Favorite (and only) new movie I saw: The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy
Most Telling Exchange of the Year: Reporter: "What exactly have you done for Terrell (Owens) besides get him kicked off the team?" Drew Rosenhaus: "Next question."
Man of the Year: Brad Pitt. Hitting both ends of the spectrum in the same calendar year? That doesn't just happen, people.
Most Underappreciated Television Moment: Mike Myers's follow-up to Kanye West's "George Bush doesn't care about black people" rant. "Unsubtle."
Second-Best Television Moment: Tim Russert grilling Homeland Security director Michael Chertoff like a New York strip steak
Biggest Grapefruits: Joe Hachem, for calling a pre-flop raise with 7-3 offsuit and winning the hand and the 2005 World Series of Poker main event
Trend I'm Most Sick Of: This whole "combining the first names of celebrity couples" phenomenon
Sex Symbol of 2005: Well, it's gotta be Jessica Alba, right?
I'm Totally Obsessed With: Melina. And getting out of debt.
People I'm Glad I Wasn't: 1. Michael Brown; 2. Donovan McNabb; 3. Judy Miller; 4. Tom DeLay; 5. Drew Rosenhaus
Bitch of the Year: Katrina
Best Song I Downloaded This Year: Kanye West feat. Jamie Foxx - "Gold Digger"
Biggest Fall: Lindsay Lohan (barely edging out Terrell Owens)
Best Unexpected Verbal Smackdown: Pamela Anderson on Paris Hilton
Underrated Hottie: Kathryn Morris
Most Pleasant Surprise: The new NHL. Hockey's watchable again.
Biggest Regret: Missing "Taradise". Watching this questionably attractive and borderline insane woman tool around the planet with her infinitely hotter friends (Natasha~) and damn near kill herself every week? That's entertainment, people. Even if you only see 10 minutes of it like I did.
What I'm Doing After I Post This: *looks around apartment* At least I have cake.
Unanswered Question Of 2005: I still don't know what a "hollaback girl" is
First Burning Question for 2006: Was there really an outcry for a sequel to Underworld?
Train Wreck Waiting To Happen: It's a tie between Ellen Finds a Man for Tara Reid and Mets fans when the Braves win the NL East... AGAIN
Ambition for 2006: Oh, there's plenty. New job, new apartment. Start the novel, work on my poker skills. Girlfriend? Who can say.
Saturday, December 31, 2005
Thursday, December 29, 2005
A Tale of Two Holidays
Christmas:
Annual ornament (the Three Wise Men)
2006 Dave Barry daily calendar
two pairs of pants
Weird N.J. #25
$200, which went to...
Festivus (bought Wed.):
Smackdown vs. Raw 2006
Positively Fifth Street by James McManus
Tales from the Tiltboys by Phil, Rafe, Perry, et. al.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy DVD (widescreen)
The Truman Show DVD (Special Edition)
two poster frames
The rest of Festivus actually took place on Christmas Day, which should probably have disrupted space-time:
AIRING OF GRIEVANCES
- I complained about the "rum martini" scented candle which was burning to cover the aroma of the roasting Prime Rib (which we may also have had last year)
- Mom lamented the lack of grandchildren, which is going about eight steps too far ahead
FEATS OF STRENGTH
- Lugging three gift boxes packed full of new dishware across the room
- Not getting sick due to the smell of the candle
Annual ornament (the Three Wise Men)
2006 Dave Barry daily calendar
two pairs of pants
Weird N.J. #25
$200, which went to...
Festivus (bought Wed.):
Smackdown vs. Raw 2006
Positively Fifth Street by James McManus
Tales from the Tiltboys by Phil, Rafe, Perry, et. al.
The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy DVD (widescreen)
The Truman Show DVD (Special Edition)
two poster frames
The rest of Festivus actually took place on Christmas Day, which should probably have disrupted space-time:
AIRING OF GRIEVANCES
- I complained about the "rum martini" scented candle which was burning to cover the aroma of the roasting Prime Rib (which we may also have had last year)
- Mom lamented the lack of grandchildren, which is going about eight steps too far ahead
FEATS OF STRENGTH
- Lugging three gift boxes packed full of new dishware across the room
- Not getting sick due to the smell of the candle
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
By the Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 16: I Wanna Be Around
View Finder: SD @ KC; PHI @ AZ
You know what's been kind of overlooked is that the Falcons' defense is not nearly as good as it was last year. And this isn't what they wanted... a must-win against the one team that really owns Vick. Plus, Cadillac's running all over them. Does anybody want to win this game? And what happens if it ends in a tie? I'm glad I'm not a coach because I don't know what I'd have done on that 4th and 2 in overtime. I mean, I guess I'd have gone for it, but...
Speaking of things visiting teams don't want, how about the Chargers in Arrowhead in the least conspicuous driving rainstorm you'll ever see. They're tackling like the Chiefs did last week, and it's not like Johnson's been almost impossible to stop as it is. No one scored in the second half? Really? *crosses off Chargers*
Santa Chad~~~~ What's going on here? Oh, sure the Bills have beaten the Bengals seven straight times, but these aren't the same old Bengals. OK, now they need to be worried. That kickoff/interception touchdown return double's never happened before? Deion never did it? I'm genuinely shocked by that.
The 49ers do realize the No. 1 pick's on the line, right?
The Redskins are probably mad over what happened last time. Can't blame 'em. And already they've improved on that by scoring. When did Santana Moss become great? Now everybody's getting into the act. You know who's good is Jon Jansen. Patrick Ramsey lives! But he's burning timeouts like he's taking orders from Mike Martz. Ah, there we go. Holy crap. That's four in a row. They can still win the East? What's going on here?
Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass? I Don't, And Frankly, Neither Should You: Eagles-Cardinals.
Why not just leave Alexander in the game if you're gonna do that? I dunno.
Poor Mark Tauscher. Expends all that energy to run to the lower part of the wall to do the Leap and the play gets called back. Then Favre gets an interception taken off the board. Noah Herron? Was Eddie Lee Ivery unavailable? Longwell doesn't usually miss twice like that. The quasi-Favre's-eye view on the Briggs interception was nice - Brett clearly couldn't see him - but you shouldn't throw that pass if you can't see where it's supposed to be going. Rex has been... serviceable. Uh-oh. Here come the Packers? HERE COME THE PACKERS? Or not.
Who are you and what have you done with Kyle Boller?
I gotta be honest: Madden using the phrase "render unto Caesar" pretty much completes the entire Monday Night Football experience for me. There's nothing left for them to do. I thought it was nice that Vinny and Flutie were able to get out onto the field without the aid of their walkers. Very inspiring. I'm stunned they even showed that part of the Nicollette Sheridan/T.O. bit in the intro video package.
FANTASY REPORT JackSux: Damn you, Rob T. Damn your SOUL. I'm still not sure how it happened - maybe I misread the scores - but I was up about 12 after Saturday and ended up losing by 15. Second year in a row he's beaten me in the playoffs. And this one was for the championship.
aPa SmackDown!: Lost to Doom in the fifth-place game.
RANKINGS TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (13-2) - Not particularly concerned right now
2. Seattle (13-2) - OMG
3. Denver (12-3) - Taking leisurely stroll into No. 2 seed
BOTTOM 3:
30. San Francisco (3-12) - Help is still needed
31. Houston (3-12) - Bottom/top spot not a sure thing anymore
32. Green Bay (3-12) - Make it stop
You know what's been kind of overlooked is that the Falcons' defense is not nearly as good as it was last year. And this isn't what they wanted... a must-win against the one team that really owns Vick. Plus, Cadillac's running all over them. Does anybody want to win this game? And what happens if it ends in a tie? I'm glad I'm not a coach because I don't know what I'd have done on that 4th and 2 in overtime. I mean, I guess I'd have gone for it, but...
Speaking of things visiting teams don't want, how about the Chargers in Arrowhead in the least conspicuous driving rainstorm you'll ever see. They're tackling like the Chiefs did last week, and it's not like Johnson's been almost impossible to stop as it is. No one scored in the second half? Really? *crosses off Chargers*
Santa Chad~~~~ What's going on here? Oh, sure the Bills have beaten the Bengals seven straight times, but these aren't the same old Bengals. OK, now they need to be worried. That kickoff/interception touchdown return double's never happened before? Deion never did it? I'm genuinely shocked by that.
The 49ers do realize the No. 1 pick's on the line, right?
The Redskins are probably mad over what happened last time. Can't blame 'em. And already they've improved on that by scoring. When did Santana Moss become great? Now everybody's getting into the act. You know who's good is Jon Jansen. Patrick Ramsey lives! But he's burning timeouts like he's taking orders from Mike Martz. Ah, there we go. Holy crap. That's four in a row. They can still win the East? What's going on here?
Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass? I Don't, And Frankly, Neither Should You: Eagles-Cardinals.
Why not just leave Alexander in the game if you're gonna do that? I dunno.
Poor Mark Tauscher. Expends all that energy to run to the lower part of the wall to do the Leap and the play gets called back. Then Favre gets an interception taken off the board. Noah Herron? Was Eddie Lee Ivery unavailable? Longwell doesn't usually miss twice like that. The quasi-Favre's-eye view on the Briggs interception was nice - Brett clearly couldn't see him - but you shouldn't throw that pass if you can't see where it's supposed to be going. Rex has been... serviceable. Uh-oh. Here come the Packers? HERE COME THE PACKERS? Or not.
Who are you and what have you done with Kyle Boller?
I gotta be honest: Madden using the phrase "render unto Caesar" pretty much completes the entire Monday Night Football experience for me. There's nothing left for them to do. I thought it was nice that Vinny and Flutie were able to get out onto the field without the aid of their walkers. Very inspiring. I'm stunned they even showed that part of the Nicollette Sheridan/T.O. bit in the intro video package.
FANTASY REPORT JackSux: Damn you, Rob T. Damn your SOUL. I'm still not sure how it happened - maybe I misread the scores - but I was up about 12 after Saturday and ended up losing by 15. Second year in a row he's beaten me in the playoffs. And this one was for the championship.
aPa SmackDown!: Lost to Doom in the fifth-place game.
RANKINGS TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (13-2) - Not particularly concerned right now
2. Seattle (13-2) - OMG
3. Denver (12-3) - Taking leisurely stroll into No. 2 seed
BOTTOM 3:
30. San Francisco (3-12) - Help is still needed
31. Houston (3-12) - Bottom/top spot not a sure thing anymore
32. Green Bay (3-12) - Make it stop
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Thank You, Lisa
From an email. I don't think she'll mind.
**********
"If I could possibly offend you by speaking about any holiday...
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for a socially conscious, low-stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of a holiday on or near the date of the winter solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious and/or secular persuasion of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, inclusive of the choice not to engage in any religious or secular traditions.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish, at the sole discretion of wisher.
A merry non-demoninational holiday to you.
For those of you who aren't tight ass, jerk-offs who are offended by everything
merry christmas!!
**********
I'm ghost like Swayze. See you Tuesday.
**********
"If I could possibly offend you by speaking about any holiday...
Please accept with no obligation, implied or implicit, my best wishes for a socially conscious, low-stress, non-addictive, gender neutral celebration of a holiday on or near the date of the winter solstice, practiced within the most enjoyable traditions of the religious and/or secular persuasion of your choice, with respect for the religious/secular persuasions and/or traditions of others, inclusive of the choice not to engage in any religious or secular traditions.
This wish is warranted to perform as expected within the usual application of good tidings for a period of one year, or until the issuance of a subsequent holiday greeting, whichever comes first, and warranty is limited to replacement of this wish or issuance of a new wish, at the sole discretion of wisher.
A merry non-demoninational holiday to you.
For those of you who aren't tight ass, jerk-offs who are offended by everything
merry christmas!!
**********
I'm ghost like Swayze. See you Tuesday.
Tuesday, December 20, 2005
By the Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 15: ...And Justice For All
Chris Simms on the road? Whatever.
Coughlin never looks happy. He can't even manage "nonplussed." Of course, he's only got about 16 players left. Who taught the Chiefs how to tackle? This is embarrassing. Run, Tiki! Run! Is anybody going to try to stop a running back today? Guess not. Personally, I'm fine with the Giants winning the division.
View Finder: PHI @ STL, PIT @ MIN, DAL @ WSH
No, the sign you're not having a good year is when your game gets swapped back to a 1:00 slot. The "Embraceable Ewes"? They better be the hottest women alive. I'm trying to pay attention here but this game is just so bad. Faulk still has it, sort of. Neither quarterback hit 100 yards passing? That's a record, right? I still don't know where Bartrum came from. Faulk standing on the sideline during the final drive? Did Martz come back and not tell anybody?
You know how wild animals become more dangerous when they're wounded? That's the Chargers. That's a good number for Merriman to be wearing, I think. Is it just me or have the Chargers completely bottled up Edge? Interesting that the Colts ended up going back to September and relied on their defense to get them out of this hole. It's hard to keep these guys down, yet it's still too close. It seems like the Chargers have deflected about nine passes. Why's Turner in the game? Oh. Aw. I was hoping they'd do it.
And here's the same thing again with the dangerous wounded animals. The Vikings' red zone meltdowns are making me wonder if the end zones have been over-pollinated or quarantined or something. Well, when you can't throw it... *crosses off Vikings*
If the Dolphins had a quarterback, they'd be dangerous.
You know, Reggie Bush may swerve us all and go back. It's not like there isn't a precedent for it. And you could argue that the Cardinals need him more than the Texans do anyway -- he can't pass-block that I know of.
Man, all those angry fans in Bengals colors... that's just... wrong. The great thing about Chad's non-celebration was that he looked around for a few seconds like he didn't know what he was gonna do. Which may have been it, actually -- he went minimalist on us. Wow. Next thing you know, the Clippers are gonna be in first place. *Is handed bulletin* What? WHAT?
And now it's time for Eagles fans to indulge in their second-favorite pastime: rooting against the Cowboys. What the hell, Brunell, you couldn't do this last week when I needed you? Damn you. I couldn't enjoy this as much as I'd liked because it was the Redskins.
Browns 9, Raiders 7. Yeah, that's about right.
Bet ESPN didn't think this one would shape up to be as interesting and important as it is. Hmmm. First to 10 wins? Man, guys are getting hit big-time on both sides. I'd make Simmons' "Is that... is that Rex Grossman's music?" joke here but nobody'd recognize the actual music. Still, that's an... oddly timed move. The Carpenter interception/immediate fumble happened earlier in the Lions game but they got it back. I'm surprised Jenkins got up after the hit he took. Ouch.
To answer Johnny's question, it's the same thing that was happening to Joe Paterno the last few years... everybody knows the end's coming, but nobody wants to see it end like this. (Well, except maybe Vikings fans.)
