball more than usual. Big stop by the Eagles' D after the Tryon interception where McNabb got blindsided right as he threw it. Eldra Buckley? Really? The fans are booing this time out but I don't think McNabb was getting the play in through his helmet. He was tapping his helmet and shaking his head right before that. Wow! How did McCoy keep his balance? I was sure he was down. Now they have to go ahead. Smart by McNabb to slide there – an incompletion stops the clock and the Redskins get to save their last time out. Kick it! Now can the Redskins rally? Of course not. Have you not been paying attention the last five years? (Eagles 27, Redskins 24)

I don't understand why Delhomme isn't limited to 20 pass attempts maximum at this point. The Panthers are at their best when they run the ball, they have two starting-caliber running backs and a quarterback who looks like the first football player to come down with Steve Blass disease. Although that first one Steve Smith 1.0 was simply blissfully unaware of. Meanwhile, Sanchez's regression to the mean continues, but I think this week he went up. I have two words for Panthers fans: Dan. LeFevour. (Jets 17, Panthers 6)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Seahawks 27, Rams 17

Jet: “Do you think Matt Leinart wakes up in a cold sweat with nightmares of Vince Young?” Also it's high time to add Chris Johnson to the MVP candidates list. (Titans 20, Cardinals 17)

As great as Peterson is, that happens way too much. PRO TIP: When defending against the pass, TURN AROUND. Why is Jared Allen getting interceptions? Much like last week the Bears don't seem to be letting Cutler take many chances deep. Because that's what happens. Oh, the rout is on. I think one of the popcorn vendors just caught a pass. (Vikings 36, Bears 10)

That rushing list graphic is hilarious because Tomlinson could pass about five guys today. Have I really not said “PROTECT THE FOOTBALL” up until now? Good thing, I guess. As it was, LDT only passed Marcus Allen and Edge James. And who knew Edge James was ahead of Marcus Allen? (Chargers 43, Chiefs 14)

Also, many thanks to CBS for switching us to this game after everything happened. (49ers 20, Jaguars 3)

Ah, that's a shame. Dixon was playing pretty well before that. (Ravens 20, Steelers 17, OT)

Game of the Year of the Week. That dome is rocking. DOINK! You don't get to 10-0 without a few of those. Going for it again, Belichick? You gonna call a better play this time? Hey, a man in the backfield. Already an improvement. And a touchdown, even. How 'bout that. The Saints have a punter? Interesting. Wow. Gruden said no more than 15 minutes ago that you have to know where Henderson is on the field. As one of the Saints' radio announcers said, he could have done the backstroke into the end zone. I hated the Meachem draft pick when it happened (I thought they absolutely should have gone defense, possibly Aaron Ross) but he's found himself too after a rough start. This game doesn't feel as close as it is. I think it may finally be time to say that the Patriots' defense is no longer what it was either. (The Seymour trade still baffles me, and Derrick Burgess, effectively his replacement, hasn't done anything.) Nate: “How many times can you say you went to bed early because the Patriots were getting blown out?” Brady didn't even know what the score was afterward. (Saints 38, Patriots 17)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (7-5, W3, clinched playoff berth): Here's how bad our commissioner's team is this year: I had Favre on my bench (because the Browns' defense is as bad or worse than the Bears' and I didn't figure on the Bengals not throwing a single pass) and I still beat him by 34 points. Six playoff spots are set and I play one of the 6-6 teams next week.

JackSux (9-3, L1, clinched playoff berth): We didn't have enough to beat Rob this week but we're still in first place with a two-game lead.

Lincoln Continentals (10-3, W4): Now we're in first place all by ourselves.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (11-0) – Back into the groove

2. Indianapolis (11-0) – crosses off Texans

3. Minnesota (10-1) – Favre currently making us all look like fools

4. San Diego (8-3) – That's six in a row, folks

BOTTOM 4

29. Oakland (3-8) – Averaging 10 points a game. 10!

30. Detroit (2-9) – Like holiday fruitcake

31. St. Louis (1-10) – Add injuries to Rams' list of woes

32. Cleveland (1-10) – Peter King: “I think Brady Quinn has the best hands on the team.”

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 11: That Thing About Familiarity and Contempt

Signal Finder: IND @ BAL, WSH @ DAL, PIT @ KC (OT), NYJ @ NE

Why would you let the Colts start the game on offense? No, seriously. Why? Sick catch by Clark. And that's what Ed Reed does and has always done. The Ravens' red-zone offense looks like the Eagles'. More field goals! Meanwhile the Colts have scored half as many times but have more points. 86 on the Colts is struggling. Great catch by Mason with Powers all over him. I don't think this McGahee play is a fumble. And it's not. The Ravens got absolutely no push on that third down. D'oh! Ah, there's the Billy Cundiff we know and love. That's just a stupid penalty by Ngata. Dropping the Savage elbow on a guy after he's down? And Ngata's a massive human being – Garcon's lucky to be alive. Stover: “Nah, Coach, I got this. I worked these mines for years.” I expect this Ravens drive to also peter out in the red zone. Are you kidding me with that pass? Awful read by Flacco. You know it's serious when Reed's back on a punt return. WHAT?! You're better than that, Reed. Is he down? Wow, I can't tell at all. They won't be overturning that. Ten! (Colts 17, Ravens 15)

Why is Devin Thomas returning kickoffs? Oh, I see; so he can help the team finally. Watching Roy Williams the last month makes me realize that the Alvin Harper phenomenon has evolved – if you're a very good No. 2 receiver, you no longer have to go somewhere else to become a crappy No. 1. Combine that with the Redskins' defense actually being quite good and the Eagles showing that Miles Austin can, in fact, be contained and it's little wonder the Cowboys' offense is struggling. Zzzzzzzzz. Ah, there's the Shaun Suisham we know and love. But this could actually hold up... or not. And once again the Redskins fail to finish a game. (Cowboys 7, Redskins 6)

Stafford got drilled on that Hail Mary. OK, for pass interference to be called on a Hail Mary it needs to be unbelievably blatant, and Poteat shoved that guy out of the end zone. Of course Mangini's gonna call a time out here. They've got a play to defend! They did an awful job defending it, but still. (Lions 38, Browns 37)

When did Batch go down? Chris Chambers lives! Irrelevant no more! This should never have happened. (Chiefs 27, Steelers 24, OT)

Does anybody else hear music playing? (Chargers 32, Broncos 3)

