Wednesday, December 7, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10: Ones and Twos

Reminder that the last two Browns-Ravens meetings have been horrific tragedies.  Al and Cris again tonight. Twelve men on the field on the first play of the game? That’s how 0-9 teams roll. Oh, here’s the exiled Jaime Collins. This is exactly like when the Patriots shipped Richard Seymour to Oakland years ago and got a draft pick they probably used on a defensive back who didn’t pan out. (EDIT: They got a first-rounder, which they used on OT Nate Solder. So good job, it turns out.) And now that’s two time outs gone in the first five minutes. Tavon Young’s a starter? Hm. Why isn’t that grounding? Second quarter starts and the Browns manage to avoid a safety. Oh, Corey Coleman’s back. The Browns have never been under .500? EVER? That’s incredible. Touchdown… Browns? Well then. This is the longest two-minute drill ever, and I think the Ravens only got the ball with 1:20 left. And they’re still on their own side of the field. Well, not any more. Popping the receiver in the head will help the Ravens’ cause. Tucker field goal is good, because of course it is. 7-6 Browns at the half. Danny Shelton’s the only Ray Farmer first-rounder that isn’t a bust and he was the last one. (The first four -- Mingo, Richardson, Gilbert and Manziel) aren’t even on the team any more.) Ravens driving again. Touchdown that dude. Wait, McCown? What happened to Kessler?


What was THAT? Oh, Suggs got his arm. At least that means McCown didn’t throw that dying quail on purpose. Interception! I’M MIKE WALLACE. And I’m having a career renaissance. Flacco then throws a bad pick to Joe Haden in the end zone. Of course, the Browns go three and out because the Browns. Perriman! Didn’t this just happen? Touchdown Steve Smith SENIOR. A Ravens offensive lineman has been injured on both of their touchdown passes tonight. That’s… sub-optimal. Another Browns turnover. It’s already Storytime With Cris? There’s 10 minutes left. (Well, it IS the Browns.) Perriman! Nice diving catch after the defender loses track of the ball. Yeah, there’s a bobble, but he never loses control, IMO. Call stands, as they usually have this season. Safety? This is challengeable, apparently. The whole ball has to be out of the end zone in this situation. Holy crap, Justin Tucker.


(Ravens 28, Browns 7)

Signal Finder: ATL @ PHI, MIA @ SD, DAL @ PIT

“I’ve made a terrible mistake.” -Eric Weems, probably. Matthews stayed inbounds? Good job. He’d be a top-5 No. 2 receiver if he tightened up his catches. Eagles are cooking on this drive. Everything’s working and they’re inside the red zone. Touchdown Mathews. That was just one side out-muscling the other. That’s a quality tackle by Jenkins on Sanu to force the punt. A double-fake screen? Wow. Another good catch by Matthews. Sturgis… misses? That didn’t look good from the outset, either. Fantastic throw from Ryan to Jones for big yardage.


Another defensive stop forces the field goal. Another big play by Jones. Good cut by Freeman on that run. Critical sack by Barwin, helped by Graham’s rush. This first half seems quicker than most. FUMBLE. Is Wentz not down there? Oh, he never actually recovered the ball -- on the replay you can see it slide away from him. Graham with a sack, and he’s been low-key great this year. Look at the Eagles DBs out here making tackles. Bryant… misses? I almost thought he was going to hook it back in, as he owns the Eagles. ANOTHER fumble? Christ. Pereira thinks it’s incomplete. Both teams offenses are on the field as they review it. Incomplete pass. Remember what I said about Matthews tightening up his hands? That’s what I was talking about. That’s poor clock awareness by Wentz. There are three seconds left. And… nothing happens. 7-6 Eagles at the half. Eagles start the second half the way they started the first: marching down the field on the Falcons. Oh, Nelson. Wait, that’s a catch and worth a challenge. Reversed.


It’s only four yards, but it’s the principle of the thing. Sturgis makes it. Jones! And Mills is on him now with Carroll out, so that’s worth considering. Good pass breakup by McKelvin.
Celek got lucky there. Neal saved a big play, too. Mathews! This Falcons defense isn’t great, especially up front. Dwight Freeney (!) hit Peters with that spin move but Wentz got away and ran for a first down. Mathews… didn’t make it. Now what?


Sturgis is out. Kick is good. They probably should have run a quarterback sneak on second or third down. Ouch. Taylor Gabriel just set a hobbled McKelvin on fire. Touchdown Falcons. EXTRA POINT MISSES. SPECIAL TEAMS.


That’s interference. And that’s helmet-to-helmet. Pederson is livid and he should be.


55 yards? Really? He almost made it but "almost" means he didn’t make it. Burkhart’s right that this is a very important series now. Three and out. Why’s Bryant out here? The punter’s hurt? Oh, he got hurt on the last Barner return. I missed that. That’s a good punt. A Falcons neutral zone infraction gets the biggest cheer of the game from the crowd. Correction: The pass interference they just called got the biggest cheer of the game from the crowd. Touchdown Mathews! Going for two here.


