Friday, December 31, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 12: Plowing Shares

Reminder that the only reason you watch the Lions every year today is that they volunteered for it because nobody else wanted to do it.

Buck: "Dalton with no crowd noise to deal with." This a fumble? Refs confer and they rule that the Bears player was out of bounds when he recovered it. Swift with a one-handed catch on 3rd and 1. I like the Josh Reynolds pickup for the Lions, especially as a much-needed veteran presence at that position. Of course Equaminious St. Brown would have a brother named Amon-Ra. Touchdown Reynolds! Was that Artie Burns getting cooked again? Replay of the coin toss, where the referee mistakenly asks the Bears if they want the ball AFTER the Lions defer.


The aftermath of this was the kick hitting a Lions player's helmet, followed by a holding call that Buck and Aikman didn't see, and Dan Campbell accepting the penalty, putting the ball at the Bears' 16. That seems... strange, somehow. Lions drop an interception in the end zone. Field goal is good.


First down line is WAY off on this pass to Hockenson. Swift down injured and the Lions truly can't afford to lose him. Lions facing first and 30 after a false start, the third of three consecutive penalties. They were in field goal range! Aikman blames himself. Now it's 3rd and 32. "This drive has disintegrated." Lions run it for... some reason. (That reason being they don't have 3rd and 32 talent.) Dalton hits Mooney with a bomb for 52. Touchdown Graham!


Aikman: "For these two offenses, this is a shootout." Roquan Smith is also questionable to return for the Bears. Wait, the Gobbler's back? I'm concerned. Animated short chronicles the history of it. Oh, it's just a silver football trophy now. That's... easily the best one. Bears challenge an uncalled fumble. This one's easy. This time Oruwariye gets it in the end zone! That ball came out flat and he still had to jump to pick it off. Lions go three and out in less than 30 seconds. Bears hit from 43 to end the half. Big Sean AGAIN? He sucked last time! Dalton scramble is negated by offensive holding, which ultimately costs the Bears points as Santos can't hit from 53. Graphic of the last time the Lions won respective things. Aikman mentions "that last playoff win was against us" and Buck needles him over it. Lions are... doing something? Touchdown Hockenson! They get caught with 12 men on the field on the extra point because they're the Lions, but they hit it anyway. 42 years ago today was the first Summerall-Madden broadcast. Jamaal Williams breaks a big run. I think the Lions have lost all of that yardage with penalties. Buck: "It's not often you have two 3rd and 32's in the same game."


Dalton bails out of the pocket immediately and dives for a nine-yard gain. We're at the two-minute warning and the Lions never used their time outs? Shot of everyone in the booth, including Aikman's daughter Ali. Then the Lions call back-to-back time outs, which is against the rules and gives the Bears five yards.


Bears convert 3rd and 4 and now the Lions are screwed. No one down here knows that they're doing. This is bad comedy.


"Good snap, good hold, good kick, goodbye." Dalton gets the trophy. Man, that stadium cleared out IMMEDIATELY. (Bears 16, Lions 14)

Lamb was concussed on Sunday so he'll also be out. Why is Michael Buffer showing up at all these NFL games lately? Renfrow with a 22-yard punt return from his own 8. Carr finds Desean on the run and he tiptoes down the sideline for a touchdown. Zeke and Pollard splitting carries so far. Sean McKeon is what happens when you don't have Amari Cooper and CeeDee Lamb. Is Zuerlein washed? I feel like I ask that once a month. Anthony Brown's second pass interference call on this drive puts the Raiders at the 1. Easy touchdown for Jacobs. I'm not sure this Mariota play happens if Waller doesn't get injured earlier in the drive. Raiders end up kicking a short field goal. Then Zuerlein tries a 59-yarder. CLANG. No good off the upright. Direct snap to Pollard but he only gets three. Pollard catches a pass and... did he get in? It's called a touchdown. Let's see. Hmmm. Call REVERSED. Zeke takes it in on the next play. That'll flip some fantasy points. 17-13 Raiders at halftime. Clearly, Luke Combs wasn't getting paid by the hour. Wait, what? We got a full-on FRACAS after this punt. Whoa! No way these dudes don't get tossed. Yeah, they're gone. Mariota in and he takes it in for a touchdown. Has there been a bad Cowboys penalty on every Raiders scoring drive? Pollard takes the kickoff at the goal line. Someone stop him. Anyone? No? NOPE. TOUCHDOWN. They go for two but Zeke can't get across. Pass to Pollard comes up short. Field goal is good this time. Big play to Gallup down the sideline. Touchdown Schultz! Wait, hang on, there's a flag — and it's against the Cowboys. They can't pick up the first down and end up settling for three. Big play to Gallup down the sideline. Touchdown Schultz! And this time it'll count! Schultz also catches the two-point pass and we're tied at 30. DeSean loses his footing. That's probably a touchdown otherwise. Field goal is good with 1:57 left. Cowboys still have time, which I guess is why they haven't taken a single shot deep on this drive. Well, gotta start now. Zuerlein hits from 45 to tie it at 33. We're going to overtime.


That is curious, now that I think about it. Cowboys win the toss, but go three and out. Carr gets sacked. Carr overthrows Zay Jones... but they get Brown for DPI! That's his FOURTH ONE TODAY? Get him off the field. Raiders set up to kick a field goal. False start pushes them back five. Then the Cowboys jump offsides (called as "unabated to the quarterback" for some reason) and they get the five yards back. Then the same Cowboy jumps AGAIN, and it was 4th and 2, so it's a first down. (And Carlson hit the upright on that kick attempt.) The Raiders... keep the kicking unit out there? Romo doesn't love it. It's GOOD.




(Raiders 36, Cowboys 33, OT)

Bills looking resplendent in all-blue. Touchdown Knox. Coming back from break with some Preservation Hall Jazz Band? I like it. Brees has seen shows there!


Add Mark Ingram to the injured Saints offensive players list. Meanwhile, in the Egg Bowl:


Saints get an interception! TreDavious White now doubtful to return. Saints try a fake punt pass but there's nothing there. Touchdown pass to Knox gets called back, then the Saints intercept Allen again on the next play. That's legit a great catch by Kwon Alexander. Cam Jordan got his arm. That'll end the half. Singletary gets out of three tackles and gets 17. Touchdown Stefon Diggs, burning the Saints yet again.


I mean, they literally don't have anybody else. Meanwhile, Knox gets another touchdown and it's 24-0 Bills. Seimian loses the ball and there's a scramble for it. The Bills pick it up and score but that's an incomplete pass. Is this roughing the passer penalty the Saints' biggest play tonight? No, this completion to Jordan Humphrey is. Fourth quarter opens with a Saints touchdown. They go for two and don't get it because they're just cursed at this point. So Jess Pegula IS their daughter. They also gave a bunch of money to Penn State to build a hockey arena and upgrade the team from a club team to full varsity. Matt Brieda (!!!) scores on a screen pass. Jordan Poyer gets a pick and Trubisky comes in. They have turkey leg trophies this year! Emeril Lagasse provided the eatin' legs for Allen, Diggs and Knox. (Bills 31, Saints 6)

Signal Finder: PHI @ NYG, TB @ IND (end), LAC @ DEN, LAR @ GB

I'm Sorry You Had To See That: Jets 21, Texans 14

The regular crew is at the stadium for a ceremony for Strahan. 21 of their last 26? Good Lord. A flea-flicker screen? It works, and the Giants get across midfield. Edwards brings Engram down just short of the first down. Jones sneaks it on fourth and short and just makes it. Are we sure about that? Golladay misses two chances to make a play (the ball hit him in the back of the head on the second one) and the Giants settle for three. Quez Watkins with primo footwork on a sideline catch on 3rd and 5. A bad throw gets intercepted, and a flag gets picked up. Note that this was after Schlereth says he saw Holmes hold Watkins and spin him around. First quarter ends.


Eagles bring everyone and Jones finds John Ross for 12 on third down. Gano MISSES from 51. We get a replay of the play that Kelce got hurt on. Barkley breaks a run to the outside. Holding penalty costs the Giants 10, then Barkley loses three more. Third down pass is broken up. Officials talk and determine that Maddox never had control of it before stepping out of bounds. Punt rolls to the 7. Hurts with a nice run that may come back. Yeah. JJAW with a third-down conversion. Hurts with back-to-back first down runs. Giants bite on the fake and Hurts gets nailed, but Scott has the ball and he breaks a tackle and scores. BUT another offensive holding call on Nate Herbig, who's replaced Kelce, nullifies it.