Let's see... crushing defeat to their arch rivals last week, a week full of external second-guessing, a return match against the division rival who hates them the most and beat them the first time... you might see the Patriots go into Murder Death Kill mode on the Jets. And here we go. Apparently covering Welker is not part of the Jets' game plan. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Sanchez's second pick to Bodden was worse than the first but I don't think Braylon even saw the ball. PRO TIP: When spotting the ball, try not to forget where the ball was previously spotted. What a debacle that was (and they also put too much time back on the clock). That's exactly the break the Jets needed – let's see if they can capitalize. Here come the Jets? Er... no. Bodden again? Why'd the Lions get rid of that guy? Sanchez looks like Ryan Leaf out there. Seriously. This was not that close, I assure you. crosses off Jets (Patriots 31, Jets 14)

That's such a Bengals way to lose. (Raiders 20, Bengals 17)

I imagine the McNabbs cooked for the team again at some point. Holy crap Michael Vick lives. I'm of the opinion that he just doesn't have it like he used to and hasn't really gotten enough of it back. The guy was out of the game for three years. Nice move by Avant on the touchdown. Cutler's playing at about 60 percent speed tonight. He's also overthrowing guys like Eli was against the Eagles. And now the Eagles are slowing down. The Bears' red-zone offense looks like the Eagles'. Field goals. Nothing but field goals. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. (And I'm actually not saying it to Cutler here.) Go vote Brent Celek into the Pro Bowl, please. I'd appreciate it. A 48-yarder being Jackson's shortest touchdown of the year is funny. Nice throw by Cutler on the touchdown to Davis. Why isn't that Bell guy getting the ball more after he broke off that 72-yarder in the second quarter? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Seriously. Blocked! Oh, that's huge. So is the guy who blocked it. Notice how the Eagles called a run for McCoy right away after he fumbled. They're going to need him down the stretch. Kinda like that. My mother is flipping out right now after that illegal block in the back penalty on that punt return. Right into double coverage! Good job, Jay. Wow! The Eagles finally beat the Bears! Not only that, THEY WON ON NBC! The center cannot hold. crosses off Bears (Eagles 24, Bears 20)

They did what? When did the Texans hire Les Miles? Ah, there's the Kris Brown we know and love. (Titans 20, Texans 17)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (6-5, W2): Well, we did it. Twice, in fact. Greg Olsen to Team Venture for Derrick Mason, then Drew Brees and Andre Johnson to the Gargoyles for Brett Favre and Rashard Mendenhall. I needed a replacement for Ronnie Brown and Carson Palmer wasn't getting any bites.

JackSux (9-2, W5): No big trades necessary here. The Seagulls roll along with another win over Butch.

Lincoln Continentals (9-2, W3): My opponent last week had six tight ends on his roster. I've never been in a league where so many people just give up at the end.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (10-0) – Back into the groove

2. Indianapolis (10-0) – They should really rejigger Eli's watch commercial and put Peyton in it instead

3. Minnesota (9-1) – Favre's only thrown three interceptions! Three!

4. San Diego (7-3) – Yeah, that's definitely a familiar melody

BOTTOM 4

29. Detroit (2-8) – Even when they win, they lose

30. St. Louis (1-9) – Might be looking for their next quarterback

31. Buffalo (3-7) – Really? You think you're getting Mike Shanahan?

32. Cleveland (1-9) – As if being bad wasn't enough, now they're unlucky

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 10: Better Day Ahead

Signal Finder: CIN @ PIT, DET @ MIN, PHI @ SD, DAL @ GB (meaningless end), SEA @ AZ (another meaningless end)

Line of the Week: Maurice Jones-Drew apologizing to his fantasy owners. “I had myself today. So it was a tough call.” (Jaguars 24, Jets 22)

If the Lions are ever going to pick somebody off, this seems like the time it would happen. When did it become Mall of America Field? I just noticed that. There goes Peterson, making up for that fumble early. I vehemently disagree with the Vikings going for it here. Especially if you're going to give it to your backup tight end lined up as a fullback. Isn't that why you people pay Adrian Peterson? Speaking of “All Day”, there he goes aga- oops. He's got a thing about doing that. LOL at the giant Tarvaris Jackson poster on the stadium wall. The Vikings should really be winning by about 20; they've shot themselves in the foot on a couple of occasions. The fans can boo all they want; you can't launch yourself at the quarterback's head. You just can't. And it seems like the fans haven't stopped booing since then. Ten penalties? The Lions are one play away from tying this thing. They just can't get it. Nice coverage. I know he's only Jeff Dugan, but still. (Vikings 27, Lions 10)

All right, I somehow didn't know about the Steelers' struggles covering kick returns. No Benson? That could be a problem. I hope the Scott kid is up to the task because this is going to be a grinder. So Polamalu ended up taking himself out too? Wow. Still no more touchdowns. The Bengals' defense is playing like the Steelers, and the Steelers can't protect Ben or find the end zone. Why is Frostee Rucker getting interceptions? STILL no more touchdowns. I'm amazed the Bengals have gotten away with this for as long as they have. Get to know this defense. I've told you about the two cornerbacks but Robert Geathers is an underrated pass rusher and Dhani Jones is having his best year in about the last five. We've heard basically nothing from Mendenhall or Chad either. I don't believe that just happened but I guess I have to. (Bengals 18, Steelers 12)

Are the Broncos doing it again? (Redskins 27, Broncos 17)

The Eagles' back seven is in flux. Gocong at middle linebacker for the first time in about 10 years? A former Mr. Irrelevant as the dime corner? Speaking of defensive backs, we've been hearing about the Chargers' tall receivers all week and it continues to surprise me that cornerbacks haven't gotten taller as well in response. Who is that guy? Was he even listed in the starting lineup? This is not an optimal start to the proceedings. Something I've noticed the past two weeks is that the Eagles are doing an awful lot of running out of the shotgun. Last week was last week, Andy. You should have gone for the touchdown on fourth down there. What I think happens to Reid is that he gets gun-shy in these situations whenever one doesn't go his way and it lingers for a week or two. It's like how Vince Carter turns into a jump shooter for three weeks after one hard foul. Oh no. Another concussion? It's strange – the Eagles have taken Vincent Jackson out of the game but they've allowed LDT to just crush them. Has McCoy even gotten a carry in this game? Reggie Brown lives! I think not going for two on either fourth-quarter score was that gun-shyness manifesting itself again. Yet the Eagles still have a shot almost in spite of themselves. That is, until the defense failed yet again to get a stop. (Chargers 31, Eagles 23)

So the annual Romo meltdown starts in November this year? Is that it? (Packers 17, Cowboys 7)

Flex Game Prediction of the Week: Dec. 20; Vikings-Panthers out; Bengals-Chargers in.

