Thursday, December 29, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 14: Granting Needed Respites



It’s cold out there. And already we’ve got a muffed punt. Looks like Reid’s about to blow a challenge. Yup. So what’s this? They called it a catch and fumble. Looks accurate -- Cooper definitely wasn’t down, but he may not have had control. And he didn’t. Wait, what? So after all that, it’s still 3-0. Is Maclin still out? Smith goes deep? TOUCHDOWN.



Bo Jackson highlights? Oh, right, he played in both cities. Alex Smith completes to himself and I think he’s done that before. Yep. Al just said it was the third time. Travis Kelce finds space. Was he across the line? Apparently not. Flags? Oh, they caught the Raiders offside while hurrying up to snap the ball again. Touchdown West. Man, Alex Smith was salty about that comment by Del Rio. Hill makes up for that earlier muff by taking this one to the house, right as Collinsworth points out that the Raiders punt unit may have been a little tired after the penalty.



Derrick Johnson being helped off isn’t good news for the Chiefs. Murray’s tall for a running back, isn’t he? I’m pretty sure the Raiders called that fade on purpose to try to draw a flag. It worked. This is going to be close. And if it’s not a touchdown, the clock’s going to start right away. Touchdown Raiders. Smith can’t do that.



Carr overthrows everyone and the Raiders have to settle for three. Oh, there’s Maclin. Khalil Mack forces a fumble! Raiders ball! Bad snap on the field goal attempt and the Raiders end up with nothing. Wow. Al says that penalty puts the Raiders over 1000 penalty yards for the year. Collinsworth: “Congratulations.” Smith throws into double coverage for some reason. He does it again three drives later and somehow Kelce catches it this time. The Raiders have had trouble capitalizing, to say the least. Cooper lost track of that one or he’d have scored otherwise. Pass interference on the Chiefs and Andy’s hot about it.



Fourth and six with 3:20 left and the Raiders have no choice. Roberts! And he loses his footing. Is the field slick? Now a fourth and 1. WHO MOVED? The Raiders. They could have run the ball there, with 2:01 left and the two-minute warning coming. Now they have to throw. That’s a great play and possibly ball game.



The Chiefs are back in first. (Chiefs 21, Raiders 13)

Signal Finder: WAS @ PHI, NYJ @ SF, AZ @ MIA (end), SEA @ GB

That bootleg may have been designed. Lynch may be the first guy to bring up that things went south as soon as Lane Johnson got popped for roids or whatever. I think the Eagles tried to pull the Redskins offside there (and almost succeeded) but they changed their minds and kicked the field goal anyway. I didn’t realize how close they were at first. Hey, a third-down stop that they didn’t botch.



Uh-oh, Sproles is limping? That’s definitely pass interference. Kerrigan almost got Wentz again, but Allen Barbre held him up for long enough for him to find Burton. That appears to be legal. Wentz throws toward a well-covered Ertz and it gets picked off in the end zone. That’s not very smart either, Jenkins. CLANG! That was LOUD. Wentz takes a hit but still finds Ertz. That’s not a penalty? I wouldn’t go for it here. Oh, look, another Eagles false start. Forty-five? My God. 6-0. OH MY GOD A SACK. That’s not a catch by Garcon and whoever told Pederson not to challenge made a mistake. Then Kelley runs right through the defense for a touchdown. OK, that new replay makes the Garcon catch a lot closer. Wentz pulls another escape act, but just underthrows Burton for what would have been first and goal. Turner! Burton converts a big third down, which the Redskins have been awful at stopping this season. Touchdown Sproles!
Illegal block brings the touchdown back. That’s the actual worst. Christ. DeSean and McKelvin both got turned around, DeSean found the ball (which wasn’t well thrown) and walked into the end zone. Go to hell, Chip.



Can no one on this team pick up a blitz? Pederson goes for it on fourth down again and Ertz finally converts. So Jon Dorenbos is hurt, and Celek’s the backup long snapper, and the snap on that field goal attempt went bad and you can guess what happened next. Pederson’s challenging this Jackson catch. Stands. Garcon beats Carroll for the touchdown and this is about to get out of hand.


Now Celek's hurt. McKELVIN’S REVENGE!!!! That’s only the third interception by an Eagles cornerback this year. Like, the Eagles can’t kick anymore today, can they? Crowder didn’t get both feet down there and the Eagles should win this challenge. Sproles got CRUSHED on that punt return and now there’s a fight. That might be ejection worthy. Also, Mathews is the only running back the Eagles have left. Wentz converts on a sneak on fourth and short. Apparently Mychal Kendricks is practicing long snaps. Now Burton’s doing it.



