Saturday, December 31, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Football-Playin' Jam

No Janoris Jenkins tonight after all. Lane Johnson back. Has this drive been all runs? Feels like it. DARREN SPROLES BACK. TOUCHDOWN. And look who made the block to keep that hole open.



Eliception! Touchdown Jenkins! It’s 14-0 immediately. Absolutely no reason for Eli to throw that pass. What was he looking at? Collinsworth is also baffled by Agholor’s struggles. Giants are now pinned at their own 5. Perkins breaks out for 20. Eli drops one into Beckham's basket, then a nice run by Jennings. This is pretty much exactly how the first game began, just in reverse. McKelvin got beat badly but recovered and ran underneath the ball. Hit him in the head.


DRC came from the other side of the field to intercept that pass. Good work by the defense to recover and force a three-and-out. Giants pin the Eagles deep. They sniffed out that third-down run immediately. Did that ball Cruz caught hit the ground? I don’t think so. DGB with a critical third down conversion. Wentz slides and gets hit late, and his name isn’t Cam Newton, so it’s getting called. Agholor caught a pass! Touchdown!!



Sturgis goes banking and it’s 21-6. That Cruz catch is about the third time tonight Watkins has been late to help. Couple Giants fans in blue Santa suits living dangerously tonight. That’s the fourth time Watkins has been late to help and it’s touchdown Shepard, who put a nasty move on Jenkins to get open in the first place. Eagles not lying down even though they get the second-half kickoff. This is too far for a field goal. Do they even have a receiver who can go 45 yards? Tipped but incomplete. Wentz almost made the same mistake again but Casillas couldn’t catch it. Now Watkins is hurt after making the tackle on that Jennings run. He may have saved a touchdown. Field goal is good and it’s 21-16. Wentz shares a birthday with LeBron, Tiger, and Sandy Koufax. Celek fumbles but Ertz recovers. Wentz gets driven into the ground by Vernon and that’s a personal foul. Wentz is scuttled and Chase Daniel is in.



Daniel dumps one off to Mathews who gets a first down. Yeah, he’s short. Pederson appears to be going for this, and it’s only a half-yard. Snacks is down? They go for it and it’s not even close. Eli airmails one and Jenkins picks it off. The Eagles really do bring out the worst in him. Longwood Gardens B-roll? Well, it is the holidays. Wentz is back after going through concussion protocol. Nice run by Sproles. Wentz slides and… fumbles. No, he’s ruled down. His knee is down, so.



And that was after he ducked under a sure sack to get the yards in the first place. Double reverse with Wentz blocking? That seems risky. This Agholor incompletion is worth challenging if only because it’ll make the field goal shorter. The Eagles win the challenge, and Sturgis hits from 41 instead from 48. Ah, the Drunk Santa episode. No reason to revisit that at all. Beckham keeps making plays. The Eagles stop Cruz and force the Giants into a field goal attempt. McKelvin with a critical pass breakup in the end zone. That’s a really generous spot on that Beckham catch. Pederson challenges, and he can because the play started before the two-minute warning.



Challenge is good. Fourth and 1. Who moved? False start Giants. Lot of contact and incomplete. Why are the Eagles passing on third down? Beckham back to field the punt but he fair catches it. 55 pass attempts for Eli and counting, probably. Graham almost got Eli, which probably would have ended the game. Too far for Beckham. INTERCEPTION! Tye might not have scored anyway with all the bodies down there. NOT IN OUR HOUSE. (Eagles 24, Giants 19)

Signal Finder: NYJ @ NE, MIN @ GB, MIA @ BUF, NO @ TB, AZ @ SEA (end)

 SATURDAY, Y'ALL.


It is RAINING. Bowles was hospitalized last night and didn’t travel with the team, meaning he’s as sick of this as we are. Oh, he is here? OK. Gostkowski hits it to start. I assume Petty’s at least seen rain before, if not played in it. High ball gets tipped and intercepted.
Petty’s hurt. Fitzpatrick warming up. The discussion predictably turns to Christian Hackenberg and Fouts isn’t a fan of rookies sitting, citing his own experience.



Folk misses the field goal. Another interception by Fitzpatrick. Hackenberg may not be ready but he can’t be worse than this. Edelman with a diving catch. Touchdown some other white dude. Matt Lengel? OK. 20-0 Pats. That’s a necessary pass interference by the Jets, as it may have prevented a touchdown. Iain just pointed out that the Jets called time out before that play, and Brady subsequently hits White for another touchdown. There are 25 seconds left in the half. The Pats were content to go into halftime up 20 and the Jets felt generous. No idea why we’re still here, as this game is completely meaningless in the big picture. Even Dolphins-Bills would be better at this point.