Rivalry of the Decade, sure. Or just Game Of The Year Of The Month, I guess. It's actually a week late. Really. Hey, look, Laurence Maroney's contributing. Is that an Isaiah Stanback sighting? Great throw on the touchdown to Moss, though I do wonder why they're not picking on the Colts' corners. Uh-oh. Brady's going off now. I actually benched Dallas Clark this week in my fantasy league because I knew the Patriots would try to take him out of the game and they have. Nice job by Bethea to make up for getting beaten by Moss earlier. These are the two guys you'd least expect to throw effectively back-to-back interceptions. Laurence Maroney, ladies and gentlemen! It still stuns me that the Dolphins willingly gave Wes Welker to the Patriots. Hmmm. Didn't see the pass interference on Butler so I can't comment. I do know that these Colts are never to be counted out any more. Why did the Pats just burn two time outs inside of three minutes with the lead? Ohhhhh they just dodged a bullet – Powers had that picked off and dropped it. Wait... are they actually going for this? Oh my God. I don't agree with this at all. Especially if that's the play you come up with – you can't leave any margin for error in this situation. ZOMG THEY'RE OUT OF TIME OUTS AND CAN'T CHALLENGE. (Not that it would have been overturned.) That doesn't happen to them either. What is going on? You know what else that shows is that the Patriots can't run the ball. And of course, two plays later the Colts are at the 1. TOUCHDOWN! Nice save, Reggie. That almost took too much time. Here's two things I didn't know: 1) The Colts have won five of the last six games against the Patriots; 2) It's the first time Belichick's Patriots have had a 13-point lead in the fourth quarter and lost.

You want to know what I think. So here's what I think. I've seen the metrics; I've read about the probability analysis, and I still think going for it was bad for two reasons. First, the play they ran was atrocious. Every single route needed to be five yards. How many times did John Madden say it over the last 10 years – you don't run a pass pattern that doesn't get you past the first-down marker on third (or fourth) down. And the second thing is that there was no guarantee that the Patriots would have been able to run out the clock had they made it – the Colts still had a time out and the clock would have been stopped for the two-minute warning. And yet... the Barry Switzer decision was still worse because he did it twice. (Colts 35, Patriots 34)

I see the Browns have dragged the Ravens down into their own morass. Are they the worst football team in Ohio? Would Mount Union throw down on them? I want to know. The difference between this and Bengals-Steelers is that those offenses were at least trying. Oh, look, there's another nail in Willis McGahee's coffin. Brady Quinn's not good. But none of his teammates are, either. (Ravens 16, Browns 0)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (5-5, W1): It was a sluggish week league-wide, really. Beat Jet on the few points Josh Cribbs got me before he got soul-wrecked on the last play Monday night. But the Ronnie Brown injury has me in dire straits. Moves are being explored. Two games separate third place and 11^th.

JackSux 6 (8-2, W4): We're rolling along at 8-2 after beating Dupin's squad, who had a lot of guys have bad days and he didn't have a whole lot of other options.

Lincoln Continentals (8-2, W2): Looks like the cure for what ailed the Titans defense was whatever the Bills call an offense these days, as the unit somehow got me half my point total.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (9-0) – That was also a bit too close

2. Indianapolis (9-0) – They should really rejigger Eli's watch commercial and put Peyton in it instead

3. Minnesota (8-1) – Effective, if not impressive

4. Cincinnati (7-2) – Forging a new identity yet again

BOTTOM 4

29. Detroit (1-8) – At least there's something resembling hope here. These next three...

30. Buffalo (3-6) – How did this motley crew win three games?

31. Oakland (2-7) – Turning it over to a guy who couldn't make the Buccaneers' roster

32. Cleveland (1-8) – Would lose to Quinn's best Notre Dame team, and those teams weren't that great

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 9: The No-Cigar Zone

Signal Finder: BAL @ CIN, AZ @ CHI, GB @ TB (2^nd half), SD @ NYG

Maybe someday, Houston Texans. Maybe someday. (Colts 20, Texans 17)

Cardinals-Bears? WEAKSAUCE. Oh, you can't do that. Marino, later: “Maybe he oughta try hitting Kurt Warner instead.” Check out the Cardinals actually running the ball well here. Nice adjustment by Olsen on the first touchdown. Where were these Cardinals last week? This Bears defense is getting used and abused and Fitzgerald should be paying Charles Tillman tolls. Oh, I thought Fitzgerald had stepped into the end zone, not just swung the ball around the pylon. I didn't know the Cardinals had switched to a 3-4. That reverse to Breaston looked like it was doomed from the start. Anthony Becht lives! And this is officially a beatdown. LOL at Fitzgerald helping Tillman up. It's the least he could do, I suppose. (Cardinals 41, Bears 21)

You have to wonder how much of a difference coordinators really make because the Ravens' defense just isn't the same this year. They're cutting themselves to pieces with penalties on top of it too. That's not a good spot and... the Ravens are challenging it. They should win this one. Yep. That's the biggest gain they've made on offense today, I think. I told you last year that Hall and Joseph were the two best players on what was then a bad Bengals' defense, and the rest of the unit has caught up this year. (Bengals 17, Ravens 7)

I'm disappointed this wasn't the targeted curbstomping we usually get from Brady whenever someone disses him as pointedly as Joey Porter did. (Patriots 27, Dolphins 17)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That... Oh, Wait, You Didn't: Jaguars 24, Chiefs 21)

Creamsicles! Bucco Bruce! That was not an era worth celebrating. You really can't let a quarterback fake you out with a move like that. Did I hear that right? Rodgers has steel plates in his shoes? Forcing Smith to cut back inside on the kickoff return pretty much saved that one. I honestly have little recollection of Freeman playing in college and wasn't sure why he was so highly regarded but he's done some good things that I've seen. Hmmm. I think you go for it. I mean, you haven't won a game yet. Touchdown! And then the Packers don't bother covering Clayton on the two-point conversion afterward. You know who's bad is Daryn Colledge. I also didn't realize the Packers had lost seven of eight here. Jebus. Cadillac: “We won!” (Buccaneers 38, Packers 28)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Larry Johnson; 2. Tommie Harris; 3. DeAngelo Hall; 4. Charles Tillman; 5. Kris Brown

This is the first time Rivers and Eli have faced off, yes? That was... strange. Coughlin's all “What happened?” and he still might not know. It looked like Tynes hitched, then just stopped and nobody knew what to do next. The Giants are committing bad penalties like it's 2005. At least their defense is holding up. Did Smith even catch that? This is big. I'm also not sure the Giants know it wasn't a first down. That's an awful lot of time to put back on the clock. That didn't go well at all for the Chargers. Hey, Kevin Boss is back. Oh, that'll be that then. Wait, what? Why aren't the Giants going for the end zone? They blew an opportunity there – this game should be over. You know who's (finally) good is Vincent Jackson. Seriously, he's having a big year and he was much more open than he should have been. Lights Out, indeed. (Chargers 21, Giants 20)

