Saturday, December 18, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10: Parachutes

I think this might be the first time Buck and Aikman have called a Lamar Jackson Ravens game. Duvernay takes a big hit on the sideline after a 19-yard carry. Freeman slips, then gets up and gets the first down anyway. Blitz forces Jackson to rush the throw on third down and he overthrows Watkins in the end zone. Don't like calling a screen on 3rd and 9 there. Then Brown fumbles but the Ravens keep it. Tucker... MISSES right! Still 3-0 Ravens. Gesicki can't bring another one in on third down. Brissett's pass on third and goal sails out of the end zone. Field goal ties it. Ravens run another bad screen on third and long. Refs rule that Waddle did get the first down before going out of bounds. Drive goes nowhere because of course it doesn't. Two minutes left. This time the Ravens give it to Freeman on 3rd and 5 and he gets caught from behind. Brissett (starting for Tua, who's got a sprained finger) finds Isaiah Ford (OK, sure) on a blown coverage for 52 yards! They pick up the flag on the next play, saying that it wasn't an intentional helmet-to-helmet hit on Shaheen. Dolphins end up settling for a 22-yarder. Buck: "So at the half, the Marlins lead the Orioles... no. The Dolphins lead the Ravens, 6-3." Brissett being walked off after being sacked. Is that Jackson's first run of the night? He then rolls away from a blitz and throws a jump ball that gets broken up. Ravens punt and... Tua comes in? OK then.


The Dolphins' defense hasn't been anywhere near this good at any point this season. That's another Ravens drive killed after getting forced into a third and long. Dolphins again can't capitalize offensively. Andrews picks up a first down. Dolphins challenge the next Andrews catch... and win? How? He caught that. Jeez. Dolphins blitz again on another third and long and get to Jackson. Quick pass to Gaskin gets the Dolphins to midfield. Waddle! He probably didn't have to jump. Humphrey gets called for pass interference. Dolphins get it at the 2. Flags everywhere on third down and they'll replay it. A LINEMAN catches this pass and gets bowled over at the goal line. The ball breaks the plane, but he's not eligible. The hell is this game? He'd be the Dolphins' best running back.





The Dolphins end up settling for another field goal when a touchdown probably would have ended this game. Xavien Howard strips the ball from Watkins, picks it up, and takes it all the way back for a touchdown!


Aikman points out that the Ravens have done nothing on offense since the Tucker miss. Hollywood with a drop on third down. Dolphins punt plants the Ravens at the 1. Roughing penalty bails the Ravens out. Then another one, but this one's not a good call. Bateman! Touchdown Andrews. ANOTHER blown coverage by the Ravens and Wilson makes them pay for 65 yards. NOW it's over. Gaskin gets... a first down with a dive. Ball at the 1. Touchdown and that will finally end this farce.


(Dolphins 22, Ravens 10)

Signal Finder: CLE @ NE, ATL @ DAL, WFT @ TB (end), NO @ TEN (end), DET @ PIT (end), PHI @ DEN


A big hole flies open up front and Johnson bursts through it before getting shoe-tackled from behind. Announcers talk up the Browns offensive line that's been getting paid this week. Johnson does it again and gets inside the 10. Njoku gets the ball knocked out of his hands. Browns line up to go for it. Mayfield drops back and finds Hooper in the back of the end zone. Why has Kendrick Bourne been the Patriots' best free-agent pickup on offense? Who's this Stevenson dude? This Brandon Bolden? He gets 20 on a screen on third down.


Touchdown Hunter Henry, who may actually be their best free-agent pickup on offense, now that I think about it. (Bourne's second.) Interception! And the Pats score on their first play. Mayfield pass goes through Peoples-Jones's hands, then two plays later, an interception goes through J.C. Jackson's hands. Jones his Bourne on the run for a first down. That's a tremendous catch by Bourne in the air in double coverage. Jebus. 21-7 Pats. They tack on a field goal to make it 24-7 at halftime. It's continuing! Patriots abuse the Browns on their first drive of the second half, finishing it off with a Stevenson touchdown. Mayfield almost gets picked off and he's hurt again. Keenum comes in and he's sacked by Judon, who just knocked Mayfield out of the game. He gets sacked again on the next play, which was fourth down.


