Thursday, December 9, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: Aim To Please

Nobody had this. Packers are without Adams, Lazard (who's unvaccinated and also in the COVID protocol) and Valdes-Scantling. I don't suppose the Cardinals would let the Packers borrow, say, Christian Kirk for the night. Murray gets sacked but there's a face mask. Andy Lee's still playing? He's like 47. So the Packers are also missing their defensive coordinator, so they've got one guy calling coverages to another guy, who adds the front setup and relays that to the middle linebacker. Murray launches one out of desperation and Hopkins catches it! No touchdown signal? There's a flag and they get Hopkins for a facemask post-catch. Still a big play — 40 yards after the penalty. Direct snap to Chase Edmonds after Murray motions outside, and Edmonds has an easy score. Roof is OPEN, FYI. Super Bowl 57 will be here, Joe quizzes Troy. Juwan Winfrey? His first catch. Welcome to stats. Packers line up to go for it on 4th and short (about half a yard) from the Cardinals' 6, but the quarter ends before the game clock runs out. They pick it up. Aaron Jones fights through an Isaiah Simmons tackle for a touchdown, spinning his body so that the ball breaks the plane. Packers punt skips away from Rondale Moore and is downed at the Cardinals' 2. Oh, that hit his hand. Packers gotta challenge. They win and the ball's at the 3. Marcedes Lewis almost gets both feet inbounds.


Cobb wants a flag and he probably should have gotten one. Packers settle for three. Hopkins, who we haven't seen since that big play, is now questionable. Jones has one go off his fingertips on third and 12. Hail Mary! We've seen this before. Incomplete. 10-7 Packers at halftime. The Cardinals basically have had the ball once tonight. Interception! Touchdown Cobb. Cardinals putting together a drive. Touchdown James Conner, which is all he does anymore.


Straight-up car crash on this kickoff return. Jones stumbles and falls out of bounds after a 19-yard catch. Tonyan gets 32 but then goes down, grabbing his knee. Touchdown Cobb. Now Edmonds is hurt.


Big catch by Ertz. Touchdown Conner! Packers use their last timeout with 5:41 left. Jones with a big run. That's DPI in the end zone. Jones appears to score but it's being looked at. The Cardinals almost want this to stand, right? There's 4:38 left and it'll be second down if it's overturned. Call REVERSED. He does NOT get in on second down. Now there's a delay of game penalty on the Packers. Rodgers scrambles and... doesn't make it. Play action pass is knocked down! Cardinals ball. Kirk falls down. No one covers A.J. Green. Kirk stays up to make this catch and they're already at midfield with two minutes left. You have to play for the win here, right? Murray bails out and somehow finds Edmonds. Cardinals with one time out left. Murray limping slightly. INTERCEPTED by... Rasul Douglas? He's a Packer now? Green never saw the ball.





What the hell. How is THAT the ending? (Packers 24, Cardinals 21)

Signal Finder: PHI @ DET, SF @ CHI (end), NE @ LAC, TB @ NO

Of course the Bengals would lose to that guy. Of course. Some things never change. (Jets 34, Bengals 31)

Lions win the toss and... take the ball? OK. I mean, you're 0-7, why not. Was Marcus Epps in on every tackle on that drive. Kenny: "Lions line up to punt, we think," then notes that they ran two fakes last week. Tight end screen on 3rd and 13? OK, Lions. Field goal goes wide left. Two reverses by Reagor. LOL what? They call ineligible man downfield on the Eagles, then realize that Hurts stepped out of bounds, making it a running play. Then they call defensive holding. Reagor slips on another sweep but it's ruled a touchdown anyway. We haven't seen an angle that definitively shows if his knee was down when he was touched, or where the ball is when it happened. I'd assume this stands, but who knows. I'm wrong, obviously. Boston Scott, starting for Sanders, scores on the next play. Sweat chases down Goff for his second sack today. Eagles rush to get an extra play off before the quarter ends and they draw the Lions offsides. Jordan Howard with his first carry of the season. I'm surprised he lasted this long on the Eagles' practice squad with all the running back injuries this season. Hurts rolls left for the first time ever, but still throws incomplete. Elliott hits from 43. Barnett with a sack? What is this, Earth-3? Hurts evades a sack and has nothing but green on his left, getting inside the 10. Touchdown Howard.


