By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Small Stakes

Signal Finder: PHI @ NO, CLE @ CIN, MIA @ NE

McNabb's been running a lot more in the last month and has looked better doing it. Hey, somebody get that! Aaron Stecker? Twice? Really? Is this the Lions game again? I'm not sure Patten made it. And now is the time where the Eagles have yet another goal-line stand. Bradley's playing big today. Good thing his teammates reminded him he could run after the interception. Where was this all year? (Eagles 38, Saints 23)

I'd posit that the Packers' punter had a worse day that Favre. (Bears 35, Packers 7)

The Bengals' offense struggling to move the ball? The Bengals' defense making stops? What universe is this? Is this a replay? No? Wow. That's Testaverde-esque. All the good things the Browns have done in the last month are going up in smoke right here. How about throwing the ball down the field? Why are you RUNNING OUT OF BOUNDS? (Bengals 19, Browns 14)

Taylor just faked out five guys. Warren Sapp got tossed? The Silver and Black is BACK, ladies and gentlemen! (Jaguars 49, Raiders 11)

Troy Brown lives! Nice ovation. Way to shove Moss right into the path of the ball. Hell, great coverage all around. *rolls eyes* See the Maroney touchdown? There weren't even any officials downfield once he got past five yards. It's getting chippy out there already. I'd say something about giving the Dolphins second chances but let's be honest. You could even argue Brady's been off and these guys just can't capitalize. How does Lemon not dive for the corner there? Or at least make one more move back inside? What's he got to lose besides his job? That's why they're 1-13. This looked like it was gonna be a lot worse than what it ended up as. And even that wasn't very good. (Patriots 28, Dolphins 7)

Interesting that the rules on touchdowns and safeties in that situation are basically the opposite. That's a rare five-point swing. Wow. This is turning into a beatdown quickly. Jackson looks like a guy who's started 10 games, and Peterson hasn't done anything. That's a bad combination. Oh, hang on - the Redskins might be about to blow this against Jackson's arm, no less. The Redskins are hurrying to the line because Santana didn't catch that and they know it. FUMBLE! They're challenging the number of men on the field? That seems petty. Well, so much for that. (Redskins 32, Vikings 21)

What the hell? This also got out of hand in a hurry. The Broncos just are... not good. I'm not sure how this happened. (Chargers 23, Broncos 3)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL:CI: Won the 7th-place game.

JackSux 4: A postscript: Because Gates ended up winning his final regular-season game, Butch would have gotten knocked out if Yahoo hadn't changed the scoring. As it was, Butch lost to Rob in the finals. RIGGED.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England (15-0) - Really, three more to go
2. Dallas (13-2) - Slipping a bit?
3. Indianapolis (13-2) - Don't sleep

BOTTOM 3:
30. Baltimore (4-11) - Billick shouldn't survive this
31. Atlanta (3-12) - Pretty sure it can't get worse
32. Miami (1-14) - Dolphins caught in Tuna net

The Classics Never Die

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: Double Takes

Signal Finder: JAX @ PIT, GB @ STL, BAL @ MIA (end), PHI @ DAL

Think the Dolphins went back to Lemon because the Ravens are spiraling into oblivion? Tell me the reasoning didn't go exactly like this: "They still feel like they got screwed against the Patriots, then they got blown off the field by the Colts, they're missing both their corners and their best offensive player, and they've gotta come down here. This is our last shot." Well, I can certainly believe they're gonna blow this one. Oh my God. Did Billick just pull a Mike Martz and cut off his own team at the 1-yard line? You could tell that one wasn't gonna make it. Wow. Me, last week: "I don't know if they're losing to the Dolphins, though." Clearly, I deserve to be taken seriously. (Dolphins 22, Ravens 16, OT)

Remember how Billick saved his job last year by winning 13 games? That's kind of what Gruden's doing here. (Buccaneers 37, Falcons 3)

Why is Clemens making jump passes? And bad ones, at that? See, that's just rust on the part of the Patriots' punter. Oh, look, they're running the ball. It's like they're saying, "We'll beat you whatever way we feel like it." Look, be honest. Did you really think the Jets have a shot? I mean, really? It snows in Massachusetts ALL THE TIME! (Patriots 20, Jets 10)

Fred Taylor has over 10,000 yards? That's stunning to me. And he's running all over the Steelers, which doesn't happen to the Steelers. Nice weather, by the way. Was that Smith again? Jeez. Uh-oh, the Jags are having extra point issues. See, that's how you do that. That was an... interesting two-point play. Seriously, this doesn't happen to the Steelers. They've been studying that spot for five minutes. (Jaguars 29, Steelers 22)

Did three Rams just miss assignments? Jennings looked like he was fielding a kickoff. Oh, look, another Dan Marino record broken. (Packers 33, Rams 14)

I guess they didn't let anybody in until the fourth quarter. I don't know. (Panthers 13, Seahawks 10)

Draft positioning? Screw that. I want revenge. Hey, how about throwing a flag? Are you kidding me? That busted flea-flicker - that's what's known as going to the well one too many times. LOL at Brown jumping into the Salvation Army kettle to stop himself. Aaaand Witten's running wild again. DON'T RUN IT OUT WHAT THE - oh, Christ. Did Reid really just blow two time outs on a challenge? 'Sup, Jess. How you doin'? Isn't she older than him? Jason: "I thought he was dating Carrie Underwood." Me: "That was last year." I'm starting to worry about Akers. It's weird - the Cowboys are getting the occasional play here and there, but it doesn't seem like it's adding up to much. Gaither and Spikes have been blowing up the run game. Hey, a touchdown. Didn't think we'd see one of those the way this game's gone. Containing Ware would be nice. Roy really needs to stop doing that. Actually, guys, Romo was much, much worse in the Buffalo game. Buck reacted to the Dawkins interception like he wasn't sure he'd come up with it, and we couldn't tell either at full speed until we saw him running the other way. And Westbrook gets loose. How many times have we seen this at the end of games? Wait, did he STOP? That's actually tactically brilliant with the Cowboys having no time outs left. Think the Panthers are gonna invite Jessica to the game on Saturday night? (Eagles 10, Cowboys 6)

SING THE SONG. (Chargers 51, Lions 14)

I honestly thought Todd Collins retired two years ago. He's certainly throwing like it. That's a moronic penalty on Landry (after a great play) and Madden's losing it. All he has to do is turn around and he doesn't get flagged. Unreal. We haven't heard Plaxico's name a whole lot. Sure wish that could've happened last week. They seriously ran Eli's watch commercial three times in the first half. Ouch. Shockey's pissed. You know, the Redskins could still blow this. Oh, man, that drop by Toomer might have been the worst... he had Springs toasted. Eli's not gotten a whole lot of help tonight. They're not gonna fold again, are they? (Redskins 22, Giants 10)

What, no shot of the two Adrian Petersons shaking hands before the game or something? This is gonna be one of those games. I got that feeling. I don't get bringing in Wolfe in this spot either unless they want him to run between the linemen's legs or something. Nice tackling on the bomb to Ferguson, Bears! Ew. What an ugly snap. This is the best game Urlacher's had all year. No SPEED? The Bears are doing a good job holding Young Adrian Peterson down, and both these defenses are harassing the hell out of the quarterbacks. Stop kicking to Hester. Or even in his general direction. Seriously. Orton looks like a guy who hasn't played in two years. Little miscommunication there? Oh. Never mind then. Wow. That last bomb at the end was Rex-esque. (Vikings 20, Bears 13)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL:CI: What a choke job this was. No one but Palmer breaks 10? Gah. We're playing for sixth!

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England (14-0) - The line's only 23? I'm still kinda shocked
2. Dallas (12-2) - They can't be happy about that display
3. Green Bay (12-2) - Just to switch it up

BOTTOM 3:
30. St. Louis (3-11) - Games have two halves, guys
31. Atlanta (3-11) - What's that saying about rats and sinking ships?
32. Miami (1-13) - YAY

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Now playing: Metallica - Until It Sleeps
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Do Not, I Repeat, DO NOT Tug On Superman's Cape

Signal Finder: NYG @ PHI, DAL @ DET (end), SD @ TEN (end or regulation), PIT @ NE, CLE @ NYJ (end)

I'll remind you again: Trent Edwards won as many games last year as the Dolphins have won this year. (Bills 38, Dolphins 17)

Nice rundown by Dawkins. There goes Dawkins suplexing people again. Yeah, he's back. Well, that's gonna draw a challenge. What? Nice toss, Andy. Wow, that's close. You can't give Plaxico that much cushion. That's not the most inspired of cheerleading routines. Well, it's official: L.J. Smith is having the worst contract season of all time. WTF! Westbrook doesn't fumble! Wow. They haven't stopped Plaxico in three years. Yeah, this is basically the season right here. GAH! Seems like a strange video package to play when you've probably just won the game. Why'd you field that, Brian? Actually, Moose might be right. Wait, what? HUSTLE PLAYS. Akers can make this. NO!!!! crosses off Eagles (Giants 16, Eagles 13)

crosses off Lions Strahan and I were right, yo. (Cowboys 28, Lions 27)

You wanna know what's wrong with Vince Young? Look at his receivers. Good Lord. I gotta question him running smack-dab into Merriman, also. I don't get that Chargers goal-line sequence, either. Seriously, how did the Titans blow this when Norv Turner was prominently involved? And because Norv Turner was prominently involved... crosses off Titans (Chargers 23, Titans 17, OT)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1-6. All I know about this Anthony Smith is that he may be the dumbest man alive. And the problem the Steelers are gonna have is that their secondary, especially with Polamalu out, is the weakest part of their defense and has been for some time. Though the Steelers scoring first will help. A touchdown would've been better, though. Especially since the Patriots are just gonna go and do that. Pretty sure Brady was saying, "I'm sorry, who are you again?" Moss AGAIN? Jebus. How does Davenport get that far down the field? I'm a little worried about Gostkowski. That's certainly not how they drew that up. Props to Moss (I can't believe I just wrote that) for throwing it back to Brady. Wow, the Steelers ran that exact play last year? I had no idea. Well, so much for that. Belichick: "We've played against a lot better safeties than him." And Smith could have at least grown a set and stood behind his dumb-ass comments afterwards. You know, if Edge's voice was deeper, he'd sound just like Brady. Also, I'm officially opening the predictions window on what the opening line on Pats-Dolphins will be next Sunday night. (Patriots 34, Steelers 13)

FLEXED: Redskins-Vikings in, Bucs-49ers out for Week 16.