100! If the Cowboys don't come out spitting fire and brimstone then they've got serious heart problems. Fokou? Oh, right, Gocong's out. I should have known that. You gotta catch that, Maclin. It's hard to throw a ball too high for Miles Austin to catch it but Romo's done it twice already. Oh, crap. Peters is hurt again? At least Herremans is back to slide over to left tackle. I liked McNabb's thoughtful pose in that “Under His Wings” graphic about the young guys. Now both teams appear to be having protection problems. Hobbs' reaction when he turned around and saw the flag was priceless. And by the way, thanks for that graphic about both of Reid's losses to the Cowboys in Philadelphia coming in prime time. The seams have been open all night, especially for the Cowboys. Wait, what? Oh, this is the same thing with Eli from the Giants game last year. Fokou's not having a good night. Wow, that was not a good throw by Romo. Peters didn't move! McNabb really should have gone somewhere else on the second pick – Maclin was too well-covered. Now we're getting into the drudgery. OK, looking at this replay, I don't see how McNabb didn't get that. Wow. That's gonna hurt. Well, you knew the Cowboys were going to try to find Austin again at some point. This is a much harder call than Al and Cris seem to believe it is. Fourth and 11, down 7, under six minutes left, and your only real choices are punting or a 52-yard field goal. That didn't look good and I'm surprised Akers made it. Well, that sucked. When's the last time the Eagles won on Sunday night? (Cowboys 20, Eagles 16)

Ty Law arriving on Friday and playing is oddly hilarious. Tirico: “We've been here longer than him.” And Ryan Clark is... not playing. Not that that's a surprise. That's the first interception Orton's thrown to a defensive back all year, believe it or not. Hey, it's the Broncos' other first-round pick. I'M MIKE WALLACE. And this just in: the Pittsburgh Steelers have scored an offensive touchdown again. Not surprised to see Parker get some run tonight – I imagine you have to rest everybody at altitude. That said, Mendenhall's pretty much earned his spot as the guy right now. Did Hines Ward just jump over Champ? He sure did. Well, that'll be that. (Steelers 28, Broncos 10)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (4-5, L3): Even after all these years, you still can't leave points on the bench against Sven. Even if they're Greg Olson's two garbage-time touchdowns in the second half of the Cardinals' blowout. I'd started Dallas Clark, who had 12 catches but didn't score on any of them, and I lost by seven.

Jacksux6 (7-2, W3): This is a welcome change – the running backs lead the way for once as both Turner and Addai score twice and get me 65 total points.

Lincoln Continentals (7-2, W1): And the same thing here as Mendenhall basically carries me. I'm in a five-way tie for first.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (8-0) – Broke Panthers' home hex

2. Indianapolis (8-0) – Just like last week, you gotta win games like that one

3. Minnesota (7-1) – How did Favre injure his groin on his week off? Wait, don't answer that...

4. (tie) New England (6-2) – Don't look now, but...

4. (tie) Denver (6-2) – Offense struggles for second straight week

BOTTOM 4

29. Detroit (1-7) – Johnny: “OK, THIS cracks me up: The Lions get spotted 17 points – AND STILL LOSE.”

30. Kansas City (1-7) – Tearing the rest of it down one brick at a time

31. Washington (2-6) – Hall's sideline throwdown most fight they've shown all year

32. Cleveland (1-7) – Didn't play, didn't notice the difference

Out and Back: Five Guys

The thing about the Internet is this: Word travels fast. Information and ideas fly around the world instantaneously. You can ask anybody anywhere about anything and somebody will be able to give you an answer or an opinion or whatever it is you're after. So that's how I first heard good things about Washington D.C.-based Five Guys Burgers and Fries.

But with all the speed of information comes a lot of hype. And hype gets especially magnified on the Internet, because everybody has an opinion about everything on and off the Internet. And you find yourself asking: Can it really be that good? Or that bad?

Enough of my babbling. Let's go eat!

If you can't go to the source, at least know where the source is.

There are bags of potatoes stacked on pallets when you walk in. I feel like it's a statement of some kind.

Time for my poison. Bacon cheeseburger with pickles, onions (diced, not grilled) and A-1. Now here's an important point: At Five Guys, every burger is automatically a double, with two patties instead of one, so you need to be prepared for that. The menu's very simple: burgers, hot dogs and fries. That's it. Five Guys can't be bothered with gimmicks.

Just like anywhere else, you place your order, then get your drinks, condiments, whatever. Then you can hang back and snack on some of these while you wait:



They used to put these on the tables in metal vessels, but now, at least at the one I go to, they stack boxes of peanuts on top of the trash cans with the paper trays and scoops.

Everything's open behind the counter so you can watch them work on the food. Sort of. The view isn't actually that great but you can hear and smell everything. When the burger's done, they wrap in it foil, dump the fries into a styrofoam cup (and toss some more in for good measure) and throw the whole thing into a brown paper bag. No frills, no fuss. OLD SCHOOL.

No, really. I don't love you just because of your looks.

Invariably, half of the fries - and that's no exaggeration - will fall out of the cup and end up at the bottom of the bag. They're cut from real potatoes, but they're not always crispy, though they're always tender on the inside.

"Look at it. LOOK AT MY BURGER!"

If only they used sliced onions instead of diced. Other than that, I haven't had a better burger that I didn't make myself and I'm not convinced I've made a better burger by myself. Just the right amount of juiciness, with a slight bit of char. Even with two patties, it's not hard to eat at all. I should point out that it's a bit pricey, but I'll pay it every time.

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 8: Shuffle and Repeat

Signal Finder: NYG @ PHI, MIN @ GB, OAK @ SD, CAR @ AZ (end)

I feel like I've seen this before. Different shade of blue, though. Leonard Weaver lives! I know I've seen this before. The extra point got blocked? It's an epidemic. That's the second week in a row where Jackson's somehow been left ridiculously wide open. How does that happen more than once? I also didn't realize that the Giants haven't had Ross all year in addition to Phillips being out. Meanwhile Eli's overthrowing people by 10 yards. Interception! This is getting ugly. Nice catch by Maclin.

Did we really need a shot of Brett Favre arriving at the stadium?

