Monday, November 21, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: To the Streets

Texans get the ball first and seem to have caught the Eagles off guard. That's an excellent midair catch by... whoever this dude is (Teragan Quitoriano) for an early Texans Touchdown. Quez with a catch for the first time in what feels like a month. Eagles going no-huddle for a bit. They gave Gainwell the first down? OK. Goedert picks up third and 8. Gainwell drags three Texans to the 3 and they start complaining about something. Maybe Kelce's block? I don't know. Sanders gets stopped at the 1 on play #17. Eagles going for it. Sanders finds the hole on the left for an easy touchdown.


Eighteen plays! They usually run that drive in the fourth quarter. Mills tries to scramble for 3rd and 11 but comes up short. A.J. Brown gets tripped up by Simone Biles's fiance. Hurts fumbles on a corner blitz and the Texans recover. But one first down and that's it, as Hargrave ends the drive with a sack. Sanders through a big hole for 25. Good job by Goedert following his blocks on this screen. Touchdown Gainwell.


I refuse to believe Al and Kirk text. Nobody wraps up on this 36-yard run by Pierce. Uh, that's a touchdown. I don't know what they're seeing that it wouldn't be. There we go. We're tied at 14. The Eagles are in field goal range? They've done this a few times this year. Elliott from 54. Nope, wide right. Hurts gets sacked twice to start the third quarter. Late challenge flag comes out after Sanders picks up the first down — and it turns out he didn't, as his knee hit the turf and he was touched. Mills gets pressured into an interception that I'm sure they'll take a look at, as low as the throw was. Oh, that's clean. That's Gardner-Johnson's fourth straight game with a pick. Brown EASILY open for a touchdown two plays later.


Maddox whiffs on a tackle and Chris Moore takes it to midfield. Eagles still can't stop Pierce. They hold on third and 9 and the Texans kick a field goal. Hurts runs away from a lot of trouble to get a first down. Goedert with his seventh catch tonight and it feels like they've all been for first downs. Except that one, which is for a Touchdown. The Texans are offside on the PAT, and the Eagles elect to accept the penalty, which puts the ball at the 1 and they'll go for two now. Hurts keeps it and it's 29-17.


Al and Kirk talk about John Metchie III, the Texans rookie receiver who's getting cancer treatment. This catch is also getting overturned. Why is this taking so long? Hargrave with his fourth sack in two games. Big catch by Dorsett on a blown coverage. DPI on White keeps the drive going. Reddick with a pass breakup? What? Hargrave with ANOTHER sack. Bradberry with a interception that may or may not stand. Illegal shift on the offense. That's a wrap.


Eagles do a long count on 4th and short and sneak for it. Wait, what? Did someone call time out? They do it again and Hurts gets it again. 8-0! (Eagles 29, Texans 17)

Signal Finder: MIN @ WSH, BUF @ NYJ, LV @ JAX (end), LAR @ TB

It's Cousins' first time back in Washington. (where he was under 500 as a starter.) Kristina Pink tells us that Cousins doesn't consider this a revenge game. Maybe the Commanders should. Commanders debuting their new black uniforms at home. T.J. Hockenson with his first Vikings catch. No idea why the Lions traded one of their five good players unless they didn't think he'd re-up. Touchdown Jefferson, his first in a while. That's a good punt. Adam Thielen lives! Feels like he's been quiet this season. Who hasn't been quiet today is this Commanders front, which is a big reason the Vikings haven't really done anything since that opening touchdown. Unfortunately for the Commanders, Heinecke's been off-target a lot. Except that time, when he finds McLaurin on third and 10 to get into field goal range. Slye sneaks it inside the right upright. Thielen with a nice running catch downfield. The Vikings' center is down, which leads to a delay of game two plays later. Cousins throws for Jefferson into the end zone, but it's knocked away — and intercepted! Jefferson was well covered. That wasn't going to work. 7-3 Vikings at halftime. Curtis Samuel goes up and catches a duck over three defenders, rolls into the end zone, and somehow isn't touched! The back judge got caught up in all that and ended up on his back.


This might stand, because I don't think Harrison Smith touched him until after the ball broke the plane. Call STANDS. Touchdown! Vikings get a stop on 4th and 1 on the next drive. Heinecke with the spin move! They call him short of the first down and Rivera challenges. Call stands and it's 3rd and 1, and the Commanders are down to one time out with 1:41 left in the third quarter. Jet sweep! Who is Dax Milne? Cousins takes a shot from Payne. This front four has been in the Vikings' backfield all game long. Field goal is good. Heinecke throws up another absolute air ball that Smith picks off. Cook with the one-handed grab in the end zone. We're tied! Field goal is good... but there's a flag against the Commanders, and the Vikings take the first down instead. Now the Commanders can't stop the clock. Field goal is good with 12 seconds left.


