Friday, December 30, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 15: Spots Mark The X

New coach on a short week? Good luck with THAT. MY EYES! MY EYES! THE GOGGLES DO NOTHING! I like that NBC seems to have settled on the Law & Order theme for replay challenges. Challenging spots? I’VE TOLD YOU PEOPLE A HUNDRED TIMES.
Kenny Britt’s hurt? Yeesh. Michael Thomas drops a great deep ball from Goff. Just dropped it. Then Quick falls down in the end zone (though the throw was a little off; it’s still a touchdown if Quick stays up.) They’re going for it. They JUST got that time out called. Gurley gets stuffed. They got it? Wow. Carroll’s gonna challenge THIS spot, too. And he’s gonna win! Seahawks ball and they get another challenge! Wilson with a nice run to convert. Really, Cris? A Gregg Williams defense is about legal hits? Baldwin’s short. What the hell, Carroll. You’re playing with fire now.


Call stands and Carroll loses the challenge. Fourth down lob is short, but the Rams get flagged for holding. Touchdown.


Rams fake punt attempt fails miserably. Mike Thomas is the guy who dropped the big pass from Goff earlier. Maybe throw it to someone else next time. Field goal is good. Wait, Fisher told Fassel he was getting the job? Yeah, I think Carroll’s a pipe dream. Maybe McDaniels, if he’s learned anything from last time? One of the many indictments against Fisher is not one Rams offensive player has improved during his tenure.


Hey, Gurley made a play! That’s the first one this year and what I was just talking about. What happened to that kid? Field goal Rams and that’s fine. Fassel coached in Amsterdam for player fine money. Fisher’s son is still on staff? That’s gotta be tough. 10-3 Seahawks at the half. Chancellor down. Could be serious since the Seahawks are already without Earl Thomas. Jim’s here! John Fassel looks creepily like his old man. Graham! Did Rawls’s shoes come untied? This should be an interception in the end zone. Graham never had it, and the defender had it and got both feet inbounds. It’s ruled incomplete, but the Rams are challenging. Call stands. Huh. I guess he didn’t have control? Baldwin faked homeboy out of his jockstrap and catches the touchdown pass.

Touchdown Lockett! This might be over. Nice catch by Britt over the middle. Goff is sacked by Bennett, and it’s followed by two penalties. Then Bennett kills two men, including Gurley.


Wait, Keenum’s in? How’d that happen? Oh. That’s how. Also, we got through that third quarter pretty fast if there’s only 7:30 left now and the Rams are going for it on fourth and 11. Keenum overthrows everybody. Fake punt by the Seahawks and Ryan has a ton of running room OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED. I was wondering why he was holding the ball above his head but the ball slipped out of his hands and he got blasted.


Collinsworth has a point: The Rams, who had a rep of pushing the line under Fisher, might think the Seahawks were trying to embarrass them with that fake punt and may react accordingly. Well, at least it ended peacefully. (Seahawks 24, Rams 3)

Why is this game happening? Who’s calling this game with Tirico? OK, that is Nick Marshall the former Auburn quarterback. Solid catch and run by Powell to convert that third down.
Touchdown Anderson. Oh, it’s Flutie? All right then. Why are we acting like Matt Moore is this massive drop-off from Tannehill? The Dolphins might want to find Powell when he’s on the field. Suh making plays. Petty got wrecked. Fumble? Dolphins ball! Well, this was a damn catastrophe. Moore gets stepped on by his center and damn near fumbles as the Jets crash through the line. Oh man. That knee might be out of bounds. This is close. Oh, they reversed the call and it’s a touchdown! Extra point is missed, then Tirico tells us that Franks’s warmup was… less than spectacular. Enunwa’s has a good year for someone who wasn’t supposed to. Interception Cameron Wake? OK then. No clue what Petty might have been looking at there. Dungy has joined the booth. Is that a free spin for the Dolphins? OK then. Jets going for fourth and 1. NOPE. And now the Jets lose a challenge. Stills! All he does is run deep posts but he’s pretty good at it. This PAT is successful. Marshall dropped that because he got ahead of himself. That’s a clutch conversion. Field goal is good. Chris Rose is leading the halftime crew? This is B-team all the way around. Look at the end zones: No team logos. Because the Giants play at 1 tomorrow, there’s not enough time to repaint them, so the stadium crew is just going to change over all the signage. Who planned this? Blocked punt! TOUCHDOWN DOLPHINS! Maybe a legal formation would have prevented that, Jets. He just ran past the guy. Then the Dolphins get an interception. Petty’s gotta learn to not throw into coverage that tight. Moore finds Landry, then Sims, who tries to drag Calvin Pryor into the end zone and fails. Ajayi didn’t get in there? Huh. Sims did.