Reagor makes the catch at the 2. 13 seconds left. Eagles call their second time out. Pass to Ward is incomplete, and Hurts is stopped short on second down. Third down pass is picked off and the half ends. 3-0 Giants.


Also, why not run it? Giants take over on downs. Giants moving now. Engram can't make the catch but that's because Nelson interfered. Jones with a low throw... that's apparently caught? Touchdown Giants. That ball somehow never hit the ground. Yet another bad decision by Hurts results in his third interception. A double-covered Reagor 40 yards downfield in a 10-point game in the third quarter? How is that the move?


Seriously, the only thing this game is doing is confirming everyone's priors on the Giants. If they were any good, they'd be up 20 by now. Eagles get the running game working again. Scott with a tough run inside the 5. Scott with a touchdown to start the fourth. Hurts takes a sack he can't afford to take. It's more apparent today, but the Brandon Graham injury really exposed the Eagles' lack of depth at defensive end. They've gotten no pressure on Jones against an offensive line that shouldn't be as bad as it is. Incompletion on third down forces a field goal.


Scott fumbles and that's game. Jones smartly goes down on third down to make the Eagles use their last time out. The hell are the Giants doing? The clock isn't running.


Hurts throws a bomb to Reagor that he drops and Love almost intercepts again. Goedert, who hasn't been thrown to at all today, bobbles one on the sideline. Fourth down throw is incomplete. Where was Smith anywhere on that drive? This game sucked, and not just because of the outcome. (Giants 13, Eagles 7)

We join Bucs-Colts with 3:40 left and the Colts at the Tampa Bay 4. Taylor scores easily. Fournette with some big runs on this drive. Bucs run a sweep with Godwin and he lunges for the first down. Fournette breaks a tackle and scores his FOURTH touchdown today! Twenty seconds left. Rodgers takes the kickoff and finds a hole! He gets run out of bounds but it's a 71-yard runback. Pass to Doyle is incomplete. Hail Mary is picked off. (Buccaneers 38, Colts 31)

These cockroaches are on a W6 and back on top of the AFC. War. War never changes. (Patriots 36, Titans 13)

Derwin James sacks Bridgewater and the Chargers recover the fumble. Gumbel and Archuleta wonder if Bridgewater's arm was coming forward. Steratore comes on and says it does. I'm not sure; I think his arm's coming down and it's hard to tell. Crowd cheers and it sounds like it's getting overturned. It is. Bridgewater being looked at on the sideline as the cart comes out for another player. Gordon comes back in on the Broncos' next drive, and Drew Lock is in at quarterback. Lock throws Patrick out of the end zone. Javonte Williams with some burst and he'll score. 14-0 Broncos. James intercepts Lock. Herbert finds Ekeler over the middle for a touchdown. Hopkins misses the field goal. Justin Simmons almost intercepts Herbert. Herbert slides and Simmons goes for the ball but Herbert is ruled down. Surtain intercepts him in the end zone. Williams makes a big play off a screen pass for 42, then a roughing call adds 15 more. Bridgewater rolls out (!) and finds Eric Soward for a touchdown. Ekeler can't handle this pass and Surtain ends up with it. 70 yards later, this game's out of reach. OK, there's NO WAY this Cook catch is a touchdown. Oh my God, I think it IS. Herbert threw up a prayer into six people and that's the result? What? (Broncos 28, Chargers 13)

Aaron Jones, among others, back for the Packers. They are, however, on their fourth left tackle this year.


My GOD. You can hear the smirk on his face. That's a straight-up roasting. This throw to Adams is short, but Dillon picks up the fourth and short. Rodgers hits Cobb over the middle, then Adams again. Packers wait to decide to try a 56-yarder, then call time out. Then they decide to punt. The Packers traded for a punter? From the RAMS? OK, sure. Stafford is hit and fumbles and the Packers have it at the Rams 12. Adams loses the ball at the 2 but is correctly ruled down. Rodgers fakes the toss and scores on a bootleg. Rams go for it on 4th and short and don't get there. Crosby hits from 45. Stafford goes deep to Van Jefferson, who stays upright through a leg tackle and scores on a 79-yard play. Crosby with another make. The Packers have stuck with him for a long time through some rough stretches. Cobb muffs the punt and the Rams get it. Wide receiver pass by Kupp to Jefferson in the end zone, but he didn't get both feet inbounds. It would have been an amazing catch, as he had to turn around to make it. Rams end up kicking a field goal. Rodgers to Cobb for a touchdown and it's 20-10 Packers. Stafford to Henderson for a touchdown and these offenses are streaking right now. Replay of this Adams play looks like he did hang on to it. Call STANDS and it's a catch. Rams were offsides on the punt, giving the Packers a first down. 20-17 at halftime. Erin reports that Cobb's out with a groin injury. Rodgers to MVS for 27. Their new tight end, Peguna, makes a catch inside the 5. Rodgers dumps it to Dillon, who makes a cut and scores. Rams suddenly can't get a stop.


Lewis fumbles but the Packers recover it. Crosby field goal makes it 30-17. Rasul Douglas intercepts Stafford and that one's going to the house.


Aikman points out that he could jump that route because he had safety help. The Rams have had the ball for about a minute in this quarter. Douglas almost had a second pick as Beckham lost his footing. Big play by Beckham. Kupp with some great footwork to stay in the end zone. 36-25. Uncharacteristically bad punt by Hekker.


Stafford throws to Kupp, who insists on fighting for more yards instead of just going down. Then they run it on third down and now they've screwed this up completely. They even lost a yard! Field goal is good but it doesn't matter. They should have spiked it on third down after the Kupp catch, then kicked the field goal. Would have saved about 45 seconds. 42 on the Packers gets trucked on the onside kick. Glad he's OK. (Packers 36, Rams 28)

Tirico pulling double duty this weekend. Mayfield finds Landry down the field for a first down. They miss the field goal. Man, the Browns JUST got Jack Conklin back and he's down injured again. Peoples-Jones wants a flag and he gets one, as he should have. Freeman's found new life with the Ravens after bouncing around for a couple years. What is happening out there? Lamar finds Bateman under a collapsing pocket, but he doesn't get the first down. Tucker puts them on the board. Freeman makes a catch for eight yards, and Clowney walks off in clear discomfort. Browns' defense holds and Tucker makes it 6-0. Browns get a big play to Bryant (not Dez) down the sideline. Direct snap to Landry fools no one and he fumbles. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Then the Browns get it back two plays later on a tipped pass. Good catch by Denzel Ward to corral that. Field goal CLANGS off the upright and through. Mayfield drops back on the next drive and loses the ball! Ravens have it! That's a touchdown for any of the five dudes who got there if they could have scooped it up cleanly. This game has been SLOP. Then Lamar throws another interception. It's 6-3 Ravens at the half.


Mark Andrews with a wild one-handed catch while being dragged to the ground by his other arm. Flag comes out but it doesn't matter. TOUCHDOWN. Good God. Lamar scrambles away from the blitz, steps up, and finds Andrews, who had to come back to the ball. Then Myles Garrett shook his hand afterwards because what the hell else can you do? Njoku goes down to make a catch at the goal line. Did that hit the ground? This'll be close. It was called a touchdown. I think it hits the ground from the end zone cam replay. Call STANDS. Touchdown Browns. John Johnson jumps in front of Andrews and gets an interception! Wild shit tonight. Mayfield almost gives it right back.


Ravens grind out about six minutes of clock before Tucker makes it 16-10. They threw four interceptions and won. What a world.


(Ravens 16, Browns 10)

Steve Levy opens by saying this feels like an elimination game and he's probably right. All that and Washington ends up settling for a short field goal. Wilson finds Lockett down the sideline. Where was the defense? (A question WFT fans have been asking all season.) Wilson makes a perfect throw to Gerald Everett for a touchdown. Everett then leaps into the crowd only for a Washington fan to shove him out. Heinecke's arm gets hit on a pass but it somehow gets to Gibson anyway. Heinecke ducks under a tackle attempt. Wagner tips a high throw and Jamal Adams gets the interception off of it. Wilson to Lockett for 39. Alex Collins fumbles after a catch and Washington has it. Landon Collins just punched it out. (The flag was for offensive holding.)


Levy calls them "the Fighting Heineckes" right before a sack. McKissick gets a block on a screen and gets a touchdown. The extra point is BLOCKED! The Seahawks have it! He's got a convoy! That's two points for the SEAHAWKS and we're tied at 9! Rashim Green blocked it, picked it up, and took it all the way down. Riddick credits Seahawks special teams coach Larry Izzo, who was a beast as a special teams player.