FANTASY REPORT
JackSux: Powered by Tiki, I beat Johnny 76-49 to reach the finals, where I'll face... Rob in a rematch of last year's semifinal.
aPa SmackDown!: We beat Nate and will play Doom for fifth place.
RANKINGS
TOP 3
1. Indianapolis (13-1) - Now the real fun begins
2. Denver (11-3) - Keep rolling along
3. Cincinnati (11-3) - Nothing less than the beginning of a new age
BOTTOM 3
30. Green Bay (3-11) - Giving up 48 to the Ravens?!?!?
31. San Francisco (2-12) - Only Jets have scored fewer points
32. Houston (2-12) - Make your own joke, folks
Coughlin never looks happy. He can't even manage "nonplussed." Of course, he's only got about 16 players left. Who taught the Chiefs how to tackle? This is embarrassing. Run, Tiki! Run! Is anybody going to try to stop a running back today? Guess not. Personally, I'm fine with the Giants winning the division.
View Finder: PHI @ STL, PIT @ MIN, DAL @ WSH
No, the sign you're not having a good year is when your game gets swapped back to a 1:00 slot. The "Embraceable Ewes"? They better be the hottest women alive. I'm trying to pay attention here but this game is just so bad. Faulk still has it, sort of. Neither quarterback hit 100 yards passing? That's a record, right? I still don't know where Bartrum came from. Faulk standing on the sideline during the final drive? Did Martz come back and not tell anybody?
You know how wild animals become more dangerous when they're wounded? That's the Chargers. That's a good number for Merriman to be wearing, I think. Is it just me or have the Chargers completely bottled up Edge? Interesting that the Colts ended up going back to September and relied on their defense to get them out of this hole. It's hard to keep these guys down, yet it's still too close. It seems like the Chargers have deflected about nine passes. Why's Turner in the game? Oh. Aw. I was hoping they'd do it.
And here's the same thing again with the dangerous wounded animals. The Vikings' red zone meltdowns are making me wonder if the end zones have been over-pollinated or quarantined or something. Well, when you can't throw it... *crosses off Vikings*
If the Dolphins had a quarterback, they'd be dangerous.
You know, Reggie Bush may swerve us all and go back. It's not like there isn't a precedent for it. And you could argue that the Cardinals need him more than the Texans do anyway -- he can't pass-block that I know of.
Man, all those angry fans in Bengals colors... that's just... wrong. The great thing about Chad's non-celebration was that he looked around for a few seconds like he didn't know what he was gonna do. Which may have been it, actually -- he went minimalist on us. Wow. Next thing you know, the Clippers are gonna be in first place. *Is handed bulletin* What? WHAT?
And now it's time for Eagles fans to indulge in their second-favorite pastime: rooting against the Cowboys. What the hell, Brunell, you couldn't do this last week when I needed you? Damn you. I couldn't enjoy this as much as I'd liked because it was the Redskins.
Browns 9, Raiders 7. Yeah, that's about right.
Bet ESPN didn't think this one would shape up to be as interesting and important as it is. Hmmm. First to 10 wins? Man, guys are getting hit big-time on both sides. I'd make Simmons' "Is that... is that Rex Grossman's music?" joke here but nobody'd recognize the actual music. Still, that's an... oddly timed move. The Carpenter interception/immediate fumble happened earlier in the Lions game but they got it back. I'm surprised Jenkins got up after the hit he took. Ouch.
To answer Johnny's question, it's the same thing that was happening to Joe Paterno the last few years... everybody knows the end's coming, but nobody wants to see it end like this. (Well, except maybe Vikings fans.)
FANTASY REPORT
JackSux: Powered by Tiki, I beat Johnny 76-49 to reach the finals, where I'll face... Rob in a rematch of last year's semifinal.
aPa SmackDown!: We beat Nate and will play Doom for fifth place.
RANKINGS
TOP 3
1. Indianapolis (13-1) - Now the real fun begins
2. Denver (11-3) - Keep rolling along
3. Cincinnati (11-3) - Nothing less than the beginning of a new age
BOTTOM 3
30. Green Bay (3-11) - Giving up 48 to the Ravens?!?!?
31. San Francisco (2-12) - Only Jets have scored fewer points
32. Houston (2-12) - Make your own joke, folks
Friday, December 16, 2005
Color Scheme
As far as being angry goes, Ron Artest really shouldn't have anything on Donovan McNabb.
From being booed on draft day by an isolated group of brainwashed Eagles fans to being called "overrated" by a political commentator with absolutely no knowledge of the game of football to being ripped in the media by a self-absorbed "teammate" with the people skills of a SCUD missile, it's a wonder the man hasn't snapped, or gotten visibly fed up, or wanted out. It's gone beyond ludicrous.
And now, because McNabb has chosen to take the high road each time and handle these criticisms with class, dignity and eloquence (and apparently also because he's done something as relatively trivial as not scramble as much as he used to) that doesn't make him "black" enough.
By now you know the story: Philadelphia NAACP president J. Whyatt "Jerry" Mondeshire took several shots at McNabb in his Philadelphia Sun column last week, calling him a mediocre quarterback and a terrible leader, saying he's wasting his talent by not running the ball more often, then accusing McNabb of playing the race card when he says "that's what people expect black quarterbacks to do."
Except McNabb was absolutely right. That is what people expect black quarterbacks to do. And even that doesn't mean that all black quarterbacks throughout history have been just runners (I wonder if Mondeshire's ever heard of a guy by the name of Warren Moon.)
There are so many things about this latest controversy that just flat-out piss me off, but the most personal aspect for me is the idea that, if you're black, you have to act a certain way, or talk a certain way, or play a certain way to be considered "black." (Note the distinction I'm making by putting "black" in quotes there.)
Both of my parents are college-educated. My dad spent five years in the Air Force after leaving school, then became a civilian employee and an Army Reservist, working as a flight line mechanic at McGuire Air Force Base. Mom's been a registered nurse for over 30 years. I'm an only child who grew up in a well-established, racially and ethnically mixed suburban New Jersey neighborhood. Does that make me any less black than the guy who grew up in West Philadelphia or Flatbush or Compton with his three siblings raised by his grandmother?
No.
And yet I struggled with this through a decent portion of my teenage years, when rap went gangsta and the images associated with it were all over the place. When you're a teenager and going through all the things mentally that teenagers go through, well, it's just one more major thing to have on your mind. You see that and it's hard not to think that that's the way it should be, that that's the way young black men are supposed to act.
That's a bunch of crap, of course. And thinking back, I think I knew then that it wasn't representative of all of us, which is probably why I didn't try to play the role. It didn't seem natural. It wasn't who I was. And I eventually learned that it didn't matter.
I guess to some people it still does.
The notion that anyone -- regardless of race -- is selling out his race by acting or not acting a certain way is insane. That someone who's supposed to be a leader in the black community is advocating that notion is obscene.
You can criticize McNabb's play all you want. You won't necessarily be right, but that's in-bounds.
But his race doesn't belong in this argument. Or any argument, for that matter.
From being booed on draft day by an isolated group of brainwashed Eagles fans to being called "overrated" by a political commentator with absolutely no knowledge of the game of football to being ripped in the media by a self-absorbed "teammate" with the people skills of a SCUD missile, it's a wonder the man hasn't snapped, or gotten visibly fed up, or wanted out. It's gone beyond ludicrous.
And now, because McNabb has chosen to take the high road each time and handle these criticisms with class, dignity and eloquence (and apparently also because he's done something as relatively trivial as not scramble as much as he used to) that doesn't make him "black" enough.
By now you know the story: Philadelphia NAACP president J. Whyatt "Jerry" Mondeshire took several shots at McNabb in his Philadelphia Sun column last week, calling him a mediocre quarterback and a terrible leader, saying he's wasting his talent by not running the ball more often, then accusing McNabb of playing the race card when he says "that's what people expect black quarterbacks to do."
Except McNabb was absolutely right. That is what people expect black quarterbacks to do. And even that doesn't mean that all black quarterbacks throughout history have been just runners (I wonder if Mondeshire's ever heard of a guy by the name of Warren Moon.)
There are so many things about this latest controversy that just flat-out piss me off, but the most personal aspect for me is the idea that, if you're black, you have to act a certain way, or talk a certain way, or play a certain way to be considered "black." (Note the distinction I'm making by putting "black" in quotes there.)
Both of my parents are college-educated. My dad spent five years in the Air Force after leaving school, then became a civilian employee and an Army Reservist, working as a flight line mechanic at McGuire Air Force Base. Mom's been a registered nurse for over 30 years. I'm an only child who grew up in a well-established, racially and ethnically mixed suburban New Jersey neighborhood. Does that make me any less black than the guy who grew up in West Philadelphia or Flatbush or Compton with his three siblings raised by his grandmother?
No.
And yet I struggled with this through a decent portion of my teenage years, when rap went gangsta and the images associated with it were all over the place. When you're a teenager and going through all the things mentally that teenagers go through, well, it's just one more major thing to have on your mind. You see that and it's hard not to think that that's the way it should be, that that's the way young black men are supposed to act.
That's a bunch of crap, of course. And thinking back, I think I knew then that it wasn't representative of all of us, which is probably why I didn't try to play the role. It didn't seem natural. It wasn't who I was. And I eventually learned that it didn't matter.
I guess to some people it still does.
The notion that anyone -- regardless of race -- is selling out his race by acting or not acting a certain way is insane. That someone who's supposed to be a leader in the black community is advocating that notion is obscene.
You can criticize McNabb's play all you want. You won't necessarily be right, but that's in-bounds.
But his race doesn't belong in this argument. Or any argument, for that matter.
Thursday, December 15, 2005
The Crap That's In My Head
Slightly neurotic teenager on bus: "You know what I hate, man? When you're in the temple with the gold B-Buddha, and you pick the leave with the virus on it!"
Narrator: "Soon the world will be divided into two groups. Those who've experienced Burn: Cycle, the CD interactive adventure game..."
VFX from game: "That's gotta be one hell of a virus!"
Narrator: "...and those who think the first group is just... strange."
You'll see by the link that that ad's 10 years old.
I think I need help.
Narrator: "Soon the world will be divided into two groups. Those who've experienced Burn: Cycle, the CD interactive adventure game..."
VFX from game: "That's gotta be one hell of a virus!"
Narrator: "...and those who think the first group is just... strange."
You'll see by the link that that ad's 10 years old.
I think I need help.
Tuesday, December 13, 2005
By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 14: Talking (Play)Book
View Finder: IND @ JAX, NYG @ PHI
Da-da-da-daa-da-daaaaaa! CHARLIE! And with that, the home stretch begins. Nice of the Jaguars to make it easy for everyone by just coming completely unglued. And now it's the Mike Vanderjagt Show. DAVID GARRARD CANNOT BE TACKLED. I was a big fan of this guy in college; I'd like to see him get a real shot somewhere. Inside, Dungy's screaming a string of expletives. I actually agree with the Jaguars kicking it deep after they closed to 26-18 for two reasons: 1) they got damn lucky on the first onside kick; and 2) the Colts know it's coming. Nice catch, Dallas. NEXT.
This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Browns-Bengals.
This Bus comes with all-weather tires. Ben probably shouldn't even consider throwing any deep balls in this weather, and it looks like he's heeding that advice. You could really pencil this in as a loss for the Bears right away -- the Steelers came in desperate and have too much talent to fall to a team that can't score points.
*glances warily at the Vikings*
Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass: Raiders-Jets.
Tomlinson hasn't done much. That should be a concern. How do you let the kicker recover his own kick? Chris Chambers is a BEAST. Or at least he has been the last couple of weeks. You think Brees said to Marty, "I should really just do this myself" and Marty said "Yeah, you're probably right." Holy crap. The Dolphins did this last year, too, but it didn't hurt the Patriots as badly as this one does. I'll be shocked if the Chargers get up from that.
A very small part of me is liking this "We have no expectations at this point" thing. And there goes Tiki, killing us again like he's done for years. The most surprising thing about the Moats touochdown was how he was running away from people. I don't think anyone knew he had that kind of speed. And now the Giants start losing offensive linemen like they're bicycle instructions. Bob Whitfield's still alive? When Billy McMullen's catching passes, anything's possible. Are the Giants actually gonna screw around and lose this game? The officiating tonight has been... questionable. When you're throwing to two guys in the same spot, you'd think you'd hit one of them, right? Tie game! And Eli throws another pick! You are KIDDING me. McMahon tried to sell the fumble as a forward pass, but too little, too late. Hey, this guy's still suspect... damn it. Donovan would've won that game.
Now this is more like it. Alexander's crane kick~~~~~~
*crosses off Chiefs*
Here's your chance to see an ESPN programming executive weep hysterically. Honestly, at this point the Lions should just go straight to Orlovsky. I think Sherman made a deal with Favre that he could still be quarterback, but he wasn't allowed to throw any more passes. What the hell, you're 4-8, go for it! D'OH!!! OK, seriously; how was that not a safety? The hold took place in the end zone. Even the refs have failed the Lions this year.
You'd think the Saints would learn not to let Vick get to the edge like that. Wow, both quarterbacks are getting beat up tonight. Great catch by White, and it seems like Vick's sort of found a wideout he's confortable throwing to. Why is Matt Schaub in the game?
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown!: Mark Brunell can kiss my ass. Three interceptions against the Cardinals?!?! Thanks to LDT's off day, I actually would have had a shot against Weeba if he'd done anything positive. As it is, I lost, 86.77-74.56
JackSux: That performance cost Brunell his starting spot for the Captains as well. I had a bye this week and will face Johnny in the semis.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (13-0) - Let the debate begin
2. Cincinnati (10-3) - Survive Carson's bad game
3. Seattle (10-3) - Party at Starbucks tonight
BOTTOM 3:
30. Saints (3-10) - End this charade
31. San Francisco (2-11) - Things can only get better...
32. Houston (1-12) - ... and I can't even say that for sure about the Texans
Da-da-da-daa-da-daaaaaa! CHARLIE! And with that, the home stretch begins. Nice of the Jaguars to make it easy for everyone by just coming completely unglued. And now it's the Mike Vanderjagt Show. DAVID GARRARD CANNOT BE TACKLED. I was a big fan of this guy in college; I'd like to see him get a real shot somewhere. Inside, Dungy's screaming a string of expletives. I actually agree with the Jaguars kicking it deep after they closed to 26-18 for two reasons: 1) they got damn lucky on the first onside kick; and 2) the Colts know it's coming. Nice catch, Dallas. NEXT.
This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Browns-Bengals.