Moore to Landry and he’s GONE. Touchdown Dolphins and this has become a disaster.
Good adjustment by Anderson on an underthrown and rushed Petty pass. Petty’s down. Suh and Wake crushed him. It’s still the third quarter? Christ. Why the hell is Fitzpatrick in this game?

That's as good a reason as any, I suppose. (Dolphins 34, Jets 13)

Signal Finder: PIT @ CIN, PHI @ BAL, GB @ CHI (end), JAX @ HOU (end), NE @ DEN

Disgraceful tackling by the Bengals on this kickoff return. Let's swap field goals, shall we? Dalton cashes in the pass interference with a successful sneak. LaFell's killing it on this drive. That's some power running by Hill. 17-3 Bengals. I thought Coates knocked that away from Jones but it went off Jones’s hand. Burfict and DeCastro just collided head-on and Burfict got the worst of it. Touchdown Brown. OR NOT. They flagged Bell with a chop block. Now it’s fourth and 25! Kick is good but that penalty cost the Steelers four points they really needed. Then Boswell saves a touchdown on the ensuing kickoff return. More field goals and it's 20-6 at halftime. At what point does Burfict’s stupidity outweigh his production? We crossed that bridge in college when Arizona State finally kicked him out, but what now? Hill tries to jog off and eventually does. The Bengals keep knocking down passes. Boswell’s 5 for 5. That never ends well. There’s your trademark Dalton terrible interception. And this drive also ends in a field goal. ANOTHER dust-up? Jebus. Someone’s gonna get hurt out there. TOUCHDOWN STEELERS. They’ll pass for two because that’s all they know. Incomplete. 24-20.



In the week's biggest upset, we didn't get it. Came damn close, though. (Steelers 24, Bengals 20)

This Week’s Game That Shouldn’t Have Been This Close: 

I mean, he's been bad most of the season. But Tom Savage? Are we really seeing this?
It’s amazing the Jaguars have somehow never lost nine in a row. Bortles immediately throws an interception to end all suspense.



Is this already the end for Osweiler? It’s the end for Gus Bradley, who the Jaguars just Lane Kiffined. (Texans 21, Jaguars 20)

That’s a good return by Barner. That’s a regrettable error. End around goes for about 40. This is relatively pedestrian for Tucker, as Merrill just said. “Wide guy”? Really? Dudes running in from 20 yards downfield saying the Eagles have this fumble. I mean, they’re right, but still. Touchdown Mathews. They’re going for two? Strange.



Mathews with the rare two-yard leap over the pile. 11-10 Eagles. Good scramble by Barner to get the first down, but now he’s back down. Agholor drops a third and 1. The Eagles might go for it here from the Ravens’ 37. They do and Ertz picks it up. This has been a long drive. Sturgis field goal is good. Flacco just overthrows Smith. Then he finds Smith for a touchdown two plays later after he roasts Mills down the sideline. 20-14 Ravens at the half. Eagles give up a big run to start the second half but still force a punt. Wentz throws an interception on a deep ball to Matthews but it’s negated by a penalty. Then the same guy (Orr) hits Byron Marshall out of bounds. They don’t get it but oh well. A few nothing drives and then Marshall starts to find some holes. Wentz guns one to Ertz. The Eagles have actually has success running the ball today. Sturgis field goal makes it 20-17. The Eagles are bad at stopping runs to the outside, have been all year, and it just cost them again.
Agholor… apparently got knocked out of bounds before he got the first down stick. Moose just showed us that he could and probably should have cut inside sooner. I’M MIKE WALLACE! Interception Hicks! And Flacco ends up making the tackle.