Out of halftime, Lisa Salters reports that Joey Slye, Washington's kicker, may have pulled his hamstring running down the blocked PAT return. Washington muffs the punt but hangs on to the ball. Heinecke lofts one into the seats under pressure. McKissick runs for another touchdown. They go for two (because they don't have a placekicker) and Gibson gets there.


Wilson's lucky that pas to Lockett wasn't intercepted. Seahawks aren't doing much offensively. This is five straight three and outs. Gibson picks up 4th and 1 and goes down the sideline for 36. But a hold on Brandon Scherff, their only good offensive lineman, will force Washington to punt. Seahawks do nothing again. McKissick's been down for a while. Washington goes for it on 4th and 4 and Heinecke finds DeAndre Carter! That's probably it. They go for it on 4th and goal again, and Logan Thomas... makes the catch? The third ref in signals touchdown. Remember, their kicker's hurt. This'll obviously be reviewed. Call REVERSED. They say he didn't have full control. I didn't think the ball broke the plane, so here we go. Now the Seahawks have to go 97 yards when they've gotten one first down this half. Wilson gets sacked, which won't help matters. Nickles and dimes. TOUCHDOWN WILLIE SWAIN! Absolutely nobody was there in the middle of the field. This defense has been a disaster all season. This is somehow the Seahawks' first two-point try of the season. It's almost December! Pass is picked off in the end zone! Good Lord. Did they get the onside kick? They sure think so. They get penalized for an illegal formation! The penalty makes them rekick.


They try it again and of course it doesn't work. We just saw an era end. crosses off Seahawks (Washington 17, Seahawks 15)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Arizona (9-2) — Waiting on Murray and Hopkins
2. Green Bay (9-3) — Sticking it out
3. Tampa Bay (8-3) — Sometimes you need to catch a break
4. New England (8-4) — Defense powered
BOTTOM 4:
30. N.Y. Jets (3-8) — Doesn't mean much
30. Houston (2-9) — About what we expected, right?
31. Jacksonville (2-9) — Um, make that 15 straight losses to NFC teams
32. Detroit (0-10-1) — Can they pull one out?

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Thursday, December 30, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 11: Focus Forward

The Falcons' already not-good offense is now without Cordarrelle Patterson tonight. Michael McCorkle Jones. OK then. Hey, a Jonnu Smith sighting! Jones and Hunter Henry can't connect in the end zone and the Patriots have to kick a field goal. Damien Harris starting to heat up. He catches a pass but loses his footing two yards from the marker. Touchdown Agholor. Falcons drive ends unceremoniously with a sack and a missed field goal after an illegal formation penalty on the previous attempt. The Heidi Game was 50 years ago yesterday. Imagine explaining why that happened today. Nothing from Kyle Pitts so far tonight. Ryan sacked AGAIN. That's at least three. Pats tack on another field goal at halftime. They're bringing back Joe Millionaire? Even with this new twist (two guys, one's the millionaire, one's not) the reason it failed is because you can only do it once. A punter wearing No. 12? What is this? Highlight package of Falcons dances through the years. I feel like they look worse tonight than they did against the Eagles, a game I did not see. Two Falcons receivers almost collide on crossing routes, in case you're wondering what, specifically, we're dealing with here.


Super Bowl LI photo montage follows. Buck: "Sorry, Atlanta, they're making me do it." Jones throws a bad interception and A.J. Terrell returns it near midfield. Remember, it's only 13-0. Falcons give it to their fullback on 3rd and 1 from the Patriots' 15 and get stuffed. They go for it on 4th and 1 and... ALSO get stuffed. That was disastrous. The Chiefs aren't "red-hot", Joe. Falcons blitz and get to Jones on third down, saving them four points. 16-0 Falcons. J.C. Jackson gets an interception off a tipped wild throw. There's somehow only five minutes left and we're done here. There's a pick-six. I haven't been as wrong about a guy as I was about Josh Rosen in a long time. Felipe Franks is in the league? (Patriots 25, Falcons 0)

Signal Finder: NO @ PHI, CIN @ LV, DAL @ KC, AZ @ SEA (end)

It's legitimately rare for an NFL player to be too sick to play, but that's the case with Lamar Jackson today.


No relation to Brett, who you also don't remember. Also: Really, Bears? Really? (Ravens 16, Bears 13)

This was the one well-coached game the Eagles had last year. No Kamara for the Saints, which means they no longer have a functional offense. Siposs punt almost gets blocked. T.J. Edwards gets a pick! The newly-paid Goedert powers through a tackle and gets... to the 1? Schlereth thinks he actually landed on top of the defender and the ball broke the plane. Eagles get off a quick sneak, catching the Saints offside, and Hurts gets in. Sanders is back, and he's their best big-play threat, even more than Devonta Smith. Hurts with a keeper on an option read for 20.


Nice. Hurts rolls right and tries to get to the corner, but Demario Davis runs him out of bounds short of a score. Schlereth points out that he had the ball in his right hand the whole time, where switching it would have gotten it over the end line. Replay is... interesting. Eagles challenge. We come back from commercial and it's called a touchdown. Schlereth compliments Hurts on sliding the ball across his body, as actually switching it to his left hand could have made it easier for Davis to punch it out. 14-0. That's a good punt. Sanders fumbles and the Saints recover at the Eagles' 6. Maddox drills Ingram to force an incompletion but he's hurting afterwards. Touchdown pass is negated by offensive holding. Siemian tries again and Adam Trautman extends to make the catch for the touchdown. Big play to Smith to get into Saints territory. Marcus Williams comes across the field to knock a deep pass away from an open Sanders. They then throw short on third down for... some reason, and Elliott hits a 50-yarder. Singleton comes untouched on a blitz and Siemian barely gets the pass away. It seems like the Eagles have gotten better at figuring out their personnel. Howard with two bursts of runs. Goedert with an absolutely nutty catch for a first down. Touchdown is erased by two Eagles penalties. Williams pushes Smith out of bounds, preventing a completion at the 1. They settle for 3 and it's 20-7. Wait, that's not intentional grounding? That's another great and well-covered Saints punt. Sanders almost fumbles again. Mailata and Davenport get into a scrum. Slay with a pick-six! 27-7 Eagles. Who saw THIS coming? Howard is injured after landing on his head after a tackle. Smith takes a screen to the Saints' 8. Drive dies, but Elliott hits again making it 30-7. Ingram fumbles and the Eagles have it. Cox forced that fumble. He's past his prime but he can still be effective. Three more. Siemian with his best throw of the day, to Callaway for a touchdown. They go for two and you know how that goes. (They don't get it. For the ninth straight time.) The Eagles have slowed down offensively. Slay being evaluated for a head injury. Siemian takes off... and scores? It's the longest run of his career. Extra point MISSES, leaving it 33-19. Was Wil Lutz actually the most important Saint?


Hargrave gets hit with a roughing the passer call on third down. Trautman with a leaping catch for a first down and now he's hurt. Eagles finally get a stop and the Saints line up to kick. A fake is absolutely on the table here. They don't, though, and it's 33-22 with 7:14 left. JJAW LIVES!!! Stay inbounds, Miles. Saints use their last time out with 4:09 left. Hurts cuts back inside, gets the first down, turns up the speed, and scores! Eagles close with five divisional games and the Jets. A home win! Since the last one, last year, against... the Saints. (Eagles 40, Saints 29)


Like, no one covered Adams on that second score. Jefferson makes another guy miss. OK, what? That should have been an interception. The ball never hits the ground and Savage re-gathers is. That's a terrible decision. Vikings are just gonna wait this out? You know if you miss, you risk giving Rodgers the ball anyway in overtime, right? Here we go. OH MY GOD IT'S GOOD.