Yeah, this whole "pass all the time" thing is working for the Seahawks. Did anyone really believe the Cardinals had a chance to win this division? THEY'RE THE CARDINALS. (Seahawks 42, Cardinals 21)

Hey, way to bounce back, Ravens! These backup corners are getting destroyed. That safety's gonna screw up so many parlays. THIRTY! I'd say this isn't funny anymore but it really is. Collinsworth's line about the Pats putting in an NBA scoreboard was pretty good. Can he do that, say, 11 more times? Because that'll probably be all the Ravens get tonight. Actually, Al, I'm not at all surprised that Sorgi has a better career passer rating than Peyton. I don't think the Colts even carry a third QB. Madden's not a crab cake fan? That surprises me. Troy Smith lives! Wow, Madden just said that Boller isn't good enough. Granted, we've known this for at least three years, but for a talking head to come out and actually say something like that... I don't know if they're losing to the Dolphins, though. (Colts 44, Ravens 20)

So Chris Redman followed the Tommy Maddox path and sold insurance for two years? Awesome. A dead, under-capacity crowd at an Atlanta pro sports event? That's never happened before. That's a good drive by the Saints. That story about Dunn and the guy who killed his mother is nuts. LOL at Tirico complaining about Atlanta traffic. "It's always like this." Seems like the road team almost always wins this matchup. (Saints 34, Falcons 14)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL:CI: Three points, Carson Palmer? Three points? Against the Rams? You can piss right off. Needless to say, Jet kicked our asses. Onward to... the consolation bracket. And this was the good news...

JackSux 4: This you're not gonna believe. I had Butch beat. I was in. Then, Yahoo recalculated and gave the Vikings' defense an additional point. Butch started the Vikings' defense, and that gave him the point he needed to beat me. And because I lost, and Gates ended up winning his game by less than a point, I got knocked two days after the last game and Gates ended up getting in. Only to lose to Rob by 60. WTF, Chris. I could've done that.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England (13-0) - The path is officially clear
2. Dallas (12-1) - This makes me very sad
3. Indianapolis (11-2) - Marvin who?

BOTTOM 3:
30. Atlanta (3-10) - Feel the apathy
31. San Francisco (3-10) - Heading backwards
32. Miami (0-13) - They have to clear everybody out, right?

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Now playing: Rolling Stones, The - Sympathy For The Devil
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Slip-Ups, Slides and Spills

Signal Finder: SEA @ PHI, CLE @ AZ, NYG @ CHI

The weather sucked the last time the Seahawks were here. I blame them. OK, this "throwing on the first play of the game" thing... maybe let's not do that anymore. Getting one of those back would be nice. Shaun Alexander lives! Does no one cover the left side of the field on goal line situations anymore? I've seen a bunch of plays the last couple of weeks where there's just been no one over there. throws up hands intercepts Feeley pass Seriously. That's better. Why are they throwing the ball all the time in this crappy weather? That's for both sides I'm asking. And why can no one cover anything? He... did not make it. LOL Moose. This better work. Oh. Hey, didn't that happen at the beginning of the game? A contested touchdown. That's new. Well, that one blew up in the Eagles' faces. A.J. really needs to stop throwing into double coverage. Did somebody get a piece of that punt? Other than the Morris touchdown, the defenses have really bottled things up in the second half. Run it, A.J. RUN IT. There you go. Ack, too high. Hey, Westbrook's back on punt returns again. WTF A.J. Tatupu AGAIN?!?! Moose: "He must be invisible to Feeley." (Seahawks 28, Eagles 24)

Still don't think the Lions can blow this? (Vikings 42, Lions 10)

Were there really only 10 guys out there? Hmmm. Who is Fred Jackson? I think this is mostly both defenses playing inspired. 6-2? 14-5? And are the Bills actually going to pull this off? Yeah, that rule needs to be changed. I'm pretty sure you can't do it twice, though. How do you get from 2 to 17? Dear Lord. Seriously, this "the Redskins don't know what to do at the end of drives and games" thing has been going on for three years. The only surprise here is how it happened this time. (Bills 17, Redskins 16)

Did Derek Anderson watch the Eagles' game film? Or maybe the Cardinals' from last week? Who's calling this game with Dierdorf? It doesn't sound like Greg Gumbel. I don't know why Anderson's signaling touchdown - that's not even close. (Cardinals 27, Browns 21)

I see Eli's back in form. What is going ON today? That just happened in the Browns game. I'd say there's a Pac-10 thing going on here but Eli went to Ole Miss. There's a predictable end result. Hester needs to catch that. Seriously. Did Jacobs get hurt again last week and I'm just forgetting it? Eli's Citizen Eco-Drive commercial running during this game is hilarious. That... that's a throw that didn't need to be made. Seriously, Rex is outplaying him. Eli probably could've run that one in, but Mannings ... let's just say they've never made their money with their feet. I think that's a catch - I think it bounced up off of Toomer's hands. And I'm right. Did Eli win this game or did the Bears lose it? (Giants 21, Bears 16)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Luke McCown? Really? REALLY? (Buccaneers 27, Saints 23)

And when is the last time the McCown brothers both started an NFL game? Isn't that, like, the fifth sign or something? crosses off Broncos (Raiders 34, Broncos 20)

Which means the weather's also crappy in Pittsburgh. AGAIN. This Davenport situation bears watching. This situation with the sailing balls bears more immediate watching. I'm not sure Ben made it, and Al's callback to XL probably pissed Johnny off. This isn't be shocking - Ward's feasted on the Bengals for years. Man, Parker's having a rough night. Is this the same challenge still? Oh, it's a different one. Are there even any left? I wonder if Marvin's gonna make it. (Steelers 24, Bengals 10)

"Mobility like no other quarterback?" I don't know about that, Jaws. That touchdowns-to-possessions stat is just sick. Wow. No one's open. And you can't keep giving the Patriots opportunities. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. THAT GOES FOR YOU, TOO. What was that Harrison-Billick foolishness? Two guys I can't stand. McGahee's running all over the Pats, which is... not completely uncharacteristic, but I haven't seen anyone do it as consistently as this. Of course, I'd feel better about this actually happening if Kyle Boller wasn't prominently involved. Seriously, of the quarterbacks left, he might be the least likely guy to pull it off. He's been good tonight, though, brief A.J. Feeley impression aside. Moss has to catch that one. The wind seems to have died down a bit. Are those flurries? I seriously had no idea Shula played. 21 picks? That's not bad. So much for the wind. What the ... the RAVENS called time out? And after all that, they let Brady run for it. INCOMP- D'OH!!! Are you surprised any more? I mean, really? 57 probably needs to get either pulled or tossed. I don't think they can overturn this. This is OBSCENE. And now the Ravens are just fucking up. How about a little urgency? KNOCK IT DOWN! "They ARE who we THOUGHT they were!" Yeah, better than you, right, Billick? (Patriots 27, Ravens 24)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL:CI (8-5, W1): Got a win over Butch that doesn't affect all that much, as I'm locked into the sixth seed and will face Drunk Polish Kickers in the first round of the playoffs.

JackSux 4 (6-7, W1): Beat Butch by about .5 when Stallworth didn't get enough catches for him to pass me. We're both in, but Gates and Charlie are out.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England (12-0) - And they're luckier than you on top of it
2. Dallas (11-1) - It's high time NFL quarterbacks became chick magnets again
3. Indianapolis (10-2) - Slowly gathering strength

BOTTOM 3:
30. N.Y. Jets (3-9) - You beat down the worst team in the league. Good for you
31. Atlanta (3-9) - Petrino may move heaven and earth to get Brohm
32. Miami (0-12) - Brace yourselves. It's gonna happen


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Now playing: Mick Jagger - God Gave Me Everything
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: RIP Sean Taylor

I'm not sure which is more recent: us actually having turkey or the Thanksgiving game actually being relevant to the Lions' interests. Ah, the old field-goals-for-touchdowns trade. I don't need to tell you how that always plays out. The Goo Goo Dolls? Really? Ooooh, wait a minute... never mind. This would be a classic fold if the Lions blow this. And don't think they haven't got it in them. (Packers 37, Lions 26)

I thought the Jones brothers had played against each other on Thanksgiving before. I guess I'd blocked those horrific Bears orange jerseys out of my mind. Well, you can't just give them points like - oh. If that Romo keeps showing up, that's the only shot the Jets have - they don't have the personnel or experience to exploit the Cowboys' weaknesses on defense. Yeah, this one's probably over. Time for dessert! (Cowboys 34, Jets 3)

Signal Finder: HOU @ CLE, MIN @ NYG, WSH @ TB (end), SEA @ STL (end), DEN @ CHI

GUS JOHNSON!~~~~ Who would have figured Jamal Lewis still had some mileage left? He's running right at the Texans. He doesn't care. He never has. Nice coverage there on the Soldier. The Browns' defense is playing over its head today - this McDonald kid is flying all over the field. I liked what I saw here. That offense is legit. And this is why you have to give coaches time to build something. (Browns 27, Texans 17)

Oh, Chad. You're so getting fined for that. (Bengals 35, Titans 6)