That's not a lateral. Oh, it wasn't even a fumble? Even better. That's why Jason Babin hasn't played all year. Just back away slowly next time. They're not gonna blow this, are they? Apparently not. Really? Down 23 and you're trying a 47-yard field goal? And not making it? One down, one to go. How YOU doin'? (Eagles 40, Giants 17)

FAKE FIELD GOAL! Hey, why not, right? Remember when we were talking about this game possibly being the end of the Lions' losing streak? (Rams 17, Lions 10)

Yeah, those are mostly boos. There are a few cheers, but... yeah. I also find it interesting that even though the Vikings came out as a team, he was last. At least the Packers getting the ball first gave the fans a break to catch their breath. Ahman Green? Really? I see Childress has learned his lessons from last week. But it doesn't work the second time! Even so, we've now reached the worst-case scenario for Packer fans – Brett Favre, as a Viking, in Lambeau, engineering a beatdown. You know who's good is Aaron Rodgers. You know who'd be better with a healthy offensive line is also Aaron Rodgers. One of my favorite things about sports has always been guys like Spencer Havner – a three-year practice-squadder and converted linebacker turning into a secret weapon. Uh-oh. We've seen the Vikings' defense let down like this at key points in games before. Friends, this is officially interesting. They are going to try to tackle Peterson, right? Oh, never mind. So is this story over finally? Please? (Vikings 38, Packers 26)

This just in: JaMarcus Russell has thrown another interception. No, really. Somewhere in Tennessee, Lane Kiffin is smoking a cigar and saying, “I told you so.” Butch: “The last time the Raiders beat the Chargers the successful Cyrus was Billy Ray.” I must confess: This game was on here but I watched maybe 45 seconds of it. (Chargers 24, Raiders 16)

This'll be interesting, sure, even though the Falcons' biggest problem on defense plays right into the Saints' hands. Or maybe because of that. You know, this also happened last week. Saints doin' what they do. Well, except for that. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I'm not sure how much attention Jeremy Shockey's revival is getting but it's important to note. That happened fast. So did that. This game isn't really over yet, y'know? I mean, it really isn't. It's going to end, right? Right? I'm not kidding; I turned to this after the baseball game ended and it was about midnight and there were still two minutes left. Onside kick! Did they get it? They got it! Did someone touch it? Oh, OK. Oh, look, a Darren Sharper interception. That's never happened before. (Saints 35, Falcons 27)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa (4-4, L2): A flat week all around as I lose to Nate by two points when a running game of any kind would have given me a win.

JackSux6 (6-2, W2): Ted Ginn's Bench-Riding Redemption indirectly helped me, as I got credited with the two return touchdowns for the Dolphins defense and special teams and beat Johnny – who had Chris Johnson – by seven.

Lincoln Continentals (6-2, L1): Did something unusual: forgot to set my lineup and ended up with two players on open weeks. It didn't matter, as I still lost by 56, but it's the principle of the thing.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (7-0) – Is 11 in the cards?

2. Indianapolis (7-0) – You gotta win games like that one

3. Minnesota (7-1) – Another hiccup, but they've survived so far

4. Denver (6-1) – This is the Broncos team we all feared we'd see

BOTTOM 4

29. Kansas City (1-6) – I mean, it's not like Larry Johnson's helping them or anything

30. Washington (2-5) – I think “I-23” is actually in their snap count

31. Tampa Bay (0-7) – Extra week of prep for Freeman

32. Cleveland (1-7) – Offense has been outscored by the Saints. ...DEFENSE.

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 7: Day of Destruction

Signal Finder: MIN @ PIT, NE vs. TB @ Wembley, ATL @ DAL, NO @ MIA (end)

Well, one longtime power got upset today; can another one be far behind? Um... no. I should really be having fish and chips while sitting through this. I'm disappointed in myself. Hey, a Josh Freeman sighting. Yeah, it looks like it's time. (Patriots 35, Buccaneers 7)

This is playing out the way it probably should be playing out so far. Aaaaaand the Vikings' defense is collapsing at the end of a half again. I'M MIKE WALLACE. As soon as he caught it I knew he was going in. Favre seems to be targeting Rice to the exclusion of all others. I don't love the play calling down here. You have the best back in the league; I think you have to run it at least twice. One play-action pass is fine, but two pass plays? Dubious. Rice didn't catch that? I thought he caught that. Oh, there we go. Wait, what? And it's LaMarr Woodley and six of his closest friends. I still haven't seen the play where the alleged tripping occurred so I won't pass judgment. It's not over, though – here comes Percy Harvin with the kickoff. And it's definitely not over after Mendenhall fumbled while trying to jump over one of his linemen. Harvin's shoulder's going to be a problem all season. Didn't we JUST see this? Yeah, that'll be that. You gotta catch that, Taylor. (Steelers 27, Vikings 17)

There's another aspect of the Browns' quarterback situation that no one seems to have brought up: Mangini inherited both of these guys and might not actually like either of them. (Packers 31, Browns 3)

Speaking of quarterbacks, looks like it's Round 2 for Alex Smith. (Texans 24, 49ers 21)

If I'm a Cowboys defender I think long and hard about trying to make a stop on third down sometime during this drive. Or... not. Whatever. It's mind-boggling how little they've gotten out of Roy Williams. I thought he was going to be better than Fitzgerald coming out of college and he's dropped two of the easiest catches ever. Seriously, PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Actually, that hadn't been a problem for the Falcons until today. Hey it's that Miles Austin guy again. He went to Monmouth? How about that. The Cowboys should be throwing down the field with the Falcons' pass defense issues. Boy, this turned around in a hurry. (Cowboys 37, Falcons 21)

The thing is, Cedric Benson has either forgotten or just doesn't realize that all the things he got bashed for while he was with the Bears... were true. And that's what makes this somehow even more compelling. We were trying to think of another player whose career improved after voluntarily joining the Bengals. The best we could do was Jon Kitna when he was the starter in Carson Palmer's rookie year. Also, Jay Cutler was bad today. But he wasn't playing defense. Although... (Bengals 45, Bears 10)

James Brown: “What is JaMarcus Russell missing?” The Rest Of The NFL Today Crew: start laughing And if “Bruce Gradkowski” is the answer, I don't want to know what the question is. (Jets 38, Raiders 0)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Bills 20, Panthers 9

So is Boldin playing or not? The visor's usually not a good sign. Oh, all right then. Is Wells really still going by 'Beanie'? Come on; you're a grown man and 'Chris' is a fine name. Um... OOPS. That certainly wasn't DRC's intent. Are the Cardinals ahead here? Wow. They've never had any real success in the Meadowlands (or anywhere, really.) I'm half-paying attention because of Game 6 but every time I look up the Cardinals have the ball. What happened to the Giants? I never thought they'd lose two in a row, and certainly not these two. And just as important: are the Cardinals, of all teams, trying to break the curse? They are back in first place. (Cardinals 24, Giants 17)

That's more like it. People were actually up in arms last week that the Eagles traded Brandon Gibson to get Witherspoon. Yes, really. I hope those two plays silenced their concerns. G-56! (Obligatory Bingo reference.) Did they forget to cover Jackson again? He was ridiculously open there. Oh, that's not good. I wasn't really paying attention at first and thought it was Westbrook's brother who was down because 'Brian' and 'Byron' sound ridiculously alike. Cooley's down? Wow. The Redskins' offense is basically dead now – he's their best player at this point. This is depressing to watch in a way. I mean, I didn't think the Redskins would be good this year, but I had no idea their offense would be this bad. Like the Raiders, they can play a little defense but they can't move the ball at all. It's one thing to hear about it, but quite another to see it. (Eagles 27, Redskins 17)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa (4-3, L1): A weird game from Drew Brees (Three interceptions? Two rushing touchdowns?) and Hines Ward and Willie Parker not even getting me a point combined led me to get stomped by 52 by Hijo Atomicoooo~! Fun fact: Two of my running backs have all but lost their starting jobs.