Nope, but a flag. Defensive holding and I imagine they’ll do something else this time. Mathews run gets it. This has been a clean game up until about 10 minutes ago in real time. Now it’s a flag fest. Jones DROPS it! The Falcons had Sanu trying punts? Wow. I mean, he hasn’t caught a pass today; he oughta do something. Another Agholor drop. Then Najee Goode with a truly moronic hit on the punt returner out of bounds. That’s cut-worthy right there, win or lose. That OPI was like a basketball pick or something. Fourth and 5. Ryan goes to Jones… incomplete! Jenkins has been great today, yes. Wait, are the Eagles going for this? Fourth and 1 with 2:01 left. Sturgis has missed twice today, though. OK, they reconsider. It’s GOOD. (Eagles 24, Falcons 15)




And between the Vikings’ and Packers’ struggles, if the Lions weren’t the Lions… (Titans 47, Packers 25; Redskins 26, Vikings 20)

Some terrible attempted tackling by the Panthers on that Berry INT touchdown return.
Oh my God. Marcus Peters just stole that ball right out of Kelvin Benjamin’s hands.


Field goal is good and the Chiefs win. That hurts. (Chiefs 20, Panthers 17)

Hold up. WHAT happened in Broncos-Saints? The Broncos blocked an extra point and returned it for two? And he may have stepped out of bounds? My God.


(Broncos 25, Saints 23)

Welcome back to San Diego, perhaps again for the last time. The Dolphins get hit with two penalties on the same play: pass interference, then the face mask that the pass interference was. Good job, guys. Glad to see the Melvin Gordon we thought we were getting has arrived. Field goal Chargers. Antonio Gates STILL doing things. Including catching yet another touchdown from Rivers. The 82nd, Gumbel says. Tannehill got blasted, lofted that ball up, and Stills still managed to catch it for a touchdown. Gates again. The Dolphins can’t stop that. Until they can. 10-7 Chargers at the half. Touchdown Chargers, I think. Play’s practically out of camera shot. Yep. 17-14. Tannehill with a keeper for some reason. Trent Green doesn’t think that was the original plan. Jay Ajayi was very good at Boise State, but injuries and Boise State are why he was a fifth-rounder or whatever. Then the Dolphins find their backup running back for the touchdown pass and retake the lead. Muffed punt? Muffed punt! Chargers ball. That looks dangerous and, yep, intercepted. And there's another interception by Rivers, but the receiver may have overrun the route. In either case, Maxwell was right there. The Chargers defense is holding up its end now, though. This time Rivers finds Williams and he scores. Pick-six for Kiko Alonso, which is more than he ever did with the Eagles. Wait, that's the game-winner? Holy hell. (Dolphins 31, Chargers 24)

FUMBLE! Pressure never stops, rook. Pressure. Never. Stops. LaDarius Green’s gonna play today? Finally. Bell making moves. That’s a good catch by Bell on a not-great throw for the touchdown. The Steelers go for two here because they do this. Elliott. Looks like Dex overran that route. Packers-Titans just ended. Bailey good from 80 or whatever. Free play and Roethlisberger finds Rogers. That’s two free plays on this drive for the Steelers. Bell breaking tackles. This is close. Yeah, I don’t think he loses control at any point. Touchdown Steelers. They go for two again and don’t get it again. Terrible angle by Mitchell on the Elliott touchdown. Second time in two weeks he’s gotten embarrassed in the open field. Great catch by Brown, who got wrecked four different ways afterward. Fumble! Byron Jones can’t corral it and it goes out of bounds. Roethlisberger got hit from the back, then from the front, apparently. I don’t know what Aikman’s talking about when he says that he’s a runner there. He just threw the ball and he got hit in the head. That will be called every single time unless it happens to Cam Newton.


Roethlisberger finds Brown when he needs to, like he always does. Thanks for coming, Dak. Two-minute drill time. That’s… probably interference. And the Steelers end up with nothing. The Cowboys get no progress, either. So what’s all this? Defensive holding, but was it a catch? Probably not. Ruled incomplete, so we got a 55-yard field goal attempt, which would be a Heinz Field record for an NFL game. Wide right. 15-13 Steelers at halftime. Is Roethlisberger just throwing deep balls hoping to draw penalties? Because it just worked.
Buck and Aikman having the obligatory Romo conversation now. Has Elliott lost yards on any carry today? Try covering the punt, Steelers. Deep to Dez and that's a touchdown. I'd be remiss if I didn't restate the stat they gave us earlier that the Steelers have thrown the ball every single time they've gone for two this year. Because they just did it again and it didn't work (again). That penalty won't help matters. It's kind of amazing how it seems like there are either no incompletions in these situations or the drive goes three-and-out. These drives in these late-game situations never seem to stall at, like, the opponents' 45. That looked a little like the Steelers let Elliott score so they could get the ball back. Cowboys should kick the extra point here but they don’t, and they don’t get the two. Remember: the Cowboys’ defense kind of stinks. FAKE SPIKE. TOUCHDOWN STEELERS. My God. And of course the Steelers will pass for this two-point conversion because that’s what they do.
That's a face mask. That’s also a face mask, but this one was called. ELLIOTT AGAIN. God. Untouched.





