Wednesday, December 28, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 13: Put It In Park

No Mike Zimmer tonight because he’s having emergency eye surgery. And for some reason, neither of the two men on his staff who have been head coaches (Tony Sparano & Pat Shurmur) are interim coach tonight. Mike Preifer, the special teams coach, is. Sup, Pentatonix.

One thing about Elliott: He does fumble. Oh, he’s down? Yeah, he’s down. This, on the other hand, is definitely a fumble. Why get cute with a reverse to Lucky Whitehead on third and 1? This year really has been a roller coaster for Bradford. Dez! Elliott finishes it off. 7-3 Cowboys. Zimmer’s listening to the game at home because he can’t watch it. An interception is wiped out by a penalty on Scandrick. People forget that Kellen Moore was Romo’s actual backup (and actually got hurt first). Now Bradford’s down after taking a hit to the ribs behind this abomination of an offensive line. Shaun Hill in. Now the Cowboys are trying to drive, but this sack by Hunter will put the kibosh on that, as well as send us to halftime. Bradford almost got McKinnon killed with that pass. Then he almost got himself killed by taking off, but he did slide at the end. Cowboys getting stuffed. Good punt by Jones to set the Vikings back a bit. “Wildcard?” This rookie Jones for the Cowboys has done some decent work this season. Forcing the receiver closer to the sidelines is a smart move for a kid. Bradford under pressure throws high and over Rudolph in the end zone. Vikings kick it. Prescott fumbles! And this one will stand. This feels like it’s been a fast game.
Forbath replicates Sunday night’s game winner from the opposite side and the Vikings take the lead. I’m not sure if this is the kind of game I was expecting tonight. It’s a rare Thursday situation where both teams have had a full seven days off. That would have been Witten’s first catch tonight if not for holding on Elliott. Critical sack. Is this a clear recovery? Refs say no. Cowboys challenge. Cowboys ball.



Bryant scores immediately after almost dropping the pass. Charles Johnson just missed that one, and the Vikings would have been back in front otherwise. That’s a terrible punt.



I thought that was him. "Bye Bye Bye?” That must be the NFL Network DJ’s call. Bailey never misses. How’d that pass to Rudolph not get intercepted? Punting is probably the best decision despite how bad they’ve been tonight. Prescott slides inbounds? Smart. Keeps the clock running… but he may have started his slide before the first down marker.



Vikings challenge and win, but then have to take a time out because the clock was about to start. Elliott just bailed out Prescott, who fumbled the snap. And that just bailed out the Vikings, who have a last chance here. Thielen and Patterson (!!) with big catches and they’re at the Cowboys’ 10. Cowboys jump offside, which will stop the clock regardless of what happens. TOUCHDOWN VIKINGS! Going for two… and the Vikings false start. Trying again and Bradford launches one into orbit. He’s mad because he was hit in the head, and he was.






That’s a damn shame. (Cowboys 17, Vikings 15)

Signal Finder: PHI @ CIN, BUF @ OAK, DET @ NO (end), NYG @ PIT




Why did the Bengals do that? The Eagles suddenly have a slim chance. And not any more, they don’t. That’s the third interception Wentz has thrown and he’s lucky he doesn’t have about five. And that’s the thing about Burfict that Brenneman’s talking about right now: he’s a really good player, but he’s also a dirty player who’s an idiot and always has been. That’s why he got suspended for the first three games of the season. Nugent furthers the left bank trend. 5-78 for Turner? Nice. Wentz hasn’t been good today but it sounds like he’s gotten no protection and the defense got shredded yet again. (Bengals 32, Eagles 14)

The Falcons now feel the Saints’ pain, and at the hands of another AFC West team, no less. (Chiefs 29, Falcons 28)

Because they’re the Raiders, and some things never change, an Illegal Formation penalty will wipe out that big catch-and-run by Cooper. The Oakland city tree is already up? Hm. Crabtree just dropped a touchdown and almost caused an interception. Then he gets hit with a bad taunting call. Janikowski still makes the ensuing field goal. Murray didn’t have to jump. Janikowski good again and it’s 10-9 Bills at the half. Try tackling McCoy instead of trying to keep pace with him, guys. Taylor reaches the corner and it’s 17-9. This isn’t a great group of receiver the Bills are sending out there and they’re rolling over the Raiders. Gillislee vultures another touchdown and it’s 24-9. Crabtree’s been much better on this drive. Touchdown Raiders. That wasn't a very good punt. BIG run by Richard, who seems to specialize in those. Rivera gets stoned at the 2. Murray dives into the end zone. The Raiders don’t need to go for two yet and they don’t. Did the Bills get this punt? Oooh, so close. They obviously saw something on the last one. THAT was quick. Touchdown Cooper, the Raiders lead, and the Bills are wondering what the hell happened. Taylor gets hit as he throws and it’s intercepted by… Nate Allen? He’s still alive? Murray with another touchdown and the two-point conversion makes this 29 straight points for the Raiders. (Raiders 38, Bills 24)

Jesse James just dropped a first down. HOLDING IN THE END ZONE. Aikman doesn’t see it right away, but that’s two points for the Steelers. The Giants forgot Ladarius Green was on the roster. That halfback option pass fell apart pretty quickly. Randy Bullock is the Steelers’ kicker because Chris Boswell somehow got hurt on Friday. How does a kicker get hurt in practice? Classic Eli pick. That touchdown’s a great play by both Roethlisberger and Brown -- there’s not much the Giants could have done about that. Coverage was good, they had Ben on the run… still scored. Also:

