Thursday, October 20, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 5: Sack Off

So both starting running backs are out, which also means we have Philip Lindsay returning to Denver, as well as more Nyhiem Hines. Or not.

I mean, you shouldn't have expected a lot of offense tonight before that happened. Colts have punted three times already and we're still in the first quarter.

McManus makes it 6-0 Broncos. Ryan tries to force a throw and it's predictably intercepted.



Ryan gets sacked and fumbles, losing 18 yards and almost killing this two-minute drill. Another sack ends any chance of scoring here. Or does it? They get back in position for a 52-yarder, which is good. I've been 20 percent paying attention to this game but it sounds like Bernhard Raimann is having a Winston Justice prime time moment. For some reason the Broncos have two receivers going up for the ball at the same time, surrounded by three defenders. Fortunately, Sutton comes down with it. Field goal is BLOCKED. Ryan gets picked AGAIN by the same guy! Kenny Moore saves a touchdown by knocking the ball out of Beck's hands. Wilson overthrows Jeudy, forcing another field goal try. It's good and it's 9-6. (Yeah, the Colts kicked another field goal at some point before this.) Now Wilson throws an interception where I'm not sure he was even paying attention to where he was throwing it.

Apparently they checked him out for a blow to the head and cleared him? Fine, fine. Stephon Gilmore's a Colt? He just picked off Wilson in the end zone.

Well, nobody's getting to double digits tonight. Now Ryan FUMBLES but the Colts recover. Two minutes left, thankfully. The refs had the wrong down? Grand.

Somehow the Colts are in field goal range. Deon Jackson SZN? Ryan spiked it with 13 seconds left. DELAY OF GAME? McLaughlin on to tie it and he does.



Colts "win" the toss. McLaughlin hits from 48 and it's 12-9. Broncos take over. Wilson finally connects with Jeudy. Gordon gets upended or he would have scores. Fourth and 1 from the 5. Why are they in shotgun? Pass is broken up! That's a terrible play call.

Commanders-Bears next week. Richard Sherman is furious. "I wish I had Marshawn up here! RUN THE BALL!!!" (Colts 12, Broncos 9, OT)

I'm sorry, WHAT? What the hell happened here? Oh, Saquon happened. And the Packers' defense melted down as it has way too many times. Then Rodgers is throwing passes off dudes' helmets and it's just a problem. (Giants 27, Packers 22)

Signal Finder: PIT @ BUF, ATL @ TB, LAC @ CLE (end), TEN @ WSH (end), PHI @ AZ

Steelers flatten the kickoff returner at the Bills 2. NINETY-EIGHT YARDS FOR GABRIEL DAVIS! Then the Bills recover a fumbled kickoff return. This turned disastrous for the Steelers very, very quickly. Bills facing a 3rd and 20. If they pick this up, this game might be over. Nope. Field goal is BLOCKED! Oh, so this is just gonna be a stupid game, then.


Pickett comes out for his first career start. He's 4-for-4 on this drive. Johnson makes a sweet one-handed grab, but the officials correctly reverse the call, as his right foot landed out of bounds. Meanwhile, Von Miller is down. Boswell makes a 29-yarder with the highest difficulty rating you'll ever see. The rookie Khalil Shakir with a tough catch in traffic. Allen scrambles for 20. Bass makes this one. 10-3 Bills. Pickett throws across his body like some noob and it almost both gets caught and intercepted. Punt pins the Bills at the 1. The ex-Bill Levi Wallace intercepts Allen in the Steelers' end zone. The subsequent punt is also nearly blocked. MY GOD. Davis pulls another deep ball out of Fitzpatrick's hands for another touchdown! That one went for 62. Another three and out for the Steelers, then the Bills score again on a Diggs catch. Again, Johnson can't stay inbounds. Boswell MISSES. This is over, right? Touchdown Shakir and this is a rout after all. Romo correctly points out that these are the backups (no Isaiah McKenzie, no Dawson Knox.) Kaiir Elam intercepts Pickett, who hadn't actually been playing badly until that throw. They gotta go into the same tunnel at halftime? Rough.

Allen takes a quarterback draw for 35. Shovel pass is fumbled and the Steelers recover in the end zone. Romo: "This is how comebacks start, Jim." Easy now. (Though that probably prevented us from getting switched out, at least for now.) We got a fight on the sideline. Oh, OK. Bills defender hit a sliding Pickett and a Steelers offensive lineman knocked him down. That is NOT a legal hit, ref. They blew that one. Boswell misses to end the third and we're headed to... Cleveland. (Bills 38, Steelers 3)

And now that we're here, the Chargers take a 30-28 lead on a short field goal. Brissett gets trapped in the pocket but somehow escapes and gets to the Chargers' 25. Direct handoff to Njoku gets 12. Brissett throws across his body and you could see that interception coming a mile away. Chargers get to midfield and go for it on 4th and 2 — but they call a pass and Mike Williams can't catch it. First down Cooper. 54-yard try. WIDE RIGHT. (Chargers 30, Browns 28)

Fournette comes up inches short on fourth down. It's like he's playing Alabama again. 20-yard completion to Drake London is wiped out by offensive holding. Speaking of offensive, these two stink.