That's a good start. I swear, it seems like every time the Vikings visit the Giants, they turn into actual Vikings. This is insane. OK, that one wasn't Eli's fault. THAT one, on the other hand... where was he throwing? There wasn't even a play there. (Vikings 41, Giants 17)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Todd Sauerbrun; 2. Kurt Warner; 3. Gus Frerotte; 4. Steve McClaren; 5. Andy Reid.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is what makes them the Arizona Cardinals. The only saving grace is that Warner didn't have the ball when he went down at the end. (49ers 37, Cardinals 31, OT)

Way to go, Rex. Nobody's kicked to Hester in six weeks. Must be rust. Time for The Original Adrian Peterson to rescue the Bears. There's a whole lot of nothing going on here. Seriously, nobody's kicked to him in six weeks. Why start again? Good job by Dierdorf to point out that Hester's mere presence basically bought the Bears that ball at midfield without him even touching it. LOL at him hurdling Sauerbrun. And now everyone's been inspired... this thing's blown up. When did Marshall get good? That's not a throw I would've made - Scheffler bailed Cutler out on that one. Hell, LOL at Sauerbrun. Did he not see Tillman coming? That's a good job by Berrian to turn around and adjust by going low to pull that in. Nice work. There's a bomb to Clark! crosses off Broncos (Bears 37, Broncos 34, OT)

Seriously, 24 points is ludicrous. They're not the Dolphins. Nice work, A.J.! rolls eyes Greg Lewis lives! Onside kick~~~~ Why not? Madden's right. Be aggressive; empty the chambers. Oh, I'm sorry, Tom. Did that hurt? It is surprising that they're not reviewing this, but I thought he had it all the way. I refuse to allow myself to have any expectations. Y'know, Moss's career numbers against the Eagles? Not that great. They've historically been able to hold him down. Seriously, where's Maroney? Is he hurt again? Gotkowski's no Adam Vinatieri, I'll tell you that much. Um... are we ahead of the Patriots? There's no way this can last. Jabar Gaffney? Really? Man, the Pats just have too many guys. Welker actually has more catches than Moss this year. (The hell were the Dolphins thinking giving away a useful player to a division rival like that.) Oh, there's Maroney. Seriously, it's gonna be bedlam if this happens. NOOOOO!!!! This ending looks... familiar. We can add "throw mid-to-long routes down the middle" to the blueprint. Quarterback controversy in 3, 2, 1... which is absolutely the last thing this team needs, by the way. I mean, seriously, WHY THE HELL CAN'T THEY GAMEPLAN/COACH LIKE THIS WHEN McNABB'S PLAYING?!?!?!?! (Patriots 31, Eagles 28)

That field is shredded like hash browns. What's up, Joey Porter. Ricky Williams lives! Did that guy just step on his shoulder? Forget what I said earlier; this is insane. That punt just stuck in the ground. Reed's pretty go- no. I disagree with the Dolphins not kicking it again after the penalty. You can't make it from there. "The 54th minute?" What is this, a soccer match now? OMG TIRICO READS MINDS. The guys trying to keep up as they get updated graphics on the longest scoreless droughts ("I think that was a replacement game") was tremendous. It's GOOD! The field goal, not the 59-plus minutes of Armageddon that came before it. (Steelers 3, Dolphins 0)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL:CI (7-5, L3): How do I draw Peyton as the opposing quarterback in both of my leagues? Rigged. Also, I'm collapsing down the stretch like last year's Giants.

JackSux 4 (4-7, L2): And I had a shot to beat Rob if Hines Ward could've found the end zone twice. Ah, well. Likely another out-of-the-playoffs finish.

RANKINGS:

TOP 3:
1. New England (11-0) - Put this on the record: They're gonna do it
2. Dallas (10-1) - Do I venture out Thursday night?
3. Indianapolis (9-2) - No Freeney's gonna make things tough

BOTTOM 3:
30. Atlanta (3-8) - Billick might get fired. Seriously
31. St. Louis (2-9) - What's that gagging noise?
32. Miami (0-11) - On top of everything else, now they're snakebitten


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Now playing: Familiar 48 - The Question
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By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 11: The Great Escape

Signal Finder: MIA @ PHI, SD @ JAX (end), OAK @ MIN (end), CLE @ BAL (end of regulation), WSH @ DAL

Hey, where's the - oh, right, visiting AFC opponent. switches to CBS That was close. WTF L.J. Yeesh. It's starting to rain a little harder. Wow. Once SPEED 2 got to mid-field, that was it. He's the fastest guy in the building. See this? This is exactly how it happens. Why do you show us that? At least Donovan's walking off this year. The Dolphins' punter is struggling. Seriously, Beck should've been starting a month ago. Are you kidding me? Is this actually happening? Nice throw, A.J. vomits And here come the most deserved boos ever. The thing is, the Dolphins are so bad and they're only up by four. There's a welcome development! Go A.J. I'd really like another touchdown here. How did Avant hold on to that? He got drilled. Oh, he should've caught that. How 'bout another hold? Go for it. You're 0-9, for God's sake. What? They called time out for THAT? That's why they're 0-9. Seriously, that passed the Cardinals' wide receiver option for two against the Redskins as the worst play call I've seen this year. Is that Donovan on the sideline? Let's never do that again, please. (Eagles 17, Dolphins 7)

Vikings fans are watching Culpepper thinking, "Yeah, we'd probably like to have him back, but... how many times have we seen this?" Tim Dwight's still alive? KNOCK IT DOWN! (Vikings 29, Raiders 22)

And again we're subjected to watching the NFL Today crew doing play-by-play from the studio. Where's Shannon Sharpe, by the way? CLANK! It bounced OUT?! Wow. That's gotta suck. Wait, what? They're saying it might have hit that part behind the crossbar? Oh, it sure did. That side shot is tremendous. This isn't reviewable, and yet the referee is clearly going over to the sideline to look at it. So, if it just goes through, it's good, right? Boomer's about to have a heart attack. It's GOOD! The refs did the right thing there, rules or no rules. Billick may kill someone after this. (Browns 33, Ravens 30, OT)

Talk about a flip of fortunes. Williams: 6 tackles, sack, forced fumble. Bush: 104 total yards, 2 fumbles. Oops. (Texans 23, Saints 10)

Seriously, why is Jon Kitna talking smack? Strahan: "I honestly thought in the first half that was one of the worst teams we played that was 6-3. Maybe we'll see them down the road and if that's the case, we'll beat that ass again." And he was smiling the whole time he said that. (Giants 16, Lions 10)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1-4. In Brian Billick's path; 5. The Pittsburgh Steelers.

Roy Williams gets beaten deep in coverage? That's never happened before. I guess after last year's wild card game Romo had magnets installed in his hands. How do teams continually not even bother trying to cover T.O.? If the Redskins could ever finish a game, they'd be dangerous. Seriously., they followed three Dallas touchdowns with three field goals. That's how you lose games. (Cowboys 28, Redskins 23)

YAY Kevin Everett. Like I said, the Bills have nothing for them. Did Moss watch the Cowboys game earlier and feel the need to top it? Seriously, it's like slingshots against tanks. It's not running it up if the defense does it. I wrote off next week as a loss when the schedule came out.(Patriots 56, Bills 10)

FANTASY REPORT:

aPaFL:CI (7-4, L2): .07? I lost to Ska by .07? I'm on tilt.
JackSux 4 (4-7, L2): And then Brady scores 55 and Charlie beats me by three. This sucks.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England (10-0) - They could do it
2. Dallas (9-1) - Similarly machine-like
3. Indianapolis (8-2) - Nice to have Vinatieri back

BOTTOM 3:
30. St. Louis (2-8) - They're hot!
31. San Francisco (2-8) - Talk about a stoppable force. Trent Dilfer?
32. Miami (0-10) - They could do it

By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 10: Crimes and Misdemeanors

Signal Finder: PHI @ WSH, DAL @ NYG, CIN @ BAL

Everybody's back for the Rams ... well, as many of 'everybody' as they're realistically going to get. Yay for attacking the opponent's weakness on defense. What took you so long? (Rams 37, Saints 29)

James Thrash? Really? I don't know what Gibbs is doing here. It's 3 o'clock and we're already getting the Vikings/Packers audience? Jeez. L.J. Smith lives! Baldinger's pretty much right about the two-point conversion chart. How about a stop? Something? No? Keenan McCardell lives! I'm concerned - the Skins' wide receivers have caught no touchdowns this year before today and now they're Jerry Rice. The Eagles see a big hole in the middle of the field with Taylor out. That's going to the well one too many times. REGGIE BROWN LIVES! Sick catch there. Again, how about a stop? Or not shooting yourself in the foot, at least? Why run the ball, Gibbs? I'm starting to wonder if maybe he doesn't have it anymore. That was a hell of a hold and reminiscent of both Redskins games last year where they weren't able to finish off drives. Oh, man, Westbrook's got this. GOGOGOGOGO. That's good blocking. Thrash is still on the sideline? Isn't this important? Get him into the locker room for attention! Pick it up! I'm sad that none of you got to see Westbrook's postgame ensemble. He looked like he just got back from ambushing Sonny at the toll booth. Which, in a way, he did. (Eagles 33, Redskins 25)

3-2? I was wondering why the Fox ticker was showing hockey scores for a second. It'd be fitting if that was the final, wasn't it? And it's kind of unfortunate that it's not. (Bills 13, Dolphins 10)

NO! NOT THE RED JERSEYS! And apparently those things have put the Cowboys on tilt, since they're playing dumb like last year's Giants did. This is Shockey's best game ever. Seriously, the Cowboys are killing themselves here. Taunting? At that point? Just stupid. That's a hold? How is that a hold? That's gonna cost the Giants in the end. See? How about covering T.O.? Oh, that's right, you only have one decent defensive back. You've let a nation down, Big Blue. (Cowboys 31, Giants 20)

The Bengals score zero touchdowns and still win by 14? Yeah, whatever, Billick. Troy Smith better hurry up and get ready. (Bengals 21, Ravens 7)

"Hello, 911? I'd like to report a kidnapping. Yes. The victim's name? Peyton Manning. P-E-Y..." Seriously, besides the fact that Harrison, Clark and Gonzalez are out, what's going on here? You forget how obscenely quick Darren Sproles is. Nice recall by Madden to bring up the Antonio Freeman game on Session's end-zone pickup. If the whistle's inadvertent, shouldn't the play keep going? I'm just asking. That's a break for the Chargers if anything. "Alacrity", Al? You're aware this is a football game, right? You don't think the Colts can pull this off? The Chargers' offense has done nothing all night. I didn't think Addai got it the first time. What the hell is this? What the hell was THAT?! "Hello, 911? I'd like to report a kidnapping. Yes, another one. Adam Vinatieri. V-I-N-A-T-I-E-R-I." (Chargers 23, Colts 21)

RIP Dick Nolan. Hell yeah, "The Price Is Right" is an American institution! Get out of the film room sometime, Jaws. Hasselbeck admitting postgame that he didn't believe it when Holmgren told him they were going to pass more was tremendous. (Seahawks 24, 49ers 0)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL:CI (7-3, L1): This was a disgrace. Scott and I were both 7-2 before my leading scorer was the Atlanta defense. I don't think 42.07 is an all-time low for me, but it's damn close.