The saddest. (Patriots 41, Jets 3)

Aaaaand that’s where we go. 28-14 Dolphins near the end of the third. Just in time for Charles Clay to bounce off a Dolphins defender and score a touchdown. Field goal is… NO good! Clay in the back of the end zone… out of bounds! Rex wisely does not challenge. Watkins gets 9 on third and 10 and the Bills are going for it. Got it. Someone forgot to block 46. This one was weird -- everyone stopped for a second, then Taylor throws a ball that looks like a sure pick, but it falls incomplete and pass interference was missed. Bills kick the field goal. Now they  need a stop, and they get it. Good job. Flea-flicker to Woods for 40! Taylor’s third-down keeper is denied AND he gets pushed out of bounds, stopping the clock. Fourth down. TOUCHDOWN BILLS! Taylor threads the needle to Clay! 
Oh my god the Dolphins didn't get out of bounds on third down, and the field goal team has to come out on fourth and 3 with the clock running! This is madness. They get the kick off… IT’S GOOD!! Rex is saying he called time out, which would have been utterly moronic. Yeah, it looks like he called it juuuust too late. Overtime. Bills win the toss. Big run by Gillislee! Watkins snares that one before it hits the turf. Carpenter misses the field goal.
Now what are the Bills doing? Does Rex know the rules? They’re not gonna get the ball back, are they?



Nope, because Jay just broke off a 57-yard run. He’s hurt but he’s back in picking up a first down. The Dolphins are just trolling now. Franks in. IT’S GOOD. *crosses off Bills* (Dolphins 34, Bills 31, OT)

This is the Browns’ last shot, because they’re not winning in Pittsburgh. (Although I'd actually give them a better chance of beating the Steelers in Pittsburgh than in Cleveland.)


THEY BLOCKED THE FIELD GOAL.


Let’s try this again. WIDE RIGHT. BROWNS WIN.


(Browns 20, Chargers 17)

No Peterson either. Harrison Smith has two different 2’s on the back of his jersey. Vikings are DRIVING. They’re really leaning on Thielen for some reason. Bradford just overthrew him there on second and goal. Clay rushes him and knocks down the third down pass. Field goal good. How was Nelson, of all people, that wide open? Oh, his man fell down. 



Touchdown Adams. Guy dressed as the Grinch in the stands. Vikings falling apart right now.


Recap of the Vikings’ travel woes last night. The actual Vikings had an easier time reaching the continent for the first time. (The night before on Twitter while this was happening, Erin Andrews was wondering why they didn’t just use the emergency slides.) Wildcat? Fumble! (On the next play.) Packers ball. Nelson catches a long pass then breaks a tackle for four more yards. Then he makes a sliding catch in the end zone. 21-6 Packers. THIELEN! He literally walked the last 20 yards. OH NO HE DID THE LEAP. I’ve been spelling his name wrong. Hmmm. Geronimo! The Vikings secondary can’t cover anyone today. Nelson again. Rodgers with a bootleg of about 20 yards around before he puts a move on some poor bastard and scores.


That punt was… sub-optimal. Rodgers escapes a sack and finds Allison for another first down. That was almost a great catch by Adams; the throw was high, but it needed to be.
Rodgers to Rodgers and that’ll do it. Official down? Touchdown Diggs and he’ll be fined for losing that ball in the stands.

Onside kick? Can we get a ruling here? *crosses off Vikings* (Packers 38, Vikings 19)

NO. NOT MARIOTA. NO. About time the Jaguars showed up this year. crosses off Titans (Jaguars 38, Titans 17)

Mark Ingram scores the touchdown, which is important because it didn’t happen last week and would have triggered a bonus. The Saints have Jairus Byrd returning punts now? Well, gotta get something out of that contract, I guess. Only 14 yards on a flea-flicker is a waste, I feel. Brate's been a beast the last six weeks or so. There was quite the bit of contact on that Byrd interception but none of that caused it -- Winston threw it off his back foot and the pass had nothing on it. Touchdown Ingram, but there's still plenty of time for the Saints' alleged defense to give it all back. See? Heck of a way to start the third quarter. Despite my concerns (that I've voiced in this space for the last few years), Brees is still really, really good. It only makes the inevitable crash that much sadder. Touchdown Cadet, and an Ingram conversion puts the Saints back up 14. That catch by Evans though. Touchdown Bucs despite the interference. Hmmm. They're overturning this catch and fumble? Cooks! Field goal is good and it's 31-21 Saints. Oh, no, Jameis. The Bucs aren't ready quite yet. (Saints 31, Buccaneers 24)

Derek Carr broke his leg? Jesus. crosses off Raiders (Raiders 33, Colts 25)

The Cardinals seem to want to supplant the Rams as “division rival that manages inexplicable win over the Seahawks every year.” MISSED THE EXTRA POINT. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? A second Cardinals-Seahawks tie is actually in play here, which has never happened. Johnson with a big catch. Fitzgerald is stopped short! It’s the same situation the Dolphins had in Buffalo! Kick is… GOOD!!! And now the Falcons, of all teams, have jumped into the No. 2 seed in the NFC. This was WILD. (Cardinals 34, Seahawks 31)

