Thursday, November 10, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 8: Present Imperfect

Ravens go right to Andrews, who didn't practice all week. And again. This time it's broken up. Disaster for the Bucs on this punt, as the return man is run into by his teammate and the Ravens get the ball at the Buccaneers' 6. Bucs blow up a quarterback keeper. Tucker field goal is good. Brady to Godwin for 44 after no one covers the outside. Brady throws too far for Evans, but Marcus Peters gets called for holding. (Don't be shocked if those two get into a scrap tonight.) Fournette scores from the 1. Brady overthrows Evans in the back of the end zone again.

The Ravens' defense holds (!) and the Bucs are forced to kick. Jebus, Shaq Barrett had a clean run at Lamar because the offensive line was clearly anticipating another play. Lot of flags in this game. Intentional grounding leaves the Ravens with 3rd and 36. And now Andrews is headed to the locker room. Footage of Tyler Linderbaum wrestling Tristan Wirfs in high school. Then they both went to Iowa and now they're on opposite sides again. Ravens have 4th and 2 from the Tampa 10. You think a pass is coming here? They're in shotgun. Pass is broken up in the end zone. They're really pushing next week's game like the Texans are any good. Halftime! And the stream completely drops. Lot of Duvernay on this first Ravens drive of the second half. Drake takes the pass to the corner for a touchdown. Bucs do nothing. Brady's annoyed on the sideline. More Duvernay on the Ravens' next drive.

Lamar finds Isaiah Lively in the back of the end zone for a touchdown. That's how it's done. Evans! He pulled that away from Humphrey. What happened on Sunday, dude? Duvernay's been outrunning Bucs defenders all night, and this time it's worth six. Brady sloughs off the field again.

I mean, did he ever? Succop makes it 24-16 with five minutes left. Big run by Drake. Tucker on for another field goal. Al: "This guy is unkiboshable. I think." Harbaugh looks good for 60. Brady's really getting beaten up on this drive. This touchdown won't matter.

Two-point try fails twice after a Ravens penalty. Lamar finds a fan's sign that says "#8 #7 PAY 'EM NOW!" He SIGNS it. Your fave could never. (Ravens 27, Buccaneers 22)

Signal Finder: PIT @ PHI, CHI @ DAL, NE @ NYJ (end), CAR @ ATL (end), NYG @ SEA

Pickett gets plastered on third down.


There's still smoke on the field from the Eagles' entrance. They go for it on 4th and 2 from the Steelers' 44 and Hurts makes a risky flip to Goedert for the first down. That almost didn't work. A.J.!!! Double covered and he went up and got it. Bradberry gets called for holding on a sack. Freiermuth wide open. Pickett scramble. Apparently Brandon Graham got caught trying to simulate the count or something? So the Steelers pull the field goal unit off and they go for it. It's a snap to Claypool, who throws to Derek Watt for a touchdown. (T.J. is not back.)

Hurts has looked slightly off so far. Goedert wide open. Back shoulder throw leads to touchdown no. 2 for A.J. Pickett throws a ball through both Freiermuth's and Epps's hands. That's THREE for A.J.! He was doubled on that one, too. He'll get flagged for taunting but whatever.

Another acrobatic Pickens catch, but this one gets called back for OPI, a call Romo doesn't particularly like. Pickens tries it again but Bradberry knocks it out. Announcers think he caught it and are imploring the Steelers to throw the challenge flag. They don't and Pickett scrambles for nine. They give it to Harris and he gets the first down. Jordan Davis being helped off. Eagles seal the vault and Nick Skiba makes it 21-10. (No Boswell this week, either.) Hurts gets sacked twice on the ensuing drive. Then Hargrave sacks Pickett to end any hopes they had. Eagles get the second-half kickoff. Sanders breaks a run. Touchdown ZACH PASCAL. Romo shouted "Oh my God!" when he came open. And he was OPEN. 28-10. Steelers run a fake punt on 4th and 2 and it works.

Eagles defense finally gets a stop and the Steelers kick. Kickoff goes out of bounds. Brown's drop is followed by a great one-handed catch by Goedert. Kelce's dad and brother in the house. Eagles punt and this gets adventurous. It gets knocked down at the 1, then a Steeler picks it up and gets knocked back into the end zone. Another holding call on Bradberry, who's not having a great game. Hargrave chases down Pickett and forces a fumble! Eagles ball. Brown gets caught from behind at the 10 or that may have been touchdown #4. This is the Eagles' FIRST snap in the end zone, and there won't be a second, as Sanders goes left and gets to the pylon.

Minshew in with eight minutes left. Welp. (They do go to Houston Thursday night.) Kelce's wearing a Batman mask on the sideline. Which one is he?

