Friday, October 7, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 4: Home To Roost

I'm not sure why Tua's playing tonight when he got a concussion five days ago that's still being investigated. But it's not like the Dolphins have been making good wide-ranging organizational decisions lately. (At least the NFL is still looking into Tua's concussion that the Dolphins insist wasn't.) I don't think I like these all-white Bengals unis as much as everyone else does. Is the coach allowed to go that far down the sideline? Mixon bulls his way into the end zone on 3rd and short from the 5. Tua's playing, and that completion to Waddle has the Dolphins inside the Bengals' 30.

Edmonds can't haul in the third-down pass. Highlights of LSU-Alabama in 2019, which Burrow won, 46-41. Underthrown into double coverage? Yeah, that deserved to get picked off, Tua.

That is also a penalty, and that'll set up another Sanders field goal.

Tua's down again. Oh shit, the stretcher. Lot of things coming home to roost right now. That thing with his fingers (called a "fencing reaction") is a common neurological response to head trauma, we are told. He's wheeled off. Teddy Bridgewater's their backup.

Field goal is well short. Burrow lofts one to Higgins over Xavien Howard and that's a touchdown. Touchdown Edmonds but the extra point his the upright. Sanders having a rough night. 14-12 Bengals at halftime but it doesn't feel like it matters.


What the hell, Burrow? That leads to a field goal and the Dolphins lead. Mixon on third and goal and this time he's stopped.

Only now, as the fourth quarter begins, do the announcers actually address what happened to Tua on Sunday.

McPherson hits from 57. 20-15 Bengals with 6:14 left.

Von Bell intercepts Bridgewater at the 9 and returns it into Dolphins territory. Bengals' O-line can't even run block now. Touchdown to Hayden Hurst. Why did I think this game was closer than it was?


(Bengals 27, Dolphins 15)

We're back in England! And Andy Dalton's gotten the call for a hurting Winston. This would have been the best game on Fox's slate today. They can't be happy seeing this. Lutz from 60. GOOD! We're tied! Saints are driving again. Olave's out of bounds here. Now Lutz is gonna try from 61 to tie. CLANG! BONK! OUT! Another double doink! (Vikings 28, Saints 25)

Signal Finder: JAX @ PHI, BUF @ BAL (end), NYJ @ PIT (end), AZ @ CAR, NE @ GB

This weather's terrible. Doug gets a standing ovation. Josiah Scott subbing for Maddox as the nickel corner. Well, that's suboptimal. Hurts threw it late, the second man came in and deflected it, and the Jaguars ran it all the way back. Also, Mailata got hurt trying to make a tackle. The entire defense got crossed up on that Agnew touchdown. It's already 14-0 Jaguars.


Eagles go for it but Hurts gets pressured and can't find a receiver. Jaguars on the move again. The Eagles aren't fooled by a misdirection on third down. Jags pass on a 52-yard field goal try, but Lawrence just drops the ball. New dad A.J. Brown with a quick catch. Touchdown is taken off the board by an OPI flag.

Hurts keeps it and gets to the 3. He keeps it on fourth down and... scores? The ball comes out, but the refs signal touchdown. Sanders with a couple of good runs. Quick sneak keeps the drive going. TREY SERMON? I forgot he was on the team. Touchdown Sanders! Did Lawrence fumble again? He did! Eagles recover! Replay shows Lawrence just dropped the snap. Sanders gets stopped at the Jaguars' 12, leaving 4th and 1. They go for it again, and a Hurts sneak gets it. Gainwell can't handle a swing pass, then runs in for an easy touchdown. Elliott misses the PAT, which Feely figures has been part of Sirianni's decisions to go for it earlier. Not a smart holding call. Bradberry with a CLUTCH interception. Smith back out for the Eagles after being shaken up. Sanders to midfield! This is his best game in a long time. Eagles start to run the clock down to the end of the third quarter but then call time out, because Elliott must have said he wanted to kick it in this direction. (His PAT miss was at the other end.)

It's good, but he gets roughed and that's 15 yards. Uh-oh. He might be legit hurt. Goedert drops a possible touchdown. Elliott back out and he hits from 28. Strip sack by Reddick! Eagles ball!