This Bus comes with all-weather tires. Ben probably shouldn't even consider throwing any deep balls in this weather, and it looks like he's heeding that advice. You could really pencil this in as a loss for the Bears right away -- the Steelers came in desperate and have too much talent to fall to a team that can't score points.
*glances warily at the Vikings*
Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass: Raiders-Jets.
Tomlinson hasn't done much. That should be a concern. How do you let the kicker recover his own kick? Chris Chambers is a BEAST. Or at least he has been the last couple of weeks. You think Brees said to Marty, "I should really just do this myself" and Marty said "Yeah, you're probably right." Holy crap. The Dolphins did this last year, too, but it didn't hurt the Patriots as badly as this one does. I'll be shocked if the Chargers get up from that.
A very small part of me is liking this "We have no expectations at this point" thing. And there goes Tiki, killing us again like he's done for years. The most surprising thing about the Moats touochdown was how he was running away from people. I don't think anyone knew he had that kind of speed. And now the Giants start losing offensive linemen like they're bicycle instructions. Bob Whitfield's still alive? When Billy McMullen's catching passes, anything's possible. Are the Giants actually gonna screw around and lose this game? The officiating tonight has been... questionable. When you're throwing to two guys in the same spot, you'd think you'd hit one of them, right? Tie game! And Eli throws another pick! You are KIDDING me. McMahon tried to sell the fumble as a forward pass, but too little, too late. Hey, this guy's still suspect... damn it. Donovan would've won that game.
Now this is more like it. Alexander's crane kick~~~~~~
*crosses off Chiefs*
Here's your chance to see an ESPN programming executive weep hysterically. Honestly, at this point the Lions should just go straight to Orlovsky. I think Sherman made a deal with Favre that he could still be quarterback, but he wasn't allowed to throw any more passes. What the hell, you're 4-8, go for it! D'OH!!! OK, seriously; how was that not a safety? The hold took place in the end zone. Even the refs have failed the Lions this year.
You'd think the Saints would learn not to let Vick get to the edge like that. Wow, both quarterbacks are getting beat up tonight. Great catch by White, and it seems like Vick's sort of found a wideout he's confortable throwing to. Why is Matt Schaub in the game?
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown!: Mark Brunell can kiss my ass. Three interceptions against the Cardinals?!?! Thanks to LDT's off day, I actually would have had a shot against Weeba if he'd done anything positive. As it is, I lost, 86.77-74.56
JackSux: That performance cost Brunell his starting spot for the Captains as well. I had a bye this week and will face Johnny in the semis.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (13-0) - Let the debate begin
2. Cincinnati (10-3) - Survive Carson's bad game
3. Seattle (10-3) - Party at Starbucks tonight
BOTTOM 3:
30. Saints (3-10) - End this charade
31. San Francisco (2-11) - Things can only get better...
32. Houston (1-12) - ... and I can't even say that for sure about the Texans
Tuesday, December 6, 2005
By the Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 13: Birth of the Cool
View Finder: CIN @ PIT, DAL @ NYG, DEN @ KC
What's that thing on Ben's hand? Have you ever heard of a chronically injured thumb before? It's a parade of interceptions here right now and Ben doesn't look good. Pittsburgh's corners cannot cover the Bengals' receivers. Did Ward get there? Yes! ICKEY SHUFFLE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm stunned that Ward beat Chad to it. These kids today, no sense of history. David Pollack lives! I think Carson's officially broken the Heisman quarterback curse. What's happened to the Steelers?
I have zero faith in Mike Tice's ability to not screw this up.
I'm against the Giants' red jerseys. Strahan looks like he's wearing a rubber suit. Okay, that guy's either offside or really really REALLY quick... Bledsoe almost handed him the ball. Who knew Terry Glenn being shut out would hurt the Cowboys' offense so much? They're running out of corners, too, even though they keep intercepting Eli. Oh dear Lord. Feely may not make another field goal this season. At least that one didn't end up meaning anything.
Odd that the Falcons are just now getting around to playing the Panthers. I'm leaning towards "against" on the baby-wipe celebration. Did somebody from Carolina steal Tampa Bay's Falcons game tapes? Because this is pretty much how the Bucs stop Vick and he's owned the Panthers in recent years. Hey, wait a minute! That's why those cheerleaders were down in Tampa! I've cracked the case.
Sage Rosenfels? You're kidding me, right?
This may be the day the Bears end their 56-game losing streak against Favre or whatever it is. That's gotta be heartbreaking, to run an interception back that far and not score. The 95 yards would be more than the 68 or so Orton threw for. Ouch! Is that an Aaron Rodgers sighting? It probably should have been.
The Broncos are MOTIVATED. The Chiefs are DESPERATE. And nobody bothered to cover Hall on that long touchdown catch. By the same token, you'd think somebody on the Chiefs would have noticed Plummer split out wide and said, "Hey, isn't 16 usually... over there?" Shanahan's been running that play for years. I thought they were gonna throw it to him until the ball was snapped and he made no attempt to even fake running a route. Nice save, Trent. Will someone please explain to Lynch you can't lead with your helmet? And while you're at it, tell him to shut up before he gets tossed (and I'm mildly surprised he didn't) Larry Johnson was massive in this game. How about this seuqence: The Broncos go for it on fourth down and they get it, they call time out, the Chiefs challenge it (and rightly so -- Anderson wasn't even close), get the call overturned, the officials reset the game clock to 2:01, and then Shanahan lobbies for his time out back and gets it.
Between last week's Haslett remark and that B.S. he spewed last night about how Moss is a better teammate than T.O., Theismann's really starting to piss me off. So that's where Michael Turner ended up. Well, at least the Raiders... didn't get penalized? Baby steps.
Completely Unrelated Aside: And that's what makes them the Duke Blue Devils.
REG-GIE! REG-GIE! REG-GIE! Inclement weather~~~~ I took Monday night off months in advance. I figured the Eagles are playing, could be a big game, I'll get to actually see Raw during the commercials... and I get this? It's clearly a sign from above. So that's where Andre Dyson ended up. I think Stephanie McMahon could have played quarterback better than Mike McMahon did tonight. Y'know, Randall's here... can we get him a uniform or something? Reggie's turning over in his grave. What? That was in poor taste? So was this game. Shut your mouth.
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (8-5, W3, 5th seed): Edged A Football God 75-70, but couldn't get out of the 5 spot. I'm stuck with Weeba in the first round of the playoffs, and he waxed me in Week 3 and has Tomlinson, so I'm pretty much toast.
JackSux (10-3, W2, 1st seed): Won my season finale by two points. Rob made it a six-team playoff this year instead of the absurd eight, so I get a bye into the semis, which is a Good Thing as I would've had a lot of bad matchups this week.
RANKINGS:
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (12-0) - Next!
2. Cincinnati (9-3) - Bungles no more
3. (tie) Denver (9-3) - Problems at Arrowhead continue
(tie) Seattle (10-2) - Stock rises with nationally televised ass-kicking
BOTTOM 3:
30. San Francisco (2-10) - Got swept by the Cardinals
31. Green Bay (2-10) - Someone please tell Favre it's over
32. Houston (1-11) - Seriously, what's left?
What's that thing on Ben's hand? Have you ever heard of a chronically injured thumb before? It's a parade of interceptions here right now and Ben doesn't look good. Pittsburgh's corners cannot cover the Bengals' receivers. Did Ward get there? Yes! ICKEY SHUFFLE~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I'm stunned that Ward beat Chad to it. These kids today, no sense of history. David Pollack lives! I think Carson's officially broken the Heisman quarterback curse. What's happened to the Steelers?
I have zero faith in Mike Tice's ability to not screw this up.
I'm against the Giants' red jerseys. Strahan looks like he's wearing a rubber suit. Okay, that guy's either offside or really really REALLY quick... Bledsoe almost handed him the ball. Who knew Terry Glenn being shut out would hurt the Cowboys' offense so much? They're running out of corners, too, even though they keep intercepting Eli. Oh dear Lord. Feely may not make another field goal this season. At least that one didn't end up meaning anything.
Odd that the Falcons are just now getting around to playing the Panthers. I'm leaning towards "against" on the baby-wipe celebration. Did somebody from Carolina steal Tampa Bay's Falcons game tapes? Because this is pretty much how the Bucs stop Vick and he's owned the Panthers in recent years. Hey, wait a minute! That's why those cheerleaders were down in Tampa! I've cracked the case.
Sage Rosenfels? You're kidding me, right?
This may be the day the Bears end their 56-game losing streak against Favre or whatever it is. That's gotta be heartbreaking, to run an interception back that far and not score. The 95 yards would be more than the 68 or so Orton threw for. Ouch! Is that an Aaron Rodgers sighting? It probably should have been.
The Broncos are MOTIVATED. The Chiefs are DESPERATE. And nobody bothered to cover Hall on that long touchdown catch. By the same token, you'd think somebody on the Chiefs would have noticed Plummer split out wide and said, "Hey, isn't 16 usually... over there?" Shanahan's been running that play for years. I thought they were gonna throw it to him until the ball was snapped and he made no attempt to even fake running a route. Nice save, Trent. Will someone please explain to Lynch you can't lead with your helmet? And while you're at it, tell him to shut up before he gets tossed (and I'm mildly surprised he didn't) Larry Johnson was massive in this game. How about this seuqence: The Broncos go for it on fourth down and they get it, they call time out, the Chiefs challenge it (and rightly so -- Anderson wasn't even close), get the call overturned, the officials reset the game clock to 2:01, and then Shanahan lobbies for his time out back and gets it.
Between last week's Haslett remark and that B.S. he spewed last night about how Moss is a better teammate than T.O., Theismann's really starting to piss me off. So that's where Michael Turner ended up. Well, at least the Raiders... didn't get penalized? Baby steps.
Completely Unrelated Aside: And that's what makes them the Duke Blue Devils.
REG-GIE! REG-GIE! REG-GIE! Inclement weather~~~~ I took Monday night off months in advance. I figured the Eagles are playing, could be a big game, I'll get to actually see Raw during the commercials... and I get this? It's clearly a sign from above. So that's where Andre Dyson ended up. I think Stephanie McMahon could have played quarterback better than Mike McMahon did tonight. Y'know, Randall's here... can we get him a uniform or something? Reggie's turning over in his grave. What? That was in poor taste? So was this game. Shut your mouth.
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (8-5, W3, 5th seed): Edged A Football God 75-70, but couldn't get out of the 5 spot. I'm stuck with Weeba in the first round of the playoffs, and he waxed me in Week 3 and has Tomlinson, so I'm pretty much toast.
JackSux (10-3, W2, 1st seed): Won my season finale by two points. Rob made it a six-team playoff this year instead of the absurd eight, so I get a bye into the semis, which is a Good Thing as I would've had a lot of bad matchups this week.
RANKINGS:
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (12-0) - Next!
2. Cincinnati (9-3) - Bungles no more
3. (tie) Denver (9-3) - Problems at Arrowhead continue
(tie) Seattle (10-2) - Stock rises with nationally televised ass-kicking
BOTTOM 3:
30. San Francisco (2-10) - Got swept by the Cardinals
31. Green Bay (2-10) - Someone please tell Favre it's over
32. Houston (1-11) - Seriously, what's left?
Tuesday, November 29, 2005
By the Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 12: A Hard Day's Night
WTF we had Cornish hens last year too.
The interception where Roy fell down... that's basically the story of the Lions, isn't it? If they were gonna do that, why not just have Garcia start the game? There won't be much funnier this season than Buck and Aikman trying to pass off the blame for the Galloping Gobbler onto the producers. Except maybe Vick's reaction to winning it. Me, Week 6: "Seriously, NFL coaches don't get fired midseason anymore." The lesson, as always...
This one should be good. Nice pick by Champ. The Cowboys have done a good job keeping the Broncos' ground game relatively in check. And you're not going to believe this, but Plummer actually threw an interception. That's a bad miss by Cundiff. RON DAYNE LIVES!!! Champ: "I guess we're livin' right."
View Finder: CHI @ TB, SD @ WSH (end), GB @ PHI, NYG @ SEA (end)
First time seeing Da Bears this year -- they get great pressure with their front four and don't blitz nearly as much as the '85 defense did. Like right there with the fumble. This should be easy points and we're not going to see a lot of those. Bryant... misses? Ouch. Okay, so the Bears offense is suspect at best (even though I still maintain that, with time, Orton will turn out better than Grossman would have), but that defense is the real deal.
Who are you, and what have you done with Tom Brady? And should I ask the same question of the Chiefs' DBs?
Have I crossed off the Rams yet? No? They're getting waxed by the Texans, for God's sake. "Ryan Fitzpatrick" really sounds more like a pitcher's name than a quarterback's. And slowly but surely the Texans are regaining consciousness. Okay, what happened in the last minute? Wow. The Texans got beat by a Harvard man. They'd probably get beat by Harvard.
Karma's a bitch, ain't it, Dan Snyder? *crosses off Redskins*
"Looks like about a 20-footer for Johnson... he's made tougher putts than this..."
Now Buck and Aikman have to be thinking to themselves, "What the hell are we doing here?" PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Nice move by Westbrook. It may be boring, but it's all they've got at this point, and let's remember: Mike McMahon is your quarterback. Oh, and there's the defense giving up big plays again. Ack. Huh. The left side of Philly's line is all new and they're not doing so bad. Favre's never won here? Really? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. How is that roughing? How? And it ends up not really mattering. Where's Aaron Rodgers?
The Leftwich injury may have made things a lot easier for the Chargers.
Play action! I'm not sure how that works when Alexander hasn't done a whole lot but I'm OK with it. Nice foot drag by Toomer. Are we sure Shockey stayed in? Do the Seahawks want to win this game? (waits two minutes) Do the Giants want to win this game? Eleven false starts? That's unfathomable. Do the Giants want to win this game? Can a guy be cut in the middle of a game? Is that possible? Tiki, before the third miss: "I will give you my house if he misses this one." I think we're gonna need a notary public.
This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Jay Feely, 2. Matt Bryant, 3. Billy Cundiff, 4. John Hall, 5. Jeff Reed.
All right, Joe, you need to calm down with that "Haslett for Coach of the Year" talk. I don't know why the rules are the way they are but I can't justify overturning the Coles touchdown. Are you like me and would have rather watched the Grey Cup instead of this?
That's... exactly the opposite of the way the Steelers wanted to start this game. That's gonna be a bad matchup all night; the Steelers' corners have been their weak spot for years. Has Peyton missed yet? Ah, there's one. I'm quite disappointed in the lack of touchdowns tonight. What was that? An onside kick? That's a sign of panic if I ever saw one. Notice how many of Ben's throws aren't going where they look like they should be going -- I'm thinking of one in particular in the third where it looked like he lobbed it and it ended up being almost a line drive. I'm not going to say whether the Colts can do it or not.
