Thursday, December 2, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: Rush Job

Who's even left for the Browns at this point? No Baker, no Chubb, no Hunt, no Jack Conklin, probably no Beckham. At least Jarvis Landry's back? Erin just said Beckham's going to try to play, so. First play is a pass to Landry. Screen to Austin Hooper for 34, his biggest play as a Brown by a large margin. D'Ernest Johnson finds a big hole. They scored in five plays. Landry doing work so far. He juggles this ball and somehow keeps it off the ground. Leaping interception attempt by Justin Simmons fails, and a poor cameraman pays the price. 52-yarder is good after a high snap. Sutton with a one-handed catch and the Broncos finally do something. John Johnson picks off Bridgewater in the end zone. That pass never had a chance.


The Broncos can't get a stop. Beckham slips and falls on third and 13. Field goal is BLOCKED. Now Von Miller's being helped off the field. He collided with his teammate and their legs slammed together. That's a good punt. Sutton gets hit with OPI, which will surely end the half. Aikman's not sure that was catchable. 10-0 Browns but it feels like it should be more. Buck points out that the Browns won the toss but took the ball first, which doesn't happen anymore. Hey, a Kendall Hinton sighting. You may remember him as the practice squad wide receiver who had to play quarterback against the Saints last season when all of the Broncos' real QBs got shunted to COVID protocol.


Hey, it's first and goal! Melvin Gordon tumble-dives into the end zone. Keenum gets rid of the ball under a LOT of pressure to Johnson for a first down. Browns go for it on 4th and 3 from the 6 (!) and Keenum scrambles and fights through a tackle to get it. The ball comes out and Hooper falls on it in the end zone, but he got the first down. Touchdown pass to the fullback.


We got a challenge on this Landry catch. Call REVERSED, forcing a fourth down punt. Shot of Elway in the visitor's box sends the entire city into spasms. Bridgewater sneaks it on fourth and short from the Browns' 11. This is CLOSE. Aikman doesn't think he made it.  Buck: "And that's a first down." Touchdown Williams! Johnson breaks away and gets dragged down from behind. He's been big tonight.



Two minutes! Johnson picks up another first down and that's that. (Browns 17, Broncos 14)


Signal Finder: CIN @ BAL, PHI @ LV, CHI @ TB

The Bengals haven't thrown to Marlon Humphrey's side yet. On this 4th and 1, they threw to Chase, but Jimmy Smith was on him. Nice leaping catch by Tee Higgins to steal an interception away. 52-yarder is good. Burrow's throat is still bothering him, so the Bengals have been doing silent counts today. Lamar scramble gets them into Tucker's range, but the Ravens punt instead, taking Harlan by surprise. Now the Bengals get Uzomah on Humphrey, and he beats him and fights off a tackle for a touchdown!


Jackson gets a good spot on a scramble. Quarterback draw gets him to the 2. Freeman punches it in. The Burrow-Chase reunion is going a lot better than the Lawrence-Etienne reunion. Bengals lead 13-10 at halftime. Wild fingertip catch by Hollywood Brown for the touchdown! He got that left foot down JUST before his knee landed out of bounds, too. Uzomah breaks another tackle and walks into the end zone. Bengals retake the lead. They've scored on their first drive of the second half in every game so far. Chase spins out of a jam and runs away from the defense. 82 yards! 27-17 BENGALS? Bengals stop the Ravens on 4th and 7 on their side of the field. Mixon touchdown makes it 34-17. This was... unexpected. Are the Bengals legit? (Bengals 41, Ravens 17)



Derrick Henry just threw a touchdown pass. Then the Titans marched 97 yards down the field on their next possession. Now it's 24-0 after the Titans capitalize on another deflected Mahomes pass that got intercepted. And now Mahomes is in the medical tent. This may be the worst day of his career. (Titans 27, Chiefs 3)

I don't mind this shade of green for the Packers. I do mind those orange helmets. Who thought this would work?


This was not all at one time, though it felt like it. (Note that Washington's lone touchdown was a 40-yard pass play.) (Packers 24, Washington 10)

We got 5-3 at MetLife HQ! The Panthers' offense just doesn't function without McCaffrey. (Giants 25, Panthers 3)

No Darren Waller for the Raiders in a late development. Goedert gets some air and makes the catch. This is more carries than Sanders had all last week. Touchdown... Gainwell? OK then. Lot of Eagles fans in the house. Can the Eagles decline this? Why didn't they? And then Zay Jones makes a jumping sideline catch for 43. Interception! Pass goes off Jalen Richard's hands and Maddox makes the play inside the 10. Sanders down and hurt. Looks like an ankle injury. Hunter Renfrow making moves. Waller's replacement, Foster Moreau, with a great catch in traffic for a  touchdown.

