Sunday, October 30, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 7: Unhappy Returns

This could at least be interesting — you've got some guaranteed Kyler highlights, DeAndre Hopkins is back off suspension, Kliff will do at least a couple of dumb things, and Andy Dalton's probably still good for a laugh or two.

So this is what we're doing. OK. Five minutes of commercials and we come back to two players being carted off. Saints drive ends with an Antonio Hamilton interception in the end zone. BIG run by Benjamin. Murray scrambles and slides at the Saints' 8. That is not a catch — Moore never had possession. Ex-Colt Rodrigo Blankenship makes it 7-6 Saints.

Also, why are you throwing a fade to the smallest guy on the field? Dalton to Hill for a touchdown. 14-6 is already more points than the last two Thursday nights.

Cardinals go for two, don't get it, but there's a flag on the Saints. They try again and give it to Benjamin, and the refs say he scored before he lost the ball. Pick-six for Marco Wilson! There's that Dalton comedy I was referring to earlier. Extra point goes left, which is why he's an ex-Colt. OH MY GOD ANOTHER PICK SIX. This one by Isaiah Simmons. It's like Dalton's been possessed by Jameis.

It's 28-14 Cardinals at halftime. Dalton throws into triple coverage but somehow nobody comes up with it. Saints settle for three. Low snap scuttles first and goal from the 1 for the Cardinals. Slant to Dortsch finds paydirt. Murray's gotta throw the ball away sometimes. Quick drive for the Saints ends with a Juwan Johnson touchdown. 35-24 with 11:14 left. The Saints can't stop Benjamin. Didn't see that coming. He scores and it's 42-24. Al breaks McCaffrey to the 49ers (!!). That's a lot of draft picks for a guy who's had one healthy season in his career. At first glance, the Panthers made out like bandits.

(Cardinals 42, Saints 34)

Signal Finder: DET @ DAL, NYG @ JAX, BAL @ CLE (end), KC @ SF

Saquon puts a MOVE on Cisco to convert a 3rd and 5. Then Slayton catches a 32-yard touchdown over the defender. Jaguars on the move. Their offense is a touchdown better than last season. Speaking of touchdowns, Etienne scores a relatively easy one. They're going for two here? Etienne gets there. Schlereth: "Like I was saying, I love the call!" Jones... fumbles but it won't count because the Jaguars jumped offsides. WE HAVE AN ELEVENER. Jones and Brieda have the two longest plays of this game outside the Slayton touchdown. Field goal is good. Lawrence winds up to throw deep, but the pocket breaks down and he flings it short to Marvin Jones Jr. Etienne FUMBLES and the Giants recover. How many people have gotten hurt in this game? Giants go ahead with a field goal with 35 seconds before halftime. Lawrence dives over the pile for a touchdown. Extra point comes out wobbly and it's no good. High snap plus possible deflection (or at least altered by a Giants player swooping in in front of it.) That interception is why I still don't trust Jones. Fortunately for him, it won't count because of a correct roughing the passer call. Giants go for it on fourth down but the pass is broken up. How is this DPI? That ball wasn't getting caught by anyone on the field. OK, they picked that up but the Jags were still offside. Reverse to Kirk gets a first down. Lawrence sneaks on 4th and a half-yard and I don't think he made it. He didn't! Jags whiff on a tackle and Jones gets 10 more after it before the turf monster strikes again. Barkley makes three guys miss and gets to the 10. Jags get called for pass interference in the end zone, then for having 12 men on the field. Then ENCROACHMENT. The ball's at, like, the one-foot line. This Daniel Jones sneak should get it. They finally signal touchdown. Gano adds another field goal with 1:04 left. Lawrence gets sacked, but there's defensive holding. Then Lawrence throws a pick but ANOTHER Giants penalty negates that. Yeah, I don't know about that one. Now there's a false start. Schlereth: "This is the longest fifty-one seconds of my life." Now it's fourth and 15. Marvin Jones with a 28-yard catch! Tack on 15 for roughing the passer and now we're cooking. The flag stopped the clock, too. Ball's at the Giants' 17. Thought Zay Jones was open for a moment. Lawrence throws it to Kirk at the 1 — but he can't get in! It took four Giants to keep him out of the end zone.


(Giants 23, Jaguars 17)

This Week It Sucks To Be: Mike Evans catches that 999 times out of 1000. That was this game's inflection point. It's like when the Braves walked Kyle Schwarber when he was 0-for the playoffs and Rhys Hoskins parked one three pitches later.