The next time we see Tony Romo, he’ll be playing Champions Tour golf. (Cowboys 35, Steelers 30)

Sadly, there will be no Bennett brothers showdown tonight, as Michael is still injured. This is… expected. How do you stop this? Especially when it seems like it’d be so easy to. 



Kickoff out of bounds? CUT HIM. Not a lot of stopping going on so far. Touchdown Baldwin. Blocked extra point? Grand. So they call this a completion and a fumble by Gronkowski, which probably won’t withstand a review. Overturned. It’s a completion. Then Brady tries to launch one deep and it gets picked off.




Wilson almost just gave it right back. Is that a fumble? Should the Pats have challenged? Because they didn’t. Offside. Did it rain up there today or something? There’s some stuff coming up off the turf. I can’t tell if it’s water or what. Jesus, Blount. He’s down there practically fighting dudes. Touchdown Patriots. Wilson jogs around and finds Baldwin, who Patrick Chung completely lost, for a touchdown. Blount made that look too easy for a man who rumbles like he does. Who’s this Flowers dude? He’s been active as hell tonight. Martellus Bennett’s been on fire tonight. Brady just dropped one into Edelman’s basket. Brady’s not making this. Clark just sacked him with one hand while being blocked. Gostkowski still gives the Pats the lead back. Prosise is having a game.




Carroll’s challenging this second down run that was ruled short. Call stands. No way to overturn that. Then a false start. Then an incompletion. Field goal puts the Seahawks back in front. SPECIAL TEAMS. FUMBLE. Patriots get it back. Edelman catches a bullet, then HE coughs it up and Sherman picks it up! More Prosise. Touchdown BALDWIN!




Seahawks try for two because that’s gone so well for everyone else today. No good.






Still, it’s 31-24. Edelman! Gronk! Look at him track this ball, too. That’s a bit far for a QB sneak, isn’t it? Blount leaps and doesn’t make it. Another sneak! FUMBLE?! Patriots get it back. Yeah, Brady moved early. This doesn’t feel familiar at all, nope.




Gronk and Chancellor with the collar-and-elbow in the end zone and no flag. Seahawks win!! I’m shocked someone beat the Patriots. Shocked. (Seahawks 31, Patriots 24)

So much play action. The Giants have all these dudes nobody has film on. The hell Is THIS formation? Successful, is what it is. I think Eifert just got tired because Casillas wasn’t fast enough to catch him. Green! That didn’t take long and we’re tied. Mexico next week? All right then. More weird Bengals formations. Giants start at their own 1. Feels like a safety’s coming. Well, I’ve been wrong before. How about an interception instead? Nice ups by Kirkpatrick to come up with that. They’re reviewing this? OK? Stands. Oh, now I see. Well, that screen was poorly thought out. Field goal time. ELI RUNNING. That can only end in blood.




That’s against the… Bengals? OK. Touchdown Beckham. SPECIAL TEAMS. Hill scores almost immediately and does a poor mash-up of Cruz and Beckham’s celebrations. Sup, Coach. Miscommunication or something there on that long Eli pass attempt. SPECIAL TEAMS AGAIN. Gruden’s glad he gets to ask someone else if they’re ever coaching again for once. That is… incomplete. Hit the turf. Gio gets the Bengals' first third-down conversion tonight, except he doesn’t because of holding. And that IS holding. Wait, Brandon LaFell dropped an easily catchable pass? That’s never happened before. Good concentration by Beckham to bring that pass back in. Finally, the Giants break off a decent run. It’s been, like, a year and a half. Fourth down and the Giants are going for it. Seems early but OK. Touchdown! LANDON COLLINS, INTERCEPTING MACHINE. Bad throw by Dalton. And Eli gives it RIGHT BACK with an equally bad decision. The Giants’ defensive line just decided to tee off all of a sudden. Back-to-back sacks. Now they’re getting plays in the run game. It’s scary how quickly this flipped. That Jennings run pretty much locked this up. Way to give this one away, Bengals. (Giants 21, Bengals 20)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Dallas (8-1): So who's Rookie of the Year? Dak... or Zeke?
2. New England (7-2): Seriously, I can’t believe that happened
3. Oakland (7-2): Probably celebrating a little
4. Denver (7-3): There aren’t game-winning plays you’ll see stranger than the one they pulled off

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (2-7): And that’s not a good Tampa team they got waxed by, record aside
30. Jacksonville (2-7): Same old, same old
31. San Francisco (1-8): Got beat by a bad kicker
32. Cleveland (0-10): The Lake Erie Monsters did nothing wrong

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