Friday, December 17, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: Laundry Night

MIKE WHITE SZN. Back-to-back passes almost get intercepted, then the Colts almost block the punt. Nyheim Hines with a big run. He takes it to the other side and gets a touchdown out of it. Keelan Cole with a circus catch in coverage. Colts fail to cover Elijah Moore and that's an easy touchdown.


White getting his hand looked at on the sideline. Aikman: "Just their luck."


Thankfully, no. Wentz hits Pittman in stride for a first down. Wentz goes deep but it's incomplete. Aikman asks where the flag was, since it happens to the Colts' opponents so often. Kristina Pink reports that White was struggling to make throws and is now in the medical tent. Maybe Hoffa IS buried under that place.


Taylor breaks through for a first down and is only kept out of the end zone by a shoe tackle. Taylor finds more space and scores. The Colts already have over 100 yards rushing. Josh Johnson comes into the game, replacing White, as Joe Flacco clearly hasn't learned the new playbook yet. Fumble? Fumble! Colts ball. Darius Leonard punched it out. The Colts recover their own fumble on back-to-back plays. It happens again on 3rd and 1 and the Jets still can't come up with a break.


They sneak it on fourth and get there. Aikman doesn't get all the numbers behind quarterback sneak effectiveness, but he does know that some guys are better at it than others. Buck spots Sam Ehlinger in at quarterback and Wentz split left. Ehlinger keeps it and gets a yard. Shovel pass to Doyle works and he's got a touchdown. Carter loses a shoe but gains 18 yards. Kroft with a leaping catch. Jets get a field goal with 1:46 left. Colts keep running the ball but not using their two time outs. Odd strategy here. Aikman thinks most teams use their time outs too early in these situations. Pascal wide open at the Jets' 10. Pittman has the ball knocked out of his hands in the end zone. He got three feet down, so this is getting reviewed. Pereira thinks it'll be a touchdown. He's correct. 28-10 Colts and they'll get the second half kickoff. Colts on the move again. Wentz keeps it and goes right on third and goal, but gets tripped up from behind by Shaq Lawson. He pounds the turf in frustration, then the Colts go for it. Direct snap to Taylor but he gets stopped. This is the first of five Super Bowl rematches this week. Jets can't capitalize because of course they can't. TACKLE ELIGIBLE TOUCHDOWN. There was nobody within 10 yards of that man. Colts have scored 30 or more in four straight games, the first time since 2010. TAYLOR. He's gone. Buck: "And he crosses the tape at the goal line." Moore gets another score for the Jets.


Tight end reverse? Lot of garbage time offense in this fourth quarter. Doyle almost gets decapitated fielding this onside kick.


FOX is doing a John Madden documentary, it sounds like. Buck: "Before John Madden, there weren't production meetings." That's not Brad Smith, is it? I'm kidding. Mostly.


(Colts 45, Jets 30)




THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.


This is wild. Also, Urban Meyer finally wins an NFL game in America. (Jaguars 9, Bills 6)


Pollard returns the opening kickoff to midfield. Pass to Cooper comes up short of the first down. Cowboys go for it but Justin Simmons stops Zeke! Cowboys muff the punt but recover. Broncos get ANOTHER stop on fourth down. Jeudy with an over-the-shoulder catch. Big run by Williams. Touchdown Gordon after an interference call on Diggs. McManus misses the extra point. Cowboys are stopping the run as well as they did last year so far. Bridgewater goes deep to Tim Patrick for a touchdown!


Dak throws too long for Lamb on third and 7 and the Cowboys punt. Gordon with a leaping catch. Kendall Hinton is left out of THIS Broncos quarterbacks since Peyton Manning graphic also. Parsons gets to Bridgewater on a 3rd and 2. McManus is GOOD from 53. 16-0 Broncos. Didn't expect that. Cowboys looking at 3rd and 21. Someone (95) whiffs on a sack and Dak throws up effectively a Hail Mary that gets knocked down. Pass to Jeudy is ruled incomplete. Lewis picks off Bridgewater, but there's a flag. Olsen thinks they're going to get Diggs for holding Patrick. He's right. With three seconds left, there's no time to do anything but throw a Hail Mary or kick a 60-plus yard field goal. Bridgewater goes down to end the half. Cowboys block a punt! The Broncos recover and advance it, but the Cowboys will take over around their own 30. But... it's Broncos' ball? It's ruled that the ball went past the line of scrimmage and was then touched by a Cowboys player, making it a live ball and recoverable by either team. I feel like I didn't know that. Williams carries a pile of Cowboys five yards to the first-down marker, then breaks away and gets 20 more. Patrick spins out of a tackle and splits two defenders to convert 3rd and 8. Field goal makes it 19-0. Cooper with a drop. Cowboys go on 4th and 1 again, but Dak is flushed out of the pocket and ends up overthrowing Lamb. McManus misses the field goal. Patrick is hurt after a drop. Actually, Diggs knocked it out of his hands. The Broncos challenge this but lose. Bridgewater to Kendall Hinton for 40! Bridgewater sneaks for the touchdown. Two point try is good.