Now Seumalo's down. Touchdown Sanders! It's the '14 opener all over again. Eagles go for two but don't get it. Kirk with his FIRST catch today. And his second is a 45-yard catch that gets the Jags in first and goal. Agnew cashes in, making Josiah Scott whiff in the process. They kick it to make it 29-21. Hurts finds Goedert in space for 22. Sirianni always seems to be mad about something. The rain seems to have stopped. Hurts run comes up short at the two-minute warning. Gotta kick it, right? They DON'T, and Brown can't hold on. FUMBLE! Hargrave recovers after Reddick forces the fumble on a rush. The Jaguars could win that sorry division. Don't sleep. (Eagles 29, Jaguars 21)


The clock ran out that quickly? Huh. And Pickett's first pass is intercepted. PROTECT the FOOTBALL. (That was for the Jets, because of course it was.) Pickett scores on a sneak. This Steelers team isn't good but the Jets are still really bad. This game shouldn't be close, and yet. Breece Hall heads to the goal line but the ball comes out. The Jets recover, but Adam Archuleta thinks it broke the plane. The booth has to look at this, right? They did! Touchdown Jets! Pickett finds Pickens and he gets to midfield. The Steelers call their last time out with eight seconds left. Hail Mary is intercepted in the end zone. Jets... win? (Jets 24, Steelers 20)


So this is a shitshow.

(Giants 20, Bears 12)

I hate that decision. HATE it. If you score, it changes the way the Bills play this next drive. And if you don't, what? You play to go to OT? Really? Come on. First down Bills and the Ravens burn their last time out. The Bills don't have to do anything at this point. They take two knees and the field goal unit comes out. Marcus Peters is furious on the Ravens sideline. Eagle notes that on that Singletary run, there were a few Ravens who seemed to be content with letting him score and a few who weren't. Bass hits it, completing the Ravens' gag. (Bills 23, Ravens 20)


THIS is a Scorigami? Wow. (Seahawks 48, Lions 45)


So there's that. Brian Burns detonates this Cardinals fourth-down play. Pick-six for Frankie Luvu and the Cardinals are down early again. Bad snap kills this Cardinals drive. Higgins fumbles and the Cardinals get it. Panthers jump offside on the field goal attempt, and the Cardinals make the shorter kick. Interception! Jalen Thompson gets it off of D.J. Moore's hand. But the Cardinals can't capitalize and they punt it back with 23 seconds left. The Panthers ALSO have all of their time outs. They get set up for a 54-yard try. GOOD. 10-3 Panthers at halftime. Ertz scores after the Cardinals get a long pass interference penalty. Cardinals getting stupid here.

It finally ends with a field goal. Now Eno Benjamin, who returns kicks for the Cardinals, is kicking off because Prater's been fighting a hip issue all week. Another tip drill pick. Mayfield ends up knocking him out of bounds at the Panthers' 5. Murray scores on a bootleg. 20-10 Cardinals as "Gangster's Paradise" takes us to commercial. Mayfield gets ANOTHER pass knocked down at the line, this time on 4th and 1. (Cardinals 26, Panthers 16)

Hoyer starting for the Patriots. Doubs gets stripped and the Patriots recover at midfield. Aaron Jones breaks off a run and I think someone got his face mask, too. Yep. Wait. Bailey Zappe is in for the Patriots? Romo pointing out that the rookie third-stringer never lined up under center in college. Hoyer got hit in the head on a sack, Tracy says. That's good punt coverage. Well, except for the horse-collar. Hoyer's out, so this is now Zappe's game. Reverse to Christian Watson finds pay dirt. Zappe gets hit and fumbles... and the Packers end up with it. Pick-six by Jack Jones! That literally doesn't happen to Rodgers. I'm not sure Belichick believes that just happened. Why is he wearing a Croatia jacket? 10-7 Pats. Jones picks up 4th and 1 on a toss play, which usually doesn't work. Rodgers with a laser to Tonyan for a touchdown. Patriots get away with an uncalled Delay of game and Devante Parker gets open for a touchdown. Who had Bailey Zappe as the first rookie QB with a touchdown pass? Silence, liars. Packers tie it with a field goal at the end of the third. Harris gets rocked at the goal line but scores anyway. Patriots with no answer for the Packers on this drive and Rodgers finds Doubs for a touchdown to tie it at 24. Patriots go nowhere on their next drive. Doubs with a diving catch in the end zone — but they wave it off!


Is it, though? Seriously, did the ball actually come out? Packers have to challenge this, right? Belichick is pissed about something, for some reason. There's the challenge flag. Can we get a shot from the other side, please? One time? Call STANDS. Packers punt and pin the Patriots at their own 2. Feels like overtime. Yep.