Roof is CLOSED. It’s Tom Savage time, and I never thought I’d ever type that. Harlan and Gannon on the call, as they likely would have been if this game had aired on CBS. The big thing about Clowney is he’s finally been healthy for more than four weeks in a row. Wait, this guy’s name is “Core”? Nice pass breakup by Kareem Jackson. So much Hanukkah in this footage. Wait, Savage was at Arizona too? Is it possible he’s not good, either? Core had to play defense on a ball that Dalton threw too high. Is he really Will Fuller the Fifth? Someone on the Texans yelled "That’s an illegal formation!” and no flag was thrown.



Is Jeremy Hill playing? I’ve only seen Burkhead run the ball so far. Two-minute warning already? This may end up being the fastest first half of all time. BECAUSE NOTHING HAS HAPPENED. This game might end before the Hawaii Bowl ends at this rate. We got a two-minute drill happening? Oh, hey, field goal Bengals. The Texans completed two passes on one drive! Stop the presses! This might be on Hopkins. It sure is. That’s intentional grounding. I mean, Gannon would be the best quarterback the Texans have ever had. Harlan: “Oh, they all moved.” Somehow the Texans got a field goal out of all of that foolishness.


Did they get Hopkins for OPI AGAIN? Christ on wheels. This is a terrible football game. That time they got Jones for defensive pass interference on Hopkins. That’s a bad throw in the red zone. It wasn’t intercepted because only the cameraman could have caught it. Field goal is good. 6-3 Texans. Dalton gonna Dalton. Is Savage hobbling? The Bengals haven’t scored a touchdown in the fourth quarter since Week 8? Good Lord. Brandon LaFell, of all people, just changed that. Hopkins spins away from Jones for big yards. You’re my boy, Blue. Texans retake the lead. That’s a good block by Hopkins to spring him, too. Extra point is BLOCKED. This Hopkins-Jones battle tonight has been great. Texans now have to hang on for three minutes. Whatever Dalton audibled to, the Texans knew about it. You know who’s still good is Brian Cushing. Big fourth down conversion. Oh, the Bengals cut Nugent? Huh. Bullock is a former Texan, you know. WIDE RIGHT. Texans win! Gannon’s saying Bullock took an early step and it threw off his timing. And now we won’t have Matt Cassel vs. Tom savage for the AFC South title next week. FYI, 11 minutes left in the Hawaii Bowl. Also, the Bengals can’t beat this team. (Texans 12, Bengals 10)

Merry Christmas. SO MANY MARBLES UP FOR GRABS HERE. Do these Steelers uniforms count as Color Rush? It’s certainly better than the prison jerseys.



Was Koch trying to bring rain with that punt? It didn't go very far. Bell doing things already. Wait, who is 85? Weddle wasn’t bringing him down, whoever he is. Touchdown Steelers. They’re gonna hit Brown for OPI here? Well all right. Slow down on these intros, Steelers defense. That’s a tough call on Shazier -- there’s not much he can do there with the ball carrier’s head as low as it is. Bad snap on the field goal attempt and no points for the Ravens here. It seems like the Ravens really want Dixon to become their lead back but he’s not quite there yet. We are officially in the "grit and grind" portion of every Ravens-Steelers game. There will be at least two more. Dixon fortunate to recover his own fumble. Flacco takes a page out of Roethlisberger’s book on that completion to Perriman. Field goal is good and it’s 7-6 Steelers at halftime. Interception? Interception. Smith finds the back of the end zone and the Ravens go ahead. Going for two? Smith converts; 14-7 Ravens. The Steelers are doing well to keep the Ravens out of the end zone so far this half, especially after that Mosley interception looked like it was going to be extra costly. 20-10 after 3.



Come on, man. Don't kick off out of bounds. Brown! Brown again! Touchdown Bell and the Steelers lead! This game, man. Plenty of time for the Ravens, and it appears they plan on using it. I mean, it's been five minutes. Juszczyk? JUSZCZYK! TOUCHDOWN!! THIS GAME. Warriors-Cavs and this gave you your money’s worth today.
Steelers have to call this last time out. Brown fighting to get into the end zone… did he extend the ball over the line? He did! Touchdown Steelers! THIS. GAME.



Extra point blocked? No, penalty on the Ravens. Extra point good this time.



Exactly. You only do that with a lead. The Ravens still had a time out left? Wow. Now it's gone. And now Shazier has Flacco's pass. crosses off Ravens (Steelers 31, Ravens 27)

Week 17 schedule is set. Packers-Lions to Sunday night, as expected. Giants-Redskins to 4:25 (as I figured), as well as Saints-Falcons (which I didn’t).