Long national nightmare, etc. (Patriots 45, Browns 7)


And now CBS has switched to Saints-Titans, where the home side leads 20-12 after three. Randy Bullock's shoulder pads are huge. He's a kicker! He hits from 36 and it's 23-12. When Ingram rejoined the Saints, he moved in with Kenny Stills. There's a catch by Ingram down the sideline. Tra'Quan Smith can't stay in the end zone, but there's a flag. Defensive holding. This one's too far for Smith. Saints kick the field goal with 5:33 left. Adrian Peterson still wearing No. 8, to my surprise. Callaway gets hit at the Titans' 15. Touchdown Saints! Callaway came back to it. Saints have to go for two to tie. They've missed their last seven of these? Recap of the two missed extra points that have them in this situation. Saints FALSE START. Pass is broken up! (Titans 23, Saints 21)

Gage gets hit and drops this pass. Yeah, that's out. Field goal is good. Lamb spins out of a tackle on 4th and 5. Touchdown Elliott. Announcers seem intent on criticizing Dak for last week. They lost because their defense got run over from the first snap. Cowboys go for it on 4th and 3 from the Falcons' 28 and Gallup makes the catch on the sideline at the 2! Welcome back, dude. Elliott punches it in. Cowboys are doing whatever they want in the passing game. Falcons blitz, and Dak lofts one to Lamb for a touchdown. BLOCKED PUNT. Let's see where this ends up. Burkhardt thinks it's a touchdown but there's been no signal. There we go. There's a penalty on the extra point and the Cowboys decide to go for two here because they're assholes. Elliott picks it up. Falcons get the ball back and call a time out on second down because they're mad about that. They run it for... some reason. 36-3 at halftime.


Will we be going to WFT-Buccaneers after halftime? Let's find out! Nope. Anthony Brown picks off Ryan, who probably shouldn't take another snap today. Elliott fumbles and the Falcons recover. NOW we get switched. (Cowboys 43, Falcons 3)

Brady already with two interceptions and a probable third that wasn't called. And Chase Young, Washington's best remaining player, has been carted off.


Antonio Gibson bulls his way into the end zone. Dude's got a stress fracture in his leg. 23-13 Washington. Dax Milne (?) fumbles and the Bucs recover at midfield. Brady finds Evans down the sideline for a 40-yard touchdown. Extra point misses? Washington doing a good job killing time on this drive. Ex-Buc Adam Humphries with a big third-down catch. McLaurin gets flattened but holds on for another first down. We're down to the two-minute warning, the Buccaneers have no time outs, and it's second and goal. Winfield throws Gibson back, keeping him from scoring. Washington calls time out, hands it to Gibson, and they score! Gotta think a lot of confidence pools just bought it. (Washington 29, Buccaneers 19)

One of the reasons we're here is that Roethlisberger popped up on the COVID list Friday, so Mason Rudolph is starting. Lions are DRIVING. Well, they were. This rain? Fourth and 10 now. They punt and the Steelers almost fumble it. They kneel down and go to overtime. Johnson goes up the sideline, but he fumbles! Lions get it! Fitzpatrick intercepts Goff on the next play! But a defensive holding call will give the ball back to the Lions.


Myers and Moose aren't thrilled with this roughing the passer call. Lions are now at the Steelers' 36. Offensive holding moves them back. The Lions haven't won in Pittsburgh since 1955 (!!) when they played at Forbes Field. I like that the graphic does note that they tied in 1957. Steelers call time out with 4:08 left. Lions try a 48-yarder. It's SHORT. That looked bad from the start. Someone got a piece of the ball?