JackSux6 (5-2, W1): Halfway through the schedule and we're in first place by ourselves after beating the Lunatics in a first-place showdown.

Lincoln Continentals (6-1, W4): Welcome back, Wes Welker. Not that you really went anywhere, but still.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (6-0) – At halftime, I said, “They have the offense to come back” and they did

2. Indianapolis (6-0) – Seems like they're under the radar, which I'm sure they're OK with

3. Denver (6-0) – Players actually didn't want week off, and who can blame them?

4. Minnesota (6-1) – A slight tumble

BOTTOM 4

29. Washington (2-5) – Worse when you see it live

30. Tampa Bay (0-7) – Clearly not used to flying east

31. St. Louis (0-7) – At least they held Peyton under 300 yards. “LET'S BUILD ON THAT!”

32. Cleveland (1-6) – Not exactly swimming in options

----------------
Listening to: Bitter:Sweet - The Mating Game
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 6: Lines of Demarcation

Signal Finder: BAL @ MIN, BUF @ NYJ, PHI @ OAK

So who's the Redskins' backup quarterback? It's still Todd Collins? Yeesh. (Chiefs 14, Redskins 6)

What's happened to the Ravens' defense? Seems like they've lost some teeth with Rex and Bart Scott leaving maybe. After sputtering at the start, the Ravens' offense is getting something going thanks to some random Vikings foolishness. This may actually be Favre's best game so far – I haven't seen a truly horrible throw yet. And now the Ravens are getting some big-time plays – Ray Rice seems to be putting nails into Willis McGahee's coffin by the week. We also learned on that play that there are only about six guys left in the league who can tackle. I mean, the Ravens aren't supposed to score points that quickly. Childress needs to be yelling at his defense, which has been embarrassed on three touchdown drives today. Jebus. Drive safely, everybody. Are you kidding me? That one never had a chance. (Vikings 33, Ravens 31)

The Lions in Lambeau? Yeah, whatever. (Packers 26, Lions 0)

I'm very upset that I didn't get to see this one. The really impressive stat from this game to me: the Giants didn't sack Brees once. They didn't even get close to him. And when a guy's got all day to throw and all those guys to throw to, you can't cover them all forever. That's just math. (Saints 48, Giants 27)

Russell drops back and that's a recipe for disaster. Although this one wasn't his fault. I just saw that, didn't I? Ouch! Murphy just took out two guys and Miller just followed the blocks all the way to the end zone. This is how it happens. The Raiders just got jobbed out of another touchdown – that wasn't pass interference at all. Winston Justice is looking at what's happening to King Dunlap and having flashbacks. You know who's good is Zach Miller. You know who's really good is Richard Seymour. How many more guys are the Eagles going to lose? How about that pigeon just chilling on the field? The Eagles are just getting punched in the mouth repeatedly, and yet I still feel like there's something big coming. You know that tension you feel when you're filling up a balloon and you feel like it's going to pop, but it doesn't? It's kind of like that. I mean, they'll win this game if they manage to score a touchdown. But that's not going to happen, is it. I also blame Antonio Pierce. I'm glad John Madden enjoyed this one. Because I didn't. (Raiders 13, Eagles 9)

I was going to say “Looks like the Jets came crashing back to Earth” but that'd be wildly inappropriate. I feel like nobody really wanted to win this game. (Bills 16, Jets 13, OT)

This... this... I think I used up all the words I had to describe this when it was happening every week two years ago. Driving in to work, I picked this game up on the radio just before halftime and the announcers were talking about how just about everyone on the Titans had made a crippling mistake. Then the punter shanked one off his foot and it went about six yards. Can the Pats take a knee to start the second half? Is anybody else watching at this point? Is there precedent for the away market to get switched to a different game? Because no one in Tennessee needs to see any more of this. Maybe Vince Young can play defense. (Patriots 59, Titans 0)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Any Tennessee Titan; 2-4. Jim Zorn; 5-15. A member of the Chargers' kick coverage units; 16. Dante Wesley (Seriously, you can't do that.)

Fisticuffs! You heard? And clearly the Broncos are still angry over their Week 17 chokeout here last year that led to everything that's happened. I'm not sure Royal was touched on that kickoff return. Were his feet inbounds? looks closer All right, I'll take it. Is this off a punt? You're kidding me, right? The Chargers should sign the pigeon from the Raiders game. Or just have Sproles try doing the same thing. I'm getting that same feeling again I had for the Eagles game where it could break at any moment. Wait, they called that a touchdown? I don't think so. I'd like to join the crow-eating hordes now, please. (Broncos 34, Chargers 23)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (4-2, W2): Brees is back, putting up 39 for the aPa Seagulls this week as we just held on to beat Scott by a little more than a point.

JackSux 6 (4-2, L1): Despite getting 32 from Wes Welker and having everyone score in double digits, I still lost because Russ got 36 from Moss and 26 from Hines Ward to beat me by seven.

Lincoln Continentals (5-1, W3): You tend to like your chances when you're playing a team with a baseball-related name.

RANKINGS

TOP 4

1. New Orleans (5-0) – Why, yes, this was a statement game. Why do you ask?

2. Indianapolis (5-0) – Recharging the batteries

3. Denver (6-0) – Anyone who saw this coming is LYING

4. Minnesota (6-0) – A little luck never hurts

BOTTOM 4

29. Washington (2-4) – Once-proud franchise now national punchline

30. Tampa Bay (0-6) – Lost to those guys

31. St. Louis (0-6) – Getting closer? Probably not

32. Cleveland (1-5) – You know it's bad when Rolling Stone is taking shots at you

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 5: The Worst of the Best

UFL notes: These are some of the worst color schemes I've ever seen. ... In case you were wondering, J.P. Losman still isn't all that good. ... Overtime rules: each team gets one possession, then it becomes sudden death. They're getting closer. ... How about Kordell Stewart as a sideline reporter interviewing Denzel Washington? That's about ten different streams crossing there. Also, Denzel will be the most famous person on any UFL field for at least three years.