Jacksux 4 (4-6, L1): One of these days I'll learn to trust my instincts. My instincts told me to start Ben over Carson this week. I actually had Ben in the slot but switched back late in the week, and if I'd kept him there, I would've won. Damn it. (After further calculations this is wrong. I'd have lost by .08. In a sense, it's actually better this way.)

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England (9-0) - Spent week off stewing in their own juices
2. Indianapolis (7-2) - Medic!
3. Dallas (8-1) - Pulling away in NFC East

BOTTOM 3:
30. N.Y. Jets (1-8) - It's gotten really bad
31. St. Louis (1-8) - Finally!
32. Miami (0-9) - Will Dolphins Stadium burn like the Orange Bowl did?

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: A Single Bound

Signal Finder: SD @ MIN, WSH @ NYJ, NE @ IND, SEA @ CLE (WTF @ radio)

What's happened to the Broncos? Better yet, what's happened to the Lions? Watching the updates, this thing started off like nothing and it snowballed and all of a sudden it's 23-0. Patrick Ramsey lives! I still maintain he got screwed in Washington but whatever. I hope Shaun Rogers survives that. (Lions 44, Broncos 7)

You had a feeling they couldn't be held down forever. (Saints 41, Jaguars 24)

Here's the Adrian Peterson we didn't really see last week. You know whose name I haven't heard yet is Antonio Gates. Why are they kicking this field goal? Uh-oh. You're kidding me, right? I don't understand how you can't stop the guy in the space of 109 yards. I've seen more guys jumping over guys in this one game than I can ever remember. Peterson's just making people look like fools. Like I said last week, Bollinger's the best quarterback the Vikings have right now. I didn't realize he had that many yards. That's like a record or something. (Vikings 35, Chargers 17)

I guess the Packers really are that good. (Packers 33, Chiefs 22)

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Falcons 20, 49ers 16

Nice of Belichick to dress up for the festivities. Forcing the Patriots to go three-and-out to start is a massive psychological boost. Wait, Vinatieri missed? That seriously never happens. OK, that's better and an even bigger lift for the Colts. But when did they turn into the Eagles inside the red zone? Simms says it's because of no Harrison, and I'm kind of surprised he's not playing, actually. I'm impressed with how easily the Colts are getting pressure on Brady. I know Freeney and Mathis are good (Mathis pulled out the best spin move you'll see all year) but I didn't think they'd be up in Brady's face so often. Wow, Addai just ran through the Patriots like a knife through soft butter. You don't see that. You also don't see the Pats with only 10 points after three quarters. Great concentration by Brackett on the pick. Where's this Randy Moss been for the last five years? Uh-oh, the tables are starting to turn. You can't just let Welker catch that corner like that. And now the Colts are having protection problems. Are we surprised? Really? Of course, the other side of this is we now have a dynamic where the Colts know they can come back, and ... oh, never mind. This turned out to be a very enlightening game for reasons I'll get to later. (Patriots 24, Colts 20)

Everything that follows will be a letdown. That's only supposed to happen against the Rams. Seriously, why even bother with Jones? I don't get it. Wow, Brown scores there if Baskett doesn't get blocked into him. Who the hell is Tony Curtis? Madden's point about how McNabb throws so few interceptions because he misses so badly when he's off may be the most backhanded compliment he's ever given out. This is starting to get out of hand. You know whose name I haven't heard tonight is Kevin Curtis. Yeah, that's just what they needed. You know, knocking a guy's helmet off is much more impressive when you actually stop him afterwards. I think Al Michaels is jealous of Carrie Underwood. "(Romo) loves to have fun." Um, who doesn't? This was just a better team coming in and whipping ass. Nothing more. T.O.: "There's a lot of love in those boos." No, there weren't. What's it like to go through life so self-deluded? (Cowboys 38, Eagles 17)

Apparently every Steeler ever is not only here tonight, but is somehow on the active roster. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Are these the Ravens this is happening to? I mean, the zero's not a shock, but 35? In the first half? Jaws basically calling for McNair to be benched was kind of shocking.

And here's my point. I'm looking at the rest of the Patriots' schedule. They've already gone to Miami, so there's no risk of Brady struggling down there (plus, the Fins may be down to Jim Kiick at running back by them). The Jets and Bills have absolutely nothing for them. The Ravens can't score enough points. The Eagles may be running on fumes three weeks from now. The Colts showed us the blueprint: Relentless pressure on Brady and an offense that can score enough points to stay with them. There's only one team left that can do both. (Steelers 38, Ravens 7)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL:CI (7-2, W2): Had to sweat this one out. The Revolution got a Monday night touchdown from McGahee, but we held on to win by two.

JackSux 4 (4-5, W1): Had a nail-biter here too, but it looks like I beat Rob's brother. We're still in it.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England (9-0) - Anything's officially possible
2. Indianapolis (7-1) - But was anyone paying attention?
3. Dallas (7-1) - Still tops in the junior league

BOTTOM 3:
30. Cincinnati (2-6) - The bad old days are back
31. St. Louis (0-8) - It's a shame they don't play the Dolphins this year...
32. Miami (0-8) - ...or is it?

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Now playing: Staind - It's Been Awhile
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: Grindin'

Signal Finder: PHI @ MIN, WSH @ NE

Ah, English weather. Eli runs like Peyton. I think the streak at halftime was the longest play from scrimmage for the game. Hey, a SPEED 2: Cruise Control sighting! I'm not sure what we should be apologizing to the British more for: the Dolphins, or Tony Siragusa. (Giants 13, Dolphins 10)

Are these... are these touchdowns? You know who's good is Trent Cole. The hell was that? Get away from there! Good Lord. Also, way to waste a challenge, Childress. You didn't learn that from Reid, that's for sure. Did he just hurdle that pile? I was about to say that we hadn't really seen anything that made you go "OMG Adrian Peterson" and then that happens. If you missed Candice's fall on Raw last week, just watch what happens to Holcomb here and you'll know how it ended. That may have been the shortest flea-flicker ever. Nice concentration by Curtis. Oh, we're back to the field goals, I see. Bollinger might actually be better than Holcomb at this point, to be quite honest. Um, wasn't Curtis knocked out of bounds there? The Eagles really bottled Peterson up for the most part. Good for them. (Eagles 23, Vikings 16)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. J.P. Losman (I debated dropping him, but the fact is, he lost his starting job to a guy who won zero games in college last year and only got it back because he got hurt); 2. Champ Bailey/Dre Bly (tie); 4. Steven Jackson; 5. Adrian Peterson, kickoff returner

Aaaaaaand the Super Bowl Losers' hangover strikes again. (Lions 16, Bears 7)

From Week 4: "I'm having trouble remembering the third guy who was at Michigan and wore No. 1 when Breaston and Avant were both there. It wasn't David Terrell, I don't think." This was Braylon Edwards. Shame on you people. (Browns 27, Rams 20)

Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Bills 13, Jets 3

Troy never had more than 21 touchdown passes in a season? Really? Hmmm. (Yeah, according to this, he's wrong. I'm not sure how I feel about that.) Oh, look, another Mike Vrabel touchdown. Troy: "I'm not sure how that happens." Me neither, man. It's only been happening for, what, SEVEN YEARS? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. The fake spike LIVES! As far as running up the score goes, look at it another way: Would you rather they started taking knees with 10 minutes left? (Patriots 52, Redskins 7)

At least the weather's seasonal. The Broncos failed at containment on that one. Holy crap, that referee got creamed. I feel like Shanahan's doing an in-game impression of Belichick with the "Where's John Lynch?" subplot. Ryan Grant's getting a lot of run tonight. So is Kampman, who just spent the better part of an hour chasing Marshall down. Why is Cutler running here? Remember, they did this against the Bills, too. Whoa! That was quick! (Packers 19, Broncos 13)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL:CI (6-2, L1): WHEN TOP TEAMS COLLIDE... Brian beats me, that's what happens. In fact, here's another perspective on what's going on in Foxborough this year: I was effectively beaten by Brady and the Patriots' defense, who outscored my entire team 62-55 by themselves.