How does DGB get the ball knocked out of his hands by a guy eight inches shorter? Sturgis makes the field goal. Did they kick it deep? Wow. Good stand by the defense. That Ertz catch didn’t need to be that difficult, Wentz. Two flags on that one. Young tried to tackle Agholor. Good call. The Eagles still have their time out! TOUCHDOWN WENTZ! He ran it in himself! NOW WHAT? They’re going for it. Why the hell not? Pass Is deflected and incomplete. (Ravens 27, Eagles 26)

It’s COLD.



This game’s still going? It’s TIED? What the hell, Packers? Alshon Jeffrey’s back? Oh. That’s a ROCKET! You can’t throw a football better than that. Crosby’s up. It’s GOOD! 



(Packers 30, Bears 27)

Can anybody here field a punt? Anyone? Anyone at all. McManus skirts the upright and we’re tied at 3. A Golf Coaches award? All right then. Siemian’s doing a good job of sticking with his best guys in the passing game. Although, that same thing just burned him there as Ryan jumped the route on that interception. That’s the second fumble the Patriots have lost and recovered on this drive. Dion Lewis (who’s still alive, apparently) got stuffed. Blount pounds it in because that’s what he does.


Not sure if that was the best strategy, considering that they only have three points.
Brady tosses up a floater that Edelman finds. Gostokowski cashes in and that feels daggerish considering how well the Pats are playing defensively.



Brady’s next playoff game will be his 32nd, Nantz just said, pointing out that that’s two full seasons. Still nothing on offense from the Broncos. When’s the last time both Super Bowl participants missed the playoffs the following season? Bennett! (The answer is 2003.) Another Patriots field goal and this really feels over.





(Patriots 16, Broncos 3)

Have a day, Raiders. (Raiders 19, Chargers 16)

FLEXING.


There’s that, too. Chris Conte’s still in the league? Why? Elliott practically drove through that hole. Darren McFadden lives? This will test an improved Bucs defense. Bailey’s kick is… short? The hell?
Aguayo’s on and the adventure begins. This one’s pretty short, though. And it’s good! 3-0 Bucs. Prescott practicing even distribution. Well, he was 9 for 9. Doug Free, still the weakest link. “Pretty Woman” for some reason. Bailey hits and we’re tied. That is a fumble and Cowboys ball. Dez drops a touchdown pass. Brent Grimes: the Doug Christie of the NBA. Did Elliott jump into the Salvation Army kettle? That’s not dangerous at all. Al is baffled by the Romo speculation. It’s called “because they’re Cowboys fans, Al.” Prescott with a wide-open run. Did 19 catch that inbounds? He did. OK. It’s amazing the holes these guys have to run through. 17-3. Winston headbutted a dude?



So its second and goal from the 28. Looks like a field goal. Bailey missed AGAIN? Cut him. Why does Prescott already have 25 pass attempts? The Bucs don’t appear to be ready for this. Or maybe they are?