Well, he finally didn't and Smith makes a tough catch on the sideline. Christ, I forgot Vilma was doing this game. Hurts gets sacked at midfield on third down after a false start. Mariota! Raiders are driving. Screen to Jacobs gets them to the Eagles' 8. Jacobs goes outside and scores.



Then Gainwell fumbles. I'm not sure I can overturn this. These angles are terrible. Call STANDS. Raiders add a field goal to lead 17-7 at halftime. Both Sanders and Jacobs are ruled out. Onside kick? Really? Touchdown Kenyan Drake, which helps one of my fantasy teams. Hurts slides two yards short of the marker to save his own life. Delay of game on the Eagles wipes out a sack. There's no way Kelce took his own helmet off.


Raiders doing whatever they want. Hey, let's feature Bryan Edwards on this drive. Now Sirianni doesn't challenge this Renfrow catch that he could have won. Touchdown. Extra point CLANGS no good. 30-7.


Hurts slides and gets rocked. Goedert gets inside the 5. Max Crosby stuffs a Hurts sneak attempt. Then Hurts fumbles and the Raiders recover.


Eagles patch together a drive that ends with a Boston Scott touchdown. Raiders add a field goal. Reagor outjumps three Raiders and runs in for a score. Onside kick again fails.


Carr only had three incompletions? Good Lord. (Raiders 33, Eagles 22)

Big punt return! Fournette gets stopped at the 2 but scores on the next play. Fields is chased out of the pocket under pressure and gets picked off. Touchdown Godwin and it's already 14-0 Buccaneers. Fields fumbles on third down and the Bucs recover. Another short field for Tampa. Touchdown Evans! That's 600 (regular season) touchdown passes for Brady. Evans threw the ball into the stands!! We see a team official talking to the guy who had it. Tracy reports that they got a game ball and maybe a signed jersey in exchange. Nantz: "That's a bad deal." Bears on the move? Third down pass into the end zone is too high. Field goal is good. Brady goes 46 yards to Evans, then back to Evans for a touchdown. How is it not halftime yet? This Buccaneers defensive front is feasting today. Good Lord, are they going to score AGAIN? They sure are, and it's Evans for the third time this HALF. 35-3 at halftime. Bears force a punt to start the second half. Ronald Jones getting the run on this drive. Bucs going for it on 4th and goal from the 1. Jones goes up and... does not get over. Fields gets intercepted again, but not on third down this time. This time the Buccaneers try the field goal. (Buccaneers 38, Bears 3)

WE GOT ANOTHER FIVER. Touchdown Ertz! And this one's gonna stick.

(Cardinals 31, Texans 5)

The weather's terrible. They've added background echo vocals to the song. 49ers get the ball first. Andrew Sendejo's still in the league? Why? Colts can't stop this Mitchell kid. Extra point MISSES. (Note that this is Joey Slye kicking, as Robbie Gould is hurt.) Colts' first play is a fumble by Taylor and the 49ers recover. Two straight incompletions lead to a Slye field goal. Pittman might have pushed off. Oh, they called it on Norman. So that'll be a 57-yard pass. Play fake to Taylor and Mo Alie-Cox has an easy touchdown. DeForest Buckner being traded to the Colts is discussed, and it ended up being a case of the 49ers couldn't pay everybody. Slye hits from 56. Condoleeza Rice in the visiting owner's box. Taylor with burst. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Nick Bosa blew up Eric Fisher and Wentz made a blind dump-off shovel pass that went right to the defense. Dee Ford chases Wentz out of the pocket and he almost throws another pick. That's at least the second near-miss. Aiyuk muffs the punt, kicks it unintentionally, and the ball goes into the end zone. It's a touchback but I don't  understand why he didn't just go down when he recovered it in the end zone. The backup balls WILL BE IN PLAY. I repeat: THE BACKUP BALLS WILL BE IN PLAY. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.


Now the Colts get a takeaway when Leonard punches the ball away from Deebo Samuel. OK, that's definitely DPI on Pittman. Taylor hesitates and is stopped. Wentz keeps it on a bootleg and scores!


Two-point try almost couldn't have gone worse. Colts fumble but they recover it. I think Shanahan didn't mean to challenge that? The challenge flag is out. This has to go through, right? Why would he even challenge? It's not like the 49ers recovered. Anyway, the challenge fails.