JackSux4 (3-5, L1): Starting Ben over Carson was a good move against the horror show that is the Bengals' pass defense, but we didn't have enough to beat the Iguana Brothers.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. (tie) New England (8-0), Indianapolis (7-0) - Of course, that'll change next week
3. Dallas (6-1) - I was starting to wonder if they'd forgotten that Romo's contract was expiring

BOTTOM 3:

30. N.Y. Jets (1-7) - So where's Pennington's next stop?
31. St. Louis (0-8) - When's the last time we had two winless teams this late?
32. Miami (0-8) - Could have sparked an international incident in some other countries

NP: Hot Hot Heat - "Middle Of Nowhere"

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: Time And A Half

Signal Finder, Week 6: PHI @ NYJ, TEN @ TB (?), NE @ DAL

The Jets have never beaten the Eagles? Really? Also Reid is 8-0 after a bye week so this should be set in stone. The hell are those things? That's some poor tackling right there, friends. Hey, a Thomas Jones sighting. I'm watching the Jets and they remind me of last year's Redskins with their complete and utter inability to finish a game. (Eagles 16, Jets 9)

41 points? To Cleveland? Really? (Browns 41, Dolphins 31)

Seriously, this plays right into the Patriots' strength. See? Uh-oh, there's a turnover or something. Why am I not at all concerned about the outcome here? Oh, that's right, because the Patriots are UNSTOPPABLE CYBORGS. (Patriots 48, Cowboys 27)

Signal Finder, Week 7: SF @ NYG, BAL @ BUF, TEN @ HOU (close to the end), ARZ @ WSH (end), back to SF @ NYG (end), CHI @ PHI

Look, people, I know Brady's had his problems here. And I know the '72 Dolphins are starting to get to the beginning stages of getting a little nervous. But it's not happening today. Trust me. Why isn't Beck starting, by the way? What's the point? One thing that seems to have been overlooked is that the Dolphins' defense seemed to get really old really fast. And that's not just from seeing what the Patriots did. Taylor: "We can't win in America. Maybe we can win overseas." (Patriots 49, Dolphins 28)

WTF Ken Whisenhunt. You're supposed to call a play that has a chance in hell of working. (Redskins 21, Cardinals 19)

CBS not being able to show the end of the Titans game live led to the NFL Today crew having to call it in between breaks of analyzing what had just happened and showing instantaneous replays. It got hilarious at times. Some nice throws by Collins on that last drive. What an ugly kick. Of course, when you've done it nine times before already (counting the extra points) your leg's gotta get tired, right? (Titans 38, Texans 36)

Did That Actually Happen?: Some red zone touchdowns would be nice. Hell, some excitement would be nice. This is the only acceptable use of the squib kick, by the way. No exceptions. And it really is working and is all the Eagles have done since the one Akers kicked out of bounds. It's not like the Eagles can't move the ball, which is the frustrating part. Finally! It should be noted that Donovan missed Schobel against similar coverage in the first half. That's a good kick. Um, guys? Guys? GUYS! It's Brian, not Bob! Are you kidding me? Brian Griese did that? I don't know if it would have been better or worse had Rex done it. I think it's time for this team to break character and start panicking. (Bears 19, Eagles 16)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Cowboys 24, Vikings 14. That's a good thing, by the way.

While I do agree with Kornheiser that there's a sense of "Hey, don't forget about us" with the Colts, they'll never admit it publicly and I wish he'd stop harping on it. I wonder how many fantasy owners that Kenton Keith touchdown pissed off. Same thing with Peyton's sneak. There goes Garrard. And there goes MJD. Wow, in all of the talk about the league's worst receiving corps, the Jaguars have been forgotten about. Seriously, they're not even trying now. (Colts 29, Jaguars 7)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL:CI (6-1, W2): Despite leaving Kenny Watson's 29 points on the bench and trading Boldin to Jet not figuring that both he and Warner would actually play, I got a good win over OJ's White Broncos.

JackSux 4 (3-4, W1): Nobody's out of it! Certainly not us after putting a hurting on Johnny's Spartans led by Watson, Coles, and the Giants' defense. Rob's in first place and I've actually scored more points than he has. :)

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England (7-0) - Have I said "I'm officially terrified" yet?
2. Indianapolis (6-0) - But just to be sure... y'all didn't forget, right?
3. (tie) Dallas (6-1) - NFC's "best", which, let's be honest...
(tie) Colorado Rockies (7-0 post.) - Also cannot be stopped

BOTTOM 3:
30. Atlanta (1-6) - Can't even stop punchless Saints
31. St. Louis (0-7) - Stay down, Marc! Stay down!
32. Miami (0-7) - Well, they still have the Bills twice...

Good Night, Mom-Mom

My grandmother - my mom's mother and my last surviving grandparent - died Friday morning.

I'll be pretty scarce most of this coming week.

Thanks for understanding.

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Fortune Faded

View Finder: NYJ @ NYG, DET @ WSH, CAR @ NO (end), ATL @ TEN (end), SD @ DEN

I can never tell who the crowd favors when this game happens. Speaking of that, here's a Recent Development, I think: it's not "Giants Stadium" anymore when the Jets are the home team. It's now "The Meadowlands." Jacobs is back? OK. That's a bad read by Eli. Right into coverage? Sheesh. That's a little better. Just give it to Jacobs or something. Like that. OOPS. "Cankles"? Who says "cankles" in a football game? That's not gonna help the ankle, Plax. And there's a bad read by Pennington. (Giants 35, Jets 24)

The Lions in Washington? Yeah, whatever. (Redskins 34, Lions 3)

Seriously, Trent, a blow to the head is why you ended up in this hellhole in the first place. WTF why would you do that? That's Ryan Leaf stupid right there. And did anyone catch the interview with the guy he hit afterwards? Just an insane scene. When did Kris Brown stop sucking, by the way? (Texans 22, Dolphins 19)

Steelers-Seahawks: Just as bad the second time around. (Steelers 21, Seahawks 0)

You know, none of us could actually be plugged into the Colts' offense and rush for 121 and two touchdowns, but it's cool to think it's possible. Yahoo doesn't even have a headshot of the guy. There's just a Colts logo there. Man, that's cold. (Colts 33, Buccaneers 14)

Has Simms called Cutler "Plummer" about three times already? Nice to see Norv learning from his mistakes, if only for the moment. Rivers' running form? Not so good. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Clearly they didn't hear me the first time. Now Michael Turner's lighting it up. Hey, we've found something Norv can do better than Marty: win in Denver. (Chargers 41, Broncos 3)

I'm not sure if the Packers will regret those fumbles or not. At worst, it keeps this from being a blowout. What exactly was that, Brett? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Griese's actually doing a pretty good job of that. Let's put the shovels away for another week, at least. (Bears 27, Packers 20)

Possible trap game? Maybe. Ah, the O.J.-era uniforms. Maybe not the best choice. It doesn't look like it's gonna be Romo's night. The Cowboys are basically walking up to the line and telling Edwards, "You're going to have to beat us." Of course, Romo's giving him plenty of help. Can anybody on either side hold on to a pass tonight? Four picks? This is precedent for a quarterback switch, right? And there's a kickoff return for a touchdown. Man, this place is loud. Do the Bills have enough to hold on here? Never mind. Two-point conversion DENIED!! Maybe I was wrong. Not the onside kick. Come on, hold one time. They're reviewing it... and he did not catch that. That actually helps Dallas, though, in a sick turn of events. 52 yards? For a rookie? On the road? Wow. And Jauron PULLS THE SHANAHAN FREEZEOUT! (That's what I'm calling it from now on.) Let's see what Folk has in him this time. NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. Jaws is right - that rule's so getting changed. Man, the Bills run so bad. Neither team deserved what happened to them tonight. And we would've had to reopen voting for "Upset of the Decade" if this had held. (Cowboys 25, Bills 24)

FANTASY REPORT

aPa:CI (4-1, L1): Well, our luck couldn't last forever. Leinart got hurt and we lost to previously winless Max by 5 despite two of his guys not even playing.

JackSux 4 (2-3, L1): Got beat by Dupin even with Romo's turnover-fest potentially working in my favor. The Crayton touchdown was the nail in the coffin.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England (5-0) - Crushed the Browns' dreams early
2. Indianapolis (5-0) - Time to heal
3. Dallas (5-0) - Better to be lucky than good?

BOTTOM 3:
30. New Orleans (0-4) - Looks like the bad old days all over again
31. St. Louis (0-5) - See last week
32. Miami (0-5) - Time for the John Beck era

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth (And The Rosin In Our Bag), Week 4: Queens Is Burning

Seriously, you can stick 1964 up your ass. Also, it doesn't get much better than hearing Harry Kalas lead the crowd in a rendition of "High Hopes." (Phillies 6, Nationals 1; Marlins 8, Mets 1)

Signal Finder: WSH @ PHI, STL @ DAL, NYJ @ BUF, OAK @ MIA, GB @ MIN (end) , PIT @ ARZ

And frankly, it's not like I was missing a whole hell of a lot otherwise. Rams-Cowboys? I saw the Crayton touchdown and that was it. I imagine the rest of the game went approximately the same way. (Cowboys 35, Rams 7)

Edwards really has better numbers in three games than Losman's had all year? That's not good news for anyone. This game took about two hours, and I think 30 seconds disappeared from the clock at the end. (Bills 17, Jets 14)

Deanna's seats are surprisingly good. (In the stadium. Where she was sitting. Pervs.) Ouch. You own him in this building for years and he comes in and breaks the record? That's gotta hurt. The Jones touchdown looked an awful lot like the Crayton touchdown. Did Favre not see where the ball went on the fumble with two minutes left? 'Cause I thought he had a shot at it if he realized where it was. Of course, it's only Kelly Holcomb. (Packers 23, Vikings 16)

Did This Actually Happen?: Browns 27, Ravens 13

Calvin Pace is still on the Cardinals? Are you kidding me? One thing about the Cardinals in Arizona is that they've always been good hosts. This crowd is seriously half Steelers fans. There was a Whisenhunt-Roethlisberger rift too? This team won a Super Bowl? This alternating quarterbacks thing? Not a fan. Whoa! Are the Cardinals actually going to win this game? I'm having trouble remembering the third guy who was at Michigan and wore No. 1 when Breaston and Avant were both there. It wasn't David Terrell, I don't think. This one could come back to bite the Steelers. (Cardinals 21, Steelers 14)

This Week it Sucks To Be: 1. Norv Turner; 2. Winston Justice; 3. Brian Griese; 4. Isaac Bruce (Two things can happen when you make guarantees: You either win, or you get straight up rolled); 5. J.P. Losman (You don't think he hears footsteps?)