Yeah, Jerry’s grandson won a state title in JerryWorld yesterday. Kershaw and Stafford went there. Slick catch by Cameron Brate, who seems ready to assume the NFL Harvard Man status. Has Doug Martin played tonight? Brate fighting for more yards. Touchdown Brate and the Bucs are ahead! Whoever was in coverage for the Cowboys got wrecked. Can’t let Elliott get free. Bailey hits and we’re tied. This place is legitimately loud. Interception! That’s he second turnover that’s been caused by someone hitting Winston’s arm tonight -- that pass sailed on him because his elbow got clipped. Holding takes a Cowboys touchdown off the board. Witten fumbles! Bucs ball in Cowboys territory. There’s Martin. Wow, they blew all of their blocks on that screen pass. It’s amazing it wasn’t completely blown up. Good stop by the Cowboys’ defense. Dez gets the Cowboys out of their end zone. Again: You. Can’t. Let. Elliott. Get. Free. ANOTHER Bailey field goal.






2:58 left for the Bucs. Winston just misses Evans and that might do it. But the Bucs get a stop as Prescott smartly slides behind the line of scrimmage. Bucs recover that fumble but they’re losing time. And that interception will put this one on ice. That was chaotic. (Cowboys 26, Buccaneers 20)

Greg Olsen sighting? OK. No Kuechly tonight and there’s no reason to risk him in a lost season.



Gano uses the post for leverage. Cam takes yet another hit and that arm’s kinda dangling. We’re already pushing Lions-Cowboys next week? I find it a little weird that Washington’s throwing to the middle of the field with two rookie corners to pick on. Hopkins field goal is good. Ginn can’t hold on. Lather, rinse, repeat. But he caught THAT one. Whitner was like, “Look, I got no shot here.” Vernon Davis is 32? He’s been around that long? Cousins makes a bad decision and Kurt Coleman makes him pay for it. He's got six interceptions against Washington? Wow. Olsen should have just let that drop because he ended up losing yards. Man, that story makes Jay Gruden sound like a dick. The linebacker covering Olsen just fell down. Stewart with a wildly entertaining 10-yard run: reverses field, jumps over Norman INTO Baker, then spins away from him and gets three more yards. They flagged Newton for THAT? Come on. And he got hit late again to rub more salt in the wound. Um, I’d like examples of when Coleman played well for the Eagles because I never saw it. Terrible tackling on that big DeSean play. Touchdown Rob Kelley after a drive that probably shouldn’t have played out the way it did. Extra point is MISSED. Gruden doesn’t see anyone beating Alabama and I don’t either. Cousins fumbles! Panthers ball at the 1. Touchdown Tolbert. Norman almost picked off Cam there. The Panthers just had a tackle come across the line to the other side. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen that. These guys are out here fighting, breaking tackles, fighting for extra yards.



Field goal is good. 23-9 Panthers. That’s a great job by Desean to hold on to that. Reed is hurt. That’s the second shot he’s taken to that shoulder tonight. That’s a big fourth down conversion. Well, Reed will have plenty of time to rest that shoulder -- he just got tossed for connecting with a punch. That may have cost Washington four points. Not sure. Toler may have just gotten hit in the head by his own teammate.
Uncatchable? Ummm, maybe if the guy wasn’t being held up.


Don't really like all these outside runs the Panthers are calling. I might have taken one of those penalties if I was Washington.



Maybe they knew something, because Gano misses badly. That’s a flag and that poor cheerleader also paid the price. She’s up! Good. Cousins will be fine. I think I agree with Gruden that maybe the Panthers shouldn’t have accepted that penalty but I think Rivera trusts his defense. Field goal is good and it’s an eight-point game. Then Stewart does exactly what Washington couldn’t let him do. Tolbert gets another first down. Are the Panthers gonna score again?



Gano makes this one, so, yes. Are Newton and Norman working out a wager? (Panthers 26, Redskins 15)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Dallas (12-2): Home sweet… home?
2. New England (12-2): Making statements in their own way
3. Oakland (11-3): Phase Two complete
4. Kansas City (10-4): Andy Reid vs. The Game Clock: A rivalry for all time

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (3-10): Oh, that one hurts
30. Jacksonville (2-12): Classic choke job
31. San Francisco (1-13): It’s the 60’s all over again
32. Cleveland (0-14): The Cleveland Fusion did nothing wrong

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