Brady finds Godwin wide open for 24. They gonna kick this or not? Oh, OK. 10-0 Bucs. Hodge drops what would have been an easy touchdown — they had the screen set up perfectly to beat the safety blitz. Koo misses right on a 52-yarder. Now the Buccaneers are set up for another one? Succop hits form 44 to end the half. Fournette scores finally. 21-0 Buccaneers after 3. Touchdown Avery Williams. OK then. Falcons have beaten the Buccaneers' blitzes pretty consistently today, and that one goes for a score. They're going for two with 4:38 left. They get it! And that's an absolutely horrible roughing the passer call on Grady Jarrett. Seriously. HE SACKED HIM. That's a joke.


That call decided the game. You've gotta be kidding me. (Buccaneers 21, Falcons 15)

The Vikings did whatever they wanted in the first half and now they're down by 1. Cousins SCRAMBLE? What? Then he sneaks it for the go-ahead touchdown. Bears driving. The receiver hesitates... and Dantzler takes it out of his hands! That's a brutal way to lose. (Vikings 29, Bears 22)

Wentz throws up a bizarre floater that gets caught out of bounds by Fulton, who plays for the Titans. Then he throws it short of the goal line into double coverage and it gets picked off. Good Lord. Game over. Wait, what? There's still six seconds left? Did they call Long down when he made the play? They must have. Way to twist the knife. (Titans 21, Commanders 17)

Taysom has four touchdowns.


I'm still not sure either of these teams are actually any good. (Saints 39, Seahawks 32)

Myers references the Phillies sweeping the Cardinals. Jen Hale's up in the stands with a bunch of Eagles fans, who have taken over this place. The Cardinals in black jerseys just looks wrong. Goedert getting some run early. Brown gets close to the marker. Eagles hurry up and go for it and Hurts picks it up on the sneak. Is that a triple-I formation? Hurts gets carried into the end zone by Goedert.


Oh look, the Cardinals are trailing early again. Gardner-Johnson jumps in front of a deep ball and picks off Murray. He's eventually ruled down there but it's still Eagles ball. Hurts slips and comes up short on a third-down bootleg.

Reverse to Rondale Moore does not fool Josh Sweat. Devonta bails Hurts out. Hurts does a nice job of turning upfield. Another quick sneak. And the next one yields six more points. Cardinals not firing on any cylinders right now. Hurts gets picked off on a pass that wouldn't have gotten to Brown. Wait, what? They're saying Thompson didn't have possession. They're... right? It popped out? That's a break. Hurts finally gets caught for a sack after running around for about eight seconds. Tough catch by Hollywood. Then he breaks a tackle, makes two dudes miss, and scores. Kelce down again. They've already lost Dickerson, And Kelce went into the medical tent earlier before coming right back out. And that's why the Ravens got rid of Hollywood — juggled and dropped an easy one. Fake punt! It works! I respect it. Conner breaks some tackles and gets a helmet to the stomach for his trouble. Cards call time with 10 seconds left. Fade to Moore is too high. Both teams are without their regular kickers. Chip shot is good and it's 14-10 Eagles at the half. Smith takes a hit from Budda Baker and keeps going. Holding call ends up killing the drive. Cameron Dicker hits from 42.

Moore picks up 3rd and 17, then A.J. Green smartly keeps his feet inbounds on 3rd and 3. Reddick sack ends the drive. Cardinals bring the house and bring down Hurts. The fourth quarter starts with the Cardinals down to one running back (Benjamin). Moore wide open in the middle of the field. Murray takes off for 12.


Touchdown Benjamin. Can't run a screen with no blockers. Eagles doing a very good job of bleeding the clock. We're at two minutes already? Two runs, then Hurts misses Watkins on a risky pass. Dickert comes in and puts the Eagles ahead. Murray misses a wide-open Ertz. He scrambles again and slides. I hate Cardinals games. Wait, he didn't get the first down? Remember, the spot is where the slide starts. So it's 4th and 1.


FOX is showing this guy missing right during warmups. Twenty-two seconds left. Here we go. HE MISSED IT RIGHT! That ending usually goes against the Eagles with this crew.

(Eagles 20, Cardinals 17)


That's not even a good color for them. People are asking if FOX got the Masters rights. Sack-fumble touchdown followed by a blocked punt. Not a good start, Rams! Kupp turns on the afterburners. Pollard runs through the Rams for a 57-yard score.

Stafford's getting beaten up. This isn't healthy. (Cowboys 22, Rams 10)

Both teams need to win. Ronnie Stanley's been gone for almost two years? Bengals are dispatched quickly on their first series. Was that supposed to be a direct snap to Duvernay? He drops it but picks it up and gets 12 anyway. No Bateman for the Ravens? Field goal is good. Wait a minute. Wait a minute! THAT'S JUNGLE BOY'S MUSIC!!!