Nantz and Romo sing his praises, as well as Merrill Reese and Mike Quick, who Nantz calls his favorite local announcing team. Quick's been doing it for 25 years? Wow. Gardner-Johnson with an interception, his third straight game with one. So it's at least four straight days of Philadelphia vs. Houston after this. (Eagles 35, Steelers 13)

DeAndre Swift makes this Lions offense a lot better. Too bad their defense can't stop anyone whatsoever. (Dolphins 31, Lions 27)

Bears are in their crappy orange uniforms again. No one even breathes on Dak and he jogs into the end zone. The Cowboys are doing whatever they want on offense. Dak with a bullet to Lamb for a touchdown. Fields bootleg works again this week. Dak gets 25 on a quarterback sneak when no on e seals the outside. Pollard goes in untouched. Bears try to get too fancy and WR Dante Pettis gets called for an illegal forward pass. Touchdown Ferguson and the Cowboys are just pouring it on. Fields gets hit and Diggs picks off the throw, but he got hit in the head, drawing a roughing penalty. Touchdown N'Keal Harry?!? The Cowboys should be ashamed. Eddie Jackson picks off Dak with 30 seconds before halftime. Cowboys jump offside. The Bears get a field goal (because they can't throw the ball) to make it 28-17 Cowboys at halftime. Bears go three and out. It's been 20 YEARS since Emmitt set the rushing record? He joins Adam Amin and Moose in the booth. This fumble's getting overturned. Fields to Mooney for 36! Touchdown Khalil Herbert. Bears go for two but don't get it. Dak to Schultz twice in a row. Touchdown Pollard and it's 35-23. Parsons picks up a fumble and he'll score.


Fields trying to keep the Bears in this game with a first down run. Donovan Wilson heads off for the Cowboys and Amin says they saw him spitting up blood during the break. Thanks for THAT. Now Jaron Kearse is down. Touchdown Cole Kmet? Sure, fine. Pollard goes for a 54-yard touchdown and this may finally be over. Herbert with a big run. The Bears have rushed for 200 yards in three straight games, but that's not gonna help them score 20 points in 9:35. The Jonas Brothers are playing Cowboys Thanksgiving halftime? I wonder what third-level act Detroit's getting stuck with. (Cowboys 49, Bears 29)

This is on Zach Wilson. (Patriots 22, Jets 17)

TOUCHDOWN D.J. MOORE! He dove for it and caught it! Twelve seconds left! And a perfect throw from P.J. Walker, by the way. But Moore took his helmet off after the score and got penalized, so the PAT is now 48 yards. Missed it left! We're going to overtime. Mariota throws a terrible pick. Piniero misses again!


Mariota runs for 30! Koo on with two minutes left. It's GOOD. Falcons "lead" the NFC South. (Falcons 37, Panthers 34, OT)

If they were playing anyone but the Texans, this could go horribly for Willis. The ironic thing here is that I was deathly afraid the Texans would take him at 3 overall. Just give it to Henry, kid. (Titans 17, Texans 10)

Both Metcalf and Lockett starting for the Seahawks. Direct snap to Walker gets the Seahawks a quick first down. Adoree' Jackson saves a touchdown. The Seahawks hide Lockett in the backfield on fourth and 1, then throw it to him for the first down. Geno scrambles to the 5, which is still a yard short. Seahawks go for it AGAIN and get it on a shovel pass to Dissly. Touchdown Metcalf. Barkley gets tripped up. Now Jackson strips the ball from Lockett on this punt and the Giants have it at the Seahawks' 2. Barkley scores. Leonard Williams finally gets a sack. McKinney comes in on a safety blitz and wrecks Geno. Now the GIANTS fumble a punt return and the Seahawks recover! That's bad. Dude wasn't even hit that hard. Lockett just misses a touchdown. Field goal gets tipped but still goes through, then bounces off the stanchion. Jones gets sacked to end the half. I cannot and do not endorse Laura Okmin's outfit. Slayton with a tough catch over the middle. Seahawks hold the giants to a tying field goal. Lockett drops a touchdown and spits out his mouthpiece in disgust. Field goal breaks the tie. Slayton needs to be the guy in this passing game for the Giants. The Seahawks can't tackle Barkley. Bruce Irvin (!) knocks Jones into Barkley for an eight-yard loss. Gano ties it at 13. Lockett with the tricky sideline catch. Another easy catch for Lockett and this time he makes it. Touchdown. Shelby Harris, who came over in the Wilson trade, chases down Jones from his DT spot and prevents the first down.


Geno and Metcalf can't connect. 6:18 left. The Giants fumble ANOTHER punt return! Seahawks recover! That dude's gotta go. Oh no, is he hurt too?

Walker powers through tacklers and scores. The announcers mentioned it up top, but the biggest reason for the Seahawks' success is they finally got a draft right for the first time in forever, and Walker's been a big part of that. (Seahawks 27, Giants 13)

McCAFFERY PASS?? Touchdown Aiyuk! That has some air under it. McCaffery's backwards spinning touchdown catch puts the Niners up. And there's a McCaffery touchdown RUN. Nobody's done that since Tomlinson in 2005.