Antonio Gibson gets it, seems to be looking for someone to pitch it to, but can't get out of bounds! LOL. (Vikings 20, Commanders 17)


To reiterate: The Jets kicker SLIPS AND FALLS on the kickoff. Christ. Allen out here fucking up. Jets ball. Knox stretches for a first down. All that to hand it off to Singletary on 2nd and 1. Allen keeps it and dives to the goal line. Touchdown! Wait, did the ball break the plane? Doesn't look like it on replay. They say it didn't, but Allen sneaks it on the next play. Wilson down. Now he's headed for the medical tent. Zeurlein hits from 53. Wilson back in but he throws too high for Mims on third and 7. Allen takes off down the far sideline and outruns the Jets for a 36-yard score. Saleh about to waste a challenge on a spot. Yep, call stands. Then they get it. Garrett Wilson with a clutch grab. Touchdown Michael Carter, the running back. (The Jets have another Michael Carter on defense.) Bills already close to field goal range. Eagle notes that there's been no wind at the Meadowlands as Bass tires a 55-yarder. Nope. 14-10 Bills. Jets with the fake punt! Skycam has malfunctioned. A wire snapped and it's just kind of hanging there a couple feet off the ground. We drop in on Dolphins-Bears for a bit while they fix it. Wilson gets sacked and fumbles and the Bills have it!


Sauce Gardner picks off Allen! Touchdown James Robinson! Man, it really feels like Allen's kept the Jets in this game. I don't know where that throw was going.


Me, last week: "The Jonas Brothers are playing Cowboys Thanksgiving halftime. I wonder what third-level act Detroit's getting stuck with." Well, it's Bebe Rexha, with David Guetta, which might bump it up to second level? Carter running HARD. Two minutes left and it's first and goal. Miller stuffs James Robinson. Wilson keeps it and gets to the 2. Bills get a coverage sack, call their last time out, and force a field goal try. Zeurlein hits it. Diggs with a great toe-tapping catch that won't count because of offensive holding. Allen sacked and fumbles! The Bills recover, but lose quite a few yards. Fourth down, and Allen looks for Davis... incomplete! That's MASSIVE. (Jets 20, Bills 17)


Mixon has four touchdowns in the first half. Mayfield back in at QB for the Panthers, not that it'll matter. (Bengals 42, Panthers 21)


Cameron Dicker does it AGAIN! He needs a regular gig. (Chargers 20, Falcons 17)


It is, and no, he won't be. He might retire before going through this again.


The SportsCenter highlights of this game were some of the saddest I've ever seen. And I've also never seen Rodgers so angry.


(Lions 15, Packers 9; Jaguars 27, Raiders 20)

CBS can't be happy with how mediocre these teams have been. Bucs get out of a first and 20.


Fournette gets stopped at the 3. Succop makes the kick. Van Jefferson drops a 30-yard gain. Vita Vea with the sack. Near-disaster for the Rams on this punt return but they keep it inside their 10. Cam Akers is somehow still a Ram. Kupp! Touchdown! Stafford threw him a laser beam with Vea bearing down on him with the worst of intentions and it ended up looking easy. Graphic notes that the Buccaneers don't have a turnover problem — they just can't score. Field goal is BLOCKED. Dude jumped over the center and had a free shot at it. Romo explains that it's not a penalty because he didn't use the center for leverage. The Rams can't do anything else on offense, either. Succop tries another one and this time he makes it. Big Rams punt return is called back because of a hold. Is Stafford yelling "sports medicine" as an audible? Gay makes it 10-6. That's a REAL good punt. Nantz says it's the longest in Bucs history.


Vea is terrorizing the Rams' backfield.


What was with that Kupp end around that got five yards? 44 seconds left. Oh God, it's happening again. CADE OTTON? Seriously?


The Rams didn't even pretend to defend the sideline. That's a terrible loss. Are they finished? (Buccaneers 16, Rams 13)



You'll notice Derrick Henry's the only Titans offensive player in this opening. They've showed Kevin Byard three times. Teams get into a post-play scuffle on snap #2. Cris recounts that the Chiefs remembered getting beaten up by the Titans when they played last year, and that dust-up was a message. Mahomes gets intercepted on a free play but he knew the flag was on the Titans. Mahomes runs to the Titans' 23. Holding penalty on the Chiefs pushes them back and they end up kicking it. Tight end screen goes for 48 yards? To their No. 3 tight end? Drive stalls even after Willis does well to avoid a sack. Mahomes to Justin Watson for 32 as Fulton tries to sell that he didn't catch it. (He did.) Reid signals Mahomes to wait and let the first quarter end. Chiefs false start on a direct snap to the motioning tight end. Gets you every time. Swing pass to Hardman for a touchdown. Titans are heated — Jeffrey Simmons is all the way up in Mahomes' face for some reason. Extra point misses. Austin Hooper bails out Willis, then Willis bails out of the pocket and runs.