Announcers' booth camera is weirdly off-center. Big play to St. Brown is called back for illegal formation. Lions go for it on 4th and inches and Milton Williams gets his first sack! 17-0 Eagles at halftime.


Hurts gets out of the pocket on 3rd and 12 and picks up 21. Reagor hurt his ankle on the overturned touchdown and won't return. And when did JJAW even have the opportunity to get hurt? Eagles just running over the Lions now. Touchdown Scott but let's check this flag. It's against the Lions. This is rough, as the Lions have been in most of their games. Goff throws to no one on 4th and 11. The Eagles have 200 rushing yards and there's still 3:30 left in the third quarter. Touchdown Jordan Howard. Boos are LOUD. What is this, Philly? Extra point sneaks through. FUMBLE and the ex-Lion Slay scoops and scores. Maddox (who's from Detroit) punched it away from DeAndre Swift, a Philly kid. Tough scene. Goff gets drilled and HE fumbles, but the Lions keep this one. Drive goes nowhere. Minshew in. Lions lineman hurdles the line on the field goal and the Eagles take it for a first down. Elliott later hits from 25. Eagles haven't had a 40-point shutout since 1949 against the New York Bulldogs. Vilma asks Kenny who the Bulldogs quarterback was. "I'll get back to you." It was Bob DeMoss.


Jermar Jefferson gets the Lions a touchdown. (Eagles 44, Lions 6)

Mitchell dragged everyone on both teams into the end zone there. 49ers take the lead, and the two-point conversion makes that lead seven points. It's been a game of Quarterbacks Running For Touchdowns.



Field goal puts the 49ers up 11 with 1:50 left. Fields throws up a long ball and it's tipped and intercepted! (49ers 33, Bears 22)

A quick pass to Pittman (his second) and it's already 14-0 Colts after a turnover.


Tannehill to A.J. Brown ties it at 14. "Carson Wentz throws up a deep ball and draws a pass interference penalty" is almost a meme at this point. Pass to Doyle puts the Colts back in front. The Colts have had the ball for what seems like a long time and haven't really gone anywhere. What the hell was THAT? Of all the times to not audible.


What are you expecting to get out of a middle screen on your own two-yard line? That's something Pederson would have called last year. The underrated crazy thing about that is that's a better result than taking the safety, because the Colts at least get the ball back. Pittman's been huge today. Imagine if the Eagles had drafted him instead of Reagor. There's the flag for defensive pass interference. Touchdown Taylor! We're somehow tied! Oh no. OH NO. That one was somehow worse.


(Titans 34, Colts 31, OT)

Chargers come out throwing. Ekeler must have seen the Mitchell touchdown in Niners-Bears because he goes and does the same thing here. Jones goes deep to Agholor for 44. Damien Harris punches it in.


Justin Jackson? Justin Jackson! He's going to get caught from behind here. Touchdown Keenan Allen. Patriots driving again. Bourne can't handle the pass but he knocks it down to prevent a pick. Jones overthrows Meyers on fourth and goal, the second bad miss he had down there on that series. (The first was originally called interference, but the flag was picked up.) Chargers can't get out of the hole and the Patriots get a good punt return. Chargers defense holds and the Pats kick it. Intercepted by ex-Charger Adrian Phillips. Call time out, Patriots! Belichick's losing it. Jones misses Agholor badly. He hasn't come close to anyone on this drive. He WAS under pressure on that one, though. Folk hits from 47. Harris breaks a tackle and scores, but it comes back because of a hold. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Folk from 48 and the Pats lead. New Charger Dustin Hopkins (!) makes one from 48 after a long Ekeler run. Patriots challenge this holding penalty, claiming that it took place in the end zone, which would be a safety for them. They lose, but why not. Herbert to Allen gets them out of their own end. Interception! TOUCHDOWN. That's ex-Charger Adrian Phillips! The patriots go for two and get it with Jakobi Meyers, and that's his first trip to the end zone this season.


They add a field goal after the Chargers go three and out. Chargers doing a good job of getting out of bounds after these plays to stop the clock. Who's Joshua Palmer? OK, sure. Onside kick and you know how this ends.