It's a Festivus MIRACLE. (Vikings 34, Packers 31)




Is anybody in the AFC good? (Colts 41, Bills 15; Texans 22, Titans 13)

Burrow on the move early and often after a Raiders field goal. McPherson from 54! That might have been good from 60. Mixon pushes through a leg tackle and reaches the pylon for a touchdown. Raiders run it on 3rd and 6 from midfield and Kenyan Drake slips on the logo. Raiders sit on two time outs at the end of the half and don't even get a chance for points. 10-6 Bengals at halftime. Raiders punt again on fourth and short. Burrow escapes a sack as the third quarter ends. Another field goal makes it 16-6. This kid's got a leg. He's hit from 54, 53, and now 51 today. Touchdown Raiders after a three-play drive that was all passes to tight ends. After a Burrow scramble, the Bengals challenge that the Raiders had 12 men on the field, and the officials decide they're right. (I couldn't tell from the actual replay if the 12th guy was off the field before the ball was snapped.) Burrow finds Chase in the back corner of the end zone! Extra point is missed but it's 22-13 with five minutes left. Carr is picked off by Eli Apple, who I still can't believe is still in the league. Josh Jacobs hits him after the play ends, drawing a flag. Mixon scores another touchdown and that should be it. Carr just straight fumbles and the Bengals fall on it. Evan Washburn: "Guys, we call that a ground ball in lacrosse." (Bengals 32, Raiders 13)


Dak misses Gallup for what would have been a big early gain. Chiefs run a sweep to Hill that gets 24. Mahomes scrambles inside the 10. The angle his head was at makes his helmet look like he was wearing a baseball cap backwards. Aikman calls Travis "Jason." TRAVIS lines up in the backfield in a modified wishbone, takes the direct snap, and runs it in himself! Extra point is no good. Cowboys lose yards on two plays then lose the ball on the third, as Frank Clark hits Dak and Chris Jones recovers the fumble. Chiefs turn it into three more points after a suboptimal sequence of their own. Ball fake by Pollard? OK THEN. Cowboys false start on 3rd and 5. Gallup wants a flag in the end zone but he won't get one. Field goal is good. Pringle brings the kickoff out of the end zone to the 35 after Buck wonders if he should have. Mahomes to Pringle for 47. Hardman to the 1. Touchdown Edwards-Helaire.


The Cowboys have lost two first downs because of penalties on this drive. And now they'll get one because of a Chiefs penalty. They fail to capitalize. The difference right now is that the Chiefs are hitting on their big plays and the Cowboys aren't. Dak gets sacked for the fourth time today and we're at the two-minute warning.


Then Jones and Clark chase him out of bounds. Weird sequence here: They flag the Chiefs' Fenton for taunting, then they go to the replay and ADD a face mask on the Cowboys, creating offsetting penalties. Notably, it was Fenton who's face mask was grabbed, which likely caused him to react the way he did in the first place.


Pereira's not sure the officials can do that. Parsons forces a fumble! Cowboys ball! Then Dak gets intercepted in the end zone! See what I said about big plays? Lamb now out for the Cowboys. Interception! That's on Mahomes. Even though Kelce couldn't handle the catch, Mahomes didn't make a good throw. Prescott can't connect with Gallup, who was interfered with. No flag. Field goal makes it 16-6.

Mahomes gets sacked again and Butker kicks a 53-yarder. Butker later misses from 51 and the Cowboys will get the ball at their own 41. Weird that Andy didn't go for it there. It was 4th and 2. Cowboys can't capitalize. Chiefs burn clock. They line up for another field goal but instead pooch-punt it. Dak is intercepted by Sneed! Jones tipped that pass to finish off a killer game for him. (Chiefs 19, Cowboys 9)


I've seen this before. First with Reid with the Eagles, and then again a couple of years later with Tom Coughlin and the Giants, which I think the Seahawks' situation is closer to. It's the end. Don't drag this out any longer. It should also be the end for GM John Schnieider, as the Seahawks' drafts have been abysmal the last five years or so. (Cardinals 23, Seahawks 13)

Ben overthrows Johnson twice in the end zone and the Steelers end up kicking a field goal. Chargers in a hurry-up? Al notes that the Steelers are without Watt, Haden AND Fitzpatrick. Ekeler with a clean touchdown for the Chargers. Graphic shows Ben is 1-7 in games on the west coast. Ben underthrows Claypool slightly or that would have been a touchdown. As it is, it's first and goal from the 5. Claypool can't outjump Asante Samuel, JUNIOR. (We're old.) Steelers going for it from the 2. NOPE. Herbert scrambles for a first down. Ekeler scores on a pass play. Roethlisberger to Johnson in the back of the end zone. Knee's down and that's a touchdown. Don't take a sack, Herbert! Good thing they have all three time outs. 45 seconds left. There's also a flag. Defensive holding! It's been 10 minutes in real time since this happened and the half somehow still isn't over. Pass to Ekeler is incomplete on 3rd and 4. Field goal is good. 17-10 at halftime. Steelers haven't figured out how to stop Ekeler yet. Some sick moves in space and he's got another receiving touchdown. The Steelers' other problem is they can't get third down stops at any distance. And Herbert scrambles for another one on 3rd and 5. Another Herbert run is wiped out by a holding penalty and the Steelers finally get a stop after that. Steelers block this punt! They'll get it at the 8! They go for it on third down and the pass gets knocked down at the line of scrimmage. Intercepted in the end zone! But there's a flag and it's on the Chargers. Harris cashes in. SO MUCH OPEN SPACE for Herbert! The Steelers' streak of holding opponents under 30 points is about to end. That's Ekeler's FOURTH touchdown tonight. I don't know when Diontae Johnson actually became the Steelers' No. 1 receiver but OK. Touchdown Ebron! Steelers get an interception off a tipped pass! Cameron Sutton paid for that with a late hit that wasn't called. Screen to Freiermuth for a touchdown! Somehow we're tied! The Chargers give it to Ekeler on fourth and short at their own 34 and he goes NOWHERE.



3:43 left. Now this is a stat: In their long history, the Steelers are 0-230 (!!!) when trailing by 17 or more in the fourth quarter. This would be the ultimate Chargering, wouldn't it? Pass interference flag is picked up because the pass was ruled uncatchable. The Steelers didn't take ANY time off the clock, by the way.


Field goal is good. TOUCHDOWN MIKE WILLIAMS! 53 YARDS. Bosa sacks Ben on 2nd and 18, bringing up 3rd and 29.


Fourth and 32 and... yeah. I'm amazed the Chargers won this game. (Chargers 41, Steelers 37)

This is the fifth year in a row these two teams have met, and the last two have been on MNF. Gronk's back, but Brady's first pass goes to O.J. Howard. Talk turns to Antonio Brown's alleged fake vaccination cards. Six different players have already touched the ball on this drive. Godwin breaks a tackle and that drive looked way too easy. Barkley's back for the Giants, too. Engram actually makes a catch for a first down. Murphy-Bunting gets called for an unnecessary DPI while Riddick notes that Toney had Winfield beat and Daniel Jones didn't see it. They've been the worst offense in the red zone this season, and that false start on 3rd and 9 won't help matters. Giants in their 80's helmets tonight, I just noticed. Jones throws it away on third down. Bill Parcells joins the Mannings and says the Giants either have to hit Brady right away (they haven't) or disrupt the receivers' entry into their routes.


Eli never misses an opportunity to get a dig in on his brother. Brady's started 8 for 8 after a pass to Fournette for 13. Imagine trying to come up with something Brady hasn't seen. An incompletion to start the second quarter. These guys just let Brady run for 12 yards on 3rd and 4. Giants can't get a stop. Peyton correctly predicts the Giants will drop eight into coverage on third down, and Brady has to throw it away. Field goal is good. Bucs rush three and get to Jones to force a punt. Evans can't handle the pass and the Giants pick it off! Peyton wonders if Johnson and Evans both thought the pass was intended for the other. Philadelphia native Kevin Hart arrives and immediately starts ripping the Giants. "Eli, Parcells said 'Once a Giant' and you said "Always a Giant.' You can never shake that?" This is quite the juxtaposition with the Giants scoring a touchdown on a tackle-eligible pass. Hart is livid.


Big play to Gronk! Brady drills one to Cameron Brate for another first down. Hart delivers a... not terrible breakdown of the trap pass? Ronald Jones turns the corner and scores. Evans breaks two tackles down the sideline. Godwin breaks several tackles and gets to the 1, but a penalty wipes it out. Oh, Tristan Wirts basically chokeslammed a dude. Yeah, that's against the rules. Bucs end up punting. The Giants try pitchy pitchy woo woo to end the half and fumble it. Jones finds Kyle Rudolph on a wheel route for their biggest actual play of the night. Jones to Toney for eight on 3rd and 9. Giants line up to go for it. NOPE. The Bucs rush him and it's incomplete. After a penalty, Brady hits Gronk and Godwin for big chunks. Then he throws it right to Evans for a touchdown. Griese: "What is the defensive back doing?"


Jones with a trademark terrible interception. These replay camera angles are awful tonight.



Steve McClendon's a 12-year vet and that was his first pick. Bucs get a field goal out of it.