Steelers lose about 14 yards on a high snap. Lions drop a pick on third down. Lions correctly send someone after the punt but the Steelers get it off. Steelers blitz and drop Goff for a 15-yard loss. Harris picks up a first down in Lions territory with 29 seconds left. Steelers call their last time out. Freiermuth FUMBLES! Lions ball with 8 seconds left! Myers: "Does anybody really want to win this game?" Lions try pitchy pitchy woo woo and it fails because it always fails. So the answer is: "Apparently not." (Lions 16, Steelers 16, OT)

CAM BACK. Two snaps, two scores. Panthers have clearly gotten a jolt from this. This is the best they've looked since Week 2. This was an ambush. (Panthers 34, Cardinals 10)

FROZEN TUNDRA. It's a good thing, for Rodgers' sake, that this game is at home, because he'd be getting no end of abuse from the 12s. Crosby hooks one from 42 and this already feels like last week's game. Punts UPON punts. Crosby hits from 27 after the Packers actually put a drive together.


We've gotten nothing from the Seahawks. Wilson throws a bad pass that's picked off by King in the end zone. He wasn't under that much pressure. Jamal Adams intercepts Rodgers in the end zone.


Seahawks lose five yards on the subsequent drive. Wilson looks like a guy who's still hurt. 3-0 after three. This is fine. Dillon touchdown more than ices it. Wilson goes deep for Lockett but that one gets intercepted in the end zone, too. When was the last shutout? (Packers 17, Seahawks 0)

Greg Gumbel's been demoted to partnering with Adam Archuleta? Broncos in a Color Rush version of their 80's uniforms. I approve. Hurts finds Watkins. Broncos blitz and force an incompletion on third down. Elliott hits from 38 and the Broncos trail for the first time in a while. Smith leaps over Surtain and comes down with a touchdown! One cheek does, in fact, equal two feet. Williams with back-to-back big runs. Maddox gets flagged for taunting.


Then the Eagles jump offsides. Gordon with a big run. Broncos get a good push up front and Gordon scores easily. Goedert's been ruled out after hitting his head on the turf after a catch. Bridgewater finds his non-Noah Fant tight end, who takes it 64 yards. Patrick can't stay inbounds on this fade to the end zone. They kick a field goal to tie it. Hurts takes off and gets 32 yards. Hurts with another touchdown to Smith. It's his birthday today!


Barnett with a sack? The fifth seal was just opened. Broncos with a borderline hit on Gainwell on the sideline. Oh, Quez. That would have been a touchdown. Elliott is good from 52 with five seconds before halftime. Sutton with his first catch of the day. Another big run by Williams, this one for 20, after getting caught from behind for a short gain on the previous play. Another run in stuffed (Would've been a great time for play action). Field goal is BLOCKED!


I can't remember a season with so many blocked kicks and punts. Surtain almost gets revenge with a pick but he drops it. Big punt return by the Broncos. Hold takes away a Williams touchdown. Then we come back with a roughing call on (guess who!) Barnett. Defense tightens up and the Broncos kick a 28-yarder. Hurts gets pressured and throws an interception. Gordon gets swallowed up by a pile and now Slay has the ball. He reverses field and he's... gone? Touchdown! Let's see this. Oh, that's a clear fumble. Half the Broncos stopped, including Bridgewater.


Kelce out. Gumbel calls the next snap "a ground ball to short." Kelce back in on the next play. Eagles running over the Broncos like they ran over the Cowboys last week. Have another field goal. Cox walks off after being down for quite some time. This spot challenge seems petty.



(Eagles 30, Broncos 13)

One-time Raider Carl Weathers narrates the opening. These last six weeks or so for the Raiders have been an absolute disaster off the field. First Gruden, then the Henry Ruggs DUI, then their other first-rounder from last year, Damon Arnette, got cut this past week for making threatening videos. Al and Cris did this game last year and remark about how different it is this year with fans. Nothing doing on either team's first drive. Mahomes finds Kelce twice for big gains. Direct snap to the tight end? OK. Touchdown Hill. Footage of Charles Woodson getting his Hall of Fame ring before the game. Edwards with a key catch to keep the drive alive as the first quarter ends. Carr floats one to Renfrow for a touchdown. Good block by the tight end to spring Darrell Williams. Mahomes looks the best he has in weeks. Touchdown Hill. 17-7 Chiefs at the half. Carr finds Waller down the seam for a touchdown! Mathieu looks baffled. Chiefs back on the move aided by an unnecessary roughness call on Crosby for throwing a stopped Williams to the turf. Raiders come flying offsides on third and goal. Stopped at the 1. Touchdown... Noah Gray? Sure. Desean Jackson with a big catch. He turns around and FUMBLES. Chiefs ball! Hill outruns his man and gets 31 on the catch. Field goal makes it 27-14. FAKE PUNT! First down Chiefs on the fake punt pass. Raiders could have used that interception. Williams outjumps Abrams for a touchdown. B-roll of a Vegas wedding for... some reason. This is turning into the reverse of their first meeting. Kelce runs past several Raiders. Touchdown Pringle! Garbage time Raiders touchdown gets nullified by a penalty. The Chiefs look fixed tonight. And they're back in first place. (Chiefs 41, Raiders 14)