FANTASY REPORT aPa SmackDown! (7-5, W2, clinched playoff berth): I led Nate by .02 after Sunday's games and we had about every relevant Colt except for Peyton. But Marvin gave me the edge and I won 89-57 and THE SEAGULLS ARE BACK IN THE PLAYOFFS! Now to figure out how best to avoid Weeba and LDT in the first round.
JackSux (9-3, W1): The Falcons' defense gave me a 20-point lead on Gates on Thanksgiving and I cruised from there. Now it's about getting that first-round bye -- Rob, Jen and I have the same record, and I'm only 73 points ahead of third-place Jen.
RANKINGS TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (11-0) - May as well go for it now
2. Denver (9-2) - Continuing to do things right
3. Seattle (9-2) - Now that's a suckout
BOTTOM 3:
30. N.Y. Jets (2-9) - Richard Todd comeback rumors are unfounded
31. Green Bay (2-9) - Has everything officially gone wrong yet?
32. Houston (1-10) - I think I'm out of one-liners
The interception where Roy fell down... that's basically the story of the Lions, isn't it? If they were gonna do that, why not just have Garcia start the game? There won't be much funnier this season than Buck and Aikman trying to pass off the blame for the Galloping Gobbler onto the producers. Except maybe Vick's reaction to winning it. Me, Week 6: "Seriously, NFL coaches don't get fired midseason anymore." The lesson, as always...
This one should be good. Nice pick by Champ. The Cowboys have done a good job keeping the Broncos' ground game relatively in check. And you're not going to believe this, but Plummer actually threw an interception. That's a bad miss by Cundiff. RON DAYNE LIVES!!! Champ: "I guess we're livin' right."
View Finder: CHI @ TB, SD @ WSH (end), GB @ PHI, NYG @ SEA (end)
First time seeing Da Bears this year -- they get great pressure with their front four and don't blitz nearly as much as the '85 defense did. Like right there with the fumble. This should be easy points and we're not going to see a lot of those. Bryant... misses? Ouch. Okay, so the Bears offense is suspect at best (even though I still maintain that, with time, Orton will turn out better than Grossman would have), but that defense is the real deal.
Who are you, and what have you done with Tom Brady? And should I ask the same question of the Chiefs' DBs?
Have I crossed off the Rams yet? No? They're getting waxed by the Texans, for God's sake. "Ryan Fitzpatrick" really sounds more like a pitcher's name than a quarterback's. And slowly but surely the Texans are regaining consciousness. Okay, what happened in the last minute? Wow. The Texans got beat by a Harvard man. They'd probably get beat by Harvard.
Karma's a bitch, ain't it, Dan Snyder? *crosses off Redskins*
"Looks like about a 20-footer for Johnson... he's made tougher putts than this..."
Now Buck and Aikman have to be thinking to themselves, "What the hell are we doing here?" PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Nice move by Westbrook. It may be boring, but it's all they've got at this point, and let's remember: Mike McMahon is your quarterback. Oh, and there's the defense giving up big plays again. Ack. Huh. The left side of Philly's line is all new and they're not doing so bad. Favre's never won here? Really? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. How is that roughing? How? And it ends up not really mattering. Where's Aaron Rodgers?
The Leftwich injury may have made things a lot easier for the Chargers.
Play action! I'm not sure how that works when Alexander hasn't done a whole lot but I'm OK with it. Nice foot drag by Toomer. Are we sure Shockey stayed in? Do the Seahawks want to win this game? (waits two minutes) Do the Giants want to win this game? Eleven false starts? That's unfathomable. Do the Giants want to win this game? Can a guy be cut in the middle of a game? Is that possible? Tiki, before the third miss: "I will give you my house if he misses this one." I think we're gonna need a notary public.
This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Jay Feely, 2. Matt Bryant, 3. Billy Cundiff, 4. John Hall, 5. Jeff Reed.
All right, Joe, you need to calm down with that "Haslett for Coach of the Year" talk. I don't know why the rules are the way they are but I can't justify overturning the Coles touchdown. Are you like me and would have rather watched the Grey Cup instead of this?
That's... exactly the opposite of the way the Steelers wanted to start this game. That's gonna be a bad matchup all night; the Steelers' corners have been their weak spot for years. Has Peyton missed yet? Ah, there's one. I'm quite disappointed in the lack of touchdowns tonight. What was that? An onside kick? That's a sign of panic if I ever saw one. Notice how many of Ben's throws aren't going where they look like they should be going -- I'm thinking of one in particular in the third where it looked like he lobbed it and it ended up being almost a line drive. I'm not going to say whether the Colts can do it or not.
FANTASY REPORT aPa SmackDown! (7-5, W2, clinched playoff berth): I led Nate by .02 after Sunday's games and we had about every relevant Colt except for Peyton. But Marvin gave me the edge and I won 89-57 and THE SEAGULLS ARE BACK IN THE PLAYOFFS! Now to figure out how best to avoid Weeba and LDT in the first round.
JackSux (9-3, W1): The Falcons' defense gave me a 20-point lead on Gates on Thanksgiving and I cruised from there. Now it's about getting that first-round bye -- Rob, Jen and I have the same record, and I'm only 73 points ahead of third-place Jen.
RANKINGS TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (11-0) - May as well go for it now
2. Denver (9-2) - Continuing to do things right
3. Seattle (9-2) - Now that's a suckout
BOTTOM 3:
30. N.Y. Jets (2-9) - Richard Todd comeback rumors are unfounded
31. Green Bay (2-9) - Has everything officially gone wrong yet?
32. Houston (1-10) - I think I'm out of one-liners
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 11: Born To Run
View Finder: PHI @ NYG, PIT @ BAL (end), IND @ CIN
This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close I: Eagles-Giants. Here's all you need to know about Mike McMahon: 1) He went to Rutgers; and 2) the Lions let him go. I'll let that sink in while you look at how awful he's been so far. Oh, a blocked punt. That hasn't happened to them yet, right? OK. Eli's looking kind of unremarkable again. OK, this Brandon Jacobs thing? It's not working out quite right. McMahon's picked it up here in the second half. TOUCHDOWN! Now they have to get the ball back... but not after a Giants score. Nice fakeout by Eli there. Oh well.
*crosses off Rams*
There was a Sage Rosenfels bandwagon? Have things gotten that bad down there? Well, when you get shut out by the Browns, I guess they have. How exactly did both teams come out of this game with quarterback controversies? Did anyone have the Browns winning four games this year? I didn't.
This should be interesting... the Bucs know how to keep Vick contained, but he seems to be making a concerted effort to at least try to throw down the field. Cadillac seems to be rolling again, which complicates matters. And the Falcons are in another early hole. Hey, a Michael Jenkins sighting! The Falcons were 11 of 17 on third down, blowing up the Bucs' 29% allowance rate or whatever it was. So what happened at the end? Vick lost the ball; did Dunn get tossed into him or something? Brooks didn't even know afterwards. "We're going to creep out of here very humbly."
Holy crap. Delhomme's like the Space Invaders turret but the whole front row's shooting back. Eight sacks? Really? How does that happen? Vasher's going to end up in the Pro Bowl if he keeps this up. That's one good team the Bears have beaten, which puts their total at... one. I'm willing to buy.
This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close II: Saints-Patriots.
No Ben, no Batch, no chance? "How do you keep ravens out of your backyard?" "Put up goal posts." Nice to see Maddox still sucking the big one. Y'know, Kordell Stewart is out there.
And the Colts and Bengals proceed to score more points in 20 minutes than the Steelers and Ravens scored in 70. Ah, there's the old Chad. Good on ya. What's interesting so far is that the Bengals have completely bottled up the Colts' pass rush. If only they hadn't settled for that one field goal. Are the Colts just pulling guys out of the stands and throwing touchdowns to them? Who are these people? I thought the kickoff after the Fletcher touchdown was a punt because I didn't see either the touchdown or the guy kick off afterwards. What's beautiful about the Colts is that they can do that, then come out in the second half and run the ball seven straight times. Onside kick time! The Bengals went the other way the first time; they have to do the same thing again, right? Because the Colts aren't lining up like they're expecting it.
I heard a nasty rumor that they're hanging up the powder blues for good. Deny this.
This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close III: Seahawks-49ers. And yet...
Man, not only are the Texans bad, aside from the kickoff return, they're boring to watch. They're so boring they make the other team boring. I've never been so disinterested watching 45 points being scored in my life.
You can throw out the records when the Vikings and the Packers meet, and in this case, I think they'd both prefer it. Why aren't the Vikings covering Driver? Wait a second... a Vikings DB not named Sharper making an actual play? What's that about? Well, that was short-lived. The Vikings' offense has scored! Stop the presses!!! We've seen this ending before, haven't we?
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (6-5, W1): I needed the Vikings to keep Sakmon Gado out of the end zone Monday night, and they did, giving me a 60-56 win over the Dead Kennedys in a game I had to have. The Seagulls are currently 7th, six points behind our bitter rivals the Goat Boys of Iowa, who we meet next week.
JackSux (8-3, L2): You know the saying, "When you say you have two quarterbacks, it means you don't have any"? Well, this week I did the same thing as last week and made a last-minute switch from Trent Green to Mark Brunell and paid dearly for it. With Green, Droughns and Reggie Brown, I left 51 points on the bench. That's obscene.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (10-0) - The fireworks are back
2. Denver (8-2) - Broncos show no signs of slipping
3. Seattle (8-2) - Winning the ugly ones this time around
BOTTOM 3:
30. San Francisco (2-8) - When's The Original coming back?
31. Green Bay (2-8) - You can see the end from here
32. Houston (1-9) - Zzzzzzzzzzzz...
This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close I: Eagles-Giants. Here's all you need to know about Mike McMahon: 1) He went to Rutgers; and 2) the Lions let him go. I'll let that sink in while you look at how awful he's been so far. Oh, a blocked punt. That hasn't happened to them yet, right? OK. Eli's looking kind of unremarkable again. OK, this Brandon Jacobs thing? It's not working out quite right. McMahon's picked it up here in the second half. TOUCHDOWN! Now they have to get the ball back... but not after a Giants score. Nice fakeout by Eli there. Oh well.
*crosses off Rams*
There was a Sage Rosenfels bandwagon? Have things gotten that bad down there? Well, when you get shut out by the Browns, I guess they have. How exactly did both teams come out of this game with quarterback controversies? Did anyone have the Browns winning four games this year? I didn't.
This should be interesting... the Bucs know how to keep Vick contained, but he seems to be making a concerted effort to at least try to throw down the field. Cadillac seems to be rolling again, which complicates matters. And the Falcons are in another early hole. Hey, a Michael Jenkins sighting! The Falcons were 11 of 17 on third down, blowing up the Bucs' 29% allowance rate or whatever it was. So what happened at the end? Vick lost the ball; did Dunn get tossed into him or something? Brooks didn't even know afterwards. "We're going to creep out of here very humbly."
Holy crap. Delhomme's like the Space Invaders turret but the whole front row's shooting back. Eight sacks? Really? How does that happen? Vasher's going to end up in the Pro Bowl if he keeps this up. That's one good team the Bears have beaten, which puts their total at... one. I'm willing to buy.
This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close II: Saints-Patriots.
No Ben, no Batch, no chance? "How do you keep ravens out of your backyard?" "Put up goal posts." Nice to see Maddox still sucking the big one. Y'know, Kordell Stewart is out there.
And the Colts and Bengals proceed to score more points in 20 minutes than the Steelers and Ravens scored in 70. Ah, there's the old Chad. Good on ya. What's interesting so far is that the Bengals have completely bottled up the Colts' pass rush. If only they hadn't settled for that one field goal. Are the Colts just pulling guys out of the stands and throwing touchdowns to them? Who are these people? I thought the kickoff after the Fletcher touchdown was a punt because I didn't see either the touchdown or the guy kick off afterwards. What's beautiful about the Colts is that they can do that, then come out in the second half and run the ball seven straight times. Onside kick time! The Bengals went the other way the first time; they have to do the same thing again, right? Because the Colts aren't lining up like they're expecting it.
I heard a nasty rumor that they're hanging up the powder blues for good. Deny this.
This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close III: Seahawks-49ers. And yet...
Man, not only are the Texans bad, aside from the kickoff return, they're boring to watch. They're so boring they make the other team boring. I've never been so disinterested watching 45 points being scored in my life.
You can throw out the records when the Vikings and the Packers meet, and in this case, I think they'd both prefer it. Why aren't the Vikings covering Driver? Wait a second... a Vikings DB not named Sharper making an actual play? What's that about? Well, that was short-lived. The Vikings' offense has scored! Stop the presses!!! We've seen this ending before, haven't we?
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (6-5, W1): I needed the Vikings to keep Sakmon Gado out of the end zone Monday night, and they did, giving me a 60-56 win over the Dead Kennedys in a game I had to have. The Seagulls are currently 7th, six points behind our bitter rivals the Goat Boys of Iowa, who we meet next week.
JackSux (8-3, L2): You know the saying, "When you say you have two quarterbacks, it means you don't have any"? Well, this week I did the same thing as last week and made a last-minute switch from Trent Green to Mark Brunell and paid dearly for it. With Green, Droughns and Reggie Brown, I left 51 points on the bench. That's obscene.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (10-0) - The fireworks are back
2. Denver (8-2) - Broncos show no signs of slipping
3. Seattle (8-2) - Winning the ugly ones this time around
BOTTOM 3:
30. San Francisco (2-8) - When's The Original coming back?
31. Green Bay (2-8) - You can see the end from here
32. Houston (1-9) - Zzzzzzzzzzzz...
Saturday, November 19, 2005
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 10: Turnstiles
God, this weekend sucked.
View Finder: MIN @ NYG, WSH @ TB
It's easy to forget that Eli hasn't even played 16 games yet. In the back of your mind, you knew this was coming; you just didn't think it would happen against this bunch. Did anyone even see Sharper? Is anyone trying? Hey, a Koren Robinson sighting! This is what it's come to for him? Sad. Tice getting racked sums up the entire Vikings' season, doesn't it? In Eli's defense here, two of those weren't his fault (the one that went off of Toomer's hands at the end, in particular, should've been caught) How 'bout that Vikings offense? Good Lord. This should never have happened.
The City appears to be particularly Windy -- I think that field goal attempt ended up in the ivy at Wrigley. And I think the bigger question is: knowing that, why do you try a 52-yarder? Vasher was running like a lineman at the end of that.
Really? It's been that long since the Jaguars have scored 30 points?