Toney slips on a third down catch and goes back three yards, but will his forward progress give him the first down? It does NOT. Fourth and 2 and Jones dances around for a bit before finding Toney. (Why not just give it to Barkley?) Wait, Lavonte David's been around long enough to have been JUCO teammates with JPP? Devin White deflects a pass right to Clayton Edwards. Julian Edelman says he never considered coming out of retirement to join Brady and Gronk in Tampa. Blaine Gabbert's in? Yeah, we're done here. (Buccaneers 30, Giants 10)

RANKINGS:

TOP 4:

1. Arizona (9-2) — Colt McCoy is 3-0 (!) against Pete Carroll
2. Green Bay (8-3) — Law of averages and all that
3. Tennessee (8-3) — Wait, what?
4. Tampa Bay (7-3) — Oh no. OH NO

BOTTOM 4:

29. Houston (2-8) — I don't even notice when bad teams don't play
30. N.Y. Jets (2-8) — Same old Jets, sorry to say
31. Jacksonville (2-8) — Fourteen straight losses to NFC teams, as if things weren't bad enough
32. Detroit (0-9-1) — Hanging on just long enough to fall off

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Saturday, December 18, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 10: Parachutes

I think this might be the first time Buck and Aikman have called a Lamar Jackson Ravens game. Duvernay takes a big hit on the sideline after a 19-yard carry. Freeman slips, then gets up and gets the first down anyway. Blitz forces Jackson to rush the throw on third down and he overthrows Watkins in the end zone. Don't like calling a screen on 3rd and 9 there. Then Brown fumbles but the Ravens keep it. Tucker... MISSES right! Still 3-0 Ravens. Gesicki can't bring another one in on third down. Brissett's pass on third and goal sails out of the end zone. Field goal ties it. Ravens run another bad screen on third and long. Refs rule that Waddle did get the first down before going out of bounds. Drive goes nowhere because of course it doesn't. Two minutes left. This time the Ravens give it to Freeman on 3rd and 5 and he gets caught from behind. Brissett (starting for Tua, who's got a sprained finger) finds Isaiah Ford (OK, sure) on a blown coverage for 52 yards! They pick up the flag on the next play, saying that it wasn't an intentional helmet-to-helmet hit on Shaheen. Dolphins end up settling for a 22-yarder. Buck: "So at the half, the Marlins lead the Orioles... no. The Dolphins lead the Ravens, 6-3." Brissett being walked off after being sacked. Is that Jackson's first run of the night? He then rolls away from a blitz and throws a jump ball that gets broken up. Ravens punt and... Tua comes in? OK then.


The Dolphins' defense hasn't been anywhere near this good at any point this season. That's another Ravens drive killed after getting forced into a third and long. Dolphins again can't capitalize offensively. Andrews picks up a first down. Dolphins challenge the next Andrews catch... and win? How? He caught that. Jeez. Dolphins blitz again on another third and long and get to Jackson. Quick pass to Gaskin gets the Dolphins to midfield. Waddle! He probably didn't have to jump. Humphrey gets called for pass interference. Dolphins get it at the 2. Flags everywhere on third down and they'll replay it. A LINEMAN catches this pass and gets bowled over at the goal line. The ball breaks the plane, but he's not eligible. The hell is this game? He'd be the Dolphins' best running back.





The Dolphins end up settling for another field goal when a touchdown probably would have ended this game. Xavien Howard strips the ball from Watkins, picks it up, and takes it all the way back for a touchdown!


Aikman points out that the Ravens have done nothing on offense since the Tucker miss. Hollywood with a drop on third down. Dolphins punt plants the Ravens at the 1. Roughing penalty bails the Ravens out. Then another one, but this one's not a good call. Bateman! Touchdown Andrews. ANOTHER blown coverage by the Ravens and Wilson makes them pay for 65 yards. NOW it's over. Gaskin gets... a first down with a dive. Ball at the 1. Touchdown and that will finally end this farce.


(Dolphins 22, Ravens 10)

Signal Finder: CLE @ NE, ATL @ DAL, WFT @ TB (end), NO @ TEN (end), DET @ PIT (end), PHI @ DEN


A big hole flies open up front and Johnson bursts through it before getting shoe-tackled from behind. Announcers talk up the Browns offensive line that's been getting paid this week. Johnson does it again and gets inside the 10. Njoku gets the ball knocked out of his hands. Browns line up to go for it. Mayfield drops back and finds Hooper in the back of the end zone. Why has Kendrick Bourne been the Patriots' best free-agent pickup on offense? Who's this Stevenson dude? This Brandon Bolden? He gets 20 on a screen on third down.


Touchdown Hunter Henry, who may actually be their best free-agent pickup on offense, now that I think about it. (Bourne's second.) Interception! And the Pats score on their first play. Mayfield pass goes through Peoples-Jones's hands, then two plays later, an interception goes through J.C. Jackson's hands. Jones his Bourne on the run for a first down. That's a tremendous catch by Bourne in the air in double coverage. Jebus. 21-7 Pats. They tack on a field goal to make it 24-7 at halftime. It's continuing! Patriots abuse the Browns on their first drive of the second half, finishing it off with a Stevenson touchdown. Mayfield almost gets picked off and he's hurt again. Keenum comes in and he's sacked by Judon, who just knocked Mayfield out of the game. He gets sacked again on the next play, which was fourth down.


Long national nightmare, etc. (Patriots 45, Browns 7)


And now CBS has switched to Saints-Titans, where the home side leads 20-12 after three. Randy Bullock's shoulder pads are huge. He's a kicker! He hits from 36 and it's 23-12. When Ingram rejoined the Saints, he moved in with Kenny Stills. There's a catch by Ingram down the sideline. Tra'Quan Smith can't stay in the end zone, but there's a flag. Defensive holding. This one's too far for Smith. Saints kick the field goal with 5:33 left. Adrian Peterson still wearing No. 8, to my surprise. Callaway gets hit at the Titans' 15. Touchdown Saints! Callaway came back to it. Saints have to go for two to tie. They've missed their last seven of these? Recap of the two missed extra points that have them in this situation. Saints FALSE START. Pass is broken up! (Titans 23, Saints 21)

Gage gets hit and drops this pass. Yeah, that's out. Field goal is good. Lamb spins out of a tackle on 4th and 5. Touchdown Elliott. Announcers seem intent on criticizing Dak for last week. They lost because their defense got run over from the first snap. Cowboys go for it on 4th and 3 from the Falcons' 28 and Gallup makes the catch on the sideline at the 2! Welcome back, dude. Elliott punches it in. Cowboys are doing whatever they want in the passing game. Falcons blitz, and Dak lofts one to Lamb for a touchdown. BLOCKED PUNT. Let's see where this ends up. Burkhardt thinks it's a touchdown but there's been no signal. There we go. There's a penalty on the extra point and the Cowboys decide to go for two here because they're assholes. Elliott picks it up. Falcons get the ball back and call a time out on second down because they're mad about that. They run it for... some reason. 36-3 at halftime.


Will we be going to WFT-Buccaneers after halftime? Let's find out! Nope. Anthony Brown picks off Ryan, who probably shouldn't take another snap today. Elliott fumbles and the Falcons recover. NOW we get switched. (Cowboys 43, Falcons 3)

Brady already with two interceptions and a probable third that wasn't called. And Chase Young, Washington's best remaining player, has been carted off.


Antonio Gibson bulls his way into the end zone. Dude's got a stress fracture in his leg. 23-13 Washington. Dax Milne (?) fumbles and the Bucs recover at midfield. Brady finds Evans down the sideline for a 40-yard touchdown. Extra point misses? Washington doing a good job killing time on this drive. Ex-Buc Adam Humphries with a big third-down catch. McLaurin gets flattened but holds on for another first down. We're down to the two-minute warning, the Buccaneers have no time outs, and it's second and goal. Winfield throws Gibson back, keeping him from scoring. Washington calls time out, hands it to Gibson, and they score! Gotta think a lot of confidence pools just bought it. (Washington 29, Buccaneers 19)

One of the reasons we're here is that Roethlisberger popped up on the COVID list Friday, so Mason Rudolph is starting. Lions are DRIVING. Well, they were. This rain? Fourth and 10 now. They punt and the Steelers almost fumble it. They kneel down and go to overtime. Johnson goes up the sideline, but he fumbles! Lions get it! Fitzpatrick intercepts Goff on the next play! But a defensive holding call will give the ball back to the Lions.


Myers and Moose aren't thrilled with this roughing the passer call. Lions are now at the Steelers' 36. Offensive holding moves them back. The Lions haven't won in Pittsburgh since 1955 (!!) when they played at Forbes Field. I like that the graphic does note that they tied in 1957. Steelers call time out with 4:08 left. Lions try a 48-yarder. It's SHORT. That looked bad from the start. Someone got a piece of the ball?


