Friday, January 8, 2016

By The Pigskin Of Our Teeth, Week 17: Staking Claims

Signal Finder: PIT @ CLE, PHI @ NYG, BAL @ CIN (end), SD @ DEN, SEA @ AZ

Steelers already out here screwing up. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. Gumbel: "Either the review was a relatively quick one..." It was... pretty obvious, Greg. Then the Browns almost give it back because, well, you know. Then they go for it on 4th and 5, which is fine. But they didn't make it. Let the Antonio Brown Show begin again. Traffic! It took Ben forever to find an open guy. He still didn't, but Miller caught it anyway for the touchdown. Oh, Browns. More penalties.


Meanwhile in Buffalo, that's the second rushing touchdown the Jets have allowed to a quarterback this season. It's their third total this season.
A missed field goal?
Meanwhile, in Buffalo, the Jets are choking like dogs.


Snow? I haven't seen any yet. Meanwhile, in Buffalo, touchdown Brandon Marshall.
Anonymous Browns receiver catches the ball at the marker, slips the defender and falls down at the same time. Fortunately, he got the first down. And the Browns still can't find the end zone. They're still not playing any defense, either. Brown is lighting them up. I mean, he does that, but still. Oh, there's the snow.
Wait, Terrelle Pryor just caught a pass? And it was a good catch! (Although Antwan Blake is terrible and has been all season.) The Browns are allergic to touchdowns.
Interception by the Browns! This linebacker's making moves like Barry Sanders and the Steelers can't tackle him. This is why Mike Pettine's getting fired: Calls a drop-back pass on 2nd down and goal after a good first-down run. Then Davis throws an interception RIGHT to James Harrison. The Steelers still haven't reached their own 20? LOL THEY HAVE NOW. The only reason DHB didn't score was because he's not as fast as he used to be.
Another bad 3rd down pass by the Browns. And now they're kicking a field goal?
Meanwhile, touchdown Eric Decker and the Jets are within two.
Davis just fumbled. Steelers ball. And they score immediately. Seems like an odd time to go for two but OK. PROTECT THE FOOTBALL. (I normally don't say it twice during the same game but the Browns just fumbled the kickoff return.)
Looks like Fitz threw an interception into the end zone. That's the second one this quarter? And Davis throws another interception to officially end this farce. What a joke of a franchise.




Meanwhile, Fitzpatrick's officially turned back into a pumpkin — that's his third interception THIS QUARTER. Trent Green makes a good point — does anyone there know the Bills have won yet? They know now. crosses off Jets (Steelers 28, Browns 12; Bills 22, Jets 17; Dolphins 20, Patriots 10)

Everything we've seen today indicates that this is Coughlin's last game, which... it should be. Murray just ran for 54 yards, doubling his season total.


Oh, happy birthday, Eli. That should have been intentional grounding. The Eagles are single covering Beckham with E.J. Biggers because they're down two corners. A screen pass in the end zone? Really, Pat Shurmur? That's the 700th dropped pass by an Eagles receiver this season. How many carries does Vereen have? (57 to 53 catches at this moment.) Eli throws a fade to Myles White on 2nd and goal from the 5. Ertz! And he's still going! Sproles just found the edge.


This is just like last year's game: Nobody wants to be here and it's obvious. SACK BY MARCUS SMITH. SHUT IT DOWN. Then apparently Bradford threw an interception. I'm not really watching this game. Touchdown Will Tye, who embarrassed Kendricks, who's also had a bad year. We're headed for 45-42, aren't we?


Nice coverage on Matthews. There's another rare Vereen carry. That's good coverage by Biggers. THAT? Not so much. Bad challenge, Coughlin. Wait, a Murray fumble set up that Giants touchdown? Christ. He's barely had a better year than I've had. So who moved? The Giants, I guess. That's an ugly-looking pass that got intercepted and run back for a touchdown. Oh, Barwin tipped it out of Eli's hand? Fine. Why are the Giants punting? Why? Agholor and McBride crashed at about the 3-yard line after that run. Remember, the Giants are basically out of safeties with the Meriwether injury (McBride's a corner replacing him.) Touchdown Matthews. Why is Moose talking about Craig Dahl like he doesn't suck? LOL at Moose talking about an Eagles pick-6 as "vintage Tom Coughlin." The man deserves better than that. So does whatever new audience just got switched to this game, of all games. Nicks just dropped about a 40-yard pass. The Giants should also fire their GM, if we're being real. And we try to. (Eagles 35, Giants 30)

Seriously, FOX, why? Why you bring us here? I wonder if the Ravens know their efforts last week were all for naught. Fucking END, game. (Bengals 24, Ravens 16)

Meanwhile, Jerry must have given the Cowboys the day off. Or at least the first 75 minutes of real time. (Redskins 34, Cowboys 23)



Congratulations, Brian Hoyer, I suppose. Also, what a ridiculous comedown for the Falcons. (Texans 30, Jaguars 6; Saints 20, Falcons 17)

Consider the case of Chuck Pagano. Wins eight games (including today with Josh Freeman and Ryan Lindley as his quarterbacks) with a horribly constructed roster overseen by a bottom-5 GM, loses his franchise quarterback after he was having a terrible season, and goes 3-2 with one of the last three guys from the 1998 draft. As for the Titans, I hope Joey Bosa likes country music. (Colts 30, Titans 24)

Touchdown Broncos. Yes, right off the top. Second play. Really, Sanders? Big gain like that and then you give the ball away at the end?


Good catch by Thomas. Then Osweiler throws an interception. Another Broncos turnover? Jeez. The No. 1 seed's on the line, guys! The Broncos still have problems up front, which isn't helping Osweiler at all.