Max: "Wasn't Sakmon Goto the guy who crippled Van Damme's brother in Kickboxer?" His name is Sakmon Gato. Well, this guy's is. I have no explanation for the outcome of this game other than Packer pride. Well, that and the fumbles. This may be Upset of the Year.
Hey, the real Rams are back. The wire story said "Vitt morphed into Martz" on the fake field goal flop and that's pretty accurate. I think the NFC West just got decided. Can we start talking about Alexander, please?
Fly, Alstott! Fly! Sometimes a game can be fun when it's the exact opposite of what you expect it to be. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. When did Ike Hilliard join the Buccaneers? Talk about a stealth move. And this is what I mean... how are these two teams in a shootout? Especially with Tampa getting nothing from Cadillac again, although Simms looks sharp. The announcers called the offsides on the blocked extra point before the officials did. Are... are the Bucs going for two now? WOW. I still don't know if he got in or not.
I expect one long "Duuuuuuuce" chant tonight. Apparently I'm mistaken. How about that Wilson catch? And Batch's Matt Leinart impression? It's fortunate the Browns are still pretty bad because I don't know if I'd feel confident with Maddox in there otherwise. Truth: Randle El finished with more passing yards.
*crosses off Eagles*
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (5-5, L1): It's telling that of the teams that I draw players from, only the Colts won. Ska beats me 93-77 in a game he had to have.
JackSux (8-2, L1): Trent Green scores negative points and I lose by eight. Thanks for your fucking contribution.
RANKINGS TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (9-0) - Now it starts getting heavy
2. Denver (7-2) - Plummer an MVP candidate?
3. Pittsburgh (7-2) - Going through QBs like Sherman through Georgia
BOTTOM 3:
30. Saints (2-7) - Week off can't stop the badness
31. Green Bay (2-7) - Well, that's... something
32. Houston (1-8) - Would they take Leinart?
View Finder: MIN @ NYG, WSH @ TB
It's easy to forget that Eli hasn't even played 16 games yet. In the back of your mind, you knew this was coming; you just didn't think it would happen against this bunch. Did anyone even see Sharper? Is anyone trying? Hey, a Koren Robinson sighting! This is what it's come to for him? Sad. Tice getting racked sums up the entire Vikings' season, doesn't it? In Eli's defense here, two of those weren't his fault (the one that went off of Toomer's hands at the end, in particular, should've been caught) How 'bout that Vikings offense? Good Lord. This should never have happened.
The City appears to be particularly Windy -- I think that field goal attempt ended up in the ivy at Wrigley. And I think the bigger question is: knowing that, why do you try a 52-yarder? Vasher was running like a lineman at the end of that.
Really? It's been that long since the Jaguars have scored 30 points?
Max: "Wasn't Sakmon Goto the guy who crippled Van Damme's brother in Kickboxer?" His name is Sakmon Gato. Well, this guy's is. I have no explanation for the outcome of this game other than Packer pride. Well, that and the fumbles. This may be Upset of the Year.
Hey, the real Rams are back. The wire story said "Vitt morphed into Martz" on the fake field goal flop and that's pretty accurate. I think the NFC West just got decided. Can we start talking about Alexander, please?
Fly, Alstott! Fly! Sometimes a game can be fun when it's the exact opposite of what you expect it to be. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. When did Ike Hilliard join the Buccaneers? Talk about a stealth move. And this is what I mean... how are these two teams in a shootout? Especially with Tampa getting nothing from Cadillac again, although Simms looks sharp. The announcers called the offsides on the blocked extra point before the officials did. Are... are the Bucs going for two now? WOW. I still don't know if he got in or not.
I expect one long "Duuuuuuuce" chant tonight. Apparently I'm mistaken. How about that Wilson catch? And Batch's Matt Leinart impression? It's fortunate the Browns are still pretty bad because I don't know if I'd feel confident with Maddox in there otherwise. Truth: Randle El finished with more passing yards.
*crosses off Eagles*
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (5-5, L1): It's telling that of the teams that I draw players from, only the Colts won. Ska beats me 93-77 in a game he had to have.
JackSux (8-2, L1): Trent Green scores negative points and I lose by eight. Thanks for your fucking contribution.
RANKINGS TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (9-0) - Now it starts getting heavy
2. Denver (7-2) - Plummer an MVP candidate?
3. Pittsburgh (7-2) - Going through QBs like Sherman through Georgia
BOTTOM 3:
30. Saints (2-7) - Week off can't stop the badness
31. Green Bay (2-7) - Well, that's... something
32. Houston (1-8) - Would they take Leinart?
Friday, November 11, 2005
Hammer Time!!!
I've just about given up raising pre-flop at the .5/1 Party tables because nobody respects it. But here's why you still probably should:
$0.50/$1 Texas Hold'em - Friday, November 11, 02:35:32 EDT 2005
Table Table 65508 (Real Money)
Seat 2 is the button
Total number of players : 10
Seat 1: Jagarn333 ( $25 )
Seat 2: mddocbrooks ( $30.13 )
Seat 3: minutemaid05 ( $59.11 )
Seat 4: eagle405 ( $11.50 )
Seat 5: RJBOOMER ( $19.25 )
Seat 6: waynederful ( $11.62 )
Seat 7: JNICSAC ( $44.25 )
Seat 8: JonasN ( $24.75 )
Seat 9: kevinx8279 ( $0 )
Seat 10: flanagan9905 ( $4.75 )
kevinx8279 has left the table.
minutemaid05 posts small blind [$0.25].
eagle405 posts big blind [$0.50].
Jagarn333 posts big blind [$0.50].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to eagle405 [ 2s 7c ]
RJBOOMER calls [$0.50].
waynederful calls [$0.50].
JNICSAC calls [$0.50].
JonasN folds.
Prestt8 has joined the table.
flanagan9905 calls [$0.50].
Jagarn333 checks.
mddocbrooks calls [$0.50].
minutemaid05 calls [$0.25].
eagle405 checks.
** Dealing Flop ** [ Kc, 2d, 7s ]
minutemaid05 checks.
eagle405 bets [$0.50].
RJBOOMER folds.
waynederful folds.
JNICSAC folds.
flanagan9905 raises [$1].
Jagarn333 folds.
mddocbrooks folds.
minutemaid05 folds.
eagle405 calls [$0.50].
** Dealing Turn ** [ 8c ]
eagle405 bets [$1].
flanagan9905 raises [$2].
eagle405 calls [$1].
** Dealing River ** [ 6h ]
eagle405 checks.
flanagan9905 bets [$1].
eagle405 calls [$1].
flanagan9905 shows [ Kd, 5h ] a pair of kings.
eagle405 shows [ 2s, 7c ] two pairs, sevens and twos.
eagle405 wins $11.25 from the main pot with two pairs, sevens and twos.
-----------
I will no longer play on Wednesdays because I always lose money. I lost $10 in three hands on Wednesday night getting slow-played to death.
After that hand, I got knocked out of a $2 multi-table tourney when my pocket queens ran into pocket aces. My MTT finishes are actually getting worse.
But still, I dropped the HAMMER.
$0.50/$1 Texas Hold'em - Friday, November 11, 02:35:32 EDT 2005
Table Table 65508 (Real Money)
Seat 2 is the button
Total number of players : 10
Seat 1: Jagarn333 ( $25 )
Seat 2: mddocbrooks ( $30.13 )
Seat 3: minutemaid05 ( $59.11 )
Seat 4: eagle405 ( $11.50 )
Seat 5: RJBOOMER ( $19.25 )
Seat 6: waynederful ( $11.62 )
Seat 7: JNICSAC ( $44.25 )
Seat 8: JonasN ( $24.75 )
Seat 9: kevinx8279 ( $0 )
Seat 10: flanagan9905 ( $4.75 )
kevinx8279 has left the table.
minutemaid05 posts small blind [$0.25].
eagle405 posts big blind [$0.50].
Jagarn333 posts big blind [$0.50].
** Dealing down cards **
Dealt to eagle405 [ 2s 7c ]
RJBOOMER calls [$0.50].
waynederful calls [$0.50].
JNICSAC calls [$0.50].
JonasN folds.
Prestt8 has joined the table.
flanagan9905 calls [$0.50].
Jagarn333 checks.
mddocbrooks calls [$0.50].
minutemaid05 calls [$0.25].
eagle405 checks.
** Dealing Flop ** [ Kc, 2d, 7s ]
minutemaid05 checks.
eagle405 bets [$0.50].
RJBOOMER folds.
waynederful folds.
JNICSAC folds.
flanagan9905 raises [$1].
Jagarn333 folds.
mddocbrooks folds.
minutemaid05 folds.
eagle405 calls [$0.50].
** Dealing Turn ** [ 8c ]
eagle405 bets [$1].
flanagan9905 raises [$2].
eagle405 calls [$1].
** Dealing River ** [ 6h ]
eagle405 checks.
flanagan9905 bets [$1].
eagle405 calls [$1].
flanagan9905 shows [ Kd, 5h ] a pair of kings.
eagle405 shows [ 2s, 7c ] two pairs, sevens and twos.
eagle405 wins $11.25 from the main pot with two pairs, sevens and twos.
-----------
I will no longer play on Wednesdays because I always lose money. I lost $10 in three hands on Wednesday night getting slow-played to death.
After that hand, I got knocked out of a $2 multi-table tourney when my pocket queens ran into pocket aces. My MTT finishes are actually getting worse.
But still, I dropped the HAMMER.
Tuesday, November 8, 2005
By the Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 9: War
View Finder: SD @ NYJ, OAK @ KC (end), NYG @ SF
Philip, I'd advise you to take a good look around. Scout the winds; note the dimensions, know where all the exits are. Just... familiarize yourself with this place. I'm not saying; I'm just saying. Touchdown LDT. Touchdown LDT. Touch... yeah, you know the rest. Brooks Bollinger's back! Maybe this means they'll finally put Vinny down for good? Martin's 100th career touchdown? Pshhh. Tomlinson may get that many this season at this pace. Are the Chargers gonna blow another one? Okay, no. Butch: "You know what I'd like? To root for a boring team. That'd be nice."
Hey, who's that guy in the red and white hanging out in the pocket throwing laser beams?
Watch Out For: Jacksonville.
Anyone here seen the Bears play yet? Are they actually any good or just the best of a sorry lot? Tiger Stadium probably drew more for Arkansas State or whoever LSU played last week. The Saints just can't score touchdowns. It's unfathomable what's gone on down there.
"Six of the last seven Chiefs-Raiders games in Arrowhead have been decided in overtime or the last 25 seconds of regulation. The teams are 3-3 in those six games, but the last three have gone to the Chiefs." So you know where this is headed. As you see above, I caught the tail end of this and... wow. Just... wow. Not only to go for it there, but to call a running play. Vince McMahon's grapefruits are nothing compared to Dick Vermiel's.
Better catch: Burleson or Shockey?
Speaking of the Giants, it looked for a long time like they were gonna screw up and lose this one. All the penalties, the two long field goals Nedney hit... they just didn't look good for the longest time. I'm not convinced yet.
We did the math and figured out that in a hypothetical Seahawks/Cardinals Sunday night game, Shaun Alexander would rush for 529 yards.
This Week It Sucks To Be: 2. Anthony Wright, 3. Brett Favre, 4. Chris Simms, 5. Josh McCown.
This'll be... interesting. Donovan's moving better than he has since he got hurt, but like Patrick said, that likely just means he feels better than he had been. It doesn't mean everything's all right. Brown could've run another 50 yards and not been caught, that's how good a route that was. FUMBLE... ah, they got it back. I still haven't digested the Failed Fake Spike yet. It's almost like Donovan forgot to tell anyone else he was gonna do it. It's a David Akers sighting! And there's another fumble the Redskins get back. OMG a BILLY McMULLEN sighting! You know who's good is Chris Cooley. How many breaks are the Redskins going to get tonight? Good Lord. Nice to see the Eagles acting with the appropriate sense of urgency here, but even if they score, there might be too much time left... but that's no longer an issue, is it?
Colts score first! That's massive. Even after the Patriots tied it, I didn't get the feeling that the Colts felt like they were in any danger. Maybe it was just early. What nobody pointed out on the "Which runner was ruled down?" fumble was that the reason the ball came loose again was that David had thrown it away after recovering it. So he knew he was down, but nobody else did, and everyone comically chased it down another 35 yards or so. High comedy. Going for it in that spot? An onside kick that early? What's Belichick thinking? The other part of Madden was saying about how the Patriots' defense looked tired was all the guys they had to move around because of the injuries, and then just ineffectiveness. (Hello, there's a reason Duane Starks was cut by the freakin' Cardinals.) That was Dennis Quaid doing the open? Really? Has Indy punted yet? The thing is, now, the Colts might not even see the Patriots again this year.
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (5-4, W1): MARVIN HARRISON IS A GOLDEN GOD. Going into Monday night I had Harrison, Wayne and Vanderjagt while Wade had Peyton and David Givens, who I was expecting to be the difference. But it was Marvin's second touchdown catch (and Wade not having a second available RB) that enabled me to win by seven.
JackSux (8-1, W1, clinched playoff spot): That's right, friends. The Captains of Charisma are already in the playoffs. I trailed the Iceflame Freaks by a fraction of a point going into MNF and basically just needed Wayne to show up. Next week I have to go without Tomlinson, though.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (8-0) - Season's over
2. Denver (6-2) - Will week off turn them back into choking dogs?
3. Cincinnati (7-2) - Bengals get physical against rivals
BOTTOM 3:
30. Saints (2-7) - Circumstances aside, this team blows
31. Houston (1-7) - Return to form
32. Green Bay (1-7) - The sad thing is, they can't even draft Leinart
Philip, I'd advise you to take a good look around. Scout the winds; note the dimensions, know where all the exits are. Just... familiarize yourself with this place. I'm not saying; I'm just saying. Touchdown LDT. Touchdown LDT. Touch... yeah, you know the rest. Brooks Bollinger's back! Maybe this means they'll finally put Vinny down for good? Martin's 100th career touchdown? Pshhh. Tomlinson may get that many this season at this pace. Are the Chargers gonna blow another one? Okay, no. Butch: "You know what I'd like? To root for a boring team. That'd be nice."
Hey, who's that guy in the red and white hanging out in the pocket throwing laser beams?
Watch Out For: Jacksonville.
Anyone here seen the Bears play yet? Are they actually any good or just the best of a sorry lot? Tiger Stadium probably drew more for Arkansas State or whoever LSU played last week. The Saints just can't score touchdowns. It's unfathomable what's gone on down there.
"Six of the last seven Chiefs-Raiders games in Arrowhead have been decided in overtime or the last 25 seconds of regulation. The teams are 3-3 in those six games, but the last three have gone to the Chiefs." So you know where this is headed. As you see above, I caught the tail end of this and... wow. Just... wow. Not only to go for it there, but to call a running play. Vince McMahon's grapefruits are nothing compared to Dick Vermiel's.