Fourth and 1 AGAIN. This is WILD. Time out Eagles and it looks like they changed their minds. Burton’s gonna snap it. It’s high. Kick is GOOD!



That’s not a catch by Crowder? Gruden should probably challenge this. He does and it’s correctly overturned. Fourth and 1 for the Redskins now. Massive play here. (That was really close on that time out call.) Caught by Garcon. Second time today the Eagles defense has offered zero resistance and the Redskins take the lead on Thompson’s run. Kerrigan just killed both Matt Tobin and Wentz, and Washington beats the Eagles AGAIN.



Christ. (Redskins 27, Eagles 22)




Le’Veon Bell just buried the Bills. 298! My God.



crosses off Bills (Steelers 27, Bills 20)

Lovely weather you’re having, Miami. Feels like the real Ryan Tannehill has returned these last two weeks. Seriously, how is Catanzaro still on the Cardinals? He’s terrible. Matt Moore lives! Palmer drops the snap. There’s 1:44 left, FYI. This may be the slowest two-minute drill of all time. It’s certainly up there. Wait, RPI has a football team? Why are the Dolphins taking so long? Don’t run the ball here! CALL TIME OUT. Jebus. Here’s the kick. GOOD! crosses off Cardinals (Dolphins 26, Cardinals 23)

SOUND THE TUNDRA ALARM. WE HAVE A FROZEN TUNDRA ALARM. Rodgers dropped that right into Adams’s basket. Bad snap on the Hauschka field goal but good recovery. Jon Ryan wears his wedding ring on the field? That seems dangerous. Some miscommunication between Michael and Rodgers on that blown handoff. Crosby from 51… no. Not sure why the Packers took Cobb off punt returns. Burnett with the interception after Graham falls down. I’m with Aikman -- that wasn’t gonna end well for the Seahawks in any respect. Burnett’s coverage was too good. That’s how you thread a needle. Cook’s been revitalized in Green Bay, and I’d hazard a guess that the Packers’ rally has been led by his ascendance. Rushing touchdown by Montgomery. Buck: “He’s gonna have to change his number.”


Touchdown Nelson and this might be getting out of hand. The Seahawks can’t win on the road, and they’re a half away from losing a first-round bye. The Packers have the ball again somehow.



How much time’s left? 1:49? They could score again here. Or not. Now the Seahawks are driving. Wilson can’t capitalize on a free play here. Whoa! That’s a great play by Randall to pick that off. 21-3 Pack at halftime. Cook out with a chest injury, Erin says. Another interception for Wilson, this one in the end zone. New punter for the Packers? ANOTHER interception thrown by Wilson but that one’s on Baldwin, who should have caught it. Not sure why McCarthy’s challenging this besides that he’s a bad coach. Incompletion confirmed. That’s a catch. So is that touchdown to Nelson. Hey, Wilson's completing passes to his own guys. That's a welcome change. Alex Collins sighting. Touchdown Seahawks. Aikman was almost a Packer? That’s a fun “what if”. Wait, what happened to Rodgers? Who even is the Packers’ backup? Brett Hundley? Wow. Interception No. 5 and it might be time for Wilson to take a powder. Game ends after a Seahawks turnover, because of course it does. (Packers 38, Seahawks 10)

Meanwhile, the 49ers just got their first interception by a cornerback this season. That was Petty’s first pass. Touchdown Hyde, who can’t be dragged down by a cornerback. Touchdown Shaun Draughn and it’s 14-0 Niners. Nobody asked for this. Dawson misses a possible game-clincher in the second quarter. That's how bad the Jets have looked so far. Petty wisely dumps that one with the Jets in field goal range. Kick’s good. This is a great catch by Enwunwa and it better stand. The hell are you doing, Chip?
Torrey Smith down for the 49ers and Trent Green relating his own concussion experiences.
Maybe put Kaep under center for once. Because this offense isn't working right now. Meanwhile, Petty looks like Joe Montana on this drive. Powell finishes it off with a touchdown and Petty gets the two-point conversion himself. Still nothing from the Niners. Folk from 50. We're tied, if you can believe that, and with these two teams, you probably can. 

Seriously, nobody asked for this. Fourth and 2 from the Jets 37 and the 49ers run Hyde. who gets stonewalled. That was the first time they'd crossed midfield since the first half. That's Temple's Robby Anderson with that big catch. Powell! Touchdown! Jets… win? (Jets 23, 49ers 17, OT)

No JPP but Shane Vereen is back for the Giants.