You see the physical skills: the big arm, the mobility. But you also wonder how he can develop with this organization and this offensive philosophy. There's Henry. Chiefs jump offsides. Henry scores on a direct snap. Chiefs hurting themselves with penalties. It feels like the Colts game. Henry for 56! Cris: "And you forget that Derrick Henry is this fast." Hooper's gonna catch every Titans pass tonight. Touchdown Henry. Punt pins the Chiefs at the 1. As Collinsworth predicted, the Chiefs get a first down and start speeding things up. Refs rule this Mahomes run wasn't a first down, and Mahomes gets sacked on third and 1. Mahomes with a shovel flip to Kelce for a first down. Kelce can't handle the next pass and it gets intercepted! Kelce tosses his helmet in disgust. Bullock makes it 17-9 Titans. Tirico notes how quiet the crowd is at what is usually one of the loudest stadiums in the league. Butker misses AGAIN. Yep, it's the Colts game redux. The Chiefs' offense has stalled. Hooper wants DPI on Trent McDuffie but doesn't get it. Nick Bolton makes a big stop that takes the Titans out of field goal range.


The Chiefs' defense has played about as well as it can tonight. Mahomes gets sacked for the fourth time. Then he takes off and gets 21 on 3rd and 17. Another Mahomes scramble and this one goes for a touchdown! Two-point try doesn't work, but there's a flag. It's offsetting penalties, so we'll try again. Too high for Kelce but there's another flag. This one's defensive holding. Mahomes hesitates, then goes for the near pylon and gets there! We're tied with 2:56 left.


Tirico: "Remember when I said it was quiet here?" Willis sacked on third down. Two minutes! Hardman loses about five yards on this punt return. Chiefs get stopped! Now they're going for it? Edwards-Helaire gets there. That almost didn't work. Mahomes overthrows Kelce by a LOT. Chiefs forced to punt, then the Titans are forced to punt. Hardman with the return he should have made on the last one. Replay shows the Chiefs got real close to that punt, too. Five seconds, two time outs. Kelce with another drop, which is actually fine because he wouldn't have gotten enough yards in time. Was Hardman not told about pitchy-pitchy woo-woo? Anyway, we're going to overtime. Chiefs win the toss. Kelce catches one finally. Noah Gray with a juggling midair catch, but what's this flag? Oh, there is none. Thank God. Hardman drops the pass on third and 1. The Field goal unit hasn't come on yet. They GO for it and JuJu comes through. Nothing open in the next three downs and now Butker comes in. It's GOOD. 4:04 left. The Chiefs have had the ball twice as long tonight. Willis in trouble and he goes down. And again. Fourth and 26, but Freddie Mitchell's nowhere in sight. (Chiefs 20, Titans 17, OT)

Two banged-up teams. DeSean on the field for the Ravens, who won't have Mark Andrews tonight and also won't have Rashod Bateman for the rest of the season, making an already not-great passing game even less great. A bad punt takes a great bounce and it'll roll to the Saints' 15. Flag comes out on this deflected pick, and it's against the Ravens. Touchdown Likely! Lamar's 100th and a beautiful throw. Justin Houston with a sack. Saints' defense getting clowned as the second quarter begins. The Ravens are 6 for 8 on third down already. Lamar overthrows DeMarcus Robinson. Touchdown Drake. Good catch by Olave on Dalton's best throw of the night. A bit too high for a wide-open Callaway. Lutz puts the Saints on the board to end the half. It's Lisa Salters' dad's 90th birthday! Ravens get the second half kickoff. Two misses by Lamar lead to a Tucker field goal. Drake making moves. Lamar breaking tackles.


The Ravens should really be up by more than 11 as poorly as the Saints' defense has played, and it's because of things like this: the Ravens look completely disorganized on third down, Lamar's trying to get everyone in position, and the easily catchable pass that comes out of it is bobbled and almost intercepted. It feels like they'd be losing to a good team. Tucker makes it 20-6. Houston with the interception! Some incredible question dodging by Sean Payton on the ManningCast.


Touchdown Drake and that's that. "False start, everyone but the center." Aikman notes that the center didn't do his job in that situation and somehow doesn't get penalized. Also: "They might need to find a soft pillow for Andy Dalton after this game." Touchdown Saints? Peters just let Juwan Johnson go because he thought he was out of bounds? I can't sit here and say he went out. Buck sings about as well as Don Meredith did. (Ravens 27, Saints 13)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (8-0) — Following the formula
2. Kansas City (6-2) — Not in their house
3. Buffalo (6-2) — Got the bad ending
4. Dallas (6-2) — Taking some time to adjust some things

BOTTOM 4:
 29. Las Vegas (2-6) — I mean, this was somehow a playoff team last year
30. Detroit (2-6) — May now be responsible for Aaron Rodgers' worst loss ever
31. Carolina (2-7) — Covered in tire treads
32. Houston (1-6-1) — They need talent

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