(The band's name is Baltimora. They were from Italy.) Tirico: "Hey, Bengals. First kickoff return of the year." Wait, how? JPP with a sack.

Touchdown Andrews. Vonn Bell intercepts Lamar on a deep ball. Mike (not Michael) Thomas breaks a tackle and gets 33 on a pass play. Touchdown Hayden Hurst, the ex-Raven.

Field goal ties it at 10, somehow. Lamar overthrew Duvernay, who had them beat. Then on 4th and 2, he overthrows Tyler Wallace, who had no one within 20 yards of him. Cris wonders if he's cursed him. Then Patrick Queen picks off Burrow. And that's a terrible decision by Burrow, because Queen was RIGHT THERE. He's done some legitimately strange bad things this year. Tucker makes a 58-yarder like it's nothing. Bengals finally getting some traction on the ground. They try to runt he Philly Special with Tyler Boyd, but Marcus Peters was not having it. Now the Bengals go for it on fourth and goal but it's incomplete. Why?


Ravens on the move. They get held up at the 5 when Lively gets knocked out of bounds just short of the marker. Harbaugh mad as usual. After some dithering, they kick a field goal. Have they ever run a quarterback sneak with Lamar? Seems like they should. Anyway, it's 16-10.

He's trusting his defense. (And that they'll get the ball back if they let him down.) Chase! Two minutes left. Burrow sneaks it in. McPherson puts the PAT over the right upright. Ravens start drilling. They've got all three time outs, by the way. First one's called with 1:06 left.

Replays of the two big misses by Lamar tonight. The Bengals had 12 men on the field, so the Ravens get their time out back AND four seconds. Lamar runs THROUGH the blitz for 20! Yeah, it's over if they don't fumble. First down exhausts the Bengals' last time out. You know how this goes.


(Ravens 19, Bengals 17)

The Raiders run a not-great play fake on 4th and 1 from their 42 and Adams is somehow wide open for a touchdown.


This week's Chiefs kicker, Matthew Wright, misses from 41.

Adams can't block Frank Clark, nor should he be asked to. Jaylen Watson gets called for DPI on an underthrown jump ball in the end zone. Crowd is furious. Raiders cash in and they're just pushing the Chiefs around right now. The Raiders think about it again at the Chiefs' 36, but change their mind and Carlson hits a 53-yarder. The Chiefs finally convert a third down and Mahomes gets sacked on the next play. McKinnon finally pushes back. Edwards-Helaire makes a half-diving catch but he's ruled down at the 1. Mahomes finds Kelce in the back of the end zone. Chris Jones sacks Carr and forces a fumble, but the Brady thing strikes again. This crowd is ready to riot.



So instead of Chiefs ball, the Raiders get three more points on a Carlson 50-yarder. There's gonna be a fight before this game ends. Matthew Wright hits from 59 to end the half! And Chiefs fans are still pissed (and they should be.)

Chiefs get the second half kickoff and immediately start cooking. Touchdown Kelce and it's 20-17. Chiefs fans are STILL booing. My God. Raiders in first and 25. Nice work. They've come unglued. Denzel Perryman sacks Mahomes and the crowd boos because they want a flag. Good job, NFL. Good fucking job. Kelce scores his third touchdown of the night and the Chiefs lead. Josh Jacobs breaks off a big run. Carr gets sacked; no flag.

Carlson hits from 47. But that won't stop the Chiefs' offense. Wright misses a field goal but there's a flag. Defensive holding, automatic first down. The Raiders killing themselves with penalties? THAT'S never happened before.

TOUCHDOWN KELCE. That's FOUR.


They go for two but the pass is batted down.


Adams! He beat two guys with a subtle double move and Carr dropped it into his pocket. They go for two and give it to Jacobs — and he doesn't make it! He's been running over the Chiefs all night and they finally stopped him. So it's 30-29. Raiders force a three-and-out! Now the Chiefs punt. Chris Jones is mad again, this time complaining about an uncalled hold.


They're reviewing this Adams catch on the sideline. Jaylen Watson's having a rough night. This may not count... and it won't.

Fourth and 1 from the 47, with 47 seconds left and no time outs. Everyone falls down and there are no flags. (Chiefs 30, Raiders 29)
RANKINGS:

TOP 4:

1. Philadelphia (5-0) — Narrow escape from the desert

2. Kansas City (4-1) — Narrow escape from the plains

3. Buffalo (4-1) — The machine at work

4. Dallas (4-1) — Starting to look legitimate

BOTTOM 4:

29. Detroit (1-4) — And now the offense is kaput

30. Washington (1-4) — We've seen all of this before

31. Houston (1-3-1) — Not pretty, and just barely effective

32. Carolina (1-4) — I don't see this working out

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