MAR-TY! MAR-TY! MAR-TY! MAR-TY! If this doesn't prove coaching matters, nothing will. How about giving LDT the ball? Huh? How about it? Cross your mind at any point? On the flip side, Bowe's already the best wideout the Chiefs have had in about 15 years. (Chiefs 30, Chargers 16)

Without fail, whenever the Broncos play the Colts, they get shredded. To their credit, it just took longer for the Colts to get around to it this time. (Colts 38, Broncos 20)

I'm not optimistic. This is a game the Eagles always lose. And now Westbrook's not playing? Great. I'm looking at Umenyiora lining up all over the place and listening to Madden talk about how Kiwanuka's struggled to convert to linebacker and I can only conclude that the Giants should be running a 3-4 defense with Kiwanuka and Tuck as edge-rushing OLBs. The other problem the Eagles are having with helping Justice is that they don't really have a blocking tight end on their roster - Schobel and Celek are more pass-catchers, and Celek's struggling with false starts as much as Justice is. Still, the kid's getting run through so often he should be collecting tolls. I've never been a huge Buckhalter fan, but he's been good tonight. I didn't realize Akers has been so bad here, either. Then he makes a 53-yarder. Touchdown! Oh, whatever. See? Typical pre-bye-week game for the Birds. Everything goes wrong, and usually spectacularly. Good thing the Phillies are in the playoffs. Seriously. It's Bizarro World out here right now. (Giants 16, Eagles 3)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL Criminal Intent (4-0, W4): A week of close calls all around. I beat Tank's Armory by 4.3 points, which probably doesn't happen if Marvin Harrison doesn't go down and Bob has more than one running back for this week.

JackSux IV (2-2, W1): And I had to rally Monday night to beat Butch, and I still would have lost had he known Boldin was out and swapped in Muhsin Muhammad. (I can overlook the Westbrook thing because that was announced about 45 minutes before game time.) But he has his reasons. Also I'm not sure how I was able to come back with the Bengals only scoring 13 points, but I won't not take it.

RANKINGS

TOP 3:
1. New England (4-0) - Pats' offense looks like the Colts'
2. Indianapolis (4-0) - Champs chugging along
3. Dallas (4-0) - More complete team than the Packers at this point

BOTTOM 3:
30. New Orleans (0-3) - How does this offense only have 38 points?
31. St. Louis (0-4) - No Pace, no Jackson, and they can't stop anyone
32. Miami (0-4) - See, if you hadn't rushed Culpepper back in the first place...

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Now playing: Wings - Band on the Run
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 3: Blinded By The... Whatever That Is

Signal Finder: DET @ PHI, CIN @ SEA, NYG @ WSH

Did that guy get flagged for that hit on Losman's knee? If not, he should've. (Patriots 38, Bills 7)

The goggles. They do NOTHING. And apparently these ... things are having some sort of blinding effect on the Lions, as Curtis has just run past them like they can't find him. Again. These two teams have put up some points in their past rare meetings, but this is nuts. This is more like it. Seriously, what's going on? WTF 42. We'd find out later that the last time they scored that many points in a half, they were wearing these uniforms. Hanson missed? That doesn't happen. I think something shorted out. Like the SCOREBOARD. The 42 is actually more impressive than the 56. Discuss. (Eagles 56, Lions 21)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Colts 30, Texans 24.

For a long time I've believed this: Some assistants have what it takes to be head coaches. Some just don't. What that 'it' is, I couldn't tell you. It's an intangible something. I haven't seen enough to determine for sure that what's happening in San Diego is Norv's fault, but I don't think it's a coincidence. Of course, on the other side of this particular equation, the Packers might actually be able to keep this up. (Packers 31, Chargers 24)

This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. The Chargers; 2.The Saints; 3. The Rams; 4. The Bills; 5. The Falcons.

These are, what, the 60's-era Redskins uniforms? Ah, same old Giants. I particularly enjoyed the Cooley touchdown where there were three guys standing behind him. What's with Shockey actually making important catches this season? This should be overturned. Aaaand it is. Here come the Redskins, and you knew this wouldn't last forever, right? If anyone in the booth or the truck or anywhere wants to tell Troy to explain what "clocking" is, I'd appreciate it. Little help, Joe? Thank you. That last minute or so was hilarious. From needlessly rushing to the line and then not running an actual play and wasting a down, to the Giants reverting to form and failing to cover Randle El, to the pass to the fullback in the flat on 2nd and goal, to rushing to the line on 4th down with 25 seconds left, then calling a running play... well, that might have been the only way this ended well for the Giants. (Giants 24, Redskins 17)

Did Chad and T.J. run the same route on the first touchdown? I saw the pick Chad set (and if that's against the rules, whoever pointed out that it's against the rules is the only person who knows it's against the rules), then he ran the same pattern about five yards behind and parallel to T.J. Hasselbeck on the out-of-bounds kickoff: "That was helpful." Was that John Cena's flying shoulderblock at the end? (Seahawks 24, Bengals 21)

Lane Kiffin proves to be a quick study. Or an exceptional thief; your choice. Though it really illustrates the state of things when you have to resort to such trickery to beat the Browns. (Raiders 26, Browns 24)

That was a pretty classic fold the Falcons pulled off. DAVID CARR LIVES! (Panthers 27, Falcons 20)

All right, let's see how the Cowboys do against a real defense. Apparently not that much so far. Crayton's drop in the end zone reminded me of Jackie Harris's drop in that Super Bowl against the Steelers (I want to say X?), it was so bad. Berrian's drop on the next series was pretty horrific, too, but at least he was moving. Here we go, as Bears defenders drop like flies and Rex continues to stink up the joint. How has this Barber/Jones thing not resolved itself yet? Seriously. Barber's so much more productive it's baffling. I don't know if this is the end for Rex, but I think you can see it from here. Kyle Boller's watching this game thinking, "I really shouldn't have signed that extension." OK, I'll admit it: the Cowboys have me frightened. This isn't good news for anyone. (Cowboys 34, Bears 10)

Things have changed, man... things have changed. Unfortunately for the Saints, it's all the wrong things that have changed. Seriously, Brees looks like Aaron Brooks out there. What's happened to this offense? It's the same guys! The mini-PTI at halftime doesn't work so well when you can't hear each other. Vince really looks like he's just hanging out tonight. Tony talking about the Saints' losing history as a franchise makes me think of how the Falcons have never had back-to-back winning seasons, and they've both been around for about the same number of years. Can you really bury all of that in one season aside from winning a Super Bowl? (Titans 31, Saints 14)

FANTASY REPORT

aPaFL:CI (3-0, W3): I'm pretty sure my entire team was in 4 o'clock games. Doom doesn't know what hit him.

JackSux 4 (1-2, L2): I'm sure Rob will be chiming in with a post or comment on how our matchups have gone over the years. But when three of your own guys get hurt in one day, this is what happens.

RANKINGS!

TOP 3:
1. New England (3-0) - Live, Memorex, or whatever, they're damn near unstoppable
2. Indianapolis (3-0) - Colts have become own biggest critics
3 (tie). Dallas (3-0) - Uh-oh
(tie) Green Bay (3-0) - Easily biggest surprise so far

BOTTOM 3:
30. St. Louis (0-3) - And it probably won't get any better with Jackson down
31. Buffalo (0-3) - 24 points. 24!
32. Atlanta (0-3) - Apparently somebody named Murphy has taken over


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Now playing: K-Os - The Anthem
via FoxyTunes

Back To Borgata: WPT Borgata Open 2007

So what's changed since the last time I went to one of these?



- The casino. An expansion that cost in the hundreds of millions of dollars and is still going on added another hotel tower, a larger poker room and racebook, and several new restaurants (with Bobby Flay and Wolfgang Puck among the names attached.)

- The set. The dome cameras on the table that were introduced during Season 4 are still there (and have actually proven to be pretty useless), but you've seen the new, darker, bordering on post-modern look of the Season 5 set.

- The network. Season 6 will be on GSN Monday nights starting next March or April.

- The structure. The days of the blinds increasing at warp speed appear to be at an end. The WPT has slowed down the speed of play by extending the levels to 90 minutes, which allows for more play without things reverting to all-in pushfests.

- The hostess(es). WPT has decided that it now takes two women to adequately replace Shana Hiatt. Or, at least, one and a half.

This, friends, is Layla Kayleigh:


As you can see, there's a lot going on here. She's tiny (5'2"), even in four-inch heels. She's from England and if you watch G4, you've seen her on "The Feed." She's easily the most fun hostess they've had since Shana.

You'll also be seeing Kimberly Lansing once or twice during the upcoming season:


She wasn't here, though.

SPOILER ALERT

Seeing Mike Matusow in the entryway to the Event Center was a bad sign. But there he was, still steaming somewhat after being eliminated in sixth place after Eugene Todd got knocked down to his last 25,000 chips. He was being consoled by his girlfriend (the new term is "outkicking your coverage") and Mike Binger, who finished third in the WSOP main event in 2006.

Todd took his hit from Haralabos Voulgaris, who was "the guy in the suit" who effectively folded into third and ended up losing heads-up to Michael Mizrachi as the 2005 L.A. Poker Classic.

Going back to the entryway for a moment, they didn't have the Boot Camp signup booth and the other giveaway stuff that they had two years ago. Instead, there was a cash bar and free coffee. Also, something has changed because they were actually showing the table live in the ballroom as it went on on the set through the back of the room. (Gaming prohibited this in the past unless the broadcast was physically in the same room.)

Vince Van Patten has written a poker mystery novel, of all things.

The heads-up match between Roy Winston and Scotty Yoon probably should have ended three hours earlier than it actually did. One of only two "fireworks" moments during heads-up, Yoon turned a straight to stay alive, then scratched and clawed his way back from what had been a 13:1 chip deficit to only being down 9:7. He got into this tournament on a $200 satellite, which is more than he says he's ever won playing poker.