It took me a while to figure out why we got this game here instead of Steelers-Browns for all the Pennsylvania Steelers fans... the Eagles host the Chargers next week. Scouting! (Patriots 27, Chargers 24)

And while Hopkins is in L.A., his replacement had two field goals blocked. I can't make this up. (Broncos 17, Washington 10)

Gronk and Sherman back. Saints give it to Kamara on 4th and 1 and he goes nowhere. Godwin! It feels like he's been invisible the last couple of weeks even with Gronk and Antonio Brown both out. Jenkins breaks up a pass for Gronk in the end zone. Touchdown Godwin. Saints come back with a touchdown on a perfect throw from Winston to TreQuan Smith. Winston down? Not entirely sure what happened. Who's their other backup? (Taysom's still hurt.) TREVOR SIEMIAN LIVES. Brady FUMBLES. Saints ball. This tight end Griffin hadn't caught a pass in FOUR YEARS? And he's got three TODAY? Bucs correctly say that the Saints false-started, which would have been hilarious if they had been wrong. Siemian throws a pick right to Winfield in the end zone, but the refs get Gholston for roughing when he just kind of bumped into Siemian's back after getting his helmet torn off. Aikman hates the call. Field goal is good. Gio RUNS for 25 yards to midfield. Brady gets intercepted by Gardner-Johnson on a late throw as Aikman tries to blame the receiver.


Mark Ingram's back, and wearing No. 14 this week. Saints run play action and get a touchdown to whoever Alex Armah Jr. is. Extra point is no good. 16-7 at halftime. Kevin White! Saints going DEEP into the archives. Before he resurfaced last week I legitimately thought he'd left football. They go on 4th and 4 from the Tampa 32 and get 15. Kamara inside the 10. Smith gets stonewalled at the 1. Kamara takes the fourth down pitch, juggles it, and somehow still scores! Aikman points out that the tight end Troutman kept blocking Lavonte David that whole time. 23-7 Saints. Gronk ruled out with back spasms. Godwin TAKES OFF. Touchdown and the Bucs are back in it. I'm reminded how many times I misspelled Siemian's name in years past. CYRIL GRAYSON? That dude wasn't scouted. Bucs go for two with a slow-developing reverse that doesn't work. Saints come back with a double reverse. What is Payton doing? Oh, right, outsmarting himself as usual. Three bad passes, two of which didn't even get to the end zone, burn only 16 seconds. Field goal is good. 1:40 left for Brady. INTERCEPTION. P.J. Williams brings it home! Crowd is going NUTS.


It looks like Godwin fell down while diving to make the catch when he didn't need to dive. Look, any time Brady face plants like that is a good time. (Saints 36, Buccaneers 27)

Dak is OUT. Welcome to Sunday Night, Cooper Rush. Jamie Lee Curtis as this week's celebrity narrator is inspired. Vikings will get the ball first. Cris was sure Dak would play after seeing him in warmups. Thielen is left completely uncovered for a 20-yard touchdown. Cowboys break out the wishbone with two offensive linemen in the backfield with Pollard. Legatron misses. Three Cowboys quarterbacks have made their first career starts on this version of Sunday Night Football. Including Romo! Reminder that Dak injured his calf two weeks ago throwing the game-winning touchdown pass against the Patriots. Former Cowboy Xavier Woods gets an interception off a tipped pass.


Cowboys jump offsides on a punt. Brilliant. Vikings looking at fourth and inches and they pass to Thielen for 25. Field goal is good. This Dantzler interception won't count. Cousins scrambling with less than 30 seconds? That'll end well. 10-3 Vikings at halftime. Cedrick Wilson posts to the middle and beats his man for a touchdown! 73 yards! We're tied.


Vikings add a field goal. WIDE RECEIVER PASS. Wilson finds Lamb for a big gain. Tied again through three after a field goal.


The U.S. women's hockey team is here. How long are they gonna make those poor women wave? That's a nice throw by Rush to Lamb. Too bad it was called back for holding. Woods with a strip sack? Vikings get it. And proceed to lose nine yards before punting.


They get the ball back and Cris hates this roughing the passer call. Randy Gregory gets flagged twice in three subsequent plays.