Steelers lose about 14 yards on a high snap. Lions drop a pick on third down. Lions correctly send someone after the punt but the Steelers get it off. Steelers blitz and drop Goff for a 15-yard loss. Harris picks up a first down in Lions territory with 29 seconds left. Steelers call their last time out. Freiermuth FUMBLES! Lions ball with 8 seconds left! Myers: "Does anybody really want to win this game?" Lions try pitchy pitchy woo woo and it fails because it always fails. So the answer is: "Apparently not." (Lions 16, Steelers 16, OT)

CAM BACK. Two snaps, two scores. Panthers have clearly gotten a jolt from this. This is the best they've looked since Week 2. This was an ambush. (Panthers 34, Cardinals 10)

FROZEN TUNDRA. It's a good thing, for Rodgers' sake, that this game is at home, because he'd be getting no end of abuse from the 12s. Crosby hooks one from 42 and this already feels like last week's game. Punts UPON punts. Crosby hits from 27 after the Packers actually put a drive together.


We've gotten nothing from the Seahawks. Wilson throws a bad pass that's picked off by King in the end zone. He wasn't under that much pressure. Jamal Adams intercepts Rodgers in the end zone.


Seahawks lose five yards on the subsequent drive. Wilson looks like a guy who's still hurt. 3-0 after three. This is fine. Dillon touchdown more than ices it. Wilson goes deep for Lockett but that one gets intercepted in the end zone, too. When was the last shutout? (Packers 17, Seahawks 0)

Greg Gumbel's been demoted to partnering with Adam Archuleta? Broncos in a Color Rush version of their 80's uniforms. I approve. Hurts finds Watkins. Broncos blitz and force an incompletion on third down. Elliott hits from 38 and the Broncos trail for the first time in a while. Smith leaps over Surtain and comes down with a touchdown! One cheek does, in fact, equal two feet. Williams with back-to-back big runs. Maddox gets flagged for taunting.


Then the Eagles jump offsides. Gordon with a big run. Broncos get a good push up front and Gordon scores easily. Goedert's been ruled out after hitting his head on the turf after a catch. Bridgewater finds his non-Noah Fant tight end, who takes it 64 yards. Patrick can't stay inbounds on this fade to the end zone. They kick a field goal to tie it. Hurts takes off and gets 32 yards. Hurts with another touchdown to Smith. It's his birthday today!


Barnett with a sack? The fifth seal was just opened. Broncos with a borderline hit on Gainwell on the sideline. Oh, Quez. That would have been a touchdown. Elliott is good from 52 with five seconds before halftime. Sutton with his first catch of the day. Another big run by Williams, this one for 20, after getting caught from behind for a short gain on the previous play. Another run in stuffed (Would've been a great time for play action). Field goal is BLOCKED!


I can't remember a season with so many blocked kicks and punts. Surtain almost gets revenge with a pick but he drops it. Big punt return by the Broncos. Hold takes away a Williams touchdown. Then we come back with a roughing call on (guess who!) Barnett. Defense tightens up and the Broncos kick a 28-yarder. Hurts gets pressured and throws an interception. Gordon gets swallowed up by a pile and now Slay has the ball. He reverses field and he's... gone? Touchdown! Let's see this. Oh, that's a clear fumble. Half the Broncos stopped, including Bridgewater.


Kelce out. Gumbel calls the next snap "a ground ball to short." Kelce back in on the next play. Eagles running over the Broncos like they ran over the Cowboys last week. Have another field goal. Cox walks off after being down for quite some time. This spot challenge seems petty.



(Eagles 30, Broncos 13)

One-time Raider Carl Weathers narrates the opening. These last six weeks or so for the Raiders have been an absolute disaster off the field. First Gruden, then the Henry Ruggs DUI, then their other first-rounder from last year, Damon Arnette, got cut this past week for making threatening videos. Al and Cris did this game last year and remark about how different it is this year with fans. Nothing doing on either team's first drive. Mahomes finds Kelce twice for big gains. Direct snap to the tight end? OK. Touchdown Hill. Footage of Charles Woodson getting his Hall of Fame ring before the game. Edwards with a key catch to keep the drive alive as the first quarter ends. Carr floats one to Renfrow for a touchdown. Good block by the tight end to spring Darrell Williams. Mahomes looks the best he has in weeks. Touchdown Hill. 17-7 Chiefs at the half. Carr finds Waller down the seam for a touchdown! Mathieu looks baffled. Chiefs back on the move aided by an unnecessary roughness call on Crosby for throwing a stopped Williams to the turf. Raiders come flying offsides on third and goal. Stopped at the 1. Touchdown... Noah Gray? Sure. Desean Jackson with a big catch. He turns around and FUMBLES. Chiefs ball! Hill outruns his man and gets 31 on the catch. Field goal makes it 27-14. FAKE PUNT! First down Chiefs on the fake punt pass. Raiders could have used that interception. Williams outjumps Abrams for a touchdown. B-roll of a Vegas wedding for... some reason. This is turning into the reverse of their first meeting. Kelce runs past several Raiders. Touchdown Pringle! Garbage time Raiders touchdown gets nullified by a penalty. The Chiefs look fixed tonight. And they're back in first place. (Chiefs 41, Raiders 14)

Stafford finds Beckham, wearing No. 3, on the first play of the game. Peyton and Eli talk about how he's not a direct replacement for Robert Woods, who does a lot of the Rams' jet sweeps and run blocking. Foggy down there or is that smoke? Stafford throws deep and it's intercepted by Jimmie Ward. Not sure what happened there. Looks like some miscommunication between Stafford and Beckham maybe. Peyton describes Kyle Shanahan's various motions. Al Michaels, Phil Mickelson, Draymond Green and Philip Rivers will be appearing tonight. 49ers in their 90's uniforms.


Kittle beats a double-team for a first down. We're already down to three minutes left in the first quarter. Peyton wonders if they'll have time to get Michaels on. "No chance to show any commercials for the NFL. I'm sure they're not happy about it." Touchdown Kittle. We're back with Michaels, who's been doing prime time NFL for 36 straight years. Higbee can't handle the screen pass and Ward ends up with it! He's gonna score.



Peyton recalls that Colts-Bucs Monday nighter that he won in overtime after a furious comeback. Al references a six-interception Peyton game against the Chargers that he still almost won. Rams are DRIVING, finally. Al calls the Higbee touchdown. Mickelson joins the Mannings AND Michaels. Wonder how much money he's got on this game. Is there a Manningcast Curse? Graphic shows that six active players who've appeared on the Manningcast have lost their next game. Aiyuk fights through some tackles to get inside the 10 as Peyton talks about Elijah Mitchell's emergence. Handoff to Samuel and he'll score.


Eli hitting golf balls during the commercials. Pass to Henderson on third down doesn't get them there. FAKE FIELD GOAL. It... does not fool the 49ers. Or anyone else, for that matter.


That might have been the fourth option or so there. But the 49ers had everything covered. Stafford almost gets picked off AGAIN as his receiver is late breaking to the ball. Draymond's trying to name everyone drafted ahead of him. Kupp with a rare drop on third and 4. Garoppolo's playing very well tonight. Bad drop by Higbee. 24-7 Niners after three. 49ers going on a 4th and 6. Garoppolo his Samuel over the middle and he outruns the defense and scores! Peyton calls Rivers "coach" as he joins the broadcast.



This interception didn't count because of a penalty on the 49ers. Peyton tells Rivers that Eli never beat either of them. "I don't have a question here; it's just a fun fact." Stafford forgets where he is and throws a pass when he's two yards past the line of scrimmage. That'll be that.


Talk turns to Rivers' love of bolo ties. It started when one-time coach Mike McCoy instituted a stricter travel dress code and suggested it to Rivers. Now he's talking about his draft day experience, when he was drafted by the Giants, then traded for Eli. Photo of the fam as the Rams score. That's the 49ers' fifth straight win over the Rams. Too bad they can't beat anybody else these days. (49ers 31, Rams 10)

RANKINGS:
TOP 4:
1. Green Bay (8-2) — Get your shots!
2. Arizona (8-2) — Not sure what hit them
3. Tennessee (8-2) — Six in a row!
4. Buffalo (6-3) — Taking out last week's frustrations
BOTTOM 4:
29. N.Y. Jets (2-7) — That beatdown felt familiar
30. Jacksonville (2-7) — Well, back to reality
31. Houston (1-8) — I don't even notice when bad teams don't play
32. Detroit (0-8-1) — Really? REALLY?

