Wednesday, December 30, 2015

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 16: Out and Over

I assume Naya Rivera's brother is still on the Raiders given the ads. That's a tipped pick. Hayden and Woodson almost collided. Wait, that's only the Chargers' fourth rushing touchdown all year? Feels like every Raiders receiver's been covered on this drive. Yet they're making catches. Touchdown Murray. That's how you find space. That moon's not ominous at all. Not the best throw by Rivers.


That's an unfortunate bounce on that punt. You know who's good is Philip Rivers. That slant to Inman was perfection. Del Rio played baseball in college, too? Did not know that.


Holmes almost made a great catch that may or may not have counted anyway. I still can't believe the Raiders drafted a kicker in the first round. He better be making history. LOL at Simms trying to get Nantz to sing to the Pointer Sisters. Oh boy, a spot challenge. That should stand. Fake punt? Fake punt! Aaand it won't count. Did I just see a "Lennay Kekua" banner? Ice cold, Black Hole. Ice. Cold. (And Te'o might be on IR, actually.) Taylor Mays is still in the league? Field goal is good and it's 17-10 Chargers. This last-minute drive has been run about as badly as you can. The Chargers blew up the Hail Mary attempt, so now we have whatever this is. Cooper just threw a pass back about 20 yards. So much comedy.


Nantz is telling us that that's -20 for Cooper's receiving stats. Did that guy just slip for no reason? We got a challenge on this? This is an easy one and is incomplete. Malcom Floyd's been around 12 years? Wow. Here's a "here's why we haven't mentioned Khalil Mack's name all night" montage. Safety! Oh, Te'o's playing. Never mind. Meanwhile, the Raiders' offense has also been stifled. THAT looked dangerous. The Chargers are moving here. Woodhead complained too much, methinks. Or maybe it was a coach? I mean, there wasn't any pass interference there. So now it's a 53-yard field goal attempt and it's good. Defensive holding on the Raiders? That was 4th and 25 and now it's an automatic first down! Touchdown Chargers! No flag. What? Incomplete? Yeah, I have to stop doing these. That's not a catch either. So after all that, they ended up gaining five yards on this field goal attempt. AND NO POINTS. This fucking game. And then they cough it up on their next drive! GET DOWN, BIG MAN. Touchdown Crabtree! Raiders lead! So who's editing these live mics? Banner covering up the play clock? Only in Oakland. I don't even know who Rivers is throwing to any more. Field goal up and we're tied. Well, that was weird. I don't think it'll give either team an advantage in the long run. Overtime. Remember on this challenge, there's no more force out rule, which is stupid. Rivera knew that penalty was going to be on his team. Crabtree had to double back and almost didn't get the first down. Touchdow—NO! Holmes juggled it and couldn't stay inbounds. Woodson's in? He wanted to pass there. That was absolutely done on purpose, by the way. Field goal and the Raiders... lead? That was all the first drive? Good Lord. That Rivers pass goes nowhere. Everyone ran to Woodson. SPEECH. Goodbye, Oakland? (Raiders 23, Chargers 20, OT)

That's, what, one run so far on this drive? OK, probably two after that pass interference call. Touchdown Mathews.


That was... almost a catch. Peters down again? I honestly wonder how much longer he's going to be around. Here we have two quarterbacks who have been better than their reputations lately, but you would be foolish, I feel, to invest in long-term. Jordan Reed is going to be a problem, more so than Desean because he only runs one route. And Reed just clowned Ryans on the touchdown. Fisticuffs? Flags everywhere. Wait, that was a miss on the extra point? And Reed again.


Three straight penalties. Splendid. Then Ertz gets wide open and Bradford overthrows him. Thank God Celek fell on that. Get up, stripes. Breeland messes with that throw and Agholor can't bring in the touchdown (and Breeland had a better shot at it than Agholor, actually). The Eagles' defense is smothering the Redskins on this drive so far. And then Ertz just gives the ball away. And then the refs get the replay ruling wrong. How are we at the 2-minute warning already? Trent Green's making a good point: why are the Redskins not running the ball to use clock? And then Bradford gets sacked. That's two straight sideline completions for the Redskins. Thurmond just  got caught cheating trying to bat that ball away after the Reed catch. Chip's all "What the hell?" And now so am I. Cousins forgot to spike the ball? They're not going to get ANY points? Good God.