Signal Finder: TB @ PHI, PIT @ DET (end), CLE @ BUF (end), NE @ DEN

Would this qualify as a trap game? I'm not sure because Andy's never lost this one. Besides, what would the trap be? Going to Oakland next week? Please. Welcome to the show, Mr. Maclin. I don't recognize any of these people playing for the Buccaneers. This Johnson guy's got a good arm on him. Too bad he doesn't have anyone besides the Soldier to catch balls. Sure, why not. You're 0-4 and going to suck all year probably. CAN WE GET A STOP ONE TIME. Oh, OK. What? Eh, if you say so. Let's go down and get the touchdown anyway. In addition to Al Davis, I'd also like to thank the Cleveland Browns for allowing us the services of Jeremy Maclin. Seriously, you don't think the Browns could've used him? Back to the present: how will the Bucs not score this time? Never mind. Where's the ball? OMG. The left tackle? This could get comedically disastrous. I think Samuel just bounced off him. Well, so much for that. The Eagles really are blitzing this kid like it's going out of style, and rightly so, probably. The Bucs have been getting killed by the big play all year, and today was no exception. (Eagles 33, Buccaneers 14)

Here's the thing: Normally when a key player's status is in question, there won't be a line on the game. Eli was listed as questionable all week and the Giants were still favored by 15. I don't expect Eli to be in very long. LOL at Boomer's “we're contractually obligated to show these highlights” line. (Giants 44, Raiders 7)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: It's like I'm looking at a bad team and a better version of the same bad team. If that makes any sense. Are the Chiefs actually ahead here? Cowboys fans have been talking up Miles Austin for about four years while the rest of us waited for him to actually do something. He'd become the Houston Texans of individual players. And he finally came through today. Though it should not have come to that. (Cowboys 26, Chiefs 20, OT)

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Browns 6, Bills 3

Wait, are the Browns playing again? What are those things? They really are going all out with the AFL tribute thing, especially with the Patriots calling themselves “Boston” for this game. I do like the hat on that one Broncos' PR guy. That pass hit Welker right in the back. I just noticed that the Patriots have not scored since halftime. Brandon Marshall does it again! See, this is how you get paid. You see the benefits of shutting up and playing? Wow, Brady missed Moss big-time there. He's had bad games before just like everybody else, but I don't ever remember him being so inconsistent. Oooovertime. This isn't a lock. Well, now it is. So instead of a brief, awkward hug that would have been psychoanalyzed to death by the woefully under-qualifiedd, Belichick and McDaniels agreed to just give each other a courtesy wave afterwards, and now McDaniels is in the end zone doing his best Tiger Woods impression. What a bizarre game. (Broncos 20, Patriots 17, OT)

Seriously, it's high time for Vince Young, Round 2, isn't it? I mean, it's not Kerry Collins's fault, but this season's over. (Colts 31, Titans 9)

Hey, a Marc Anthony sighting. Gloria Estefan still looks good, by the way. Is that Ricky Williams going off? Edwards is playing? Interesting. Fake punt~~~~~ Okay, how do you fall for it the second time? Chad Henne is picking the Jets' defense apart, and that's not a sentence I expected to write this year. Nice catch by Edwards, who's fitting in well so far despite the fact that he's down at the 1 here. SPEED! Can't anybody here hold a lead? I'm sorry, that's not pass interference. This certainly isn't the game I was expecting to see. What's crazy about this is that the Ravens defense – which Rex was in charge of – completely squashed the Wildcat in their playoff game last year. Why is Rex still looking at the clock? TOUCHDOWN. (Dolphins 31, Jets 27)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (3-2, W1): Sure, Carson Palmer had a lousy game. But you know who didn't? Ronnie Brown. The Vikings' defense. And Andre Johnson (Desperation fourth-quarter touchdowns~~~~).

JackSux 6 (4-1, W1): That's better. Peyton basically only needed to show up for me to beat Rob. And he did – to the tune of three more touchdowns and over 41 points.

Lincoln Continentals (4-1, W2): Won again despite leaving 68 points on the bench in Ahmad Bradshaw and Glen Coffee, of all people.

RANKINGS:

TOP 4:

1. N.Y. Giants (5-0) – Big test next week

2. New Orleans (4-0) – Rested and ready for G-Men

3. Indianapolis (5-0) – Seriously, Peyton can't be stopped right now

4. Minnesota (5-0) – Favre might be right about his “best team ever” comment

BOTTOM 4:

29. Tampa Bay (0-5) – Things might get better eventually

30. Kansas City (0-5) – Had a chance, but just aren't good enough

31. St. Louis (0-5) – This... this is gonna take a while

32. Cleveland (0-5) – Clearly a seller's market

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 4: Aged Like Fine Cheese

Signal Finder: NYG @ KC, NYJ @ NO, DAL @ DEN

If you have NFL RedZone, you could have heard this: Rich Gannon questioned the Bengals calling time out before their game-winning field goal attempt, saying “That leaves just enough time for the Browns' Joshua Cribbs to run the kickoff back for a touchdown.” Oh really? Mr. Gannon, I believe you know Mr. McNabb and Mr. Ward; have a seat. We... have something to discuss. (Bengals 23, Browns 20, OT)

PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I mean, it's bad enough that you're a terrible team. You can't do THAT. It's almost as if the two Steve Smiths switched bodies or something. I see the Chiefs haven't gotten any faster. Or stronger, as Jacobs just ran over three guys. What the heck was Eli jumping for? The play before the touchdown pass to Nicks (which he had no business scoring on, by the way) he jumps before pump-faking again and missing Smith, then he reaches down and grabs his foot. Why did he jump? Who knows. The Chiefs' playcalling down here is pretty atrocious. How did THAT work? Not only did the protection completely fall apart and Cassel almost got taken down twice, but Wade and the other guy almost collided. If they had, it would have seemed... somehow appropriate. (Giants 27, Chiefs 16)

Butch: “Did Steve McNair's girlfriend put a bullet in the whole goddamn franchise? WTF?” Seriously, does what's happened here make any sense? Albert Haynesworth wasn't that important, was he? crosses off Titans (Jaguars 37, Titans 17)

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Redskins 16, Buccaneers 13

Why don't the Broncos have their name or logo or something in the end zones? Nobody else plays there. The Cowboys sure are doing a good job of letting the Broncos hang around. I mean, can Romo overthrow any more receivers? OOOOH. Roy got lit up by whoever that was. OK, let's break down the Marshall touchdown: He jumps over Newman's back and picks the ball off his head. Then he turns and runs across the field into the rest of the Cowboys' secondary. He breaks a tackle, then reverses field and outruns five guys to the end zone. Look, I know Hurd made that big catch for you earlier, but why are you throwing to him twice down by the end zone? With Champ Bailey covering him, no less? Isn't that why you people pay Jason Witten? Champ's still got it. (Broncos 17, Cowboys 10)