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Friday, December 17, 2021

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 9: Laundry Night

MIKE WHITE SZN. Back-to-back passes almost get intercepted, then the Colts almost block the punt. Nyheim Hines with a big run. He takes it to the other side and gets a touchdown out of it. Keelan Cole with a circus catch in coverage. Colts fail to cover Elijah Moore and that's an easy touchdown.


White getting his hand looked at on the sideline. Aikman: "Just their luck."


Thankfully, no. Wentz hits Pittman in stride for a first down. Wentz goes deep but it's incomplete. Aikman asks where the flag was, since it happens to the Colts' opponents so often. Kristina Pink reports that White was struggling to make throws and is now in the medical tent. Maybe Hoffa IS buried under that place.


Taylor breaks through for a first down and is only kept out of the end zone by a shoe tackle. Taylor finds more space and scores. The Colts already have over 100 yards rushing. Josh Johnson comes into the game, replacing White, as Joe Flacco clearly hasn't learned the new playbook yet. Fumble? Fumble! Colts ball. Darius Leonard punched it out. The Colts recover their own fumble on back-to-back plays. It happens again on 3rd and 1 and the Jets still can't come up with a break.


They sneak it on fourth and get there. Aikman doesn't get all the numbers behind quarterback sneak effectiveness, but he does know that some guys are better at it than others. Buck spots Sam Ehlinger in at quarterback and Wentz split left. Ehlinger keeps it and gets a yard. Shovel pass to Doyle works and he's got a touchdown. Carter loses a shoe but gains 18 yards. Kroft with a leaping catch. Jets get a field goal with 1:46 left. Colts keep running the ball but not using their two time outs. Odd strategy here. Aikman thinks most teams use their time outs too early in these situations. Pascal wide open at the Jets' 10. Pittman has the ball knocked out of his hands in the end zone. He got three feet down, so this is getting reviewed. Pereira thinks it'll be a touchdown. He's correct. 28-10 Colts and they'll get the second half kickoff. Colts on the move again. Wentz keeps it and goes right on third and goal, but gets tripped up from behind by Shaq Lawson. He pounds the turf in frustration, then the Colts go for it. Direct snap to Taylor but he gets stopped. This is the first of five Super Bowl rematches this week. Jets can't capitalize because of course they can't. TACKLE ELIGIBLE TOUCHDOWN. There was nobody within 10 yards of that man. Colts have scored 30 or more in four straight games, the first time since 2010. TAYLOR. He's gone. Buck: "And he crosses the tape at the goal line." Moore gets another score for the Jets.


Tight end reverse? Lot of garbage time offense in this fourth quarter. Doyle almost gets decapitated fielding this onside kick.


FOX is doing a John Madden documentary, it sounds like. Buck: "Before John Madden, there weren't production meetings." That's not Brad Smith, is it? I'm kidding. Mostly.


(Colts 45, Jets 30)




THERE CAN BE ONLY ONE.


This is wild. Also, Urban Meyer finally wins an NFL game in America. (Jaguars 9, Bills 6)


Pollard returns the opening kickoff to midfield. Pass to Cooper comes up short of the first down. Cowboys go for it but Justin Simmons stops Zeke! Cowboys muff the punt but recover. Broncos get ANOTHER stop on fourth down. Jeudy with an over-the-shoulder catch. Big run by Williams. Touchdown Gordon after an interference call on Diggs. McManus misses the extra point. Cowboys are stopping the run as well as they did last year so far. Bridgewater goes deep to Tim Patrick for a touchdown!


Dak throws too long for Lamb on third and 7 and the Cowboys punt. Gordon with a leaping catch. Kendall Hinton is left out of THIS Broncos quarterbacks since Peyton Manning graphic also. Parsons gets to Bridgewater on a 3rd and 2. McManus is GOOD from 53. 16-0 Broncos. Didn't expect that. Cowboys looking at 3rd and 21. Someone (95) whiffs on a sack and Dak throws up effectively a Hail Mary that gets knocked down. Pass to Jeudy is ruled incomplete. Lewis picks off Bridgewater, but there's a flag. Olsen thinks they're going to get Diggs for holding Patrick. He's right. With three seconds left, there's no time to do anything but throw a Hail Mary or kick a 60-plus yard field goal. Bridgewater goes down to end the half. Cowboys block a punt! The Broncos recover and advance it, but the Cowboys will take over around their own 30. But... it's Broncos' ball? It's ruled that the ball went past the line of scrimmage and was then touched by a Cowboys player, making it a live ball and recoverable by either team. I feel like I didn't know that. Williams carries a pile of Cowboys five yards to the first-down marker, then breaks away and gets 20 more. Patrick spins out of a tackle and splits two defenders to convert 3rd and 8. Field goal makes it 19-0. Cooper with a drop. Cowboys go on 4th and 1 again, but Dak is flushed out of the pocket and ends up overthrowing Lamb. McManus misses the field goal. Patrick is hurt after a drop. Actually, Diggs knocked it out of his hands. The Broncos challenge this but lose. Bridgewater to Kendall Hinton for 40! Bridgewater sneaks for the touchdown. Two point try is good.


Cowboys go for it again and this time it's intercepted. McManus makes it 30-0. And we're being switched to Vikings-Ravens. We missed TWO garbage time touchdowns. (Broncos 30, Cowboys 16)

This game is tied at 24 with 5:01 left. Le'veon Bell sighting! He's wearing No. 17 for... some reason. Lamar keeps it and gets to the Vikings' 2. Bell scores! C.J. Ham with a leaping catch! What?! Humphrey breaks up a third-down pass. Fourth and 9 and the Vikings call time out. Now we get a recap of the second half that started with the Vikings returning the kickoff for a touchdown. Cousins finds Jefferson for the first down.


Touchdown Thielen! We're tied with 1:05 left. Lamar gets sacked and we're going to overtime. Big play by Hollywood. Pass is deflected and the Vikings have it! Barr tipped it to himself. And again the Vikings fail to capitalize. Freeman with a big run with plenty of blocking. Back-to-back penalties by the Ravens make it first and 20. Hollywood again.


Bell crashes through the line and gets 11. 1:15 left. Tucker comes onto the field with 20 seconds left. 36 yards. It's good, because of course it is. He's only been around 10 years? Seems like longer. (Ravens 34, Vikings 31, OT)

What the hell, Raiders? (Giants 23, Raiders 17)

Chargers win the toss and defer. Hurts badly misses Goedert, who would have scored. Punt pins the Chargers at their own 1. Herbert finds Guyton for 15. Eagles covering way too soft in the back end. Play action gets the Chargers inside the 5. Ekeler gets stuffed on second down, then Mike Williams drops the ball on third. Chargers go for it. Herbert rolls right and throws to Allen, but he doesn't get in.


Hurts misses long on first down. Howard gets nothing. Pocket collapses and Hurts does well to get out of the end zone. Jared Cook runs wild. This time the Chargers score on a rollout pass to Steven Anderson. Howard with a 19-yard run. Hurts turns the corner, gets the first down, and ducks out of bounds. Touchdown Howard as the Eagles apparently just realize that the Chargers are terrible against the run. Chargers suddenly at midfield. Pitch to not-Ekeler doesn't get there on 4th and 2. I don't know why you run that play with your third running back. Howard picks up 3rd and 2. Eagles are still running the ball. Quarterback draw on 3rd and 5 gets another first down. Hurts can't get it to Smith on third down.


Elliott hits from 24. Halftime.


Chargers moving down the field again. Pocket collapses on Herbert and he takes a hit on third down. Field goal ties it. Hurts trips over Driscoll on 3rd and 4. Great adjustment by Williams to make that catch. Slay gets plastered by... Donald Parham? Touchdown Chargers. Extra point is MISSED. Goedert breaks a tackle, and pro tip, Grab the player's actual jersey if you're going to try to tackle him. Hurts rolls right again and scrambles for another first down, again. Touchdown Gainwell. Slay gets flagged for holding.