The Rams can't beat the 49ers... in the regular season. (49ers 31, Rams 14)

Dateline's Keith Morrison doing the intro. The Packers shouldn't throw the ball tonight. Pcket collapses around Rodgers on 4th and 3 and the third and fourth down drought continues. Singletary breaks off a big run. Packers sniff out the McKenzie end around and it loses five. Allen takes off and it takes two Packers to bring him down at the 1.


Any flea flicker that only gets thrown five yards isn't worth it.

Bills on the move again. Diggs fumbles and there's a vicious scramble for it. It's getting chippy. Bills keep it. Touchdown Diggs, and he gets tackled twice afterwards. I'm gonna go ahead and rescind my "the Packers shouldn't throw the ball tonight" declaration. Because that's no longer going to work. Rodgers looks for Doubs, who has to turn around and makes a great leaping catch for the score! So Quay Walker just got tossed after that altercation. Jet sweep to McKenzie and this one works. 21-7 Bills. I think I'd have to review this Milano play. He may have caught that deflection clean. (The Bills can't challenge because it's inside two minutes.) Rodgers gets sacked. Allen to Diggs for 53! He overthrows Davis on a free play. BIlls add a field goal at halftime. Not a fan of that OPI call on Tonyan. This Bills drive has turned into Allen being forced to run.

The Packers hold the Bills to three, but it's a three-score game again. Packers go for it on 4th and 1 and Jones loses a yard. Allen gets picked off! But Rodgers gets picked off on the NEXT PLAY. Milano got that one. Packers lose James Cook and he gets 41 on a catch-and-run. Jaire Alexander picks off a low Allen throw (that he shouldn't have thrown), then gives the ball to a Packers fan in the end zone seats. And it ends up costing the Bills as Rodgers fires a bomb to Toure! Do the Bills have money on the Packers covering? (Bills 27, Packers 17)

Buck and Aikman broke out the throwback ABC MNF yellow blazers. Peyton's dressed as a ref, while Eli's donned a bad version of the Chad Powers mask. Peyton's wearing Clete Blakeman's referee uniform, which Peyton noted seemed quite small during the Week 1 show. That's tipped — and picked off! It was actually tipped twice, first by Garrett at the line, then by Higgins, who may not have even been the intended receiver.


The return is called back because A.J. Green (not THAT one) was ruled down by contact, but it's Browns ball. York tries a 53-yard field goal. It's BLOCKED. Boyd jumps in front of Green, and Boomer Esiason tells Peyton and Eli that he thinks Green was convinced he had another pick. Garrett fights through three Bengals to get to Burrow. Browns run a wide receiver pass with Amari Cooper — and it's intercepted! Everyone's surprised the Bengals are punting on fourth and 4 here. They show one of Boomer's old Hanes commercials. "I was all about the beefcake, boys." I should mention that we're scoreless with five minutes left in the half. Well, we were. Nick Chubb just changed that. Browns are way too involved in this decision to go for two. It works, but it shouldn't have taken as long as it did. This new Bengals offensive line isn't any better than the old one. McPherson misses from 47, as it just hooks right at the end. That's enough time for the Browns to get York a 55-yarder. It's GOOD and we have an elevener at halftime.

Brissett gets to the left pylon for a touchdown. The Kelces join the show as the Bengals go three and out again. Play action to Cooper, who takes it to the Bengals' 5. Cooper scores on a fade and the extra point makes it 25-0.

The Kelces never actually played together? Jason's three years older and he says Travis apparently had some "eligibility issues." Burrow's been completely out of sync for most of tonight. He's managed to pull it together a little, though, enough to find Boyd in the end zone for a touchdown. Nice catch. McPherson having a rough night.

Brad Paisley takes off his Mandalorian mask. He has a Brian Sipe football in the background on top of an amp. "I think there's a lot of people losing money tonight." Paisley became a Browns fan because of Sipe, which didn't exactly endear him to his family of Steelers fans. Bomb to Cooper! We've seen more of Kareem Hunt than I thought tonight amid rumors he might be traded (the deadline's tomorrow.) Paisley predicts a screen pass. It's a handoff to Chubb up the middle for a touchdown. Ravens-Saints next week. Peyton: "Cooper and Dad are arguing to be a guest." (Browns 32, Bengals 13)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (7-0) — A few hitches
3. Buffalo (6-1) — Not their best effort, really
2. Kansas City (5-2) — Relaxing with barbecue
4. Dallas (6-2) — Gave up 240 on the ground. Is that defense solved?

BOTTOM 4:
 29. Las Vegas (2-5) — Also hired the wrong coach
30. Carolina (2-6) — Truly a catastrophic and unnecessary defeat
31. Detroit (1-6) — We all know what the problem is here
32. Houston (1-5-1) — The road back will be very long

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