Inauspicious resumption for both teams. Lazard! Packers taking their sweet time.

They've set it up for Crosby. It's GOOD.

(Packers 27, Patriots 24, OT)

This game remains in Tampa despite everything.


The Buccaneers fumble the kickoff and the Chiefs are already in business. Touchdown to Kelce two plays later. Tough run by Fournette. Field goal is good. Love JuJu on the Chiefs. He's a chain-mover, which they haven't really had on the outside. Fumble? No, they rule it incomplete. Did they wildcat handoff to McKinnon on that Edwards-Helaire touchdown? They did!

This Buccaneers offense isn't good right now. The Chiefs', on the other hand... Mahomes pass goes through two guys' hands and falls incomplete. Oh COME ON, Mahomes. Was he really not across the line of scrimmage? That's wild. 21-3 Chiefs.

Brady turning it up. Touchdown Evans, and he takes a hit on the back end. The next drive ends when Edwards-Helaire drops a pass on fourth and 1. Corner blitz gets there and Brady fumbles! Chiefs ball! Direct snap to the backup tight end Grey for a touchdown.


Brady running the two-minute drill as he does. Cook saves a touchdown by getting his hands on that pass to Brate. Fade to Evans works for a score. Pacheco returns the kickoff to the 40 and got tripped up or he might have scored. No Hail Mary as Mahomes is sacked. 28-17 Chiefs at halftime. Roval next week! Mahomes finds rookie Skyy Moore on 3rd and 5. Touchdown Fortson! They had a tight end on a cornerback. Cris: "I don't know what to do with this." Brate's out with a concussion after having come back in after colliding with Godwin near the end of the first half.

Thornhill gets flagged for hitting Evans late in the end zone. Bucs score.

Kelce caught that? I'm sure that bounced. Seriously? Field goal makes it 41-24. Mahomes gambles and Murphy-Bunting makes him pay with an interception. Buccaneers score with a pass to Fournette. They don't go for two because why would they?

Chiefs in four-minute mode and Pacheco finishes it off. (Chiefs 41, Buccaneers 31)

Ebukam STORMS in and takes down Stafford. Rams salvage a field goal. Some injured 49ers up in the box. 49ers keeping things methodical early. Jeff Wilson blasts his way up through the hole for a touchdown. Hurts is on with the Mannings and they're showing a TikTok of him making a cheesesteak. Eli: "Jalen, I apologize for all the three-and-outs." "You ever run a quarterback sneak on second and 3?" Peyton: "I'm sure he has. I know I haven't." The Rams get the 49ers to jump. Stafford looks for Kupp but the pass is low. Field goal makes it 7-6. Deebo takes a five-yard pass for a 57-yard touchdown after his defender whiffs on the ball. Then he makes thre other guys miss, including Ramsey, who was trapped in no man's land.


The 49ers have been bringing pressure all night so far. Screen to Kupp gets the Rams into first and goal. Then they throw three straight passes, none of which were to an open receiver. Good job, guys. But their defense holds at the other end and keep the 49ers out of the end zone. They got that review on the Kittle play right — he was out of bounds. Field goal is good.


Gould MISSES from 42! Not sure which head coach has called the worse game tonight. Intercepted! Touchdown 49ers and that feels like the end, because Shanahan always beats McVay. Let's check in on the Phillies. Back-to-back solo home runs? Sweet. Now if the bad Diamondbacks could hold a lead. Jon Hamm's on with the Mannings. Eli didn't know the "Fletch" movies were based on a book series. To be fair, neither did I until recently. Game's already over? That was QUICK. It's just now 11 o'clock. Phillies win! The drought is over! (49ers 24, Rams 9; Phillies 3, Astros 0; Brewers 7, Diamondbacks 6)

RANKINGS:

TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (4-0) — The ceiling feels a long way off still
2. Kansas City (3-1) — The more things change...
3. Buffalo (3-1) — Even with the injuries, very few weaknesses
4. Dallas (3-1) — Manufacturing defense and drama

BOTTOM 4:

29. Indianapolis (1-2-1) — I mean, they couldn't beat the Texans
30. Washington (1-3) — Well, the offense hasn't gotten any better
31. Carolina (1-3) — Matt Rhule likely to have his pick of downtrodden college programs
32. Houston (0-3-1) — This is about what we expected, right?

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