Now he's being looked at on the sideline? Herbert guns one to Allen. I wonder who Barnett will be committing dumb penalties for next year. Ekeler finds a hole and gets inside the Eagles' 10. Herbert keeps it himself and scores. They go for two and Herbert hits Cook. Reagor takes a pitch and loses six yards. Hurts finally connects with Smith. Then he gets upended on a third-down rollout and gets a first down. Hurts ALWAYS GOES RIGHT. NEVER to the left. Big-time throw to Smith and he's got a touchdown! He kept his hand on the ground so that he could stretch across the goal line. Edwards keeps Allen from getting the first down. Chargers go for it again and get it. Two minute warning. Chargers get 11 after a false start. These teams have played 12 times and six of them have been decided by a touchdown or less. Chargers call time out before the third down play. Ekeler dives to the marker. Spot is key. They mark it short. I'd ask for a measurement if I'm the Chargers. They line up to go for it again, but the Eagles don't jump offsides. This also never works. They're going for it anyway? Herbert sneak gets it. Ekeler runs over McPherson but the Chargers have no time outs. They spike it with five seconds left. Hopkins from 29. GOOD. Why'd the Football Team cut this guy? (Because they're run by morons.) Pitch drill predictably fails. Chargers cover. (Chargers 27, Eagles 24)

We finally join Packers-Chiefs and the Chiefs are facing a third down deep in Packers territory. Darrell Williams bounces outside and gets the first down at the 1. Packers stop two inside runs. Kelce ELEVATES and hauls in a touchdown pass. Jordan Love's mom and girlfriend are all the way in the back of the upper deck. They might as well be in Kansas City, KANSAS. Love with a push pass to Dillon. Chiefs blitz and force an incompletion on third down. Tom Rinaldi's here? This IS serious. Love throws a wobbler to Adams but he brings it in. Field goal is BLOCKED. Mahomes gets intercepted but the Packers were offside. Derrick Gore gets stopped short on 3rd and 1. Chiefs punt and it's a touchback. BUT a replay shows the ball hit the foot of a Packers player. Challenge flag is out. Call REVERSED and it's Chiefs' ball at the Packers' 9. Hardman fumbles the catch and the Packers recover. Then the refs change the ruling to an incomplete pass. Barnes keeps Williams out of the end zone and the Chiefs end up settling for a field goal. Love rolls right and throws up a jump ball that Cobb wins. They go for it on 4th and 5 but Love's throw to Adams is off-target. Kelce makes a leaping catch and... the Packers let him go out of bounds? Really, guys? King almost gets a pick. Butker hits from 55 to end the half. Love isn't ready for the snap and has to fall on it. The Packers just seem out of sorts. Chiefs challenge the spot on this Adams catch. It was called a first down. It's close, but I don't think they'll win this one. They DO and it's fourth and inches now. They go to Adams again and he picks it up. Love goes to Adams in the end zone but Sneed intercepts him at the 5. Chiefs go three and out. Love's going to have to complete a pass at some point. There's one. Packers call time out with five minutes left and facing 4th and 5. Love finds Lazard, who ducks a tackle and scores!


Now can the Chiefs play keep-away for four minutes? (Not that they should be afraid of Love coming back on them, but stranger things have happened.)


Mahomes rolls right and somehow finds Hill in the middle of three defenders!


That will clinch it.


Who had THIS as the final score? (Chiefs 13, Packers 7)

No Von Miller tonight for the Rams as his ankle's still hurting. Michael Buffer's here, for some reason. Rams get the ball first. Titans get a coverage sack, followed by a pressure sack. Adrian Peterson is STARTING. And wearing No. 8. Ramsey jumps in front of A.J. Brown and picks off Tannehill. But he does get flagged for, I guess, stepping over Brown afterwards. Oh, he bumped him down. They're not booing, they're saying "Cooooop." Stafford RUNS? Rams go ahead on a field goal. Jeremy McNichols still wears 28 for the Titans. I expect that to change by next week, as AD just came up on Friday. Brown drop ends the drive. Stafford gets rushed and bails out, but the pass is picked off!


It's basically what Wentz did last week against... these same Titans. And they cash in immediately with a touchdown to Swaim. After the commercial, Terry McAuley comes on to point out that if Stafford had just gone down, his forward progress would have been ruled stopped, therefore no safety. Byard intercepts Stafford! Touchdown Titans!


(Fun fact: Every season, the network airing the Super Bowl has its top broadcast crew do a game in that stadidum beforehand. It's not something viewers think about, because most Super Bowl host sites have the ability to host marquee regular-season games, but a few years back, the Buck-Aikman FOX crew did a Jaguars at Dolphins preseason game for that express purpose.) Rams hand it off to Henderson. Titans have been waiting for Julio Jones to be Julio Jones. Direct snap to Peterson goes nowhere. Third down pass is too far for Brown. Titans line up to go for it, but the Rams call time. Titans run play action and Tannehill scores on a naked bootleg. Allyson Felix in the house. The Rams won't have a first-rounder until 2024. Rams starting to heat up. Van Jefferson's emergence is why Desean wanted out (and is reportedly joining the Raiders.) HIGBEE. He gets to the 20. Stafford with a dart to Jefferson in traffic. Touchdown Higbee? Titans defenders in the area say no, he stepped out of bounds. They're looking at it. Call REVERSED. I don't know about that one. Rams settle for a field goal. Again the Rams take three points. Stafford drops the snap on 4th and 1 and ends up throwing an incompletion. Then he comes up limping. Cris: "The Titans beat these guys tonight." Titans trying to run the clock. Good acting on that shove by Donald to draw a roughing penalty. That, on the other hand, IS roughing the passer. Blows to the neck while another defender has him engaged. Touchdown Peterson. Welcome back? OK. Why is Stafford still in? This game's been over for a quarter and a half. Jeffrey Simmons had three sacks? Wild. (Titans 28, Rams 16)


The Steelers have won 16 straight Monday Night home games, and could win their 50th overall tonight. Bret Michaels is from Pittsburgh? Didn't know that. Bears get David Montgomery back. Jason Peters already being helped off. Claypool drops a risky pass from Ben. Harris goes left and scores. Fields bails out and stretches the ball for a first down. Pass is knocked down and intercepted by Cam Heyward. Harris is stopped on 3rd and 2 but picks up 4th and 1.


Ben buys time and eventually finds Pat Freiermuth for the score. Minkah Fitzpatrick lays out Fields to prevent a first down. Bears want a flag but they're not getting one — the hit was inbounds. Poor punt by the Steelers gives the Bears badly-needed field position. Fields finds Kmet for the Bears' biggest play of the night. Then he goes down, creating 3rd and 18. Illegal man downfield makes it 3rd and 23.

They end up settling for three. 14-3 Steelers at halftime. I feel like this is Allen Robinson's first catch in like a month. Griese says he's only been targeted three times a game this season. Goodwin for 50! Announcers aren't sure it's a catch. Steelers challenge. Call STANDS. That was the first challenge Tomlin's used this season? It's week 9! Fields with a laser to Cole Kmet in traffic. Touchdown pass to Graham is called back because of a low block, and both Riddick and Griese don't like the call. Screen to Montgomery gets them back inside the 5. Fields takes another shot after that play that goes uncalled. Field goal is good. Ben finds James Washington down the middle for 42. He had to come back to that. Touchdown Freiermuth! Extra point goes left. Fields finds Graham for 40! Fields hands off to Mooney in the backfield and he scores easily. Boswell hits from 54! Fumble on the kickoff! And BOSWELL recovers it for the Steelers! Someone's gotta get cut for that. You can't allow that. Bears getting killed by penalties as well. Levy: "No matter what happens, after the game, Matt Nagy has to make sure he doesn't say something that'll get him fined." McCloud fumbles this punt return? The Bears pick it up and return it for a touchdown. CONFIRMED. 23-20 Steelers with 6:31 left. Ben finds Johnson to convert 3rd and 7. That's an incomplete pass. WHAT? A Bears player gets called for taunting but no one can find it. Everyone in the booth hates that call. That's a weak defense by John Parry. I hate being that guy but that's a joke.


Steelers add three more. Fields runs into Devin Bush for no good reason. Two minutes! Robinson gets free down the sideline! Touchdown Mooney! Extra point is good and the Bears lead.


Robert Quinn's lined up in the neutral zone twice on this drive. Roethlisberger dives for the line but doesn't make it. Boswell hits from 40 and the Steelers regain the lead with 26 seconds left.


Bears get two completions to get to midfield. Short pass is knocked down, but there are two seconds left still. Santos on for a 65-yarder.


No way this happens. (Steelers 29, Bears 27)


RANKINGS:

TOP 4:

1. Arizona (8-1) — Division games matter

2. Green Bay (7-2) — That went about as well as expected, for one side

3. L.A. Rams (7-2) — That looked like it hurt

4. Tennessee (7-2) — But can they last without Henry?


BOTTOM 4:

29. Jacksonville (2-7) — One of the weirdest results of the season

30. Miami (2-7) — Found someone they can beat

31. Houston (1-8) — Does anyone even care?

32. Detroit (0-8) — Time to start asking if it could happen again

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