Defense holds. Garoppolo gets sacked and fumbles! Moseley's out here mugging people tonight. Taylor with an absolutely filthy cutback and he walks into the end zone. 20-12 Colts. The Wentz interception on the shovel pass has been changed to a fumble. (This apparently happened 40 minutes ago but Al and Cris are just now telling us.) Touchdown Samuel! 49ers go for two but the pass is knocked down. Wentz takes off and gets a first down. Holding call negates another first down and the Colts kick it. 23-18 with seven minutes left. Al admits this shot of the Bay Bridge, which, again, they are nowhere near, was from the night before. Garoppolo makes a bad decision and Xavier Rhodes eventually ends up with it. Touchdown? Nope, he stepped out of bounds when he got pushed back. Cris compares Rhodes limping off in pregame warmups and coming back to play to Willis Reed, and Al tells him that it's not really the same thing. Pittman climbs the ladder, keeps his feet, and scores! 30-18. Collinsworth says Jamarr Chase is already the best wide receiver in Bengals history. Garoppolo throws up a wobbler that gets intercepted and that's that. Wentz: "Beautiful night in the Bay." (Colts 30, 49ers 18)

Monday night? In Seattle? GUARANTEED SHENANIGANS. Matt Hasselbeck raises the 12 flag. He's going into the Ring of Honor at halftime. Seahawks go three and out to start. Peyton's wearing an Ole Miss jersey to pay off a bet with Eli on the Ole Miss-Tennessee game. (31-26 Eli.) Metcalf breaks a tackle on the sideline and that's that. 84 yards. Did Lattimore fall down? It's so windy the goalposts are actually moving. Marshawn's mic is out of sync.


Lattimore gets caught swiping at Metcalf. Peyton to Marshawn: "I've done some cool things, but I've never caused an earthquake." Apropos of nothing, ESPN and ESPN2 have different commercials. Screen to Kamara gets 23 to start the second quarter. I'm not sure Jameis has thrown a third-down pass past the first-down marker yet. Tom Brady joins the Mannings and says he's become a warm-weather quarterback.


Penalty? Now it's 4th and 1 and there's another one. Jameis sneak picks up a first down. Then he shows off the wheels and runs for 18 after the play breaks down. Goal line pass gets knocked down! Saints kick a field goal. Kamara already with seven catches, this one putting the Saints in field goal range with a minute left.


Kamara again and he turns it into a touchdown. Oh, Jameis dropped the snap! I didn't see that originally and was wondering why Levy said that play could have been a disaster. 10-7 Saints at halftime.



Peyton can't wait to get that jersey off. He's played in all three Seahawks stadiums. I, too, am wondering why they have preseason footage. Another personal foul on Lattimore. Back-to-back sacks, then Myers misses from 44. Well, that was disastrous. Kevin White's still in the league? Jamal Adams breaks up a deep ball intended for Kenny Stills, who I also didn't know was a Saint. I guess with Michael Thomas out they're looking anywhere for receivers. The Seahawks haven't stopped those screens to Kamara all night. Fumble! Seahawks recover and Sue Bird approves. Gardner-Johnson drops an interception and the Seahawks tie it with a field goal. Graphic shows Bird has as many pro titles as Peyton and Eli combined. Time for the fourth quarter. Shenanigans incoming. Another miss by Myers ends a decent drive by Geno. Jameis gets trapped in the pocket, then takes a shot to the head. There's the flag. Kamara runs for 12 on 3rd and 10. Jameis overthrows everybody on third down. Riddick says he missed Kamara but he was covered. Seahawks jump offside on 4th and 5, giving the Saints a first down. Griese reminds us that the Seahawks only have one time out left with 3:05 to go. Callaway stayed inbounds? Nice work. Riddick mentions that Taysom Hill is hurt and I realize we haven't seen him tonight. Jameis gets sacked again! Two minutes left. Brian Johnson, the third replacement for the injured Wil Lutz, gives the Saints the lead. Malcolm Jenkins buries Geno on a blitz. And its DeMario Davis on the next play. Brees: "What have we got, fourth and California?" Davis breaks up a pass intended for Metcalf and that's it. Jameis and Geno greet each other afterwards. Those are two guys who took two sides of the same path. The Seahawks are in real trouble. They can't win without Wilson. (Saints 13, Seahawks 10)


RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Arizona (7-0) — This doesn't seem real
2. Green Bay (6-1) — Never interrupt your enemy when he's making a mistake
3. L.A. Rams (6-1) — Goff is denied his revenge
4. Tampa Bay (6-1) — Getting that look

BOTTOM 4:
29. N.Y. Jets (1-5) — Ever seen a live murder?
30. Miami (1-6) — Seriously?
31. Houston (1-6) — No plan in sight
32. Detroit (0-7) — A rare non-competitive effort


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