Sunday, November 27, 2022

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10: Finite

The Falcons' Jake Matthews had a kid this morning and got here maybe two hours ago. This win probability graphic from their first game is wild.

Fifty-three yards on 14 plays doesn't sound great once you do the math. And there's a sack. And the Panthers are going to punt. That's not something you see every day. There's zero chance Wilks keeps this job. Then the Panthers score in two plays on their next drive on a Laviska Shenault sweep. The Falcons have done nothing so fat. Field goal makes it 13-0 Panthers. Block springs Foreman, who only has to break one tackle for a touchdown. Now the Panthers miss the PAT and it's 19-9. Kirk: "It just feels like Carolina should be up by more." Al notes that the Panthers have run for 222 yards tonight. There's another dropped interception, so the Panthers get lucky and end up punting. Falcons down 7 with 2:20 left? Sure. Oh, a sack. Never mind. Panthers tack on a field goal for no real reason. (Panthers 25, Falcons 15)

Guten tag. I did not know Brady had an interception-less streak that long. (Buccaneers 21, Seahawks 16)

Signal Finder: MIN @ BUF, HOU @ NYG, DEN @ TEN (end), DAL @ GB

Touchdown Cager, the converted wide receiver. Texans pin the Giants at their own 1 with a 66-yard punt. Golladay with his second drop in his first game back. The Giants aren't even at midfield with eight seconds left? They got no shot. What are they doing? Getting sacked, that's what. 7-3 Giants at halftime. Slayton slips a tackle and goes 54 yards for a touchdown. Texans have found something in the passing game? That's unexpected. Touchdown Nico Collins. Giants answer back with a Barkley touchdown. Jordan Akins gets out of a tackle and goes 45 yards to end the third. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Wait, Jaylon Smith's back? Texans come right back with two big plays. Cooks touchdown gets called back for holding. And Mills throws an interception on the next play. It's probably over now. They're reviewing this Mills fumble. Davis doesn't seem to think it'll stand. Why is this taking so long? Call REVERSED. Pierce picks up a first down. DPI on an uncatchable ball is canceled out by a hold. Texans kick the field goal with 2:32 left. (Giants 24, Texans 16)

Jags open with an onside kick? OK then. I've never been convinced the Giants actually wanted Kadarius Toney and only took him because the Eagles snapped up Devonta Smith in front of them. Chiefs already up 20. Grand.


(Chiefs 27, Jaguars 17)

Josh Allen IS playing. Jefferson breaks two tackles on third down. Lot of injuries in that Bills secondary still. Touchdown Jefferson. That's a good kick return. Allen's arm seems OK so far. BLOCKING. Touchdown Singletary, his first on the ground this year. Wait, Dalvin and James Cook are brothers? Allen takes off and converts 3rd and 11, creating first and goal. Touchdown Singletary. Christian Barmore picks off Cousins. Oh, we got weather here, too. He returns it to the Vikings' 26. Two Vikings miss a deflected pass that I think hit someone's helmet at the line of scrimmage. Field goal is good and it is snowing HARD now. Vikings get a 39-yard kickoff return to near midfield. Cousins finds Osborn on the near sideline inside the 5. Risky throw into the end zone is almost intercepted. Late flag is on... Hockenson? OK. These McKenzie end arounds are 50/50 propositions every time. Vikings throw twice in a row needing one yard and fail both times. Grand. Now the Bills are driving again. Gabriel Davis makes a touchdown grab over the defender! 24-10 Bills at the half. Cousins gets hit and Dane Johnson picks him off.


Hockenson going off the field for what the ref calls "a medical issue." Bills get dinged for a false start on a field goal but Bass still makes it from 45. Dalvin Cook goes 81 yards! Diggs with an OBSCENE one-handed catch for 25 on 3rd and 15 to end the third quarter. FOX plays "Allentown" into commercial. Then Davis converts 3rd and 16! This is why the Vikings are going to lose. The Bills go for it on 4th and 2 from inside the Vikings' 10, and Patrick Peterson picks him off! He takes it back 35 yards and Allen's down. He tried to punch the ball out with his injured right arm. Not smart, kid. He's on the sideline talking with someone now. Vikings go for it after Thielen gets stopped two yards short, but they have to burn a time out. Reverse to Osborn and he fights through to get there. Ed Oliver cuts down Dalvin to force 4th and 5. Hockenson! Bills lose Thielen and he's at the 18. Cousins doing his best Allen impression. It's mediocre but he gets to the 3.