(Panthers 21, Buccaneers 3)

This Week's Game That Shouldn't Have Been This Close: Dak back, and on play 2 he gets sacked. (Sorry. But it was too easy.) The Lions may have learned from last week that you can run on these guys. Badgley hits from 40. Amon-Ra is out with a concussion. Lamb with the catch while double-teamed. Fourth and 2 from the 3 and a half? This should work. They call time out, change their minds, and kick a 22-yarder.


Roughing call on Parsons doubles the yards on this Kennedy catch and puts the Lions in side the Cowboys' 30. Williams first down run is negated by a hold. Badgley hits from 52, then the refs pick up a flag. Dak's clearly rusty as he throws into triple coverage and is lucky to not get picked off. Barry and Emmitt both at the game. Noah Brown gets upended after the catch, fumbles, and the Lions recover at their 3. They're content to get out of their own end zone and that's it. 6-3 Lions at halftime. Goff gets intercepted after throwing deep, but not deep enough. DPI in the end zone kind of looked like the defender was slipping and grabbed Schultz to stay upright. Zeke punches it in. Turpin with a big punt return. Nantz: "What's this No. 9 doing?" Romo: "He's got my speed!" That drive started and ended at the Lions 42. That's a big win for the Lions here. Williams FUMBLES AT THE 2! Cowboys get an even bigger break. Jourdan Lewis picks off Goff but pays for it. Lions killing themselves with turnovers. Nobody wearing 98 should ever be 15 yards downfield in coverage on Lamb. Zeke dives from three yards out but only gets two, though it's still a first down. That time he gets in. Pollard takes off for 25 and that'll really seal it. (Cowboys 24, Lions 6)

We go to Baltimore where we apparently just missed some true craziness. Steratore fills us in: The Browns tries a 55-yarder, but there was a false start. Then they tried a 60-yarder that got partially blocked. The Ravens... don't blow a fourth-quarter lead? This is a turning point. (Ravens 23, Browns 20)


Guys, the Packers are bad. (Commanders 23, Packers 21)


No one did. What would we even have to base it on? He's cutting up the Chargers. (Seahawks 37, Chargers 23)

Philip Dorsett's still in the league? Well, he is a Texan, so. (Raiders 38, Texans 20)

Apparently McCaffrey's going to play? All right then. 49ers jump the route and intercept the pass. JuJu and Fred Warner almost coming to blows in the background. Who is Davis Price? Deebo with a leaping catch at the Chiefs' 10. Touchdown Ray-Ray McCloud, who had to come back to that ball. 10-0 49ers. That's a good formation to hide Kelce in. Pitch to Hardman finds the end zone. Jet sweep to Hardman and this one goes for a 25-yard touchdown. Chiefs lead. Replays show an unblocked Nick Bosa looking bewildered as Hardman races past him. Kittle! Aiyuk! Then Garoppolo gets sacked. Third and 14 pass gets batted down and drives can end just like that in this league. The Chiefs field goal line changes their stances all at once and the 49ers false start, taking them out of field goal range. Moore muffs the punt and the 49ers have it. He misjudged it. 49ers ball at the Chiefs 12. Then Garoppolo throws up an airball that gets intercepted in the end zone.


TWO-RUN HOME RUN BRYCE HARPER!!!! 4-3 PHILLIES IN THE 8TH. JuJu with a back shoulder catch falling backwards. First and goal Chiefs with 39 seconds left. Olsen doesn't like that low block call on McKinnon that took away a touchdown. Butker MISSES from 39?!? Still, Chiefs up 1 at halftime. Touchdown Edwards-Helaire, who did not start this game. Olsen LOVES Kelce. McKinnon for 35 on 3rd and 20! That's a backbreaker.

Touchdown Justin Watson. I know they're only down five after this Gould field goal, but I'm not sure the 49ers offense we saw on that drive is capable of outscoring the Chiefs. MVS gets 57 on 3rd and 11! Three touchdowns for Hardman now. SAFETY.

That's a good kick. JuJu getting the tough yards. He's got another score. Garoppolo sacked and fumbles and that's that.

(Chiefs 44, 49ers 23; Phillies 4, Padres 3)


Tua's back. The Dolphins are celebrating the 50th anniversary of the undefeated 1972 team tonight, which is why the end zones look like that. Dolphins not babying Tua early.