Stafford finds Beckham, wearing No. 3, on the first play of the game. Peyton and Eli talk about how he's not a direct replacement for Robert Woods, who does a lot of the Rams' jet sweeps and run blocking. Foggy down there or is that smoke? Stafford throws deep and it's intercepted by Jimmie Ward. Not sure what happened there. Looks like some miscommunication between Stafford and Beckham maybe. Peyton describes Kyle Shanahan's various motions. Al Michaels, Phil Mickelson, Draymond Green and Philip Rivers will be appearing tonight. 49ers in their 90's uniforms.


Kittle beats a double-team for a first down. We're already down to three minutes left in the first quarter. Peyton wonders if they'll have time to get Michaels on. "No chance to show any commercials for the NFL. I'm sure they're not happy about it." Touchdown Kittle. We're back with Michaels, who's been doing prime time NFL for 36 straight years. Higbee can't handle the screen pass and Ward ends up with it! He's gonna score.



Peyton recalls that Colts-Bucs Monday nighter that he won in overtime after a furious comeback. Al references a six-interception Peyton game against the Chargers that he still almost won. Rams are DRIVING, finally. Al calls the Higbee touchdown. Mickelson joins the Mannings AND Michaels. Wonder how much money he's got on this game. Is there a Manningcast Curse? Graphic shows that six active players who've appeared on the Manningcast have lost their next game. Aiyuk fights through some tackles to get inside the 10 as Peyton talks about Elijah Mitchell's emergence. Handoff to Samuel and he'll score.


Eli hitting golf balls during the commercials. Pass to Henderson on third down doesn't get them there. FAKE FIELD GOAL. It... does not fool the 49ers. Or anyone else, for that matter.


That might have been the fourth option or so there. But the 49ers had everything covered. Stafford almost gets picked off AGAIN as his receiver is late breaking to the ball. Draymond's trying to name everyone drafted ahead of him. Kupp with a rare drop on third and 4. Garoppolo's playing very well tonight. Bad drop by Higbee. 24-7 Niners after three. 49ers going on a 4th and 6. Garoppolo his Samuel over the middle and he outruns the defense and scores! Peyton calls Rivers "coach" as he joins the broadcast.



This interception didn't count because of a penalty on the 49ers. Peyton tells Rivers that Eli never beat either of them. "I don't have a question here; it's just a fun fact." Stafford forgets where he is and throws a pass when he's two yards past the line of scrimmage. That'll be that.


Talk turns to Rivers' love of bolo ties. It started when one-time coach Mike McCoy instituted a stricter travel dress code and suggested it to Rivers. Now he's talking about his draft day experience, when he was drafted by the Giants, then traded for Eli. Photo of the fam as the Rams score. That's the 49ers' fifth straight win over the Rams. Too bad they can't beat anybody else these days. (49ers 31, Rams 10)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Green Bay (8-2) — Get your shots!
2. Arizona (8-2) — Not sure what hit them
3. Tennessee (8-2) — Six in a row!
4. Buffalo (6-3) — Taking out last week's frustrations
BOTTOM 4:
29. N.Y. Jets (2-7) — That beatdown felt familiar
30. Jacksonville (2-7) — Well, back to reality
31. Houston (1-8) — I don't even notice when bad teams don't play
32. Detroit (0-8-1) — Really? REALLY?

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