Cowboys go for it again and this time it's intercepted. McManus makes it 30-0. And we're being switched to Vikings-Ravens. We missed TWO garbage time touchdowns. (Broncos 30, Cowboys 16)

This game is tied at 24 with 5:01 left. Le'veon Bell sighting! He's wearing No. 17 for... some reason. Lamar keeps it and gets to the Vikings' 2. Bell scores! C.J. Ham with a leaping catch! What?! Humphrey breaks up a third-down pass. Fourth and 9 and the Vikings call time out. Now we get a recap of the second half that started with the Vikings returning the kickoff for a touchdown. Cousins finds Jefferson for the first down.


Touchdown Thielen! We're tied with 1:05 left. Lamar gets sacked and we're going to overtime. Big play by Hollywood. Pass is deflected and the Vikings have it! Barr tipped it to himself. And again the Vikings fail to capitalize. Freeman with a big run with plenty of blocking. Back-to-back penalties by the Ravens make it first and 20. Hollywood again.


Bell crashes through the line and gets 11. 1:15 left. Tucker comes onto the field with 20 seconds left. 36 yards. It's good, because of course it is. He's only been around 10 years? Seems like longer. (Ravens 34, Vikings 31, OT)

What the hell, Raiders? (Giants 23, Raiders 17)

Chargers win the toss and defer. Hurts badly misses Goedert, who would have scored. Punt pins the Chargers at their own 1. Herbert finds Guyton for 15. Eagles covering way too soft in the back end. Play action gets the Chargers inside the 5. Ekeler gets stuffed on second down, then Mike Williams drops the ball on third. Chargers go for it. Herbert rolls right and throws to Allen, but he doesn't get in.


Hurts misses long on first down. Howard gets nothing. Pocket collapses and Hurts does well to get out of the end zone. Jared Cook runs wild. This time the Chargers score on a rollout pass to Steven Anderson. Howard with a 19-yard run. Hurts turns the corner, gets the first down, and ducks out of bounds. Touchdown Howard as the Eagles apparently just realize that the Chargers are terrible against the run. Chargers suddenly at midfield. Pitch to not-Ekeler doesn't get there on 4th and 2. I don't know why you run that play with your third running back. Howard picks up 3rd and 2. Eagles are still running the ball. Quarterback draw on 3rd and 5 gets another first down. Hurts can't get it to Smith on third down.


Elliott hits from 24. Halftime.


Chargers moving down the field again. Pocket collapses on Herbert and he takes a hit on third down. Field goal ties it. Hurts trips over Driscoll on 3rd and 4. Great adjustment by Williams to make that catch. Slay gets plastered by... Donald Parham? Touchdown Chargers. Extra point is MISSED. Goedert breaks a tackle, and pro tip, Grab the player's actual jersey if you're going to try to tackle him. Hurts rolls right again and scrambles for another first down, again. Touchdown Gainwell. Slay gets flagged for holding.