How the hell isn't that a catch? Bradford and Cooper don't know either. I mean, Cooper's down, is he not? LOL at Green catching Kerrigan trying to flop for a safety call. Garcon just helped Cousins covert 3rd and 13. And Pierre Thomas just picked up a 3rd and 13. And Chris Thompson just caught a touchdown pass between Jenkins and Alonso. This game's over. Good return by Huff. Murray! Hey, there's Ertz again. That's the second time Bradford's and Agholor have missed a touchdown. Touchdown Murray! Listen to that cheer. Did Bradford drop the snap? Wet balls, man. Put on some gloves or something. And there's the payoff. Murray fumbles, and DeAngelo Hall picks it up and scores. NOW it's over. Chip's all "This is why I've basically benched you the last two weeks."


There's always an air of suspicion when Eagles opponents get injured during a drive that's going well, but especially when it's the Redskins. Why is DeMeco Ryans covering a wide receiver? This drive's still going? That's the first clock stoppage on this drive? The Eagles have been horrific on 3rd down and long tonight, and Garcon just caught the touchdown pass that will finally end this farce of a season. Hey, the Sixers are up 16 on the road!


And the Suns immediately score 7 in a row. Some dude just hurdled the entire Eagles' line and sacked Bradford. Did Chip really almost punt there? Oh, hey, a meaningless touchdown. That'll look good on the stat sheet. Wait, the Eagles had all four running backs active? Oh, well.


Enjoy getting slaughtered by Seattle in two weeks, Redskins. (Redskins 38, Eagles 24)

Signal Finder: PIT @ BAL, CAR @ ATL, IND @ MIA (end), NE @ NYJ (end), GB @ AZ, STL @ SEA (end)




Monkey-wrenching the Steelers playoff hopes is all the Ravens have left. But it's SO MUCH. Lot of running plays early. Three tight ends on 3rd and 4 and you pass? OK. Steelers go for 4th and 1 at the Ravens 26 and it's not even close. Ryan Mallett's starting? Good Lord. This isn't actually grounding. This is a good drive. Chris Matthews landed with the Ravens? OK. Touchdown Ravens and that's bad news for the Steelers. The Ravens need to bring their safeties up because the Steelers are running wild on them. And then they find Brown in the corner of the end zone. How is that not complete control? These rules, man. And now they won't even get a touchdown. This is interesting — I'm not sure Gay actually touches Givens here. Tomlin throws a flag but it's not a Steelers challenge? That's weird and Harbaugh's not happy about it. Now can Harbaugh challenge this? He's gonna try! That's also a bad decision.


Interception? Interception. 13-3 Ravens. Two pass interference calls on the same drive? The Ravens are BACK, ladies and gentlemen! Touchdown Steelers and it's closer. One too many pump fakes, Ben. Mallett's making throws out there. That's a big 3rd down pickup. Touchdown Ravens! The Steelers are gonna lose, guys. A tipped pick-six by the Ravens and that will ice it. THE RAVENS WERE OFFSIDES HOLY SHIT. And two plays later Williams scores a touchdown. And in typical Ravens fashion, Upshaw — who lined up in the neutral zone to nullify the interception — is complaining about a hold that didn't happen.
The Ravens haven't given up the ball. Do you punt here? I think you have to. If this result ends up costing the Steelers the playoffs, it will make the Ravens' season, I guarantee you that. (Ravens 20, Steelers 17)

That's White and... Tillman getting into it? Good job by THESE refs to stamp that down quick. We don't need a repeat of last week. Freeman just made Keuchly look foolish and that doesn't happen often. This drive is interminable. Freeman cruised into the end zone thanks to Jake Matthews' block.
Ryan's holding his side? Hmmm. Weird sidearm throw by Ryan to avoid getting killed, and the ball was knocked down, so it's not grounding. He couldn't escape that one, though. Jones! And tack on an easy horse collar call. There's some underrated mutual dislike in this one, too, as we've seen already. This Cam run, though. Never challenge spots. Oh, hey, it worked! Then Cam holds the ball too long and then turns right into a sack. Corey Brown just saved Cam from a terrible interception.