FULLBACK TOUCHDOWN. That's C.J. Ham's first touchdown in FIVE YEARS? Moose is as surprised as I am. Extra point MISSES! It's still 27-23! Diggs has to turn around and can't haul it in. Bills get a coverage sack. Then the catch of the year happens:

Then Beford gets called for hitting Thielen out of bounds and the Vikings are in the red zone. Cousins with a quick pass to Jefferson... and this isn't a touchdown. Call is reversed and it's fourth and goal. 54 seconds. Bills clearly jump offsides and Dalvin Cook drops the pass. Let's try again. Cousins sneaks it and get in! OR NOT? Oh WOW. He extended AFTER his shoulder was down. That's a stop. The Bills can't even take a knee here. DID ALLEN FUMBLE? TOUCHDOWN VIKINGS. JESUS CHRIST. The Bills fumbled the snap and Kendricks recovered it in the end zone. Fucking hell.

Moose wonders if the Bills should have taken the safety there instead. Joe Davis: "We've lived a whole life inside the one-yard line here." Call STANDS. Extra point makes it 30-27, and now the last missed extra point is looming.


Davis again! Vikings playing prevent and the Bills are already in field goal range. FOX is reshowing that Davis catch... and that ball came out. They take a shot at the end zone and get an interference call! Five seconds left, which Moose doesn't think is enough time. Bass is out. Good from 29!

Vikings win the toss. Who's out there for them in a long coat? Vikings get another DPI, and it's a bad one. JEFFERSON. How do they not knock it down? First and goal Vikings at the 2. Cook LOSES 4. And that ends up taking a touchdown off the table.

Bills get the ball with 3:35 left. Allen scrambles for 17. The Vikings can't stop this dude. Peterson with the interception! Holy hell. Allen's made some backbreaking mistakes the last two weeks.


(Vikings 33, Bills 30, OT)

Are the Titans going to be able to field a team? That injury report is rough. At least... Tannehill's back?


Titans are offside on 4th and 13. Wilson is pressured and throws a pick. (Titans 17, Broncos 10)


Wait, Jeff Saturday's going back to Matt Ryan at quarterback? There's no way this works, right? It's working?

I get not being able to afford firing McDaniels, but after this, I'm not sure you can afford not to. There's also something symbolic about the Colts beating that guy under these circumstances. (Colts 25, Raiders 20)

No Stafford OR Murray in Rams-Cardinals. Ouch. Ertz down with a knee injury. Now McCoy's hurt and Trace McSorley is in for the Cardinals. McCoy comes back in. Kupp's hurt? That's bad. (Cardinals 27, Rams 17)

No score after 1 at Lambeau. Also no Zeke for the Cowboys. Burkhardt loves this overhead drone shot coming into the stadium. Gallup down at the 5. Something happened in the end zone and he limps off. Lamb lines up in the backfield, runs a route into the flat, and spins out of a tackle for a touchdown. Rodgers is sacked and fumbles. Cowboys ball, and first and goal. Dak throws a terrible interception in the end zone to Rudy Ford, who runs it out to the 30. Touchdown Christian Watson! He beats Anthony Brown and catches it (he's struggled with drops this season) for a 58-yard score. Ford jumps the route and gets ANOTHER pick. Olsen blames Lamb for running the wrong route. Jones goes left and scores. 14-7 Pack. Gallup to the 5! Schultz stretches out and gets in. We're tied at 14. Amari Rogers fumbles the punt and the Cowboys recover. Pollard scores against not even token resistance. Touchdown Lamb on a ball I thought was overthrown by a mile. How did he catch that? Sammy Watkins lives? Rodgers goes deep for Watson and he's got a touchdown. Cowboys drive fizzles. Jones fumbles after a long run but the Packers fortunately recover. Watson AGAIN! We're tied!


Oh, I do NOT like this playcalling from the Packers here. Two runs before calling a time out when you've only got two left?

Looks like overtime. How many times are the Cowboys going to hurt themselves on this drive with penalties? And how many times are the Packers going to bail them out? Cowboys pass on a 53-yarder to go on 4th and 4? Prescott gets pressured and throws incomplete! GOOD JOB, McCARTHY. Slant to Lazard and he's got space to work. He takes it inside the 20! Tack a face mask penalty onto that Jones run. (Also, Aaron throwing a block?) Rodgers kneels in the middle of the field.


Crosby from 28. It's GOOD! (Packers 31, Cowboys 28, OT)

DeAndre Carter with one of the easiest touchdown catches he'll ever have. 49ers secondary looked lost on that drive.