Better catch: Burleson or Shockey?
Speaking of the Giants, it looked for a long time like they were gonna screw up and lose this one. All the penalties, the two long field goals Nedney hit... they just didn't look good for the longest time. I'm not convinced yet.
We did the math and figured out that in a hypothetical Seahawks/Cardinals Sunday night game, Shaun Alexander would rush for 529 yards.
This Week It Sucks To Be: 2. Anthony Wright, 3. Brett Favre, 4. Chris Simms, 5. Josh McCown.
This'll be... interesting. Donovan's moving better than he has since he got hurt, but like Patrick said, that likely just means he feels better than he had been. It doesn't mean everything's all right. Brown could've run another 50 yards and not been caught, that's how good a route that was. FUMBLE... ah, they got it back. I still haven't digested the Failed Fake Spike yet. It's almost like Donovan forgot to tell anyone else he was gonna do it. It's a David Akers sighting! And there's another fumble the Redskins get back. OMG a BILLY McMULLEN sighting! You know who's good is Chris Cooley. How many breaks are the Redskins going to get tonight? Good Lord. Nice to see the Eagles acting with the appropriate sense of urgency here, but even if they score, there might be too much time left... but that's no longer an issue, is it?
Colts score first! That's massive. Even after the Patriots tied it, I didn't get the feeling that the Colts felt like they were in any danger. Maybe it was just early. What nobody pointed out on the "Which runner was ruled down?" fumble was that the reason the ball came loose again was that David had thrown it away after recovering it. So he knew he was down, but nobody else did, and everyone comically chased it down another 35 yards or so. High comedy. Going for it in that spot? An onside kick that early? What's Belichick thinking? The other part of Madden was saying about how the Patriots' defense looked tired was all the guys they had to move around because of the injuries, and then just ineffectiveness. (Hello, there's a reason Duane Starks was cut by the freakin' Cardinals.) That was Dennis Quaid doing the open? Really? Has Indy punted yet? The thing is, now, the Colts might not even see the Patriots again this year.
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (5-4, W1): MARVIN HARRISON IS A GOLDEN GOD. Going into Monday night I had Harrison, Wayne and Vanderjagt while Wade had Peyton and David Givens, who I was expecting to be the difference. But it was Marvin's second touchdown catch (and Wade not having a second available RB) that enabled me to win by seven.
JackSux (8-1, W1, clinched playoff spot): That's right, friends. The Captains of Charisma are already in the playoffs. I trailed the Iceflame Freaks by a fraction of a point going into MNF and basically just needed Wayne to show up. Next week I have to go without Tomlinson, though.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (8-0) - Season's over
2. Denver (6-2) - Will week off turn them back into choking dogs?
3. Cincinnati (7-2) - Bengals get physical against rivals
BOTTOM 3:
30. Saints (2-7) - Circumstances aside, this team blows
31. Houston (1-7) - Return to form
32. Green Bay (1-7) - The sad thing is, they can't even draft Leinart
Tuesday, November 1, 2005
By the PIgskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: Houses of the (Un)Holy
View Finder: WSH @ NYG, JAX @ STL, OAK @ TEN (end), PHI @ DEN
RIP Mr. Mara. Hey, between putting up 52 points last week and this, the Redskins are screwed, right? Yeah, that's what I thought.
This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Packers-Bengals. It's obvious the Benglas still aren't quite used to this whole "being successful" thing. I mean, seriously: no Green, no Walker, no defense... how does this even count as a league game? The reaction to the fan running on the field and taking the ball out of Favre's hands had to have been total shock -- how else do you explain that he's still alive? You have to pound him down like a piece of veal, am I right? Didn't Favre do something like that a couple of years ago?
Two bright spots for the Vikings: 1) Daunte doesn't have to suffer anymore; 2) Frankly, the way he'd been playing, Brad Johnson's an upgrade at this point.
This will not reflect well on the Browns.
Me, September 8: "This year I'm telling you that Joey Harrington will be just fine." Clearly, I deserve to be taken seriously. Although he could have gone out there and done that. I think the Bears just clinched the NFC North.
On the other hand, I'm riding this "I can't believe how everyone fell for the Cardinals" wave into the ground. "Experts." Pssssshhhhhh.
Hey, it's the Rams' B-teamers again. Furrey's the guy who took the ball away from Ernie Conwell last week, right? Stephen Jackson is just carving up the Jags' defense here, and it's a good thing he is, because I don't know if anyone else who's left can. MATT JONES! WHO! All right, that's the first and last time I'll do that. You know who's been ruling for the Jaguars is Ernest Wilford. Why do all their receivers wear numbers in the teens again? And are they about to pull off another comeback? Never mind.
This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. The Browns; 2. The Redskins; 3. The Eagles; 4. The Buccaneers; 5. The Lions.
The best way to break this down, I think, is like so: The first 25 minutes were the Eagles-Chiefs game. The second 20 minutes were the fourth quarter of every Broncos game this year. And the last 15 were every time Plummer's led a comeback against the Eagles. Nice leaping one-handed grab by Alexander. And did T.O. actually not celebrate after faking Champ out of his jock? Let me just say that Donovan's not playing on the defense that gave up 49 points.
If this continues, Ken Dorsey and Craig Krenzel are gonna end up teammates. Cadillac's clearly not fully recovered and it shows, and it's not doing Simms any favors. Did that pass hit the official in the head? Someone tell the 49ers that where all the red paint is... that's the end zone, and the object of the game is to get the ball in it. Pickett coming off the field after the tackle on the punt return and switching helmets was tremendous. Did... did that just happen? It's official, folks: the NFC blows.
That "Tomlinson has more touchdown passes than any New York Jet" stat says a lot about a lot of things.
Of course Tedy's been on the field almost every play -- the Patriots' defense can't get off the field. I still love how announcers bring up Holcomb's past big passing performances and leave out the fact that he lost. Normally I'd say the Bills' inability to get touchdowns is going to cost them in the end, but the Pats' offense doesn't look like it's here yet. You know who's still good is Eric Moulds. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Hey, a Corey Dillon sighting! This may sound strange, but this is the best thing the Colts could have hoped for -- all the Bruschi hoopla's out of the way, and they won't be facing the Pats coming off a home loss. It is, after all, the Biggest Game Ever.
No Ray and no Reed? This could get ugly in the bad way in a hurry. Ben can punt? Who knew? And points to Al Michaels for off-handedly suggesting it when he said that the Steelers could do a quick kick from that formation. Insult to injury right there. Ward's leap-take the hit-bobble-take the second hit-catch-and-point is Play of the Week and it's really not close. The only reason this game is stil competitive is because of the rivalry factor -- remember that these two teams do not like each other. CLANG! That'll cost 'em. See? Jeff Reed knows how it's done.
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (4-4, L1): Up against Tiki and Antonio Gates, and with Brunell and Cooley posting negative numbers, and Harrison and Wayne on their bye week... well, you can guess this result. 102-43. Wade looms in the near distance.
JackSux (7-1, L1): Lost to Johnny 97-80 on the shoulders of an unrelated Barber (Marion) and me getting nothing from Brunell.
RANKINGS:
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (7-0) - A win next week and it's probably over
2. Denver (6-2) - Eight games down, eight to go
3 (tie) Pittsburgh (5-2) - Steelers win a close one when it counts
(tie) Cincinnati (6-2) - Lucky and good
BOTTOM 3:
30. Houston (1-6) - Make no mistake, there's still problems here
31. Cleveland (2-5) - Because really, they lost to the Texans
32. Green Bay (1-6) - You know it's bad when even fans are forcing turnovers
RIP Mr. Mara. Hey, between putting up 52 points last week and this, the Redskins are screwed, right? Yeah, that's what I thought.
This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Packers-Bengals. It's obvious the Benglas still aren't quite used to this whole "being successful" thing. I mean, seriously: no Green, no Walker, no defense... how does this even count as a league game? The reaction to the fan running on the field and taking the ball out of Favre's hands had to have been total shock -- how else do you explain that he's still alive? You have to pound him down like a piece of veal, am I right? Didn't Favre do something like that a couple of years ago?
Two bright spots for the Vikings: 1) Daunte doesn't have to suffer anymore; 2) Frankly, the way he'd been playing, Brad Johnson's an upgrade at this point.
This will not reflect well on the Browns.
Me, September 8: "This year I'm telling you that Joey Harrington will be just fine." Clearly, I deserve to be taken seriously. Although he could have gone out there and done that. I think the Bears just clinched the NFC North.
On the other hand, I'm riding this "I can't believe how everyone fell for the Cardinals" wave into the ground. "Experts." Pssssshhhhhh.
Hey, it's the Rams' B-teamers again. Furrey's the guy who took the ball away from Ernie Conwell last week, right? Stephen Jackson is just carving up the Jags' defense here, and it's a good thing he is, because I don't know if anyone else who's left can. MATT JONES! WHO! All right, that's the first and last time I'll do that. You know who's been ruling for the Jaguars is Ernest Wilford. Why do all their receivers wear numbers in the teens again? And are they about to pull off another comeback? Never mind.
This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. The Browns; 2. The Redskins; 3. The Eagles; 4. The Buccaneers; 5. The Lions.
The best way to break this down, I think, is like so: The first 25 minutes were the Eagles-Chiefs game. The second 20 minutes were the fourth quarter of every Broncos game this year. And the last 15 were every time Plummer's led a comeback against the Eagles. Nice leaping one-handed grab by Alexander. And did T.O. actually not celebrate after faking Champ out of his jock? Let me just say that Donovan's not playing on the defense that gave up 49 points.
If this continues, Ken Dorsey and Craig Krenzel are gonna end up teammates. Cadillac's clearly not fully recovered and it shows, and it's not doing Simms any favors. Did that pass hit the official in the head? Someone tell the 49ers that where all the red paint is... that's the end zone, and the object of the game is to get the ball in it. Pickett coming off the field after the tackle on the punt return and switching helmets was tremendous. Did... did that just happen? It's official, folks: the NFC blows.
That "Tomlinson has more touchdown passes than any New York Jet" stat says a lot about a lot of things.
Of course Tedy's been on the field almost every play -- the Patriots' defense can't get off the field. I still love how announcers bring up Holcomb's past big passing performances and leave out the fact that he lost. Normally I'd say the Bills' inability to get touchdowns is going to cost them in the end, but the Pats' offense doesn't look like it's here yet. You know who's still good is Eric Moulds. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Hey, a Corey Dillon sighting! This may sound strange, but this is the best thing the Colts could have hoped for -- all the Bruschi hoopla's out of the way, and they won't be facing the Pats coming off a home loss. It is, after all, the Biggest Game Ever.
No Ray and no Reed? This could get ugly in the bad way in a hurry. Ben can punt? Who knew? And points to Al Michaels for off-handedly suggesting it when he said that the Steelers could do a quick kick from that formation. Insult to injury right there. Ward's leap-take the hit-bobble-take the second hit-catch-and-point is Play of the Week and it's really not close. The only reason this game is stil competitive is because of the rivalry factor -- remember that these two teams do not like each other. CLANG! That'll cost 'em. See? Jeff Reed knows how it's done.
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (4-4, L1): Up against Tiki and Antonio Gates, and with Brunell and Cooley posting negative numbers, and Harrison and Wayne on their bye week... well, you can guess this result. 102-43. Wade looms in the near distance.
JackSux (7-1, L1): Lost to Johnny 97-80 on the shoulders of an unrelated Barber (Marion) and me getting nothing from Brunell.
RANKINGS:
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (7-0) - A win next week and it's probably over
2. Denver (6-2) - Eight games down, eight to go
3 (tie) Pittsburgh (5-2) - Steelers win a close one when it counts
(tie) Cincinnati (6-2) - Lucky and good
BOTTOM 3:
30. Houston (1-6) - Make no mistake, there's still problems here
31. Cleveland (2-5) - Because really, they lost to the Texans
32. Green Bay (1-6) - You know it's bad when even fans are forcing turnovers
Friday, October 28, 2005
Like Philadelphia to Memphis... Through Atlanta
The title of this post refers to the flight route my parents took when they went on vacation to Memphis and Nashville a few weeks ago.
But this post has (almost) nothing to do with that.
I was surfing "My Recommendations" on amazon.com earlier and I was astounded at some of the reasons they made some of the recommendations they did.
Astounded in a good way and a bad way.
Recommending Theory of Poker because of Super System being on my wish list is obvious. The Big Bad Voodoo Daddy album because of Swingers makes perfect sense. But -- and I'm sure I'm not the first person to notice this -- some of the connections they make are truly bizarre:
How do you get to a wireless broadband router from Super System II?
How does the Miles Davis classic Kind of Blue lead to a Jet Li movie? (Hero, for the curious.)
The Comedy Bible to The Quick and Dirty Guide to Salsa? (The dance, not the condiment. Although the condiment would probably make even less sense)
And how exactly do you get from Chappelle's Show: Season 2 to Madden 2006? Is it because they both have black men on their covers?
But this one takes the cake: I was recommended a mixer - you know, the kitchen appliance - based on owning Norah Jones's Come Away With Me.
That's a connection that completely eludes me. I think of mixers and I don't think of Norah Jones, I think of cake batter. Cake batter, Norah Jones. Cake batter, Norah Jones. Cake batter... Norah Jones...
...
I suddenly have to go.
But this post has (almost) nothing to do with that.
I was surfing "My Recommendations" on amazon.com earlier and I was astounded at some of the reasons they made some of the recommendations they did.
Astounded in a good way and a bad way.
Recommending Theory of Poker because of Super System being on my wish list is obvious. The Big Bad Voodoo Daddy album because of Swingers makes perfect sense. But -- and I'm sure I'm not the first person to notice this -- some of the connections they make are truly bizarre:
How do you get to a wireless broadband router from Super System II?
How does the Miles Davis classic Kind of Blue lead to a Jet Li movie? (Hero, for the curious.)
The Comedy Bible to The Quick and Dirty Guide to Salsa? (The dance, not the condiment. Although the condiment would probably make even less sense)
And how exactly do you get from Chappelle's Show: Season 2 to Madden 2006? Is it because they both have black men on their covers?
But this one takes the cake: I was recommended a mixer - you know, the kitchen appliance - based on owning Norah Jones's Come Away With Me.
That's a connection that completely eludes me. I think of mixers and I don't think of Norah Jones, I think of cake batter. Cake batter, Norah Jones. Cake batter, Norah Jones. Cake batter... Norah Jones...
...
I suddenly have to go.