Pass is too high for Thielen and he can only take it to the 5 before falling down. Greg Joseph hits from 24 with three minutes left. Cooper with a circus catch off Breeland's chest. Rush has twice as many passing yards as Cousins (301 to 162). Cooper sitting on the sideline with a tennis ball under his calf. Elliott makes the catch and breaks two tackles to set up first and goal. Touchdown Cooper!


Osborn didn't get out of bounds! How about a hurry-up Hail Mary? Not even close. (Cowboys 20, Vikings 16)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Chiefs starting with "get the ball to Tyreek Hill," which is a sound strategy. It opens things up for guys like Pringle and Hardman, also. Chiefs have gotten into the secondary on every play so far. Behind-the-back fake? What? Mahomes' jump pass gets deflected into the air and intercepted in the end zone. That's happened SO MANY TIMES. He threw it into traffic and there were too many Giants around. Willie Gay stares down Jones and picks him off on their second play!


Mahomes scrambles up in the pocket and finds Hill in the back of the end zone. Jon Stewart's on with the Mannings and he's still shaking his head. He asks if he should start rooting against the Giants for draft position. The brothers talk him out of it. "That's almost a yard." Jones launches one and John Ross wins a jump ball. Daniel Sorenson can't be asked to do that. Wide receiver pass from Kadarius Toney to Shepard, who are both back tonight. Shepard with a carry on 3rd and goal that comes up short. Gotta go for this. Jones finds an open Kyle Rudolph for a touchdown. Strange to see him as a Giant. Giants muff the punt and are lucky to recover it. Third down pass hits Shepard in the face. Mahomes throws a sidearmer to Hill for a first down. Another tipped pass, but this one hits the ground. Derrick Gore (no relation) cuts outside and scores.


Devonte Booker's a Giant? He gets 41 on a pass from Jones, who also got roughed afterwards. Strahan's on with the Mannings now and he's apoplectic about that third down call. And rightly so. Throw past the sticks, dudes! Giants... kick a field goal? Really? Somehow that didn't piss him off even more. Chiefs punt and Toney gets plastered inside his own 5. Flag comes out for a helmet-to-helmet hit. And now the Giants are facing 1st and 25. Booker gets 15 and out of bounds with five seconds left. They... take a knee? Man, they're bad. Shepard's out with a quad injury, and they've already lost Pettis, who got hurt on the muffed punt. Mahomes throws deep to Hill but it hangs up there and Jabril Peppers breaks it up. Kelce with only his second catch tonight, and then he fumbles! Giants ball. Jones gets lucky on a swing pass to Toney — the defender fell down or that would have been an interception. Peyton asks Josh Allen if he misses playing against "a 52-year-old quarterback." Touchdown Evan Engram, who hasn't been traded yet. Mahomes hops back to the huddle after a first down scramble. Peyton invokes John Cena giving Jon Stewart the Attitude Adjustment on RAW when the Giants get called for a personal foul. Hardman wants a touchdown but the pass hit the ground before he got his hands on it. Mahomes gets sacked on 3rd and 9 and fumbles but the Chiefs hang on. Field goal ties it.


Someone named Elijah Petty breaks off a big run, then gets hit with a taunting penalty. It's a bad rule, but this is a stupid team and has been for years, so it evens out. Jones overshoots Slayton, but that's because the latter was held. Punt is... not good. Mahomes gets picked off but it's called back because of offsides. FINALLY KELCE. Refs incorrectly call a face mask penalty on the Giants. Quick pitch to Hardman gets the Chiefs inside the Giants' 10. This revamped Chiefs' offensive line has... not been great. Mahomes wisely goes down to keep the clock running, as the Giants have no time outs left. Butker puts the Chiefs up with 1:07 left. Chris Jones sacks Daniel Jones! Ball comes out and that's it.


(Chiefs 20, Giants 17)

RANKINGS:

TOP 4:

1. Green Bay (7-1) — Never interrupt your enemy when he's making a mistake

2. Arizona (7-1) — That would have been huge

3. L.A. Rams (7-1) — The machine rolls on

4. Dallas (6-1) — It hurts to type this

BOTTOM 4:

29. Jacksonville (1-7) — This is already doomed, isn't it?

30. Miami (1-7) — ELEVENER! Too bad that always means you lose

31. Houston (1-7) — Garbage time charges

32. Detroit (0-8) — Just got steamrolled

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