All that and they miss the field goal afterwards? That's so post-September 2015 Falcons. The Panthers did that right. Ryan just tripped over his own center. Julio Jones just killed everyone. My God. As great as Kuechly is, that's too much to ask. The Falcons almost got another interception. Jones again! What the hell was THAT? A bad snap? It's Panthers ball. Cam just missed Olsen and he's been off this half. Field goal good. OK, FOX put up a graphic with the Falcons' playoff chances (1.26%) and somehow Broncos-Chargers is involved. Now the Panthers can't slow Freeman down. Are they gonna get the ball back? Yes, because of this third-down stop. All right, Cam. Time to handle the Falcons' relentless pressure one more time. NOPE. What in God's name is this play calling? That didn't even take 20 seconds off the clock. Now the Falcons have to kick a 54-yard field goal with a new kicker. And he made it!


Then Joe Webb almost ran the kickoff out from 9 yards deep. Another blitz and Cam fumbles. NOW it's over.




(Falcons 20, Panthers 13)

Meanwhile, the Dolphins have given up. How do you tackle a 32-year-old man that poorly? Sound the Charlie Whitehurst alarms! Why are we watching this meaningless game, Fox? Oh look, Tannehill got sacked again. This win actually eliminates the Jaguars, of all teams. (Colts 18, Dolphins 12)

Wait... the Patriots did what?


Always follow instructions. JETS WIN! JETS WIN!! JETS WIN!!!


And with the Steelers losing, the Chiefs, who have low-key won 9 in a row now, are in the playoffs. (Chiefs 17, Browns 13; Jets 26, Patriots 20, OT)

Man. It's a Packers takeover in there. But I feel like most Cardinals crowds are like this. Is this a catch? Rodgers makes the across-the-body throw they tell you never to make but Adams couldn't get his feet down after some discussion. Punt coverage has been on point so far. Fitzgerald? Finally a touchdown. The hoodie just looks weird on Jones but it's working. Agree with Joe and Troy that it's now become a good luck charm. David Johnson does that, as we saw last week. That play reminded me of how Kaepernick destroyed the Packers regularly with his speed on the edge. Fake punt? Success! The Packers' offensive line is injured and mostly not good. Were those back to back? Yeesh.


DEFENSIVE END INTERCEPTION ALERT. Daniels should've been a Pro Bowler, not that anyone cares any more. What I can't understand is why Rodgers isn't just running out of these situations when everyone's covered. No reason to throw that pass. Floyd just outran four Packers. Somehow John Brown caught that ball in traffic and avoided being tackled by any of the three Packer defenders around him. Now Starks fumbles and the Cardinals recover. Johnson on the outside again. I don't think he made it but we'll see. Oh, all right then. Rodgers is getting destroyed out there. The Cardinals covered Adams about as well as the Packers have protected Rodgers. That's not a smart move. Ouch! Good thing Rodgers got this one back. ANOTHER sack-fumble. Touchdown Cardinals! This game's OVER.


Time to switch the feed, I think? Maybe if nothing happens here. Packers might as well try this on 4th down. Good! Hey, Lacy's alive again. Nice route. Touchdown Packers.


Good call, Barnwell, even if it didn't work out. Why is Rodgers still in this game? Seriously? (Cardinals 38, Packers 8)

Really, Seahawks? Why can't you beat the Rams? Hey, a meaningless touchdown. (Rams 23, Seahawks 17)



FLEXING. Whoa, did they edit Beckham out of the intro this week, too? Cold. I mean, that's mostly true. Lot of power programs on that Vikings offensive line. Why does Landon Collins sound like he's from the islands? I don't love these Vikings receivers. That punt was shanked. Eli's going to struggle tonight without Beckham.