I want to see if they show Vince shooting off a burst of Silly String when the straight hits during that hand. And who knew they still made that stuff?

Scotty was late coming back from the last break. We suspected that Roy (an anesthesiologist) had put him down. "Must be present to win."

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Now playing: Sting - Desert Rose
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 2: Playing Catch-Up

View Finder: GB @ NYG, BUF @ PIT, IND @ TEN (last :12), CIN @ CLE (end), NYJ @ BAL, DEN @ OAK (OT)

TOUCHDOWN BENGALS

Eli's in? OK then. Is this last week's game again? Oh, look, a Giant commits a stupid, costly penalty at a crucial moment? That's never happened before. Do people still think Shockey's good? Granted, he's been horribly misused in Coughlin's system, but he's never been better than, say, Todd Heap. And by the way, Troy, get out of here with that "he's a good blocker" stuff. Favre looks like he's gone back in time - he's carving up this defense. I noticed this last week: every time Brandon Jackson is in, he's getting stuffed, and every time DeShawn Wynn is in, something good's happening. And now the umpire's getting drilled. What's wrong with Lorenzen now? Jeez. (Favre W, 149-90) (Packers 35, Giants 13)

TOUCHDOWN BROWNS

You think those Steelers 75th-anniversary throwback unis were ugly, wait until you see what the Eagles break out when they do the same thing next week. At least they're only playing the Lions. (Steelers 26, Bills 3)

TOUCHDOWN BENGALS

Why is Jon Runyan getting all these commercials?

TOUCHDOWN BROWNS

While the question "What's happened to the Saints' offense?" is a valid one, I don't think that's the bigger issue here. I look at the Buccaneers' highlights and Garcia's stats (243 yards off 10 completions?!) and I keep going back to what I said last year about the Saints: Their secondary is brutal. I was willing to write off the Colts game because, well, the Colts do that to everybody. But the Bucs shouldn't be shredding pass defenses like this. (Buccaneers 31, Saints 14)

TOUCHDOWN BENGALS. Why's Marvin on crutches?

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Jets-Ravens. Kyle Boller? What the hell? And on the other side, this is going about as well as could be expected with a second-year quarterback making his first start against this defense. I'm really surprised Boller signed an extension with Troy Smith behind him. This is your typical Ravens game. Grind it out, don't do anything stupid, and hit the other guys in the face. Wait a minute, what's this now? Oh, never mind then. (Ravens 20, Jets 13)

TOUCHDOWN BROWNS

Me, right before this: "He's got a big leg, but he's shaky." Raiders win! Wait, what? Oh, that's shady right there. And why even bother? Like I've always said, THIS NEVER WOR- oh. As if winning games this season wasn't already going to be hard enough for them. (Broncos 23, Raiders 20)

TOUCHDOWN BENGALS

A real genius wouldn't have gotten caught. That's all I'm saying. On the other hand, what a thorough ass-kicking this is. I'd love to know why Rivers threw that pass. At this time I'd like to give you a glimpse into my life at work. ... Let's flip to Yanks-Sawx. Tied 1-1? At least it's already the sixth inning. F'in' Jeter. How does he do it? My God. This Native American pitcher-batter matchup between Chamberlain and Ellsbury has to be pretty rare, no? Don't do this to me, Mariano. I've never disparaged you. Either end it one way or the other. Whew. *wipes forehead* Belichick: "I"ll have to look at the tape." (Patriots 38, Chargers 14; Yankees 4, Red Sox 3)

TOUCHDOWN BROWNS. Who knew Derek Anderson was the answer all this time.

Jones for "Worst Contract Season Ever." Also of note is that the You can tell that all the smoke from the fireworks is still up in the lights. This IS last week's game again. I'm convinced. Just a lot of really good post-production color work. Of course, this could also be spliced footage from last year's two games because the Redskins still can't get touchdowns against the Eagles. This sequence of penalties in Giants-esque. WTF TOUCHDOWN. Charles Barkley in the house! He's actually doing a good job in there, not trying to dominate the conversation and even asking Jaws what the Patriots were trying to get from the videotaping. You kind of have to be here to understand, but he's also making some very good points about the relationship between the fans and McNabb/Reid. The comment Tony relayed from the guy at Elias about being back in the mid-'90s was actually pretty good. Jason Avant should be starting. Seriously. L.J. Smith may be emerging as a candidate to rival Andruw Jones for "Worst Contract Season Ever." Also of note is that the Phillies are simultaneously gagging away an 11-0 lead in St. Louis. Can we score some touchdowns please? No? Oh. Something's very wrong here, and no one's quite sure what exactly it is.

Unsolicited Observation After Week 2: I thought the offense was supposed to catch up to the defense as the preseason progressed. Sure doesn't look that way in a lot of places.

FANTASY REPORT (Yes, I know I forgot to do this last week)

aPaFL Criminal Intent (2-0, W2): Looks like I'm gonna be riding Carson Palmer's arm until the proverbial wheels fall off.

JackSux 4 (1-1, L1): How do I lose with Palmer on my team? Answer: Steve Smith went off.


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Now playing: Over the Rhine - Give Me Strength
via FoxyTunes

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 1: Sometimes Even I'm Right

Don't hate the singer; hate the song. No, really. Reggie Bush saw the hit Addai took and had flashbacks. I support the "C"'s but would like them to be smaller. Manning? Harrison? Standard. What's not standard is Harrison coming from the left. Did that actually happen? Apparently it's the Jason David show tonight and we weren't told. Peyton seemed ... unusually nonplussed after that. I hope that kid wasn't dunking his apples in the barbecue sauce. David gets burned again? No wonder the Colts let him go. Is this the Colts' defense doing this? I've barely heard Deuce's name all night, for one thing. That bit about only four Colts having ever been anything other than Colts is amazing. I don't know if their defense can keep that up, but if it can, this season might already be over. (Colts 41, Saints 10)

Signal Finder: PHI @ GB, NE @ NYJ, MIA @ WSH (end), CHI @ SD, TB @ SEA (radio) DET @ OAK (end; WTF)

Wow, Lewis got hammered. I like this funky "Go Pack Go" song. I find it curious that the Packers let Ahman Green walk and decided to replace him with, well, this. Although the Eagles did get steamrolled by some lesser backs last season, so this is a good sign for the defense. The Packer defense is doing some good things, too - Barnett's all over the field. As nuts as the shovel pass was, I'm wondering why Wynn was just standing there instead of maybe throwing a block or two so Favre doesn't get smothered. Don't be a hero, J.R. What did I JUST SAY. And now the second decent gain Jackson's made all day will set up the endgame. Sometimes I see things like this coming. I didn't see this one coming. I feel like I should've. (Packers 16, Eagles 13)

I think somebody timed this once, how long the offense-field goal unit changeover takes. Another second and the Broncos don't make it. (Broncos 15, Bills 14)

For the first time in BTPOOT history, we have one game getting two awards: "Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass" and a new one this year, "Did This Actually Happen" go to Chiefs-Texans. Poor Rob. At least he got to see the Chiefs lose. (Texans 20, Chiefs 3)

Uh-oh. Does this mean Randy Moss is back? (Patriots 38, Jets 14)

Wow, Tatum Bell. If I'm you, I'm not leaving the stadium until sundown. (Lions 26, Raiders 21)

They're still calling it "The O.T."?

Oh, look, the Cowboys got beaten deep. That's never happened before. What's with the choices of music going to commercials? Is that "Unbelievable?" Is it 1988 again? I don't know how but the Giants' secondary seems to have gotten worse. On the other side, Eli's doing well tonight (the interception wasn't really his fault - Plaxico fell down.) Nice catch, T.O. That wouldn't have happened last year. Wow, the Giants are dropping like flies. It's 'Justin' Tuck, isn't it? Yeah, there we go. A Jared Lorenzen sighting? This one's over. LOL at him warming up in front of Eli to shield him from the cameras. (Cowboys 45, Giants 35)

YAY 80's 49er uniforms. And at the opposite end of the musical spectrum, MNF's bumping the new Kanye before commercial breaks the day before it drops. Did these two teams watch the Eagles-Packers game and go "Yeah, that looks like fun. Let's try that"? Seriously, I feel like I've seen this already. Nice hands, D-Jack. I'm pretty sure The Original Alex Smith's run here was defended even more poorly than the one against the Seahawks last season. And that, friends, is what makes them the Arizona Cardinals. (49ers 20, Cardinals 17.)


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Now playing: Red Hot Chili Peppers - Californication
via FoxyTunes

Fearful Forecast 2007

Fearful Forecast 2007

NFC EAST

(2) Philadelphia - Did the impossible last season and won three straight division road games in December with a backup quarterback to take the East. With McNabb back healthy and Westbrook firmly entrenched, a defense in flux will have to come together if the Eagles are gonna be worldbeaters.

(5) Dallas - There are some lofty expectations for the Cowboys, which seems unfair when you consider how badly Romo was exposed at the end of last season. This may be all on his shoulders. If he's up to it (and if the secondary can cover anybody), this team could be dangerous. But God help him if he's not - or when T.O. turns on him.

Washington - Here's all you need to know about the Daniel Snyder Era: Even with Joe Gibbs, the Redskins have become completely irrelevant. They can run the ball with Portis and Betts, which will keep pressure off Campbell, but their lack of a pass rush leaves their defense suspect.

N.Y. Giants - If this team's veterans constantly sniping about Tom Coughlin weren't enough to get him fired, Eli's regression last season should have been. But what's been overlooked is 1) how bad the defense was, and 2) they didn't make any big offseason moves to improve their weaknesses. This could be a disaster.

NFC NORTH

(3) Chicago - The Bears won't sneak up on anybody, but in this sorry division, it won't matter. But they're going to need Rex to find something resembling consistency if they want to get back to the Super Bowl.