With no Bryant, no Wheaton, and a hobbled Coates, maybe 83 is the other guy who’ll need to help out on the outside. Or maybe Rogers, too. JPP down? Hmmm. Bell gets stopped short. Bullock is good and the Steelers get a hard 14. Giants decide to go for a fourth and 1 here and… nope. Shazier breaks up the pass and that’s all for that. Fumble? Probably, and probably Giants ball. And they cash in immediately with a touchdown pass to Jennings. Lawrence Timmons is pretty sure he was held. That’s a CATCH, DRC, and a really good job by Brown of working his feet. Green left open AGAIN and he strolls into the end zone.
Interception by Eli Apple, which the Giants badly needed. Oh, they’re not giving him the return yardage. Turns out they ruled him down. Then the Giants go for it on fourth and 13 and Eli gets intercepted again. Wild throw and Davis picks it. Feels like we haven’t heard much from Beckham today. No one open for the Giants and that feels like it.
(Steelers 24, Giants 14)

Um… the Buccaneers are in this thing somehow. AND they’ve been flexed into SNF against the Cowboys in two weeks. (Buccaneers 28, Chargers 21)

Ricardo Lockette raising the 12 flag. Derek Anderson? What? And he immediately throws an interception!



Then Wilson almost throws an interception off a shovel pass when he probably could have run it in himself. “Jimmy Olsen’s Blues?” Really, NBC DJ? Collinsworth can only figure something “happened”. Al: “But, like almost every punt return…” there’s an illegal block by the returning team. Did I know Michael Griffin was a Panther now? And it’s Week 12. Shouldn’t everyone have a PFF rating by now? Tyler Lockett just torched the sideline. Touchdown Rawls after like five moves.
Seahawks fail on a fourth and 5 from the Panthers 43, then get it right back on a fumble. Feels like that kind of night. But then the Panthers get one back. Uh-oh, Thomas is down again? Yep. And the Panthers go RIGHT THERE to Ginn for a touchdown.






That’s a good return by Lockett, who does good returns. Rawls with the speed of his own, striking back for the Seahawks. Somehow the first half isn’t over yet. Rawls is apparently in the concussion protocol, and both Prosise and Alex Collins were inactive. “Dress code violation” is why Cam didn’t start, Rivera said. Probably had some bullshit shoes on again. If Lockett stayed inbounds, he just housed this end around. Touchdown Seahawks and Al’s right -- they’re starting to look scary again. The spot on this Ginn catch may get challenged. Meanwhile, Tra Turner is down. Collinsworth: “There are no tackles left.” Wait, what? What are the Panthers doing here?


We’re never going to find out what actually happened with Josh Norman and the Panthers, are we? Newton gets picked off, but there may have been some… assistance. They got Newton for an illegal block? Oh. The interception doesn’t count, though, because there was interference. That’s the first catch for Funchess in about five weeks, isn’t it? Olsen looks completely done with this. Touchdown Jimmy Graham. There’s still 9:30 left? (Seahawks 40, Panthers 7)

Been a rough last few weeks for the Jets family with Joe McKnight’s death last week and Dennis Byrd a few weeks back. The Jets go three-and-out and the fans boo what should have been a Colts interception, which is odd. Dwayne Allen scored with no resistance. Low snap to Fitz, followed by an incompletion. McDonough: “The Jets might want to go back into the locker room, come out and start over again.”


Mike Pence in the house, in Woody Johnson’s box with some poor kid in a Fitzpatrick jersey. Hilton gets free down the sideline. Do the Jets know Dwayne Allen is on the Colts roster? He hasn’t been that open twice in a game since Pop Warner. I’m honestly convinced Fitzpatrick is only still on the roster because Geno Smith got hurt and they’d like a veteran around with Petty and Hackenberg. Still nothing from the Jets offense. What’s Sheldon Richardson thinking? Luck’s clearly out of bounds. Luck throws it away and it still gets caught for a first down. Oh, hey, a sack. Forte! Finally a play for the Jets. And tack on Roughing the Passer. Lot of unpleasantries going on for some reason. The Jets started it, which will knock them out of considering going for it. 14-3. Viniatieri from 53. His nephew kicked a game-winner against Villanova on Saturday in the FCS playoffs. Revis, who has lost several steps, just saved a touchdown by grabbing T.Y. Hilton’s leg. Position-specific helmets? That’s a new one. TOUCHDOWN ALLEN. THAT’S THREE.



Gruden spends the entire play discussing Petty’s performance in his one start, then Fitzpatrick throws an interception. Why is a linebacker covering Philip Dorsett? Doyle… fumbles into the end zone. That’s the right call and a touchback. Apparently half the fans have left, which is more than we can say for the Jets’ defensive back seven, which never arrived. Touchdown Moncrief. Petty time. Completion! Looks like a couple guys jumped the wall and got racked by security. That’s good defense. Nice punt return. Petty with a mistake borne of inexperience. Touchdown Hilton and it’s 41-3. Oooh, Pacers-Warriors. Jebus, Klay Thompson almost outscored the Colts in ONE HALF. (Colts 41, Jets 10)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Dallas (11-1): Got away with one, maybe
2. New England (10-2): This one was never in doubt
3. Oakland (10-2): That took guts
4. Seattle (8-3-1): For one night, things were perfect

BOTTOM 4:
29. N.Y. Jets (3-9): So many things have gone wrong, as usual
30. Jacksonville (2-10): Stayed within 10 of the champs. Moral victory?
31. San Francisco (1-11): Maybe they should move to Las Vegas
32. Cleveland (0-12): The Cleveland Gladiators did nothing wrong (and would probably be favored by 4.5)


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