Mostert speeds to the left side for the score. Pickett starting again for the Steelers. They go three and out. Steelers defense is having trouble handling the Dolphins' speed. Field goal is good. Claypool falls down and Justin Bethel intercepts Pickett. Waddle probably didn't have to jump for that. OK, I'm wrong, that was kind of high. Dolphins get three more.


Steelers show some life as Harris puts together some nifty moves on a middle route. They get three, but they moved the ball that time. Cris notes how much faster the Dolphins look. Pickett to Pickens is going to trip up so many announcers. Harris breaking tackles. Pickens with a great twisting catch over the defender for a touchdown. Tua underthrows Hill but Sutton can't corral the interception. Field goal gives the Dolphins a 16-10 halftime lead. Wild graphic that shows that Dolphins ball carriers are more than a full 1 MPH faster than last year. They go for it on 4th and 2 and that never had a chance.

Steelers drop another interception. Oof, Dolphins safety Brandon Jones being helped off by two people. I don't like the Dolphins sending all their fast guys on middle routes. Send them wide or even down the seam. These corners can be had. Steelers on the move late. Intercepted! Not sure if that throw was forced or telegraphed.

Then Tua almost gives it back. Now the Steelers will get the ball back with two minutes left. Freiermuth converts 4th and 4. Johnson jukes Xavien Howard (who's had him in prison all night) for another first down and gets out of bounds. Holy HELL this interception! Did he get both feet down? He DID.

Pickett started to run and he probably should have kept running. That's pick number two tonight for Igbinoghene. (Yes, I had to look that up.) (Dolphins 16, Steelers 10)

We're Manningcasting tonight. It's... misty. Hope y'all bet the under. What, exactly, does Mac Jones do better than what we've seen Bailey Zappe do? Bill Burr and Vince Vaughn among the guests. But first, Obama! The Bears kick a field goal to open the scoring. Peyton asks Obama if he or Eli was the better White House guest. "There was some silverware missing. But we couldn't trace it directly back to you." Obama jokingly admits he invited the '85 Bears because it was hard having to meet with the Packers. Fields on a keeper! Touchdown!


Mac slides and picks up a first down on 3rd and 5. Intercepted by Brisker!

Late throw by Fields almost gets picked off, then he takes a needless sack. The Bears don't have a single pass catcher who can make a play on a contested ball. Zappe in after the punt. Is it over already? And the Patriots score in three plays. Yeah, it's over.

Eli's tablet! Man, Meyers was wide open. Now Fields gets intercepted off a tipped ball. To illustrate my earlier point, Devante Parker makes a leaping catch between two defenders on the sideline at the Bears' 8. Stevenson walks into the end zone. So much for the under.

Is Khalil Herbert better than David Montgomery? Quarterback sweep! Herbert with a rare catch for a touchdown. Another big run from Fields. This is the only offense they have. Then Fields loses 15 yards on a fumble.

Peyton asks for another quarterback run here on second down and gets it. The Bears salvage another field goal to lead 20-14 at halftime. Patriots fan Bill Burr joins the show after the Bears add another field goal. "Can I handle talking to two Manning brothers?" "Can they stop showing sad Mac Jones on the sideline? We get it." Fields overthrows Mooney on a deep ball to the end zone. That's good from 50. 26-14 Bears. Burr says the Tuck Rule was called correctly even though the rule stinks, then he calls it payback for a game in the '70s where the Patriots got called on a roughing the passer that ended up leading to a Raiders win. They pull up the footage! Montgomery breaks a tackle and gets to the Pats' 6. Vaughn's on after some technical difficulties. He says keep running it. And they do, and it's a touchdown for Montgomery. The Bears have had their way with the Patriots' defense tonight, something I did not see coming. Eli razzes Peyton by bringing up that Vaughn was at the Colts' loss to the Eagles in 2010 and asks Vaughn what he said before the game. Zappe gets intercepted and a Bears player gets thrown out of the game for a blindside block. Whoa.

Vaughn wants the Patriots to put Jones back in. Zappe throws another pick.

That's why you wait 24 hours. You gotta sleep on a decision that big. (Bears 33, Patriots 14)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (6-0) — I feel like I wanted this bye later
3. Buffalo (5-1) — Even machines need tuning
2. Kansas City (5-2) — Reshaping things on the fly
4. Dallas (5-2) — Dak's back. Now what?

BOTTOM 4:
29. Denver (3-4) — Hired the wrong coach
30. Detroit (1-5) — Threw away a bunch of chances
31. Carolina (2-5) — Any given Sunday, and all that
32. Houston (1-4-1) — Just seem directionless

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