Then Simms answers his own question about putting Peyton in. Not behind this line, I wouldn't.
BLOCKED PUNT SAFETY IN KANSAS CITY. 16-10 Chiefs.
Anderson FUMBLES to start the second half. FIVE TURNOVERS. How are the Broncos winning this game? Aside from his own fumble, none of these turnovers have been Osweiler's fault, which is why I don't get this. Me, two sentences back: "How are the Broncos winning this game?" Well, thanks to a great one-handed catch by Gates, they aren't anymore. SOUND THE ALARMS.




That's a good run by Anderson. And there's another one for a touchdown. Did Peyton audible that? Well, that isn't. But this is. Wait, THIS isn't either? Good Lord. FINALLY. Jebus.


Hey, the Chargers are coming back! Nice coverage by the Broncos on absolutely nobody. The Chargers are bringing in receivers off the street. I assume this dude just wasn't scouted. Is it just me or has Peyton not actually completed that many passes? Yet everyone's playing better. Intangibles! Not sure what happened on that Rivers interception, whether the ball just sailed on him or the receiver didn't see it. So much rushing. Touchdown Hillman. Peyton only completed five passes? Huh. Godspeed, Charles Woodson. (Broncos 27, Chargers 20; Chiefs 23, Raiders 17)

That's the best run Christine Michael's ever had in the NFL. (The "e" is silent, FYI.) Hey, a Bryce Brown sighting. Can you slide into the end zone? I don't think this is a touchdown. Carroll's gonna lose this challenge. And the Seahawks score anyway. That was a weird interception. What, did they miss an interference call? Arians is angry.


Fitzgerald! Touchdown! Blocked extra point? Kid's missed five this year? Cut him. Yeah, it's been a weird path that led Michael back to Seattle. The Seahawks seem pissed off after last week. Touchdown Tukuafu and it's 17-6. Palmer's out here breaking Neil Lomax records? Jeez. And Aikman makes the good point that you'd have thought Warner got a few of those. Literally everyone thought that punt return was coming back. Either Sherman's a great actor or that happened much earlier in the play than when they threw the flag. And the Seahawks score immediately. Wait, did I miss a score? How'd the Seahawks get to 30? Christ. I don't know why Palmer threw that. There was no way it was getting through. If I'm the Cardinals I bench everyone at halftime. There's no reason to risk a disastrous injury.


Bad miss by Hauschka. Even worse miss by Catanzaro.


And Stanton's warming up. Right call, Cardinals. I wouldn't keep Wilson out there much longer, to be honest — the Seahawks have even less at stake. (Seahawks 36, Cardinals 6)

Meanwhile, the Rams and 49ers are in overtime, because this sport hates us.


Well then. (49ers 19, Rams 16, OT)

"Frozen tundra? That's redundant!" Costas is ornery tonight. The Packers' entire O-line being on the injury report is hilarious and sad. So Sitton's gotta play tackle for the first time ever tonight. If the Packers win, we get a rematch. If the Vikings win, the Seahawks come back here and the Packers go to Washington. FAKE PUNT! Oh, it was a direct snap to the up man. I was thinking, "Damn, this punter's got some wheels."


That's the second deep ball Bridgewater's overthrown on this drive. The Packers are starting two rookie corners, which is unheard of. "Stupid Girl" by Garbage is a solid, deep reference because the non-Shirley Manson members of that band are from Wisconsin. I have no idea what's happening here. So... completion, no fumble. OK. Not sure why Bridgewater threw a seven-yard pass on 3rd and 10. And now I have no idea what Zimmer's thinking. Apparently nothing. OK. So after all that, they're going to punt. Cobb got stopped really short. 19 on the Vikings has been the only guy to do anything on offense. First the fake punt and now this. Touchdown Peterson, who's got the rushing title locked up. Collinsworth knows the guy who does the Derby odds? That perked Al right up, I'm sure. Sick interception by Micah Hyde. And that replay showed us HOW sick. Backhanded?! And Bridgewater pulled an Eli and threw it with his left hand. He'll learn not to do that. Then THIS happens. The "empty hand"? I'm not sure I've heard of this. And yeah, Rodgers took off the other way immediately. What a bizarre sequence. So fumble and touchdown Vikings and I'm gonna need an explanation for this one. This game feels like it's over. Deep ball to Jones! So maybe not? Packers pretty much have to go for this 4th and 4 here. Cobb! The Rodgers connection hooks up for a touchdown. Wait, Peterson's out? Rodgers is doing this mostly by himself at this point. Crosby hits and it's a 7-point game. Patterson just got the ball knocked out of his hands by MASON CROSBY. He has to retire now, right? There's no coming back from that. Cobb! Jones! Kuhn with hops! How Rodgers didn't get sacked I'll never know. Somebody screwed up and the Packers have to waste a time out. Mike McCarthy, ladies and gentlemen! INTERCEPTION. FUMBLE? Thank God for Peterson, who's back in the game. So the Packers will get the ball back after all.


They converted 4th and 8 and then Cobb got out of bounds on the next play. He's still inbounds! And it's 4th down, so the Packers can't spike it! Hail Mary up... Hail Mary down. Here's the other improbable thing this sets up:  Kirk Cousins as a probable favorite in a playoff game... against Aaron Rodgers. (Vikings 20, Packers 13)

RANKINGS
TOP 4:
1. Carolina (15-1) — Back on the proverbial horse
2. Arizona (13-3) — Ran into angry Seahawks at wrong and right time
3. New England (12-4) — Seem to get exposed more every week
4. Denver (12-4) — Now what, Kubiak?

BOTTOM 4:
29. San Diego (4-12) — Another close call that went the other way
30. San Francisco (4-12) — Seriously, this is their own fault
31. Tennessee (3-13) — Here's your clock
32. Cleveland (3-13) — That was inevitable, I suppose
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