Green Bay - Is THIS Favre's last season? Who knows. The rest of the team's in transition with some young potential on offense, but an underrated defense should keep them in games.

Minnesota - At least Tarvaris Jackson has Taylor and Peterson to run the ball and lighten the load. But there's too little on offense to support a rock-solid defense.

Detroit - They should score points, but I'd feel better about this offense if Kitna wasn't running it. To expand on that, I'd feel better about this team if Matt Millen wasn't running it.

NFC SOUTH

(1) New Orleans - Amazing what a difference competence at coach and QB makes. The offense should be even more dynamic, but I still wonder if they've fixed their secondary problems, though getting McKenzie back should help.

Carolina - Delhomme fell off badly in a disappointing all-around season for the Panthers, but is David Carr really the answer if his struggles continue? This whole team seems primed for a bounce-back year.

Tampa Bay - Chris Simms gave his spleen for the cause and almost didn't make this year's squad. Jeff Garcia comes in to run the offense, but the Bucs have backslid since their Super Bowl win. Gruden's gotta be on notice, right?

Atlanta - Say what you want about Vick on the field, but the Falcons had a nasty habit of not winning without him. All Harrington's proven is that he's pretty bad. They'll also miss Kerney more than everyone thinks.

NFC WEST

(4) Seattle - The Seahawks and Eagles had sort of similar seasons except the 'Hawks got their quarterback back. I'm still not sure why they traded Jackson to a division rival, though.

(6) San Francisco - The improving 49ers are a trendy pick to do some things with improving Alex Smith and an overhauled defense, but I don't really like their non-Jackson WRs and the division is a lot more competitive.

St. Louis - The Rams keep adding parts to their offense and can still remain competitive, but I'm not sure if the defense is up to holding up its end.

Arizona - We'll continue our tradition of not letting them off the hook, because even with a star-laden offense, yet another new coach, and an evolving defense, they're still the Arizona Cardinals until they prove otherwise.

AFC EAST

(3) New England - The Pats blew up their entire receiving corps in search of playmakers, but is Randy Moss still an elite player? This corner says no, but it probably won't matter too much as long as Brady's throwing the passes.

N.Y. Jets - The Meadowlands' other tenants were kind of overlooked as a team that probably overachieved last year. In the NFC, they'd be contenders. But they're not in the NFC.

Buffalo - The light went on for Losman in the second half last season, and the Bills also beefed up their offensive line in free agency. If Lynch can replace McGahee, they'll... still be a step behind the 49ers, for comparison.

Miami - They're gonna try yet again with Cam Cameron and Trent Green, but a young and inconsistent offensive line will make things difficult. The defense is still good, but its key players - Taylor, Thomas, Holliday, Traylor - are getting old.

NFC SOUTH

(1) Indianapolis - They know they can do it, so that's not an issue anymore. They're not very deep, though, and losing any of their stars could lead to some serious problems, especially on defense.

Tennessee - Vince Young continued his game-breaking ways as an NFL rookie, but he's got no help on offense. The defense won't miss Pacman with Harper and Herndon coming aboard.

Jacksonville - The Leftwich era ended just like that. I've always been a Garrard fan, but for the Jaguars to seriously think about being contenders, this has to work.

Houston - Matt Schaub? Ahman Green? Really? At least the Texans are building a defense with a high ceiling.

NFC NORTH

(2) Baltimore - McNair really stabilized the quarterback position for the Ravens and saved Billick's job in the process. McGahee adds a(nother?) dimension to the offense, and the defense keeps coming up with players to replace its losses.

(5) Pittsburgh - Last year shouldn't have happened, starting with Ben's motorcycle accident and filtering on down to a highly disappointing season. This team is better than last season showed, and I like them to come back strong.

Cincinnati - There's nothing wrong with this offense. The defense... well, that's another matter. The Bengals have big holes on the other side, and this conference is too tough to win with a defense as bad as this one.

Cleveland - I don't like the fact that they threw in the towel on Frye after a season and a half, but it is what it is. Quinn will be the man by season's end, but this is another team that hasn't done a lot of things right the last few years.

AFC WEST

(4) San Diego - Replacing Marty with Norv, while it preserves continuity, could prove to be the Chargers' eventual undoing as far as winning a Super Bowl is concerned. Seriously, Norv's never run a team this good, and if he screws this up...

(6) Denver - I didn't like last year's midseason switch to Cutler, either, but again, it is what it is. They'll run the ball and play solid defense, but you also have to wonder about their psyche a little considering how last season ended and the offseason deaths of two teammates.

Kansas City - Johnson will have to continue to carry the Chiefs to whatever success they're gonna have, because the rest of this team? Not that great.

Oakland - Dear Lord. Their quarterbacks are a has-been, a never-was, and an MIA. Their offensive line is dismal. Their new coach got sick during training camp. Can things actually get worse?

Fantasy Football Draft Report (2007) (2)

And so the New Jersey Seagulls name migrates to Rob's JackSux league, now in its fourth(?) incarnation. Rob was happy he didn't pick first again. Me, I ended up in the 10/11 slot, which I hate because it's a whole lot of waiting.

I'm also not a fan of what the auto-drafter cooked up for me on Tuesday night, either.

1 (10). RB Rudi Johnson
2 (11). QB Carson Palmer

In a perfect world these picks would be reversed. Palmer is running both of my squads and Rudi's kind of the forgotten man in the Bengals' offense even though he rushed for 1300 yards last season.

3 (30) WR Larry Fitzgerald. I'm a bigger fan of his teammate Anquan Boldin, but this is a Perfectly Acceptable Alternative.

4 (31) WR T.J. Houshmandzadeh. All right, this is getting eerie.

5 (50.) WR Hines Ward. Always reliable and should bounce back now that Ben's got his head back on straight.

6 (51). RB DeAngelo Williams. WTF? Is this the same team? (I know I copied my pre-draft rankings, but still.) I like this pick even less here than I did in the other league. Funny that in both leagues, Williams was sort of the tipping point to kick off the second tier of running backs, you know, the guys who split carries or the ones that nobody's quite sure about.

7 (70). WR Laveranues Coles. He's a Seagulls favorite and has been for years.

8 (71). TE Vernon Davis. Now this I like. Davis has a lot of potential but was hurt most of last year. He's a guy who could really help an improved 49ers offense.

9 (90). K Nate Kaeding
10 (91). Denver DEFENSE

The kicker and defense runs started in the ninth round at about the same time, with Kaeding sparking the kicker run after Vinatieri went earlier in the round.

11 (110). WR Chris Chambers. See what I said about Marty Booker in the aPa draft and add 15 or so.

12 (111). QB Ben Roethlisberger. This was a surprise and a potential steal this late. I think he's gonna bounce back big-time (granted, it'd be hard not to).

13 (130). WR Bernard Berrian. Rex's deep threat - if he can get the ball to him.

14 (131). RB Vernand Morency. And here's where things go south. This guy's hurt, and he's only going to be a backup when he does come back.

15 (150) TE David Martin. Who?

16 (151) San Francisco DEFENSE. Why?

The Ultimate Guest List: Addendum

Guess who else is invited to the party:



But since I'm 99.44% sure the restraining orders against you people cover mysterious, unsolicited packages, you're probably better off getting me something instead.

Return of Fantasy Football Draft Report

So we're doing something a little different in the aPa league this time around. The Criminal Intent division, which I'm in, is naming its teams after various NFL player-related legal infractions. Thus, this year's team? Chris Henry's Stash.

I had some computer problems Sunday night and I ended up getting to the draft late on a day off. Let's see how I did missing the first four rounds:

1 (9). RB Travis Henry. This'll be interesting because it's the first time a 1,000-yard rusher has ever been put into the Broncos' system, which I could probably get 800 yards out of. And with Tatum Bell gone, it's Henry's job.

2 (20). QB Carson Palmer. A top-5 quarterback in a league that leans on QBs and the second one off the board. This pick goes well with...

3 (37). WR T.J. Houshmandzadeh. CHAMPIONSHIP. Thank God this is an online league and I don't look like the guy in that commercial who can't pronounce his name. A No. 2 WR who puts up No. 1 WR numbers, the same as...

4 (48). WR Anquan Boldin. And here's another one of those guys. He's always put up numbers in the desert, but who knows what the Cardinals' new offense is gonna look like.

5 (65). RB DeAngelo Williams. So I was having computer problems getting into the draft and this is when I finally showed up as I was on the clock. I don't know what the Panthers' deal with DeShaun Foster is except that he can't stay healthy. Even so, I'm not a fan of this pick now that I look at it.

6 (76). QB Matt Leinart. I feel like I always take my second quarterback too early. I don't remember what the board looked like at this point, but there wasn't anyone else I saw and thought "I have to have that guy." Except maybe for...

7 (93). TE Dallas Clark. I did consider him for a few seconds at 6. I'm a little surprised he fell this far.

8 (104). WR D.J. Hackett. Has the inside track on the Seahawks' No. 2 WR spot and I'm counting on him as my main flex guy. This pick pissed somebody off, I think, possibly Jet. So that's always a good thing.

9 (121). RB LaMont Jordan. Bob said afterwards, "Well, it was bound to happen." But there's no quarterback in Oakland, Dominic Rhodes is suspended for the first four games, terrible O-line or not. And he's only a third guy here.

10 (132). Miami DEFENSE. Because you have to have one.

11 (149). K Robbie Gould. Same deal here.

12 (166). WR Marty Booker. His numbers might jump up if Trent Green has anything left.

13 (177). TE Marcus Pollard. He's a backup.

14 (188). WR Nate Burleson. If anything happens to Hackett, Burleson moves up a spot. He'll also provide return yards.

15 (205). WR Antwaan Randle El. The Redskins paid way too much for this guy last year and didn't get a whole lot back. It occurs to me that I have a lot of semi-interchangeable guys at the bottom of my roster, so there might be a move that comes out of this.