Ah, the classic matchup. That's how Darren Sharper rolls. Remember how I said the Saints' defense only needed to be better than last year's for them to be dangerous? Well, this Saints' defense is better than last year's, and the classic matchup has been reversed. Sanchez looks like a guy with four career starts, but you knew this was going to happen at some point. (Saints 24, Jets 10)

I'm going to condense all of the analysis, both good and bad, you've heard about this game down into 10 words: You know why the Steelers won? Because they had to. (Steelers 38, Chargers 28)

Here's the other thing: Favre going into Lambeau in Vikings purple is – legitimately – a much, MUCH bigger deal than this. You know who hasn't done much so far is Adrian Peterson. And that won't help the cause. Someone please explain to me why the Packers, of all teams, aren't rushing Favre. You'd think they'd know better than anyone else how to mess with his timing and consistency. Seriously, they're practically daring him to beat them and he's doing it. Conversely, Rodgers is getting crushed out there and it's surprising that the Packers are still sort of in this game despite that. Playing the role of Mark Clayton tonight will be... Donald Lee. Most bizarre replay challenge ever? I say yes. Favre: “Well, I guess you gotta be remembered for something.” This game ended up being the most-watched cable program in history, and when you consider it knocked the likes of "High School Musical 2" from the top spot, is that really the worst thing in the world? (Vikings 30, Packers 23)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL (2-2, L2): Johnny beat me on the strength of 39 points from the 49ers defense. This is what happens when you play the Rams.

JackSux6 (3-1, L1): Damn that Jared Allen. If Donald Driver catches one more pass I wipe out a huge deficit and beat Butch. Oh well.

Lincoln Continentals (3-1, W1): Beating Rob is always fun.

And now, one week later than usual, the debut of... RANKINGS! (I compromised. WITH MYSELF. I'm doing top and bottom four this year.)

TOP 4:

1. N.Y. Giants (4-0) – Development of WRs key to early surge

2. New Orleans (4-0) – Have won with offense and defense

3. Indianapolis (4-0) – In case you haven't noticed, Peyton's on fire

4. Minnesota (4-0) – Hard to argue after Monday night

BOTTOM 4:

29. Tampa Bay (0-4) – This was to be expected, but maybe not quite this bad

30. Kansas City (0-4) – Slow and stupid loses the race

31. St. Louis (0-4) – This... this is gonna take a while

32. Cleveland (0-4) – I'll tell you what, I'm gonna run out of things to say by Week 9 at this rate

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 3: The Dregs Rise to the Top

Signal Finder: KC @ PHI, TEN @ NYJ (end), CHI @ SEA, PIT @ CIN

Lions win! Theeeeeee... Lions win! The good news for Redskins fans is that this has to be the absolute nadir of the Daniel Snyder era. If his goal was to make that team completely irrelevant, mission accomplished. (Lions 19, Redskins 14)

No Westbrook either? Hmmm. The Chiefs are always a curious (and rare) watch – even during their runs in the '90s, I don't remember seeing them as much as other contending teams. Here comes DeSean! There goes DeSean! GOOD NIGHT EVERYBODY. I hope that No. 37 jersey is for Billy Campbell. Reggie Brown lives! Kolb's been clinging to Celek like grim death. You didn't make it! You know what I'm noticing right away? The Chiefs are slow. The NFL these days is a wide-open game, it's a speed game and these guys just can't keep up. Hey, there's something I'm not sure I've seen before on an open-field fumble – Mikell's teammates all jumped on him, I guess to make sure the ball didn't come out again. I can't overturn it based on that angle. The Eagles are running a lot of, not necessarily Wildcat stuff, but a lot of direct snaps to McCoy. I'd think they'd be doing it to take pressure off Kolb, but he's standing in the pocket and throwing and running the offense. The Chiefs... man, they're not good. Seven offensive penalties? Wow. Well, that was acceptable. Hey, the Eagles won before the bye week for the second straight year! That's, like, a record or something. (Eagles 34, Chiefs 14)

Deacon Jones probably slots in at No. 2 on my list of “Old Guys I'd Be Afraid To Mess With.” Clint is No. 1, obviously. Friends, there is some truly bad football being played in the state of Missouri. (Packers 36, Rams 17)

That's the first awesome thing Greg Lewis has done in seven years. Yeah, his feet are down. (Vikings 27, 49ers 24)

Line of the Week: Raheem Morris: “We got beat by a grown-man team.” Uh-huh. (Giants 24, Buccaneers 0)

crosses off Browns It's bad, people. And it's not going to get better. Line of the Week 2: Shannon Sharpe: “They looked worse on TV than they did when I saw them in person last week!” (Ravens 34, Browns 3)

MY EYES! MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING! And yet I'm still not sure these are worse than the Giants' red jerseys. Beautiful screen pass to Jones. Oh, he dodged a tackle. Holy crap he's gonna score. Seriously, if they just weren't so bright they wouldn't be that bad. Playing the role of Jeff Reed this week will be... Olindo Mare. Or maybe not. You know who's good is Jay Cutler. Did two Seahawks collide on the Hester touchdown? I hope no one else was harmed. (Bears 25, Seahawks 19)

I dislike T.O. as much as the next guy but he's 100 percent right on this – he was absolutely being set up there and he knew it. (Saints 27, Bills 7)

The touchdown pass to Parker reminded me of the Jones screen touchdown in the Seahawks game. The Steelers have left an awful lot of points on the field again – they should probably have at least 30. Carson looks like he's back and it's making a big difference. Well, except for all these overthrows. That's clutch right there. Brian Leonard! Can he keep his feet? And now they're missing by inches. Touchdown!!! I can't get over how unaffected Marvin looks. This should never have happened. (Bengals 23, Steelers 20)

I'm shocked the Wayne catch isn't getting reviewed. That's 21 points in seven minutes! PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. I don't think the “Beanie Wells is going to revive the Arizona running game” thing is gonna happen tonight. Just a hunch. (Colts 31, Cardinals 10)

ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz... oh, hey, Jake. What's up. Nice overthrow by Romo. How do you overthrow a guy who's 6-4? What is up with this goal-line play selection? A SACK! The Cowboys look like a different team in the second half. I don't think Steve Smith has been open all season long. I also don't think that second interception was Delhomme's fault. This was unfortunate. On all fronts. (Cowboys 21, Panthers 7)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa (2-1, L1): Wasn't expecting Brees to lay a three-point egg against the Bills, of all teams. But more notable is this: We had a tie. Nate and Scott tied at 74.17 in what has to be a first.

JackSux 6 (3-0, W3): Was trailing Dupin big-time late until his Colts bailed me out. Peyton, Addai and Wayne accounted for about half of my points.

Lincoln Continentals (2-1, L1): Thanks for nothing, Mario Manningham. You too, Joshua Cribbs. I knew you secretly sucked.