Garoppolo overthrows Aiyuk in the end zone. Deebo to the 2. Chargers stop McCaffrey short of the first down. Ogbonna's down, and the Chargers cannot afford to lose any more defensive linemen. They just cut their first-round pick from 2019! Field goal is good. Asante Jr. spins Aiyuk into Derwin James, whose helmet forces the fumble. Dicker sneaks one just inside the right upright. Apparently, Dicker was on his way to a Carrie Underwood concert when his agent called that the Chargers were signing him, so NBC just showed a video message from Carrie offering him tickets to another show. Collinsworth is jealous. Punt is BLOCKED and the Chargers will take over at the 49ers' 46. Cris can't believe this completion to Carter wasn't intercepted. (Refs also missed a hold on the tight end.) Dicker makes it 13-3. Kittle! McCaffrey inside the 10 after two plays. Garoppolo sneak is good. Whoa! Greenlaw just got thrown out for hitting Herbert in the head with his shoulder. Tirico wonders if the refs will make Herbert come out because of that shot to the head and it immediately happens. Then Chase Daniel, the backup, takes a shot. Tirico says they the NFL needs to bring back the active third quarterback rule. Dicker makes it 16-10 at halftime as Tirico throws it back to the studio by noting that everyone picked the 49ers. Embiid has 57! (He finished with 59, 11 rebounds, and 7 blocks.) Third down pass goes through Aiyuk's hands. Field goal is good. The conversation on the Greenlaw ejection continues, as McAuley doesn't think the hit warranted an ejection. Melissa Stark says Shanahan was much less... eloquent about it. Chargers lose Christian Covington off their defensive line now. Aiyuk drags a Chargers tackler hanging on to his leg to the 2. Touchdown McCaffery. Gould MISSES the PAT! Chargers haven't really done anything since halftime. Not having Allen and Williams for multiple weeks has caught up to them.

Now there's a discussion on whether the ball should have been put at the 20 after this punt, as the 49ers player backed into the end zone. Not that it will matter, as the 49ers already ran a play. Why are we doing this?


Chargers run out of downs. 49ers add a late field goal.

Was that a clean pick? Yeah, it was. (49ers 22, Chargers 16)

SPECIAL TEAMS. On both sides, really. FUMBLE? Eagles ball! The running into the punter call actually helped the Eagles because now the ball's inside the 25. Hurts keeper to the 7. Sneak and score. Commanders running hard up the middle. Slay loses Dotson and it's first and goal. Gibson scores on second down. A.J. Brown limps off. Commanders get called for DPI down inside the 5. Ball's at the 6. Jump pass to Goedert for a touchdown. The Eagles have never been able to slow down McLaurin.


Commanders with a 4th and 1. DELAY OF GAME. Thanks, crowd! Slye hits from 44. Hurts goes deep for A.J. but the throw goes into double coverage and it's intercepted! Heinecke stands in under pressure and delivers it to Samuel, who got left wide open. The next snap goes over Heinecke's head but he manages to throw it away. K'Von Wallace stops McLaurin on third and 10. Fourth and 1 again, and they get the play off and it's a handoff to Samuel for a first down. Brian Robinson to the 1. He fights through a tackle and scores. Eagles go three and out and Slye ends the half with a 58-yarder.


The Eagles cannot get a stop on third down tonight. At all. McLaurin for 42. Third and 1 and they run it and pick it up, just like every other time. The Eagles finally get home on a sack. (No idea why the Commanders threw a pass there. They've been running over the Eagles all night.) RIP to Troy's mom, Cheryl. Hurts finds Quez at midfield. The fourth quarter begins with Devonta Smith slipping a tackle and going into the end zone. Right before that, they show Lurie with tailgaters in the parking lot and Buck says "This is as stable an organization as it gets in the NFL." (Considering who the opponent is, there's a non-zero chance that was intentional.) Gardner-Johnson gets called for a late hit, putting the ball at midfield. Yeah, that was bad. He was still inbounds. Heinecke looks for McLaurin deep on third down... and Gardner-Johnson picks it off! Goedert's down and the Commanders are running the ball into the end zone. That's a fumble. It won't be a touchdown, as Goedert was touching the recovering player. What's really gonna piss people off is that the refs missed a face mask.


Gibson loses five on a screen. Heinecke has to throw it away. The Eagles decline an illegal man downfield penalty, and Slye hits from 55. 26-21 with 7:44 left. QUEZ! NO!! He got up because he wasn't touched and then he got caught from behind and fumbled! They call OPI on Dotson to negate a big Samuel catch on third down. Aikman doesn't like the call. Hurts gets sacked and the Eagles punt. Something goes wrong and Siposs ends up having to kick it away on the run because there was no way it wasn't getting blocked. They call illegal man downfield on No. 44, which has not only been retired, but Pete Retzlaff, the man who wore it, died in 2020. Heinecke takes a knee on third down, but Graham runs into him — and gets called for a personal foul! That's just dumb. It's a ticky-tack call but Graham's gotta know better. And Reddick was already there! Just a whole bunch of brutal mistakes tonight.

Pitchy pitchy woo woo turns into an irrelevant Commanders touchdown. (Commanders 32, Eagles 21)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Philadelphia (8-1) — An all-around slopfest
2. Kansas City (7-2) — The easy route
3. Minnesota (8-1) — Close and a cigar
4. Miami (7-3) — Tua's found himself in this offense

BOTTOM 4:
 29. Denver (3-6) — I see things haven't gotten better in the slightest
30. Carolina (3-7) — Up in the mud
31. Las Vegas (2-7) — Abject humiliation
32. Houston (1-7-1) — Somehow lost a winnable game

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