Hey, the Vikings are driving. Good play by 31 to swipe at the ball and prevent a touchdown. This is why the Giants are bad. Lack of talent, sloppy execution. Collinsworth talking about "the glory days" of Pierre-Paul back in 2011. Vikings running back not named Adrian Peterson finds the corner and scores... or not, as the play never counted. Rudolph was covered but he wasn't, if that makes any sense. The guys are opining on Beckham's actions last week and it's like I said: The old Tom Coughlin wouldn't have let that happen. And the officials are at fault for not stomping it down immediately. And Cris nails it at the end — Beckham failing that test only means he's gonna get it even worse from now on. But can you have a teachable moment without a teacher? Hey, nice pass to Jennings out of the backfield. Giants settle for three. Oh, they brought Meriwether back? That's desperate times, man. Another not-great Vikings punt. Reuben Randle is bad. Harrison Smith is good — he didn't even deviate from his path. It was a straight line to the end zone. They missed the extra point? Oops. And Eli gets sacked. Look at the Vikings making moves downfield. Whoa, those 70's-era Golden Gophers unis. Hey, that's Dungy! Field goal... good. As if on cue, the Giants give up a big play after putting together three, four decent defensive stops. Bridgewater got flushed from the pocket twice. Hey, there's some Prince! Eli got baited into that one.


How is dude named "Captain"? We need to explore this further.


Oh, Vikings-Packers is SNF next week. Looks like FOX lost the battle. Also looks like Bucs-Panthers got moved to 4:25 in exchange. By the way, it's 32-3 Vikings. Oh, hey, Randle scored.


Yeah, he punched a dude. Ryan Nassib is in and you know what that means. Hey, a touchdown pass. That'll look nice on the theoretical mantle. (Vikings 49, Giants 17)

These teams played on MNF in Cincinnati LAST season. Oh, these guys are from Denver? Cool. Way to fight for yards, Gio. Too much air under that one, A.J. But not that one. Has every play on this drive gone to the left side?


Good Lord, McCarron looks like a world-beater right now. He can run, too? NO ONE TOLD ME THIS DUDE COULD RUN. He's cutting the Broncos up. Touchdown Sanu and I'm legitimately shocked at how well this has gone so far.


Nugent's gonna miss this. Tirico just name-checked Dan McGwire as another really tall quarterback. Dan McGwire was a bust. Oops, they lost Sanders. I'm not sure going deep right away to start the second half is the best idea for the Broncos. It seems like Osweiler has more chemistry with Sanders than Thomas. I say that as Thomas just catches a tough pass over the middle. Oh man, TAFKA Pacman Jones whiffed on that tackle attempt and Sanders is in the end zone. The Broncos needed that. That's a pretty bad miss on that face mask. Oh, they DID call it eventually. They had to look at the Broncotron? Everyone seems to have figured everyone else out. It's a chess match now.


Anderson broke one tackle and that was it. Now what, Bengals? Ah, rampant disorganization. That's... an interesting way to go. Great play by Harris to foil that bomb to Green. Good job by Eifert's replacement getting the first down. McCarron misses Green again and the Bengals have to kick. We're tied. The fans caught Peko cheating being hurt. Heh. Fumble? Fumble! Big hit and it's Bengals ball and Anderson's still down. It didn't look like he got hit in the head. This is not what the Bengals needed. They had to burn a time out right after getting the ball back and then McCarron got sacked. Daniels! Daniels again! What did Osweiler just do? Isn't that technically a loss of yardage? JEBUS. That's one of the worst misses I've ever seen.




Osweiler trying to replicate the Tebow playoff pass there. Once again Burfict does something stupid. Guy's out of bounds and you keep shoving. Daniels got drilled and couldn't hold on, and I don't blame him. That's a key stop because that forces the field goal. Hmmm. Tirico and Gruden think it's a fumble. So does Gerry Austin, which means it's not. That's close. Oh, right, if it was a fumble the game would be over. THAT'S a fumble... and such a Bengals way to lose. (Broncos 20, Bengals 17, OT)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Carolina (14-1) — It had to end sometime
2. Arizona (13-2) — Hitting peak efficiency
3. New England (12-3) — That's gotta sting
4. Denver (11-4) — Taught themselves something on Monday night

BOTTOM 4:
29. San Diego (4-11) — Yet another crusher
30. San Francisco (4-11) — All of this could have been avoided
31. Tennessee (3-12) — Do people go to these games?
32. Cleveland (3-12) — So close... and yet, you knew how it was going to end
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