Now he's being looked at on the sideline? Herbert guns one to Allen. I wonder who Barnett will be committing dumb penalties for next year. Ekeler finds a hole and gets inside the Eagles' 10. Herbert keeps it himself and scores. They go for two and Herbert hits Cook. Reagor takes a pitch and loses six yards. Hurts finally connects with Smith. Then he gets upended on a third-down rollout and gets a first down. Hurts ALWAYS GOES RIGHT. NEVER to the left. Big-time throw to Smith and he's got a touchdown! He kept his hand on the ground so that he could stretch across the goal line. Edwards keeps Allen from getting the first down. Chargers go for it again and get it. Two minute warning. Chargers get 11 after a false start. These teams have played 12 times and six of them have been decided by a touchdown or less. Chargers call time out before the third down play. Ekeler dives to the marker. Spot is key. They mark it short. I'd ask for a measurement if I'm the Chargers. They line up to go for it again, but the Eagles don't jump offsides. This also never works. They're going for it anyway? Herbert sneak gets it. Ekeler runs over McPherson but the Chargers have no time outs. They spike it with five seconds left. Hopkins from 29. GOOD. Why'd the Football Team cut this guy? (Because they're run by morons.) Pitch drill predictably fails. Chargers cover. (Chargers 27, Eagles 24)

We finally join Packers-Chiefs and the Chiefs are facing a third down deep in Packers territory. Darrell Williams bounces outside and gets the first down at the 1. Packers stop two inside runs. Kelce ELEVATES and hauls in a touchdown pass. Jordan Love's mom and girlfriend are all the way in the back of the upper deck. They might as well be in Kansas City, KANSAS. Love with a push pass to Dillon. Chiefs blitz and force an incompletion on third down. Tom Rinaldi's here? This IS serious. Love throws a wobbler to Adams but he brings it in. Field goal is BLOCKED. Mahomes gets intercepted but the Packers were offside. Derrick Gore gets stopped short on 3rd and 1. Chiefs punt and it's a touchback. BUT a replay shows the ball hit the foot of a Packers player. Challenge flag is out. Call REVERSED and it's Chiefs' ball at the Packers' 9. Hardman fumbles the catch and the Packers recover. Then the refs change the ruling to an incomplete pass. Barnes keeps Williams out of the end zone and the Chiefs end up settling for a field goal. Love rolls right and throws up a jump ball that Cobb wins. They go for it on 4th and 5 but Love's throw to Adams is off-target. Kelce makes a leaping catch and... the Packers let him go out of bounds? Really, guys? King almost gets a pick. Butker hits from 55 to end the half. Love isn't ready for the snap and has to fall on it. The Packers just seem out of sorts. Chiefs challenge the spot on this Adams catch. It was called a first down. It's close, but I don't think they'll win this one. They DO and it's fourth and inches now. They go to Adams again and he picks it up. Love goes to Adams in the end zone but Sneed intercepts him at the 5. Chiefs go three and out. Love's going to have to complete a pass at some point. There's one. Packers call time out with five minutes left and facing 4th and 5. Love finds Lazard, who ducks a tackle and scores!


Now can the Chiefs play keep-away for four minutes? (Not that they should be afraid of Love coming back on them, but stranger things have happened.)


Mahomes rolls right and somehow finds Hill in the middle of three defenders!


That will clinch it.


Who had THIS as the final score? (Chiefs 13, Packers 7)

No Von Miller tonight for the Rams as his ankle's still hurting. Michael Buffer's here, for some reason. Rams get the ball first. Titans get a coverage sack, followed by a pressure sack. Adrian Peterson is STARTING. And wearing No. 8. Ramsey jumps in front of A.J. Brown and picks off Tannehill. But he does get flagged for, I guess, stepping over Brown afterwards. Oh, he bumped him down. They're not booing, they're saying "Cooooop." Stafford RUNS? Rams go ahead on a field goal. Jeremy McNichols still wears 28 for the Titans. I expect that to change by next week, as AD just came up on Friday. Brown drop ends the drive. Stafford gets rushed and bails out, but the pass is picked off!


It's basically what Wentz did last week against... these same Titans. And they cash in immediately with a touchdown to Swaim. After the commercial, Terry McAuley comes on to point out that if Stafford had just gone down, his forward progress would have been ruled stopped, therefore no safety. Byard intercepts Stafford! Touchdown Titans!