Tuesday, October 25, 2005
By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 7: Reasonable Doubt
View Finder: SD @ PHI, DEN @ NYG, DAL @ SEA
Wait! Wait a minute! That's... THAT'S JEFF GARCIA'S MUSIC! This crowd is stunned!
Is anyone left for the Rams? This is the second week in a row that a player's punched an opponent in the junk. This trend needs to stop, right? Afterwards, Saints C LeCharles Bentley wanted Rams DT Damione Lewis to be suspended, saying "Maybe that's how he was raised." And isn't that the perfect metaphor for what actually happened to the Saints in this game. Jamie Martin is 36?
So I'll pass the time before something actually happens here by playing Devil's Advocate: The Chargers' secondary isn't all that. And during the streak of 25 straight passes, 22 of them were completed. You attack the weakness and good things can happen. I have to say I've been quite disappointed in T.O.'s celebrations this year. Did LDT miss the flight? Does Lorenzo Neal actually have more yards than he does? There's been an awful lot of pushing and shoving in this game for teams that never play each other. All right, Andy. First, why are you going for it; and second, why are you going for it by throwing a five-yard overhead to Lamar Gordon? It's BLOCKED! TOUCHDOWN! We believe that's the first time the Eagles have ever done that. I can't tell if it was a fumble or not, and whatever was called on the field was going to hold up because no matter which way you go, you can't convincingly say that it was something other than what the refs said it was. If that makes any sense.
Is this the Penn State game again?
So this Edinger, he does a 180 every time he kicks for... what? Momentum? The Bears actually cut him for Doug Brien, if you can believe that. I don't know about the rest of you, but I was expecting this score to be doubled. On both sides. A few years ago I asked Chris if that season's Vikings were the worst team to ever beat Favre in the Metrodome. I think these guys take the cake.
"Dear Cincinnati Bengals: Just wanted to make sure you didn't forget about us. Sincerely, The Pittsburgh Steelers."
Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Titans-Cardinals.
REVENGE THE TIME IS NOW! Ah, Seattle weather. Is everybody tired all the time because it's so overcast? Is that why the coffee boom happened there? This is one of the most boring games ever and I saw the first half of Chargers-Eagles. I think Alexander's wherever Tomlinson was. Why would you interject yourself into any argument Bill Parcells is having? Oh, wow. That last pass was Testaverde-esque. Didn't this happen three hours ago?
The Giants' fumble recovery on the final kickoff cost Ed his fantasy league game.
Well, that's an inauspicious beginning for the Jets. And it continues. And it doesn't look like it's going to stop any time soon. Good thing the Falcons can run the ball, eh?
FANTASY REPORT
aPA SmackDown! (4-3, W2): LaMont Jordan's three touchdowns and Mark Brunell facing the 49ers adds up to our first winning streak. 97-50 over Gutter Trash.
JackSux (7-0, W7): 100-64 as the Falcons' defense goes to town on the Jets. This is eerily familiar. Poor Johnny lost by .01.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (7-0) - Two weeks to prepare for The Biggest Game Ever
2. Pittsburgh (4-2) - The formula will work until proven otherwise
3. Cincinnati (5-2) - Not yet, boys
BOTTOM 3:
30. Green Bay (1-5) - And now Green's out
31. San Francisco (1-5) - Now Smith's hobbled on top of everything
32. Houston (0-6) - Somebody may need to be mercy killed
Wait! Wait a minute! That's... THAT'S JEFF GARCIA'S MUSIC! This crowd is stunned!
Is anyone left for the Rams? This is the second week in a row that a player's punched an opponent in the junk. This trend needs to stop, right? Afterwards, Saints C LeCharles Bentley wanted Rams DT Damione Lewis to be suspended, saying "Maybe that's how he was raised." And isn't that the perfect metaphor for what actually happened to the Saints in this game. Jamie Martin is 36?
So I'll pass the time before something actually happens here by playing Devil's Advocate: The Chargers' secondary isn't all that. And during the streak of 25 straight passes, 22 of them were completed. You attack the weakness and good things can happen. I have to say I've been quite disappointed in T.O.'s celebrations this year. Did LDT miss the flight? Does Lorenzo Neal actually have more yards than he does? There's been an awful lot of pushing and shoving in this game for teams that never play each other. All right, Andy. First, why are you going for it; and second, why are you going for it by throwing a five-yard overhead to Lamar Gordon? It's BLOCKED! TOUCHDOWN! We believe that's the first time the Eagles have ever done that. I can't tell if it was a fumble or not, and whatever was called on the field was going to hold up because no matter which way you go, you can't convincingly say that it was something other than what the refs said it was. If that makes any sense.
Is this the Penn State game again?
So this Edinger, he does a 180 every time he kicks for... what? Momentum? The Bears actually cut him for Doug Brien, if you can believe that. I don't know about the rest of you, but I was expecting this score to be doubled. On both sides. A few years ago I asked Chris if that season's Vikings were the worst team to ever beat Favre in the Metrodome. I think these guys take the cake.
"Dear Cincinnati Bengals: Just wanted to make sure you didn't forget about us. Sincerely, The Pittsburgh Steelers."
Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Titans-Cardinals.
REVENGE THE TIME IS NOW! Ah, Seattle weather. Is everybody tired all the time because it's so overcast? Is that why the coffee boom happened there? This is one of the most boring games ever and I saw the first half of Chargers-Eagles. I think Alexander's wherever Tomlinson was. Why would you interject yourself into any argument Bill Parcells is having? Oh, wow. That last pass was Testaverde-esque. Didn't this happen three hours ago?
The Giants' fumble recovery on the final kickoff cost Ed his fantasy league game.
Well, that's an inauspicious beginning for the Jets. And it continues. And it doesn't look like it's going to stop any time soon. Good thing the Falcons can run the ball, eh?
FANTASY REPORT
aPA SmackDown! (4-3, W2): LaMont Jordan's three touchdowns and Mark Brunell facing the 49ers adds up to our first winning streak. 97-50 over Gutter Trash.
JackSux (7-0, W7): 100-64 as the Falcons' defense goes to town on the Jets. This is eerily familiar. Poor Johnny lost by .01.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (7-0) - Two weeks to prepare for The Biggest Game Ever
2. Pittsburgh (4-2) - The formula will work until proven otherwise
3. Cincinnati (5-2) - Not yet, boys
BOTTOM 3:
30. Green Bay (1-5) - And now Green's out
31. San Francisco (1-5) - Now Smith's hobbled on top of everything
32. Houston (0-6) - Somebody may need to be mercy killed
Tuesday, October 18, 2005
By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 6: The Dark Side of the Moon
View Finder: JAX @ PIT, NYG @ DAL (end), ATL @ NOSA (very end)
No Ben and no Hines Ward? This can't end well. No Taylor? That's... to be expected, quite frankly. I'm starting to think maybe the Steelers would've been better off with Charlie Batch - Maddox looks like he hasn't seen a football in two years. The Jags haven't been great by any means, but this game is begging to be stolen, and it's gonna happen right... oh, no, it's NOT. Byron overthrew that one. Did Mathis jump that route? Am I a prophet?
Chris Weinke's still alive?
Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Browns-Ravens.
Ricky's BACK. And... is rendered inconsequential? And Brown isn't doing so well either. That'd be the Tampa D we all know and mostly fear. OMG a Chris Simms sighting? Are the Bucs really 5-1?
They gave up 28 points to that offense? Are we absolutely positive the boats returned to shore?
Flipped to the last two minutes of regulation in Giants-Cowboys and saw the turnovers graphic. I appear to have not missed anything particularly scintillating or even watchable. The Giants drafted Brandon Jacobs to be what Ron Dayne never ended up being (and even gave him Dayne's number), but he's so tall and he runs upright and that's what's gonna happen. I still don't know how Thomas didn't get nailed for a safety on that second-down run. I guess Shockey's back. Does anybody want to win this game? Ah, there we go. You know, after watching this, I suddenly feel better about our own chances.
This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Bengals-Titans.
Oh, come on! Everybody holds! That was awful.
Who are you, and what have you done with Jake Plummer? You get the sense that everything is just adding up badly for the Patriots right now. Didn't we see this two weeks ago? Did that guy just hit him in the junk? What's that about? If Brady's going to pull this one out, he'd better get on the stick. Ah, here he comes, with Champ in the locker room to boot. But I'd like their chances better if Dillon was playing. And sure enough. The Bruschi announcement: inspiration or desperation? Discuss.
I think this Tomlinson kid's got a future in this league.
Shaq : 2004 Dolphins :: the Astros : 2005 Texans. Mr. Sunday Night is BACK.
See, this is how this offense is supposed to work. It'd be bad form to fire Martz right at this moment, wouldn't it? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. What kind of name is "Cato June" for a human being? OK, once again I don't know who the Rams' backup QB is. Jamie Martin? That sounds familiar and yet it doesn't. You know what nobody's talking about is the season Edge is having so far. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Hey, there's something we've never seen before.
FANTASY REPORT
aPaFL Smackdown! (3-3, W1): We're back at .500 after a tough 101-89 win over an improved Mercs squad. Brunell continues to pick on bad defenses and put up shockingly good numbers.
JackSux (6-0, W6): Have I mentioned how much I love having Tomlinson on my team? Yahoo really needs to start increasing his projections -- I was projected to lose this game. Instead, I beat the tar out of poor Dupin to the tune of 120.28-52.20.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (6-0) - This was a test, and the Colts passed
2. Denver (5-1) - Plummer plays big in important win
3. San Diego (3-3) - I think they beat the Bengals
BOTTOM 3:
30. Minnesota (1-4) - 67 points, third-fewest in the league (Baltimore, No. 32)
31. San Francisco (1-4) - Alex Smith shoud have made his first start this coming week
32. Houston (0-5) - Thankfully, nobody cares at the moment
No Ben and no Hines Ward? This can't end well. No Taylor? That's... to be expected, quite frankly. I'm starting to think maybe the Steelers would've been better off with Charlie Batch - Maddox looks like he hasn't seen a football in two years. The Jags haven't been great by any means, but this game is begging to be stolen, and it's gonna happen right... oh, no, it's NOT. Byron overthrew that one. Did Mathis jump that route? Am I a prophet?
Chris Weinke's still alive?
Really, Who Gives A Rat's Ass?: Browns-Ravens.
Ricky's BACK. And... is rendered inconsequential? And Brown isn't doing so well either. That'd be the Tampa D we all know and mostly fear. OMG a Chris Simms sighting? Are the Bucs really 5-1?
They gave up 28 points to that offense? Are we absolutely positive the boats returned to shore?
Flipped to the last two minutes of regulation in Giants-Cowboys and saw the turnovers graphic. I appear to have not missed anything particularly scintillating or even watchable. The Giants drafted Brandon Jacobs to be what Ron Dayne never ended up being (and even gave him Dayne's number), but he's so tall and he runs upright and that's what's gonna happen. I still don't know how Thomas didn't get nailed for a safety on that second-down run. I guess Shockey's back. Does anybody want to win this game? Ah, there we go. You know, after watching this, I suddenly feel better about our own chances.
This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Bengals-Titans.
Oh, come on! Everybody holds! That was awful.
Who are you, and what have you done with Jake Plummer? You get the sense that everything is just adding up badly for the Patriots right now. Didn't we see this two weeks ago? Did that guy just hit him in the junk? What's that about? If Brady's going to pull this one out, he'd better get on the stick. Ah, here he comes, with Champ in the locker room to boot. But I'd like their chances better if Dillon was playing. And sure enough. The Bruschi announcement: inspiration or desperation? Discuss.
I think this Tomlinson kid's got a future in this league.
Shaq : 2004 Dolphins :: the Astros : 2005 Texans. Mr. Sunday Night is BACK.
See, this is how this offense is supposed to work. It'd be bad form to fire Martz right at this moment, wouldn't it? PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. What kind of name is "Cato June" for a human being? OK, once again I don't know who the Rams' backup QB is. Jamie Martin? That sounds familiar and yet it doesn't. You know what nobody's talking about is the season Edge is having so far. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Hey, there's something we've never seen before.
FANTASY REPORT
aPaFL Smackdown! (3-3, W1): We're back at .500 after a tough 101-89 win over an improved Mercs squad. Brunell continues to pick on bad defenses and put up shockingly good numbers.
JackSux (6-0, W6): Have I mentioned how much I love having Tomlinson on my team? Yahoo really needs to start increasing his projections -- I was projected to lose this game. Instead, I beat the tar out of poor Dupin to the tune of 120.28-52.20.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (6-0) - This was a test, and the Colts passed
2. Denver (5-1) - Plummer plays big in important win
3. San Diego (3-3) - I think they beat the Bengals
BOTTOM 3:
30. Minnesota (1-4) - 67 points, third-fewest in the league (Baltimore, No. 32)
31. San Francisco (1-4) - Alex Smith shoud have made his first start this coming week
32. Houston (0-5) - Thankfully, nobody cares at the moment
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
By The Pigskin of Our Teeth, Week 5: Raising Hell
View Finder: ATL @ HOU, TB @ NYJ, CHI @ CLE (last 1:00), NE @ ATL, ATL @ HOU (still), PHI @ DAL, ATL @ HOU (yes, STILL)
No Vick? Well, the Falcons are losing, then. This is going predictably as expected, isn't it? Oh, wait, wait a minute, what's this? They're rallying! Who's that guy? The punter? Is that the first time a punter's been iced? (That NEVER WORKS, you know.) Someone made the point that Vick wouldn't have been able to make some of the runs Schaub made because the Patriots would have been expecting it. Holy crap, the kid's gone and tied the game. How do YOU think this is gonna end?
The 3 is a bigger surprise than the 52. Discuss.
Two ejections? Is that a record? The Ravens were getting roasted in the papers after this farce, and rightly so.
This settles it... Vinny's clearly undead. It's a problem for the Bucs that they've already become so dependent on Cadillac that they're struggling so much without him. I'm shocked Ronde didn't get tossed for that -- even though he probably didn't mean to hit the ref, he still took a swing at somebody, and the league frowns upon that. Is Clayton injured or something? The idea at the end of the game is to throw toward either the sidelines or the end zone. That was neither.
In light of recent events, my "You mean Mike Martz doesn't normally not see what his team is doing and half-ass a game plan every week?" joke really isn't all that funny.
Hey, Fox, thanks for switching us to the Browns game *after* they made their comeback. That interception Dilfer threw early -- worst-thrown ball of the year?
The Original Alex Smith is starting against the Colts? This may be a mistake. I know he's gotta play, but to start him against these guys? If I'm a Colts fan, I might be a little worried that they're not really being tested so far.
Am I the only one who thinks Brunell could have run it in himself at the end?