Do we have a #SpotChallenge here? No? Good. Al pointing out that with this back and this line, why not go for it? And Elliott gets it. Someone forgot to cover Terrence Williams. Oh, that’s a SICK fake. Brutal. Bad drop by Beckham on third down, but he makes up for it by piking up fourth and 3. FUMBLE. Cowboys recover. Then Prescott returns the favor with a rare interception. Vereen out with a concussion. Another fumble by Eli and it’s Cowboys ball again. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL, FOR THE LOVE OF GOD. McAdoo’s challenging that Free was down by contact after recovering this Prescott fumble and he’s correct.

Bailey from 55 is… likely. OFF THE CROSSBAR NO GOOD. 7-0 Cowboys at halftime. Church just dropped an interception, and the Giants did Jason Garrett a favor by getting the next play off before he could throw the challenge flag. Beckham back on this punt return and he may have muffed it or it hit him or something. Still, the Giants keep it. Beckham can’t catch anything right now. Some nice catches by Beasley. Oooh, Prescott got greedy there and got picked off. There’s Beckham, beating the entire Cowboys’ back seven for a touchdown. Is Damon Harrison’s mouthpiece fangs? Look at the G-Men getting things done on defense. Have we even mentioned Dez Bryant’s name tonight? If I’m the Giants I don’t throw any passes on this drive. Clearly, I’m not the Giants. Cowboys hold and the Giants have to punt. Then Prescott almost throws another pick but DRC can’t hold it. Bryant with a catch -- FUMBLE. Collins recovers! Giants only gain seven and they’re thinking about going for it. Or at least trying to get the Cowboys to jump. It doesn’t work and they decide to… punt? OK? Down at the two-yard line! THAT ball hit the ground! Dez didn’t catch that one, either. (Giants 10, Cowboys 7)

Ravens ball already? Huh.


That’s a bad decision by the Ravens' punt returner and a great move by Slater. Safety!
Jzurzyck with a big run, which should make you wonder. Field goal is BLOCKED! Shea McClellin, another one of those reclamation projects only the Pats make work. It’s also notable that that’s the only way you’re getting Tucker to miss. Guy was a first-round bust with the Bears and he goes and does that. Brady with a bullet to Edelman. James White lives! Blount bulls his way into the end zone. 9-0 Pats. Another big play by White and he almost outran all those dudes. And a big run by Blount follows. Touchdown Malcolm Mitchell and I just lost one of my fantasy football playoff games. Flacco heaves it up into double coverage and McCourty picks it off. Flag? Holding during the return. Still Patriots ball, but that’s pretty serious. Also, McCourty wasn’t touched down, I don’t think. They’re saying he was? Huh. No holding penalty, though. Thank God Hochuli was here to explain that one. Jeff Triplett would still be talking. More big plays all over the place. Good tackle on Hogan by Zack Orr to delay the inevitable. He’s their leading tackler? Hm. Interception? Interception! Nice camera work, ESPN. Brady got pasted and the ball ended up in orbit for about two seconds before Weddle Willie Maysed it.


They called that for a false start? Wow. Good job by the Ravens getting the ball back here. Tucker field goal is good. 16-3 Patriots at halftime. That’s one of the shortest flea-flickers I’ve ever seen.



The one RGIII javelined into triple coverage yesterday was longer. About time Martellus Bennett showed up. They’ll need him without Gronk. Touchdown Bennett! Wallace with a crucial drop. Gruden’s putting that on Flacco? Sure, it was a little short but it was there. This Jones kid needs to take a powder. That’s three mistakes he’s made fielding punts tonight.



Ravens ball at the Patriots 3. Touchdown!



SPECIAL TEAMS. What is going ON out there? After a rough start, Dixon cashes in and it’s suddenly a six-point game. Can this Jones kid do ANYTHING? Botched three punts and just got toasted by Perriman.



Field goal and it’s 23-20 somehow. HOGAN!! Did someone blow a coverage? My God. That wasn’t even close. Harbaugh looks confused. Dixon’s knee was down. Gotta keep your feet, rook. That ball’s gotta go to the sideline, right? Smith can’t get caught inbounds, right? Tucker barely makes that one. Onside kick does… not succeed.



Blount just wrecked Weddle for a big first down. And again Blount converts to seal it. (Patriots 30, Ravens 23)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Dallas (11-2): Have we rediscovered a nemesis?
2. New England (11-2): The Ravens just cut Devin Hester. Upgrade?
3. Kansas City (10-3): May be the nemesis the Raiders have rediscovered
4. Oakland (10-3): Somewhat surprising road stumble

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (3-10): #LionsMagic strikes yet again
30. Jacksonville (2-10): Stayed within 10 of the champs. Moral victory?
31. San Francisco (1-12): Gave up 20 unanswered to the flippin’ Jets
32. Cleveland (0-13): AFC Cleveland did nothing wrong

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