(Fun fact: Every season, the network airing the Super Bowl has its top broadcast crew do a game in that stadidum beforehand. It's not something viewers think about, because most Super Bowl host sites have the ability to host marquee regular-season games, but a few years back, the Buck-Aikman FOX crew did a Jaguars at Dolphins preseason game for that express purpose.) Rams hand it off to Henderson. Titans have been waiting for Julio Jones to be Julio Jones. Direct snap to Peterson goes nowhere. Third down pass is too far for Brown. Titans line up to go for it, but the Rams call time. Titans run play action and Tannehill scores on a naked bootleg. Allyson Felix in the house. The Rams won't have a first-rounder until 2024. Rams starting to heat up. Van Jefferson's emergence is why Desean wanted out (and is reportedly joining the Raiders.) HIGBEE. He gets to the 20. Stafford with a dart to Jefferson in traffic. Touchdown Higbee? Titans defenders in the area say no, he stepped out of bounds. They're looking at it. Call REVERSED. I don't know about that one. Rams settle for a field goal. Again the Rams take three points. Stafford drops the snap on 4th and 1 and ends up throwing an incompletion. Then he comes up limping. Cris: "The Titans beat these guys tonight." Titans trying to run the clock. Good acting on that shove by Donald to draw a roughing penalty. That, on the other hand, IS roughing the passer. Blows to the neck while another defender has him engaged. Touchdown Peterson. Welcome back? OK. Why is Stafford still in? This game's been over for a quarter and a half. Jeffrey Simmons had three sacks? Wild. (Titans 28, Rams 16)


The Steelers have won 16 straight Monday Night home games, and could win their 50th overall tonight. Bret Michaels is from Pittsburgh? Didn't know that. Bears get David Montgomery back. Jason Peters already being helped off. Claypool drops a risky pass from Ben. Harris goes left and scores. Fields bails out and stretches the ball for a first down. Pass is knocked down and intercepted by Cam Heyward. Harris is stopped on 3rd and 2 but picks up 4th and 1.


Ben buys time and eventually finds Pat Freiermuth for the score. Minkah Fitzpatrick lays out Fields to prevent a first down. Bears want a flag but they're not getting one — the hit was inbounds. Poor punt by the Steelers gives the Bears badly-needed field position. Fields finds Kmet for the Bears' biggest play of the night. Then he goes down, creating 3rd and 18. Illegal man downfield makes it 3rd and 23.

They end up settling for three. 14-3 Steelers at halftime. I feel like this is Allen Robinson's first catch in like a month. Griese says he's only been targeted three times a game this season. Goodwin for 50! Announcers aren't sure it's a catch. Steelers challenge. Call STANDS. That was the first challenge Tomlin's used this season? It's week 9! Fields with a laser to Cole Kmet in traffic. Touchdown pass to Graham is called back because of a low block, and both Riddick and Griese don't like the call. Screen to Montgomery gets them back inside the 5. Fields takes another shot after that play that goes uncalled. Field goal is good. Ben finds James Washington down the middle for 42. He had to come back to that. Touchdown Freiermuth! Extra point goes left. Fields finds Graham for 40! Fields hands off to Mooney in the backfield and he scores easily. Boswell hits from 54! Fumble on the kickoff! And BOSWELL recovers it for the Steelers! Someone's gotta get cut for that. You can't allow that. Bears getting killed by penalties as well. Levy: "No matter what happens, after the game, Matt Nagy has to make sure he doesn't say something that'll get him fined." McCloud fumbles this punt return? The Bears pick it up and return it for a touchdown. CONFIRMED. 23-20 Steelers with 6:31 left. Ben finds Johnson to convert 3rd and 7. That's an incomplete pass. WHAT? A Bears player gets called for taunting but no one can find it. Everyone in the booth hates that call. That's a weak defense by John Parry. I hate being that guy but that's a joke.


Steelers add three more. Fields runs into Devin Bush for no good reason. Two minutes! Robinson gets free down the sideline! Touchdown Mooney! Extra point is good and the Bears lead.


Robert Quinn's lined up in the neutral zone twice on this drive. Roethlisberger dives for the line but doesn't make it. Boswell hits from 40 and the Steelers regain the lead with 26 seconds left.


Bears get two completions to get to midfield. Short pass is knocked down, but there are two seconds left still. Santos on for a 65-yarder.


No way this happens. (Steelers 29, Bears 27)


RANKINGS:

TOP 4:

1. Arizona (8-1) — Division games matter

2. Green Bay (7-2) — That went about as well as expected, for one side

3. L.A. Rams (7-2) — That looked like it hurt

4. Tennessee (7-2) — But can they last without Henry?


BOTTOM 4:

29. Jacksonville (2-7) — One of the weirdest results of the season

30. Miami (2-7) — Found someone they can beat

31. Houston (1-8) — Does anyone even care?

32. Detroit (0-8) — Time to start asking if it could happen again

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