Just copy the first half of last week's Eagles-Chiefs entry and paste it here, except for the "Hey, look, T.O.'s open" parts. The Cowboys threw the ball on three of their first four plays. To my recollection, that's the first time Parcells has ever done that. The difference between this game and last week is the Cowboys are actually playing defense for 60 minutes. I'm physically ill right now. The only thing that would have cheered me up was if Bledsoe had popped Keyshawn in the mouth. I'll say it: this was the Eagles' worst loss under Reid. Technically, someone has to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl, right?
Chad resuscitating the ball~~~
Start the Bus! This really isn't gonna work if the Chargers keep settling for field goals. Forget I said that. And just like that it all goes for naught. You know, you can't keep a great back down. Ouch! Uh-oh... good thing the Steelers were already in field goal range because Maddox was already hurt. That didn't look good at all. This NEVER WORKS. See?
McAllister's done for the year? Is it too early to cross off the Saints?
FANTASY REPORT:
aPA SmackDown! (2-3, L1): This one really shouldn't have been as close as it was -- I was starting Chris Cooley as my second RB, for fuck's sake. Yet I only trailed Dave by seven going into Monday night, and had McCardell found the end zone, I would've won. Alas, I lost 66-60. The Ravens' D is getting dumped; I just don't know for who yet.
JackSux (5-0, W5): Newly signed fill-in Mark Brunell's shockingly good performance vaulted me over Rob, who didn't get a lot of help for an underperforming Peyton.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (5-0) - The last men standing
2. Pittsburgh (3-1) - Though Ben's staus could change things quickly
3. Denver (4-1) - I, for one, am surprised
BOTTOM 3:
30. Baltimore (1-3) - Another trendy pick eating dust
31. San Francisco (1-4) - At least they won't draft first again next year
32. Houston (0-4) - Some questions just don't have answers
No Vick? Well, the Falcons are losing, then. This is going predictably as expected, isn't it? Oh, wait, wait a minute, what's this? They're rallying! Who's that guy? The punter? Is that the first time a punter's been iced? (That NEVER WORKS, you know.) Someone made the point that Vick wouldn't have been able to make some of the runs Schaub made because the Patriots would have been expecting it. Holy crap, the kid's gone and tied the game. How do YOU think this is gonna end?
The 3 is a bigger surprise than the 52. Discuss.
Two ejections? Is that a record? The Ravens were getting roasted in the papers after this farce, and rightly so.
This settles it... Vinny's clearly undead. It's a problem for the Bucs that they've already become so dependent on Cadillac that they're struggling so much without him. I'm shocked Ronde didn't get tossed for that -- even though he probably didn't mean to hit the ref, he still took a swing at somebody, and the league frowns upon that. Is Clayton injured or something? The idea at the end of the game is to throw toward either the sidelines or the end zone. That was neither.
In light of recent events, my "You mean Mike Martz doesn't normally not see what his team is doing and half-ass a game plan every week?" joke really isn't all that funny.
Hey, Fox, thanks for switching us to the Browns game *after* they made their comeback. That interception Dilfer threw early -- worst-thrown ball of the year?
The Original Alex Smith is starting against the Colts? This may be a mistake. I know he's gotta play, but to start him against these guys? If I'm a Colts fan, I might be a little worried that they're not really being tested so far.
Am I the only one who thinks Brunell could have run it in himself at the end?
Just copy the first half of last week's Eagles-Chiefs entry and paste it here, except for the "Hey, look, T.O.'s open" parts. The Cowboys threw the ball on three of their first four plays. To my recollection, that's the first time Parcells has ever done that. The difference between this game and last week is the Cowboys are actually playing defense for 60 minutes. I'm physically ill right now. The only thing that would have cheered me up was if Bledsoe had popped Keyshawn in the mouth. I'll say it: this was the Eagles' worst loss under Reid. Technically, someone has to represent the NFC in the Super Bowl, right?
Chad resuscitating the ball~~~
Start the Bus! This really isn't gonna work if the Chargers keep settling for field goals. Forget I said that. And just like that it all goes for naught. You know, you can't keep a great back down. Ouch! Uh-oh... good thing the Steelers were already in field goal range because Maddox was already hurt. That didn't look good at all. This NEVER WORKS. See?
McAllister's done for the year? Is it too early to cross off the Saints?
FANTASY REPORT:
aPA SmackDown! (2-3, L1): This one really shouldn't have been as close as it was -- I was starting Chris Cooley as my second RB, for fuck's sake. Yet I only trailed Dave by seven going into Monday night, and had McCardell found the end zone, I would've won. Alas, I lost 66-60. The Ravens' D is getting dumped; I just don't know for who yet.
JackSux (5-0, W5): Newly signed fill-in Mark Brunell's shockingly good performance vaulted me over Rob, who didn't get a lot of help for an underperforming Peyton.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis (5-0) - The last men standing
2. Pittsburgh (3-1) - Though Ben's staus could change things quickly
3. Denver (4-1) - I, for one, am surprised
BOTTOM 3:
30. Baltimore (1-3) - Another trendy pick eating dust
31. San Francisco (1-4) - At least they won't draft first again next year
32. Houston (0-4) - Some questions just don't have answers
Tuesday, October 4, 2005
By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Strange Days
View Finder: CHW @ CLE, STL @ NYG, SD @ NE (middle), PHI @ WSH, PHI @ KC
The winner of the inaugural Fred Taylor Memorial "Offense Gets Its Licks Back" Award: Kevin Jones. Hey, a Michael Pittman sighting. Hold everything; the Lions are coming. Touchdown! What? WHAT? Holy Christ, the Lions got jobbed. He was in. That wasn't even close. Before everybody gets all giddy, the Bucs' schedule? Heavily back-loaded.
Vinatieri MISSED? All right, I'm gonna say it: something's gone awry here. It's like the Chargers have a magnet or something on the spot where Harrison would normally be. Tomlinson continues to run wild. When did it change from "Foxboro" to "Foxborough"? When did that happen? I haven't seen Brady look this off since the Miami Monday Night game last year, and we all know how that turned out. Wow. This was just an ass-kicking. Remember when the Pats were shut out in the season opener against the Bills the week after they cut Milloy? This was worse. Marty: "At what point in time are you pushed over the edge because you can't go on replacing good players forever?"
IT LIVES! IT LIVES! THE COLTS' OFFENSE LIVES!!! [/Frankenstein]
I don't remember even the '86 Giants being able to just put up points in bunches like this. See, the tricky thing about the double reverse is, you have to make sure that the ball gets into someebody's hands. What we have here are two teams that are clearly going to struggle stopping people. This kid Eli? I think he's gonna be all right.
Is anyone else wondering why the Seahawks didn't try to get closer?
There've been, like, three AFC late games all season so far. What must it have been like to be Anthony Wright here, to look across the field and actually see a quarterback more overmatched than you?
This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Brooks Bollinger; 2. Charles Rogers; 3. The poor bastard on the Bucs who Jones plowed over; 4. In any way associated with the Packers; 5. The 49ers after the first eight minutes.
Speaking of inauspicious starts, if you ever want to see everything go wrong for a team in the first 20 minutes of a football game, just watch the Eagles here. Hey, look, T.O.'s open. There's no better way to potentially turn a game around than running an interception back for a touchdown. And there's no better way to piss all that momentum away by allowing the ensuing kickoff to be returned for a touchdown. Can we put out an APB on Brian Westbrook? Hey, look, T.O.'s open. Really? The Chiefs have never blown a 17-point halftime lead? That's a long time considering they were an AFL franchise. Hey, look, T.O.'s open. It was absolutely comical how often that happened. Did they forget who he was? Can we put out an APB on Tony Gonzalez? That settles it; Donovan should never be healthy again. Dawkins said "They don't score on us again" and they damn near pulled it off. You're going to think I'm crazy as an Eagles fan for saying this, but this should never have happened.
"...the Georgia Dome fans gasping when they realized who was injured." The Hawks could only dream of such a response. Did Culpepper just get sacked again?
Cowboys, Raiders. Cowboys, Raiders. Lethal injection, the chair. Lethal injection, the chair.
I predict this game will do irreparable damage to U.S./Mexican relations. The Cardinals have never seen a crowd like this. ¡PROTEJA EL BALOMPIÉ! COMPRENDE? It's a statement of something when Neil Rackers is easily the best player on the field. I can't remember a more roundabout way to get to 21 points. I have to question Nolan bringing in The Original Alex Smith at this point in the game. All this talk about a quarterback controversy in Arizona? Stop it. Just stop it.
Well. That's the opposite of what the Packers needed. Again, where the hell is Ahman Green? Did Martin actually catch that? Then Ferguson got the ball taken out of his hands. That's where Ken Lucas ended up? (Not that I cared; I just found it odd.) Foster dragged that guy further than he dragged Simoneau in the NFC title game three years ago. I thought he was the speed back. I guess Good Brett escaped his chains and got out to the field for the second half. We've seen this movie before, haven't we? And look -- there's a conveniently placed "Brett Favre On Monday Night Football" highlights package! Didn't this happen about 29 hours ago? Oh, wait, never mind. Was this the alternate ending of the Eagles-Chiefs game and nobody told us?
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (2-2, W1): The Colts' passing game finally came alive, and new QB Mark Brunell actually didn't suck out loud and I beat Charlie fairly easily. The search for another running back continues in earnest.
JackSux (4-0, W4): This is eerily similar to the tSC league last year. I'm just rolling over people. This week's big performers were the Falcons' defense and Tomlinson, of course. I need a quarterback for next week against Rob since Pennington was my backup, but there aren't any good matchups out there for the available candidates.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis - And there are the rest of the cylinders
2. Philadelphia - That doesn't happen at Arrowhead
3. (tie) San Diego - That doesn't happen at Foxboro(-ugh)
3. (tie) Cincinnati - Now it starts to get tough
BOTTOM 3:
30. San Francisco - One less place to seek asylum
31. Houston - So much for that
32. Green Bay - Is it 1985 again?
The winner of the inaugural Fred Taylor Memorial "Offense Gets Its Licks Back" Award: Kevin Jones. Hey, a Michael Pittman sighting. Hold everything; the Lions are coming. Touchdown! What? WHAT? Holy Christ, the Lions got jobbed. He was in. That wasn't even close. Before everybody gets all giddy, the Bucs' schedule? Heavily back-loaded.
Vinatieri MISSED? All right, I'm gonna say it: something's gone awry here. It's like the Chargers have a magnet or something on the spot where Harrison would normally be. Tomlinson continues to run wild. When did it change from "Foxboro" to "Foxborough"? When did that happen? I haven't seen Brady look this off since the Miami Monday Night game last year, and we all know how that turned out. Wow. This was just an ass-kicking. Remember when the Pats were shut out in the season opener against the Bills the week after they cut Milloy? This was worse. Marty: "At what point in time are you pushed over the edge because you can't go on replacing good players forever?"
IT LIVES! IT LIVES! THE COLTS' OFFENSE LIVES!!! [/Frankenstein]
I don't remember even the '86 Giants being able to just put up points in bunches like this. See, the tricky thing about the double reverse is, you have to make sure that the ball gets into someebody's hands. What we have here are two teams that are clearly going to struggle stopping people. This kid Eli? I think he's gonna be all right.
Is anyone else wondering why the Seahawks didn't try to get closer?
There've been, like, three AFC late games all season so far. What must it have been like to be Anthony Wright here, to look across the field and actually see a quarterback more overmatched than you?
This Week It Sucks To Be: 1. Brooks Bollinger; 2. Charles Rogers; 3. The poor bastard on the Bucs who Jones plowed over; 4. In any way associated with the Packers; 5. The 49ers after the first eight minutes.
Speaking of inauspicious starts, if you ever want to see everything go wrong for a team in the first 20 minutes of a football game, just watch the Eagles here. Hey, look, T.O.'s open. There's no better way to potentially turn a game around than running an interception back for a touchdown. And there's no better way to piss all that momentum away by allowing the ensuing kickoff to be returned for a touchdown. Can we put out an APB on Brian Westbrook? Hey, look, T.O.'s open. Really? The Chiefs have never blown a 17-point halftime lead? That's a long time considering they were an AFL franchise. Hey, look, T.O.'s open. It was absolutely comical how often that happened. Did they forget who he was? Can we put out an APB on Tony Gonzalez? That settles it; Donovan should never be healthy again. Dawkins said "They don't score on us again" and they damn near pulled it off. You're going to think I'm crazy as an Eagles fan for saying this, but this should never have happened.
"...the Georgia Dome fans gasping when they realized who was injured." The Hawks could only dream of such a response. Did Culpepper just get sacked again?
Cowboys, Raiders. Cowboys, Raiders. Lethal injection, the chair. Lethal injection, the chair.
I predict this game will do irreparable damage to U.S./Mexican relations. The Cardinals have never seen a crowd like this. ¡PROTEJA EL BALOMPIÉ! COMPRENDE? It's a statement of something when Neil Rackers is easily the best player on the field. I can't remember a more roundabout way to get to 21 points. I have to question Nolan bringing in The Original Alex Smith at this point in the game. All this talk about a quarterback controversy in Arizona? Stop it. Just stop it.
Well. That's the opposite of what the Packers needed. Again, where the hell is Ahman Green? Did Martin actually catch that? Then Ferguson got the ball taken out of his hands. That's where Ken Lucas ended up? (Not that I cared; I just found it odd.) Foster dragged that guy further than he dragged Simoneau in the NFC title game three years ago. I thought he was the speed back. I guess Good Brett escaped his chains and got out to the field for the second half. We've seen this movie before, haven't we? And look -- there's a conveniently placed "Brett Favre On Monday Night Football" highlights package! Didn't this happen about 29 hours ago? Oh, wait, never mind. Was this the alternate ending of the Eagles-Chiefs game and nobody told us?
FANTASY REPORT
aPa SmackDown! (2-2, W1): The Colts' passing game finally came alive, and new QB Mark Brunell actually didn't suck out loud and I beat Charlie fairly easily. The search for another running back continues in earnest.
JackSux (4-0, W4): This is eerily similar to the tSC league last year. I'm just rolling over people. This week's big performers were the Falcons' defense and Tomlinson, of course. I need a quarterback for next week against Rob since Pennington was my backup, but there aren't any good matchups out there for the available candidates.
RANKINGS
TOP 3:
1. Indianapolis - And there are the rest of the cylinders
2. Philadelphia - That doesn't happen at Arrowhead
3. (tie) San Diego - That doesn't happen at Foxboro(-ugh)
3. (tie) Cincinnati - Now it starts to get tough
BOTTOM 3:
30. San Francisco - One less place to seek asylum
31. Houston - So much for that
32. Green Bay - Is it 1985 again?
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