Alex Smith bootleg! Touchdown Chiefs! Tyreke Hill. AGAIN. Where did the Chiefs find this kid? And why did it take six games to put him in the lineup?



Broncos get a good return, at least. They really needed to do better than a three-and-out there.



And Smith is pressured into an interception. First and goal for the Broncos at the 6. Three points might be unacceptable here. So they get six, which is fine. Good thing, too, because Travis Kelce just ran right through the Broncos defense for an 80-yard score. Illegal contact negates a Chiefs sack. Santos misses badly. Still 21-7. Collinsworth is probably right that the Broncos don’t have to put this all on Siemian yet. McManus hits from 52. What was THAT?

That was some dicey punt fielding. "Freedom 90" into break, which may not have been on the original sheet. The Broncos can’t run the ball and haven’t been able to since C.J. Anderson went down. Did the Chiefs just hand the ball to Kelce? Very odd. Santos kicks a field goal and it’s 24-10. BRONCOS SPECIAL TEAMS. They cough up the kickoff and the Chiefs recover. Hmmm. We got an interesting deal here where the Chiefs receiver may have been touched down before that. Yep, he was.



Are we sure a 36-year-old with three broken collarbones, two career playoff wins and a long, documented history of late-season failures is the answer here? Another field goal for the Chiefs and we’re about nine minutes away from the Dolphins, of all teams, making the playoffs. Nice catch by 87. I think Al wants to go home -- that fumble call wasn’t exactly inspired. Then Stephenson, who got hit with a false start right before this, then gets nailed with an unsportsmanlike conduct after the Chiefs recover. This one’s over. Wow, that 1971 playoff game was wild. They actually found some Super Bowl 50 babies? My God. DONTARI POE JUST THREW A TOUCHDOWN PASS.



Don’t think the Broncos will forget that. Now they’ve called time out to try to get a last touchdown. Interception! Figures.



crosses off Broncos (Chiefs 33, Broncos 10)

McFadden returning kickoffs? OK. Big gain by Witten, which doesn’t seem to happen anymore. Butler catches a touchdown pass against what I really hope was a zone. Zach Zenner? Really? Are the Lions out of running backs? Escapability from Stafford. Zenner finds a cutback lane and walks into the end zone. Elliott breaks free and he will not be caught. Lions missed with a blitz. Was that Emmitt Smith with a Santa beard? Two straight from Eric Ebron? OK. Stafford should go after Scandrick because he’s garbage and always has been. Good goal-line defense so far by the Cowboys, sniffing out the bootleg on second down and stuffing the run on third. Stafford sneak! Oh, they called it a touchdown! I thought he’d made it but the announcers didn’t think so at first. Big sack by Ansah. Ebron’s been killing the Cowboys tonight. He’s made to big catches on this drive, including just now when he got drilled and still fought for the first down. Touchdown Zenner? Touchdown Zenner! Lions are getting stops tonight. Nice stunt by the Cowboys to blow up the protection. Lions counter with excellent punt coverage. Elliott goes down the sideline for a good chink of yardage. Prescott almost got the ball stripped from him, then got tripped up while running and didn’t get the first down. Touchdown Cowboys! Bryant was getting mugged and still brought it in. Halftime and we’re tied at 21. Stafford gets crazy with a sidearm throw and it gets picked off eventually. Flag? Oh, holding. That’s poor pursuit by the Lions on Elliott’s touchdown. They could have gotten there. “We’re getting a wild card game. We don’t know when or who, but we’re showing it on two channels.” How is that a penalty?



Everyone hates that call. Prescott straight up misses Witten. Good run by the kid. Bryant doing his best Dontari Poe impression? Prater just misses that one. McDonough notes that this is the second week in a row that Washington has needed help from the Cowboys. I should note that the Lions are missing their top two cornerbacks tonight and the Cowboys have finally taken advantage. This is interesting: the Cowboys were backed up on that punt, then got hit with an Illegal Motion penalty and the Lions pushed them back. You know it’s your night when the punter’s putting hats on dudes, and after a good return at that. Roberts will never live that down. Tate keeps the Lions drive alive. Stafford hit and fumbles. The Lions always lose this game. (Cowboys 42, Lions 21)
RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Dallas (13-2): Wrapping it up
2. New England (13-2): As much of a brush-off game as they've played in years
3. Oakland (12-3): Nobody's celebrating
4. Kansas City (11-4): Doing things with style

BOTTOM 4:
29. Chicago (3-10): Oh, that one hurts
30. Jacksonville (2-12): Classic choke job
31. San Francisco (1-13): It’s the 60’s all over again
32. Cleveland (1-14): It's a Festivus MIRACLE!!


Posted by at

No comments:

Post a Comment

Subscribe to: Post Comments (Atom)